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[ryseing]

Hi GAF, this has been on my mind all day and I figured writing it out if nothing else would help me figure my emotions out. Of course, any advice this wonderful community has would be great as well.

Background- I don't have the best relationship with my dad. He was verbally, emotionally, and occasionally physically abusive until I went away to college. Since then, he and my mother have separated twice, one for three months, once for over a year. They got back together a few months ago and have been fairly reticent about wanting to see me more and "reuniting the family". I live two hours away, but since I moved here in 2014 I've been home probably less than a dozen times due to how uncomfortable I feel. My dad has gotten better but still picks verbal fights and gets into arguments with me that I don't particularly enjoy.

Recently, they have of course been somewhat pressuring me to come home for Father's Day (for the record, they help financially support me which was agreed on years ago as long as I kept my grades up, which I have). After thinking about it, I agreed, but in order to keep myself intact I said I would come home for the day Saturday, not Sunday as my parents are quite religious and would have wanted me to go to church, and I would definitely not be spending the night with them. It's a 1.5-2 hour drive each way which I didn't mind doing twice in a day since I have some podcasts to catch up on. They agreed, and while I wasn't particularly looking forward to the trip I bought my father a gift and prepared mentally and emotionally.

Earlier this week I found out a close friend of mine was hired for a job she's been hoping to get. Only thing is that it's across the county and she leaves in 10 days. Because of the time crunch she threw together a going away party rather quickly for this evening which I found out about yesterday. I decided that I would still go see my parents but leave an hour or so earlier than I was planning to in order to go to the party. I told my mother this last night, she said that shouldn't be a problem, and I went to bed in order to wake up to drive to my parents'.

I wake up to a text from my father saying, "don't bother coming, we don't want you to feel rushed, we'll see you for the Fourth". I immediately thought to myself "WTF" and called my mother. My mom told my dad that I would have to leave a bit earlier than I planned on because of my friend and apparently he didn't take it very well. Side note- my dad has never liked any of my friends. He thinks I'm too good for them or some shit. Southern Baptists y'all.

I tried to tell him that I didn't mind making the drive and would still come up and whatnot but he wouldn't let me get in a word edgewise. I talked to my mom after and she said she thought he felt I was "choosing" my friend over him. I don't think I was, and even if I did, this is one of the last times I'll get to see my friend for quite some time while my parents live 2 hours away. I dunno GAF. Should I feel guilty?

Edit- I offered to come in tomorrow but again I wouldn't have been able to spend the night since I work Monday.

 

[BronsonLee]

I don't think your father understands how time works

 

[UnemployedVillain]

So you're not actually going to visit on Father's Day AND you're leaving early?

It's hard for me to really decide what to think of it, since I'm obviously biased by my own (healthy) relationship with my father, but I could see why he'd be slightly bummed. Both of those things together make it sound like you're making this trip because they want you to, not because you want to. Like just going through the motions

 

[echoshifting]

Sounds like you don't owe him shit. He was abusive when you were a kid and it sounds like he is completely unrepentant. This is just another mind game.

I don't think there is anything anyone can say to assuage you of your guilt but know that I think you are in the right to stick to your guns. Father's Day is just another day...I say that as a father myself. Offer a "makeup" day next weekend or whenever you are next available. If they react badly to that, that's on them. Not you.

 

[ThisGuy]

You should have ignored his hurt feelings and went anyways, then left early like you planned.

Don't feel bad. Plenty of days to go see him. If I were you I would go see him soon and give him his gift.

 

[Carnby]

So you're not actually going to visit on Father's Day AND you're leaving early?

This. I can see why your dad is bothered by it.

 

[Sarye]

I can see why your father was upset, but I understand your reasoning why. I would make it up to your parents by making time for them later.

 

[azyless]

Your father just sounds emotionally manipulative, which you seem to acknowledge yourself. You're old enough to make your own decisions, don't feel bad for prioritizing yourself and what you want to do over the feelings of others.
And I don't really get the big deal about Father's Day anyway, maybe because I'm not american, just visit him the week after or something if you feel bad about it.

 

[Tinfoilhatsron]

Sounds like you don't owe him shit. He was abusive when you were a kid and it sounds like he is completely unrepentant. This is just another mind game.

I don't think there is anything anyone can say to assuage you of your guilt but know that I think you are in the right to stick to your guns. Father's Day is just another day...I say that as a father myself. Offer a "makeup" day next weekend or whenever you are next available. If they react badly to that, that's on them. Not you.

This.

Also:
Don't feel bad about adults choosing to be immature brats. He should understand that shit happens and you were still planning on going anyway. Christ.

 

[Surface of Me]

You do this shit when you are financially independent, poor form to do it while they are still helping you out. It is also disrespectful, if you want to cut them out, do it. Dont be wishy washy about it.

