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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #45 - "Stormy Weather"

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Equus Bellator Apex - untitled - Brevity can be a strength and a weakness. "lump of flesh" damn, that's harsh.

ProudClod - "Empty" - Ha! I was about to write this one off, until the last line. Love the circular ending. Great stuff! As for the rest of the piece... I gather it was intentional, but the whole thing has a kind of lurching feel to it--unrhythmic stops and starts. Makes it a bit difficult to read; it's just not smooth. Also, I question describing something as "uninteresting." If it's so uninteresting, why bother describing it at all? Still, I like it, if only for the mysterious circularity that appears at the end.

ronito - "Cosmopolitan" - Lovely imagery. I tend to disagree with your assertion that if you think you aren't good enough to pull it off, you should just do the simple version... but the simple version was very effective here. Oddly, I felt that the word "like" took away slightly from your imagery. Elide it and I think the imagery would feel smoother. "It was a modern Monet painting..." etc.

ZephyrFate - "Myopia & Philautia" - Very nice. I still like "drudgy." :P Great imagery as usual, but I think you could do without the vagueness near the middle--specifically, where lightning "probably struck the ground somewhere/ ruined a playground set or something." Well, did it do it or not? The imagery otherwise is so specific that it stands out a bit. Actually, this would probably be fine just dropping the "or something." A bit later, "sometimes these walls feel like they're closing in" just didn't work for me. I've heard that one too many times, maybe. I like the circular ending.
 
Cyan said:
ronito - "Cosmopolitan" - Lovely imagery. I tend to disagree with your assertion that if you think you aren't good enough to pull it off, you should just do the simple version... but the simple version was very effective here. Oddly, I felt that the word "like" took away slightly from your imagery. Elide it and I think the imagery would feel smoother. "It was a modern Monet painting..." etc.
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This is very good feedback thanks!
 
Tim: Sorry vato, don't got much time. If I have some extra I'll read and comment. It's not like my comments are important anyway. Just wanted to let you know why I didn't comment.

Huggies: A little editing would help some awkward/wrong words (my faces). I like the similarity between the music and the rain that was clever. My only advice would be that it probably could've been half the size. Don't be afraid of making this short.

Aaron:
67o8rxd.jpg
Lulu's pregnant?! Interesting I felt a little lost at the end wondering what happened while the reader wasn't there. As always you did a great job of creating a world, but unless this was a vignette of a larger work (as I hope it is) you gave a lot of info to the user that they might not have needed. But it did add to the overall feel.

BakedMonkey: Great concept and good pacing, you didn't tell the readers more than they needed to know and kept moving forward though towards the middle you let up on the pacing and it slows. Watch out for exclamation points they tend to make things overly dramaitc!

Irish: What is it with first person perspective and this challenge? I hate to sound like a broken record, but I find it wordy the first paragraph probably could've been a sentence maybe two. You've gotten tons better about being verbose and have made a lot of progress. But this still stood out to me. Lovely concept, I think you could really reuse it and more of it. I found it intriguing.
 
hmm... how to vote....

1. John Dunbar - "The Shopkeeper" - hmm... cool read. I can't place where I saw or read something similar...
2. Irish - "Prism" - Flawed. Like others have said. But I liked the 'story' part.
3. I couldn't decide between the others: Cyan - "Curse" / bakemono - "Skinwalkers" were too close too call. But if one and the other is leading by the end of the votes, and I have to make a call, its going to be Cyan. Curse. Even though I think it should be shorter. Skinwalkers plot was a bit... obvious? :)

edit: I just thought I'd also mention:
Equus Bellator Apex - untitled

I actually really liked it. It was pretty good for what it was.
 
ronito said:
Gentlemen

ProudCloud: I get.What you you trying to do. By having doing it in. A jilted fashion. But. It didn't work. For me. Focus on efficiency. A lot of times you tell the reader something in one sentence and proceed to tell him something very similar in the next sentence. Also seems to take too long to get where he's going. It would've been cool if it started closer to the action. I like the wet asphalt line. Very evocative.
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In a linear story, I would tend to agree. The writing isn't very good, so it's hard to tell that it ISN'T a linear story. But since the jilted writing occurred at very specific instances (during perspective shifts), I don't think you actually got what I was trying to do.

