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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #195 - "Heartless"
- Thread starter Cyan
- Start date
- Status
Problem Attic
Member
So I know it's late (ran into some personal issues last night), but I did write a story that I wanted to share. Maybe it's just not eligible for winning?
Anyway, I'd like to start writing a little bit more and figured this was a pretty good place to start, so thanks for the opportunity either way.
Here's my story: Apology
Was going for a Sun Also Rises, Hemingway kind of feel to it. So if anything, I hope a couple of those elements at least stand out a little.
Fire away.
Anyway, I'd like to start writing a little bit more and figured this was a pretty good place to start, so thanks for the opportunity either way.
Here's my story: Apology
Was going for a Sun Also Rises, Hemingway kind of feel to it. So if anything, I hope a couple of those elements at least stand out a little.
Fire away.
Freeza Under The Shower
Member
Huh? Oh, wordcount. Eh.
1. FlowersisBritish
2. Mike M
3. Cowlick
The Puzzle by Ashes - Came across as real. Some great lines. (was good to read your work again.)
At the Watering Hole by FlowersisBritish - great scene setting, all the little details are interesting, and love the way it progresses. I found it hilarious. Did think Mitch’s throwing the phone was a bit abrupt.
Mister Peter Tompkins by Cowlick - I didn’t get the meaning of the last line. Also was maybe a bit unbalanced with the animal/ frog thing, could have been some small hints of it towards the start (although I don't know where!) Really great opening and I loved the voice.
Further In by Azih - a heartless lawyer, lol. This was good fun, however urban fantasy isn’t a genre I'm keen on. It felt like a part of something bigger, with some details not seeming too relevant, and that the race of each person was given did draw attention to itself, maybe it could have been more subtle.
Auctioneering by Cyan - this was great, would have loved to read more of it.
Apology by Problem Attic - this was good, and I liked how it ended. Although you build the world and characters through detail, some of it was really good but other bits weren't that interesting and seemed a little tired/ didn’t have anything new to say, the bar scene for example.
Heart of Tin by Mike M - I thought the opening was a bit slow. And Madam seemed to have an abrupt change of heart at the end? or was possibly just the different pov. Liked the use of the theme.
Somewhere to Belong by Tangent - I enjoyed this, I liked the world/ culture it was set in and the ending. I did find the explanations and jumps a little messy.
Prelude to a Salamander by RoyaleDuke - I didn't read this as you're aware of the word limit and you finished it in plenty of time to edit it down. /heartless
2. Mike M
3. Cowlick
The Puzzle by Ashes - Came across as real. Some great lines. (was good to read your work again.)
At the Watering Hole by FlowersisBritish - great scene setting, all the little details are interesting, and love the way it progresses. I found it hilarious. Did think Mitch’s throwing the phone was a bit abrupt.
Mister Peter Tompkins by Cowlick - I didn’t get the meaning of the last line. Also was maybe a bit unbalanced with the animal/ frog thing, could have been some small hints of it towards the start (although I don't know where!) Really great opening and I loved the voice.
Further In by Azih - a heartless lawyer, lol. This was good fun, however urban fantasy isn’t a genre I'm keen on. It felt like a part of something bigger, with some details not seeming too relevant, and that the race of each person was given did draw attention to itself, maybe it could have been more subtle.
Auctioneering by Cyan - this was great, would have loved to read more of it.
Apology by Problem Attic - this was good, and I liked how it ended. Although you build the world and characters through detail, some of it was really good but other bits weren't that interesting and seemed a little tired/ didn’t have anything new to say, the bar scene for example.
Heart of Tin by Mike M - I thought the opening was a bit slow. And Madam seemed to have an abrupt change of heart at the end? or was possibly just the different pov. Liked the use of the theme.
Somewhere to Belong by Tangent - I enjoyed this, I liked the world/ culture it was set in and the ending. I did find the explanations and jumps a little messy.
Prelude to a Salamander by RoyaleDuke - I didn't read this as you're aware of the word limit and you finished it in plenty of time to edit it down. /heartless
Freeza Under The Shower
Member
Let's just get the asshole (me) out of the way. If you feel I'm being unfair, I'm will say only pointing stuff out for your potential self-improvement. I'm also an idiot and not a professional editor, so YMMV. Boop.
Cowlick – Mister Peter Tompkins: I wasn’t feeling this one, so I decided to put on the soundtrack of Dexter (love that piano theme) and immediately realized I could have just entered a fanfic of that one. Fuck. But back to your entry: I’d say it’s fine enough, but I sense a lack of practice from your pause. Or at least, that’s what it feels like to me. Like starting a bunch of sentences with “he would” abbreviated to “he’d” despite there being no ‘rhyme scheme’ there for the character to use that form without instantly knowing he’s doing that. Of course, “nobody knows anything”, certainly me, but that felt a bit off, if that makes sense. Does it?
RoyaleDuke - Prelude to a Salamander : I know it’s backhanded after suggesting to edit it before, but here we go anyway: “goes to school eventually to college”, missing a comma there. “Breakfast and coffee, and perhaps a cigar”, removing the second ‘and’ improves readability. Actually make that a general call for less ‘and’ being used. Cowlick’s entry had one or two of those as well. “from the terrors that exist existentially”, that’s twice the same thing. “from the terrors” is sufficient. Or ‘of the spirit’, since you’re trying to avoid using ‘mind’ twice there. The following “into existence” makes it three times the same thing, but that’s why I said this setup would be difficult to do before. Keeping concepts separate is surprisingly hard in writing. But you are writing, which is what matters.
mu cephei - so this happened today : similar problem to Duke’s and that is the initial overkill of different elements. Eventually it started to make some sense, but I’m still not sure whether any of the main characters are even human or not, which is kind of important when discussing B.O. Exposition wise this makes somewhat more sense, but only out-of-order which makes it difficult to get through. It’s actually the same issue as Orson Scott Card notes on the first pages of How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy (2001) about stories he wrote when starting out, which is a very useful read on ‘the setup’ of a sci-fi story. I’m okay with the story itself though, as odd as that may sound.
Mike M - Heart of Tin : a bit too forced, if that makes sense, probably due to the secondary (though the payoff is fun), with character dialogue being the give-away of that. Example being: “now it was.. turn to start” seems unnecessary when the exchange should tell that. That’s all I got though.
