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[Septimius]

Everyone is subject to "frame relapse" - if you were the odd one out in school, but you've turned into another being socially since school, chances are you'll fall right back into the same way at a reunion or something like that.

I'm different around a lot of people. I don't ACT different, in the literal sense of the word. I'm not not myself - all these ways of being are what constitutes "myself" - just the same way I can have a serious conversation and a completely hilarious one about farts doesn't mean I'm someone else when I'm serious and when I'm humorous. If I'm talking to an old lady on the street, I don't use the same vocabulary or way of being as I do with my girlfriend, and that's different from being with my friends.

I think there's no cause for alarm. Calling this shenanigans or something based on a change in behaviour is a cause of alarm, however, GrizzNKev. If it bothers you, bring it up in a constructive way, but don't be sure that your way of knowing him is "the right way" or "the way he should be" or "his true self" or anything like that.

 

[GrizzNKev]

And that's what's turning GAF off in these respects, same as CommonSense in the open relationship topic. All of the members have been judged or attacked in some way and so they use that to form opinions without particularly considering the topic at hand. No offense.

But first, this is a different situation. This isn't about him telling his brother that he knows him better than the brother does himself, but this is a difference in the brother's personality that they haven't actually discussed. And as it stands, again, the family is the only side to see all of the faces.

As for "maybe he's just happier with her"... something something true character in adversity, etc.

If you only know your SO in their times of happiness, then you arguably don't know them at all. THIS is exactly why people say not to marry people so early in the relationship - you're still in the infatuation stage. You're still too damn happy. It's not love, not yet.

I've got friends like that too. One decided that they would stay with that guy (indefinitely), another is always trying to cheat on his girl.

Also, he acts entirely different around her to the point that his closer friends find him insufferable.

Yeah, this is something that I've seen but not acted on in any way. And sure, I have formed an opinion on it and shared it with GAF. It's not like I was totally unaware that people act differently in different situations and around different people, but just that when I keep in mind how well I know my brother after living with him for the majority of our lives, how it is odd to me how he can become someone I don't at all know at the ring of a phone / knock at the door.

I get that it seems dumb of me to claim that I don't do such things, but I do make an effort to try to retain consistent traits regardless of the situation because I feel that it's easier to grow a trusting relationship with a person when they know all of who I am rather than a part of me.

When you spend a LOT of time around a person, you can kind of get stuck in these roles. I won't say that this happens to everyone but it does happen to a lot of people and it's happened to me. You end up stuck in this role and you just kind of continue playing it because it's easier than trying to break out("why are you acting strange?"). This can happen most easily in SO-type relationships I think because there's a instinct to enter one with this sort of controlled, directed version of yourself. If you're self-aware you can work to avoid it, but if you don't it's easy for a person to get stuck in something like this.

This is an interesting perspective that I hadn't considered. I was especially surprised when she announced she was transferring schools to his university for what seemed like no reason other than to be closer to him. This seems normal, but he didn't seem incredibly excited and I'm quite sure he wouldn't have done the same for her. Perhaps he keeps finding himself in situations that make it difficult for him to escape that established personality that feels so strange and awkward and fake to me when I see it.

 

[Vermillion]

Everyone is subject to "frame relapse" - if you were the odd one out in school, but you've turned into another being socially since school, chances are you'll fall right back into the same way at a reunion or something like that.

I'm different around a lot of people. I don't ACT different, in the literal sense of the word. I'm not not myself - all these ways of being are what constitutes "myself" - just the same way I can have a serious conversation and a completely hilarious one about farts doesn't mean I'm someone else when I'm serious and when I'm humorous. If I'm talking to an old lady on the street, I don't use the same vocabulary or way of being as I do with my girlfriend, and that's different from being with my friends.

I think there's no cause for alarm. Calling this shenanigans or something based on a change in behaviour is a cause of alarm, however, GrizzNKev. If it bothers you, bring it up in a constructive way, but don't be sure that your way of knowing him is "the right way" or "the way he should be" or "his true self" or anything like that.

I almost want to pour myself a drink and raise my glass just for the bolded.