I'm getting the same response from friends I send the story to. Because they assume I'm trying to be weirdly stylish with the paragraph breaks, they take the story at a very simple face value: guy guys to work and jumps out of his office window. This is only half of the story. I guess this is too complicated of a concept for me to tackle. I explained it in an earlier post, but in case you missed it: The paragraph breaks are not there for style. They indicate a switch in perspective. Our character goes to work one day, and decides to kill himself. As he steps off he has a vision of going to his office and looking down into the street. Just as he is about to hit the ground in "real time", he jumps out of the window in his "vision". As he's falling, he has a vision of going to his office and looking down into the street. This is presumed to repeat forever. The story begins a few hundred repetitions into the cycle, as he steps jumps out of his window.

tl;dr Basically, the short paragraphs are about him falling to his death, while the long paragraphs are about him going up to his office. The story is divided. The jilted paragraphs breaks are used to indicate these divisions.
 
ProudClod said:
In a linear story, I would tend to agree. The writing isn't very good, so it's hard to tell that it ISN'T a linear story. But since the jilted writing occurred at very specific instances (during perspective shifts), I don't think you actually got what I was trying to do.

I'm getting the same response from friends I send the story to. Because they assume I'm trying to be weirdly stylish with the paragraph breaks, they take the story at a very simple face value: guy guys to work and jumps out of his office window. This is only half of the story. I guess this is too complicated of a concept for me to tackle. I explained it in an earlier post, but in case you missed it: The paragraph breaks are not there for style. They indicate a switch in perspective. Our character goes to work one day, and decides to kill himself. As he steps off he has a vision of going to his office and looking down into the street. Just as he is about to hit the ground in "real time", he jumps out of the window in his "vision". As he's falling, he has a vision of going to his office and looking down into the street. This is presumed to repeat forever. The story begins a few hundred repetitions into the cycle, as he steps jumps out of his window.

tl;dr Basically, the short paragraphs are about him falling to his death, while the long paragraphs are about him going up to his office. The story is divided. The jilted paragraphs breaks are used to indicate these divisions.
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Ahhhh!
Let me change my feedback then

ProudClod: Never give your read too much credit. I might be one of them.
 
ronito said:
Ahhhh!
Let me change my feedback then

ProudClod: Never give your read too much credit. I might be one of them.
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Yeah, I understand. I also don't have the writing prowess to convey these ideas well enough to be simple, yet still somewhat interesting. But I guess that's the whole point of these things. I'm going to try something simpler next time :)
 
ProudClod - "Empty": I like the story-in-a-story thing you have going on here. It's clever. But what's the purpose? "He had some vague recollection of being unsatisfied; Unfulfilled [sic] and bored. But thatÂ’s all the memory his troubled mind would allot him. Cloudy memories of emptiness were the only ones that still remained." I understand the universality of existential despair that inspires most suicidal tendencies, but I think the story might work better if the character was more than an everyman.

Funky Functionality - "Statement": Decent twist. It seems like this guy is in a coma Life on Mars/Kill Bill-style, since a bullet to the head usually kills you immediately or, if you're lucky and it doesn't hit center, leaves you in a state of entropy. Maybe I'm taking too much from this, but it says something about the character that he could only got a glancing shot on his head at the last moment. Otherwise, changing character perspective in the middle of a chapter or passage can be jarring, especially without a line break and in one so short. Also, what you do well here is actually give your characters some character. More of that please.

ChubbyHuggs - "Lost in the Sound of Thunder": Nicely written - it certainly tugged my heartstrings a bit - but, ultimately, I didn't care that much about his death. Why? I didn't know him much, beyond the salary-man/family-man caricature.

Short note here: Jeez, you guys are a morbid bunch.

Aaron - "Rain is Going to Fall": Imaginative as usual. Some slips in prose, but otherwise a good read with a certain degree of insightful message (always knew Aaron was a tree-hugging commie).

bakemono - "Skinwalkers": Everything you set out to do was done right: the setting, the tension, the grotesque, the characterization, the climax. (However, don't substitute "right" for "as right as it could possibly be".) Well done. It's a story I wish I had written.

Irish - "Prism": I gave the story a second chance, and after dragging myself through that first paragraph, I did like it. There's a Hitchcock-like tilt in the way it presents the character's fears - which I felt could have gone further - but what was there was good, and the prose certainly develops well as it goes along.

crowphoenix - "New Family Friend": What can I say? A stimulating experience? ;)

Cyan - "Curse": Lovely use of stream of consciousness. You might have overused the em dash once or twice, though.


Votes:

1. Cyan
2. bakemono
3. crowphoenix

HMs: Aaron, Irish, ProudClod.
 
