Reptars Revenge
Member
Everybody in this thread married the wrong person. Sorry.
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Anyone here end up marrying their 1st boyfriend/girlfriend?
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always crazy bacon
Banned
That's not what he's asking at all and you are projecting.
Who says it's dating? Dating doesn't have to be bad, and these days casual sex is more acceptable and widely accessible without strings attached.
Plus, without testing the market you don't know if there's better options out there.
I don't want to be misconstrued here. I do believe that in some cases, it works well and two people just click and are right for each other immediately. But I do believe it's rare, and GAF has a scary over-representation of people who got married to their first. I think there's PLENTY you can read into that observation.
TheOctodad
Member
Got married to my first "real" girlfriend from high school. Don't regret it one bit. We were friends for 3 years, dated for 3 years, been married for over 10. I get where people are coming from about needing to grow yourself, but well, I think we found other ways to do it in our lives. We moved states twice without knowing anyone and really challenged ourselves in a lot of ways to expand outside our bubbles, we just did it together.
Honestly, I get that it seems crazy, but it worked great for us. I love her to death and I still think she's near perfect 10 years later. She's only become more active and beautiful throughout our marriage. She still makes me laugh and enjoy life more.
We both enjoy similar hobbies, movies, books, outdoors stuff, etc. We're fairly independent though and both have our group of girls/guys we go out with and it never causes a real fuss.
She's absolutely brilliant and supported me through my grad school journey. Now I'm seeing her through grad school and she's already getting job offers with months left to graduate. We've both become far more successful in our professions than we expected early on. We carry each other through life and support each other taking risks.
More than anything though, she's been a rock for me in some challenging times. I've had some major deaths in my family that were pretty shocking. She kept me sane and stable. I'll always be grateful for that.
She does leave coffee mugs all around the house though - so I'm thinking about leaving her.
Honestly, I get that it seems crazy, but it worked great for us. I love her to death and I still think she's near perfect 10 years later. She's only become more active and beautiful throughout our marriage. She still makes me laugh and enjoy life more.
We both enjoy similar hobbies, movies, books, outdoors stuff, etc. We're fairly independent though and both have our group of girls/guys we go out with and it never causes a real fuss.
She's absolutely brilliant and supported me through my grad school journey. Now I'm seeing her through grad school and she's already getting job offers with months left to graduate. We've both become far more successful in our professions than we expected early on. We carry each other through life and support each other taking risks.
More than anything though, she's been a rock for me in some challenging times. I've had some major deaths in my family that were pretty shocking. She kept me sane and stable. I'll always be grateful for that.
She does leave coffee mugs all around the house though - so I'm thinking about leaving her.
always crazy bacon
Banned
For me with each relationship I was better able to hone in on what worked for me and her and what to avoid. It's great if couples can mold each other into what they want over time and accept the bad points, it's all give or take.
You can look at each woman and asses if she's after just a fling, is too clingy, has commitment issues or whatever. You can accept something for what it is, if its short term or instant but you learn you can't fix people. End of the road I have now a fantastic wife that I would not have if I didn't get the experiences and comparisons first.
I think the reason might be the posts arguing they don't know what love is, haven't learned enough about themselves, have self esteem issues and married the wrong people.
But, that's just a guess.
marimorimo
Member
That's bullshit. There's probably a case for marrying too young or too fast, but even then there are plenty of exceptions.
What's more, around the world and throughout history arranged marriages have been the norm, where people who hardly knew each other got married, and it's surprising how loving and stable many of these marriages turn out to be--no worse and maybe even better than traditional "love" marriages.
P.S. I married my first bf. I was his first too. We kept a long-distance relationship going for 6 years and met plenty of people during that time. Except for the fleeting thoughts of sexual curiosity, nobody topped what we had during that time. I've made many bad choices in my life, but marrying my husband has been my best decision. He says the same of me.
As plenty of people have said all comes down to this:
1) Why mess with a good thing? If there are literally no problems with the relationship, why destroy it?
2) Is it worth it hurting someone you (supposedly) love for the fleeting pleasure of an affair?
Priorities, man.
PPS: When problems come up in a relationship (as they inevitably will), you sit down and solve them together, not run for the hills.
My partner was not my first but I was quite young when I met him, only 18. I'm his first. I can't see what I would have gained from meeting someone like him later in my life versus early. I would just have missed spending all this time with the perfect partner.
We're not actually married yet but that's just because we're lazy
We just never get around to fixing the paperwork needed for it. Last week we celebrated ten years together. Yay! Would have been a great time to swing by the town hall to get married but we couldn't be arsed this time either. In Sweden it's not a big deal. He still gets all my stuff if I die and vice versa.