Though arguably the changes the brother goes through around his girlfriend (and not around his family) paint a different picture of his personality. Furthermore, if his friend is telling the truth - that is, that he didn't like his girlfriend and was planning to break up with her - and his personality around her is still the same, then it's probably like what one poster said a bit ago - he's stuck in that role and can't switch to someone else.

 

[Timedog]

I was doin stuff with my girlfriend one day, ogling her boobies and butts, putting my spitty lips on her body. Putting my raspberry lips on her body. Growling like an animal. Yelling racist things about myself so my roommates could hear. Then she had the nerve to be all "you're so fake, why don't you do this to your sister?".

It's true, too. I'm so fucking fake.

 

[Stet]

No? Do you really have a problem with how they interact?

To be fair, it does sound insufferable. But it's totally that dude's right to be insufferable.

 

[DCharlie]

If anyone ever set up a hidden camera in my house the wife and I would be carried away in straight jackets.

OP: What does your Brother think of your behaviour around your girlfriend? Maybe you don't notice that you do the same thing, you might not even notice you are doing it. #paranoia

To be fair, it does sound insufferable. But it's totally that dude's right to be insufferable.

well, definitely and as from the details it has to be suffered at least once a twice a year, i can see why it would drive someone to utter despair

 

[Lo_Fi]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-monitoring

 

[soepje]

.

 

[thetrin]

Maybe for you.

I'm not having any issues.

Not just for me. Everyone on the Earth.

You're saying you treat your boss, your parents, and your significant other like you treat your friends? You use the same words with older people as you do with younger people? You have the same posture around your friends as you do in the workplace? I submit to you that you do not, and you are merely completely unaware of this fact.

We are different people to different people. That's a fact of the human psyche, and denying that just makes it sound like you know less about yourself than you should.

 

[RustyNails]

I don't.

So you're the guy who kept farting and burping at starbucks the otherday and making weird faces.

 

[Vermillion]

I was doin stuff with my girlfriend one day, ogling her boobies and butts, putting my spitty lips on her body. Putting my raspberry lips on her body. Growling like an animal. Yelling racist things about myself so my roommates could hear. Then she had the nerve to be all "you're so fake, why don't you do this to your sister?".

It's true, too. I'm so fucking fake.

Not the subject.

 

[Chinner]

I was doin stuff with my girlfriend one day, ogling her boobies and butts, putting my spitty lips on her body. Putting my raspberry lips on her body. Growling like an animal. Yelling racist things about myself so my roommates could hear. Then she had the nerve to be all "you're so fake, why don't you do this to your sister?".

It's true, too. I'm so fucking fake.

wait, are you telling me you wouldn't do that for your mother?

 

[Vermillion]

I think that what he's saying is that he'd do that to his mother if his girlfriend were around, but only then.

 

[Net_Wrecker]

The best part is being around people who are all "yo yo bro dawg, what up son" that turn into old British guys around women. Voice, vocabulary, mannerisms, etc. all change. I find it a bit hilarious, really. I'm sure everyone does it, whether you notice yourself doing it or not, but it's just funny to me. I've actually known a LOT of people like that and have become self conscious about it. Constantly at war with my "yo yo bro dawg" self vs. James Bond me.

 

[Vermillion]

The best part is being around people who are all "yo yo bro dawg, what up son" that turn into old British guys around women. Voice, vocabulary, mannerisms, etc. all change. I find it a bit hilarious, really. I'm sure everyone does it, whether you notice yourself doing it or not, but it's just funny to me. I've actually known a LOT of people like that so I've become self conscious about it. Constantly at war with my "yo yo bro dawg" self vs. James Bond me.

Certainly everyone does, to varying degrees.

 

[umop_3pisdn]

I self-monitor a lot, I have joked that I have all the sincerity of a diplomat. But I also have a brash temperament so between those contradictory tendencies I seem to get away with being a dirty social pragmatist, because effuse enthusiasm always appears sincere, especially considering that I can't actually fake it.

 

[Anemone]

My one friend is notoriously bitch-made around girls he's into. His voice goes up an octave, he is painfully nice, and he gets walked all over. I just don't get it.

 

[Keri]

OP, it sounds like you're jealous of your brother's girlfriend and just generally dislike her. If you liked her, you wouldn't care that your brother acts "extremely kind" around her.

Also, it sounds like you're assuming his kindness around her his fake...because you dislike her and can't imagine it would be genuine...

