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Would you ever break up with someone over money?

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border said:
Money and sex are the top two reasons that couples break up. Many, many people break up over money.

The people who say "I would support her if I could make enough for the both of us" have probably never had to come home from a day busting their ass to somebody that slept till 2PM and spent the rest of day on Facebook. They've probably never put in 40+ hours a week while their significant other worked part time and spent their nights out drinking and dining with friends. It's rough shit to feel like you're the one who's having to make all the sacrifices, while the person you're committed to just fucks around and does nothing.

I don't demand that any partner make a ton of money, but you absolutely have to be self-sufficient.
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as i said above, the person you described doesn't lack just money, they lack ambition. that's a much bigger problem.
 
I would break up under certain circumstances, but in your case it's dickish after seeing her doing so much for you. It's time for you to help her making the right decisions and push her to go back to school.
 
Peltz said:
You're absolutely right. Part of me feels guilty about harboring such feelings when she was there for me during my period of uncertainty and difficulty. I feel like I should reciprocate.

However, yes, her period of uncertainty has lasted years with no end in sight, while mine lasted about 3 months when I decided to transition into a slightly different field under circumstances not nearly as dire as her own.
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What are her specific issues?

Still seems vague.

I'm guessing she got an unmarketable degree at a pricey college, little to no meaningful professional job experience, and is either underemployed or unemployed?
 
Your concerns are legitimate from the distance, I mean I find it shitty you gonna dump her after she helped you when you were struggling, but its an issue for you then its an issue for real. The only think that I can advice to you is not to make any choice with guilt on your mind.
 
Yaboosh said:
It is not dickish to be hesitant to marry a woman with 6 figures of debt and questionable prospects at paying it off in a reasonable amount of time.
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what op is doing is more than hesitance... he said as much to his girlfriend, making her cry and and making her beg to stay together. dialogue should have been the go to. if she isn't willing to pull her weight even after OP pleads and provides many opportunities for her to better herself, then break up with her.
 
I dunno, it depends on the situation.

I guess what you have to do is figure out what you value the most. Is it emotional support and a great relationship dynamic, or is it ambition and earning potential? You're really the only one who can answer that for yourself. I do think it's important to consider that money is like the #1 thing couples fight about and break up over, but also that your life is probably going to be pretty long and financial situations are fluid. You might not always be the high earner saddled with someone whose finances aren't as good. Though, if this is something you're going to harbor a years-long festering resentment over, you should probably break it off because that shit benefits no one.
 
People divorce over money literally all the time, financial strain is a pretty big deal, so no breaking up over that isn't unusual or unreasonable at all imo.
 
border said:
Money and sex are the top two reasons that couples break up. Many, many people break up over money.

The people who say "I would support her if I could make enough for the both of us" have probably never had to come home from a day busting their ass to somebody that slept till 2PM and spent the rest of day on Facebook. They've probably never put in 40+ hours a week while their significant other worked part time and spent their nights out drinking and dining with friends. It's rough shit to feel like you're the one who's having to make all the sacrifices, while the person you're committed to just fucks around and does nothing.

I don't demand that any partner make a ton of money, but you absolutely have to be self-sufficient.
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You're right but it seems that OP's girlfriend does have a full-time job.

Think of it this way: do you think you'll ever meet someone who fulfils your emotional needs the way your girlfriend does, is physically attractive and meets all of your other expectations on top of that? I do believe a lot of people nowadays have sky-high expectations that simply aren't realistic.
 
border said:
Money and sex are the top two reasons that couples break up. Many, many people break up over money.

The people who say "I would support her if I could make enough for the both of us" have probably never had to come home from a day busting their ass to somebody that slept till 2PM and spent the rest of day on Facebook. They've probably never put in 40+ hours a week while their significant other worked part time and spent their nights out drinking and dining with friends. It's rough shit to feel like you're the one who's having to make all the sacrifices, while the person you're committed to just fucks around and does nothing.

I don't demand that any partner make a ton of money, but you absolutely have to be self-sufficient.
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OP stated she was there for him in his difficult times and career issues, though. You don't think it's a bit weird to then dump her as soon as you get everything in order and she is in turn in a difficult situation. Yeah I understand the issue could be longer term, but still... Seems like the issue isn't that she is lazy (OP implied she does have an income), but that he makes more than her and she of course, like many people, have significant student loan debt.
 
Yaboosh said:
Someone who makes $50k a year in a demanding job would not be self sufficient in a relationship with someone making 7 figures. Because the lifestyle of the 7 figure person would likely force the other person out of their financial comfort zone.

Being willing to make up for another person's lack of income is not the same as supporting a lazy ass.
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Well the OP didn't exactly go into great detail, but I get the sense that his girlfriend is not making any kind of middle class salary since he says he's making 6X what she does.

