Ken Masters
Banned
Can I ask what you're getting your phd in?
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Long Term Relationship |OT| Communication, Communication, Communication
- Thread starter MThanded
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Can I ask what you're getting your phd in?
Goldenroad
Member
What do we define as "long term"? I'd say 5 years should be the bare minimum, but I know people that have met, had kids, gotten married and gotten divorced in that period of time.
I've been with my gal for over 10 years now and we're thriving.
I've been with my gal for over 10 years now and we're thriving.
Long term to me is 4 years and on. A one year relationship is just the tip.
Goldenroad
Member
How about 4 years if you have/are living together, 5 years if you have/are not? Moving in together at least doubles the time you spend together.
Totes.
x Power Pad Death Stomp x
Member
My wife and I have been married for 13 years and together for 18.....I guess this is the thread for me!
Computer Engineering. Focus on embedded safety and security. More specifically understanding platform specific software interference( how does an operating system, hardware platform and development toolchain impact task isolation).
My goal is to finish my PhD proposal by the end of the summer.
RoninChaos
Member
Nice tips in the op.
CrudeDiatribe
Member
I don't know if you can put an absolute time on it. I think it's probably sometime after the drama-coaster settles down ("OMG do I call her?"), more around the time when it's nice simply being around the other person.
I think 'long term' happens faster as you get older.
I think once you have moved past they honeymoon phase of your relationship and intend to stay together you are in a long term relationship.
Joke?
I figure setting an absolute length of time that must be met is not helpful, especially since relationships progress at a different rate for everyone. You might be with someone for five years but not really intend to settle down with them (staying just out of habit.) Or you might know someone is the one after only a year (my parents moved in together after five days, became engaged after six months, and married within a year. They are still one of the happiest couples I know. It's not that common of course, but it does sometimes work like that.)
CrudeDiatribe
Member
The honeymoon-phase ends? I'm still nuts about my partner after a dozen years.
Accident.Joke?
I am too. It's not about loving them less. I think in many relationships people commonly hide parts of themselves earlier on. Intentionally or unintentionally.
I've been in a relationship for 9 years. The last 4 have been long distance. We haven't gotten married because the time was not right. Makes no sense to get married just because especially since we are 4 hours apart.
Also, marriage doesn't change a relationship unless you want it to. We both realize this. It's not going to all of a sudden change the dynamic.
x Power Pad Death Stomp x
Member
I understand because of the long distance thing, but being married gets you tax breaks, and the only difference in how you act right now is you wear a ring.
Plus it is nice to make that commitment in front of friends and family (and god if you're so inclined) to affirm "I want to spend the rest of my life with this person."
I have friends who are "that couple" that's been together for a zillion years, owns a house together, has kids, owns cars together....but just isn't ready for the commitment of marriage.
Not marrying is not the same as lacking commitment. I know plenty of couples who do not believe in the institution of marriage but are fully committed to each other.
And given divorce rates, marriage does not necessarily mean "committed forever", it means "committed right now".
And given divorce rates, marriage does not necessarily mean "committed forever", it means "committed right now".
I don't understand how getting married means you are suddenly more committed. I've heard this before though. If we had the money and we lived in the same state right now we would probably already be married. It just doesn't make a lot of sense until I get back to Maryland.
Divorce rate is high. Getting a ring and saying some vows isn't going to make the relationship different IMO. It will put me in some serious debt though because we currently are both living off of grad school stipends.
Sanky Panky
Banned
Good thread, and good timing for me since I'm finally moving in with my gf of 1.5 years. Any advice for when your SO and your family DO NOT get along? Is it something you just accept that will never change?
I will also reiterate that being able to talk about every worry, opinion, interest, sexual desire, goal, problems, feeling, etc etc with your SO is absolutely key. Passive aggressiveness, or waiting for the other person to do what you want without expressing what you want, is usually disastrous.
I will also reiterate that being able to talk about every worry, opinion, interest, sexual desire, goal, problems, feeling, etc etc with your SO is absolutely key. Passive aggressiveness, or waiting for the other person to do what you want without expressing what you want, is usually disastrous.
CrudeDiatribe
Member
Huh, hadn't thought of it that way. I was thinking of the common belief that the blush wears off in all relationships, that the initial lust and infatuation fades and is replaced with attachment, when that isn't always the case.
Why get married?
A couple of things:
- We're contrarians. Simply not getting married irritates some people that we feel should be irritated.
- Reading Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About, the idiotic reader feedback and Mil's responses to it was hugely influential to me, and more broadly about relationships in Québec and western Europe (am an anglophone Canadian).