I really did like everything I read, but here's what I narrowed my vote down to:

1. Irish - Prism
2. Bakemono - Skinwalkers
3. Cyan - Curse
 
ronito said:
Tim: Sorry vato, don't got much time. If I have some extra I'll read and comment. It's not like my comments are important anyway. Just wanted to let you know why I didn't comment.
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No worries. I should probably note that I didn't comment on your poem - as well as ZephyrFate's one - because I'm probably the worst possible source for insightful commentary on poetry imaginable. I did like both of them, by the way.
 
1. ZephyrFate - "Myopia & Philautia"

I love reading poetry, and being absolutely awful at it myself, I'm always very impressed by anyone who can write it well. Great job.

2. Cyan - "Curse"

Loved the story, and a great ending.

3. bakemono - "Skinwalkers"

I just read H.P Lovecraft extensively for the first time about a week ago, and coudln't help being reminded of him while reading this story. Great atmosphere.
 
Funky Functionality - "Statement" - I like that Dylan looks at a picture and doesn't immediately tell us who it is and their whole history. Subtle implications are effective here. Actually, I like most of the second paragraph, besides its opening.

The structure is on the whole rather confusing. At least for this reader, what was intended didn't really come across. The first paragraph was strange and confusing to begin with, and made even less sense once I'd read the last paragraph. Shooting yourself in the head is pretty much insta-death, no? And if it's not for whatever reason, that really needs to be acknowledged/addressed in the text.

Finally, the unmarked POV switching takes me out of the story. Still, the piece has some really nice prose in it. The problems for me are mostly structural.

Tim the Wiz - "The Year Prince Died" - They rescue him just to ask a question about Prince? Ha. Cute.

Potential first chapter... well, that's exactly what it feels like. It might be a bit fast moving for a first chapter--might be better to expand just a little and end with him getting needled the second time.

I think some thought needs to be put into the setup. How did his cryo-thing wind up on Mars? And was it really laying in the middle of a junkyard? If so, how did it keep working so long? If these are meant to be questions that are answered later in the story, they should at least be raised, so the reader doesn't think you've just not thought of it. (also, if they got a second opinion from another history expert, why'd they need him in the first place)

A bunch of other stuff I could talk about, but I don't have a ton of time and would like to get to the other stories.

ChubbyHuggs - "Lost in the Sound of Thunder" - No offense meant--really!--but I have read this story before. Somebody in another challenge a while back did exactly the same thing--a description of a car crash, interspersed with song lyrics coming from the radio. It wasn't all that effective then, either.

Here's why: to you, the song lyrics set the mood. They evoke a feeling, an emotion, that matches with and amplifies what's going on in the story. To us (or at least, to me), there is no context to the lyrics--no music, no song. Without that context, the bare words have little power. They don't set the mood, they just interrupt the story for no good reason.

Ashes says that he wants you to go inside his mind and blow it apart. I think it can be even simpler than that. I want you to evoke an emotion in me.

A good first step in that direction would be to create a strong character who himself feels strong emotions.
 
Cyan said:
ChubbyHuggs - "Lost in the Sound of Thunder" - No offense meant--really!

A good first step in that direction would be to create a strong character who himself feels strong emotions.
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None taken, first time entering a contest, so I had to expect some feedback. I guess I'll just have to try something different for the next contest. :p

P.S. Thanks to everyone who gave feedback, it helps. :D
 
Aaron - "Rain is Going to Fall" - A few grammatical issues, mainly dropped words and tense switches. Early on, the sentence length and rhythm tends to stay the same for several sentences in a row, giving a kind of monotonous feel.

The story starts a paragraph too soon--I know you like to set the scene a little, but I think this piece would be better off grabbing the reader's attention right off with the "anti-sizzle suit" line. You can add the frying pan stuff back in a little later, if you like.

The voicing is a bit uneven, and the... dimension shift kind of comes out of nowhere. But on the whole, I like the piece. The setting is solid, and the ending really makes it (the water cooler strapped to his back... :lol).

bakemono - "Skinwalkers" - Great opening line. Really catches the attention. Should be a paragraph break before the bit about the cousin, though, as that's a subject change.

The middle is solid, though the reveal is a bit telegraphed by how unreasonably angry the 'father' gets. Might've worked better if the family acted normally for at least a little while.

A few grammatical errors/wording problems scattered throughout. Generally innocuous, though a few stood out. At the beginning "did not belong amongst us" s/b "among us." Stands out because the sentence is otherwise so good. Toward the end "There were shoutings" s/b "there was shouting." There were others, but those two jumped out.

