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[Pizoxuat]

I can deal with the depression. Sometimes it wears me down but a night of video games usually fills me back up. She sometimes drains me but I can recover quite quickly.

Have you told her this? To this level of bluntness? It might help alleviate some of her depression guilt.

 

[Raist]

Yeah, uh, holy shit.

OP, if she's concerned about going to a professional alone, you could always suggest couples' therapy. It might be helpful to go on that journey together. I will just say, though, as someone with mental health issues, telling me I just need to do something when I don't have the energy to do it is not going to help. At all. And I mean, even if she did do all those things she wants to do, that doesn't mean she's going to suddenly be not depressed. She might feel a bit better, but if she has depression, professional help is going to do a hell of a lot more for it than working out or going to grad school.

Yep, this.
Read anything on depression, including professional stuff, and that will always come up "do things you enjoy, do some exercise!" etc.
It's actually not always helping, and can make it worse. It depends on people I guess.

 

[kronose]

You have to want to help yourself tho...

This is the key right here. Things go bad for everyone, some more than others. She needs to look at the bright side of life instead of the bad things. So you can try to help all you want but it sounds mental on her part right now. She needs to break out of her funk, and it's on you whether you love her enough to stay with her while she does it, or tries to, but there's no guarantee she will either way.

 

[Llyranor]

If she wants to try then I will try and go with the CBT option,maybe not now but down the road, and suggest some I've already been researching. If she says no to this then I will call it l quits and break this up. That's about what I've thought so far.

I think this is reasonable.

 

[JoseLopez]

Then why word it in such a way? Depression effects people in different and harder ways. To simply say she isn't doing her part is unfair.

I had depression so bad I would lock myself in for weeks at a time but eventually I put effort into fixing my life. My point is op can only help her so much until she has to do something and she clearly has commitment issues. She needs a psychiatrist not her boyfriend.

 

[Beefy]

I can deal with the depression. Sometimes it wears me down but a night of video games usually fills me back up. She sometimes drains me but I can recover quite quickly.

Stay strong for her. Suggest CBT or even talking to other like minded people. It's hard because I don't know where you live. In the UK I joined a thing called Steps to Well Being. It started of with them just calling me each week to have a chat. Until I felt comfy with them, it then went onto face to face therapy.

 

[Somnid]

I feel compelled to comment here as my wife is eerily similar (which somewhat confirms that this is not so uncommon). Not that I feel my relationship is ending mind you, but she frequently deals with depression, grew up in foster care and has no relationship with her parents. She also has anxiety over her career, was married before and the guy cheated on her. She feels very much the same way, that I shouldn't be with her and that her life is going nowhere. I've been trying very hard to get her on meds, not that I expect them to fix things but I feel she needs something to just help. The issue I face wit this is that she's had a couple previously instances with psychiatrists where she got up and left because they kept trying to treat her as a case rather than a person and so now she has an aversion to seeing doctors.

But what I do know is that when she says things like she wants to breakup, it's not what she really wants. It's an overwhelming feeling of uselessness and helplessness. So to the OP, I don't think there is much to do or say, it's not about rationalness, that simply doesn't factor in. It's just oppressive feelings that over overpower anything else. Hang in there, and see if you can't push her toward getting some medical help and try not to let the rest of it get to you. It can be a challenge but I think you can make it work.

 

[Relix]

Have you told her this? To this level of bluntness? It might help alleviate some of her depression guilt.

I have. It has a certain effect but she insists she's damaging me. I've tried to tell her I can handle that and 5 times more but it still doesn't get through the layer of depression.

 

[VendettaRed07]

I am gonna try the CBT bullet. Nothing more to lose I guess. Gonna call her tonight and basically offer this (as much as some of these options pain me) :

"I don't want to break up with you, but if you are so sure then I will grant you that and we go our merry ways always offering my support "

So if she says she wants to break up then that's it. Not gonna fight it.

If she wants to try then I will try and go with the CBT option,maybe not now but down the road, and suggest some I've already been researching. If she says no to this then I will call it l quits and break this up. That's about what I've thought so far.

This is a bad idea and I would not suggest it. Be adamant about finding professional help first. If you really want to stay with her that is. Giving her a choice like that at this point she isn't going to lead to any positive outcome.

