No man. I had this exact same discussion with my daughter's after-school care provider. She was completely taken aback when someone asked her when they were going to have another; like it's unfair to an only child. Right now, because of the political and actual climate, my wife and I are fine with just one. I feel bad enough bringing my daughter into this catastrophe. Obviously our worldview has changed dramatically since November.
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Is it selfish to have just one child?
- Thread starter JJH
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basic_element
Member
Of course she will have friends and have a mate and start her own family, but nothing replaces core family members. I have 3 siblings and my wife and friends can't substitute for that. What does this have to be with being a patriots fan?
TheTylerRob
Member
No it's not selfish but only children are weird, spoiled little shits.
How About No
Member
Now the real question is is it selfish to only have children cuz u see everyone else of GAF have them
Now this is sports bashing I can get behind
Hmm. Is that so.
Now this is sports bashing I can get behind
Hmm. Is that so.
It's kinda so :|
AyaisMUsikWhore
Member
Of course not op. At the end of the day, a child is still a huge investment.
However if I was in your shoes, I grew up in a big family 7 siblings all living in the same house, I could not just have one child. I really don't know what I'd do without my siblings. I always come across friends and such who have no siblings, but when they come around me and my family, see us argue over petty stuff but then forget about that and break into some whole house sing a long stuff - you can see on their face how sad they are that they don't have any...but...that's not everyone. I mean, there's always time for one down the road and you can adopt if needed. No rush tbh....as long as the kid has a good friend or cousin they can hang around a lot, then having another kid would be of no concern.
However if I was in your shoes, I grew up in a big family 7 siblings all living in the same house, I could not just have one child. I really don't know what I'd do without my siblings. I always come across friends and such who have no siblings, but when they come around me and my family, see us argue over petty stuff but then forget about that and break into some whole house sing a long stuff - you can see on their face how sad they are that they don't have any...but...that's not everyone. I mean, there's always time for one down the road and you can adopt if needed. No rush tbh....as long as the kid has a good friend or cousin they can hang around a lot, then having another kid would be of no concern.
miller.skippins
Banned
what's wrong with people nowadays? Why are they having 'guilt trip' on everything?
Next thing, someone will tell me to stop drinking live active culture yoghurts because those 'bacterias' are 'in pain' in my digestive system....
So some people think it's better to put oneself in a dire financial situation to have a 2nd child when they barely can afford the 1st one? Where's the logic in that?
Next thing, someone will tell me to stop drinking live active culture yoghurts because those 'bacterias' are 'in pain' in my digestive system....
So some people think it's better to put oneself in a dire financial situation to have a 2nd child when they barely can afford the 1st one? Where's the logic in that?
I'm not a parent, but I don't think you're being selfish.
I'm an only child, and it SUCKED growing up as one. It's really lonely. I remember crying when my friends had to go home, because I knew I would just go back to being lonely again.
Having said that, I never once resented my parents for it. It would've been hard to raise me and another kid, and it was cheap back then compared to now. It's something that you and your wife will need to discuss quite a bit, and be really sure that's what you want. If you can have another child without it being too much of a financial burden that's great; your kid will probably be much happier having a little brother or sister to play with and protect. If you don't end up having another one though, it's okay. It'll be tough, but your child will manage.
I'm an only child, and it SUCKED growing up as one. It's really lonely. I remember crying when my friends had to go home, because I knew I would just go back to being lonely again.
Having said that, I never once resented my parents for it. It would've been hard to raise me and another kid, and it was cheap back then compared to now. It's something that you and your wife will need to discuss quite a bit, and be really sure that's what you want. If you can have another child without it being too much of a financial burden that's great; your kid will probably be much happier having a little brother or sister to play with and protect. If you don't end up having another one though, it's okay. It'll be tough, but your child will manage.
Fulminator
Member
I don't think it's selfish, no, but I do think that having siblings could reduce feelings of loneliness that a child could experience
i'm glad i have siblings. my brother is 5.5 years younger than me but he's one of my best friends and having him around growing up was really cool.
Of course I don't think you should go beyond your means. If you can't afford another child then having one would probably just strain you more than it would benefit you (lifestyle wise)
i'm glad i have siblings. my brother is 5.5 years younger than me but he's one of my best friends and having him around growing up was really cool.
Of course I don't think you should go beyond your means. If you can't afford another child then having one would probably just strain you more than it would benefit you (lifestyle wise)
Japanmanx3
Member
Umm, no...
One Eyed Willy
Member
On the contrary, kids before 30 means they're grown before you're 50 and you have decades of your life where you and your partner can do what you want. I know too many people to count who had, or are currently having kids very late 30s/early 40s. These people will be almost 60 when their kids graduate HS let alone hit 25 and really are independent. Thats rough, also playing on the ground or sports with kids when you're 50+ is a lot harder than being 20 or early 30 something.