If your brother has been with her for a year-and-a-half, he probably genuinely likes her.

 

[Chinner]

^
truth bomb

 

[GrizzNKev]

I was doin stuff with my girlfriend one day, ogling her boobies and butts, putting my spitty lips on her body. Putting my raspberry lips on her body. Growling like an animal. Yelling racist things about myself so my roommates could hear. Then she had the nerve to be all "you're so fake, why don't you do this to your sister?".

It's true, too. I'm so fucking fake.

Sometimes when my girl sucks my dick she's really loud and I worry my mom will hear

OP, it sounds like you're jealous of your brother's girlfriend and just generally dislike her. If you liked her, you wouldn't care that your brother acts "extremely kind" around her.

Also, it sounds like you're assuming his kindness around her his fake...because you dislike her and can't imagine it would be genuine...

If your brother has been with her for a year-and-a-half, he probably genuinely likes her.

A large part of this is true, which is something I commented on earlier in the thread.

 

[Vermillion]

OP, it sounds like you're jealous of your brother's girlfriend and just generally dislike her. If you liked her, you wouldn't care that your brother acts "extremely kind" around her.

Also, it sounds like you're assuming his kindness around her his fake...because you dislike her and can't imagine it would be genuine...

If your brother has been with her for a year-and-a-half, he probably genuinely likes her.

1) and 2) are probably true.

3) Means nothing. Trust me.

 

[Holy Order Sol]

And that's what's turning GAF off in these respects, same as CommonSense in the open relationship topic. All of the members have been judged or attacked in some way and so they use that to form opinions without particularly considering the topic at hand. No offense.

But first, this is a different situation. This isn't about him telling his brother that he knows him better than the brother does himself, but this is a difference in the brother's personality that they haven't actually discussed. And as it stands, again, the family is the only side to see all of the faces.

I was merely agreeing with the post I had quoted and my point was that the OP is basically making an assumption he shouldn't be making. Good thing he hasn't confronted his brother about it in those terms, because it could blow up in his face and rightfully so.

 

[Vermillion]

I was merely agreeing with the post I had quoted and my point was that the OP is basically making an assumption he shouldn't be making. Good thing he hasn't confronted his brother about it in those terms, because it could blow up in his face and rightfully so.

Reasonable.

 

[GrizzNKev]

I almost want to pour myself a drink and raise my glass just for the bolded.

Though arguably the changes the brother goes through around his girlfriend (and not around his family) paint a different picture of his personality. Furthermore, if his friend is telling the truth - that is, that he didn't like his girlfriend and was planning to break up with her - and his personality around her is still the same, then it's probably like what one poster said a bit ago - he's stuck in that role and can't switch to someone else.

I was out doing the presents thing for a while but I'm pretty sure you nailed it with this one.

The near turning point was cancelled when she moved across the state to go to the same school as him about 6 months ago.

If anyone ever set up a hidden camera in my house the wife and I would be carried away in straight jackets.

OP: What does your Brother think of your behaviour around your girlfriend? Maybe you don't notice that you do the same thing, you might not even notice you are doing it. #paranoia



well, definitely and as from the details it has to be suffered at least once a twice a year, i can see why it would drive someone to utter despair

Well I was actually living at home for the first year of it. It did drive me nearly insane hearing the baby talk through the wall to his room late into every night. My return trips home are now only a reminder of those times.

My girlfriend and I generally keep to ourselves. My family doesn't approve of her to quite the same degree as my brother's girlfriend, so she doesn't feel comfortable showing up to what are traditionally family events.

 

[Xun]

You give people a different perspective on your personality with the way you interact with them, but it's still wholly you.

Unless you're actually trying to be someone else entirely.

Pretty much.

I act differently with everyone really.

 

[Keri]

A large part of this is true, which is something I commented on earlier in the thread.

You should try to get to know her better. Maybe you'll discover a little of what it is your brother sees in her and then you could chill out a bit.

My brother does the same thing by the way: he acts a lot nicer and more "cutesy" around his girlfriend. It doesn't mean he's being fake with either of us, it just means he has a different relationship with his girlfriend than he does with me (his sister). Frankly, it would be weird if he treated us exactly the same.