 

[Des0lar]

Is she on any drugs?

 

[80s Bad Guy]

It's tough. I mean, it's easy for us to say just make her get help and stick with her. But that kind of depression brings down every one around you and the constant effort to keep them upbeat is exhausting. You have every right to take a break from that.

As long as you're confident you did everything you could to make her seek professional help.

 

[Pizoxuat]

I have. It has a certain effect but she insists she's damaging me. I've tried to tell her I can handle that and 5 times more but it still doesn't get through the layer of depression.

That makes sense. I think CBT could help her a lot, and I hope she will be willing to give it a shot. It sounds like you guys have a good bond beneath her layer of mental illness.

 

[Beefy]

I had depression so bad I would lock myself in for weeks at a time but eventually I put effort into fixing my life. My point is op can only help her so much until she has to do something and she clearly has commitment issues. She needs a psychiatrist not her boyfriend.

She needs both. OP has said he can cope with her depression. To have strong people around you helps. Often when you are depressed you say things you don't mean, this sounds like this is the case.

 

[Relix]

I feel compelled to comment here as my wife is eerily similar (which somewhat confirms that this is not so uncommon). Not that I feel my relationship is ending mind you, but she frequently deals with depression, grew up in foster care and has no relationship with her parents. She also has anxiety over her career, was married before and the guy cheated on her. She feels very much the same way, that I shouldn't be with her and that her life is going nowhere. I've been trying very hard to get her on meds, not that I expect them to fix things but I feel she needs something to just help. The issue I face wit this is that she's had a couple previously instances with psychiatrists where she got up and left because they kept trying to treat her as a case rather than a person and so now she has an aversion to seeing doctors.

But what I do know is that when she says things like she wants to breakup, it's not what she really wants. It's an overwhelming feeling of uselessness and helplessness. So to the OP, I don't think there is much to do or say, it's not about rationalness, that simply doesn't factor in. It's just oppressive feelings that over overpower anything else. Hang in there, and see if you can't push her toward getting some medical help and try not to let the rest of it get to you. It can be a challenge but I think you can make it work.

Wow this is very good post. Thanks a lot. So this specific case is not that uncommon. Geesh.

Is she on any drugs?[/QUOTE
She suffers from rheumatoid arthritis but she hasn't been taking the pills until I basically begged her to a few weeks ago, but only that.

 

[Beefy]

Wow this is very good post. Thanks a lot. So this specific case is not that uncommon. Geesh.

CBT is great that way. They treat the causes instead of the condition. I had different therapies before it and felt like I was being made out to be a thing instead of a person needing help. One was so bad she blew up balloons and drew faces on them and made me act as if they were people. CBT talked about my past and how I came to get my depression/anxiety.

 

[NervousXtian]

My advice, bail. Sorry that sounds harsh and all, but life is too damn short to forcefully surround yourself with this stuff.

You can't change people, only people can change themselves. Welcome to the rest of your life, is this what you want, to be around a miserable person?

I feel for depressed people, and I've helped friends through it before, but at a certain point you have to do what is best for yourself, not just them.

It's not your obligation in life to save everyone. We live once, there are happy people out there that can reciprocate your love in meaningful and fulfilling ways.

 

[CapitalismSucks DonkeyBalls]

She suffers from rheumatoid arthritis but she hasn't been taking the pills until I basically begged her to a few weeks ago, but only that.

OP, you can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves. You can't force your will onto people and expect that to be what fixes them. You're doing what you can, but the onus is on her to take those steps herself.

 

[TheGraykid]

Some people aren't in a state where they can be in a relationship, she's clearly not. If she's not willing to do anything to even make an attempt to try and get better then you need to think about leaving. You're in an unhealthy relationship right now, and you deserve more than that. You can't be someone's father/physiatrist/boyfriend.

 

[Mammoth Jones]

You are not responsible for someone else's happiness. So if you're not getting what you need out of the relationship then you should get out and not feel obligated.

 

[Raist]

You can't change people, only people can change themselves.

OP, you can't help someone who isn't willing to help themselves.

I find these views extremely sad, and not true at all.
Because sometimes "helping people" means giving them space and letting them do the first step instead of "pushing" things on them.

Relix, do you think she's generally a fairly independent person? I would suspect so from things about her past I've read in previous posts, but I don't know how accurate they are, and I obviously can't tell if that's the case.