- We hate being the centre of attention and big parties. Weddings seem to be big, expensive parties about the couple. Alors.
Truthfully, we wouldn't mind getting married, but crucially: why get married?
There are three levels of government regulated committed relationships where we live, each with different rights and responsibilities and obligations when things go belly-up. There is no compelling reason, legally, to get married over the next level down in in legal-entangled co-habitation.
If we were to move to 'Murica, where there is fuck-all for legal recognition of relationships that aren't marriages, we might get hitched.
Maybe in your country. It's tax-disadvantaged in Canada since your household income goes up. You can share tax credits to minimize tax-owing, but that's about it.
That sounds boring, and a lot of effort for some jewelry.
I keep bringing her around for dinner parties, they'll figure it out.
Do they actually say that? I bet they're pulling your leg.
You can try to figure it out. Maybe at some point both sides will be resigned that your father will always believe in whacky shit and that your partner won't make a lot of money in her chosen field of art via squirts of paint from her anus and everything will become copacetic.
Jedeye Sniv
Banned
Interesting idea for a thread. I've been with my partner for 13 years, living together for 12, married for 2. We were each other's first for pretty much everything, and have had quite a varied life together. We almost broke up about 4 years ago (we went 'on a break') for a couple of weeks but thankfully we pulled through and are very happy these days. Honestly, I think it's because we got lazy and took each other for granted. We had settled into the domestic routine and were just going through the motions. Throwing all our toys out of the pram for a while was almost useful, really. Although terrifying too.
I think as well as the requisite good communication, the key to a successful relationship is just being really good friends. I'm still surprised these days that we can spend literally hours talking to each other and not really tire of it, surely we must have said everything there is to say by now? Apparently not!
I like having independence as well, we both have activities we get up too by ourselves with separate friend groups involved, so I don't feel that we suffocate each other as bad as we used to. I think that having an independent means of expression is important (I have a band, she has roller derby), it's something to define who we are outside of our relationship which can be hard when you realise we've spent nearly half our lives together, we kinda are each other in a weird way. So these days it's nice that we're also creatively fullfilled and we just come home and jabber at each other about the cool shit we've been up to and give each other love and support.
Aww Musha I sense a yearning from your general direction It took me 11 years to get around to it, he might be the same! Just make it clear it's important to you, if it is.
This is an interesting thing that I don't think people talk about very often. I don't think I've really had a crush on someone while being with my wife but you do certainly still find people attractive, and sometimes people you have to be around. It's only natural, but it must be really confusing because iirc that crush rush felt awesome when I was a kid.
I think as well as the requisite good communication, the key to a successful relationship is just being really good friends. I'm still surprised these days that we can spend literally hours talking to each other and not really tire of it, surely we must have said everything there is to say by now? Apparently not!
I like having independence as well, we both have activities we get up too by ourselves with separate friend groups involved, so I don't feel that we suffocate each other as bad as we used to. I think that having an independent means of expression is important (I have a band, she has roller derby), it's something to define who we are outside of our relationship which can be hard when you realise we've spent nearly half our lives together, we kinda are each other in a weird way. So these days it's nice that we're also creatively fullfilled and we just come home and jabber at each other about the cool shit we've been up to and give each other love and support.
Aww Musha I sense a yearning from your general direction
It took me 11 years to get around to it, he might be the same! Just make it clear it's important to you, if it is.This is an interesting thing that I don't think people talk about very often. I don't think I've really had a crush on someone while being with my wife but you do certainly still find people attractive, and sometimes people you have to be around. It's only natural, but it must be really confusing because iirc that crush rush felt awesome when I was a kid.
FelixOrion
Poet Centuriate
I know. Hearing "eventually!" all the time just sucks though, y'know?
I'm of the short end of long term relationships, having just passed the two-year mark this winter, but it feels like it's been a long time more.
It's also been a long-distance (six timezones...) relationship for a good part of it too, but the end is in sight. That's one of the most important parts of a long distance relationship, which a common friend of ours who had a failed LDR told us: have an end in sight, a countdown clock that gets smaller every day.
It's also been a long-distance (six timezones...) relationship for a good part of it too, but the end is in sight. That's one of the most important parts of a long distance relationship, which a common friend of ours who had a failed LDR told us: have an end in sight, a countdown clock that gets smaller every day.
Ken Masters
Banned
cool, good luck
fatigues_gasolini
Member
Seeing AMUSIX's post shows how terrible the relationship I am in is:
No communication because everything gets turned around on me.
