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Haruki Murakami to start an advice column.
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ComputerMKII
Banned
It would have been amazing if David Foster Wallace did that.
Dear Mr. Murakami,
The other day I met a talking cat. We talked about politics for a while and then his female owner came to fetch him. She had an air of mystery about her. As we were going our separate ways, I looked back and they vanished!
What should I do?
Your fan,
Haly
The other day I met a talking cat. We talked about politics for a while and then his female owner came to fetch him. She had an air of mystery about her. As we were going our separate ways, I looked back and they vanished!
What should I do?
Your fan,
Haly
YesNOnoNOYes
Member
Dear Mr. Murakami,
The morning was stagnant and full with undecided weather. My next door neighbour starts to sing faintly near the well that separates our joint back yards. She talks with her hands.
I think there is a wall that speaks back from inside the well. She is both sad and mysterious and she needs a lot of sex.
What do?
Your reader,
ynnny
The morning was stagnant and full with undecided weather. My next door neighbour starts to sing faintly near the well that separates our joint back yards. She talks with her hands.
I think there is a wall that speaks back from inside the well. She is both sad and mysterious and she needs a lot of sex.
What do?
Your reader,
ynnny
Oh man that would have been... crazy. Not sure how I could see that turning out well.
meltingparappa
Member
Ruki-kuuun,
Is Quiet really Chico in disguise? What do you think of her ears?
Pls write back soon.
Is Quiet really Chico in disguise? What do you think of her ears?
Pls write back soon.
Dear Murakami-sempai,
The other day I was kinda raped by a intangible inconceivable aspect of the human collective while Al Green was playing in the background, what kind of secluded place should I go to ponder about this for what seems months but its actually days?
Signed,
Fat guy that has a totally normal Head.
The other day I was kinda raped by a intangible inconceivable aspect of the human collective while Al Green was playing in the background, what kind of secluded place should I go to ponder about this for what seems months but its actually days?
Signed,
Fat guy that has a totally normal Head.
Dear Mr. Murakami,
Yesterday morning I was listening to Freddie Hubbards excellent record, Red Clay, when I recieved a phone call from an unknown number. The person on the end of the line was female, with a cat-like voice. She asked how my day was and asked whether or not I like cats. Right when I was about to answer she hung up.
How should I take this?
Yours,
A balding, middle aged salary man.
Yesterday morning I was listening to Freddie Hubbards excellent record, Red Clay, when I recieved a phone call from an unknown number. The person on the end of the line was female, with a cat-like voice. She asked how my day was and asked whether or not I like cats. Right when I was about to answer she hung up.
How should I take this?
Yours,
A balding, middle aged salary man.
Drink some whisky, listen to some classic rock, and reminisce about all the sex you had when you were a student activist.
(Answer applies to all subsequent questions as well)
-Murakami
Spaced Harrier
Member
Dear Murakami-san
Last week while riding the shinkansen on an unusually quiet day, I was thinking about the married woman I occasionally see, when my train of thoughts were interupted by the beverage trolley.
I looked up and over the aroma of freshly brewed coffee noticed an odd schoolgirl with vacant eyes listening to the Dave Clarke five. It triggered something in me that has been missing.
Should I continue to see the married woman?
Kinds regards
Spaced Harrier
Last week while riding the shinkansen on an unusually quiet day, I was thinking about the married woman I occasionally see, when my train of thoughts were interupted by the beverage trolley.
I looked up and over the aroma of freshly brewed coffee noticed an odd schoolgirl with vacant eyes listening to the Dave Clarke five. It triggered something in me that has been missing.
Should I continue to see the married woman?
Kinds regards
Spaced Harrier
Sounds like the worst advice column ever. Every one of his responses would be "Kill Yourself" and then a 4 paragraph footnote.
The best one imo.
Dear Mr. Murakami,
I had to break off a phone sex conversation with a mysterious stranger(god, don't you hate those?) to find my cat, but this 16 year old kept whispering in my ear until I fell asleep instead. Waking up, I had to head back home to have dinner with my menstruating wife who wasted little time hoisting another woman on me. This latest one likes to wear red vinyl hats, she channels psychic powers through mineral water or something. When will your dear, freshly unemployed 28 year old fan just catch a respite, don't they know I find all of this annoying?
Yours,
desultory, flaccid protagonist
I had to break off a phone sex conversation with a mysterious stranger(god, don't you hate those?) to find my cat, but this 16 year old kept whispering in my ear until I fell asleep instead. Waking up, I had to head back home to have dinner with my menstruating wife who wasted little time hoisting another woman on me. This latest one likes to wear red vinyl hats, she channels psychic powers through mineral water or something. When will your dear, freshly unemployed 28 year old fan just catch a respite, don't they know I find all of this annoying?
