Himuro said:So what happened to make you try drugs? That's typically not the type of thing I imagine a devout Christian doing. :lol
I think it was a combination of things. I remember after christmas break was over that year and I resumed college I kinda got busy and sorta stopped reading my bible. Not immersing myself in it daily, i sort of gradually faded for a couple months (but i had done that many times before, and always came back so i figured it was just another phase). Then in february my friends got me to trip on dextromethorphan. I felt okay about doing it because I had always wanted to try drugs, but at that time i still believed all the bullshit D.A.R.E. had pushed onto me. But many of my friends had been dexing regularly for over a year and didn't have any bad permanent effects. I researched it, decided it was safe enough to try, and I fucking loved it.
But then I felt guilty. Horrendously guilty. So I didn't do it again for a while. It was around that time that my friend brought me some alcohol and pressured me into drinking it. I didn't get drunk, but still, it was a matter of taking that first step. Thinking underage drinking was morally wrong my whole life, after that first shot it was like i had kinda crossed a line. And I saw it wasn't that huge of a deal.
Then a few weeks later I had my first experience with a girl (just making out, and something I really regret now because I was so desperate that I threw my first kiss experience away on an unattractive fat whale). After that I dexed one more time (this all happened in march). Then more half assing my religion (i.e. just praying my nightly prayers basically) until june, when i was introduced to the wonders of marijuana. Shit. I loved it (and still do! :lol) But I got obsessed with it. Looking back, maybe it was to fill the void that my now empty religion had left me with. So I just didn't think about it much over the summer. I just smoked a lot and drank a lot and had the first summer of my life that I actually enjoyed (mainly because I stopped having self esteem issues around that time. Perhaps the drugs helped with that? I'm not sure). Then after summer I started thinking about how unjust strict christianity is. I was also a pretty strict calvanist, and I still think that that is what the bible teaches which is part of why its so hard for me to go back to. I don't just want to ignore the parts I don't like, that's not being honest with myself. But at the same time, I find calvinist to be such absolute bullshit that it usually just angers me when I think about it. I struggled with calvinism when I was a christian, but I just chalked it up to "God knows best, just gotta trust him". After my months of drugs/ignoring my religion, when I started thinking about calvinism again I was just like "goddam it this is such unjust bullshit". I hate the idea that God somehow loves everyone equally, yet only chooses a few to not rot in hell forever. Even without calvinism now the bible is hard for me to not get mad at. Because it still isn't fair for people who haven't heard of jesus, or people whose upbringing and culture don't have christianity as the dominant religion. There are so many people of different faiths, and even of no faith, that are doing their best and are great people. I can't reconcile in my mind that god somehow has "infinite love" for them yet sitll will damn them to hell when it really isn't their fault
hmm, I didn't mean to type that much. Regardless, it kinda felt good typing it all out
so yeah, I'd love to go back. I wish I could. But now everytime I see a bad thing happen I'm just so damn cynical. Like Haiti. All the horrific stuff that happened. That the God of the Bible could have stopped. But he didn't. Which is fine in a way, except also according to the Bible they will probably all end up in hell. And yet again, from this same bible, we are told to believe God still has infinite love for them
So many seeming contradictions that I can't get my head around
I went to church again for the first time today in months and I just kept wishing I could go back to how things were. Seeing all the people believe so easily, it makes me so jealous