Azih - Further In : “panicky civilian”, question time for myself: I think one can feel panicky personally, but not be described by another as such. Is that correct or is my brain just making that up? “it’s a heart Jean”, missing a comma before Jean. Tone is a little inconsistent with character dialogue (Li), but the mention of an ifrit was where I went ‘huh?’, since there was little preparing me to accept it’s that kind of reality. Which also means the previous dialogue could have just mentioned that, since they live in that world and wouldn’t use “arsonist” when they know what it is. For reference, read Max Landis’s screenplay for Bright, which has a ‘reality shock’ at the start so you’re not asking that question about the world it’s taking place in. “the figure at the computer turned and Jean saw..”, how would she know that? Or rather, how do we expect that she would know that just by looking. Amusing premise for a story though.
FlowersisBritish - At The Watering Hole : “dimly lit tavern”, considering I only hear that word in westerns, it is at odds with “wall of urinals” just before it, since that’s a modern concept, whereas tavern is an old one. The bartender playing on his phone tells me it’s a pub (or bar in US English). “Emmet voice was a deep and lumbering”, first draft, huh? Same for “water levels” when they’re drinking beer. Well, and then it goes to places I did no expect. “long line of Jew’s”, Jews. Fun story though, but no idea what you’re channeling aside from John Oliver’s comment on that word.
Tangent - Somewhere to Belong : feels like you’re jumping from one thing to another in a very passive voice. Payoff is good, but it’s bit messy. But then I'm biased towards western-european styles of writing, which may be an issue here if you were channeling an 'eastern' style, like Murakami or similar authors. I fucking hate Murakami, just so you know why I'm a little biased.
Ashes - The Puzzle : “what’re you thinking”, does anyone actually talk like that? Other than that really jumpy, though that might be the channeling bit ( I don’t read much fiction to be honest). I get the point, but it’s too passive for me to truly enjoy. Sorry.
Cyan – Auctioneering : not much to say on this one other than “too many commas”, which is hardly valuable. But I got my reference in! Yeah, that’s really the best part of my life: dank memes. I’ll just let myself out.
Problem Attic - Apology : The most conventional entry of the round (which is not a bad thing, before you ask), though similar to Ashes’s entry. “I wanted to call out, the words to do so never formed, and before the shutting sound of our apartment door, the desire to had as well.” I tripped on the end of that sentence, since ‘never formed’ does not mesh with ‘had as well’. ‘the words had disappeared’ would have worked, but you can’t confirm a negative, if you will. Also: “thumping of the raindrops”, pretty sure that sound is too heavy for mere raindrops, but maybe that’s me. “not new information”, full stop, not a comma. There is no pass-through on one’s breathing there, so it can’t be a comma. In my opinion, of course. “I’d of restocked”, ooh, nasty slip there. Well, shit happens. “This one’s one me”, on, obviously, but you know that already. “..coming down harder, and colder, than before, but..”, you can take out the commas around ‘and colder’, you only need one on ‘but’. “I’d of” strikes again later. Am I missing character language here? Because if that’s intentional you can ignore my comment on that. Missing words near the end. ‘the corner’ and ‘it is past midnight’, but I’m just pointing this out on formality, not judgment. This was probably the most elegant read of all entries, so I’d say you definitely have talent worth exploring.
I don't really feel like voting though, since I didn't enter myself. Whom I would pick, without actually voting that is, in this challenge would be Flowers or Mike, with Problem Attic as runner-up. boop. Oh, and HM to Azih.
Cowlick – Mister Peter Tompkins: I wasn’t feeling this one, so I decided to put on the soundtrack of Dexter (love that piano theme) and immediately realized I could have just entered a fanfic of that one. Fuck. But back to your entry: I’d say it’s fine enough, but I sense a lack of practice from your pause. Or at least, that’s what it feels like to me. Like starting a bunch of sentences with “he would” abbreviated to “he’d” despite there being no ‘rhyme scheme’ there for the character to use that form without instantly knowing he’s doing that. Of course, “nobody knows anything”, certainly me, but that felt a bit off, if that makes sense. Does it?
RoyaleDuke - Prelude to a Salamander : I know it’s backhanded after suggesting to edit it before, but here we go anyway: “goes to school eventually to college”, missing a comma there. “Breakfast and coffee, and perhaps a cigar”, removing the second ‘and’ improves readability. Actually make that a general call for less ‘and’ being used. Cowlick’s entry had one or two of those as well. “from the terrors that exist existentially”, that’s twice the same thing. “from the terrors” is sufficient. Or ‘of the spirit’, since you’re trying to avoid using ‘mind’ twice there. The following “into existence” makes it three times the same thing, but that’s why I said this setup would be difficult to do before. Keeping concepts separate is surprisingly hard in writing. But you are writing, which is what matters.
mu cephei - so this happened today : similar problem to Duke’s and that is the initial overkill of different elements. Eventually it started to make some sense, but I’m still not sure whether any of the main characters are even human or not, which is kind of important when discussing B.O. Exposition wise this makes somewhat more sense, but only out-of-order which makes it difficult to get through. It’s actually the same issue as Orson Scott Card notes on the first pages of How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy (2001) about stories he wrote when starting out, which is a very useful read on ‘the setup’ of a sci-fi story. I’m okay with the story itself though, as odd as that may sound.
Mike M - Heart of Tin : a bit too forced, if that makes sense, probably due to the secondary (though the payoff is fun), with character dialogue being the give-away of that. Example being: “now it was.. turn to start” seems unnecessary when the exchange should tell that. That’s all I got though.
Azih - Further In : “panicky civilian”, question time for myself: I think one can feel panicky personally, but not be described by another as such. Is that correct or is my brain just making that up? “it’s a heart Jean”, missing a comma before Jean. Tone is a little inconsistent with character dialogue (Li), but the mention of an ifrit was where I went ‘huh?’, since there was little preparing me to accept it’s that kind of reality. Which also means the previous dialogue could have just mentioned that, since they live in that world and wouldn’t use “arsonist” when they know what it is. For reference, read Max Landis’s screenplay for Bright, which has a ‘reality shock’ at the start so you’re not asking that question about the world it’s taking place in. “the figure at the computer turned and Jean saw..”, how would she know that? Or rather, how do we expect that she would know that just by looking. Amusing premise for a story though.