 

[Relix]

I find these views extremely sad, and not true at all.
Because sometimes "helping people" means giving them space and letting them do the first step instead of "pushing" things on them.

Relix, do you think she's generally a fairly independent person? I would suspect so from things about her past I've read in previous posts, but I don't know how accurate they are, and I obviously can't tell if that's the case.

Yes she was, very.

 

[Somnid]

Wow this is very good post. Thanks a lot. So this specific case is not that uncommon. Geesh.

She suffers from rheumatoid arthritis but she hasn't been taking the pills until I basically begged her to a few weeks ago, but only that.

Another thing I'll add. It may very well be the case that because of her experiences she expects the relationship to end, either because you'll stop putting up with her or maybe being cheated on gave her trust issues. Coupled with anxiety these feelings can be extremely taxing and she may be saying those things because at that point it probably sounds good to never have to deal with them again by breaking up.

My wife also is very independent, so much so that even suggesting things can lead to arguments because she feels I'm accusing her of things or telling her what to do. You'd know you SO best, but pushing doesn't necessarily work especially if they have trust or authority issues (common in kids from broken households). I wish I found a magic bullet for this but I haven't yet, sometimes it's just giving some (but not too much) space.

 

[The_Kid]

If you do decide to break up with her, I wouldn't let on even a little that her depression is the reason for it. If someone is in a mental state like that and can't get out of it, feeling like that mental state really is pushing people you care about away will probably only make her isolate herself more.

 

[CapitalismSucks DonkeyBalls]

If you do decide to break up with her, I wouldn't let on even a little that her depression is the reason for it. If someone is in a mental state like that and can't get out of it, feeling like that mental state really is pushing people you care about away will probably only make her isolate herself more.

The problem is that depression exacerbates feelings of self-blame and breaking up for whatever arbitrary reason would just be internalized by the depressed person. Unfortunately, there's no route but being honest.

 

[Raist]

Yes she was, very.

Yep so essentially, being "pushy", be it for trying to do things or keeping saying that it's all fine is likely going to be very counter-productive.

As you've noted it's not her talking, but her depression. Trying this approach with someone who's got an independent mind is only going to increase her guilt and "fake" feeling that she'd rather you let her go. It is also very difficult for people like her to accept that they need help when they've built their whole life around a need for independence, especially from sentimental/familial causes.

My best advice to you would be to be extremely patient, as in give her some space, and if there's a hint of her wanting to do something, reel it in but be very cautious and gentle.

Also, meds WILL help her, but they're hell at first very often, so be wary of that. For such a person I would also think that a psychiatrist is NOT the right person to go. She should try a psychologist. Also, you mentioned academic failures, so if she's works at a university, there are often councelling services that could be a good first start. Although that might not be the case in every country, dunno where you live.

 

[Beefy]

Yep so essentially, being "pushy", be it for trying to do things or keeping saying that it's all fine is likely going to be very counter-productive.

As you've noted it's not her talking, but her depression. Trying this approach with someone who's got an independent mind is only going to increase her guilt and "fake" feeling that she'd rather you let her go. It is also very difficult for people like her to accept that they need help when they've built their whole life around a need for independence, especially from sentimental/familial causes.

My best advice to you would be to be extremely patient, as in give her some space, and if there's a hint of her wanting to do something, reel it in but be very cautious and gentle.

Also, meds WILL help her, but they're hell at first very often, so be wary of that. For such a person I would also think that a psychiatrist is NOT the right person to go. She should try a psychologist. Also, you mentioned academic failures, so if she's works at a university, there are often councelling services that could be a good first start. Although that might not be the case in every country, dunno where you live.

Yep. It's why a lot of depressed people become isolated/independant, they see it as you are better off alone as you won't hurt anyone with your illness. They end up trying to push away the people they love the most away because they feel they are the problem. Because of this when a loved one or friend tries to help but pushes to hard it feels like they are getting up in your face or in your territory so you push back.

 

[Omnii-chan]

Sounds like damaged goods, OP.

As someone who has studied mental health, I find this to be an utterly disgusting sentence.

OP tell her everything you said in your post so she knows how you feel, be extremely open with her.

Tell her you will stick by her and that you want to do so.

