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[TOP SHOTTA]

Nothing to add at this moment except the hanging skeleton gif and sheep turning to look at me gif, both made me burst out laughing at work on separate occasions.

Some amazing stories on here. I've learned so far that many of you have weak stomachs, farting girlfriends, and mostly high standards of storytelling - real or not. Awesome as always.

 

[Kizer]

I had my girl in missionary anal once and it was going great until I could hear a quiet squelch that grew louder and louder until I came and pulled out. Not a pretty sight. I followed her into the bathroom and scrubbed it off in the sink while she flushed my deposit away.

She didn't feel embarrassed, luckily; she actually was joking the next day about it. "You fuck with a girl's ass, you're going to get shit on."

I've only ever done it doggy style or lady on the top. How is it missionary?

Haha, reminds me of the time when I discovered the wonders about queefing. I learned about them pretty late too, at age 22. It was with my ex and after our usual foreplay we was getting it on at my place. We switched positions, had her lay on back and had her ankles on my legs resting on my shoulder so I can really thrust. All of a sudden a soft poot. I slowed down a bit.

"What was that?"

She completely ignored me as I was still going. After a few more poots, I started snickering like a kid. What I came to realize was that I can alter the volume of her queefs based on how fast I was thrusting. I was laughing. She was not amused.

"Honey, stop laughing. Keep going, please."

Finally I made one so loud it sounded like a fart and I just lost it. She burst out laughing as well so we had to stop. Not the worst sex but I did go limp from laughing too hard.

I would have tried to drop a sick ass beat.

 

[chixdiggit]

My friend had a party and his girlfriend brought a friend. I was instantly attracted to her. So much so that I couldn't take my eyes off of her, she was fit, had dark smooth skin, and was wearing a low cut shirt that was showing off her amazing breasts. I'm a tit man so those boobies were icing on the cake. Well we hit it off and meet a few more times mainly at parties. It gets pretty flirty and she is totally teasing me. I can barely stand it I want to sleep with her so bad.At this point she is all I can think about.
Well I finally get her back to my place one night after a bunch of drinks. We are on the couch and she unzips my pants and strokes my member while we make out.

Fast forward... I am completely naked sitting up in my bed and she is down to these white lace bra and panties. She was straddling my lap and she just looked absolutely stunning. I couldn't wait to get after those beautiful titties so I unhook her bra and she sort of thrusts one in my mouth as I grope the other. At this point I feel something... strange is going on. Her tits just didn't feel right in my mouth or my hand. I can't really explain it but my first thought was that she was wearing pasties or titty tassels or something. It was dark and I really didn't get a good look, plus she was enjoying it so I just continued to suck/grope.

She asks if I have a condom. So I fumble open the night stand drawer but cannot find anything with all the other junk in there. Flip on the lamp and grab the condom. I take a look at her (still on top of me) and I finally get a good look at her fun bags. I shit you not this girl had the most bizarre nipples I have ever seen. They were roughly 3 inches long full erect and instead of nice round pepperonis, it was mounded and... chunky looking. The best I can describe it is a milk shake straw sticking out of a scoop of ice cream that was sitting on her otherwise beautiful breasts. Plus the color was this weird orange/pink color.
I only had a brief moment to see them before she turned off the light and I'm certain she could tell I was surprised by them. Anyway my raging boner went into limp mode as I was just trying to process what I just saw. She tried to get me excited again but it just wasn't working. I really wanted to just flip on the light again and look at what I just saw.

 

[Funky Papa]

At this point it is safe to declare this thread the SFW version of Efukt (google it at your own peril).

 

[Lionel Mandrake]

 

[The_Hitcher89]

Out of interest, is anyone else ignoring the ones with too much backstory and long paragraphs?

 

[CrankyJay]

I really wanted to just flip on the light again and look at what I just saw.

LOL, you have me dying here at this.

 

[cjkeats]

She asks if I have a condom. So I fumble open the night stand drawer but cannot find anything with all the other junk in there. Flip on the lamp and grab the condom. I take a look at her (still on top of me) and I finally get a good look at her fun bags. I shit you not this girl had the most bizarre nipples I have ever seen. They were roughly 3 inches long full erect and instead of nice round pepperonis, it was mounded and... chunky looking. The best I can describe it is a milk shake straw sticking out of a scoop of ice cream that was sitting on her otherwise beautiful breasts. Plus the color was this weird orange/pink color.
I only had a brief moment to see them before she turned off the light and I'm certain she could tell I was surprised by them. Anyway my raging boner went into limp mode as I was just trying to process what I just saw. She tried to get me excited again but it just wasn't working. I really wanted to just flip on the light again and look at what I just saw.