FlowersisBritish - At The Watering Hole : “dimly lit tavern”, considering I only hear that word in westerns, it is at odds with “wall of urinals” just before it, since that’s a modern concept, whereas tavern is an old one. The bartender playing on his phone tells me it’s a pub (or bar in US English). “Emmet voice was a deep and lumbering”, first draft, huh? Same for “water levels” when they’re drinking beer. Well, and then it goes to places I did no expect. “long line of Jew’s”, Jews. Fun story though, but no idea what you’re channeling aside from John Oliver’s comment on that word.
Tangent - Somewhere to Belong : feels like you’re jumping from one thing to another in a very passive voice. Payoff is good, but it’s bit messy. But then I'm biased towards western-european styles of writing, which may be an issue here if you were channeling an 'eastern' style, like Murakami or similar authors. I fucking hate Murakami, just so you know why I'm a little biased.
Ashes - The Puzzle : “what’re you thinking”, does anyone actually talk like that? Other than that really jumpy, though that might be the channeling bit ( I don’t read much fiction to be honest). I get the point, but it’s too passive for me to truly enjoy. Sorry.
Cyan – Auctioneering : not much to say on this one other than “too many commas”, which is hardly valuable. But I got my reference in! Yeah, that’s really the best part of my life: dank memes. I’ll just let myself out.
Problem Attic - Apology : The most conventional entry of the round (which is not a bad thing, before you ask), though similar to Ashes’s entry. “I wanted to call out, the words to do so never formed, and before the shutting sound of our apartment door, the desire to had as well.” I tripped on the end of that sentence, since ‘never formed’ does not mesh with ‘had as well’. ‘the words had disappeared’ would have worked, but you can’t confirm a negative, if you will. Also: “thumping of the raindrops”, pretty sure that sound is too heavy for mere raindrops, but maybe that’s me. “not new information”, full stop, not a comma. There is no pass-through on one’s breathing there, so it can’t be a comma. In my opinion, of course. “I’d of restocked”, ooh, nasty slip there. Well, shit happens. “This one’s one me”, on, obviously, but you know that already. “..coming down harder, and colder, than before, but..”, you can take out the commas around ‘and colder’, you only need one on ‘but’. “I’d of” strikes again later. Am I missing character language here? Because if that’s intentional you can ignore my comment on that. Missing words near the end. ‘the corner’ and ‘it is past midnight’, but I’m just pointing this out on formality, not judgment. This was probably the most elegant read of all entries, so I’d say you definitely have talent worth exploring.
I don't really feel like voting though, since I didn't enter myself. Whom I would pick, without actually voting that is, in this challenge would be Flowers or Mike, with Problem Attic as runner-up. boop. Oh, and HM to Azih.
Votes to:
1: Azih
My first thought for this challenge was to write a murder investigation. The body's heart is missing. Intriguing, right? But I couldn't find anything interesting to do with it. You did, and in a way I wouldn't/couldn't have tackled. I enjoyed how natural the transition felt. By the time it came, I was willing to accept it and ride with it.
2: Mike M
Okay, no joke: my second thought for this challenge was a take on The Wizard of Oz. This one got no further than the Tin Man/needs a heart thought bubble after considering the prompt. A fun read.
3: Ashes
This is a solid foundation that could be lifted even further by breaking up some of those paragraphs to single (or double) line stabs to really hammer home a certain line or thought, or making some lines actual dialogue to give them more weight. But still, this one worked for me.
1: Azih
My first thought for this challenge was to write a murder investigation. The body's heart is missing. Intriguing, right? But I couldn't find anything interesting to do with it. You did, and in a way I wouldn't/couldn't have tackled. I enjoyed how natural the transition felt. By the time it came, I was willing to accept it and ride with it.
2: Mike M
Okay, no joke: my second thought for this challenge was a take on The Wizard of Oz. This one got no further than the Tin Man/needs a heart thought bubble after considering the prompt. A fun read.
3: Ashes
This is a solid foundation that could be lifted even further by breaking up some of those paragraphs to single (or double) line stabs to really hammer home a certain line or thought, or making some lines actual dialogue to give them more weight. But still, this one worked for me.
Problem Attic
Member
Thanks again for letting me participate, this was a lot of fun and I hope to submit a few more in the future.
I really enjoyed everyones stories, though there were a couple that I dont think clicked with me as well as I wish they would have. Still, Ive provided feedback below.
Disclaimer: I get that writing is a super personal thing, and you have to really put yourself out there when sharing a story with others, so Ive tried to be honest with each one from my own point of view. If anyone has any questions or comments about anything Ive written, please let me know and Ill be more than happy to elaborate.
Without further ado, the top three:
1 Mike M - Heart of Tin
2 Ashes - The Puzzle
3 mu cephei - so this happened today
And feedback, in order of submission:
Cowlick - Mister Peter Tompkins: I really liked what you did to establish the characters anger. He has a motif for his actions and to some degree, I found the emotion relatable; you can empathize with this guy to some extent. But I think I kind of got a little lost with the animal aspects of the story. It certainly humanizes him, but I thought the anger was already very humanizing. His actions, to himself, are already justified, and yet he becomes vulnerable in front of the people hes fighting against. That seemed to contradict his nature that was established in the first half of the story. I guess I wouldve just liked to see the second half keep the same tone.
RoyaleDuke - Prelude to a Salamander: First, Im a huge fan of 1984 and a Brave New World, so I really applaud you for going all in on this genre and with a word limit to boot (even though you were a little over). Thats also what makes this really hard, you have to build a world in limited space, but for the most part, you used some great elements that helped you do that (happiness pills, green flash, others) so your story turned into a nice tribute to the genre. All that said, I could nitpick some spelling errors, and I did have a problem with two elements of your story: A guy who is just like everyone else would probably not smoke cigars in a dystopian society, and one million patients is maybe a little too high of a believable number.
mu cephei - so this happened today: Wow, this is super descriptive, and I mean that in the best way. So many details setting, characters are really well thought out. I just cant help but feel this exists as a small piece of something much, much bigger. Id love to see what you could do with twice the word limit. Im really conflicted with this one; its not an incomplete story, but I want more. Though, I guess if thats my biggest complaint, youre on the right track.
Mike M - Heart of Tin: This story was really fun to read. I want to know so much more about everything, but Im still satisfied with whats here. Im questioning some of the characters decisions, but thats applying a super severe level of scrutiny thats pretty unnecessary.
Azih - Further In: I had a little trouble getting into this one, but once it kind of became your own story with the magical elements, I was much more invested. I feel like there was this fight between the realistic elements in the first half and fantasy elements at the end, and there just wasnt space to vet them both. You had some great ideas though.