No sex for 2.5 years, anytime I get close she pushes away
She doesnt give a shit about money, she declared bankruptcy because she decided to stop paying her bills. She has no problem spending $600 to go to California for 3 days, but ask her to pay me more money for rent, and there suddenly isnt anymore money to go around. I pay about 80% of the bills.
I do support her in everything she does, even if its a terrible idea. I once told her my goal of getting into the game industry, and she told me it was stupid.
Shes selfish in about everything she does, she makes rash decisions, and doesnt really care if it affects anyone else negatively.
No communication because everything gets turned around on me.
No sex for 2.5 years, anytime I get close she pushes away
She doesnt give a shit about money, she declared bankruptcy because she decided to stop paying her bills. She has no problem spending $600 to go to California for 3 days, but ask her to pay me more money for rent, and there suddenly isnt anymore money to go around. I pay about 80% of the bills.
I do support her in everything she does, even if its a terrible idea. I once told her my goal of getting into the game industry, and she told me it was stupid.
Shes selfish in about everything she does, she makes rash decisions, and doesnt really care if it affects anyone else negatively.
Dude, bail out.
Head of Vengarl
Banned
Mother of god...
Why are you even in that relationship? Without any more info it sounds like you should stop worrying about it and walk away. Doesn't sound healthy at all.
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As for myself, I've been dating my girlfriend for 5 years and we're getting married in three weeks. Exciting times.
Relationships can thrive despite money problems, but I wanted to add that being full and equal partners in your finances is critical. As you said, you need to solve things together.
My wife and I have been married 14 years, and we plan all things money related together. I tend to do the long-term planning (savings, investments, etc.) but we go over plans together and agree on them. My wife handles day to day expenses (she's a homemaker, I am at work during the week). Anytime either of us is thinking of making some out of the ordinary purchase, even if it's tiny, we at least let the other know. All the accounts are joint and we mange our finances together as a team.
I say this in part to ask a question. One of my wife's friends is in a really weird marriage. The husband basically owns all things money related. He gives his wife a budget for the groceries, she's all but locked out of access to their savings and finances, and has no say in things like the budget. His attitude is, he's the breadwinner, so it's his money. She's working on finishing her college degree so she can get her "own" money. Which is just batshit insane to me, but I have no idea how common that kind of thing is.
For you long-termers, whether you are married or not, I'm curious - at what point did you begin pooling your resources, if you did at all?
So - why are you in this relationship? What do you get out of it? The way you describe it, you're in a very one-sided relationship with someone who is not really interested in you.
It sounds as if she's there to be supported and nothing else. She also sounds incredibly immature and self centred. I think you need to take a long hard look at where your relationship is headed and if it may be time to bail out.
I've been dating my girlfriend for ~3.5 (amazing) years. We're in it for the long haul, talking about moving in together, traveling the world and all that. So I guess I sort of qualify for this thread?
Anyway, AMUSIX's post is absolutely correct. My parents' 25+ years relationship went down the drain after a sequence of money disagreements/secrets and a total lack of trust. It was sad to see that happen; if anything it encourages me to avoid making the same mistakes.
Anyway, AMUSIX's post is absolutely correct. My parents' 25+ years relationship went down the drain after a sequence of money disagreements/secrets and a total lack of trust. It was sad to see that happen; if anything it encourages me to avoid making the same mistakes.
matthewwhatever
Member
I've been with my wife for eight years, married for four, and we never pooled our money. I have my accounts and bills, she has her accounts and bills, and they're totally separate. I probably pay a little more than her each month, but I also make a little more than her. The closest we come to a joint expense is our mortgage, which is in both our names, but it comes out of my account and she gives me a cheque every few weeks. Even when we go on vacation, we try to make sure everything evens out in terms of who pays for what.
That said, it's not as if our finances are completely separate or hidden. We both know, roughly, how much the other person has saved up, how much they're saving each month, etc. We have similar financial philosophies, too -- neither of us ever wants to take on debt, we boh pay off our credit cards in full every month, we're both committed to paying off our mortgage as quickly a possible, and so on. We trust each other completely when it comes to money (and everything else, too), but we've never seen a need to put everything together.
I should probably add that we don't have kids, and don't have plans to ever have kids. If we did, then we'd probably have to rethink our financial approach. It would be a lot harder to break things down into my expenses and her expenses if you add a new person into the mix. Unless you could get a baby that paid its own way, of course.
sonikokaruto
Banned
What todo when you get dumped after a 7 year relationship?
I don't know what to do or what to feel. I just stood today on the parking outside a Walmart staring at a tree for 2 hours.