Out of interest, is anyone else ignoring the ones with too much backstory and long paragraphs?

Those are the ones I'm looking for.

 

[Funky Papa]

Out of interest, is anyone else ignoring the ones with too much backstory and long paragraphs?

Backstory adds drama and revulsion.

 

[Log4Girlz]

My friend had a party and his girlfriend brought a friend. I was instantly attracted to her. So much so that I couldn't take my eyes off of her, she was fit, had dark smooth skin, and was wearing a low cut shirt that was showing off her amazing breasts. I'm a tit man so those boobies were icing on the cake. Well we hit it off and meet a few more times mainly at parties. It gets pretty flirty and she is totally teasing me. I can barely stand it I want to sleep with her so bad.At this point she is all I can think about.
Well I finally get her back to my place one night after a bunch of drinks. We are on the couch and she unzips my pants and strokes my member while we make out.

Fast forward... I am completely naked sitting up in my bed and she is down to these white lace bra and panties. She was straddling my lap and she just looked absolutely stunning. I couldn't wait to get after those beautiful titties so I unhook her bra and she sort of thrusts one in my mouth as I grope the other. At this point I feel something... strange is going on. Her tits just didn't feel right in my mouth or my hand. I can't really explain it but my first thought was that she was wearing pasties or titty tassels or something. It was dark and I really didn't get a good look, plus she was enjoying it so I just continued to suck/grope.

She asks if I have a condom. So I fumble open the night stand drawer but cannot find anything with all the other junk in there. Flip on the lamp and grab the condom. I take a look at her (still on top of me) and I finally get a good look at her fun bags. I shit you not this girl had the most bizarre nipples I have ever seen. They were roughly 3 inches long full erect and instead of nice round pepperonis, it was mounded and... chunky looking. The best I can describe it is a milk shake straw sticking out of a scoop of ice cream that was sitting on her otherwise beautiful breasts. Plus the color was this weird orange/pink color.
I only had a brief moment to see them before she turned off the light and I'm certain she could tell I was surprised by them. Anyway my raging boner went into limp mode as I was just trying to process what I just saw. She tried to get me excited again but it just wasn't working. I really wanted to just flip on the light again and look at what I just saw.

Oh puffy nips, yeah seen those on xhamster

 

[Camp Lo]

I went down on a chick who recently shaved so her hair was stubbly which burned my face up. She loved it and kept my head down there but it was so horrible for me that I just left after that.

 

[Funky Papa]

Puffies are awesome and haters can get fucked in the ass for all I care.

 

[Red UFO]

Puffies are awesome and haters can get fucked in the ass for all I care.

You're weird.

 

[LakeEarth]

Never go down on a girl immediately after shaving your face.

 

[TOP SHOTTA]

Never go down on a girl immediately after shaving your face.

Why not? For reference, after I shave I always wash my face with good face soap and then moisturize with collagen elastin. (Basis face soap, St. Ives moisturizer).

What's my next step?

 

[Coconut]

Out of interest, is anyone else ignoring the ones with too much backstory and long paragraphs?

I assume those are the ones that are made up so yes I'm skipping them.

 

[WordAssassin]

Earlier in the thread someone made the comment about, "How many of you guy's were the GIRL'S worst time?" and it got me thinking...

As far as I know or an concerned, I am my second fling's worst time. (The story about the couch)

BUT

The first time I ever fingered a girl, the girl who became my first girlfriend, oh man.

She stayed over at my apartment, there had been some incredible flirting through the day. Sometime during the night she breaks the pillow-barrier I've made in my bed (because I'm a polite and innocent virgin) and we make out.

Making out leads to playing with boobies. Playing with boobies leads to groping her butt. Eventually this leads to my left hand rubbing on her vag through her panties. (I'm laying on my right side.) The panties move out of the way, and I'm fingering a girl for the first time! It is AWESOME.

But my hand hurts because this angle I'm at sucks. So I pull my hand out and go in from the front.

She stops me and repositions my hand, and I go back to work.

After a while we stop, I don't remember if she came or not (probably not) but I found out that, oh hey, when I repositioned my hand? I accidentally went too far and stuck my finger up her butthole! Whoops! That's why she grabbed my hand and repositioned it for me.

