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New England Patriots' Parade Has Lowest Turnout Ever

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Matlock

Banned
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BOSTON—Poor player attendance, negligible fan turnout, and a marked lack of general enthusiasm marred the New England Patriots' annual season-ending parade through the streets of Boston Monday in what is being regarded as the worst such parade in the last three years.

"New England fans are the best fans in the world!" said owner Robert Kraft, standing beneath a banner that read "CONGRATULATIONS TO THE NFL CHAMPION PATRIOTS" in bold block letters, with the phrase "Of The AFC East" hastily spray-painted beside it. "It's just too bad more of them couldn't be here with us today to celebrate what we all agree was really an almost perfect season."

The reception for the team was unusually stilted, partially due to the cold and partially because the Patriots had not, in fact, won the Super Bowl. Kraft's speech was interrupted twice by police, who informed the team owner that he had not obtained the proper permit to hold a parade, and delayed for over an hour before the team was notified that the traditional duck boats used for the team's Super Bowl parade had been rented out to other parties after the Patriots' loss to the Broncos on Sunday.

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, linebacker Tedy Bruschi, and lineman Matt Light looked out over the few dozen bewildered spectators at Boston's City Hall, occasionally shifting their weight and awkwardly fumbling with unopened bags of confetti while waiting for hastily arranged flatbed trucks to arrive and take them down the parade route.

"We're baaack!" Brady told a hurrying lunchtime crowd in City Hall Plaza, standing with Kraft, Coach Bill Belichick, and dozens of teammates at the near-victory rally. "And we came back early this year! Now let's hear it for the guys who helped me win three Super Bowls in the last five years!"

Kraft and Belichick praised the team's commitment to above-average performance, a philosophy that led to a season-ending streak of four straight wins, a loss, a wild-card playoff win, and then Sunday's 27-13 defeat at the hands of a fired-up Denver team.

"My guys have become the team to beat in the NFL," said Coach Belichick, looking out over the honking, bustling afternoon traffic as it streamed around the parade. "Every team out there knows they have to bring their ‘A' game when they take us on. Damned if that wasn't what the Broncos did, too. Kind of takes the edge off the day, but, you know, we've been looking forward to this parade for a long time."

"Everyone enjoys a nice parade," added Belichick.

Fan reaction was uncharacteristically subdued.

"I took the day off for the victory parade a year ago," said Jake Scheinbarth, 33, a UPS delivery driver and self-described "die-hard Patriots fan." "But the day I took off was in February. This crap is obstructing my damn drop-offs, here."

"Go, Pats! Come on, let's move it! Aw, get the hell out of the way!" he added, leaning on his van's horn in frustration.

Law-enforcement officials along the parade route said the few fans who noticed the parade were unusually well-behaved.

"We had a few traffic snarl-ups along Boylston Street by people who weren't ready for three trucks with bunting on them to come down the street in the middle of the day," said officer Chris Cashion. "No arrests for public intoxication, no overturned cars, and only one woman bared her breasts. And it was a homeless woman who does that to all the truck drivers."

Officials said only one fatality had been reported during the celebration, but that it had actually happened in a dispute over dog ownership in relatively distant Quincy, MA and was most likely unrelated.

:lol
 

Miguel

Member
NEW YORK--The past few months have seen a record number of white assistants promoted to head coaching jobs in the NFL. Now league officials say there is a shortage of them, and they fear that when the next round of head coaching jobs open up, some teams will be forced to hire minorities.

That chilling scenario could become a reality as soon as next year.

“The fact is that there is a shortage of white assistant coaches in the NFL,” said Atlanta GM Rich McKay, co-chairman of the NFL competition committee. “There have been so many hirings lately that we’ve depleted the ranks. This will almost certainly open the door to minority coaches in the near future. There’s no way to avoid it. The well has run dry.”

McKay suggested replenishing the ranks with some college coaches.

“It’s very simple. Start hiring them from college. There are plenty of them. Make them strength and conditioning coaches or consultants or whatever. Just get them in the league, and in a couple of years they’ll be interviewing for head coaching vacancies.”

The Oakland Raiders remain the only team without a head coach, and their options are now severely limited. They waited so long after firing Nov Turner that many of the top whites have already been snatched up. Now they’re facing a hard choice between a second-tier white assistant and a top-notch black one. It’s a decision no owner wants to make.

