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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #198 - "Oblivion"
- Thread starter Problem Attic
- Start date
- Status
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Sneaking Out For A Cigarette
I have no idea what #entry will do, but I'm willing to believe in Ashes crazy robot future.
I have no idea what #entry will do, but I'm willing to believe in Ashes crazy robot future.
I'm probably not going to enter this week either. (I'm also tired of turning in unfinished stuff and have no motivation). I will be working/ trying to work on my story today, but I won't be rushing, so if I do manage to get something readable together, I'll post it as ineligible.
Problem Attic
Member
Is that everyone? Because I have no problem waiting until later this evening to collect if a couple of you need a little more time.
I really appreciate the generosity, but I don't think I'll manage it. I was aiming for 8pm (about 2 hours from now) but doubt I'll make it, so please don't wait for me. If I do post anything, looks like it'll be 24 hours late which, yeah, a bit too much to indulge!
I just want to use the challenge as an incentive to finish, and I'm happy with giving people the option or not to read it.
Problem Attic
Member
Okay, the library is now open. I anyone has any late entries, please submit them as I'm sure everyone would still enjoy reading what you have and providing feedback.
Parmadillo Marshmellow - The Migration (chapter 1)
Spacejaws - The Wall in Oblivion
Ashes - Main.txt (clearly the early front runner)
Freeza Under the Shower - The Living
Mike M - The Distance Between
Tangent - The Power of Suggestion
RoyalDuke - The Cost of Normality
Problem Attic - Transition
FlowersisBritish - Sneaking out for a Cigarette
Cyan - Oblivion City Limits
Mu Cephei - Blight
Parmadillo Marshmellow - The Migration (chapter 1)
Spacejaws - The Wall in Oblivion
Ashes - Main.txt (clearly the early front runner)
Freeza Under the Shower - The Living
Mike M - The Distance Between
Tangent - The Power of Suggestion
RoyalDuke - The Cost of Normality
Problem Attic - Transition
FlowersisBritish - Sneaking out for a Cigarette
Cyan - Oblivion City Limits
Mu Cephei - Blight
RoyaleDuke
Banned
You forgot my entry.
Problem Attic
Member
Sorry about that, but Ive looked five times and can't seem to find it. Might be a phone issue, but can you repost or quote it and I'll add it asap.
Problem Attic
Member
Thanks guys, sorry about that again...
1. Mike M
2. Cyan
3. Flowers
Vague comments:
Mike M - The Distance Between. Einhorn :3 Yeah this was a little less polished than usual, there are repeat words in some paragraphs (the horror!) Loved finding out about what happened to his name. If you can recall the challenge numbers of your other Einhorn/ Xavier/ Ehrich stuff, I'd like to read it. Things I particularly liked was the interplay between the characters, the magic system and theory (peer reviewed!) and the ending was cool. The style was really entertaining too, and the line about wondering if 'such an act was, in fact, within his power' was funny.
Cyan - Oblivion City Limits. This was really great, it was difficult to choose top place. I love how smooth your writing is to read. The conversation between Licia and Damon was great, and the way she grew. It was a very satisfying story. The problem that stuck out for me was the magic, how 'easy' it was. I thought maybe her using it on the torch would mean there was none left for the car, but she just kept using and using it. Also that bit about the soul was just brushed over... it all seemed a little too easy for her, after her fear (and if you can exchange fear for spells, well, why hasn't everyone??) her strength of will maybe came a little unannounced (I'm nitpicking here).
FlowersisBritish - Sneaking out for a Cigarette. There was a whole paragraph in this I just didn't get at all, and a few sentences left me puzzled. But I just love your imagery and descriptions, the broken porcelain ballerina for example, the 'cool night air filtered through a layer of oak and pines'. Just great. But I should say I don't really know what was going on, was she having an abortion or getting married or robbing a bank, I don't know lol. But so evocative, second read I just went with it and really felt there.
Parmadillo Marshmallow - The Migration. I did read this shortly after you posted it, but couldn't really think of any useful critique, I really liked it. I mention it because I don't as a rule read entries before I've written my own, and the fact some of my story echoes a few bits of yours is one reason why. It certainly wasn't deliberate and I'm sorry. I really liked the situation you set up, I want to know what happens. I think maybe the story could be tightened up a bit, and the bird society made a bit clearer.
RoyaleDuke - The Cost of Normality. I liked this a fair bit, your descriptions are pretty great and visceral. I haven't read any Lovecraft (yet) but it strikes me as that kind of thing. The main issue I had was that several things were said to be indescribable and were subsequently described, and at least twice it was like 'it was indescribable, it could only be described as...' which once, maybe can be allowed for effect. Twice was too much for me. I liked the opening line a lot, it certainly demanded attention.
Tangent - The Power of Suggestion. I enjoyed this, it was a good idea and for the most part pulled me along. There were a few parts that seemed redundant, like you were going to work them into something but didn't (or I missed it) I'm thinking of Chatterjee's reactions to Warren, and also Cozza. The little details like Chatterjee's family, Chiu's bravado/ timidity were great.
Problem Attic - Transition. I like the idea for this, a lot of great psychological stuff can happen in this kind of thing. I thought the opening was a bit slow, with the breathing then the room description. I wasn't convinced by the caretaker, he seemed a bit wishy-washy for someone who'd help untold billions through the process. But even considering I wasn't really drawn into Nathan's concerns at all, the transition in the last quarter or so was good.
Spacejaws - The Wall in Oblivion. I really liked the Wall, it was a great idea. And I liked the ending, in the kitchen/ room. I thought the journey through space was too long and vague though. Maybe more conflict in the space journey, more about the Wall and more in the kitchen at the end and his reaction to it all would have balanced it out for me.
