I cannot think of a better title sorry.
I read the off-topic forums for a while, and I think that you may or may not be able to provide maybe a glimpse of help, which I desperately need and have no place to turn onto. Please, this is going to be long, if you read quickly, go to the games forum. If you want to be ironic, please be careful, if you want to flame, put some meat on your bone at least. And I am not an attention whore, I know better, sure here cynism is everywhere, but there are many sensible persons that I appreciate readingI don't know where to begin, I think I may well be the most intricate sick person in the world.
In late 2003, following a scan, a tumor was found into my brain. And so was explained to me why my senses were collapsing day by day since late 1997 at least. In january of 1998, I heard my first tinnituses. Later, my eyes began to get ultra-sensitive to everything. People did not knew how to deal with me, and my confidence in others didn't helped me out. A stubborn neurologist refused a scan, even if I insisted, which clearly would have shown the tumor. Later, everytime I would say that the problem would be something like this, this jerk' 5 minutes of stupidity while I sat in his office would sweep me away. So people gave me all kinds of pills.When you are an adult, and you are not told what you take (it's to help you, fuck yeah, right), or even less it's side effects, that's just... criminal. So people gave me pills, I had confidence. Afterwards, I discovered that I was given anything, I felt like I'd been a laboratory rat! People were clueless, but still prescribed me this, and I, desperate to cure my senses, trusted the doctors and took it. After the tumor's discovery, I gathered everything I was given. I was shocked. Luckily I quickly stopped all that shit. Christ, stuff given to mentally insane people, to depressive people, I've always been one hundred percent sane, and I have never been in a depression despite the sadicism my life went through.
Then, I quickly took back the strings of my own life, I searched for everything for a better cure. Healthcare is sometimes hard as fuck in Canada, so I had only my imagination and my knowledge to help me out. I had google too.
So I gathered everything, I found a doctor I could trust, I went into a neurological center, and in the end, I am treated right now with exactly what I suggested in the first place, I confused all skepticals, prominent doctors, I'm quite proud of this accomplishment. The tumor (non-malignent, thank God) has train-wrecked my life. It had probably spawned when I hit puberty, it was undiscovered until almost twelve years later. I began to be obese, and then morbidly obese, and so I was bullied to death in high school. I remember my father thinking I was eating too much, wanting me to be like everyone else, yelling: "Lay off the fatty food, you eat too much, don't go to Burger King anymore!" My father little did he know what was happening. And I saw the others kids eating pizzas and burgers applenty, I barely ate a Whopper and my father would get bad at me. I learned wisdom, I kept a low profile, and escaped highschool intact. In september of 1998 I began College, but I always had to trop out of my computer science courses. I had anemia (which I did not have a clue that I had it), I was always tired as hell, I never could concentrate to learn how to program efficient C modules, and in the end of 2001 I definitely dropped out, I was dried out.
Since that moment, I had to stay home, I still maintained a normal life. But I could not go back to college because my senses were killing me and I was too tired. My friends however completed it, and moved in Montreal either to study further, or to make a living. And so, I cannot say I have a single friend from my College days in my city anymore, because they are all gone. Either I've completely lost contact, or either they are too busy. No one will come around my house. But I need it, badly. Here are the senses problems I have. Don't try to suggest me ways to get around, either they are non-pragmatic, or I have tried and they make things worse. I have photosensibility, so I virtually always stay home. I can tolerate the sun, but my retinas get burned quickly, and brings pain. I also cannot tolerate any video, animation, whatsoever, no matter how I view it. I have tinnituses, but they don't bother me. However, when I began the pills to make my tumor shrink after I changed treatments, I had severe hyperacusis. Hyperacusis is sensibility to sounds. If I ever listen to 10 seconds of music, I will get intolerable pain, pressure, and vertigo into my ears. And it will take hours to get away. I am sensible to extreme sounds. If a massive object falls on the floor above my head, I will get a similar sensitivity too. Imagine how fun a life it makes.