FlowersisBritish - At The Watering Hole: You did a good job elaborating on your characters situations, which are really the punch line of the whole story and it works; the jokes land where they are supposed to, and that is hard to do in writing. I just had a tough time relating to these characters. They came off as a little too caricatured.
Tangent - Somewhere to Belong: Im really disappointed in myself for not liking this story more than I do. It checks all the right boxes, but something just feels missing. The real story seems to hide in the background, and for me personally, I just couldnt find it, but I really like how it was written. The beginning and end were tied together very nicely.
Ashes - The Puzzle: I liked this story, but its also similar to what I wrote so its hard for me to not critique it in that regard, haha. This story sets out and does what it was written to do, and I really appreciate that. I just lose a little bit of the balance in the relationship to his side, since we are shown his history of camping and seclusion and thats our setting as well. It feels like her side of things is a slightly muddied in comparison. But I get the theme and theres something very honest about it.
Cyan - Auctioneering: Hard to say something about an unfinished product, but it was definitely going somewhere fun. Id love to read the finished product if you get around to it.
I really enjoyed everyones stories, though there were a couple that I dont think clicked with me as well as I wish they would have. Still, Ive provided feedback below.
Disclaimer: I get that writing is a super personal thing, and you have to really put yourself out there when sharing a story with others, so Ive tried to be honest with each one from my own point of view. If anyone has any questions or comments about anything Ive written, please let me know and Ill be more than happy to elaborate.
Without further ado, the top three:
1 Mike M - Heart of Tin
2 Ashes - The Puzzle
3 mu cephei - so this happened today
And feedback, in order of submission:
Cowlick - Mister Peter Tompkins: I really liked what you did to establish the characters anger. He has a motif for his actions and to some degree, I found the emotion relatable; you can empathize with this guy to some extent. But I think I kind of got a little lost with the animal aspects of the story. It certainly humanizes him, but I thought the anger was already very humanizing. His actions, to himself, are already justified, and yet he becomes vulnerable in front of the people hes fighting against. That seemed to contradict his nature that was established in the first half of the story. I guess I wouldve just liked to see the second half keep the same tone.
RoyaleDuke - Prelude to a Salamander: First, Im a huge fan of 1984 and a Brave New World, so I really applaud you for going all in on this genre and with a word limit to boot (even though you were a little over). Thats also what makes this really hard, you have to build a world in limited space, but for the most part, you used some great elements that helped you do that (happiness pills, green flash, others) so your story turned into a nice tribute to the genre. All that said, I could nitpick some spelling errors, and I did have a problem with two elements of your story: A guy who is just like everyone else would probably not smoke cigars in a dystopian society, and one million patients is maybe a little too high of a believable number.
mu cephei - so this happened today: Wow, this is super descriptive, and I mean that in the best way. So many details setting, characters are really well thought out. I just cant help but feel this exists as a small piece of something much, much bigger. Id love to see what you could do with twice the word limit. Im really conflicted with this one; its not an incomplete story, but I want more. Though, I guess if thats my biggest complaint, youre on the right track.
Mike M - Heart of Tin: This story was really fun to read. I want to know so much more about everything, but Im still satisfied with whats here. Im questioning some of the characters decisions, but thats applying a super severe level of scrutiny thats pretty unnecessary.
Azih - Further In: I had a little trouble getting into this one, but once it kind of became your own story with the magical elements, I was much more invested. I feel like there was this fight between the realistic elements in the first half and fantasy elements at the end, and there just wasnt space to vet them both. You had some great ideas though.
FlowersisBritish - At The Watering Hole: You did a good job elaborating on your characters situations, which are really the punch line of the whole story and it works; the jokes land where they are supposed to, and that is hard to do in writing. I just had a tough time relating to these characters. They came off as a little too caricatured.
Tangent - Somewhere to Belong: Im really disappointed in myself for not liking this story more than I do. It checks all the right boxes, but something just feels missing. The real story seems to hide in the background, and for me personally, I just couldnt find it, but I really like how it was written. The beginning and end were tied together very nicely.
Ashes - The Puzzle: I liked this story, but its also similar to what I wrote so its hard for me to not critique it in that regard, haha. This story sets out and does what it was written to do, and I really appreciate that. I just lose a little bit of the balance in the relationship to his side, since we are shown his history of camping and seclusion and thats our setting as well. It feels like her side of things is a slightly muddied in comparison. But I get the theme and theres something very honest about it.
Cyan - Auctioneering: Hard to say something about an unfinished product, but it was definitely going somewhere fun. Id love to read the finished product if you get around to it.
Cowlick: The problem I have with stories that consist of one person speaking at length is that it rarely sounds natural to my ear. Even if a dialogue is primarily one-sided, in a real conversation you usually still have those little things to confirm that the other side is engaged, whether it be grunts of agreement, rhetorical questions, etc. There were a few questions aimed at the psychologist that actually got a response, but overall that lack of those tiny moments of interruption we mentally gloss over in face-to-face interactions stood out to me. That aside, I thought it was fairly well composed and any given paragraph sounded like how a real person would talk; its only taken cumulatively that it stumbled a bit for me.
RoyaleDuke: Sadly, Ive never read Fahrenheit 451, so I cant comment on fidelity to the original material. I mostly enjoyed this, but you had a few fairly significant issues that impeded my read through. There were numerous places where it appeared you slipped back and forth between first and third person perspectives (sometimes in the same sentence), which necessitated a lot of rereading to make sure I was parsing sentences correctly. On a related note, a lot of your sentence constructions were somewhat unwieldy to me and could have benefited from rewording, breaking down into multiple sentences, and reworking comma splices. And much like last time, youve got some monstrous paragraphs in there that are probably more like two or three paragraphs apiece. Your line spacing is inconsistent throughout, too, which on at least one occasion gave the impression of a new scene beginning in the middle of an exchange of dialogue.
mu cephei: The shifts in POV between Kovo, Gareth Two, and Army Tom were jarring, I think we were pulled in a bit too close on the characters for an omniscient third person narrative to work properly. It probably wouldnt have taken a whole lot of retooling to run everything through the POV of Kovo, either. This read like an introduction to an ensemble cast of characters, and the fact that you were able to imbue so many of them with personality and quirks in a relatively short work is a credit. Theres also enough details of the world they live in to fill in enough of the picture to get a feel for the setting. But once we got through the establishment stuff, there wasnt a whole lot else going on. The Elect are coming to view the factory; thats kind of the breadth and width of it without much in the way of conflict to drive things.
