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I act different based on who I'm with and don't really know my own personality.

E

egruntz

shelaughz
It's a weird feeling that I have right now. My girlfriend pointed out the fact that I'm basically a different person depending who we are with. Never really thought about it but after she said it I noticed she's right. I adopt the personalities of who I'm with to better get along with them, basically a people pleaser. But not just what they say but their mannerisms, expressions, tones, excitement, pace, etc.

Just attended a get together with a few different people we hang out with, and I suddenly didn't know how to interact with them at the same time. First time we were all together. Had a weird mental moment and kind of just shelled up for the rest of the party and tried to talk one on one with people.

Not really freaking out or anything, not like "I don't know who I am," kind of crisis, but I'm wanting to determine my own shell and honestly wouldn't be able to describe it if asked. My girlfriend said she'd fail any kind of couples quiz about the other and their tendencies, personalities, etc. That kind of bothered me.

Not sure the point of this that but I wanted to share anyway. Can anyone relate to this?
 
B

bounchfx

Member
ya, shits normal to me pretty much. I cater how I communicate towards whom I'm with, but never to the point where i'm 'not myself'. If you feel like you're behaving in a way you wouldn't normally, or that you have to put on a full act, then maybe it's time to reflect. Be yourself, but there's lots of facets to yourself.
 
A

Arttemis

Member
It sounds like you should stop trying so hard to behave the way you think the other person wants you to and be comfortable enough with yourself to behave naturally. Unless you know of a different reason, I feel this has to be what's going on, regardless of whether or not you think it is.
 
D

disappeared

Banned
Look at it this way OP, think of how those people are when they're around you, and imagine how they might be to people who aren't you. It's entirely a human thing to do. Everybody's different to some degree and so we treat each other - and thus, behave - differently under different circumstances and in different social groups.
 
S

sphagnum

Banned
egruntz said:
I don't. I just take care of things I need to take care of, or play games. I don't talk to myself or anything in a way that would help me determine my own social tendencies.
Click to expand...

You don't have particular tastes in movies, books, music, games, etc? You don't have political beliefs that might point to your moral compass?
 
IrishNinja

IrishNinja

Member
honestly, anyone that acts the same way around their job/respective other/friends/parents etc is either mad foolish or frightening
 
L

Lo_Fi

Member
I don't remember the term for it, but this is a normal thing - people do it to different degrees. It's high ____ vs. low ____ (I forget the 2nd word in the terms). High ____ people tend to act a lot like the people around them, while Low ____ people act the exact same no matter who they're around.

There's pros and cons to each, so don't feel too bad about it. Low____ people are sometimes considered rude or abrasive, for example.
 
Monocle

Monocle

Member
Yeah there's definitely a performative aspect to the way I behave around others, especially at work, and around friends from work. I constructed a whole separate branch of my personality for that specific environment, where I was expected to be more outgoing and assertive than usual. Not on purpose—I was just trying to find my feet in an unfamiliar situation.

It was very weird to watch that happen. For a few months I felt like a huge phony. Gradually, I felt like more of myself was coming through. It's an effortless shift now. I wonder if my non-work friends or family notice the difference.
 
E

egruntz

shelaughz
sphagnum said:
You don't have particular tastes in movies, books, music, games, etc? You don't have political beliefs that might point to your moral compass?
Click to expand...

Answering this honestly, don't have tastes in movies or books. Good or bad come out of any genre.

I do prefer Nintendo games to most, don't like FPS. Other than that I'll try any game, but I consistently geek over Nintendo games.

I believe there's more than one right answer in politics. I'm very grey on most issues and agree with arguments on both sides. Ultimately I have apathy regarding our current political climate, so I don't really care at the end of the day what proposals pass and which ones don't.

:/ But idk if that stuff would be used to describe someone's personality.

Thanks for mention it compartmentalization. I'm going to look this up and learn a bit about it; might feel better about myself

I'm 23 to the guy who asked
 
A

Alphahawk

Member
Without knowing too much about you, I'd say this is extremely normal. We're all social chameleons, to a certain extent, but we also all have our own likes, dislikes and value systems that make us unique. I wouldn't worry too much about it, unless the latter changes as well (IE: Your favorite movie is determined by who you're hanging out with).
 