Yours,
desultory, flaccid protagonist
D
Deleted member 231381
Unconfirmed Member
man, literary GAF you are some fucking brutal sons of bitches. Murakami going to be needing his own agony aunt at this rate
Dear Mr. Murakami,
The other day I was enjoying some mid-grade Scotch and jazz music while preparing myself a simple pasta dish for dinner, when there came a knocking at the door. I answered, only to find the nubile young neighbor girl on the other side. She came in and we talked for several hours, as tends to happen when young attractive women find themselves in the presence of sophisticated older men such as ourselves. After several hours, I was drunk to the point of immobility, and she had sex with me. I'm pretty sure the sex was of cosmic significance though, so I think it's all ok? What do you think?
Signed,
Iksenpets
PS - I'm think she turned into a cat when she left?
The other day I was enjoying some mid-grade Scotch and jazz music while preparing myself a simple pasta dish for dinner, when there came a knocking at the door. I answered, only to find the nubile young neighbor girl on the other side. She came in and we talked for several hours, as tends to happen when young attractive women find themselves in the presence of sophisticated older men such as ourselves. After several hours, I was drunk to the point of immobility, and she had sex with me. I'm pretty sure the sex was of cosmic significance though, so I think it's all ok? What do you think?
Signed,
Iksenpets
PS - I'm think she turned into a cat when she left?
Zeouterlimits
Member
I love it, lots of these are spot on.
Lololol this got me
Was the cat a liberal or a conservative?
He was conservative on fiscal issues but liberal when it came to civil rights.
How conservative are we talking about? Was the cat an Ayn Rand fan? I bet he was. The fucker.
The cat was a siamese, so very much Glenn Beck-level.
YesNOnoNOYes
Member
Please.
Is one of your breasts a cat? That would explain the mystery.
Yours,
Obscure Poignancy
1Q84 spoilers:
You should care more about your dead friend than your small breasts.
#NotAllSiameses
dakkumauji
Member
Dear Mr. Murakami,
Why did the guy who I think gave me a blowjob in my dreams suddenly disappeared from my life?
Respectfully,
Mr. Colorless
Why did the guy who I think gave me a blowjob in my dreams suddenly disappeared from my life?
Respectfully,
Mr. Colorless
Mr. Saturn
Member
I can't tell if some (really most) of the posters in here hate Murakami or they're making fun of him or they like him though based on what I've read of his books it seems fairly accurate.
Well hate might be too strong a word now that I think about it.
I never thought about that, Aomame is a horrible human being.
I like his stuff, there's just parts that stick out and I feel compelled to make fun of.
I actually really like Murakami. I tease because I love.
Mutanthands
Member
I love Murakami, and I think this thread is spot on hilarious. It's gentle laughter. Mixed with whiskey and sex with younger women.
super-famicom
Member
Haly,
Go sit in a well and contemplate your existence while drinking some whisky.
Your pal,
Murakami
I'm a huge Murakami fan
Stereogatari
Banned
I read the first chapters of two of his books before Xmas (1Q84 and Hard Boiled Wonderland). Great stuff, I should have read his works years ago when I first heard of him.
terrisus
Member
That's a winning combination right there!
Mutanthands
Member
Dear Mr Murakami,
I recently reconnected with the sweetheart of my deacesed childhood friend. After a night of physical and metaphysical sexual release, she committed suicide. I subsequently ran into the older friend of my dead friend's sweetheart. We proceeded to have passionate sexual relations in honor of her memory.
Should I invite her to the funeral?
Sincerely,
Confused College Horndog
I recently reconnected with the sweetheart of my deacesed childhood friend. After a night of physical and metaphysical sexual release, she committed suicide. I subsequently ran into the older friend of my dead friend's sweetheart. We proceeded to have passionate sexual relations in honor of her memory.
Should I invite her to the funeral?
Sincerely,
Confused College Horndog
CheesecakeRecipe
Stormy Grey
Empty,
First, I would recommend a radio of some kind. Preferably one that can handle the high, treble-heavy notes of an orchestra. Put on the classical radio station, or, if you have it on hand, I'd recommend a european composer. Franz Liszt comes to mind. Place it on the windowsill in your kitchen, or perhaps on the deck by a cigarette slowly embering itself down to ashes, and play said music at high volume.
Next, I want you to grab two slices of bread from the loaf in the fridge, some turkey, a small, sun-ripened tomato, some lettuce, a piece of onion and a small canister of mustard. Layer the ingredients in the order which suits you. Let the music dictate your movements. After you have arranged everything together with such vivid artistry it could be put on display at MOMA, press the two bread halves together and grab the closest knife. Cut the sandwich in half with as much fervor as a starving, dehydrated soldier in the Chinese forests who has converted to cannibalism would do to the man who got them lost in the first place. Choose a beer of your selection from the fridge, though not too expensive a beer due to your lack of a job, and enjoy your meal at the dinner table.