When they first got together, it bothered me how close they were too, but it was because I didn't know her (and I was close to his ex-girlfriend). Over time, I discovered that his new girlfriend is REALLY amazing and absolutely deserves the niceness he shows her. So yeah, really this is just about the way you feel about his girlfriend.

 

[Vermillion]

I was out doing the presents thing for a while but I'm pretty sure you nailed it with this one.

The near turning point was cancelled when she moved across the state to go to the same school as him about 6 months ago.

I've seen something similar. Girl was planning on breaking up with her boyfriend, but then he did something (can't say what it is, apologies), and now she'll be with him for the forseeable future.

 

[GrizzNKev]

You should try to get to know her better. Maybe you'll discover a little of what it is your brother sees in her and then you could chill out a bit.

My brother does the same thing by the way: he acts a lot nicer and more "cutesy" around his girlfriend. It doesn't mean he's being fake with either of us, it just means he has a different relationship with his girlfriend than he does with me (his sister). Frankly, it would be weird if he treated us exactly the same.

When they first got together, it bothered me how close they were too, but it was because I didn't know her (and I was close to his ex-girlfriend). Over time, I discovered that his new girlfriend is REALLY amazing and absolutely deserves the niceness he shows her. So yeah, really this is just about the way you feel about his girlfriend.

I'll just put it this way, unless someone doubles her IQ I doubt I will be able to tolerate her. I prefer my girls to have basic reading comprehension capabilities and not use "like" as every other word.

 

[Chinner]

my opinion of the op keeps dropping the more and more he reveals himself to be a bitter Internet nerd who thinks he's better than others

 

[Vermillion]

I'll just put it this way, unless someone doubles her IQ I doubt I will be able to tolerate her. I prefer my girls to have basic reading comprehension capabilities and not use "like" as every other word.

The reading comprehension thing... are you sure you're not overblowing it?

As for "like"... that's not an indication of intelligence.

 

[GrizzNKev]

my opinion of the op keeps dropping the more and more he reveals himself to be a bitter Internet nerd who thinks he's better than others

Or maybe I'm just someone who knows who I like to be around and who I don't and have plenty of positive relationships with people who enjoy me for what I am.

The reading comprehension thing... are you sure you're not overblowing it?

As for "like"... that's not an indication of intelligence.

I'm exaggerating to an extreme degree, obviously.

Just the kind of person I have difficulties tolerating. Blind faith in religion, not a critical thinker, didn't take care of herself well, not someone I can really talk to or relate to. These were some of the things that led my brother to not want to be around her. I would ask him how things were going and he would always says she was "working on improving" though I never saw evidence of that. Then one day everything went quiet and he was back to drooling over her.

 

[Raistlin]

I understand a little bit of difference - that's kind of normal. Certain things simply aren't done/said in certain company out of respect. But for the people that feel they must act totally different ... yeah ... I have zero respect for that.


I'm impressed by the people that totally act like themselves though, warts and all. CrankyJay for example has no problems being his retarded self around his wife.

 

[VanillaCakeIsBurning]

There's a pretty big difference between using some different language depending on who you're talking to (mom, boss, friend), and acting like a completely different person.

Someone mentioned frame relapse and old school/odd one out vs new school/social person where if you meet up with the old people you can get stuck into acting out an old persona.

I've seen it many times and I'm pretty much a master at it. I hate it every single time it happens.

What this sounds like is an abrupt change resulting in a persona created in an effort to better appease the girlfriend.

Ask around and you'll see this is nothing new. Guys largely modifying their behaviour to the point where they are unrecognizable for the purposes of courtship. I don't think it's that big of a deal. If you and your brother are close, you could just talk about it. He'll probably even tell you that he knows he acts differently around his girlfriend.

It's mostly a kind of involuntary reaction to contact.

Just thought I'd try to make a constructive post to balance out the trolling ones.

 

[Vermillion]

I'm exaggerating to an extreme degree, obviously.

Just the kind of person I have difficulties tolerating. Blind faith in religion, not a critical thinker, didn't take care of herself well, not someone I can really talk to or relate to. These were some of the things that led my brother to not want to be around her. I would ask him how things were going and he would always says she was "working on improving" though I never saw evidence of that. Then one day everything went quiet and he was back to drooling over her.