Trust me, saying its good to travel and do things as a young couple sounds great, it does. But when reality sets in that you're 38, 39 or 40 something and having kids while most of the people your age have 10-12 year olds who are incredibly independent and who have their lives in the palm of their hand..."whoops!". Kids are tiring, being 40/50 something raising kids is really the nightmare fuel to be honest.
Also, I have 2 siblings and nobody has student loan debt. Saving for your kids' college instead of buying things will do that.
basic_element
Member
Agreed. Wish I had my children 5 - 7 years earlier.
only a patriots fan would fail to understand that was a harmless joke. checkmate, brady.
If only people had managed to work out ways of paying off that money and leading successful lives.
In the grand scheme of life, 20k in debt is nothing when its able to be repaid on reasonable terms.
basic_element
Member
lol, I'm not a patriots fan but don't hate them like many people do. At least they keep winning.
itwasTuesday
He wasn't alone.
don't be mad cause I had a snes and a genesis
you are always welcome to come over and play.
It's not selfish because that doesn't take into account if you can financially support another kid or if you have the time or the time your wife has to be away from work.
That being said, I am an only child and my parents were not even middle class (so it wasn't like I was spoiled). I hated it. Having someone to talk to that wasn't my parents for important issues would have helped immensely. Also I wrote my thesis on only children. While there is no statistically significant difference between depression rate among only children and children with siblings, there was a statistically significant increase in loneliness in my results, which is something that could lead to other problems.
That being said, I am an only child and my parents were not even middle class (so it wasn't like I was spoiled). I hated it. Having someone to talk to that wasn't my parents for important issues would have helped immensely. Also I wrote my thesis on only children. While there is no statistically significant difference between depression rate among only children and children with siblings, there was a statistically significant increase in loneliness in my results, which is something that could lead to other problems.
One Eyed Willy
Member
Thanks, all the kids in this thread are beautiful. I love seeing parents excited about their kids, for me it was the moment my life I suddenly had genuine purpose when I was always driven and purpose-filled. 10,000 words can't describe what this means, but every parent can likely understand.
On topic, I should have added I grew up the middle child with 2 siblings. It was great, we played, beat each other up, cried, and as adults were in each others weddings and shed more tears. Being an only child I'm sure would have been great too, I just don't have that perspective. I grew up with 2 blood friends, and they live a mile from me today.
basic_element
Member
Selfish doesn't seem to be the right word. My wife is an only child and she is extremely against people only having one child. We both believe it should be have two or have none. She feels like it was a huge detriment to her early social skills in regards to getting along with others. She also never had to share or consider others, and on occasion I can see shadows of that when she has an instinctual and brief fit about me using something she thinks of as "hers". She also felt lonely a lot growing up.
Her parents also put everything on her. All expectations placed on her shoulders alone. Everything they wanted in a child was on her shoulders alone.
There is also the potential financial burden that might arise as her parents age. One that her and I will shoulder on our own.
Every only child will obviously have a different experience, especially if they have a large extended family. But her concerns seem to make sense to me. Obviously being an only child didn't make her a bad person, otherwise I wouldn't be with her. But she has made it clear she hated being an only child.
Her parents also put everything on her. All expectations placed on her shoulders alone. Everything they wanted in a child was on her shoulders alone.
There is also the potential financial burden that might arise as her parents age. One that her and I will shoulder on our own.
Every only child will obviously have a different experience, especially if they have a large extended family. But her concerns seem to make sense to me. Obviously being an only child didn't make her a bad person, otherwise I wouldn't be with her. But she has made it clear she hated being an only child.
You describe perfectly our situation just before we had our second child. Had a 4 year old daughter and were fine financially. We figured ultimately the joy we had with our daughter we could have again with another child. We were right, my son will be 3 in May but we are now struggling financially where we were comfy before. Things will get better in the summer as the Scottish government will give us a little towards the cost of childcare but it's gonna take us a couple of years to get out of the financial hole having a second kid created.
He is amazing though, if you asked me if I'd do it again I'd say yes in a heartbeat. The age gap is perfect as well, my daughter is 5 years older and totally dotes on him and enjoys playing his daft games.
Edited to add, I've now had a vasectomy. 2 is enough, lol
He is amazing though, if you asked me if I'd do it again I'd say yes in a heartbeat. The age gap is perfect as well, my daughter is 5 years older and totally dotes on him and enjoys playing his daft games.
Edited to add, I've now had a vasectomy. 2 is enough, lol
I'm a child of a single mother, who had 3 children. We all went to University and not cheap ones either, not on super high end, but fairly expensive. I have zero student loans. There was even points when my mum was unemployed. We weren't even rich not even close, on the lower end.