Freeza Under the Shower - The Living. Well it was good to finally read something of yours! This was too brief to get very much from, but I did think it might be about zombies before I was told, so there is that. Nice descriptive writing. At first I thought you were writing from the zombie pov but it appears not? So perhaps it needn't have been so... fractured/ hallucinatory (or dehumanised as you say) as it's quite a challenge as an opener.
2. Cyan
3. Flowers
Vague comments:
Mike M - The Distance Between. Einhorn :3 Yeah this was a little less polished than usual, there are repeat words in some paragraphs (the horror!) Loved finding out about what happened to his name. If you can recall the challenge numbers of your other Einhorn/ Xavier/ Ehrich stuff, I'd like to read it. Things I particularly liked was the interplay between the characters, the magic system and theory (peer reviewed!) and the ending was cool. The style was really entertaining too, and the line about wondering if 'such an act was, in fact, within his power' was funny.
Cyan - Oblivion City Limits. This was really great, it was difficult to choose top place. I love how smooth your writing is to read. The conversation between Licia and Damon was great, and the way she grew. It was a very satisfying story. The problem that stuck out for me was the magic, how 'easy' it was. I thought maybe her using it on the torch would mean there was none left for the car, but she just kept using and using it. Also that bit about the soul was just brushed over... it all seemed a little too easy for her, after her fear (and if you can exchange fear for spells, well, why hasn't everyone??) her strength of will maybe came a little unannounced (I'm nitpicking here).
FlowersisBritish - Sneaking out for a Cigarette. There was a whole paragraph in this I just didn't get at all, and a few sentences left me puzzled. But I just love your imagery and descriptions, the broken porcelain ballerina for example, the 'cool night air filtered through a layer of oak and pines'. Just great. But I should say I don't really know what was going on, was she having an abortion or getting married or robbing a bank, I don't know lol. But so evocative, second read I just went with it and really felt there.
Parmadillo Marshmallow - The Migration. I did read this shortly after you posted it, but couldn't really think of any useful critique, I really liked it. I mention it because I don't as a rule read entries before I've written my own, and the fact some of my story echoes a few bits of yours is one reason why. It certainly wasn't deliberate and I'm sorry. I really liked the situation you set up, I want to know what happens. I think maybe the story could be tightened up a bit, and the bird society made a bit clearer.
RoyaleDuke - The Cost of Normality. I liked this a fair bit, your descriptions are pretty great and visceral. I haven't read any Lovecraft (yet) but it strikes me as that kind of thing. The main issue I had was that several things were said to be indescribable and were subsequently described, and at least twice it was like 'it was indescribable, it could only be described as...' which once, maybe can be allowed for effect. Twice was too much for me. I liked the opening line a lot, it certainly demanded attention.
Tangent - The Power of Suggestion. I enjoyed this, it was a good idea and for the most part pulled me along. There were a few parts that seemed redundant, like you were going to work them into something but didn't (or I missed it) I'm thinking of Chatterjee's reactions to Warren, and also Cozza. The little details like Chatterjee's family, Chiu's bravado/ timidity were great.
Problem Attic - Transition. I like the idea for this, a lot of great psychological stuff can happen in this kind of thing. I thought the opening was a bit slow, with the breathing then the room description. I wasn't convinced by the caretaker, he seemed a bit wishy-washy for someone who'd help untold billions through the process. But even considering I wasn't really drawn into Nathan's concerns at all, the transition in the last quarter or so was good.
Spacejaws - The Wall in Oblivion. I really liked the Wall, it was a great idea. And I liked the ending, in the kitchen/ room. I thought the journey through space was too long and vague though. Maybe more conflict in the space journey, more about the Wall and more in the kitchen at the end and his reaction to it all would have balanced it out for me.
Freeza Under the Shower - The Living. Well it was good to finally read something of yours! This was too brief to get very much from, but I did think it might be about zombies before I was told, so there is that. Nice descriptive writing. At first I thought you were writing from the zombie pov but it appears not? So perhaps it needn't have been so... fractured/ hallucinatory (or dehumanised as you say) as it's quite a challenge as an opener.
Had the weirdest (and oddly specific) dream that I somehow missed voting this week and that by the time I remembered there was already a new thread up by someone with a Mega Man avatar…
Votes:
1. mu cephei
2. Cyan
3. Problem Attic
- Parmadillo Marshmallow: In brutal honesty, there wasn’t a lot that I found to be particularly egregious about this piece, just a laundry list of minor things such as writing out numbers (“two” instead of “2”
and places where I’d put a comma. Given that this is the first chapter, there’s not much I can get into about structure, conflict, resolution, etc., but even in this little snippet I don’t think you’re well served by the flashback structure. The trip over the mountains is apparently the inciting incident, and the three preceding paragraphs don’t impart anything that couldn’t be incorporated elsewhere (and in some cases it already is). There’s some telling instead of showing regarding the lack of food and disappearance of humans that feels a bit clunky when it’s laid out all up front like that. I’m personally kind of intrigued as to find out what’s going on with the humans, as we’re not exactly wont to abandoning settlements as described here. Flying over mountains and back in the space of single night seems to be pushing it for a bird’s ability (I have it in mind that these are corvids)? The dialogue didn’t sound the most natural in the world to me, probably because of the frequency at which they called each other by name. I almost never here people refer to someone by their name when they’re speaking with them. - Spacejaws: Hey, we’ve all got to start somewhere, don't’ we? There was a lot of interesting imagery in this one, and the wall in particular called into mind the Serpent of Midgar. If there was any other Norse influence or symbolism, though, I missed it. Some of the larger paragraphs put some drag on the pacing and could afford to tightened up or broken up into smaller ones, and in particular the portion between the arrival on the planet and the arrival on the planet seems super slow after buzzing through the cosmos at superlight speeds. It’s just really heavy on description without much motion or action. I felt curiously dissatisfied with the ending, perhaps because “it was all a drug trip” is only a difference of degree rather than kind from “it was all a dream.” But honestly I can’t think of a way that I would have rathered seen it end, so I guess there’s just no pleasing me.