That's certainly odd... I'd ask someone. Either him or a friend, or... anyone.

 

[evilromero]

Everyone alters their behavior based on who is watching. You probably dont talk with your mom how you do with your friends.

Certainly. I don't know why this surprises people. It's not one size fits all. Otherwise you turn away a lot of people.

 

[Vermillion]

Certainly. I don't know why this surprises people. It's not one size fits all. Otherwise you turn away a lot of people.

Again, varying degrees - this isn't black and white. Some people change dramatically, to the point where it is a lie.

Sociopaths, for an extreme example.

 

[Chinner]

Again, varying degrees - this isn't black and white. Some people change dramatically, to the point where it is a lie.

Sociopaths, for an extreme example.

this isn't black and white? ops brother is a sociopath???

 

[GrizzNKev]

this isn't black and white? ops brother is a sociopath???

You totally got him figured out.

 

[marathonfool]

How old is your brother OP?

 

[Barnaby_Jones]

I first heard this on gaf and it's always stuck with me since.

"Everyone is someone different behind their eyes"

I always really liked it because it made me look at the way I view myself compared to how other people see me and what the main differences are. My last girlfriend described me as a very angry person however the majority of my friends say the exact opposite. I drummed it up to the fact that I would tend to rant about stuff that has pissed me off more to my girlfriend and tend to go for more jokes with my friends.

I looked at how my family see me and realised that most of my friends know more about the person I am and the values I hold than my mum does. My mum doesn't know about half of the stupid shit I've done in life and naturally if she were to find out, her opinion of me would certainly change, albeit hopefully not drastically.

I think often about how I come across to strangers in the street or to my peers at university. The fact that I wear a suit/shit and tie combo 99% of the time at university but when I'm at home I'll usually be wearing something more "skater-y" will definitely have an effect on how I'm perceived and I won't lie, I've used this to my advantage several times. I've turned up to gigs wearing a suit and blagged my way into the press area with a little bit of talk and a spiral notepad. Just in the same way that I'd never get a job if I turned up to the interview in shorts and a wifebeater.

I was having a great conversation the other day with a group of friends during a party. It was a bit geeky and we were discussing everything from electromagnetic railguns to quantum locking and theoretical physics and whaddyaknow, the moment we go back upstairs to join the rest of the party (predominantly girls), the rest of the guys abandon that line of conversation for something more... 'cool' I guess. I just found it funny that they weren't comfortable talking about intellectual stuff in front of these girls in case their intelligence and knowledge hampered their chance at getting laid.

Everyone is a social chameleon and we all adapt to where we are and who we're talking to. It's a perfectly natural phenomenon that I'd love to know more about. If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say it was probably related to the way in which people mirror each other during conversations to form better bonds and such. Does anyone have any further reading on the subject that they may be able to link me to please?

 

[GrizzNKev]

How old is your brother OP?

21

 

[Vermillion]

I first heard this on gaf and it's always stuck with me since.

"Everyone is someone different behind their eyes"

I always really liked it because it made me look at the way I view myself compared to how other people see me and what the main differences are. My last girlfriend described me as a very angry person however the majority of my friends say the exact opposite. I drummed it up to the fact that I would tend to rant about stuff that has pissed me off more to my girlfriend and tend to go for more jokes with my friends.

I looked at how my family see me and realised that most of my friends know more about the person I am and the values I hold than my mum does. My mum doesn't know about half of the stupid shit I've done in life and naturally if she were to find out, her opinion of me would certainly change, albeit hopefully not drastically.

I think often about how I come across to strangers in the street or to my peers at university. The fact that I wear a suit/shit and tie combo 99% of the time at university but when I'm at home I'll usually be wearing something more "skater-y" will definitely have an effect on how I'm perceived and I won't lie, I've used this to my advantage several times. I've turned up to gigs wearing a suit and blagged my way into the press area with a little bit of talk and a spiral notepad. Just in the same way that I'd never get a job if I turned up to the interview in shorts and a wifebeater.

I was having a great conversation the other day with a group of friends during a party. It was a bit geeky and we were discussing everything from electromagnetic railguns to quantum locking and theoretical physics and whaddyaknow, the moment we go back upstairs to join the rest of the party (predominantly girls), the rest of the guys abandon that line of conversation for something more... 'cool' I guess. I just found it funny that they weren't comfortable talking about intellectual stuff in front of these girls in case their intelligence and knowledge hampered their chance at getting laid.