My brother supported me with my expensive hobbies as I was studying he was working and would help financially. As well being a shy kid initially, helped big time to overcome social anxieties, helped his friends were cool. Now I'm a social butterfly, but without his help I think it would have been a harder hurdle. A bigger family helps, but is not needed. Having a brother to share my secrets, such as crushes and heartbreaks helped a lot. Things that as you get older you honestly just don't get it like you used to.
Big deals for kids to you and even me now, we just don't get it. But kids do, it helps trust me, but it is not selfish if you choose not to have more. Your kid will be fine as long you are a good parent.
It's even better now as my mum gets older.
My mother is spoiled. Her kids were her best investment if you will.
Astral Dog
Member
Get him/her a puppy,you will soon realize they are like small children .and for your sake get a small breed
Two children is below replacement rate and the population growth in most first world countries is below 2
Astral Dog
Member
Astral Dog
Member
hmm i think it varies a lot with each case. I can't be too far from my sister but my brothees(and mom) were assholes until i cant work normally without taking lots of pills.
If you are going to have a medium to big family make sure you have time for each one and educate them well so they can live together healthy .
I really, really hope you know it's not that simple for everyone.
nekkid
It doesn't matter who we are, what matters is our plan.
A little, perhaps, but you've got to do what's right for you.
To put my opinion in perspective, I'm an only child and we just had our second boy a few months ago, because even after my good childhood I didn't want my son to not have a sibling.
To put my opinion in perspective, I'm an only child and we just had our second boy a few months ago, because even after my good childhood I didn't want my son to not have a sibling.
Gordon Shumway
Banned
The answer is, ultimately, however y'all feel about it. As an unfortunate father of two, I can tell you that my son and daughter were inseparable. Best friends. Even when they fought, it was all bullshit. He passed two years ago, and she misses him more than anyone. Their bond is an amazing thing. Take that as you will, and good luck to you..
Man, as someone who is your same age and has been married since 22, this seems so weird to me haha. Marriage has been the best thing ever! I know it's not for everyone though. And we also dated for 6 years before getting married so that helped.
To be fair though, we don't have kids! We can't decide between 1 or 2 either OP. We'll just play it by ear when the time comes I guess.
I had 2 brothers and I know it was a financial burden for my family, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. Most people I know who are very close with their siblings only have 1 though.
Jaguar Victory
Member
Pullout game failed you Stinkles.
Wife and I have one and that's a wrap. I loved my brother very much growing up but I think I'm giving my son the best chance in life by devoting my resources to him and making sure he grows up to be a good, smart, well adjusted person. Ultimately there is no wrong answer. Do what's best for you guys.
One Eyed Willy
Member
It's not, it really isn't. Sorry if I came off otherwise. My parents both sacrificed and put themselves last during the best years of their lives to secure funds for college. At the same time however, both my parents are not college educated.. showed up early, stayed late and volunteered to get ahead in their careers. My mom worked for the county and my dad was an inside pipe salesman, now both retired comfortably. What they built wasn't luck, it was blood, sweat and tears. It was something lost to time, but something I'm not blind to so I won't pretend it was anything else included.
I do recognize not every family has the same opportunities as mine, hard work or not. That needs to, has to, must change at all costs. Every family, every child should have the same opportunity to be happy, successful and thrive. There is no question, but the big focus for me personally it opportunity. Success is earned, and this is something I struggled with my entire adult life. Both my parents grew up poor as dirt but built a life, modest at best but it was calculated every step of the way. Sound, calculated decisions at every fork.
I do everything in my life to provide better for my own children. I want this for everyone, but at the end of a 70 hour work week I'm out of gas. My parents saved for my college, and I feel incredibly accomplished when I can do the same. A few years ago my wife and I were broke, living 50ft from a train track wondering how life had dealt us a bad hand and then I decided that was my existence, my children's existence .. or I could climb a mountain.
I keep climbing for them. One day I'll die, I hope they keep climbing.
Good post. I probably jumped the gun in calling out that last part, thinking you meant it as a universal thing. I'm a single child and I grew up with a single mom who was devoted to me like you are to your kids. Unfortunately, I have a severe disability and broke a ton of bones growing up, which meant she had to constantly be home or at the hospital for me and couldn't work very much. No college fund for me, and I know it hurts her that she couldn't pay for my schooling, but I got lots of scholarships and grants and things, and I can handle the smaller loans I did to take. You do gotta earn success 99% of the time, but not every success is weighed in coin.
davepoobond
you can't put a price on sparks
so you're agreeing by saying it is selfish not to adopt.
if you were selfless those things wouldnt matter
nekkid
It doesn't matter who we are, what matters is our plan.
I had my first kid at 30, and my overriding feeling was "this would have been so much easier if I was younger".
Also, you make it sound like marriage is harder than kids...lmfao
John Kowalski
Banned
Hell no get a Saint Bernard so she can ride it
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