“It’s a tough situation now for the Raiders,” said one AFC general manager. “They interviewed Ken Whisenhunt the other day. That’s what we’ve come to. Who the hell is Ken Whisenhunt? Exactly. I don’t know either. Apparently he’s a better option than Tim Lewis, Jerry Gray, Ron Rivera, and Donnie Henderson. Oh, and Ron Meeks and Greg Blache, too. And Ted Cotrell. And Art Shell. I guess those guys just don’t have the proven track record of a guy like Ken What’s-his-face.”

Several teams this season have settled for unknown white coaches, including the Green Bay Packers, who gave the reins to San Francisco offensive coordinator Mike McCarthy. GM Ted Thompson insisted that he had the utmost confidence in McCarthy, despite his less than impressive resume.

“We hired Mike because of his keen offensive mind,” said Thompson. “We know his track record isn’t great, but we’re not going to judge him on that. Of course, if he was black, he would have to have a sterling track record. And he would have to blow our minds in the interview, too – not that I would be there. I would delegate that to one of my assistants and have him take notes for me. But we’re nothing if not totally committed to diversity.”

Chicago Bears defensive coordinator Ron Rivera was passed over for a head coaching job despite coaching the second best defense in the NFL. They were so good they drew comparisons to the great ’85 Bears. Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to impress NFL owners.

“It’s very disappointing that I didn’t get hired,” said Rivera, who is Hispanic. “It was a good learning experience, though. Here’s what I learned: if you’re a minority, you’re probably not going to get hired unless you have a Super Bowl ring or two. It’s just not happening. NFL owners just don’t like minorities. And they’re overt about it, too. You’d think they could at least try to fake it, like NBA owners.”

Some owners plan to recycle old white coaches if they have an opening, rather than hire an up and coming young minority coach.

“There are plenty of old white coaches out there just sitting round waiting to be hired,” said one owner, who asked not to be identified. “What about Jerry Glanville? He hasn’t been hired yet. Granted he’s no Joe Gibbs, but it beats the hell out of hiring somebody like Tim Lewis. That guy is so unproven. Now, that tight ends coach for the Giants, he’s another story. How long has he been coaching? Eight months? I see. Interesting. Here’s my number. Tell him to give me a call if he’s interested in a head coaching job.”

Meanwhile, minority groups are complaining about the NFL hiring practices, and questioning how so many qualified black coaches could’ve been passed up.

“This is really disturbing,” said John Wooten, chairman of the Fritz-Pollard Alliance, a group of minority coaches. “All of those job openings and not one black guy gets hired? That’s not a coincidence. I guess the bright side is that they really are running out of white assistants. The next round of coaching hires has to feature some black guys. It’s called 'process of elimination,' and it’s pretty much our only hope at this point.”
 

Shinobi

Member
:lol The moment I read the thread title, I knew it could only be The Onion.

And :lol @ the Brushback piece.
 

calder

Member
The Onion used to be pretty mediocre with sports satire, but the last few months they've really started having great sports stories, and a ton more sports stuff in general.

From the Year in Review.
July 28—Manny Ramirez demands to be traded from the Red Sox. After being initially rebuffed, he politely asks to be traded. He later begs to be traded, pleads to be traded, and fakes a terminal illness and says his dying wish is to be traded. When ownership still refuses, he issues a statement saying he "loves playing for the Red Sox and hopes to finish his career in Boston."

Oct. 24—His heart pounding a mile a minute, an exhilarated, out-of-breath, bruised and battered Steve Yzerman, barely able to contain himself after the Red Wings' nail-biting 6-5 overtime shootout victory, decries the NHL's brand of "new, uninteresting hockey."

Dec. 8—Anxiety for the 2006 World Cup begins early for the United States, who cross their fingers before the seeding and pray they are not matched up against a soccer-mad powerhouse European, South American, Asian, or African team in the first round. Feelings are mixed but generally gloomy when their first opponent turns out to be the Czech Republic.
:lol
 

Shinobi

Member
Aug. 1—Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Tice makes a preseason promise that the character and behavior of the players on this years' team will soon make the fans forget the shameful off-field antics of Randy Moss.

Nov. 14—Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez wins the AL MVP award for the second time. A-Rod tells a group of reporters, "The second one feels just like the first, in that none of my teammates called to congratulate me this time, either." On the same date, Ken Griffey Jr. celebrates having avoided injury just enough to win the Comeback Player Of The Year award.

:lol
 
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