- Ashes: Hey, I kind of understand some of that!
- Freeza Under the Shower: In a world overrun with zombie media, I thought it was impressive that your description of them as flesh instead of bodies, corpses, the dead (well, until the very end of that bit) was something that I hadn’t seen previously. Framing the survivors as invaders in a world owned by zombies was a unique take too, even if the end result was still going to be a zombie apocalypse story. I like the idea you mentioned in your post about the last journal article explaining the forthcoming end of the world, you should definitely do that before someone beats you to the punch.
- Mike M: In a world full of “meh,” here comes some more “meh.” I only got one revision in on this. Maybe with some more I could have smoothed things out a little bit, or with a larger word count I could have eased the transition between scenes a little better. For those wondering if the names are familiar for some reason, Harold and Einhorn are two recurring characters you’ve probably seen before, though they’ve never been in the same story (hell, the same time period) before. Harold is from Harold Ehrich Enlists the Help of Walter Geist, Harold Ehrich Advises Walter Geist, and Harold Ehrich Assists Diane Parr. Einhorn’s first unnamed appearance was Hexenjager, followed by Namenlos. He’s also the protagonist of a book of mine that is in revision purgatory.
- Tangent: See, when I think “Oblivion,” I think “Wraith: The Oblivion,” which was a favorite pen and paper RPG game of mine in high school. But all my friends ever wanted to play was Vampire : ( I liked the premise here of a cologne company engaging with new levels of subliminal messaging to generate sales, but the buildup and resolution felt out of whack to me. We got that Chatterjee thought something was weird with the commercials, but there was never anything that built a link in my mind between “commercials make Chatterjee feel weird” and “sales are up” until it was pretty much explicitly laid out almost at the very end. Well, I guess there was the title too, but I kind of glazed over that apparently. It’s a good story idea that could probably support something a lot longer than this.
- RoyaleDuke: I will make allowances that it’s possible that the place would have actually been called “Ralphs” instead of “Ralph’s” (I know there are instances of establishments and companies having a possessive name but no apostrophe, though I can’t think of any off the top of my head), but man does it read weird every time I see it. But even putting that aside, just going through the first paragraph has several errors that you probably could have caught with a revision pass. I certainly didn’t see this getting all Lovecraftian eldritch horror on us so quickly out of the gate, and then it quickly turned into some mashup of that, H.R. Giger artwork, and Hellraiser before taking a run through some Jacob’s Ladder-esque territory. “Guy takes random trip through the underpinnings of reality while sitting in a coffee shop” is a little bit weird, however. Maybe it could have used something like the near final scene of Stranger Things just to drive home the point that things are not actually OK? Idunno.
- Problem Attic: Heh, my fallback story idea was something marginally similar to this. I had difficulties following the rules of this scenario. The man in black doesn’t know what’s in the afterlife? Then who assigned him this position? Does he not go into the afterlife himself when he goes out the same door that Nathan eventually goes out? What point does he serve in helping people forget their past and move past their lives if the newly dead’s memories eventually erode away to nothingness and they go out the door anyway? Is it supposed to be that by appearing to leave the room, the man in black has done as he was supposed to in assisting Nathan in walking through the door with absolute fulfillment? The conflict would appear to be between Nathan and the man in black, but their time on page together is mostly the man explaining the situation to Nathan before putting up the most anemic of fights and leaving the story for good, and without ever knowing what lies beyond the door or what happened in Nathan’s life, the stakes are undefined. I don’t even get to empathize with his loss of his memories because we never knew what they were.
- FlowerisBritish: There were lots of good descriptions and similes in this, but I almost wonder if less would have been more as they came in pretty rapid succession. In particular, there was a run of things that could cut or rip around the mention of her stomach, which seemed a little on the nose as far as symbolism goes given the subject matter of the piece. There was a fairly good feel for the characters given the brevity and the lack of dialogue from the father, but I’m not sure what the conflict is here. This all seems like expository stuff prior to the conflict being introduced at the clinic or something.
- Cyan: I’m slightly muddled on Licia’s motivations here. At first blush it’s easy to think that she was intentionally ignoring Damon’s calls to pull over so that she could enter Oblivion and, presumably, learn some magic. But then it was Damon’s bad navigating that had put them on that road to begin with, so it doesn’t seem like that’s what she started out to do. And the magic she learns, while apparently used to repair her relationship with Damon (or just repair Damon, as it was) among other things, was derivative of the fact that she had crashed the car and needed to fix it, so it’s not like she planned on going to Oblivion to learn something to do that. Also unclear about what was so bad about going into Oblivion that Damon felt it would be better to try and grab the wheel from her while she’s driving. But outside of maybe imparting a little clarity of thought processes in the characters, I really enjoyed this one.
- mu cephei: I’m surprised the lamb would only be dead “soon” instead of “now” when its insides are on the outside. I think my absolute favorite thing about this one that sets it apart from other mutant wasteland stuff was the fact that rot, decay, and maggots all seem to happen at an accelerated rate. The fact that not only is the world twisted and dying but overrun with carrion insects that don’t seem to particularly care if you’re not dead yet went a long way toward giving this a unique vibe. The ending was a real gut punch too, I loved this thing.
Votes:
1. mu cephei
2. Cyan
3. Problem Attic
Parmadillo Marshmallow
Member
1. Mike M - The Distance Between
2. FlowersisBritish - Sneaking out for a Cigarette
3. Cyan - Oblivion City Limits
Parmadillo Marshmellow - The Migration (chapter 1)
This was my entry, thank you for the feedback! This was my first attempt in over 25 years, so it felt good just to get something down. Yes, the characters are crows. I tried to make it mysterious and give the characters distinct personalities.