My retinas will be sensible to almost everything. I will have sporadical chromasensibility, prestibism, so I can use my computer and browse the web, but even at that, plenty of colors, patterns (which produce a moiré like effect, which hurts my eyes to death), fonts, anything, will get in my way. If something makes it that the font is hard to read for my eyes, well my retinas will get the spaces between the lines burned into them all of a sudden, and I have to stop. It hurts like fuck. Can you imagine a life with no video, no games, no music, no... nothing? Everyone tought I would go on and become a great scientist, a great doctor, but a tumor ruined all of my life, I wasted my youth suffering, trying to cure a disease I did not understood until very recetnly. The last video game I have played is Soul Calibur 2 on Xbox, the last movie, I viewed the first Back to the Future DVD, in september of 2003. I also watched my last tv show in that month. Since then, I cannot stand zilch.
And with hyperacusis, I had to kiss my social life, and pretty much, my life goodbye. I feel like I live in a nuclear vault, like I am stuck in an Aquarium, seeing the world around me, trying to keep that out of mind but not being able to help it in the end. Since I cannot tolerate music, which is everywhere, I cannot go nowhere. I strictly only go outside to medical appointments (which I stictly administrate) and a few sporadical meetings with my family. Outside of this, I stay home, all the time. I just have to! Otherwise, it would be suicide for my senses. Remember guys, you sure have your ears and eyes fully intact, these are your most prized possessions. People just don't understand this. This makes me a perfectly normal individual, but stuck in a vault against his own will. You cannot even conceive how complicated my life is, it would be like a man born blind trying to understand what colors are.
You may have seen me post about games, about hardware, consoles, and stuff. You did never seen me talking about playing a videogame, I cannot. Nor listening to music, nor watching a flick. I cannot do that anymore. There are memories. But then again, I hold on tight onto my passions, which are fully intact. If you were in my place, would you still follow videogames, movies, music, and stuff or get sick of it all? I chose to learn as much as possible, and to follow still my passions, and I am frankly proud. I was on welfare, I now work and I get money, and since I cannot do anything with that but trying to make me happy, I spend it on my passions. My DVD collection, my video game collections have never been so big. Recently I got Resident Evil 4. Before that, I made sure to have the component cables ready for the time the game would be released. I tought I would be cured, but a complete cure (which is what will happen) will need more time, so no such luck. I look at the box, I look at my videogame and movie kit I set up while knowing I cannot experience it until I am cured, always trying to go for the long run.
Can you imagine how fucking hard it is not being able to play this masterpiece? I've got great PC Games too, I got Metroid Prime 2, Metal Gear Solid 3, Halo 2, Paper Mario 2, I tried to get all the biggest hits, and the greatest movies. It's hard while looking at my bookshelves not to sometimes take that and throw it in my garbage can, but this is what I've done, and I am proud of. Someday, like a phoenix, I will be reborn from my ashes into a man. Since nothing is wrong with me, I will have a perfectly good life! I lost half my weight, and took good care of myself, so not only am I not an ogre anymore, I might well have become an handsome young man. Unfortunately, patience must prevail. And it's hard. My ears and eyes keep getting worse, because we try to calm my nerves, and all the neuropathical pain shit the tumor spawned, which causes my sensibilities to almost any stimulus. Sometimes, I suffer so much I want to die. I don't know, maybe I'm brave, maybe I'm a pussy, maybe I'm both. I never attempted suicide, because I was afraid of dying, or not having done anything with my life. I had faith that patience would bring rewards to me in the long run. I worked like an ant instead of singing all summer long like a criked. So here I am, standing here, waiting for a cure.
I might need a surgery, but it's not sure it might help me out. So we prepare everything, and access to one of the 8 or 9 neurosurgeons in Quebec is hard. You cannot conceive on how sometimes, bureaucracy about healthcare in Canada seems to have been conceived by Georges Orwell. So frigging long and hard to get a cure, full of clueless physicians. So I might get one, and be freed from all this. At last. Or we will find the right combination, the right dosage of medication for the neuropathical pain to go away, and I also get cured, I become a man instead of a lurker.