Mike M: Legitimately surprised that no one else tackled the Tin Man. I butchered this to hell to get it to fit in the word count, largely because I was entirely too lazy to start from scratch. Ive never actually read any of the Oz books and mostly just ran with the general outline for how the Tin Man came to be, but didnt really get the chance to get as deep into it as I was wanting to. The ultimate fate of Nimmie in the books is that she marries a glued-together mash up of of the Tin Woodman and Tin Soldiers body parts, which seems delightfully gruesome, and Id have loved to touch on that. Also, I wish I could have done something with Nicks head, which continued to live after his decapitation and insist that he was Nick and that the Tin Man was a forgery. Theres a lot of fucked-up shit to be unpacked between those two things, and the end result is hardly a shadow of the body horror stuff it could have been.
Azih: One quibble I would have is that everyone who isnt a medical examiner is able to identify a human heart on sight (the forensic officer able to identify the victims gender, even!) and know that it didnt belong to any other sort of animal. I really dug the description of the arsonist as being an ifrit before I got further into the paragraph and found it was a literal ifrit. Hadnt realized we were getting a supernatural twist until that point, and I while the notion of someone finding out that the real world is full of weird and magical things is done to death, its a broad enough premise that theres always room for more. I do like the fact that Jenna was being pulled into the strangeness by degrees rather than just everything at once like so many other stories, but the pacing seemed out of whack. We take a while to get to the idea of a Heartless, then its investigated and resolved in the space of a page when the investigation could have been the story all on its own.
FlowersisBritish: The Drowners Gallows seems to be invoking two mutually exclusive methods of execution. Also sounds a very high-fantasy name for a bar set in the real world, but I dont go to many bars so what do I know what theyre named. I think everything around here is named some jingoistic thing about eagles or something Irish anyway. It seemed like your editing game wasnt quite up to par this week out, as I saw a lot of missing hyphenations and Jews instead of Jews. Oh, and bruiting almost Arian instead of bruting Aryans, plus sundry other things. I couldnt relate to any of these people for obvious reasons, but I think I was most disappointed with Emmet in the end. It felt like we were being cued up some sort of joke with him, but there wasnt a discrete punchline, only zaniness about keeping axes in every room and lopping off limbs as an intervention. Never understood what peoples problem with moist was...
Tangent: This left me with so many questions that I dont think well ever get the answer to, the most obvious being who built him and why. Not even getting into the logistics of how you have an android appear to grow up.
Ashes: As always, youve got a real knack for digging into relationships between people and exploring if not their dysfunction, their imperfections. I want to say that the protagonist was acting like a moron to go free climbing up a cliff in the dead of night with nothing but the moon, but the narrator comes right out and cites a suicidal impulse when climbing, so it fits. Ending at least gave an optimistic note that they might work out whatever unnamable trouble it is thats going on between them.
Cyan: Well, that was certainly a brief read. So out of curiosity, what exactly is the module and what does it do?
Problem Attic: OMFG, I only now got your username. How embarrassing. The subject matter of this one seemed to be split right down the middle between Ashes and Flowers, and I especially loved the one little detail about the half-empty glass of scotch. Everyone knows the mark of a pessimist, but I cant recall the last time I actually read about a half-empty glass. It may be a cliche, but that one bit did more to put me in the head of the narrator than practically anything else (not that I need much help getting into the head of a pessimist). The guy recognizes hes a failure, but also recognizes his inability/unwillingness to change and resigns himself to the endless cycle of self-propagating failure. Depressing as shit, but I dont do happy endings too often, so it works for me.
Votes:
1. Problem Attic
2. Cowlick
3. Mu cephei
RoyaleDuke: Sadly, Ive never read Fahrenheit 451, so I cant comment on fidelity to the original material. I mostly enjoyed this, but you had a few fairly significant issues that impeded my read through. There were numerous places where it appeared you slipped back and forth between first and third person perspectives (sometimes in the same sentence), which necessitated a lot of rereading to make sure I was parsing sentences correctly. On a related note, a lot of your sentence constructions were somewhat unwieldy to me and could have benefited from rewording, breaking down into multiple sentences, and reworking comma splices. And much like last time, youve got some monstrous paragraphs in there that are probably more like two or three paragraphs apiece. Your line spacing is inconsistent throughout, too, which on at least one occasion gave the impression of a new scene beginning in the middle of an exchange of dialogue.
mu cephei: The shifts in POV between Kovo, Gareth Two, and Army Tom were jarring, I think we were pulled in a bit too close on the characters for an omniscient third person narrative to work properly. It probably wouldnt have taken a whole lot of retooling to run everything through the POV of Kovo, either. This read like an introduction to an ensemble cast of characters, and the fact that you were able to imbue so many of them with personality and quirks in a relatively short work is a credit. Theres also enough details of the world they live in to fill in enough of the picture to get a feel for the setting. But once we got through the establishment stuff, there wasnt a whole lot else going on. The Elect are coming to view the factory; thats kind of the breadth and width of it without much in the way of conflict to drive things.
Mike M: Legitimately surprised that no one else tackled the Tin Man. I butchered this to hell to get it to fit in the word count, largely because I was entirely too lazy to start from scratch. Ive never actually read any of the Oz books and mostly just ran with the general outline for how the Tin Man came to be, but didnt really get the chance to get as deep into it as I was wanting to. The ultimate fate of Nimmie in the books is that she marries a glued-together mash up of of the Tin Woodman and Tin Soldiers body parts, which seems delightfully gruesome, and Id have loved to touch on that. Also, I wish I could have done something with Nicks head, which continued to live after his decapitation and insist that he was Nick and that the Tin Man was a forgery. Theres a lot of fucked-up shit to be unpacked between those two things, and the end result is hardly a shadow of the body horror stuff it could have been.
Azih: One quibble I would have is that everyone who isnt a medical examiner is able to identify a human heart on sight (the forensic officer able to identify the victims gender, even!) and know that it didnt belong to any other sort of animal. I really dug the description of the arsonist as being an ifrit before I got further into the paragraph and found it was a literal ifrit. Hadnt realized we were getting a supernatural twist until that point, and I while the notion of someone finding out that the real world is full of weird and magical things is done to death, its a broad enough premise that theres always room for more. I do like the fact that Jenna was being pulled into the strangeness by degrees rather than just everything at once like so many other stories, but the pacing seemed out of whack. We take a while to get to the idea of a Heartless, then its investigated and resolved in the space of a page when the investigation could have been the story all on its own.