The end... I love it! A 180-degree plot twist becomes a 360-degree plot twist. Awesome.

Irish - "Prism" - The dialogue in this piece comes off as stilted. Rule of thumb: read it aloud to yourself and see how it sounds when spoken.

The first two paragraphs are good, but probably not the right thing to open with. Too dense to allow the reader to get pulled into the story. They might be better a little later.

The man's fear/inability to leave is nicely set up, though I would've liked to see him try to solve the problem himself somehow rather than just waiting there until the people left. Maybe phone in a bomb threat or something? He's a little too passive for me to enjoy reading about him.

I think your writing is pretty good. Next step: stop making announcements about how you suck. :P It's a defense mechanism that you don't need.
 
Cyan said:
Tim the Wiz - "The Year Prince Died" - They rescue him just to ask a question about Prince? Ha. Cute.

Potential first chapter... well, that's exactly what it feels like. It might be a bit fast moving for a first chapter--might be better to expand just a little and end with him getting needled the second time.
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That's something to consider.

Cyan said:
I think some thought needs to be put into the setup. How did his cryo-thing wind up on Mars? And was it really laying in the middle of a junkyard? If so, how did it keep working so long? If these are meant to be questions that are answered later in the story, they should at least be raised, so the reader doesn't think you've just not thought of it. (also, if they got a second opinion from another history expert, why'd they need him in the first place)
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An explanation of how it kept working for so long could be dropped in there. And I thought the last issue did get answered, but maybe I should be more direct (history experts are normally expensive). As for the other issues, the question of who the protagonist really is and how he got there is essential to driving the main plot, if I ever actually follow up on this. But thanks for the crit and digging at my blind spots.
 
Equus Bellator Apex - Powerfully described scene, but it was just that to me. A scene.

ProudClod - The one liner sentences divide between the paragraphs/ scenes was interesting. I like the jagged rhythm it created. But as a story, it feels over when it began... which made reading it more of a going through the motion kind of thing.

ronito - Very pretty. I love the imagery. Vivid and colourful. The table, and the runny colours on the windows were incredible. Love it.

ZephyrFate - Really neat. The four by four that contains everything bit was a sinker, I loved how it contains everything else in the piece. Beautiful work.

Funky Functionality - Strong opening. The jump to Susan's pov was a little disorienting for me. I like the little details. His daughter's dancing shoes in his car, etc. Very nice.

Tim - I like the slightly-insane type of black humour you've got going in this piece. Sandra's lack of warmth was very effective. She's probably my favourite character. And Liam. And of course, B93. Well, that's almost about everyone :| I guess.

ChubbyHuggs - There is a similar kind of jagged rhythm to ProudClod's piece. One liner divisions between paragraphs. It can work, and I've seen it work but I did not feel it in your piece. It came across as something that tried too hard to be emotional and rhythmical. I liked the beginning. The descriptions were solid and you gave the character a suit to live in (his wife, the zune, forty years of tenure, etc).

Aaron - You always put so much in your stories, it makes them seem larger than they are. I really like that in your works. She cannot be rented out anymore because she's pregnant. The grandparents sold and liquidized. Brilliant. With very few hints, you created a world that feels incredibly different to our world today. The sudden office was cute. And the red stapler. But there's something in this one that felt a little lacking. Everything was cute but yet something felt very surface level with this piece. Superficial and thin. I dont know. I liked it, but not as much as others that you've written before.

Irish - Nice work, Irish. It made me feel all sorts of things. I really wanted him to overcome his fears. His phobia was nicely described and how he was powerless against it. The frustration of his wife came across palpably, too. Really neat. I enjoyed it very much.

AnkitT - For 'a simple plan' something came across very complicated through the piece. There are parts in the writing that could be made tighter. Vague economics of the company and throwaway descriptive parts felt more like filler than actual meat.

Ashes1396 - K's arc comes to a conclusion. I like the inner struggle within K and how he overcame his fears to drive his friends away to safety. The action bits were a little weak for me, and I could not really understand what was going on and I gave up and just let it go and followed the story. I have no idea how K managed to get out of his bind and return to his friends. I imagined some scuffling, and some button being pressed, and some wrenching of a vehicle's control. But that part can really be fleshed out better, I think.

John Dunbar - Made me laugh. There was heavy set up about the boat-renting part in the beginning, but I liked how it delivered how the renter was taking a piss out of his 'role' so liberally. It ties down nicely with the back story. The ending was great.

crowphoenix - Bill is sort of creepy. There were bits I zoned out at. The dialog was nicely done, and delivered well their characters and how they relate to each other.