Self-sufficient means you can pay your bills.....not that you can "keep up" with someone making over 1 million dollars. If you can't afford to eat out every night of the week and spend a month on vacation every year that's one thing.....but if you're drowning in debt and can't do any fun dates/activities without someone paying your way then that's another.
 
I would do so if I were with someone who was very financially irresponsible, was opposed to change, and wanted my money to flush as well.

That doesn't seem to describe her, but I think it really depends on how strong the relationship is to begin with. From what you have written, I'd stay with her if the relationship was good and the love strong; which is to say I would not leave her for the reasons in the OP. But if the relationship were poor then it might be a factor in tipping things the other way.
 
Random Painted HIghway said:
I wouldn't get involved with someone who has so much debt and no plan to get out from under it. That said, It really depends on where the relationship began, if it was in college and she just got stuck somewhere along the way, then Id feel invested to see it through, since she was taking on that debt while you were together. If she accumulated the debt before you arrived on the scene then I honestly would have bailed pretty shortly thereafter once I realized the extent of the issue. I think that sort of income disparity combined with her existing debts has the great potential to create significant resentment by both parties long term. Does she want to be a stay at home mom? I would view that much more positively than someone who just racked up the debt to be a barista.

I'm a lawyer, I know tons of folks with >100k in debt and mediocre job prospects, it can wreck or delay everything in your life, home purchase, having children, etc. I would love to see a poll comparing the dating prospects of someone with 150k in debt to someone with say, herpes.
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She had the debt prior to my meeting her and I realized the extent of her issue over the summer.

I'm also a lawyer and it's totally influencing my thought process.

Kozak said:
How old are you two?
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Late 20s.
 
if i loved a girl and she earned way less than me it would be a non issue

id have no problem "carrying" her because she isnt a device
 
entrement said:
What are her specific issues?

Still seems vague.

I'm guessing she got an unmarketable degree at a pricey college, little to no meaningful professional job experience, and is either underemployed or unemployed?
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In a nutshell, all of the above. She's a temp right now and hasn't really been applying very aggressively to jobs.

Rather than apply, she says she doesn't know what kind of job she wants to do and is adopting a "wait and see" approach.
 
It's kind of silly people think you are being shallow over the money thing. If you are planning a long term relationship or marriage, you absolutely should understand it's an important factor. If someone is completely irresponsible with money it shows a lot about who they are as a person. When you are married your finances are usually consolidated, so I think it is a big deal.

Now it isn't the sole defining thing for somebody, but it is a big deal.
 
I have a friend who had a long term bf that broke up with her because she had student loans and while she had a full time job, she wasn't making a ton of money. He broke up with her because he felt that it was too much of a risk to merge his finances with hers.

She's now happily married to another person who was willing to make their finances work and he's still single.
 
I kinda did just over a month ago. This guy I was dating worked at a supermarket barely making rent (this part didn't bother me). But then I'd have to pay for everything if we went out. I'd have to drive everywhere, buy food, even give him money for petrol occasionally. Numerous times I suggested he study something to make him more employable but he refused. Applied for many many jobs and either never heard back or never got the job in the end.
Could have dealt with it if he wasn't so aggressive and blamed me for not getting the jobs. So I walked away.
 
There are money issues I would break up over, but I would not in this case. There is a lot more to value in a partner than their career ambitions. If she kept me happy in all other regards, then I'd feel pretty damn lucky that her lack of ambition or lower salary is the biggest drawback. Also, believe that who makes the most money in the house can flip in a heartbeat. Do have plans to start a family in the future or are you looking for a partner who will focus on their career?
 
It's hard not to see you as less than shallow when you start with an opener like yours. You recognize that she's been there through thick and thin -- but later you seem to say that your "difficult times" was merely transitioning, and this only lasted 3 months.

But... If it's not going to financially work out, and it's clearly bothering you enough to consider a breakup, then clearly the financial side of things is stronger than what you feel for her. In that case, don't just languish over it -- do it. If not it's going to keep bothering you and you may end up taking out your frustrations on her when it's not really deserved.

It seems like it's going to end in pain for the two of you, so it may be best for you to go on your separate ways.


[edit] To be fair I once broke up with a girl over money issues. I didn't have a good job and I saw things as pretty bleak for us (she's in med school), but I was the one that made the decision. Which kind of sucks because now I am doing better financially than I ever have, I've a home and new car, and nearly student loan free. But at the time I didn't want to stress her and I couldn't deal with the stress of it myself. Sometimes, things just end up not working out, despite how much you may want it to.
 
Nephtis said:
It's hard not to see you as less than shallow when you start with an opener like yours. You recognize that she's been there through thick and thin -- but later you seem to say that your "difficult times" was merely transitioning, and this only lasted 3 months.

But... If it's not going to financially work out, and it's clearly bothering you enough to consider a breakup, then clearly the financial side of things is stronger than what you feel for her. In that case, don't just languish over it -- do it. If not it's going to keep bothering you and you may end up taking out your frustrations on her when it's not really deserved.