 

[Corpekata]

I don't see why it's important that he's not there on the day and date, unless he has an assload of siblings. He still was coming down for the holiday, even if it's not the specific day, they could have still had their version of the day, just y'know, a bit earlier.

Only thing different I might have done was try to come in an hour earlier to make up leaving earlier.

 

[RedShift]

I don't think you did anything that wrong.

Besides, Father's Day isn't a real holiday anyway, it was just invented to sell tacky greetings cards.

 

[Pinko Marx]

Based on information you've provided your dad is being a jerk. A childish jerk.

 

[lucebuce12]

Just remember OP, people never change. He may claim to be a better man but he will always be the person you remember from when you were a child. Make your decisions accordingly.

My advice is : Don't beat yourself up over it. From the situation you described, your dad is kinda acting childish.

 

[Sirpopopop]

You're not financially independent. That throws a major kink into things.

 

[akira28]

be your own person and don't let your dad play his passive aggressive feelings game.

You showed up, you were there to be there for him even if he was huffy. then you left to do other shit because you're a damn adult and you have a life.

You do this shit when you are financially independent, poor form to do it while they are still helping you out. It is also disrespectful, if you want to cut them out, do it. Dont be wishy washy about it.

I don't think he's cutting anyone out of his life. do you?

This is just another thing he can use to wedge in his chip on shoulder collection. don't give him the opportunity OP. show up and give him your gift and some love, and leave.

 

[hunnies28]

I grew up without my dad. But if/when I become a father myself, I like to think that I'd be understanding enough when my son has stuff to do. It's not like you're telling them no from the get go.

 

[BreezyLimbo]

You do this shit when you are financially independent, poor form to do it while they are still helping you out. It is also disrespectful, if you want to cut them out, do it. Dont be wishy washy about it.

Yeah...not for nothing, I hate my father as well, but your dad is supporting you financially and you agreed for Saturday instead of Sunday. If youre ok getting money from him while hes a dick, than thats the bed you made. Either cut loose from your parents and do what you want, or give them these monthly visits because theyre helping you out when they can cut you off so easily.

Your friend is a friend, and you can see her anytime before she leaves. Like I said, I understand what it is to hate a father, but Im independent from him that I dont have to do anything for him.

 

[Dr.Acula]

Weird situation. So the plan was to drive over, do a dinner for today, and leave, instead of spending the morning at church on Father's Day? Why was dinner on Sunday never an option? That seems like the most logical time for the family to get together.

 

[BreezyLimbo]

Weird situation. So the plan was to drive over, do a dinner for today, and leave, instead of spending the morning at church on Father's Day? Why was dinner on Sunday never an option? That seems like the most logical time for the family to get together.

He didnt want to go to church, so he asked if today was cool.

 

[akira28]

Yeah...not for nothing, I hate my father as well, but your dad is supporting you financially and you agreed for Saturday instead of Sunday. If youre ok getting money from him while hes a dick, than thats the bed you made. Either cut loose from your parents and do what you want, or give them these monthly visits because theyre helping you out when they can cut you off so easily.

Your friend is a friend, and you can see her anytime before she leaves. Like I said, I understand what it is to hate a father, but Im independent from him that I dont have to do anything for him.

his dad was a physically and mentally abusive so and so and only now he is trying to pull shit together and he's still being a manipulative immature person over certain things. OP doesn't owe him everything. Fathers help their sons, its what they do. And sons are there for their fathers, its what they do. But these "you must choose me, honor thy father" head games are for the birds. If he can't offer a bit of understanding that this person is a separate life from his own and that things happen, and if he'd rather just NOT see his child because he's pissy, well...

 

[Zakalwe]

You do this shit when you are financially independent, poor form to do it while they are still helping you out. It is also disrespectful, if you want to cut them out, do it. Dont be wishy washy about it.

Yeah...not for nothing, I hate my father as well, but your dad is supporting you financially and you agreed for Saturday instead of Sunday. If youre ok getting money from him while hes a dick, than thats the bed you made. Either cut loose from your parents and do what you want, or give them these monthly visits because theyre helping you out when they can cut you off so easily.

Your friend is a friend, and you can see her anytime before she leaves. Like I said, I understand what it is to hate a father, but Im independent from him that I dont have to do anything for him.

Crap.

Sorry, but a good parent would understand that a commercial holiday isn't as important as a friend's leaving party. You can see your parents the next week and make up for it, my mother would be perfectly cool with that. Your friend is leaving your parents are not.

Add the fact he's been abusive in the past and he's the one treading on thin ice. You won't need their financial support forever. Your father's going to have to think about this if he wants to keep you in his life.