Cyan - Reads very friendly and personal. Nice style of writing. I sort of have a strange deja vu when reading it, because I mentioned about a similar idea to a friend who's writing a set of dysfunctional superhero a few weeks ago. A character that travels with the weather following him, and that he can't help it. I really like the ending, very cute.

Votes:
1. Irish
2. ZephyrFate
3. Cyan
HM. Ronito, John Dunbar, Aaron

This round was hard to vote for. Lots of good stuff.
 
1) Zephyr
2) Cyan
3) Bakemono

Equus: I don't have much to say about this one. Dpressing

ProudClod: I like the circular nature of the story. However, there are a few times where the word choice becomes a bit repetitive. "He flew past the fourteenth floor. He got off on the fifteenth floor." While neither floor is actually needed (We can infer that), the second use really brakes the flow of your style.

Ronito: Wonderful imagrey. The poem really takes me back to my old poetry class, mostly because I can see the line my prof would have called you out on. "The view of the city was magical." There's no show in this line, and what it tells us is told better by the lines following it.

Zephyr: Dude, this one's beyond my ability to critique.

Funky: Dylan's backstory could have stood to be fleshed out a bit more. As it stands, I don't see what was different about him or his life from the average down on his luck Joe.

Chubby: Well writte, but I was confused as to how the main character wound up lost in the first place.

Aaron: The shift between worlds was a little jarring, especially as I expected one of the two to actually be insane. Once again, I applaud your ability to craft interesting worlds.

Bakemono: I would have liked more background information on the world, and why the Skinwalkers were so dangerous.

Irish: Was there anything different about that day or is the main character just unable to deal with rush hour?

Ankit: I felt that Aamir's waffling about the nature of reality didn't really add anything to the story.

Ashes: Bella's dialogue come off a bit unbelievable, and the ending had a bit more Deus ex Machina than I would have liked, but I did really enjoy the story. K has become a very interesting figure.

Dunbar: Interesting story. I would have liked a few more details here and there, but overall, really good story.

Cyan: Great story. Really enjoyed it.

bakemono said:
crowphoenix - Bill is sort of creepy. There were bits I zoned out at. The dialog was nicely done, and delivered well their characters and how they relate to each other.
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I actually had to rewrite the second half of the story, because Bill grew so creepy that the story just didn't work.

Tim: I will read yours, but I've got a splitting headache. So, if I don't get to it tonight, I will tomorrow.
 
@crow phoenix: I just wanted to add a little bit to what bakemono said. At one point, I felt, okay so this is erotic fiction. But than I worked/found out this was a prelude to a erotic story. Here, I was wondering how you would end it. It would have been nicer if it had maybe an alternative ending.
@tim: I'll start by saying you can't please everyone, and if you try to, you're only going to produce a watered down version of yourself. I say this because this story wasn't addressing me as an audience, hence why you shouldn't try to please me following my crit. As such I have tried to say more general things about piece.
So they got him out to verify the authenticity of prince. Is this supposed to be a comedy? Comedies are hard. good luck.
If its just a quirky story line, then I think the prose needs more punch, more verve.
#Wouldn't it be better to have speech marks in the first part? sometimes style works, but most times grammar would be better; and consider that your not really gaining much.
#and also consider this. Your start by telling the story from his perspective yet with their voices. I suppose it makes sense, but the scene could work better from a different perspective.
#The whole 'waking up from sleep thing' in the beginning has been done to death several times over. In films, short stories etc. opening on a cliché is not a good idea.
#personally, I would start at:

His tongue came unstuck, swimming in a paltry collection of saliva, allowing him to frame what felt like were his first words. "What happened?"

Except , deleting
# you set up the story in a way that helped us feel what the character was feeling but really, things like piquing our curiosity is more important. Needs more creativity.
# "Your family couldn't afford to feed another child," the young woman said, finishing hesitantly, as if reconsidering the impact of her words. "You're a stiff, been cryo'd for a long time. The idea was probably that if your family was rich enough to get you in a cryo at the time, they'd be rich enough to take care of you whenever death got beat by the scientists. Guess they were wrong."
Deliberate?
# There's more, but lets leave it here. You get the gist of what I trying to say. You are writing about a topic that's been done to death. So where do you find in the piece, something that says: listen to me, not the giants in the genre?
I realise that the prose itself was a quick effort, so that's okay. The piece showed confidence in your own abilities, so that is a plus. And though the environmental description was sparse, it was commendable.
I want to say again, that I knew from the start the kind of story this was. I think it would work better as live action rather then story but that's personal opinion rather than constructive criticism if I'm honest
 