Hahahahaha oh God.

 

[Borgnine]

A lot of guys like puffies because it reminds them of how 12 year old girl's breasts look when they're just beginning to form.

 

[Link]

Puffies are awesome and haters can get fucked in the ass for all I care.

This. Puffy nipples are like the unicorns of naughty bits. Extremely rare, but beautiful when you happen upon them.

A lot of guys like puffies because it reminds them of how 12 year old girl's breasts look when they're just beginning to form.

Yeah, no.

 

[nVidiot_Whore]

Yeah all those 12 year old's with giant 3 inch nipples.

LOL

One of my female friends has nice BIIIG round and long nipples.. she has a kid, and fake tits.. I think the combo resulted in them.

They are really nice.. like a giant gummy pacifier.. she LOVES them bitten and yanked and whatnot.

 

[MrOogieBoogie]

I'm confused -- so you still had sex but you're mad that you didn't get a bj?

What the fuck dude, you still successfully got yourself a booty call... sometimes you can't have everything.

The sex was so goddamn boring, though. I only asked about the BJ because she wouldn't do anything else. I honestly would have preferred to stay home that night. :/

 

[Jim E. Rossler]

The sex was so goddamn boring, though. I only asked about the BJ because she wouldn't do anything else. I honestly would have preferred to stay home that night. :/

lookoutwegotourselvesaladiesman.jpg

 

[MrOogieBoogie]

lookoutwegotourselvesaladiesman.jpg

Tell me more, please.

 

[Jim E. Rossler]

Tell me more, please.

This one time I was cybering with this super hot chick (at LEAST a 5/10) but, although she had a bangin body, she couldn't roleplay for shit and it was generally a waste of my time
I'd rather be playing Magic the Gathering Online than talking dirty with some unimaginative dull girl, no matter how hot she is.

 

[nVidiot_Whore]

As long as a girl is enjoying herself she can otherwise "just lay there" and I have no other expectations. I would never suggest to a girl mid-sex that she give me a BJ either, lol.

I've only once had a girl who was just... too quiet.. but I kept at it like she was enjoying it under the assumption she was just hard to read or self conscious. She told me she LOVED it after.. including gushing e-mails days later after I had sort of not responded to her phone calls..

So we hooked up again, and she was just too damn quiet... one of the reasons I broke up with her.. need someone who is at least INTO sex.

 

[jaxword]

That's a seriously creepy post, Borgnine. Ew.

 

[Featheredkitten]

This one time I was cybering with this super hot chick (at LEAST a 5/10) but, although she had a bangin body, she couldn't roleplay for shit and it was generally a waste of my time
I'd rather be playing Magic the Gathering Online than talking dirty with some unimaginative dull girl, no matter how hot she is.

lol

 

[Epcott]

Tell me more, please.

Nightmares... (cold chill)

I dated a deaf girl, who obviously had no rhythm. That was not the offense.
No no... she happened to get on top, and kneed me in the groin. Not a gentle nudge, oh no, her knee ground it into the mattress. She apologized profusely.

I rolled out from under her...
Calmly stood up, put on my clothes

...and left.

Girl was hairy... There was no foreplay or creativity. Just missionary and nervous thrusting.

Ha ha, omg

 

[Minamu]

Had sex on the club toilet before the summer. No lights, had known the girl for like two hours, small space to work with, slight performance anxiety, no protection, people waiting outside banging on the door and mentioning calling the guards. It could've gone better and neither of us were happy with it. I have her on facebook but we haven't said a word to each other for 3-4 months, and she didn't even bother with congratulating me on my birthday yesterday. I haven't seen her downtown either and she obviously haven't called me :lol I'd love to see her again though, she was damn close to perfection in my eyes.

 

[akira28]

Oh puffy nips, yeah seen those on xhamster

oh my god. the way that he describes them sounds so horrible from what they actually are, which is wonderful.

 

[Link]

Had sex on the club toilet before the summer. No lights, had known the girl for like two hours, small space to work with, slight performance anxiety, no protection, people waiting outside banging on the door and mentioning calling the guards. It could've gone better and neither of us were happy with it. I have her on facebook but we haven't said a word to each other for 3-4 months, and she didn't even bother with congratulating me on my birthday yesterday. I haven't seen her downtown either and she obviously haven't called me :lol I'd love to see her again though, she was damn close to perfection in my eyes.

You could, I dunno, call her.

 

[Featheredkitten]

You could, I dunno, call her.

sounds too complicated.