FlowersisBritish: The Drowners Gallows seems to be invoking two mutually exclusive methods of execution. Also sounds a very high-fantasy name for a bar set in the real world, but I dont go to many bars so what do I know what theyre named. I think everything around here is named some jingoistic thing about eagles or something Irish anyway. It seemed like your editing game wasnt quite up to par this week out, as I saw a lot of missing hyphenations and Jews instead of Jews. Oh, and bruiting almost Arian instead of bruting Aryans, plus sundry other things. I couldnt relate to any of these people for obvious reasons, but I think I was most disappointed with Emmet in the end. It felt like we were being cued up some sort of joke with him, but there wasnt a discrete punchline, only zaniness about keeping axes in every room and lopping off limbs as an intervention. Never understood what peoples problem with moist was...
Tangent: This left me with so many questions that I dont think well ever get the answer to, the most obvious being who built him and why. Not even getting into the logistics of how you have an android appear to grow up.
Ashes: As always, youve got a real knack for digging into relationships between people and exploring if not their dysfunction, their imperfections. I want to say that the protagonist was acting like a moron to go free climbing up a cliff in the dead of night with nothing but the moon, but the narrator comes right out and cites a suicidal impulse when climbing, so it fits. Ending at least gave an optimistic note that they might work out whatever unnamable trouble it is thats going on between them.
Cyan: Well, that was certainly a brief read. So out of curiosity, what exactly is the module and what does it do?
Problem Attic: OMFG, I only now got your username. How embarrassing. The subject matter of this one seemed to be split right down the middle between Ashes and Flowers, and I especially loved the one little detail about the half-empty glass of scotch. Everyone knows the mark of a pessimist, but I cant recall the last time I actually read about a half-empty glass. It may be a cliche, but that one bit did more to put me in the head of the narrator than practically anything else (not that I need much help getting into the head of a pessimist). The guy recognizes hes a failure, but also recognizes his inability/unwillingness to change and resigns himself to the endless cycle of self-propagating failure. Depressing as shit, but I dont do happy endings too often, so it works for me.
Votes:
1. Problem Attic
2. Cowlick
3. Mu cephei
Cowlick:
Strong use of bold language. The problem as Mike mentioned as well is that a one way conversation is hard to sustain for two thousand words. It could work as diary entries or a speech or something. Some bits of the characters past history don't seem to work. Celebrities face worse than a spray painted 'whore' daily on twitter for example.
Royal Duke:
The story shifted between first and third person a lot and that made it hard to read. The girl's sacrifice to try and make a point to the protagonist was very tragic but so extreme that it was hard to relate to.
Mu Cephi:
Wonderful start to a world building. But there wasn't much of a story there. Just a lot of questions on how things work in this world and how the oddballs you describe fit into it.
Mike:
Wonderful as always and the origin of the tin man fits perfectly with the theme and the secondary.
At the watering hole:
Loved this one. Comedy is hard and all three of the drinkers are so screwed up in their own weird way that I'm in awe that you pulled them all off.
Tangent:
I always love your characters and Peter's reveal and reaction to it were wonderful even if it was unclear what benefit Peter was getting from his prayers at the end that he wasn't before in the temple.
Ashes and Problem Attic:
Have to do these together as they're so similar in tone. Relations are terrible horrible things when they don't go as they should and I think both of you captured that perfectly. The Ashes MC's characterization suffered a bit from being extreme enough to abandon his significant other and go on an impuslive free climb by moon light. Problem Attic's I think benefited from the story staying a bit more grounded and the MC having more people to interact with to flesh him out.
1. At the watering hole
2. Problem Attic
2. Mike M
HM Tangent, Ashes
As for my own story, it really really wanted to be a 3000 word one if not more. I had to edit pretty rythlessly to get it under the limit. there was going to be a much longer back and forth between th heartless and Jean. I did leave in one bit of foreshadowing of the swerve by noting the dog who found it didnt like it.. pretty happy overall despite some themes reduced to just hinted at.
Strong use of bold language. The problem as Mike mentioned as well is that a one way conversation is hard to sustain for two thousand words. It could work as diary entries or a speech or something. Some bits of the characters past history don't seem to work. Celebrities face worse than a spray painted 'whore' daily on twitter for example.
Royal Duke:
The story shifted between first and third person a lot and that made it hard to read. The girl's sacrifice to try and make a point to the protagonist was very tragic but so extreme that it was hard to relate to.
Mu Cephi:
Wonderful start to a world building. But there wasn't much of a story there. Just a lot of questions on how things work in this world and how the oddballs you describe fit into it.
Mike:
Wonderful as always and the origin of the tin man fits perfectly with the theme and the secondary.
At the watering hole:
Loved this one. Comedy is hard and all three of the drinkers are so screwed up in their own weird way that I'm in awe that you pulled them all off.
Tangent:
I always love your characters and Peter's reveal and reaction to it were wonderful even if it was unclear what benefit Peter was getting from his prayers at the end that he wasn't before in the temple.
Ashes and Problem Attic:
Have to do these together as they're so similar in tone. Relations are terrible horrible things when they don't go as they should and I think both of you captured that perfectly. The Ashes MC's characterization suffered a bit from being extreme enough to abandon his significant other and go on an impuslive free climb by moon light. Problem Attic's I think benefited from the story staying a bit more grounded and the MC having more people to interact with to flesh him out.
1. At the watering hole
2. Problem Attic
2. Mike M
HM Tangent, Ashes
As for my own story, it really really wanted to be a 3000 word one if not more. I had to edit pretty rythlessly to get it under the limit. there was going to be a much longer back and forth between th heartless and Jean. I did leave in one bit of foreshadowing of the swerve by noting the dog who found it didnt like it.. pretty happy overall despite some themes reduced to just hinted at.
RoyaleDuke
Banned
1. Problem Attic- Great story
2. At The Watering Hole- Fantastic characters!
3. Mike M.
As for my own story, I didn't get around to completely editing it like I said I was doing.
Major Depressive Disorder is a bitch.
I also didn't want to edit it down because I had already done that and I didn't want to neuter the story. Fun fact I wrote this story on roughly two hours of sleep.