Spacejaws - The Wall in Oblivion
I didn't understand this or the one below at all. Sorry!
Freeza Under the Shower - The Living
See above.
Mike M - The Distance Between
My favorite. I loved the formal-sounding dialog. Very European, at least to my California ears! And I really liked the ending. What a great concept. Well written too. Great job!
Tangent - The Power of Suggestion
I had a hard time following the changing tenses, and I didn't connect the naming of the product with the hypnotic suggestions. Just didn't catch my interest.
RoyalDuke - The Cost of Normality
First thing I noticed was the frequent flipping between first and third person. That really threw me off. Lots of grotesque imagery, but I didn't feel like there was much, if any, plot. Just some guy randomly falls into a hallucination in a diner, then comes out of it.
Problem Attic - Transition
It was between this one and Cyan for third place. The setup didn't grab me, but I'm glad I persisted, because the payoff was great. The idea of letting go of all identity before slipping into the void is central to all existence. Great concept, though a bit of a slow start for my tastes.
FlowersisBritish - Sneaking out for a Cigarette
This one has some great symbolism and is what I would call a "touching vignette" of a father and daughter. Very well done. Could easily be developed into much more.
Cyan - Oblivion City Limits
Wow, the transitions in this story happen at lightning speed! I almost wrote it off as too cartoony, but in the end I gave it the nod for 3rd place because the idea of "will and resolve" is very important to me. The story was a nice little reminder of just how powerful those concepts can be, especially as we learn more about quantum mechanics and the power of the mind. In the end I liked this one a lot.
Mu Cephei - Blight
I liked the world-building and imagery here, but the plot felt thin and I didn't really care about the characters. Very bleak setting, ripe for expansion.
2. FlowersisBritish - Sneaking out for a Cigarette
3. Cyan - Oblivion City Limits
Parmadillo Marshmellow - The Migration (chapter 1)
This was my entry, thank you for the feedback! This was my first attempt in over 25 years, so it felt good just to get something down. Yes, the characters are crows. I tried to make it mysterious and give the characters distinct personalities.
Spacejaws - The Wall in Oblivion
I didn't understand this or the one below at all. Sorry!
Freeza Under the Shower - The Living
See above.
Mike M - The Distance Between
My favorite. I loved the formal-sounding dialog. Very European, at least to my California ears! And I really liked the ending. What a great concept. Well written too. Great job!
Tangent - The Power of Suggestion
I had a hard time following the changing tenses, and I didn't connect the naming of the product with the hypnotic suggestions. Just didn't catch my interest.
RoyalDuke - The Cost of Normality
First thing I noticed was the frequent flipping between first and third person. That really threw me off. Lots of grotesque imagery, but I didn't feel like there was much, if any, plot. Just some guy randomly falls into a hallucination in a diner, then comes out of it.
Problem Attic - Transition
It was between this one and Cyan for third place. The setup didn't grab me, but I'm glad I persisted, because the payoff was great. The idea of letting go of all identity before slipping into the void is central to all existence. Great concept, though a bit of a slow start for my tastes.
FlowersisBritish - Sneaking out for a Cigarette
This one has some great symbolism and is what I would call a "touching vignette" of a father and daughter. Very well done. Could easily be developed into much more.
Cyan - Oblivion City Limits
Wow, the transitions in this story happen at lightning speed! I almost wrote it off as too cartoony, but in the end I gave it the nod for 3rd place because the idea of "will and resolve" is very important to me. The story was a nice little reminder of just how powerful those concepts can be, especially as we learn more about quantum mechanics and the power of the mind. In the end I liked this one a lot.
Mu Cephei - Blight
I liked the world-building and imagery here, but the plot felt thin and I didn't really care about the characters. Very bleak setting, ripe for expansion.
Problem Attic
Member
Good round everyone, thanks for participating!
1 Mu Cephei Blight
2 Cyan Oblivion City Limits
3 FlowersisBritish Sneaking out for a Cigarette
Parmadillo Marshmellow Migration I understand this is a small piece of something much bigger, and you have a nice flow to this story, but it was hard to understand what was going on. I think by the end, I figured out your characters are birds of some kind though it took a lot of work to get there. As far as writing goes, some of sentences are choppy and you write in a straightforward manner to express emotion, e.g., you talk about characters feeling sick but dont express what that sickness looks like. I couldnt tell if you were hiding the bird aspect or if you were just trying to move the plot along, but I think you missed some opportunities with that. Overall though, I think you have a really interesting idea that I would certainly read more about. Keep at it.
Spacejaws Wall of Oblivion First person is really hard to write in unless your shit is totally covered. Subject-verb agreement is paramount in writing and when a story flips back and forth, like this one does, it gets really hard for the reader to get in rhythm. Another thing, run-ons can be stylistically applied and used quite effectively, but there are a lot of sentences where you are missing punctuation and this affected the rhythm as well. Now thats out of the way, I really hope you had fun writing this, because it certainly was creative. The ending wasnt my favorite, but there were a lot of genuine moments in this story with some really vivid details. Id recommend you research some technical aspects of writing, edit everything as many times as you can (or ask someone to look it over for you, Im sure someone in this group would happily oblige when he or she can), and take every idea you have and just start writing. Is like to read more of what you have to say.
Ashes main.txt Im more of a JavaScript guy so this was quite a letdown. I hope you bounce back next time.