Please don't react to my posts differently if you read this. Yes I cannot experiment pretty much anything, but I like videogames more than ever. I like to recall my memories. I like to analyse, I like to share my passions. I am extremely intelligent, and I have an incredible mind and memory. I had to fine tune it to get something out of this healthcare system, and it's incredible. I cannot wait until I can finally experiment everything, my life will be a living dream.
Sorry for the novel I just wrote. This was not meant as a blog, I just wanted to try to really explain how my life was. While awaiting a cure, life stinks, my life's gone down the pan. The goal of my thread is, I want to know if you think you can help, in any way, to make me feel better. However, it's a tricky road, but the destination is awesome, even if I feel like a Don Quixote.
Please do not suggest medical, or tricks as for my senses and health, I've tried everything. Sorry for my redondance.
I have a life in theory. I'm sure some philosophers would kill to be in such a state, but I'm just an ordinary man. I want to enjoy life, I want to go beyond the pain, the broken dreams that make for my daily bread, and still enjoy life. I achieve this, but I'm running all out of steam. Of course, going outside, playing games, listening to music, watching flicks, animé or tv shows aren't options for all I've said above. There is not much left. I have the Internet, I have my computer, but except for theory, I cannot enjoy my current life much. Even then, I cannot abuse it because my pupils get dilated like melons. I have to find imaginative solutions to find enjoyment. I want to wash away the sorrow, I want to feel happy and to laugh without feeling awkward. I really enjoy magazines. I have accumulated a huge load of video game and movie magazines. When my senses went berserk in the end of 2003, I had to stop everything. I can only bear a computer screen because I have found a good LCD monitor. I basically, for a long while, couldn't do jack but to talk on the phone, talk to people (when they were in my house, so just sporadically), think about my life, walk around in my house and admire my possessions. That sucked hard. I looked at my huge stacks of PC Gamers and EGMs.
I tried to look at them, but I had presbitism and my eyes were hurt so I had to refrain. One day I couldn't cope with it anymore, I tried to read a magazine. It was the EGM with The Getaway: Black Monday on the cover. I could not believe it when I did not lost focus of my eyes, and I could read the articles! I kid you not, I cried tears of joy upon that magazine. I could read again, wow! I read the reviews and learned about games I had lost contact with. I read Seanbaby, and I laughed with good heartedness. I read every magazine I had as days went by. I read PC Gamers, I remembered the good old day when I would play adventure games, go to lan parties, crash the network in college while playing Quake 2 with my buds. I read about the console, the games, and I got found memories. Unfortunately, I cannot read much of what is printed now, because my eyes are sensitive to patterns, it's like my vision is too sharp. Fortunately, I can still use the Internet. I do not visit a lot of websites, most of the times, the colors or patterns, the fonts will bothe me too much. GAF, I can but not too much, the fonts are not right enough. I tried everything to adjust settings better, but I cannot read too much. I read tons of intelligent discussions, and I enjoy all of this. But I also have to skip tons of discussions, that I really miss.
I like internet forums, but I need something else. I need to feel human again. I have so many problems, I do not use IRC, I cannot cope with any software because of colors and patterns. I use MSN, I chat with friends, but ultimately it's superficial, I still need something more. I have no interest in porn. I am not a sex freak. I'm just a romantic guy, I always discarted short term relationships with girls. So no, sexual arousement would not appeal to me in any form. But I cannot meet a girl, I would need to go out to clubs, to a movie theater, to just get out! I want to go to EBGames and deal with the underpaid nagging clerks instead of ordering my games online! That just cannot happen, painful visual stimulis and music refrain me from everything. I thus cannot make new friends, and meet a girl. Altough my physical appearance is now quite nice, I'm stuck. But my feelings don't stop. It's the worst thing in the universe, you have feelings, you have instincts, and you've got to fight with them against you will!