 

[John Kowalski]

I don't think your father understands how time works

Does anyone really?

 

[hokahey]

You made plans, plans that were already you not being fully engaged in a father's day celebration, and then amended them last minute. That's rude. If your dad's such a dick that you can't show him respect on father's day, stop taking his money.

 

[Zakalwe]

You made plans, plans that were already you not being fully engaged in a father's day celebration, and then amended them last minute. That's rude. If your dad's such a dick that you can't show him respect on father's day, stop taking his money.

Ridiculous oversimplification.

 

[hokahey]

Crap.

Sorry, but a good parent would understand that a commercial holiday isn't as important as a friend's leaving party. You can see your parents the next week and make up for it, my mother would be perfectly cool with that. Your friend is leaving your parents are not.

Add the fact he's been abusive in the past and he's the one treading on thin ice. You won't need their financial support forever. Your father's going to have to think about this if he wants to keep you in his life.

Not everyone is a hipster about holidays. My mother, an amazing woman, would be devastated if I prioritized a friend over her (no matter the circumstances) on Mother's Day.

 

[RoninChaos]

So you're not actually going to visit on Father's Day AND you're leaving early?

It's hard for me to really decide what to think of it, since I'm obviously biased by my own (healthy) relationship with my father, but I could see why he'd be slightly bummed. Both of those things together make it sound like you're making this trip because they want you to, not because you want to. Like just going through the motions

I get maybe your dad was one way or another when you were a kid but if you can take his money, not show up on Father's Day, and then try to leave early on the day you chose instead, that's kind of insulting.

 

[Filthy Casual]

No.

 

[akira28]

Not everyone is a hipster about holidays. My mother, an amazing woman, would be devastated if I prioritized a friend over her (no matter the circumstances) on Mother's Day.

well if she had been habitually beating my ass for 18 years I might tell her to lump it and order pizza.

 

[hokahey]

Ridiculous oversimplification.

Oh? I'd call it the truth, stripped of excuses.

 

[akira28]

Oh? I'd call it the truth, stripped of excuses.

the truth mutilated until its a former shell of itself? I would agree.

 

[Zakalwe]

Not everyone is a hipster about holidays. My mother, an amazing woman, would be devastated if I prioritized a friend over her (no matter the circumstances) on Mother's Day.

It's not being hipster. It's about not being emotionally attached to a single day and understanding your children have lives too.

Oh? I'd call it the truth, stripped of excuses.

Nope. It isn't binary like you think it is. The father has been abusive in the past, and is clearly being childish with his responses to OP. trying to guilt him.

If they've agreed on support if OP keeps his grades up, that's an agreement OP is sticking to. It shouldn't also come with emotional blackmail.

Respect is a two way thing. Your parents don't get it just because they're parents.

 

[hokahey]

well if she had been habitually beating my ass for 18 years I might tell her to lump it and order pizza.

Where does the OP say this was the case?

Also, even if it was, if they're good enough to take money from they're good enough to respect on their holiday.

 

[akira28]

Where does the OP say this was the case?

Also, even if it was, if they're good enough to take money from they're good enough to respect on their holiday.

first sentence of the first full paragraph

"Background- I don't have the best relationship with my dad. He was verbally, emotionally, and occasionally physically abusive until I went away to college. Since then, he and my mother have separated twice, one for three months, once for over a year. "

nice that relationships are so transactional for you, but other people have lives with compartments, and Dad is capable of understanding, he just chooses not to, because expectations of obedience, respect, tradition, etc? well, that won't work everywhere.

 

[zon]

Your father sounds like a piece of shit. You don't owe him a damn thing. He's the one who owes you for the abuse he put you through.

 

[hokahey]

It's not being hipster. It's about not being emotionally attached to a single day and understanding your children have lives too.

Yeah I'd call that being hipster. A lot of parents take Mother/Father's Day seriously. It's ok to be emotionally attached to a holiday. It's not ok to change plans on someone last minute. That's rude. Period. Especially when it's family.

 

[John Rabbit]

you are ostensibly in some way spending a portion of your father's money on spending time with your friend instead of seeing him for Father's Day like you originally (and very specifically) planned to be suited to your best interests. the entire story sounds like you very consciously manipulated the situation to be as comfortable for you as possible, with little regard to your parent's wishes. i can see why he'd be upset.

i understand there is a history of abuse here which complicates matters further, but really this just sounds like something you're enduring for the sake of being out on your own. probably time to ask for a raise or find a new job.

 

[hokahey]

first sentence of the first full paragraph

"Background- I don't have the best relationship with my dad. He was verbally, emotionally, and occasionally physically abusive until I went away to college. Since then, he and my mother have separated twice, one for three months, once for over a year. "

nice that relationships are so transactional for you, but other people have lives with compartments, and Dad is capable of understanding, he just chooses not to, because expectations of obedience, respect, tradition, etc?