Freeza Under the Shower The Living okay, so the whole subject thing You know what you did and I think it just held you up from moving forward, but sentence diagraming would probably be super helpful in this case (you take a pronoun from one sentence and trace it back to the subject in the previous sentence because they should refer to the same thing. If they dont, then the reader probably wont know what you are talking about). I think your other big hurdle is that the zombie thing has been done to death recently and its a hard topic to make your own, especially in limited space. I think a scientific journal entry or a newspaper article wouldve been a neat take on the subject, but you are really shooting from the hip when you try something like that and could easily find yourself in the same position you were in when you started. All that said, there is still feeling in what you wrote, so if anything else, hold on to your ability to create that.
Mike M Distance Between I really liked the idea and the set up was really great, but the payoff was missing a few details to tie it into the rest of your story. A couple of sentences couldve used a secondary glance. I really enjoyed the importance of a name in this story though. Also, I really appreciate your confidence where you can pull a name out of nowhere (be it a town or a book) and make it flow, Ive noticed that in a few of your stories and I think those are references where a reader will stop to think about it usually; your application of context is a nice, subtle touch.
Tangent Power of Suggestion I really liked the concept, but the conflict was lacking. I liked how you built up the product and the character, but I think some more elements of how it became addictive wouldve worked really well, with maybe references to withdrawal type symptoms in users, or showing the MC struggling with the morality of the produce versus his fame and fortune.
RoyalDuke I think horror is really hard to write because you have to play on the feeling of your audience. You certainly describe some terrible things, but it didnt really translate on an emotional level. Sometime using phrases like seemed to are more of a disservice instead of just going for an actual description. This guy saw something really bad and what we are getting from his point of view needs to be more certain and maybe he needed to be more impacted by it. Also, this couldve used another editorial review as there were a couple of technical issues.
Problem Attic Transition Boy, I really hate the Asshat that limited this thing to 2100 words. I needed more space to get where it was going. I really wanted to build up the guy sits with only his own thoughts, for all eternity until he breaks down and can eventually move on thing, but I just couldnt hammer it all out in limited space. I really like the idea though, and may have to take this one back to the drawing board.
FlowersisBritish Sneaking out for a Cigarette I thought this was a nice story, not saying too much, but the point still gets across nicely. I think there couldve been some more development between the two characters but a father-daughter relationship is pretty well understood in the context.
Cyan Oblivion City Limits Sometimes its really hard to combine real life elements with magic, because your audience doesnt know the rules. I was confused at first, because your characters know of magic, but what does that mean to me the reader except as a firing mechanism for the conflict, but the ending was really nice and tied it all together very well.
Mu Cephei Blight I never thought 2,000 words would seem lengthy, but here we are. You got a lot out of every sentence which was really impressive. This is an interesting story, because of the details you put in it are very off-putting that its hard to say this was an enjoyable read, but thats by design and it was very well written.
1 Mu Cephei Blight
2 Cyan Oblivion City Limits
3 FlowersisBritish Sneaking out for a Cigarette
Parmadillo Marshmellow Migration I understand this is a small piece of something much bigger, and you have a nice flow to this story, but it was hard to understand what was going on. I think by the end, I figured out your characters are birds of some kind though it took a lot of work to get there. As far as writing goes, some of sentences are choppy and you write in a straightforward manner to express emotion, e.g., you talk about characters feeling sick but dont express what that sickness looks like. I couldnt tell if you were hiding the bird aspect or if you were just trying to move the plot along, but I think you missed some opportunities with that. Overall though, I think you have a really interesting idea that I would certainly read more about. Keep at it.
Spacejaws Wall of Oblivion First person is really hard to write in unless your shit is totally covered. Subject-verb agreement is paramount in writing and when a story flips back and forth, like this one does, it gets really hard for the reader to get in rhythm. Another thing, run-ons can be stylistically applied and used quite effectively, but there are a lot of sentences where you are missing punctuation and this affected the rhythm as well. Now thats out of the way, I really hope you had fun writing this, because it certainly was creative. The ending wasnt my favorite, but there were a lot of genuine moments in this story with some really vivid details. Id recommend you research some technical aspects of writing, edit everything as many times as you can (or ask someone to look it over for you, Im sure someone in this group would happily oblige when he or she can), and take every idea you have and just start writing. Is like to read more of what you have to say.
Ashes main.txt Im more of a JavaScript guy so this was quite a letdown. I hope you bounce back next time.
Freeza Under the Shower The Living okay, so the whole subject thing You know what you did and I think it just held you up from moving forward, but sentence diagraming would probably be super helpful in this case (you take a pronoun from one sentence and trace it back to the subject in the previous sentence because they should refer to the same thing. If they dont, then the reader probably wont know what you are talking about). I think your other big hurdle is that the zombie thing has been done to death recently and its a hard topic to make your own, especially in limited space. I think a scientific journal entry or a newspaper article wouldve been a neat take on the subject, but you are really shooting from the hip when you try something like that and could easily find yourself in the same position you were in when you started. All that said, there is still feeling in what you wrote, so if anything else, hold on to your ability to create that.
Mike M Distance Between I really liked the idea and the set up was really great, but the payoff was missing a few details to tie it into the rest of your story. A couple of sentences couldve used a secondary glance. I really enjoyed the importance of a name in this story though. Also, I really appreciate your confidence where you can pull a name out of nowhere (be it a town or a book) and make it flow, Ive noticed that in a few of your stories and I think those are references where a reader will stop to think about it usually; your application of context is a nice, subtle touch.
Tangent Power of Suggestion I really liked the concept, but the conflict was lacking. I liked how you built up the product and the character, but I think some more elements of how it became addictive wouldve worked really well, with maybe references to withdrawal type symptoms in users, or showing the MC struggling with the morality of the produce versus his fame and fortune.