Our neighbours are each others firsts (met in school) and they have been married for a year and together for nine years. They seem very happy together.
We're not actually married yet but that's just because we're lazy
We just never get around to fixing the paperwork needed for it. Last week we celebrated ten years together. Yay! Would have been a great time to swing by the town hall to get married but we couldn't be arsed this time either. In Sweden it's not a big deal. He still gets all my stuff if I die and vice versa.Our neighbours are each others firsts (met in school) and they have been married for a year and together for nine years. They seem very happy together.
Uh huh.
I'm not arguing those people married the wrong people. I'm saying they will never truly know because they haven't experienced anything else. It works for some, sure.
Anyway you lost me when you started defending arranged marriage. Come on, seriously.
Why would people not know what love is if they married their first? If they have a happy stable marriage, that's what counts. Same question can be asked about people who keep going from relationship to relationship. How do they know what true committed love is if they keep breaking up with their so and date someone else (excluding cases of cheating, abuses etc). There are plenty of cases of people who looked for greener pastures and regret their choices. I don't get the must break off a good relationship to try others mindset. People are not items to be shopped for.
AntraxSuicide
Banned
I don't understand why you can't do this if you marry young. My wife and I have traveled a lot, to some really out there places (current favorite was ruins in Belize, we're both in academia so that history shit is our jam).
You don't know what marriage is if you think it's sitting at home not talking to each other with occasional passionless sex.
I'm not advocating ending a good thing. Never said anything like that. My point is it's hard to know what a good thing is unless you have something to compare it to.
Traveling solo and traveling with a partner/good friend are two wildly different experiences. It's my whole entire point.
You haven't experienced true freedom until you travel alone.
EDIT: We are shaped by our experiences. My best mate married young at 23 after a six year relationship, which was his first real one. He's 30 now, had his second child to her about six weeks ago and cheated on her as recently as Friday night. When I confront him over it, he doesn't hide the fact he regrets shacking up so young. It's not her... he loves her (and from what I can see he does, aside from the obvious disloyalty) but his fear of missing out is too much for him. When I came back and told him about my crazy solo travel stories he told me he couldn't listen because he got too envious.
He's the most prime example in my life, but there's many more I could recount. Point is, I think a lot of people who marry young have the same regrets but bury them deep inside because they are embedded in situations far too deep to wriggle free from. And I guess the coping mechanism for a lot of people is to rationalise and trot out some of the justifications I've seen in this thread.
Not everyone is like that, obviously. But a lot of people who married you are. It's entirely understandable.
Milly Osworth
Member
What exactly do you need to see other people for?
How many broken relationships and cases of infidelity have resulted from that line of thinking? If you enjoy that, more power to you, but im interested in commitment.
The quality of a relationship all depends on how it makes you feel and people can understand their feelings, without having experienced a prior relationship. I mean, if we couldn't distinguish "happy" from "unhappy," due to inexperience, then we'd all be in our first relationship.
For a bit of context, I was one of the people who had regrets about getting serious young. Dated the same girl from when I was 22 until I was 30, and in those last few years I had some minor regrets that I buried and rationalised by saying 'why leave a good thing?'. Because it was really good in so many ways.
Turns out she cheated on me last August, and the end of it was forced upon me. Now I'm glad it ended because I've experienced so much since, but I still should have confronted my feelings earlier. It was so hard though.
Turns out she cheated on me last August, and the end of it was forced upon me. Now I'm glad it ended because I've experienced so much since, but I still should have confronted my feelings earlier. It was so hard though.
always crazy bacon
Banned
Sorry to hear that, I doubt your situation is unique though. When I was young I'd stick with girls longer because I didn't think I'd find anybody as good and try to downplay the issues. Glad I matured and am no so naive now.
I think your recent break-up is influencing your opinion on things. Your relationship didn't work out and, based on your posts, you must feel that you didn't actually know what love was, that whole time. It must feel like you only imagined being happy, for the majority. I doubt that's true. I think it's more likely that you did understand love and you were happy...it just didn't last in the end. Even if it were true though, you were still wrong to extrapolate your experience to everyone, by saying no one who stays with their first relationship understands love.
but you do?
I mean sure a relationship that leads to marriage most likely is a deep and involved one, but it's not like friendships can't be deep and involved as well.
I mean, there really isn't much difference between my relationship with my wife and my relationship with my best friend in college aside from my wife.