I'd like to make a new girlfriend, but it's utopic until I am cured, when I will be I'll be succesfull, but I do not know when that will happen, other then in a relatively short term. My feelings are rusting me, but I must cope. God that is hard. I have no friends who can come toward me. Save for a lucky coincidence, I will have to rely on myself. I don't know, it was not like me, but I'm sure there are moments in your life when you tought you were virtually dead. Of course you could go out, but I cannot, and ultimately, the problems still remain. Same things with your hobbies. Same things I guess for your relatives. When I could do all that, the things I missed took all the center stage in my life. So when you were like that, you did not wanted to wake up, I guess you had at some point to accept yourself, to just like yourself. I look at my mug in the mirror. I have a stache, and it's grown all of a sudden! It really makes me realized I'm not a teen anymore. The mirror never lies, and it makes me see not a little boy, but a man. Yes, people tell me I'm nice, cute, entertaining, intelligent and all, but that does not heals my wounds. How could I succeed in boosting my self-esteem, to like myself? I look back at what I have done, I am pround, but as for now, I cannot like the man I saw in the mirror, in my man I'm still a teen, I have not been able to live my youth, so I'm like, not able to accept myself as a man yet.
For sure I must do things I am proud of. I repair PCs, and I enjoy that. I will fiddle for hours on end to fix that goddamn piece of silicon junk, I feel like a surgeon. It's nothing, it does not gives me much money, that's something I can be proud of, but it can only go so far, and it went too far, I need more somehow. I will play with my HDTV I cannot even watch, I will optimize the cables, so that all the consoles will be setup with the best cables, I modify my setup, I'm in the back of my tv with a gazillion cables, trying to build something. This kind of thing I can do, but I cannot bear watching the screen when the TV is powered on at all. I don't know if any of you have suffered serious diseases and had to go through some similar stages as I did. What could I do to feel better? I've done a good job, but I am tired of living in theory, I want to experiment life! There's a beautiful forest behind my house, I want to look at the pretty view, I want to get out, but it's not worth it because of my fuxored senses. It's like thigns are right in front of me, but I cannot experiment them. I look at my videogames, my movies, I feel like Ulysse bend to a pillar with the mermaids singing.
Unfortunaltely would be like Adam Sandler in Punch-Drunk Love if I tried phone sex. I have a hard time looking for a day to come instead of the endless darkest night ever. But have you seen Monty Python and the holy grail? I'm like that knight who just won't die, when I think I'm virtually a lost cause, somehow I rise up and I'm not wrecked yet. Or better yet, I'm like Little Mac. I don't know how many continues I have got. That's stressfull. Everytime I have a hardknock, I manage to press a quickly enough to rise and rise, time and time again. Now I'm against Mike Tyson, I want to beat him and be the world champion. I'm made strong. I would need some help to heal my wounds while rising up for my final fight.
Of course, psychologists don't help. No, I'm not insane, I don't need a shrink. I cannot rely on my family. I do not enjoy creating a blog, I'd rather tough to myself other then warming me up with writing things online. I feel like someone speaking in a feel of crickets, only without the sound of crickets, so if there's no communication, it's of no use to me.
That's pretty much it. If I spawned confusion, melancoly, any kind of bad feelings for you, I'm sincerely sorry and I apologize. I know it's almost impossible. Keeping in mind the limitations I cannot go further, what could help me feel better? Drugs don't work, alcohol would only mess my pills and thus my healing. Of course, what can someone reply to this? I expect no miracles. I except some kind of respect however. I know there are alot of incredibly interesting and imaginative individuals here, if you can help me, even if you are not sure, please try, it might well help me out. You'd be a good samaritan!
I'm sober, I'm sane, and it's not a prank, seriously these kinds of things do not invent themselves. Save for that thread, I plan to read and post a little on GAF just like I always did. But guys, if you think you can help a buddy out, I'd like if you would try.
Or at least, if you play a FPS, blast some zombies and demons in my place.
