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The NeoGAF Poetry Corner - Challenge #32: Two Sides Of An Epic Coin Toss
- Thread starter Ashes
- Start date
- Status
Neutrality
Member
*grumble grumble mumble mumble*
I know...
Anywhoooo.
1st - Tim for Stardust
2nd - Booooootay for Corpse Lights
3rd - Ashes for Angry Young Men
hm. Miri, Miri, and Miri.
I know...
Anywhoooo.
1st - Tim for Stardust
2nd - Booooootay for Corpse Lights
3rd - Ashes for Angry Young Men
hm. Miri, Miri, and Miri.
Tim the Wiz
Banned
1. Bootaaay - Corpse Lights
2. Ashes - Angry Young Men
3. AnkitT - If only
2. Ashes - Angry Young Men
3. AnkitT - If only
British Monsoon
Member
1. Tim the Wiz - Stardust
2. soultron - Embodied in Copper
3. AnkitT - If Only...
HM; Miri - Shallow Gouge, Ashes - Hometown Glory, Toodles - The Party
2. soultron - Embodied in Copper
3. AnkitT - If Only...
HM; Miri - Shallow Gouge, Ashes - Hometown Glory, Toodles - The Party
Compliments & Critiques:
AnkitT (placeholder): I liked the rhyming scheme, but it forced a quicker pace than I felt was necessary with an already short poem. I do like the message you're trying to convey though.
AnkitT (If only): This poem speaks to me on a personal level because I have a lot of regrets too. The imagery was great, especially the line "tears evaporating before existing."
Miri (Wander): I loved the closing line. I feel short poems typically lack punch, however. Your writing is great, but I feel a longer format really allows you to showcase that.
Miri (Shallow): The open and close are fantastic. I'm unsure if Perseveria is the one speaking, but the character speaking is crafted and established quickly with the dialogue you gave her. The lines
You claim me the devil,
But the devils only in those who desire me.
Like flint to the fire, see;
really stood out. I enjoyed this poem a lot. I feel the longer format really benefits you, like I mentioned before.
Tim the Wiz (Stardust): Structurally, I'm not sure if you were going for an alternating rhyming scheme, but it worked out nicely. Because I was analyzing this poem in that sense as soon as I started reading it, I couldn't get a good rhythm from it. However, your imagery is fantastic. It's taking me a few read-throughs to fully understand it, but the close is phenomenal.
Ashes (Hometown Glory): I really felt that you have a personal connection to the riots. I'm guessing you live in one of the affected areas in London? I really enjoyed the fact that you packaged a timely and topical account of a real-world event into such a great poem. I couldn't really relate to your rhapsody (mainly because it went into so much detail, and I really didn't feel a rhythmic focus... could've been the formatting) but I thought this poem was excellent. Blacker bags and a whiter flag was the standout bit.
Toodles (The Party): I feel like you just came back from the events you described in your poem. It's an instantly relatable situation. The bit in parentheses was very jarring, however. It wasn't needed really. It re-grounded the writing in reality, when what I was enjoying was your poetic train of thought. Good read. It really nails the theme quite literally. I wasn't too exactly sure as to where your character was in his approach of this girl though; having approach anxiety, not getting a response from her yet, or maybe it was the moment in time before she opened her mouth for a response.
Bootaaay (Either Or): Fantastic rhythm. Excellent use of the theme. You nailed everything that was set forth in the challenge with this poem, in my opinion. It's also a good read, which is nice. Not much more needs to be said: top vote from me.
Bootaay (Corpse Lights): I enjoyed this poem a lot. The imagery and word choices were very nice. However, I felt that Either Or did a lot more in regards to addressing the theme and the goals of this challenge.
Neutrality (About a Queen): This poem almost read like a long-form epitaph, because of the subject matter. It was an inspiring and enjoyable read about someone almost celebrating their exit because they know others will celebrate that person even after they're gone. The lines "Well it's been three weeks, since we've last seen your eyes
It has been three weeks, since we've last felt alive," are absolutely grand. I didn't get a great sense of rhythm, but there were moments where it actually worked.
Divine (Life or Death): This poem didn't really do much for me, unfortunately. I made the assumption that it was a Batman poem when the name was mentioned. The theme was taken literally, which was nice, but the fact that the coin toss was cheapened by multiple tosses deflated any impact of the outcome. The revolver bit had me excited because I thought it was going to lead to suicide... which would've been a much more weighty outcome, even if a touch cliche.