I mean I lived with my best friend in college as well, had to pay bills together ect.
only major differences are I share a bank account with my wife, we have sexual attraction to each other (to be fair my wife fears that my best friend and I will eventually both just leave our wives and run away together
), and we constantly share the same bed (I totally shared a bed with my best friend in college a few times )I'm also still in contact and love my best friend 13 years later like I love my wife 12 years later
.I just don't get this mentality that you have nothing to compare to in regards to a relationship, and I had a few girlfriends before my wife (though I am the only boyfriend my wife has ever had.)
FinaruDensetsu
Member
Yup married my girlfriend who I've known since elementary school.
Sorry to hear that and about your friend too. People who married first and/or married young are not missing out. Sure, the experience of being with someone and being alone is vastly different and being with different people is different too. However, a person does not need to date or be with multiple people to know what love is if what the person has is built upon mutual caring, respect, trust, openness and commitment. What makes it tough is that it has to come from both people.
Yes, I do wonder at times what it would be like if I stayed single. I do miss my freedom and my spare time but I would not trade my family for that. I envy my sister who is single because she has freedom and disposable income to do what she wants but she envies me for being in a happy marriage with kids and she probably envies me more than I envy her. Funny how that works.
Edit: that should really say my sister who is not married. She is dating someone currently and had bfs prior to current bf.
Dirtyshubb
Member
My wife is the only person I have ever dated, started going out at 19 and I recently turned 32 and we have been married nearly 8 years so it's worked out well for us.
Cyrus_Saren
Member
Not yet but will be next year. We've known each other for 19 years and, while we did go our separate ways for a number of years and tried getting with other people, it didn't work out and we came back to one another. We've got two kids together and recently bought a house together. She's the only one I've wanted and, sure, I do sometimes have what if scenarios but they go away since I realize what I have is perfect as is. She makes me better, as I hope I do for her.
OG Shaka Zulu
Member
In a similar boat and married my second. Really wish we had met a few years later and not in our early 20s. Had rocky early years and my sex life has gone down the toilet since my firstborn 3 years ago.
My wife is great, kids great, everything is great on paper except my sex life. Have had sex 2-3x in 6 months, porn is depressing and I'm always thinking about other women.
I don't know if I have FOMO because my lack of experience or because my wife's cheating early in the relationship. It's probably a combination of both.
My wife is great, kids great, everything is great on paper except my sex life. Have had sex 2-3x in 6 months, porn is depressing and I'm always thinking about other women.
I don't know if I have FOMO because my lack of experience or because my wife's cheating early in the relationship. It's probably a combination of both.
I only read the first page.
This idea of "grass is greener" "you are settling" "you need some bad ones to grow" is all B.S.
If you are lucky enough to be with someone for years, be married, be happy, and avoid all the other bullshit: You have won. You beat the game. Flawless victory. Feel great about that. You didnt have to deal with being stood up. Or someone talking down to you on a date because you aren't fitting their internal idea if "ambitious enough." You didnt have to deal with liars and cheaters. You haven't had to posture and deal with a special kind of pressure.
And years on, having that connection way back, is really cool. I have met a few people from my class or other class groups I associated with: Who have been together since HS or shortly after. Its enviable,
Maybe it wont last. Maybe it will. But, being good for a few years, for several years, etc ---- many of us dont even make it a year with simply dating. And at some point, someone you love very much leaves, for one reason or another. And that is a special kind of pain.
Or maybe you feel like, yeah, I'm done here. And that is a strange and disappointing feeling to walk away from someone you just spent some months establishing.
If you ever feel like maybe there is something you are missing or could have with another type of person: Talk to your SO and try some new things together. A lot of couples dont have a good channel for this. You will be surprised at how much fun you can have, with the same person!
This idea of "grass is greener" "you are settling" "you need some bad ones to grow" is all B.S.
If you are lucky enough to be with someone for years, be married, be happy, and avoid all the other bullshit: You have won. You beat the game. Flawless victory. Feel great about that. You didnt have to deal with being stood up. Or someone talking down to you on a date because you aren't fitting their internal idea if "ambitious enough." You didnt have to deal with liars and cheaters. You haven't had to posture and deal with a special kind of pressure.
And years on, having that connection way back, is really cool. I have met a few people from my class or other class groups I associated with: Who have been together since HS or shortly after. Its enviable,
Maybe it wont last. Maybe it will. But, being good for a few years, for several years, etc ---- many of us dont even make it a year with simply dating. And at some point, someone you love very much leaves, for one reason or another. And that is a special kind of pain.