RoyalDuke I think horror is really hard to write because you have to play on the feeling of your audience. You certainly describe some terrible things, but it didnt really translate on an emotional level. Sometime using phrases like seemed to are more of a disservice instead of just going for an actual description. This guy saw something really bad and what we are getting from his point of view needs to be more certain and maybe he needed to be more impacted by it. Also, this couldve used another editorial review as there were a couple of technical issues.
Problem Attic Transition Boy, I really hate the Asshat that limited this thing to 2100 words. I needed more space to get where it was going. I really wanted to build up the guy sits with only his own thoughts, for all eternity until he breaks down and can eventually move on thing, but I just couldnt hammer it all out in limited space. I really like the idea though, and may have to take this one back to the drawing board.
FlowersisBritish Sneaking out for a Cigarette I thought this was a nice story, not saying too much, but the point still gets across nicely. I think there couldve been some more development between the two characters but a father-daughter relationship is pretty well understood in the context.
Cyan Oblivion City Limits Sometimes its really hard to combine real life elements with magic, because your audience doesnt know the rules. I was confused at first, because your characters know of magic, but what does that mean to me the reader except as a firing mechanism for the conflict, but the ending was really nice and tied it all together very well.
Mu Cephei Blight I never thought 2,000 words would seem lengthy, but here we are. You got a lot out of every sentence which was really impressive. This is an interesting story, because of the details you put in it are very off-putting that its hard to say this was an enjoyable read, but thats by design and it was very well written.
Spacejaws
Member
Some quick comments, my internet is struggling on a ship in the middle of a hurricane but I'll try. Mostly short and sweet.
1 Sneaking Out for a Cigarette - FlowersisBritish
2 Oblivion City Limits - Cyan
3 Mike M - Distance Between
Parmadillo Marshmellow Migration Intriguing setup and the dialogue felt natural, the names not so much, for a short piece all the new and unique names miffed me, maybe would not be an issue if it were a longer story. Beside that probably the easiest read out of the lot and I think you deserve some real kudos for that, the scenario to me feels it has been visited many times before(the young disobeying elders. Getting simba/nala flashbacks) but at least had enough spin on it that i would be interested to follow it further.
Spacejaws Thanks for the feedback! I wrote this in a rush on my phone and the one reread I gutted it and knew I would again, for some reason I thought I scratched the deadline. :/ Aim was to try to describe a cerebal journey inspired by 2001 also listening to alot of Ayreon - The Human Equation. I wanted to try and make something peaceful that ramped intensity quickly but I feel it just starts to ramble. Quite obvious that the end is based on a real trip by younger me but I did want the story to seem like a serious battle in the mind and returning to normal was a victory rather than a mundane 'it was all a dream'. Thanks for reading though!
Ashes main.txt 6/10.
Freeza Under the Shower The Living - I feel left short changed by this one. Like I was dropped in Act 2. What it is can be built on but not enough content there yet for me to have a real opinion lne way or the other.
Mike M Distance Between - I feel like you went an extra mile researching your characters motives which gave the text a bit of purpose. Not at first, I'm reading these fast and the initially dialogue went over my head but by the end I think you have something neatly self contained with interesting and well written dialogue from two characters who bounce off each other well. Really enjoyed it.
Tangent Power of Suggestion - Started off well but I found it hard to keep with. The idea of hypnotic suggestion being introduced into advertising is pretty novel though and I think there are other ways you could approach it.
RoyalDuke - Cost of Normality - I like wierd and visceral journeys but this got a bit much. From the start of the text I think I was expecting more from the end. Very vivid images though, if ye ken what I mean.
Problem Attic Transition - Another story thats a bit abstract with time and place. Was intrigued and ultimately payed off. I feel some of the dialogue feels a bit stilted and the pacing towards the end speeds up very quickly which is why I guess you feel the word limit was a hinderance. I think if you had more room at the end the 'transition' could have had more weight but altogether liked the scenario and found it easy to follow.
FlowersisBritish Sneaking out for a Cigarette You're little snapshot of this father/daughter relationship comes across as well written and structured delicately. Thought it was great, personally.
Cyan Oblivion City Limits - Most of the other stories have either a few bitsized characters or a very focused main character. Your story kinda personified all your characters really well, I had good mental images of them all. I liked how you handled the introduction to your 'magic' system. Not bogged down with detail and instead left mostly mysterious. Feels like a great introduction to a larger story.
Mu Cephei Blight I...never got to read it. I'm still trying to download ot but my internet is guff. If that disqualifies my votes then thats fine but I'll try snd get it tomorrow becaus it looks like you have some good reactions!
1 Sneaking Out for a Cigarette - FlowersisBritish
2 Oblivion City Limits - Cyan
3 Mike M - Distance Between
Parmadillo Marshmellow Migration Intriguing setup and the dialogue felt natural, the names not so much, for a short piece all the new and unique names miffed me, maybe would not be an issue if it were a longer story. Beside that probably the easiest read out of the lot and I think you deserve some real kudos for that, the scenario to me feels it has been visited many times before(the young disobeying elders. Getting simba/nala flashbacks) but at least had enough spin on it that i would be interested to follow it further.
Spacejaws Thanks for the feedback! I wrote this in a rush on my phone and the one reread I gutted it and knew I would again, for some reason I thought I scratched the deadline. :/ Aim was to try to describe a cerebal journey inspired by 2001 also listening to alot of Ayreon - The Human Equation. I wanted to try and make something peaceful that ramped intensity quickly but I feel it just starts to ramble. Quite obvious that the end is based on a real trip by younger me but I did want the story to seem like a serious battle in the mind and returning to normal was a victory rather than a mundane 'it was all a dream'. Thanks for reading though!
Ashes main.txt 6/10.
Freeza Under the Shower The Living - I feel left short changed by this one. Like I was dropped in Act 2. What it is can be built on but not enough content there yet for me to have a real opinion lne way or the other.