Yours,
Murakami.
StMeph,
A bar. Contemplative jazz. The smell of blood, sweat, 27 years of disappointment, and with all the subtle spice of an ashtray. Add 3 parts Cutty Sark to one parts ice. Let ice melt subtly. You'll know when to take a sip when a strange woman enters the room. She will be wearing a white blouse, vinyl hat and business heels with black polka dots all over. She will sit at your table as you take the first sip. Be prepared to answer her questions promptly. Remember the name of her cat that she will mention. It will be the key you will need to understand. Pour some more Cutty Sark.
You may see her again on the street after your meeting that night. She won't remember you, as it will be her twin sister. She will inform you that her sister has gone off to a Greek island somewhere in search of herself. What color was her cat's fur, and why does her sisters' attire remind you of said cat?
Sincerely,
Murakami
I love his books, but this thread has made me laugh with every submission. You learn to recognize the same props after a few stories.
YesNOnoNOYes
Member
Hahah yes. I've been chuckling at work, reading through people's posts. Brilliant stuff. Great observation, LitGAF!!!
Thanks!
That's a pretty exhaustive response. I would also have accepted: listen to The Beatles and make up your own lyrics.
Query #2:
Sometimes I feel like every person on this planet is connected together by a thread. Not twine like you'd truss a chicken with, but thick woolen yarn, or something. The problem is that I feel like I don't have this connection with people, and when I look at others I fear that I might never have had it in the first place.
When I wake up, my dog looks at me with her head tilted slightly to the right, as if asking, "Why aren't you like everyone else?" I can't look at her for longer than a few seconds before I leap out of bed to go brush my teeth, because I can't meet her gaze.
Is the moon made of ice?
Yup, as others have said, he recycles a lot of ideas. Heck I recently finished Colorless Tsukuru and expected the whole
rape of Shiro/Yuzu to be another dream state deal that'd get actually get explained.
also, just from this thread alone;
ZanzibarBreeze
Member
These are all terrific.
Hopefully some of the real ones make it into English, but I guess it's quite the long shot. The Time article says that submissions from a variety of languages will be accepted, but I wonder what that volume will end up being.
Hopefully some of the real ones make it into English, but I guess it's quite the long shot. The Time article says that submissions from a variety of languages will be accepted, but I wonder what that volume will end up being.
BUNTING1243
Banned
Dear Murakami-sempai,
My girlfriend and I decided before we went on separate tripsmine was for a court case in Philadelphia, her's for her mother's birthday party in Chicagothat we would probably be okay with each other sleeping with other people as long as we discussed it beforehand to make sure we are taking each others feelings into account.
We had ground rules clearly laid out. After my two day drive up, she called me and told me that she had a guy eat her out and if it was okay for her to sleep with the guy. First I was in shock and as the day grew longer I just got more upset about it. I got her to admit that she blew the guy and I just felt so cheated because we where already trying to take each others sexual desires into account. All she had to do was call and say this guy wants to go out later or I'm going out later with this guy, how do you feel about that, is it okay we fool around? Instead she just proceed.
I feel cheated and naive. I was always trusting and thought we had great sexual chemistry. (The day I left, we has sex twice.) We live together and moved to a new city together recently too. I've been attacked trying to save her before and been through crazy shit with her. I loved her more than anything in this world before this but now I feel really conflicted. I feel like I've given so much and all she had to do was take my emotions into account.
Should I tell her to move out and move back with her parents in another state? She can't really afford to live on her own. I'm 28 and she's 23.
My girlfriend and I decided before we went on separate tripsmine was for a court case in Philadelphia, her's for her mother's birthday party in Chicagothat we would probably be okay with each other sleeping with other people as long as we discussed it beforehand to make sure we are taking each others feelings into account.
We had ground rules clearly laid out. After my two day drive up, she called me and told me that she had a guy eat her out and if it was okay for her to sleep with the guy. First I was in shock and as the day grew longer I just got more upset about it. I got her to admit that she blew the guy and I just felt so cheated because we where already trying to take each others sexual desires into account. All she had to do was call and say this guy wants to go out later or I'm going out later with this guy, how do you feel about that, is it okay we fool around? Instead she just proceed.
I feel cheated and naive. I was always trusting and thought we had great sexual chemistry. (The day I left, we has sex twice.) We live together and moved to a new city together recently too. I've been attacked trying to save her before and been through crazy shit with her. I loved her more than anything in this world before this but now I feel really conflicted. I feel like I've given so much and all she had to do was take my emotions into account.
Should I tell her to move out and move back with her parents in another state? She can't really afford to live on her own. I'm 28 and she's 23.
MudoSkills
Volcano High Alumnus (Cum Laude)
He's just going to tell everyone to go underground, listen to jazz, drink whiskey, and possibly fall in love with a teenager.
I can't tell if that's a troll or not, bravo.
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