crowphoenix said:
Chubby: Well written, but I was confused as to how the main character wound up lost in the first place.
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In all honesty, I had a different ending that I just put off adding. It was going to be he had, had a heart attack or a stroke on the way home. His car spun out of control and veered into the woods, on the way to his riverside home, so he really was flung from his car and the whole car ride had been part of his imagination as a passerby waited with him for an ambulance to show up. At the moment I couldn't think of a way to flesh it out and I submitted the first draft for some feedback... then I just didn't feel (laziness and procrastination) like adding it in.
 
AnkitT - "A Simple Plan" - Ah, PowerPoint presentations. I assume he's PPTing it, anyway.

I gotta be honest here... I know a little bit about business and investing, and none of this made much sense to me. From the company's problems that Aamir talks about to his big plan, I didn't really understand what was supposed to be going on. I don't know if this is because the plot itself doesn't make sense, or if it just wasn't communicated as intended, but either way I didn't get it.

Also, did he really kill everyone at the end? Yikes. Anyway, it was an interesting concept at heart. A seemingly innocuous employee craters the company and steals a bunch of money. And then does it again. Right on. It just needed either more thought put into the scheme, or a more clear explanation.

Ashes1396 - "Extant" - Hrm. Not sure I really understand what's going on here, even having read the previous parts. So sending everyone east was really to save them? Why hide that from the reader? It makes things unnecessarily confusing. The part with the alien vehicle being refueled didn't make a lot of sense to me either. I thought the problem was that the propellors weren't working?

Feel like I should say more, but I can't really think of anything. Huh. With this being the second in a row I didn't really get, maybe it's just me.

John Dunbar - "The Shopkeeper" - Heh. Fun. I like the shopkeeper's attempts to turn the guy away at the beginning. Makes for some funny dialogue. Though if we're in the man's POV, I'd have liked to see a little more wondering what the hell was up with the shopkeeper. What kind of shopkeeper, after all, tries to keep people from buying from him?

Like the ending, as well. Though the shopkeeper's tale was a bit much.

crowphoenix - "New Family Friend" - Haha. I actually really like this. The MC clearly has a goal in mind and pushes toward it ruthlessly. And the dialogue is sharp--especially the interplay between the two simultaneous conversations.

The only real problem I have is that it's a little too easy for him. His wife is into it from the start, I guess, and Amanda doesn't exactly put up a whole lot of resistance. I dunno, I'd like to see more of an obstacle for him to overcome.


Votes:
1. crowphoenix - "New Family Friend"
2. bakemono - "Skinwalkers"
3. Aaron - "Rain is Going to Fall"

HM: ProudClod - "Empty"; John Dunbar - "The Shopkeeper"


Side note: Man, it seems like I vote bakemono 1st or 2nd every week! Keep up the good work, dude.
 
Also: thanks everyone for all the comments/crits. Really nice to see so many good comments from everybody!

And I know mine are slightly schizo. My crits are much more thorough when my brain is functioning on all cylinders, and since I fit mine in when I have the time rather than doing them all at once, some are better than others. Just know that a less detailed crit is not a reflection on the quality of your story--it's not you, it's me. Eep, another em-dash!
 
Votes:

1- bakemono
2- crowphoenix
3- John Dunbar

Comments:

ProudClod - I feel the format gets in the way of the story you're trying to tell, almost as if it's leeching away its color and clarity.

ronito - 'like' feels odd in the context of a poem to me. Just go for the magical realism and make these things manifest.

ZephyrFate - while it's a nice poem, it feels too general to me. I'd rather read about a specific experience than something generalized like this.

Funky Functionality - It's hard to explain, but something about the overall pacing of your sentences seems off that makes the story feel choppy. I also wished you used more specific words, like 'chaotic flood of imagery' doesn't mean anything to me. In the first sentence, you say he felt the room moving... how was it moving? Was it spinning? Shifting? Wobbling? Veering? Get closer to the specific.

Tim the Wiz - Since this is a longer piece, I'll be a bit more critical. You don't hook me from the start. This cyro awakening is good to write out, but then you should go back and cut at least half of it out. It's meandering where it needs to be immediate. Second sin is diving right into exposition. The reader doesn't need to know this right away, what they need is setting, character, and other things to keep them reading. The reason he was thawed was interesting, but the story takes too long to get to it, and doesn't do enough with it when it gets there. Plus, you need a REALLY good reason to use the amnesia thing. It's been used so much it's groan-inducing.