----
Votes:
1. Bootaaay. Either Or.
2. Neutrality. About a Queen.
3. Ashes. Hometown Glory.
HM: Tim and Miri.
AnkitT (placeholder): I liked the rhyming scheme, but it forced a quicker pace than I felt was necessary with an already short poem. I do like the message you're trying to convey though.
AnkitT (If only): This poem speaks to me on a personal level because I have a lot of regrets too. The imagery was great, especially the line "tears evaporating before existing."
Miri (Wander): I loved the closing line. I feel short poems typically lack punch, however. Your writing is great, but I feel a longer format really allows you to showcase that.
Miri (Shallow): The open and close are fantastic. I'm unsure if Perseveria is the one speaking, but the character speaking is crafted and established quickly with the dialogue you gave her. The lines
You claim me the devil,
But the devils only in those who desire me.
Like flint to the fire, see;
really stood out. I enjoyed this poem a lot. I feel the longer format really benefits you, like I mentioned before.
Tim the Wiz (Stardust): Structurally, I'm not sure if you were going for an alternating rhyming scheme, but it worked out nicely. Because I was analyzing this poem in that sense as soon as I started reading it, I couldn't get a good rhythm from it. However, your imagery is fantastic. It's taking me a few read-throughs to fully understand it, but the close is phenomenal.
Ashes (Hometown Glory): I really felt that you have a personal connection to the riots. I'm guessing you live in one of the affected areas in London? I really enjoyed the fact that you packaged a timely and topical account of a real-world event into such a great poem. I couldn't really relate to your rhapsody (mainly because it went into so much detail, and I really didn't feel a rhythmic focus... could've been the formatting) but I thought this poem was excellent. Blacker bags and a whiter flag was the standout bit.
Toodles (The Party): I feel like you just came back from the events you described in your poem. It's an instantly relatable situation. The bit in parentheses was very jarring, however. It wasn't needed really. It re-grounded the writing in reality, when what I was enjoying was your poetic train of thought. Good read. It really nails the theme quite literally. I wasn't too exactly sure as to where your character was in his approach of this girl though; having approach anxiety, not getting a response from her yet, or maybe it was the moment in time before she opened her mouth for a response.
Bootaaay (Either Or): Fantastic rhythm. Excellent use of the theme. You nailed everything that was set forth in the challenge with this poem, in my opinion. It's also a good read, which is nice. Not much more needs to be said: top vote from me.
Bootaay (Corpse Lights): I enjoyed this poem a lot. The imagery and word choices were very nice. However, I felt that Either Or did a lot more in regards to addressing the theme and the goals of this challenge.
Neutrality (About a Queen): This poem almost read like a long-form epitaph, because of the subject matter. It was an inspiring and enjoyable read about someone almost celebrating their exit because they know others will celebrate that person even after they're gone. The lines "Well it's been three weeks, since we've last seen your eyes
It has been three weeks, since we've last felt alive," are absolutely grand. I didn't get a great sense of rhythm, but there were moments where it actually worked.
Divine (Life or Death): This poem didn't really do much for me, unfortunately. I made the assumption that it was a Batman poem when the name was mentioned. The theme was taken literally, which was nice, but the fact that the coin toss was cheapened by multiple tosses deflated any impact of the outcome. The revolver bit had me excited because I thought it was going to lead to suicide... which would've been a much more weighty outcome, even if a touch cliche.
----
Votes:
1. Bootaaay. Either Or.
2. Neutrality. About a Queen.
3. Ashes. Hometown Glory.
HM: Tim and Miri.
The coin is a metaphor for a relationship and love. Just like with coins, you can get your favoured result many times in a row, but eventually, your luck/love will run out.Ashes1396 said:
The character experiences this after his/her relationship goes sour. But, if s/he hadn't taken the risk in the first place, s/he'd have gained nothing, not even the experience and/or memories.
The character in the poem learns from loss by keeping the experience as a reminder for the next relationship, almost hoping that it will somehow extend their luck in love.
I enjoyed your interpretation though! It's fun to go back and reframe your own work with an interpretation other than your own.
Tim the Wiz
Banned
(Too lazy to do the full count but
Congrats Bootaaay. I thought both poems were worthy of picking up the win, by the way.