Feel super sad.
I don't know what to do or what to feel. I just stood today on the parking outside a Walmart staring at a tree for 2 hours.
Feel super sad.
Over a year now with my gf. We argue and have our moments here and there but we always make up. She's a firm believer in make up sex which is great.
That big ass list is basically all true and spot on. Being supportive, communicating, having space and being open about finances and sex are soooooo important. We've always been supportive of each others' goals. We talk and discuss our lives, problems, ambitions and dumb shit on a daily basis. We both work full time now, so we'll have space apart. Plus I live alone so I get plenty of time to myself now too. Money has been a big issue with us, but now that she got a promotion and will be earning more, things will be a little more equal and leveled out.
As for sex....well. That's been incredible, especially as of late
Of course it goes without saying how much I love her. She's snoring right next to this very moment as I'm writing this post
That big ass list is basically all true and spot on. Being supportive, communicating, having space and being open about finances and sex are soooooo important. We've always been supportive of each others' goals. We talk and discuss our lives, problems, ambitions and dumb shit on a daily basis. We both work full time now, so we'll have space apart. Plus I live alone so I get plenty of time to myself now too. Money has been a big issue with us, but now that she got a promotion and will be earning more, things will be a little more equal and leveled out.
As for sex....well. That's been incredible, especially as of late
Of course it goes without saying how much I love her. She's snoring right next to this very moment as I'm writing this post
CrudeDiatribe
Member
Why are you still in this relationship, again? If you're worried you'll never find anyone else, that would still be an improvement for you, and also, you're wrong.
As soon as we moved in together, we opened a joint account to pay for rent (and now our mortgage) and to transfer money back and forth.
Otherwise, our money is in separate accounts, but we don't really think of it as separate. Every year we redivide our monthly expenses based on our incomes. We discuss saving and investment plans and purchases (new furnace and car this summer/fall, yay!).
Cheque? Online banking is fantastic.
Surround yourself with friends and family, try not to let yourself be alone. Stay busy: join a rec sports team, write some open-source software, learn the ukulele or harmonica. In a while, have a few one-night stands.
Nearly 6 months in. Longest relationship of my life so far, and the first one where I've actually used the word 'relationship'.
It's some kinda heaven so far, everything the love songs generally painted it out to be. It really is nice having someone rooting for you in all areas of your life, particularly when everything else might seem bleak. It's invaluable, immeasurably awesome.
Love all the points in the quote in the OP. All very true from watching my friends's relationships over the years, and truer still as I've begun to experience them and effect them in my relationship this year.
Great thread.
It's some kinda heaven so far, everything the love songs generally painted it out to be. It really is nice having someone rooting for you in all areas of your life, particularly when everything else might seem bleak. It's invaluable, immeasurably awesome.
Love all the points in the quote in the OP. All very true from watching my friends's relationships over the years, and truer still as I've begun to experience them and effect them in my relationship this year.
Great thread.
Wait another 18 months. Your relationship will evolve significantly, as you and your partner open up, relax and acknowledge each other's flaws
shanshan310
Member
We're still very young
No money, I'm still studying, we both still live at home (mostly because of the no money thing, plus he only lives round the corner and I can stay over there a lot anyway). I don't think it would really change anything, but it's probably something neither of us are ready for. Even though I'd love to eventually.It'll be 4 years in exactly a month + 1 day. It feels like there hasn't been much time passed at all, though. I think the problem is that 3 of it has been long distance (we are going to 2 different colleges). We see each other every couple months? I go down to visit her for 2 weeks blocks during our breaks.
We're also both only 20 (met in High School) and living with our parents so we've seen and experienced nothing yet. Still a long road ahead for the both of us but it's been pretty good so far.
We're also both only 20 (met in High School) and living with our parents so we've seen and experienced nothing yet. Still a long road ahead for the both of us but it's been pretty good so far.
Coming up on two years of dating (first 6 months was long distance, after that we've been living together). Though this year he's be away with work for almost the first half of the year, so I guess you can say half of our relationship so far has been long distance. We've known each other for going on 13 years now though, which makes things more comfortable and removes a lot of doubts. We talk on the phone everyday when long distance and Skype if we can too.
There was a lot of stress/ fighting coming from my side in the beginning but we worked through it and I slowly worked on myself with his support and things have only been going up from there. He is calm and reliable, I am a spaz. We compliment each other. :3
There was a lot of stress/ fighting coming from my side in the beginning but we worked through it and I slowly worked on myself with his support and things have only been going up from there. He is calm and reliable, I am a spaz. We compliment each other. :3
shanshan310
Member
Hey guys, I need some advice but I don't want to draw too much attention by making a thread so I thought it might be appropriate to ask here.