ChubbyHuggs - Don't space out the song lyrics. Included them in the paragraphs to make them a part of the story instead of standing apart. Also, I wouldn't present the usual routine at the beginning because it really doesn't have any bearing on the story. It's about his experience in that moment. Cut anything that makes that less immediate.

bakemono - You should read Shadow over Innsmouth if you haven't already. I'm pretty sure you can find it free online. Lovecraft was a bit too prose happy, but he knew how to build tension through a narrator, which is the only real thing lacking from your story.

Irish - Might sound strange, but I would have liked it better if it was in third person. The story is about the narrator, but he's too close to himself. I think if you had an outside perspective, you could have a number of observations about him that would focus the story more.

AnkitT - At some point during the story you need to let the reader in on what's going on. It's best done in small stages than all at once, but really by the end I wasn't sure what happened and didn't feel any vested interest in what happened because of that.

Ashes1396 - Reads more like a script than prose. I don't feel as if you're really placing characters in a setting and giving them substance. It's a bit too vague. If I want to get picky, your sentence structure isn't varied enough, giving it a stilted pace.

John Dunbar - This story needs a narrative voice since it's something of a tall tale. The idea itself is good and the dialogue has the right flavor.

crowphoenix - It starts strong, though it ends up feeling like another episode of a post-Office sitcom. It could have benefited from stronger narration in the body of the story and not quite so much dialogue.

Cyan - It's a nice little story, but I think the narrator does more harm than good. I found his little narrative asides irritating, while putting it in third person would let the reader get closer to the events, and even bring a little more emotion to them.
 
Equus Bellator Apex - untitled : You know, I really like this little scene and wish you would have put it into a larger frame along with a few others. (Yes, I am confuseding. Yes, I just made one word out of two.)

ProudClod - "Empty" : I liked the repetition of the story. I could also tell that their was a definite degradation of the office area that could not be entirely attributed to the weather or effects of time. The perspective switch is something that rarely works out properly. Trust me, I know from experience. (I tried to tell a story about two people that ends in the middle and retells its timeline backwards from the other character's perspective.)

ronito - "Cosmopolitan" : I liked the imagery, but really felt you should have fleshed it out into the full deal.

ZephyrFate - "Myopia & Philautia" : For some strange reason, this read like someone was reading a list of detailed events that they'd already gone over a couple of dozen times and were leaving a ton out of it. (Pardon that insane sentence.)

Funky Functionality - "Statement" : I've read this story millions of times already. However, it is your first time and I can definitely see myself liking your future entries.

Tim the Wiz - "The Year Prince Died" : I had a good time reading through your story. You definitely set up your world well, but I think the characters definitely weren't as fleshed out as they could have been. A decent first chapter, but I think you should have taken it a little more slowly. The cryo-thing has also been done to death, so I think there could have been a better way to have a guy from the past be there.

ChubbyHuggs - "Lost in the Sound of Thunder" : I think you took your character in the wrong direction. The character described in the beginning of the story must have been recast or something. :P That caused a separation for me that really made the piece fall flat. Describing the music may have helped. (Classical was what I was feeling through the piece, but the lyrics in there really threw me off.)

Aaron - "Rain is Going to Fall" : That poor fellow never made it back home. No, he picked up a magazine or a picture and just got lost in it. Of course, he took of his helmet to get a better view of it. That's how I interpreted the story at least.

bakemono - "Skinwalkers" : I think this story could have gone a lot further if it was told in a more serious tone. As it was, it felt a little cartoony and lacked a lot of detail. That torso could have been creepy instead of a "lol" prop.

AnkitT - "A Simple Plan" : It seemed like a lot of important pieces were missing, however, I'm not sure what they could be. A little too empty for my tastes.

Ashes1396 - "Extant"

John Dunbar - "The Shopkeeper" : Felt like it was lacking detail and a "flow". I liked the concept, but the characters were missing "definition". Dialogue didn't feel right either. (Then again, I'm definitely no expert in this area.) Looking forward to more from you.

crowphoenix - "New Family Friend" : I liked it. The dialogue and detail in the setting definitely drew me in. One of my favorite pieces if not a little cliched.

Cyan - "Curse" : A great story. It felt a lot longer than it really was, but I loved every second of it. The narrator was great.