I read the off-topic forums for a while, and I think that you may or may not be able to provide maybe a glimpse of help, which I desperately need and have no place to turn onto. Please, this is going to be long, if you read quickly, go to the games forum. If you want to be ironic, please be careful, if you want to flame, put some meat on your bone at least. And I am not an attention whore, I know better, sure here cynism is everywhere, but there are many sensible persons that I appreciate readingI don't know where to begin, I think I may well be the most intricate sick person in the world.
In late 2003, following a scan, a tumor was found into my brain. And so was explained to me why my senses were collapsing day by day since late 1997 at least. In january of 1998, I heard my first tinnituses. Later, my eyes began to get ultra-sensitive to everything. People did not knew how to deal with me, and my confidence in others didn't helped me out. A stubborn neurologist refused a scan, even if I insisted, which clearly would have shown the tumor. Later, everytime I would say that the problem would be something like this, this jerk' 5 minutes of stupidity while I sat in his office would sweep me away. So people gave me all kinds of pills.When you are an adult, and you are not told what you take (it's to help you, fuck yeah, right), or even less it's side effects, that's just... criminal. So people gave me pills, I had confidence. Afterwards, I discovered that I was given anything, I felt like I'd been a laboratory rat! People were clueless, but still prescribed me this, and I, desperate to cure my senses, trusted the doctors and took it. After the tumor's discovery, I gathered everything I was given. I was shocked. Luckily I quickly stopped all that shit. Christ, stuff given to mentally insane people, to depressive people, I've always been one hundred percent sane, and I have never been in a depression despite the sadicism my life went through.
Then, I quickly took back the strings of my own life, I searched for everything for a better cure. Healthcare is sometimes hard as fuck in Canada, so I had only my imagination and my knowledge to help me out. I had google too.
So I gathered everything, I found a doctor I could trust, I went into a neurological center, and in the end, I am treated right now with exactly what I suggested in the first place, I confused all skepticals, prominent doctors, I'm quite proud of this accomplishment. The tumor (non-malignent, thank God) has train-wrecked my life. It had probably spawned when I hit puberty, it was undiscovered until almost twelve years later. I began to be obese, and then morbidly obese, and so I was bullied to death in high school. I remember my father thinking I was eating too much, wanting me to be like everyone else, yelling: "Lay off the fatty food, you eat too much, don't go to Burger King anymore!" My father little did he know what was happening. And I saw the others kids eating pizzas and burgers applenty, I barely ate a Whopper and my father would get bad at me. I learned wisdom, I kept a low profile, and escaped highschool intact. In september of 1998 I began College, but I always had to trop out of my computer science courses. I had anemia (which I did not have a clue that I had it), I was always tired as hell, I never could concentrate to learn how to program efficient C modules, and in the end of 2001 I definitely dropped out, I was dried out.Since that moment, I had to stay home, I still maintained a normal life. But I could not go back to college because my senses were killing me and I was too tired. My friends however completed it, and moved in Montreal either to study further, or to make a living. And so, I cannot say I have a single friend from my College days in my city anymore, because they are all gone. Either I've completely lost contact, or either they are too busy. No one will come around my house. But I need it, badly. Here are the senses problems I have. Don't try to suggest me ways to get around, either they are non-pragmatic, or I have tried and they make things worse. I have photosensibility, so I virtually always stay home. I can tolerate the sun, but my retinas get burned quickly, and brings pain. I also cannot tolerate any video, animation, whatsoever, no matter how I view it. I have tinnituses, but they don't bother me. However, when I began the pills to make my tumor shrink after I changed treatments, I had severe hyperacusis. Hyperacusis is sensibility to sounds. If I ever listen to 10 seconds of music, I will get intolerable pain, pressure, and vertigo into my ears. And it will take hours to get away. I am sensible to extreme sounds. If a massive object falls on the floor above my head, I will get a similar sensitivity too. Imagine how fun a life it makes.