Or maybe you feel like, yeah, I'm done here. And that is a strange and disappointing feeling to walk away from someone you just spent some months establishing.
If you ever feel like maybe there is something you are missing or could have with another type of person: Talk to your SO and try some new things together. A lot of couples dont have a good channel for this. You will be surprised at how much fun you can have, with the same person!
There is nothing to figure out. Most of these marriages to firsts happen after years of dating. In contrast, most other people end up marrying after a year or two.
I would posit these first timers are in a very healthy spot, when they have years together, already. That degree of friendship and connection is very tough to find later in life.
And personally, with feeling true love for someone, there was nothing to learn. It was to simply find it. And I don't really get to choose, either. You can meet someone who checks off many parameters----and never feel much for them. Or they dont really support a friendship with you or....etc
T_T
This is the good stuff. Anyone who tries to say you two haven't grown and can't know if you are fulfilled, have no idea what is going on.
You dont get this experience, by dating around. That can be fun and there is nothing wrong with that if you are true to yourself about it and honest. But, that is essentially a string of beginnings of things. There is a lot to experience. But there are things you can only get to, by riding deep, with one person. Whether they are the first, or the 7th, or the 27th.
B
bomb
Unconfirmed Member
lol. All these journey's that are so much more enthralling than us married folk. I hope you write it all down so we will all have the pleasure one day reading what we missed out on. Can someone just give me a taste of what I'm missing out on? Where did you fly to this weekend?
My ex-wife was cheating when sex waned off (her not wanting any...I'm good 4-12 times a week, and always put the woman first..lol). It's possible your wife just doesn't enjoy it anymore too though, or doesn't feel sexy enough for you. Lots of mental things can take a good woman down sexually. Make sure you raise her up
.In my case I did everything for mine. Stay at home mom, gym memberships, bought everything for every hobby she wanted, spent time with her every evening, took her out on dates on the weekend, etc. Actually got told "I was too nice" as things ended...lol.
She was seeing some dick (literally and figuratively) that had been divorced twice and didn't care that she was married and had two young kids. She also got with another married guy and his wife doesn't know...it's awful. Found out 4 years ago, March 2013. I'm good now though, she's working a retail job 50 hours a week to survive now and I took custody.
lord_of_flood
Member
Not me personally, but I have two friends from college that did, and each couple is super great together. It shocked me that it took them so long to get hitched.
There was also another friend in our group that was dating his first girlfriend for years too, but she was kind of a bitch, and luckily he was able to get away from her before he made a big mistake.
There was also another friend in our group that was dating his first girlfriend for years too, but she was kind of a bitch, and luckily he was able to get away from her before he made a big mistake.
velociraptor
Junior Member
Wow that's pretty fucking nuts. Did she reveal why she cheated?My ex-wife was cheating when sex waned off (her not wanting any...I'm good 4-12 times a week, and always put the woman first..lol). It's possible your wife just doesn't enjoy it anymore too though, or doesn't feel sexy enough for you. Lots of mental things can take a good woman down sexually. Make sure you raise her up
In my case I did everything for mine. Stay at home mom, gym memberships, bought everything for every hobby she wanted, spent time with her every evening, took her out on dates on the weekend, etc. Actually got told "I was too nice" as things ended...lol.
She was seeing some dick (literally and figuratively) that had been divorced twice and didn't care that she was married and had two young kids. She also got with another married guy and his wife doesn't know...it's awful. Found out 4 years ago, March 2013. I'm good now though, she's working a retail job 50 hours a week to survive now and I took custody.
Kingpin Rogers
Member
I'll let you know when I get my first girlfriend :/
Prax
Member
What are you even talking about. lol
Who are you shaking head at and make it make sense.
I am not one of those people that laments about not experiencing things in life I have no interest in the first place. Sometimes life comes at you hard and you deal with it and grow from it or not (e.g. breakups), but that some people here glorify it as pinnacle stepping stones for existence is a bit sad. I mean, it's life. Enjoy yourselves and do what you need to do, but don't be too proud trying to justify why your way was the best/most worthy way.
Omegasquash
Member
I know a couple that, despite a few breakups pre-marriage, is doing quite well.
I know another that didn't break up, got married, had a child, and the marriage ended badly.
Go figure.
I know another that didn't break up, got married, had a child, and the marriage ended badly.
Go figure.