Congrats Bootaaay. I thought both poems were worthy of picking up the win, by the way._________________________________________________________________________
The Results
_______________________________________
1. Tim the Wiz - "Stardust" : 12 pts **
2. Bootaaay - "Corpse Lights" : 11 pts ***
3. Bootaaay - "Either or Or?" : 07 pts **
Congrats... Tim the Wiz, who won by the smallest of small margins. An epic toss of the coin you might say. A win is a win nonetheless! And in the midst of top notch stuff. I'm sure Bootaaay will be glad to know he has the rest of the podium all by himself!
_________________________________________________________________________
Full Results
_________________________________________________________________________
1. Tim the Wiz - "Stardust" : 12 pts **
2. Bootaaay - "Corpse Lights" : 11 pts ***
3. Bootaaay - "Either or Or?" : 07 pts **
4. soultron - "Embodied in Copper" 06 pts
5. AnkitT - "If only" : 05 pts *
6. Ashes1396 - "Hometown Glory" 04 pts *
6. Ashes1396 - "Mindless violence? F**k you! - A Youth Cut Rhapsody"
or "ANGRY YOUNG MEN" 04 pts
7. AnkitT - "Placeholder" - 02 pts
7. Neutrality - "About a Queen" - 02 pts
8. Divine - "Life or Death" - 01 pt
_________________________________________________________________________
A big thank you to everyone who put in an entry, commented, provided a critique, voted and took part. Thank you to Miri who bumped this thread reminding me to put in my own entry. And a big thank you to Bootaaay who compiles the archive. Cheers folks. See ya hopefully in the next thread. Hope you enjoyed the stuff this time round...
The Results
_______________________________________
1. Tim the Wiz - "Stardust" : 12 pts **
2. Bootaaay - "Corpse Lights" : 11 pts ***
3. Bootaaay - "Either or Or?" : 07 pts **
Congrats... Tim the Wiz, who won by the smallest of small margins. An epic toss of the coin you might say. A win is a win nonetheless! And in the midst of top notch stuff. I'm sure Bootaaay will be glad to know he has the rest of the podium all by himself!
_________________________________________________________________________
Full Results
_________________________________________________________________________
1. Tim the Wiz - "Stardust" : 12 pts **
2. Bootaaay - "Corpse Lights" : 11 pts ***
3. Bootaaay - "Either or Or?" : 07 pts **
4. soultron - "Embodied in Copper" 06 pts
5. AnkitT - "If only" : 05 pts *
6. Ashes1396 - "Hometown Glory" 04 pts *
6. Ashes1396 - "Mindless violence? F**k you! - A Youth Cut Rhapsody"
or "ANGRY YOUNG MEN" 04 pts
7. AnkitT - "Placeholder" - 02 pts
7. Neutrality - "About a Queen" - 02 pts
8. Divine - "Life or Death" - 01 pt
_________________________________________________________________________
A big thank you to everyone who put in an entry, commented, provided a critique, voted and took part. Thank you to Miri who bumped this thread reminding me to put in my own entry. And a big thank you to Bootaaay who compiles the archive. Cheers folks. See ya hopefully in the next thread. Hope you enjoyed the stuff this time round...
Tim the Wiz
Banned
Oh, I see. Voting works different in these threads due to the creative writing ones limiting you to one entry. Wow, okay. Thanks, guys.
I'm glad you noticed and liked that. It was shaped a lot by where I was going with the last line--which came to me right after the first two. That is, "covenant" doesn't have much in the way of direct rhymes, but I thought it worked well enough with near ones. A nice unplanned result.
Toodles said:
I'm glad you noticed and liked that. It was shaped a lot by where I was going with the last line--which came to me right after the first two. That is, "covenant" doesn't have much in the way of direct rhymes, but I thought it worked well enough with near ones. A nice unplanned result.
Ashes1396 said:
The whole thing was one big metaphor for the battle between perseverance and the fear of rejection/change/loss etc....etc.... They're sisters to symbolize 'one mind.' Perseveria/perseverance is the one receiving the blows without much of a concern because that's usually how it works out. Fear is rationalizing her methods because that also has a habit of happening. And the 'battle field of failed bodies' around them is meant to make for all of the 'minds' who didn't make it, so to speak.
I'm disappointed that it didn't seem to work out, but I can see how it wasn't conveyed clearly enough, and am already seeing ways that I could have done it so much better. That's working at it for ya alright.
Congrats on the win, Tim.
British Monsoon
Member
- Status