My retinas will be sensible to almost everything. I will have sporadical chromasensibility, prestibism, so I can use my computer and browse the web, but even at that, plenty of colors, patterns (which produce a moiré like effect, which hurts my eyes to death), fonts, anything, will get in my way. If something makes it that the font is hard to read for my eyes, well my retinas will get the spaces between the lines burned into them all of a sudden, and I have to stop. It hurts like fuck. Can you imagine a life with no video, no games, no music, no... nothing? Everyone tought I would go on and become a great scientist, a great doctor, but a tumor ruined all of my life, I wasted my youth suffering, trying to cure a disease I did not understood until very recetnly. The last video game I have played is Soul Calibur 2 on Xbox, the last movie, I viewed the first Back to the Future DVD, in september of 2003. I also watched my last tv show in that month. Since then, I cannot stand zilch.
And with hyperacusis, I had to kiss my social life, and pretty much, my life goodbye. I feel like I live in a nuclear vault, like I am stuck in an Aquarium, seeing the world around me, trying to keep that out of mind but not being able to help it in the end. Since I cannot tolerate music, which is everywhere, I cannot go nowhere. I strictly only go outside to medical appointments (which I stictly administrate) and a few sporadical meetings with my family. Outside of this, I stay home, all the time. I just have to! Otherwise, it would be suicide for my senses. Remember guys, you sure have your ears and eyes fully intact, these are your most prized possessions. People just don't understand this. This makes me a perfectly normal individual, but stuck in a vault against his own will. You cannot even conceive how complicated my life is, it would be like a man born blind trying to understand what colors are.
You may have seen me post about games, about hardware, consoles, and stuff. You did never seen me talking about playing a videogame, I cannot. Nor listening to music, nor watching a flick. I cannot do that anymore. There are memories. But then again, I hold on tight onto my passions, which are fully intact. If you were in my place, would you still follow videogames, movies, music, and stuff or get sick of it all? I chose to learn as much as possible, and to follow still my passions, and I am frankly proud. I was on welfare, I now work and I get money, and since I cannot do anything with that but trying to make me happy, I spend it on my passions. My DVD collection, my video game collections have never been so big. Recently I got Resident Evil 4. Before that, I made sure to have the component cables ready for the time the game would be released. I tought I would be cured, but a complete cure (which is what will happen) will need more time, so no such luck. I look at the box, I look at my videogame and movie kit I set up while knowing I cannot experience it until I am cured, always trying to go for the long run.
Can you imagine how fucking hard it is not being able to play this masterpiece? I've got great PC Games too, I got Metroid Prime 2, Metal Gear Solid 3, Halo 2, Paper Mario 2, I tried to get all the biggest hits, and the greatest movies. It's hard while looking at my bookshelves not to sometimes take that and throw it in my garbage can, but this is what I've done, and I am proud of. Someday, like a phoenix, I will be reborn from my ashes into a man. Since nothing is wrong with me, I will have a perfectly good life! I lost half my weight, and took good care of myself, so not only am I not an ogre anymore, I might well have become an handsome young man. Unfortunately, patience must prevail. And it's hard. My ears and eyes keep getting worse, because we try to calm my nerves, and all the neuropathical pain shit the tumor spawned, which causes my sensibilities to almost any stimulus. Sometimes, I suffer so much I want to die. I don't know, maybe I'm brave, maybe I'm a pussy, maybe I'm both. I never attempted suicide, because I was afraid of dying, or not having done anything with my life. I had faith that patience would bring rewards to me in the long run. I worked like an ant instead of singing all summer long like a criked. So here I am, standing here, waiting for a cure.
I might need a surgery, but it's not sure it might help me out. So we prepare everything, and access to one of the 8 or 9 neurosurgeons in Quebec is hard. You cannot conceive on how sometimes, bureaucracy about healthcare in Canada seems to have been conceived by Georges Orwell. So frigging long and hard to get a cure, full of clueless physicians. So I might get one, and be freed from all this. At last. Or we will find the right combination, the right dosage of medication for the neuropathical pain to go away, and I also get cured, I become a man instead of a lurker.