Yeah, that doesn't say anything about habitually beating his ass. Sorry.

But again, if he's so awful, stop taking his momey.

 

[RoninChaos]

I'm sorry, I have to stress that having your parents pay for school at a time when student debt is at an all time high and is so crushing that people can't start their lives after they get out of school is a god send. I would have KILLED to have my folks pay for my school but we grew up poor and my dad was a deadbeat. Your parents are setting you up to have a much better starting point in life than every person I know, and apparently, a good chunk of 20-Somethings out there struggling with school and with debt. Show the fuck up on Father's Day, be gracious and stay the whole time. Or stop taking his money.

 

[Kieli]

Sounds like someone I'd ignore.

Surprised you haven't cut that toxicity out of your life.

 

[hokahey]

you are ostensibly in some way spending a portion of your father's money on spending time with your friend instead of seeing him for Father's Day like you originally (and very specifically) planned to be suited to your best interests. the entire story sounds like you very consciously manipulated the situation to be as comfortable for you as possible, with little regard to your parent's wishes. i can see why he'd be upset.

i understand there is a history of abuse here which complicates matters further, but really this just sounds like something you're enduring for the sake of being out on your own. probably time to ask for a raise or find a new job.

My thoughts exactly, but said much better.

 

[Harpuia]

Dealing with your dad seems to be a delicate game. While I don't think you should be guilty in terms of going to the party an leaving early it's easy to see why that sat poorly with your dad. You TRIED but your dad doesn't see it that way and instead took it as being completely ungrateful.

Guilty should not be what you're feeling but I would've been more careful and thought 2 steps ahead, taking your dad's feelings and thoughts into consideration.

Hopefully this doesn't affect any future interactions. But it most likely will. :/

 

[Zakalwe]

Yeah I'd call that being hipster. A lot of parents take Mother/Father's Day seriously. It's ok to be emotionally attached to a holiday. It's not ok to change plans on someone last minute. That's rude. Period. Especially when it's family.

Call it what you want pal, commercial holidays don't dictate when I show affection to the people I care about.

Your relationships are good, gratz. OP clearly has a very different relationship with his father, who has abused him in the past and is emotionally manipulating him now.

OP doesn't owe any respect to a person like that.

But again, if he's so awful, stop taking his momey.

The money is an agreement they made regarding good grades. It's separate, and OP is keeping up his end.

It doesn't mean he's obliged to do anything else, and any parent that would think otherwise is a pretty shitty parent.

 

[akira28]

Yeah, that doesn't say anything about habitually beating his ass. Sorry.

But again, if he's so awful, stop taking his momey.

"hey I give you money the least you can do is treat me like a family member!"

hm. well if that works for you, stay away from my daughters and sons.

most parents don't give their offspring assistance with strings based on emotional blackmail. They help their kids because they want their children to be successful.

 

[Zakalwe]

"hey I give you money the least you can do is treat me like a family member!"

hm. well if that works for you, stay away from my daughters and sons.

most parents don't give their offspring assistance with strings based on emotional blackmail. They help their kids because they want their children to be successful.

100% right.

 

[Ozigizo]

Call it what you want pal, commercial holidays don't dictate when I show affection to the people I care about.

Your relationships are good, gratz. OP clearly has a very different relationship with his father, who has abused him in the past and is emotionally manipulating him now.

How old are you?

 

[hokahey]

"hey I give you money the least you can do is treat me like a family member!"

hm. well if that works for you, stay away from my daughters and sons.

most parents don't give their offspring assistance with strings based on emotional blackmail. They help their kids because they want their children to be successful.

Decent people don't take from people they don't intend to treat properly. Simple as that.

 

[Zakalwe]

How old are you?

What does that have to do with anything?

Decent people don't take from people they don't intend to treat properly. Simple as that.

It's a completely separate deal. They made a bargain: money for grades.

It has nothing to do with anything else. OP is making good on his end.

 

[ColdPizza]

"hey I give you money the least you can do is treat me like a family member!"

hm. well if that works for you, stay away from my daughters and sons.

most parents don't give their offspring assistance with strings based on emotional blackmail. They help their kids because they want their children to be successful.

I've borrowed from my dad and he's done this. Has held money over my head. I know how that goes. Never again.

 

[Baby Snakes]

Saying you are "choosing" your friends over him is something a teenager would say. Your dad is being immature. You made time for him, which is more than a lot of people who had that kind of history with their dad would do. I don't think you've done anything wrong. If he wants to throw a fit, that's on him.

But if you leaving an hour early is such a big deal to him and it's important to you or your mom to see him, would visiting him on Sunday be an option? Maybe after church?