 

[TheVampire]

Yah, heard a story about some guy who got his foreskin ripped off during anal. I'm circumcised but fuck that.

Spoiler

love the avatar

whatttttt?!

 

[jaxword]

sounds too complicated.

Why would you bother with that when you have your GAF buddies to post all night with???

 

[Az987]

I had puffy nipples until I was like 15 but now they are always hard.

They're like super nips.

 

[Salsa]

ITT why I dont go down that much

 

[Minamu]

You could, I dunno, call her.

sounds too complicated.

Why would you bother with that when you have your GAF buddies to post all night with???

I deleted her number. And I don't chase women That's how I got her in the first place. If I run into her and she's cool, that's fine, but I don't do any leg work.

 

[Aguirre]

ITT why I dont go down that much

9 times out of 10, it is usually pleasant for both parties. most people care about personal hygiene. then there are some people just don't give a fuck.

 

[Link]

I deleted her number. And I don't chase women That's how I got her in the first place. If I run into her and she's cool, that's fine, but I don't do any leg work.

Oh, you're one of those.

 

[jaxword]

ITT why I dont go down that much

Because of neogaffers?

 

[Minamu]

Oh, you're one of those.

:lol yes, I suppose so. It's better than having your whole life revolve around success rates and chasing tail all day long as some do. Why do all this extra work if you don't have to? Women like the chase just as much, we just never let them.

 

[WedgeX]

This one time I was cybering with this super hot chick (at LEAST a 5/10) but, although she had a bangin body, she couldn't roleplay for shit and it was generally a waste of my time
I'd rather be playing Magic the Gathering Online than talking dirty with some unimaginative dull girl, no matter how hot she is.

Reading this in your voice is especially hilarious.

 

[Perspicacity]

Nightmares... (cold chill)

I dated a deaf girl, who obviously had no rhythm. That was not the offense.
No no... she happened to get on top, and kneed me in the groin. Not a gentle nudge, oh no, her knee ground it into the mattress. She apologized profusely.

I rolled out from under her...
Calmly stood up, put on my clothes

...and left.

I laughed really hard at the bolded then felt bad.

 

[maquiladora]

Never go down on a girl immediately after shaving your face.

Oh yeah. I learned that lesson too.

 

[Revoh]

I had puffy nipples until I was like 15 but now they are always hard.

They're like super nips.

I had a gynecomastia surgery and after almost a year I still have puffy nips.
Feels bad, man

 

[NIGHT-]

I have a story from a couple nights ago. The sex was actually great but what happened after wasn't.. I met up with a chick online, she just wanted to drink and watch some movies at her place, which is code for lets meet up drink and have sex.. so later on that night we've been drinking and all that and she puts a stand up fan near her bathroom facing the bed. So we screw for a while and I get up to take a piss break( still hard), trying to get to the bathroom, I accidentally walk right into the fan which I found out has no cover on! Needless to say I drop right to the floor in shit loads of pain and agony.. Their was blood going everywhere and I thought I chopped the head off or something. Went to the bathroom to clean it up and it wasn't near as bad as I thought, but their were still 3 slices to my head.. It's healing up alright, still looks ugly. No sex for a bit lol

 

[cuevas. PhD.]

Waking up to the girl riding me and I had to throw her off and go puke in her bathroom.

We had a nice breakfast the next day though

Just to clarify I had to puke cuz I was black out drunk

 

[Jason's Ultimatum]

Who has sex with tue fan on? Unless you have tinnitus.

 

[perfectchaos007]

I have a story from a couple nights ago. The sex was actually great but what happened after wasn't.. I met up with a chick online, she just wanted to drink and watch some movies at her place, which is code for lets meet up drink and have sex.. so later on that night we've been drinking and all that and she puts a stand up fan near her bathroom facing the bed. So we screw for a while and I get up to take a piss break( still hard), trying to get to the bathroom, I accidentally walk right into the fan which I found out has no cover on! Needless to say I drop right to the floor in shit loads of pain and agony.. Their was blood going everywhere and I thought I chopped the head off or something. Went to the bathroom to clean it up and it wasn't near as bad as I thought, but their were still 3 slices to my head.. It's healing up alright, still looks ugly. No sex for a bit lol

Don't get your dick caught in the fan

happy 1 year anniversary, thread!

 

[Cameron122]

If a lady ever wants to fuck you in your wheelchair don't do it because you're drunk and stupid and will probably hit your head on the floor