So my partner finished university last year and he still hasn't found any full time work. I know this is causing him a great deal of stress, especially since he owes me quite a substantial amount (I paid for his graduate film). I honestly don't mind him owing me money, I was happy to help him, but it bothers him a lot... and I do need the money back eventually because I'm trying to save to study in Japan (He doesn't know if he can afford to come at this point). The thing is, he had a supermarket job that he quit because he said it felt like he was wasting precious time there and it made him suicidal. I guess I'm at a loss for what to do. I don't want to push him, but at the same time he's going to have to find something soon. I'd really love it if he were able to save up and come with me (he seems keen, but not hopeful), but even if he can't his parents are moving overseas anyway and can't continue to support him. The job climate is so shitty atm I don't know if he'll even be able to find something. It's just making the both of us stressed out
So my partner finished university last year and he still hasn't found any full time work. I know this is causing him a great deal of stress, especially since he owes me quite a substantial amount (I paid for his graduate film). I honestly don't mind him owing me money, I was happy to help him, but it bothers him a lot... and I do need the money back eventually because I'm trying to save to study in Japan (He doesn't know if he can afford to come at this point). The thing is, he had a supermarket job that he quit because he said it felt like he was wasting precious time there and it made him suicidal. I guess I'm at a loss for what to do. I don't want to push him, but at the same time he's going to have to find something soon. I'd really love it if he were able to save up and come with me (he seems keen, but not hopeful), but even if he can't his parents are moving overseas anyway and can't continue to support him. The job climate is so shitty atm I don't know if he'll even be able to find something. It's just making the both of us stressed out
Deified Data
Banned
He's either the type of person who recognizes that he owes a debt and doesn't mind being called on it, or the type who becomes instantly defensive and insecure and feels you're being overly demanding and materialistic for asking to be paid back. There is no negotiation, he's one or the other. If he's the former you have no problem - he'll get a job and pay you back of his own volition because he doesn't like being in debt. If he's the latter, he's going to resent you for asking and assume you're asking because you don't think he'll pay you back.
Ask him about it once, tell him what you need the money for. Don't demand it back all at once, but ask what sort of timetable you're looking at. Gauge his response. If it's positive all is well. If it's negative you're going to distance him by asking him further, it's a lose-lose.
What else could he have been doing with his precious time besides working to repay you?
DualShadow
Member
Hey guys, I need some advice but I don't want to draw too much attention by making a thread so I thought it might be appropriate to ask here.
So my partner finished university last year and he still hasn't found any full time work. I know this is causing him a great deal of stress, especially since he owes me quite a substantial amount (I paid for his graduate film). I honestly don't mind him owing me money, I was happy to help him, but it bothers him a lot... and I do need the money back eventually because I'm trying to save to study in Japan (He doesn't know if he can afford to come at this point). The thing is, he had a supermarket job that he quit because he said it felt like he was wasting precious time there and it made him suicidal. I guess I'm at a loss for what to do. I don't want to push him, but at the same time he's going to have to find something soon. I'd really love it if he were able to save up and come with me (he seems keen, but not hopeful), but even if he can't his parents are moving overseas anyway and can't continue to support him. The job climate is so shitty atm I don't know if he'll even be able to find something. It's just making the both of us stressed out
Has he tried finding a casual job until he can find a job in his preferred field?
While I was at Uni I used to work a bar job which was decent money and I worked there until I found a job in the field I wanted.
shanshan310
Member
Oh, we've talked about it before. He's usually the one to bring it up. I don't know if I can negotiate a time frame since he's not making a steady income, but I will bring up needing it for Japan.
He's trying to broaden his skill set by learning coding, since right now all he's studied is film stuff and there are basically 0 steady jobs in that industry. I understand, but I do think he'd be better off working while he does it.
He won't take a casual job because it fuels his depression.
Deified Data
Banned
Is he medicated? Because this reeks of excuse-making.
I'm not unsympathetic to someone feeling like they're wasting time working at a job that does not further their preferred career (though sometimes you need to settle for "okay for now" just to make ends meet, as awful as it feels.) But, if he's the creative type (since he studied film, it sounds like he is), let me tell you: don't date them. Creative types tend to be crazy, and unless you're very stable, steady, and strong-willed, the relationship is going to drain you.
shanshan310
Member
No offense, but you have no idea what you're talking about and I find this incredibly insulting.
We've been together six years now. He's a lot more to me than his career.
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