Encourage her every little achievement or step taken to better herself, listen to her problems and be as accommodating to her needs as possible.

If she hasn't already talked to a professional I strongly recommend it.
I think if she started cognitive behavioural therapy it could really help.
CBT is about noticing negative patterns in your thoughts, a professional could help her begin to notice what behaviours set these negative trains of thought and she could start to do things to bounce back from them.

She sounds like a very smart and ambitious person. Her past shouldn't shape who she is.

I wish the both of you the best of luck.

 

[Sesha]

Can't help you, OP.

Only thing I can say is, speaking as someone whose depression has ruined relationships, losing those relationships only made me feel worse, and made me want to isolate and detach myself from people even more.

 

[The Wall]

I PM'd you.

Best wishes.

 

[NervousXtian]

I find these views extremely sad, and not true at all.
Because sometimes "helping people" means giving them space and letting them do the first step instead of "pushing" things on them.

Relix, do you think she's generally a fairly independent person? I would suspect so from things about her past I've read in previous posts, but I don't know how accurate they are, and I obviously can't tell if that's the case.

It is true though, sorry. The problem that people always make is thinking only about the depressed person and the not the people surrounding them and the damage done to them.

I feel for people that are depressed, but if their depression is directly effecting me negatively, that's a problem to me. Why is there happiness more important then just mine long term?

This whole don't push, give space, be supportive.. all that is great.. but when it goes on long term is it really helping? Is making yourself depressed, frustrated, etc worth the effort?

We live one time, being in an unhealthy relationship isn't the best use of our time. I get short-term depression, but long-term it hardly ever becomes worth it.

Sometimes moving on is the best for everyone.

 

[Raist]

It is true though, sorry. The problem that people always make is thinking only about the depressed person and the not the people surrounding them and the damage done to them.

I feel for people that are depressed, but if their depression is directly effecting me negatively, that's a problem to me. Why is there happiness more important then just mine long term?

This whole don't push, give space, be supportive.. all that is great.. but when it goes on long term is it really helping? Is making yourself depressed, frustrated, etc worth the effort?

We live one time, being in an unhealthy relationship isn't the best use of our time. I get short-term depression, but long-term it hardly ever becomes worth it.

Sometimes moving on is the best for everyone.

Whatever is best for anyone. I find sweeping generalizations extremely irritating, no matter the topic, but especially about something as delicate and serious as health issues.

 

[AlStrong]

I am scared she could consider suicide.

Ask about this now.

 

[OG_Original Gamer]

She needs the apologies that she may not have gotten from those who have hurt her. She feels worthless because of her upbringing.

My wife suffers from depression, she's gotten better because I apologized for them. Although it's not as good as having the actual person that has hurt them, it helped.

 

[Mechanized]

Bail. This isn't your problem. You're dealing with shit she needs to sort out herself.

 

[Lambtron]

It is true though, sorry. The problem that people always make is thinking only about the depressed person and the not the people surrounding them and the damage done to them.

I feel for people that are depressed, but if their depression is directly effecting me negatively, that's a problem to me. Why is there happiness more important then just mine long term?

This whole don't push, give space, be supportive.. all that is great.. but when it goes on long term is it really helping? Is making yourself depressed, frustrated, etc worth the effort?

We live one time, being in an unhealthy relationship isn't the best use of our time. I get short-term depression, but long-term it hardly ever becomes worth it.

Sometimes moving on is the best for everyone.

I take meds, I've gone to therapy, my depression doesn't magically go away. I know sometimes it's tough for my partner, but she knows that it's not as simple as "be happy now!" It's not a zero sum game either. I assure you, that person with depression constantly feels worse about how it affects you than how you feel about it.

Bail. This isn't your problem. You're dealing with shit she needs to sort out herself.

Fucking empathy, how does it work?

 

[Xe4]

I had the exact reverse happen to me. I was depressed and my gf left me to try to make it better. So I responded by acting like a complete asshole, stupidly...

 

[esms]

We all take on the burdens of our SOs, however large or small they may be. Ask yourself if you can truly be happy with your life while shouldering her baggage.

If you can, stick with it. I have no advice for you (more experienced in dealing with physical as opposed mental ailments.)

If you can't, you know what you have to do.