Everyone is a social chameleon and we all adapt to where we are and who we're talking to. It's a perfectly natural phenomenon that I'd love to know more about. If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say it was probably related to the way in which people mirror each other during conversations to form better bonds and such. Does anyone have any further reading on the subject that they may be able to link me to please?

Well, again, it's not that black and white. That's a natural form of blending in - what you talk about with whom, etc. Some versions are far more extreme in change.

As for the bolded, it's funny - the other day, a friend and I were riding the bus, and he made a judgment call that the girls near us weren't that attractive before he started talking to me about pocket universes. And so, life.

 

[Callibretto]

I don't.

Do you hit on multiple girls on p4?

 

[marathonfool]

21

He's young and still maturing. Your genuineness meter is going off because you've known him for so long and only seen him from a familial perspective. Like a previous poster mentioned, people play to certain roles in their family and they'll find their identity and voice as they grow into adulthood.

It may be jarring for you to see a different person, but it's fairly common at that stage of life. As long as his core character is intact, don't be alarmed at the changing pitch of his voice.

 

[Barnaby_Jones]

Well, again, it's not that black and white. That's a natural form of blending in - what you talk about with whom, etc. Some versions are far more extreme in change.

Oh definitely. I have known people who pretty much hide who they are from their significant others. One of my friends is known, quite publicly, as a huge drug taker and party animal although his girlfriend has absolutely no idea about any of this. It's obviously not my place so I ain't saying shit but one day it's all going to come out and we're all waiting for that day to come. I do have to admit though, while dishonest and never something I would do, the guy is pretty fucking good at covering his back.

That's the sort of thing I couldn't agree with. I understand if it's family but surely your SO should know what you get up to in your spare time if it's a major part of your life.

 

[Vermillion]

Oh definitely. I have known people who pretty much hide who they are from their significant others. One of my friends is known, quite publicly, as a huge drug taker and party animal although his girlfriend has absolutely no idea about any of this. It's obviously not my place so I ain't saying shit but one day it's all going to come out and we're all waiting for that day to come. I do have to admit though, while dishonest and never something I would do, the guy is pretty fucking good at covering his back.

That's the sort of thing I couldn't agree with. I understand if it's family but surely your SO should know what you get up to in your spare time if it's a major part of your life.

Alright, same page.

And damn, how can you hide that much? Not even morally, but... eh, I guess if she's so opposed to it, she wouldn't know people who go to such parties... wow.

 

[travisbickle]

I have a somewhat strong sense of identity and people often tell me they envy my tendency to not hold back pointing out people's bullshit or not adjusting how I act to appeal to people I don't care much for.

Perhaps that's more unusual than I'm aware of.

So you're an arsehole to everyone? whereas he's only an arsehole with you?

I think he's changing his act for your benefit.

 

[alphaNoid]

21

A toddler in man years. By the time he's 28 he'll cringe at the idea of what he's doing now and by his 30s he'll just downright laugh at other 21 year old dudes clearly lost and fooled by romantic comedies.

Advice? Let him fail, let him fail hard. Its the only way guys learn from their mistakes.

 

[Einhander]

You know, this doesn't have to apply to significant others, exclusively. People do this with different friends as well. I do it, however, I act a couple different ways and use them interchangeably with everyone.

 

[Keri]

I'll just put it this way, unless someone doubles her IQ I doubt I will be able to tolerate her. I prefer my girls to have basic reading comprehension capabilities and not use "like" as every other word.

Well, keep this in mind: Your family likes your brother's girlfriend more than they like yours. That's why your brother's girlfriend gets to spend Christmas with the family and yours "doesn't feel comfortable" attending.

Clearly, your family doesn't know your girlfriend as well as you do and they're probably being unfair to her...

Since you know how much it sucks being on this end of judgmental family members, for your brother's sake, try not to be the judgmental family member to him. Since your family is wrong about your girlfriend, try to consider that you might be wrong about your brother's. Even if she's not the sharpest tool in the shed, it doesn't mean she's not a good person with other good qualities.