Windows 8.1 is not a trainwreck at all I've worked in IT and have installed it on hundreds of machines I've never ran into any navigation issues. I've used it on desktops, all in ones, laptops, and desktops. It also intelligently switches between metro and desktop mode at startup so you don't have to jump back and forth between the two UI's. The navigation is as simple as windows 7 and in some cases easier because of things like the charm bar.
I'm not sure what laptops you use but I've never run into these major throttling problems with any laptop I've used which have included business series Lenovo laptops, Dell business series laptops, HP's envy line, Macbook Pro's, Dell's Inspiron Line, Alienware's m11x line, eeePC netbooks, and others.
I'm also not sure what you mean by "something wrong with them". An average consumer could go day to day for web browsing, word processing, entertainment, and other day to day tasks on a $600 without ever running into an issue. A lock of a SSD, soddered ram, or whatever else you're talking about are far from issues they have no real impact on the average user.
Also there are plenty of laptops that would outperform a random i5 dell from staples albeit at a higher price point that's just hyperbole.
Finally, who needs a 27" monster and why can't you plug the laptop into your 27" monitor?