Mike M Distance Between - I feel like you went an extra mile researching your characters motives which gave the text a bit of purpose. Not at first, I'm reading these fast and the initially dialogue went over my head but by the end I think you have something neatly self contained with interesting and well written dialogue from two characters who bounce off each other well. Really enjoyed it.
Tangent Power of Suggestion - Started off well but I found it hard to keep with. The idea of hypnotic suggestion being introduced into advertising is pretty novel though and I think there are other ways you could approach it.
RoyalDuke - Cost of Normality - I like wierd and visceral journeys but this got a bit much. From the start of the text I think I was expecting more from the end. Very vivid images though, if ye ken what I mean.
Problem Attic Transition - Another story thats a bit abstract with time and place. Was intrigued and ultimately payed off. I feel some of the dialogue feels a bit stilted and the pacing towards the end speeds up very quickly which is why I guess you feel the word limit was a hinderance. I think if you had more room at the end the 'transition' could have had more weight but altogether liked the scenario and found it easy to follow.
FlowersisBritish Sneaking out for a Cigarette You're little snapshot of this father/daughter relationship comes across as well written and structured delicately. Thought it was great, personally.
Cyan Oblivion City Limits - Most of the other stories have either a few bitsized characters or a very focused main character. Your story kinda personified all your characters really well, I had good mental images of them all. I liked how you handled the introduction to your 'magic' system. Not bogged down with detail and instead left mostly mysterious. Feels like a great introduction to a larger story.
Mu Cephei Blight I...never got to read it. I'm still trying to download ot but my internet is guff. If that disqualifies my votes then thats fine but I'll try snd get it tomorrow becaus it looks like you have some good reactions!
1. Mu Cephei - "Blight" - Man this story gave me a sense of foreboding and then dawning hope and then horror. Love the unique feel of the sort of accelerated-decay dystopia. Really nicely done.
2. Mike M - "Distance Between " - Haha! Ok, I don't know how this would read without prior familiarity... but I do have prior familiarity, and come on, what's not to love about a surprise origin story? Also excellent use of theme and secondary. Weird niggle--Einhorn is a Frenchman?
3. FlowersisBritish - "Sneaking out for a Cigarette" - Some really damn evocative prose, but also felt incomplete. Like the idea is there but it's not fully unwrapped. Favorite bit: "back when boys only pretended to have getaway cars"
2. Mike M - "Distance Between " - Haha! Ok, I don't know how this would read without prior familiarity... but I do have prior familiarity, and come on, what's not to love about a surprise origin story? Also excellent use of theme and secondary. Weird niggle--Einhorn is a Frenchman?
3. FlowersisBritish - "Sneaking out for a Cigarette" - Some really damn evocative prose, but also felt incomplete. Like the idea is there but it's not fully unwrapped. Favorite bit: "back when boys only pretended to have getaway cars"
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Yeah, I'm not going to be able to finish this time around. Might have some critiques later, but don't count on it. To maybe guilt myself into it later, gonna talk a bit about my story, because there is a story behind it and I think maybe people can take some value from it.
So I got into an argument about Show Don't Tell with my roommate, and it essentially went, "I think it's overused advice, whenever I hear it, its not really being specific enough to help." And she said, "its great advice. You don't like it cause you do so much Tell and not enough Show!" and after some back and forth like that, I figured out what she meant essentially was she(and a great number of people I noticed) seem to not be able to get into a story without descriptions of characters/scene/ect ect. So I've been trying for more descriptions lately(cause even though I don't take criticism well in the moment, I do listen) and wanted to try and Tell as little as possible with a story. The idea was to make a story that was a confusing mess because you could never figure out what was going on, and from feedback it seemed to have backfired(So woot people liked the story, but also damn it?)
and I wanted to try and get all that across through subtext only. Seems like it worked for the most part(damn it). I was trying to emulate Hills Like White Elephants by Hemingway, which was also about abortion but in a very indirect way. While he went for subtle clues in the dialogue, I tried to use similes(I lean on them most whenever I think Show) and tried very hard to hint at the whole story without ever saying it.
Anyway, I brought this up because the whole thing turned into a really interesting writing exercise. I'd wholeheartedly recommend everyone to try and write a story in the vein of "Hill Like White Elephants" at least once. See how much you can hint at and how little you can actually say at the same time. For me, it became a test to see how much backstory I could include without actually Telling the backstory. For you? Who knows until you give it a try.
So I got into an argument about Show Don't Tell with my roommate, and it essentially went, "I think it's overused advice, whenever I hear it, its not really being specific enough to help." And she said, "its great advice. You don't like it cause you do so much Tell and not enough Show!" and after some back and forth like that, I figured out what she meant essentially was she(and a great number of people I noticed) seem to not be able to get into a story without descriptions of characters/scene/ect ect. So I've been trying for more descriptions lately(cause even though I don't take criticism well in the moment, I do listen) and wanted to try and Tell as little as possible with a story. The idea was to make a story that was a confusing mess because you could never figure out what was going on, and from feedback it seemed to have backfired(So woot people liked the story, but also damn it?)
The story is about an abortion. She had sex with a guy, but when he found out he ditched. Tomorrow is the day, and the whole family is tense.
Anyway, I brought this up because the whole thing turned into a really interesting writing exercise. I'd wholeheartedly recommend everyone to try and write a story in the vein of "Hill Like White Elephants" at least once. See how much you can hint at and how little you can actually say at the same time. For me, it became a test to see how much backstory I could include without actually Telling the backstory. For you? Who knows until you give it a try.