C

commedieu

Banned
fridaythe13thmom.jpg
 
U

uncelestial

Member
My advice is to break up with your girlfriend, who clearly is psyching you out, doesn't understand you, admits to not knowing basic things about who you are, and judges you based on a perfectly normal social behavior.
 
U

umop_3pisdn

Member
This is ordinary for our subjective experience. Since we're privy to our own thoughts and deliberations we experience ourselves as having all of this freedom or indeterminacy, but are somewhat blind to our behaviour since following those thoughts and deliberations our actions tend to be something of an afterthought. And for others it's the opposite, we see their behaviour but have no idea what is going on in their heads, and thus have difficulty seeing how they might act otherwise, thus other people from our point of observation get reduced down to their 'tendencies', which is functionally what personality is, but we don't really see ourselves through the lens of tendencies.

Maybe you're a little more that way than some other people, though. I probably am, too. I'm better at processing emotional stimuli in my environment than I am processing my own emotions, for example, which means I don't have that strong feeling of individuality that some people seem to have. Where I'm more individualistic is more in my thinking and reasoning, but thinking and reasoning doesn't have as much of a human shape to it as feeling or value judgements do.
 
A

Angry Grimace

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does something taste funny to you?"
This is a totally normal aspect of socialization.

I get that too, and it's why I'm able to snap out of a funk hanging out with friends so easily. I just channel the vibe.
 
L

Lucky Seven

Banned
How extreme is it? Your gf might've pointed it out but if it's making you very self-conscious then maybe explore that and see if it's alright.

Obviously, everybody does that up to a certain degree. But, I mean, obviously you'd know that.
 
P

psyfi

Banned
This is my response answer to almost every mental health topic, but I recommend reading I Don't Want to Talk About It by Terrence Real. He does an amazing job of explaining a lot of the ways that men struggle with emotions, relationships, and identity in our culture. It really helped me have a clearer picture of some things I was struggling with, and it's helped a few of my friends, too.
 
Z

zeemumu

Member
tumblr_nddpqw0IN81s69200o2_500.gif



I kinda do that. I alternate between quiet and lighthearted depending on how comfortable I am with the person. When I'm on my own I'm a spastic "dance like nobody's watching" kind of person.

I do have a tendency of being afraid of being too spastic and suppressing my own traits in favor of ones that I think the people around me would prefer though, which does suck. One shouldn't feel the need to sacrifice one's identity to fit in...unless you're psychotic or something. Then you should consider making some changes.
 
C

Commanche Raisin Toast

Member
The way I look at it is a lot of times you build up relationships with people in different ways because the chemistry between you and them creates different results. If I were to act the way I do around my dude best friend while I'm hanging with my girl best friend, it would be weird. She wouldn't get the jokes, or my mannerisms would seem strange to her and vice versa.

Those things are explainable.

When you're around people you don't know well though or haven't built up a relationship with and explored the natural chemistry, your tend to go into more of a neutral mode and have to kind of test the waters a bit with what works and what doesn't. It can feel strange at first but if you just relax and try to just do things that make you feel good then you should be alright.

And if some people don't like it or don't laugh at your jokes etc, you have to learn to be okay with that. I've struggled with the same thing for years but eventually just kind of let it go because I'd rather new relationships and social bonds I form to be genuine and organic. That way, if someone likes me it's really ME and not a mask I put on.
 
D

Daingurse

Member
I act very differently depending on who I'm with, and the context of the situation. I also am quite frankly a two-face as well. How I act with a person on the surface doesn't necessarily reflect who I am, or how I feel. At all.
 
D

DrLazy

Member
That's normal. I embrace it. It's fun being a dick to buddies, a softy to kids, and thoughtful at the job. You are still you
 
F

Freeza Under The Shower

Member
It's normal, but somewhat disorienting to be constantly aware of. In my experience it kind of goes away after 23-25, at which point the mature brain is kind of locked into being comfortable.
 
J

.JayZii

Banned
We need the context of other people and outside ideas to actually define ourselves. It's good to be a multifaceted person with inconsistencies, nobody wants to be or be around a two dimensional person. Embrace the cognitive dissonance, it's part of being human.

You are the common denominator.
 
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