 

[Rktk]

I was in a relationship with someone who has depression, she goes to therapy, takes medication but still has and had periods of being completely down and would sometimes lash out, very unpredictable. For a time I was ok with it, and honestly I didn't mind getting calls at 2am with her crying and me calming her down, but what happened was that she was an emotional black hole that left nothing for me and whatever I would be dealing with. I could never feel that she could support me, I felt I had to be there for her constantly. There were other things that lead to the relationship ending but I couldn't do that again, you can't be putting more into something than what you get out of it, over time it's exhausting.

It is hard, because I was worried about what would happen without me being there, she would occassionally teeter on suicidal, but in the end it was costing me too much, and maybe it will for you OP. Maybe you can still be there for her if the relationship ends, that's what I did.

 

[Pezking]

We all take on the burdens of our SOs, however large or small they may be. Ask yourself if you can truly be happy with your life while shouldering her baggage.

If you can, stick with it. I have no advice for you (more experienced in dealing with physical as opposed mental ailments.)

If you can't, you know what you have to do.

This is a great advice.

Tell her that you love her unconditionally (if that's the case). Maybe she just needs to know that your affection towards her has absolutely nothing to to with her having a successful career.
If she does - that's great!
If not - not a big deal, there are more important things in life.
Who knows, maybe she'd be a great stay-at-home-mom?

I believe that this could take a lot of pressure away from her and give her the strength necessary to pursue certain goals. Besides professional help of course.

 

[spock]

Kudos to you for willing to try and help, stay, etc. If you really want to make it work here's an approach you can try but you have to be legit in it...

Accept her as she is completely. Take off the expectations of her and be willing to lover her without changing her...

If you can do that, the next step is to convey that to her. Let her know its ok, she is who she is. If and when she wants to do something you're there. And if she doesnt, your still there...You might have to reinforce this level of acceptance because most have hard time believing someone could have that for them GENUINELY...

Remove all the pressure and judgements. See if it creates a a space for her to maybe get some energy.

Its a tall order given the issues she has. But from my own experience and from others Ive talked to in long term relationships (10 years+), expectations (different values, goals, etc) and hoping a person "changes" in some way is highly like to cause problems the longer things go and the image of you, your other and the live have in mind dont match up.

On the flip side if you can fully accept someone (cough...for better or for worse) and not worry about them changing but willing to help them to do so things can be pretty fantastic and smooth long term. But this applies to both sides, obviously the other person has to feel the same way.

This is something you have to go all in. Kind of why love can be called love...

The danger/downside in this situation is if she doesnt feel worth of that level of love.But dont assume thats how she will feel.

 

[spock]

This is a great advice.

Tell her that you love her unconditionally (if that's the case). Maybe she just needs to know that your affection towards her has absolutely nothing to to with her having a successful career.
If she does - that's great!
If not - not a big deal, there are more important things in life.
Who knows, maybe she'd be a great stay-at-home-mom?

I believe that this could take a lot of pressure away from her and give her the strength necessary to pursue certain goals. Besides professional help of course.

We literally posted the same advice at the same time...little bit of universal synchronicity there...

 

[Akuun]

I don't think you should go through with it.

You know it's her depression talking and her trying to self-destruct because of it. You don't sound tired of supporting her, or have any other reason for wanting to leave her. To me, it sounds like you've been hearing her self-destructive talk for so long that you're starting to believe it even when you know it's not true, and you're starting to want to follow it even when you know it's exactly the wrong direction to go.

Have both of you go into therapy (this is more for her than for you) and try to walk her through this. You know that breaking up and giving up on everything is not the direction either of you want her to go in, and it sounds like you do want to help her through this. So keep on supporting her to get her out of it.

Accept her as she is completely. Take off the expectations of her and be willing to lover her without changing her...

If you can do that, the next step is to convey that to her. Let her know its ok, she is who she is. If and when she wants to do something you're there. And if she doesnt, your still there...You might have to reinforce this level of acceptance because most have hard time believing someone could have that for them GENUINELY...

This is super important. Part of her depression may be because she feels like her current "state" is unacceptable to you, and therefore her simply existing is a bad thing. Make her feel accepted and loved even as she is, so that she has a safe foundation to stand on while she deals with her problems.

 

[Omegasquash]

We all take on the burdens of our SOs, however large or small they may be. Ask yourself if you can truly be happy with your life while shouldering her baggage.