"Show don't tell" is well-meaning but overused advice. That doesn't mean you can't write a good story entirely in show (or entirely in tell). You can create a very strong effect that way! On the other hand, Flowers, I don't agree that you do too much tell generally. It's a matter of taste, but that's not something I've ever noticed about your stories--I'm more likely to notice cool imagery from you, and cool imagery is almost always show.
Of course, maybe it's all relative and everyone here does way too much tell so we just can't, well, tell.
Definitely agree on playing around with writing entirely in subtext. It's a great exercise. I've done it a couple times, though for dialogue rather than throughout the whole piece.
Of course, maybe it's all relative and everyone here does way too much tell so we just can't, well, tell.
Definitely agree on playing around with writing entirely in subtext. It's a great exercise. I've done it a couple times, though for dialogue rather than throughout the whole piece.
Problem Attic
Member
Not sure if we are done here since Freeza would be the only one left since the other two aren't going to finish. I have no issue waiting but the scores, as all over the place as they might seem, are currently as follows:
1 Mu Cephei - 9 (3)
2 Mike M - 9 (2)
3 Cyan - 9
4 FlowersisBritish - 8 (1)
5 Problem Attic - 1
I thought it was about a wedding (loss of innocence, etc., etc.) but I guess it sets the same tone.
1 Mu Cephei - 9 (3)
2 Mike M - 9 (2)
3 Cyan - 9
4 FlowersisBritish - 8 (1)
5 Problem Attic - 1
I thought it was about a wedding (loss of innocence, etc., etc.) but I guess it sets the same tone.
Wait, mu doesn't have a Mega Man avatar!
I actually put in a disproportionate amount of effort in coming up with some of that stuff. In this particular case, Atlantes was the name of an evil sorcerer in The Matter of France, which is sort of the French equivalent to the legends of King Arthur. In the story from the previous challenge, I made a reference to someone named Vendrix, who was a character in yet another story of mine.
Special bonus secret origin:
I actually put in a disproportionate amount of effort in coming up with some of that stuff. In this particular case, Atlantes was the name of an evil sorcerer in The Matter of France, which is sort of the French equivalent to the legends of King Arthur. In the story from the previous challenge, I made a reference to someone named Vendrix, who was a character in yet another story of mine.
I've got 5000 words of character background work for him that explains it more in depth, and it's addressed in passing in the book. The reader's digest version is that he's French, but his family emigrated to Bavaria just prior to the onset of the French Revolution, so he's actually lived in Bavaria for most of his life by this point.
Special bonus secret origin:
The ritual discussed in the story is the foundation of Harold's own later success in vesting a part of his soul in his cat to function as a catalyst for his magic.
!
I'm not sure I should get excited just yet...
For whoever wins though, I was thinking about the dates for challenges and Nano. The fortnightly thing would be Fri 14th Oct votes 17th Oct, then deadline Fri 28th Oct, votes 31st Oct, possibly a bit close to Nano for those doing it? Anyway in case I did win, I wanted to sound out the possibility of doing a 3-week no word limit challenge, with a week for reading? Or would the length lose its novelty right before Nano?
(I need to go out now, will be back later for final results!)
I'm not sure I should get excited just yet...
For whoever wins though, I was thinking about the dates for challenges and Nano. The fortnightly thing would be Fri 14th Oct votes 17th Oct, then deadline Fri 28th Oct, votes 31st Oct, possibly a bit close to Nano for those doing it? Anyway in case I did win, I wanted to sound out the possibility of doing a 3-week no word limit challenge, with a week for reading? Or would the length lose its novelty right before Nano?
(I need to go out now, will be back later for final results!)
Congrats, mu cephei!!! Well earned!
I vote against an unlimited word count. It could get pretty hairy and even with a week of reading, it might be cumbersome to read very long submissions. (Plus, I like to read my own fun novel for at least a few days a week!) In addition, I think a word count keeps people on their toes -- to choose their words wisely. However, the choice is entirely yours! Do what makes sense to you! I'm just chiming in since you asked for chimes.
I'm not sure what I think about a longer time to write.... it might just extend the brainstorming period and keep the procrastinated writing phase the same....?!
I vote against an unlimited word count. It could get pretty hairy and even with a week of reading, it might be cumbersome to read very long submissions. (Plus, I like to read my own fun novel for at least a few days a week!) In addition, I think a word count keeps people on their toes -- to choose their words wisely. However, the choice is entirely yours! Do what makes sense to you! I'm just chiming in since you asked for chimes.
I'm not sure what I think about a longer time to write.... it might just extend the brainstorming period and keep the procrastinated writing phase the same....?!
I would be out if it was too long. I'm planning to read 10+ novels for another challenge. Plus NaNoWriMo thread goes up a week early anyhow.
Grats mu! (Attic, up to you as the OP, but I'd suggest just cutting off here and letting the next one launch. I know I wouldn't want to be the tiebreaker vote in a case like this. )
For format, totally up to you! If this is out of concern about bumping up against NaNo... aw we'll probably be fine. Wouldn't be the first time we've run it close. If it's because you want to mix up the format a bit and mess around, sure, why not? I like that we have a pretty solid format we usually use, but it's also cool to branch out and try new things.
NaNo thread usually goes up well in advance. I think I usually do 2-3 weeks, so maybe even this weekend?
)For format, totally up to you! If this is out of concern about bumping up against NaNo... aw we'll probably be fine. Wouldn't be the first time we've run it close. If it's because you want to mix up the format a bit and mess around, sure, why not? I like that we have a pretty solid format we usually use, but it's also cool to branch out and try new things.
NaNo thread usually goes up well in advance. I think I usually do 2-3 weeks, so maybe even this weekend?
Problem Attic
Member
Alright, let's shut this thing down.
Everyone's a winner, but Mu Cephei is more of a winner, so congrats!
Everyone's a winner, but Mu Cephei is more of a winner, so congrats!
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