To those that took the time to read my story, thank you so much. Really, I appreciate it so much because I am starting to believe that maybe, just maybe I am not a fool for believing in my ideas, concepts, and writing. You are giving me courage to finish my science fiction novel.
As for repetition in this story, I wanted that to be felt by the reader as they read it so as to really understand just how everyone is the same, day in and day out, and further highlight when things were out of place.
The girls sacrifice is supposed to be tragic, unrelatable, and savage. It is to illustrate to the reader that even if given the chance to deviate for something, anything(in this case love from another person), he wouldn't do it because it isn't in his capacity. Thus tying into the theme of being heartless. That said I ask what is more heartless than not being able to conceive of the notion? I highlight this through the main characters growing anxiety as small changes from his routine, and experiences begin to unnerve him.
Fun story tidbit, Fraude is Fraud in Spanish.
I make direct mentions or references to several ideas and things from Fahrenheit in the story to further tie it to Bradbury's work without making it feel cheap or un-original. I think that is something that people should think about when creating a prequel to anything.
As for my own style of writing I feel like even though it makes my work a bit harder to read, I feel it makes it stand out with its own sense of style and conventions. I am deeply influenced by many science fiction, nonfiction, and horror writers. Lovecraft is notorious for switching perspectives mid-sentence to describe something before going back to first person. His work was the most influential to me along with Edgar Allan Poe, Ray Bradbury, Orwell, Bloch, Hunter S. Thompson, Nietzsche.
I figure if Mark Z Danliewski can release that pile of trash House of Leaves, I can have my unconventional writing style.
2. At The Watering Hole- Fantastic characters!
3. Mike M.
As for my own story, I didn't get around to completely editing it like I said I was doing.
Major Depressive Disorder is a bitch.
I also didn't want to edit it down because I had already done that and I didn't want to neuter the story. Fun fact I wrote this story on roughly two hours of sleep.
To those that took the time to read my story, thank you so much. Really, I appreciate it so much because I am starting to believe that maybe, just maybe I am not a fool for believing in my ideas, concepts, and writing. You are giving me courage to finish my science fiction novel.
As for repetition in this story, I wanted that to be felt by the reader as they read it so as to really understand just how everyone is the same, day in and day out, and further highlight when things were out of place.
The girls sacrifice is supposed to be tragic, unrelatable, and savage. It is to illustrate to the reader that even if given the chance to deviate for something, anything(in this case love from another person), he wouldn't do it because it isn't in his capacity. Thus tying into the theme of being heartless. That said I ask what is more heartless than not being able to conceive of the notion? I highlight this through the main characters growing anxiety as small changes from his routine, and experiences begin to unnerve him.
Fun story tidbit, Fraude is Fraud in Spanish.
I make direct mentions or references to several ideas and things from Fahrenheit in the story to further tie it to Bradbury's work without making it feel cheap or un-original. I think that is something that people should think about when creating a prequel to anything.
As for my own style of writing I feel like even though it makes my work a bit harder to read, I feel it makes it stand out with its own sense of style and conventions. I am deeply influenced by many science fiction, nonfiction, and horror writers. Lovecraft is notorious for switching perspectives mid-sentence to describe something before going back to first person. His work was the most influential to me along with Edgar Allan Poe, Ray Bradbury, Orwell, Bloch, Hunter S. Thompson, Nietzsche.
I figure if Mark Z Danliewski can release that pile of trash House of Leaves, I can have my unconventional writing style.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Tangent: That twist got me so god damn good you don't even know. Especially cause everything within that fight was explained before!
Cowlick: Lot of good little lines about life in here and also that frog bit. Your last line kinda escaped me though.
Mike M: Clever interoperation. Felt Delothra's methods were a little extreme for just not wanting to replace a maid. Feels like a lot of work for a small goal.
Azih: Really enjoyed this. Just saying, if this was a tv show, I'd watch it. Really loved LI and Bo's banter. Though, her believing the heartless at the end was a little much for me. What if he was lying?
Problem Attic: Very well written. You did a fantastic job with environmental details. I'm jealous. Only thing that bothered me was some parts you held the reader's hand, "Before you ask, it's a metaphor." Readers tend to be smart, they can figure it out.
Ashes: Good to see you back. I liked the way you portrayed the relationship, but mostly i really enjoyed the internal back and forth inside the narrators mind.
Royal Duke: With Mu Cephei on this, could have easily edited this down by 400 words. You have a lot of good details, but a lot of them feel very much and kinda superfluous, making it hard to follow the story. Though, did like the little link to 451 in it, and in general that end bit.
Cyan: Jezus that formatting. Is that how you write your stories? What can i really say other than yeah I'd read more.
Mu Cephei: Lot of fun bits, but mostly enjoyed how you gradually introduced the weirdness in a pretty steady flow.
Flowersisme: Two things brought this odd story about. 1, a very good article Yahtzee did on humor writing and the need for ridiculous premises. The thing I reread was, the not so funny, For Whom The Bell Tolls by Hemingway. Specifically the scenes where Pilar told a story, because GOD she can tell a story. So I tried to combine those two ideas.
Votes
1. Azih
2. Tangent
3. Mike M
Cowlick: Lot of good little lines about life in here and also that frog bit. Your last line kinda escaped me though.
Mike M: Clever interoperation. Felt Delothra's methods were a little extreme for just not wanting to replace a maid. Feels like a lot of work for a small goal.
Azih: Really enjoyed this. Just saying, if this was a tv show, I'd watch it. Really loved LI and Bo's banter. Though, her believing the heartless at the end was a little much for me. What if he was lying?
Problem Attic: Very well written. You did a fantastic job with environmental details. I'm jealous. Only thing that bothered me was some parts you held the reader's hand, "Before you ask, it's a metaphor." Readers tend to be smart, they can figure it out.
Ashes: Good to see you back. I liked the way you portrayed the relationship, but mostly i really enjoyed the internal back and forth inside the narrators mind.
Royal Duke: With Mu Cephei on this, could have easily edited this down by 400 words. You have a lot of good details, but a lot of them feel very much and kinda superfluous, making it hard to follow the story. Though, did like the little link to 451 in it, and in general that end bit.
Cyan: Jezus that formatting. Is that how you write your stories? What can i really say other than yeah I'd read more.
Mu Cephei: Lot of fun bits, but mostly enjoyed how you gradually introduced the weirdness in a pretty steady flow.