If you can, stick with it. I have no advice for you (more experienced in dealing with physical as opposed mental ailments.)

If you can't, you know what you have to do.

I'll add to this: don't feel like you need to hide who you are, either. If she's not sharing in any joy that you have for hitting goals, moving up in life, just be mindful of resentment. It's a vicious thing, and it tends to be explosive. Just something to keep in your back pocket.

 

[NervousXtian]

I take meds, I've gone to therapy, my depression doesn't magically go away. I know sometimes it's tough for my partner, but she knows that it's not as simple as "be happy now!" It's not a zero sum game either. I assure you, that person with depression constantly feels worse about how it affects you than how you feel about it.


Fucking empathy, how does it work?

Empathy goes both ways though. This relationship effects 2 different people. If all the support is going only one way, that's not fair either.

Also, I get this:

I assure you, that person with depression constantly feels worse about how it affects you than how you feel about it.

..but you also have to understand how unfair of a situation that is for the other party being effected.

You can't tell me it's worse for me than it is you, so please understand, because it completely discounts what the other person is feeling.

Again, I'm not talking short-term depression due to shit that happens, but longer term clinical depression. Life has ups and downs, but if there's not enough ups to go with the downs, you need to really look at what you want out of life.

I'll add to this: don't feel like you need to hide who you are, either. If she's not sharing in any joy that you have for hitting goals, moving up in life, just be mindful of resentment. It's a vicious thing, and it tends to be explosive. Just something to keep in your back pocket.

This is important too.

 

[ramparter]

She knows what she has to do (workout, go try and study for her master's, apply to a new job that fulfills her) but she doesn't have the energy to go through to make these actions.

That's the problem. This is probably what you or everyone else close to her thinks but she needs serious help.

 

[NervousXtian]

That's the problem. This is probably what you or everyone else close to her thinks but she needs serious help.

She might, but I will say in some of my earlier years when I was depressed I just needed a kick in the ass to get the fuck out of the house and do shit.

 

[Teriyaki Blues]

It might not all be the depression, has she had a full blood workup recently including vitamin levels, diabetes screening, and thyroid testing (T3, T4, and antibodies)?

Ruling out an underlying physical cause might be helpful just for her peace of mind while she starts exercise, therapy and medication (if prescribed). I'd also point her to a good online guide toward meditation, there's one on this forum.

 

[sketchsanchez]

So my marriage ended exactly because of your situation. She had severe depression and anxiety, wouldn't leave the house, never did anything around the house so I basically took care of EVERYTHING and grew to resent her even though I know it wasn't her fault. Like your so she hated herself and felt nothing Good was out there for her and once I started feeling resentful it made her feel worse.

So we fell out of love but we still loved each other if that makes sense? Basically, towards the end we were like roommates and best friends and not lovers.

We're still friends, I'll always love her but it was for the best that we ended it. It may be the best thing for both of you too.

I became her crutch and she wasn't going to get any "better" and she knew this. Ending it was the best thing for both of us as now she has an actual job and is doing things and I'm super happy for her.

 

[Lambtron]

Again, I'm not talking short-term depression due to shit that happens, but longer term clinical depression. Life has ups and downs, but if there's not enough ups to go with the downs, you need to really look at what you want out of life.

Clinical depression isn't the fucking blues. It's a chronic illness. I'd like a lot of things out of life that just aren't all that feasible for me because of my mental illnesses. Would you break up with someone because they had celiac disease, and gosh darn it, it's just too tough to deal with their dietary restrictions?

I mean, whatever. You can do what you want. Just realize you come across as crass as hell.

 

[NervousXtian]

Clinical depression isn't the fucking blues. It's a chronic illness. I'd like a lot of things out of life that just aren't all that feasible for me because of my mental illnesses. Would you break up with someone because they had celiac disease, and gosh darn it, it's just too tough to deal with their dietary restrictions?

I mean, whatever. You can do what you want. Just realize you come across as crass as hell.

Dealing with someones dietary issues isn't the same as dealing with someone who causes emotional harm. If the relationship is unhealthy then yes, I'd break up with them if that doesn't seem like it will go away.

Not giving my wife/GF gluten is just a nuisance at best, it does nothing harmful to me.