It seems like it's going to end in pain for the two of you, so it may be best for you to go on your separate ways.
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Thanks for your honesty.
 
Yeah sounds like you should do both yourselves a favour and break it off.

1. Its clearly an issue for you
2. It would be cruel for you to string her along when you aren't sure about the future
 
how the hell does one run up a 6 figure student detb anyway? geez. ur GF went to NYU for 6 years or something
 
She didn't dump you when you were struggling. Maybe don't look at her from a purely utilitarian perspective?

At the end of the day, once you have a minimum baseline income to meet your needs, extra money doesn't buy happiness.
 
Really sounds like you love the money more than her. Not to say you think she's a bad person or anything but you obviously want someone who is going to work at your level.

However, from experience, loads of money is not going to make having a family better. Easier? Sure. Better? Not so clear cut.
 
Damerman said:
how the hell does one run up a 6 figure student detb anyway? geez.
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New York University, just one example, there are many more, has yearly tuition and housing at 50k per year.

Multiply that by 4 and there's your answer.

What about financial aid?

Well Pell Grants, which is free money from Uncle Sam, only covers around 4 to 7k per year.
 
Money issues independent of other issues, no I don't think I ever would. Money issues that coincide with other problems, like the lack of passion or desire to improve, would bother me. Granted she's another human being and is receptive to change. It's up to you to decide if that effort is worth trying to facilitate.
 
so she supported you through 'tough times' and you're not willing to do the same now? it sounds like you just wanna get your dick wet now that you've made it and she has served her purpose. what a dude. do her a favour and bail.
 
Career and income could have many indications about a person. Responsibility, ambition, intelligence, diligence etc. Generally people who have good values will have good career prospects unless there were some tragic circumstances.

It isn't shallow to end a relationship over financial issues. Especially since you are considering a long term one. You should find someone that you are completely comfortable with and that you believe in.
 
Technically no. If she was putting in an honest effort and just had bad luck or things were going slow, then no, I'd be there for her every step of the way.


But if it's because she's lazy and won't even put in the effort then we may have a problem if she refuses to change, but that would be about more than financial troubles.
 
SegaShack said:
If someone is completely irresponsible with money it shows a lot about who they are as a person
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Large student loan debt doesn't mean someone is irresponsible with money, it means they got scammed by the education industrial complex while they were young and naive.
 
Team Alucard said:
Large student loan debt doesn't mean someone is irresponsible with money, it means they got scammed by the education industrial complex while they were young and naive.
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I love your commitment to reminding people about bloated tuition costs in the US and how predatory these institutions are.

Keep fighting the good fight, dude.
 
If you're seriously considering leaving her over a money issue, make sure that you are willing to leave her forever in order to achieve financial stability. Either way, it's a rough decision.
 
entrement said:
New York University, just one example, there are many more, has yearly tuition and housing at 50k per year.

Multiply that by 4 and there's your answer.

What about financial aid?

Well Pell Grants, which is free money from Uncle Sam, only covers around 4 to 7k per year.
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thats 200k if you do everything right... i was in college for 5 years. psshhh. I would feel super guilty if i didn't at least give a good effort in helping her get out of debt. leaving her for dead when she is somewhat dependent on your help... i dunno.
 
Damerman said:
thats 200k if you do everything right... i was in college for 5 years. psshhh. I would feel super guilty if i didn't at least give a good effort in helping her get out of debt. leaving her for dead when she is somewhat dependent on your help... i dunno.
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Actually, she's not dependent on me at all. Rather, she lives with her parents.

She spends her money on groceries, but also eats out at restaurants a lot and buys a ton of clothes rather than save. That's a huge problem in my eyes because she should only be buying necessities.
 
entrement said:
I love your commitment to reminding people about bloated tuition costs in the US and how predatory these institutions are.

Keep fighting the good fight, dude.
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Fun story, Hillary Clinton came to my city (Davenport, IA) for a town hall about a month back. I went with the sole intention of asking her why she supported the 2005 act that made private student loan debt non-dischargable in bankruptcy. It was crowded tho and I didn't get a chance to ask my question. =(
 
I would break up over someone being flippant financially (e.g. running up silly debts, buying lots of consumer goods far beyond what could be justified), but never because they couldn't procure a certain sum. If I could provide adequate shelter, food, transport etc. to cover us, then there'd be no problem. There are many things (e.g. housework, emotional support) that she could provide that would make a massive contribution to our wellbeing which don't involve her earning a good wage.
 
Peltz said:
I sort of feel like I'm in a weird situation. I love my girlfriend: she's stuck by me through thick and thin this year as I struggled in my career, she supported my risk taking, has managed to make me smile during the toughest of times, and has helped me grow into a better man. We have tons of stuff in common and always have a blast together. Most importantly, she understands me completely and I really could tell her anything.


Am I shallow to contemplate ending the relationship over finances and her not having a concrete plan for her future?
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Read the bolded part over again. Then again. Then again.
 
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