Please don't react to my posts differently if you read this. Yes I cannot experiment pretty much anything, but I like videogames more than ever. I like to recall my memories. I like to analyse, I like to share my passions. I am extremely intelligent, and I have an incredible mind and memory. I had to fine tune it to get something out of this healthcare system, and it's incredible. I cannot wait until I can finally experiment everything, my life will be a living dream.
Sorry for the novel I just wrote. This was not meant as a blog, I just wanted to try to really explain how my life was. While awaiting a cure, life stinks, my life's gone down the pan. The goal of my thread is, I want to know if you think you can help, in any way, to make me feel better. However, it's a tricky road, but the destination is awesome, even if I feel like a Don Quixote.
Please do not suggest medical, or tricks as for my senses and health, I've tried everything. Sorry for my redondance.
I have a life in theory. I'm sure some philosophers would kill to be in such a state, but I'm just an ordinary man. I want to enjoy life, I want to go beyond the pain, the broken dreams that make for my daily bread, and still enjoy life. I achieve this, but I'm running all out of steam. Of course, going outside, playing games, listening to music, watching flicks, animé or tv shows aren't options for all I've said above. There is not much left. I have the Internet, I have my computer, but except for theory, I cannot enjoy my current life much. Even then, I cannot abuse it because my pupils get dilated like melons. I have to find imaginative solutions to find enjoyment. I want to wash away the sorrow, I want to feel happy and to laugh without feeling awkward. I really enjoy magazines. I have accumulated a huge load of video game and movie magazines. When my senses went berserk in the end of 2003, I had to stop everything. I can only bear a computer screen because I have found a good LCD monitor. I basically, for a long while, couldn't do jack but to talk on the phone, talk to people (when they were in my house, so just sporadically), think about my life, walk around in my house and admire my possessions. That sucked hard. I looked at my huge stacks of PC Gamers and EGMs.
I tried to look at them, but I had presbitism and my eyes were hurt so I had to refrain. One day I couldn't cope with it anymore, I tried to read a magazine. It was the EGM with The Getaway: Black Monday on the cover. I could not believe it when I did not lost focus of my eyes, and I could read the articles! I kid you not, I cried tears of joy upon that magazine. I could read again, wow! I read the reviews and learned about games I had lost contact with. I read Seanbaby, and I laughed with good heartedness. I read every magazine I had as days went by. I read PC Gamers, I remembered the good old day when I would play adventure games, go to lan parties, crash the network in college while playing Quake 2 with my buds. I read about the console, the games, and I got found memories. Unfortunately, I cannot read much of what is printed now, because my eyes are sensitive to patterns, it's like my vision is too sharp. Fortunately, I can still use the Internet. I do not visit a lot of websites, most of the times, the colors or patterns, the fonts will bothe me too much. GAF, I can but not too much, the fonts are not right enough. I tried everything to adjust settings better, but I cannot read too much. I read tons of intelligent discussions, and I enjoy all of this. But I also have to skip tons of discussions, that I really miss.
I like internet forums, but I need something else. I need to feel human again. I have so many problems, I do not use IRC, I cannot cope with any software because of colors and patterns. I use MSN, I chat with friends, but ultimately it's superficial, I still need something more. I have no interest in porn. I am not a sex freak. I'm just a romantic guy, I always discarted short term relationships with girls. So no, sexual arousement would not appeal to me in any form. But I cannot meet a girl, I would need to go out to clubs, to a movie theater, to just get out! I want to go to EBGames and deal with the underpaid nagging clerks instead of ordering my games online! That just cannot happen, painful visual stimulis and music refrain me from everything. I thus cannot make new friends, and meet a girl. Altough my physical appearance is now quite nice, I'm stuck. But my feelings don't stop. It's the worst thing in the universe, you have feelings, you have instincts, and you've got to fight with them against you will!