OG Shaka Zulu
Member
Good on you for recovering.My ex-wife was cheating when sex waned off (her not wanting any...I'm good 4-12 times a week, and always put the woman first..lol). It's possible your wife just doesn't enjoy it anymore too though, or doesn't feel sexy enough for you. Lots of mental things can take a good woman down sexually. Make sure you raise her up
In my case I did everything for mine. Stay at home mom, gym memberships, bought everything for every hobby she wanted, spent time with her every evening, took her out on dates on the weekend, etc. Actually got told "I was too nice" as things ended...lol.
She was seeing some dick (literally and figuratively) that had been divorced twice and didn't care that she was married and had two young kids. She also got with another married guy and his wife doesn't know...it's awful. Found out 4 years ago, March 2013. I'm good now though, she's working a retail job 50 hours a week to survive now and I took custody.
My wife cheated over a decade ago and has stepped her game up tremendously since. Rebuilt trust and everything. A+ across the bored except for being interested in sex. I feel like i am being held hostage, I would be remarkably stupid to cheat or leave. We are raising kids and she is breastfeeding so her libido is wiped out. She doesn't believe in sex just to satisfy me if she's not interested so there's that. All I want is to desire, be desired, and have good sex, which has been impossible 3 years and counting. If I cheat I'm a monster but if I suffer through feeling unwanted and its accompanying depression then I'm an awesome husband and father. Yippeeeee!
Goldenroad
Member
Not my first girlfriend, but pretty much my first real adult relationship has lasted for the last 13 years.
Eh, it's most likely a mix of mental health issues.....unfortunately. She has BPD and PTSD. Those things aren't an excuse though, and you can tell she feels like she made a huge mistake now days. I'd never, EVER, trust her though. We went through her crying for hours and getting help and swearing I meant everything to her....then 2 weeks later she'd be at the guys house on a Saturday night. It was really messed up. She became a habitual liar as time went on too. Lied about everything, would apologize if found out, then lie again the next day. Her doctor told me that he thought it was just the "thrill of it". Due to her mental health, it made her "feel alive". After the 2nd year of it I told her that there was now ONE rule. She either stayed faithful to me or our marriage would end. I would take care of everything else for her. Medical, financial, even vacations that would let her do "fun" things to make her "feel alive and happy".
Very first vacation I paid for...found out she spent $400 so the guy could spend the vacation with her.
Game over! LOL
She was also given a diagnosis of possible "sociopath" by one doctor. Incredibly selfish the longer we were together, and no sense of conscience towards her daughters being hurt by it.
You need to do some marriage counseling on the sex part.
It should be 50/50. If you really need sex she should make love to you out of caring for you. Your need for it is probably as strong as her disregard for it.
If it really bothers her, then the two of you could agree to it happening certain times during the week or she could use other methods to get you there. It's selfish to withhold a love life from your partner, but you can't FORCE them to sleep with you either.
I've learned since my ex that there are women that absolutely LOVE it...and that give me a run for my money, haha. Somehow I missed out on those kinds of women when I was dating initially. Current one is ALL ABOUT taking care of me.
I wouldn't throw away a good thing if you have it, but you REALLY need to talk to her about needing intimacy.
CrossTrigger
Member
Had planned to propose to her on valentines day and surprise her, showed up found her in bed with another dude. Lol I was much younger and less jaded then. That said it's completely understandable that if you genuinely believe you 2 are a perfect fit and aren't curious to go get some strange, all the power and luck to you!
Sgt.Pepper
Banned
My parents did. Almost 40 years.
You'll never know for sure regardless of whether you dated one person or a hundred. There's always an infinitely greater chance that someone out there in the world is a better match for you than the random assortment of people near you you went on dates with. Why would you let that be your benchmark for a relationship?
Some people are more mature than people much older than them. Some people never break out of their college-age mentality.
Let me tell you a little secret, you never know who you really are. Age has nothing to do with it. There's no "okay now I know who I am" secret moment in life. We're all just figuring stuff out and nobody really knows shit about life.
You either choose to go through that with someone or you don't. But don't pretend like there's a certain age where you can determine who will be perfect for you. When you're married, I don't care how experienced you were prior to that marriage, there's going to be days where you're sick of your spouse. Or where the magic you feel for him/her isn't there. It comes and goes. It's part if life.
But respect, trust and communication are the true pillars of intimacy. If you have those - and you can have those at any age with someone - then by all means feel free to have a life with them.
Don't make it seem like people are crazy for having that level of respect and trust with their high school sweet hearts.
Just because you or I was a little shit back then (and I was) doesn't mean everyone else was.
What's more asinine? Marrying your highschool sweetheart or marrying someone who has married 5 people before you? Experience doesn't mean anything.
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