__________________________________________________________________________

VOTES:

1) Aaron - "Rain is Going to Fall"
2) Cyan - "Curse"
3) crowphoenix - "New Family Friend"

Honorable Mention: bakemono - "Skinwalkers"

__________________________________________________________________________


Cyan said:
Next step: stop making announcements about how you suck. :P It's a defense mechanism that you don't need.
Click to expand...

Hey, I'm just trying to be truthful. :P (I do the same thing when playing online with Gaming-GAF)

crowphoenix said:
Was there anything different about that day or is the main character just unable to deal with rush hour?
Click to expand...

Rush Hour. He's usually home before then, but there's been a couple of days where he couldn't make it home in time lately.
 
Sorry guys, I'm in a bit of a rush! I'll post critique tomorrow, but for now, I'll place my votes :)

1) ZephyrFate: Like I said before, it takes guts to write poetry for a contest dominated by short stories. Short stories tend to be a lot more accessible and readable. Regardless, you went for it, and you did a damn good job. I don't know too much about poetry (as I've also said before), but I'll be damned if I didn't love your entry.

2) Cyan: Stories involving some sort of romance are incredibly hard to write. It's hard to avoid cliche and character archetypes. I was incredibly entertained by your story, and the last line absolutely floored me. Very creative :)

3) crowphoenix: I was really into the story. As I said above, these types of stories are incredibly hard to write. Worst of all, these stories are even harder to read. Office romances have been beaten to death in every single entertainment medium known to man. Still, it only took you a few sentences to really get my interest. Also, the dialogue in your story is my favorite out of all the entries. Your characters are very human. Bravo :)
 
sorry guys not much time to comment on the rest (though they were really good)

My votes:

1. Irish
2. BakedMonkey
3. Cyan
 
Wow, thanks for all of the votes guys. :D

Until this challenge, I think I've only had one vote and two HMs to my name. (My earlier stories got good comments though.)

I hope I haven't reached my peak.
 
Well deserved. It was a creative hub of sorts this time round. :lol
An eclectic mixture of writing styles, forms and critiques. And lots of it to read as well.
Let's hope we can carry the flame on. :D
 
Congrats, Cyan.

Aaron said:
crowphoenix - It starts strong, though it ends up feeling like another episode of a post-Office sitcom. It could have benefited from stronger narration in the body of the story and not quite so much dialogue.
Click to expand...
Yeah. I thought about how dialogue heavy it was as I was writing it, and I ran out of time before I could work on that. Something about that is just not clicking in my head yet, but as long as I keep getting called out on it, I can fix it.

Cyan said:
crowphoenix - "New Family Friend" - Haha. I actually really like this. The MC clearly has a goal in mind and pushes toward it ruthlessly. And the dialogue is sharp--especially the interplay between the two simultaneous conversations.

The only real problem I have is that it's a little too easy for him. His wife is into it from the start, I guess, and Amanda doesn't exactly put up a whole lot of resistance. I dunno, I'd like to see more of an obstacle for him to overcome.
Click to expand...

I'm actually surprised my story went over as well as it did. I was frustrated beyond belief with it when I submitted it, but I didn't want to miss another challenge.

The first time I wrote that last half, Bill was such a creep that I couldn't see Amanda wanting anything to do with him unless she herself was a vile person, and I hadn't set that up.

I also made Bill and his wife a swinger couple because the idea of cheating in an office just seemed so over done that I could already hear Ronito's critiques.

Ashes1396 said:
@crow phoenix: I just wanted to add a little bit to what bakemono said. At one point, I felt, okay so this is erotic fiction. But than I worked/found out this was a prelude to a erotic story. Here, I was wondering how you would end it. It would have been nicer if it had maybe an alternative ending.
Click to expand...
I thought about taking it farther, and originally, it was going to have a short scene with Bill and Amanda. I just didn't feel like I could properly write something like that convincingly. I suppose I should have tried then.
 
Thanks dudes, will get the new thread up soon.

crowphoenix said:
I also made Bill and his wife a swinger couple because the idea of cheating in an office just seemed so over done that I could already hear Ronito's critiques.
Click to expand...
That was actually pretty clever; a nice trope inversion.
 
Tim, read your piece, and while I like it, I think it moves way too fast for a first chapter.

A lot of the problems I have with it, not getting a strong sense of the characters or world, I think would be fixed if the pace moved a little slower.
 
New challenge is up!

After the awesome set of stories in this challenge, and the excellent critiques, I hope to see all of you join in the new challenge as well!

Given the lack of search function, if you think you might write for the new one, you should probably post in the thread/subscribe.

As a bonus, this will bump it for new people to find. :)
 
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