I'd like to make a new girlfriend, but it's utopic until I am cured, when I will be I'll be succesfull, but I do not know when that will happen, other then in a relatively short term. My feelings are rusting me, but I must cope. God that is hard.
I have no friends who can come toward me. Save for a lucky coincidence, I will have to rely on myself. I don't know, it was not like me, but I'm sure there are moments in your life when you tought you were virtually dead. Of course you could go out, but I cannot, and ultimately, the problems still remain. Same things with your hobbies. Same things I guess for your relatives. When I could do all that, the things I missed took all the center stage in my life. So when you were like that, you did not wanted to wake up, I guess you had at some point to accept yourself, to just like yourself. I look at my mug in the mirror. I have a stache, and it's grown all of a sudden! It really makes me realized I'm not a teen anymore. The mirror never lies, and it makes me see not a little boy, but a man. Yes, people tell me I'm nice, cute, entertaining, intelligent and all, but that does not heals my wounds. How could I succeed in boosting my self-esteem, to like myself? I look back at what I have done, I am pround, but as for now, I cannot like the man I saw in the mirror, in my man I'm still a teen, I have not been able to live my youth, so I'm like, not able to accept myself as a man yet.For sure I must do things I am proud of. I repair PCs, and I enjoy that. I will fiddle for hours on end to fix that goddamn piece of silicon junk, I feel like a surgeon. It's nothing, it does not gives me much money, that's something I can be proud of, but it can only go so far, and it went too far, I need more somehow. I will play with my HDTV I cannot even watch, I will optimize the cables, so that all the consoles will be setup with the best cables, I modify my setup, I'm in the back of my tv with a gazillion cables, trying to build something. This kind of thing I can do, but I cannot bear watching the screen when the TV is powered on at all.
I don't know if any of you have suffered serious diseases and had to go through some similar stages as I did. What could I do to feel better? I've done a good job, but I am tired of living in theory, I want to experiment life! There's a beautiful forest behind my house, I want to look at the pretty view, I want to get out, but it's not worth it because of my fuxored senses. It's like thigns are right in front of me, but I cannot experiment them. I look at my videogames, my movies, I feel like Ulysse bend to a pillar with the mermaids singing.Unfortunaltely would be like Adam Sandler in Punch-Drunk Love if I tried phone sex.
I have a hard time looking for a day to come instead of the endless darkest night ever. But have you seen Monty Python and the holy grail? I'm like that knight who just won't die, when I think I'm virtually a lost cause, somehow I rise up and I'm not wrecked yet. Or better yet, I'm like Little Mac. I don't know how many continues I have got. That's stressfull. Everytime I have a hardknock, I manage to press a quickly enough to rise and rise, time and time again. Now I'm against Mike Tyson, I want to beat him and be the world champion. I'm made strong. I would need some help to heal my wounds while rising up for my final fight. Of course, psychologists don't help. No, I'm not insane, I don't need a shrink.
I cannot rely on my family. I do not enjoy creating a blog, I'd rather tough to myself other then warming me up with writing things online. I feel like someone speaking in a feel of crickets, only without the sound of crickets, so if there's no communication, it's of no use to me.That's pretty much it. If I spawned confusion, melancoly, any kind of bad feelings for you, I'm sincerely sorry and I apologize. I know it's almost impossible. Keeping in mind the limitations I cannot go further, what could help me feel better? Drugs don't work, alcohol would only mess my pills and thus my healing. Of course, what can someone reply to this? I expect no miracles. I except some kind of respect however. I know there are alot of incredibly interesting and imaginative individuals here, if you can help me, even if you are not sure, please try, it might well help me out. You'd be a good samaritan!
I'm sober, I'm sane, and it's not a prank, seriously these kinds of things do not invent themselves. Save for that thread, I plan to read and post a little on GAF just like I always did. But guys, if you think you can help a buddy out, I'd like if you would try.
Or at least, if you play a FPS, blast some zombies and demons in my place.