Flowersisme: Two things brought this odd story about. 1, a very good article Yahtzee did on humor writing and the need for ridiculous premises. The thing I reread was, the not so funny, For Whom The Bell Tolls by Hemingway. Specifically the scenes where Pilar told a story, because GOD she can tell a story. So I tried to combine those two ideas.
Votes
1. Azih
2. Tangent
3. Mike M
Votes:
1. FlowersisBritish - At The Watering Hole
2. Problem Attic - Apology
3. Cowlick - Mister Peter Tompkins
Sorry I lost track of time again and won't be providing feedback!
1. FlowersisBritish - At The Watering Hole
2. Problem Attic - Apology
3. Cowlick - Mister Peter Tompkins
Sorry I lost track of time again and won't be providing feedback!
That's funny, I have very mixed feelings about Murakami. What do you not like? And good point, re: passive voice. Also very impressive that you (a) read all the stories and (b) provided feedback, even though you didn't submit and aren't voting. That's dedication.
This was the most amusing thing I've read from a reader. Don't blame YOURSELF if you don't like something more than you'd hope to! It's the job of the writer to make you like something, so it must have been something up with my writing. Maybe it's just hard to articulate what it is.
Yes, I'm curious to know who built him and why, and why his family took him on, and how they were able to afford to, etc. But in terms of the logistics of him growing, I guess that can be chalked up to the fact that his construction was a project of bioengineering, not artificial intelligence. So all the tissues and organs and hormones, etc. were bioengineered like that of a human's. Which lends to the idea that maybe the gestalt of that all also included a soul that could receive and send prayers to a higher power.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Sorry I lost track of time again and won't be providing feedback!
Confession, I almost didn't provide feedback because holy cow do we have a lot this time around. Like, what can you really add at that point?
Second Confession I forgot to put in my comment. Problem Attic,
I didn't get your username either until Mike mentioned it...
Thanks for the notes. Don't know that my snippet really deserved the effort. The module was a macguffin. Hadn't really worked out what it actually did, which was maybe part of the problem. And yes, I almost always write in text files in Notepad, then clean it up in Word before PDFing. Really relaxing to use Notepad. And the margins are fine if you resize the window!
The module was a macguffin. Hadn't really worked out what it actually did, which was maybe part of the problem. And yes, I almost always write in text files in Notepad, then clean it up in Word before PDFing. Really relaxing to use Notepad. And the margins are fine if you resize the window!Problem Attic
Member
Thanks everyone for the feedback, I definitely have quite a bit to consider on the next go around. I'm also glad some of you are enjoying the name; it's a try hard attempt at being clever, but if it was going to be appreciated, it would be in the writing community.
I thought your story was well written, and I don't like not enjoying a well written story. You deserved the benefit of the doubt, which is where I was going with that feedback. It's not fair to say "It's bad because I don't get it," that doesn't help you on things to consider next time, or me when I (hopefully) read something from you in the future.
I have thought about this more, and I think my issue is foreshadowing; your story kind of suffered from not having it. I mean, we know there's a theme so you could kind of see where things were going, but on paper the twist just didn't translate for me. When the dude gets stabbed, anything could have happened, because there was no context for him to be a robot. You could go back to that passage and write him turning into a t-rex and change nothing else in your story and it all still fits together. But that's also what I mean, I liked what you did with everything else that I don't really hold the twist against it, but I did read around that part. I think that if you wrote one or two lines about the uncle being a mechanic and the kid spending a couple of weekends tinkering on projects with him, or you elaborate on the video game he plays to where the VR is different for him than it is for others, I'm on board.
This was a really good story where I have to split hairs to give you my constructive(?) criticism, and I don't think that's the point of this exercise. I apologize if it sounds like I'm piling on, because that's not my intention, I'm just digging really deep to tell you what missed the mark for me.
I thought your story was well written, and I don't like not enjoying a well written story. You deserved the benefit of the doubt, which is where I was going with that feedback. It's not fair to say "It's bad because I don't get it," that doesn't help you on things to consider next time, or me when I (hopefully) read something from you in the future.
I have thought about this more, and I think my issue is foreshadowing; your story kind of suffered from not having it. I mean, we know there's a theme so you could kind of see where things were going, but on paper the twist just didn't translate for me. When the dude gets stabbed, anything could have happened, because there was no context for him to be a robot. You could go back to that passage and write him turning into a t-rex and change nothing else in your story and it all still fits together. But that's also what I mean, I liked what you did with everything else that I don't really hold the twist against it, but I did read around that part. I think that if you wrote one or two lines about the uncle being a mechanic and the kid spending a couple of weekends tinkering on projects with him, or you elaborate on the video game he plays to where the VR is different for him than it is for others, I'm on board.
This was a really good story where I have to split hairs to give you my constructive(?) criticism, and I don't think that's the point of this exercise. I apologize if it sounds like I'm piling on, because that's not my intention, I'm just digging really deep to tell you what missed the mark for me.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Anyone else in the process of voting, or are we good to call it?
The Results:
1st Place (tie): FlowersisBritish - "At The Watering Hole"
1st Place (tie): Problem Attic - "Apology"
3rd Place: Mike M - "Heart of Tin"
Vote Count:
FlowersisBritish - 11 (3)
Problem Attic - 11 (2)
Mike M - 10 (1)
Azih - 6 (2)
Ashes - 6 (1)
Cowlick - 6
mu cephei - 2
Tangent - 2
Damn that was a tight one. Flowers takes the tiebreaker on first place votes. (Maybe someone should double-check my counting just in case.) Congrats!
1st Place (tie): FlowersisBritish - "At The Watering Hole"
1st Place (tie): Problem Attic - "Apology"
3rd Place: Mike M - "Heart of Tin"
Vote Count:
FlowersisBritish - 11 (3)
Problem Attic - 11 (2)
Mike M - 10 (1)
Azih - 6 (2)
Ashes - 6 (1)
Cowlick - 6
mu cephei - 2
Tangent - 2
Damn that was a tight one. Flowers takes the tiebreaker on first place votes. (Maybe someone should double-check my counting just in case.) Congrats!
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
When I did my count, I won by one, but I could be the wrong one. Who knows. Either way, time to put on your boogy shoes everybody.
I'll second this. Thanks, Freeza.
(And your observation is correct -- I am a little rusty, so hopefully I can get back into the routine.)
- Status