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Long Term Relationship |OT| Communication, Communication, Communication
- Thread starter MThanded
- Start date
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Same advice for long distance as it is for long term except DOUBLE. A lot of people will tell you not to do long distance and yeah, that shit is hard. But when it's worth it, it's worth it.
Just got out of a long distance relationship recently. Part of the reason I left was realizing I did not want to live an ocean away from my family. Do I regret the relationship? Not for one second! Sure it didn't work out in the end. Some people might consider that a "waste" of time. But I had a lot of fun and enjoyed myself, why would I regret that?
It's not all hopeless like some would have you believe.
hgarrett54
Banned
Don't have a long, or short term relationship 
shanshan310
Member
Definitely, especially with internet access so easily. You may not be able to touch them physically but there is a lot of fun to be had skyping, writing letters, having virtual dates, playing games etc. And its not forever
Poimandres
Member
Getting close to the 3 year mark. My longest relationship by far.
A lot of people say you should be arguing or fighting semi-regularly, but I'm just going to call bunk on that one. It depends on the individuals. We're both pretty passive with similar tastes and interests, and barely ever fight. Feels good to me!
A lot of people say you should be arguing or fighting semi-regularly, but I'm just going to call bunk on that one. It depends on the individuals. We're both pretty passive with similar tastes and interests, and barely ever fight. Feels good to me!
Definitely, especially with internet access so easily. You may not be able to touch them physically but there is a lot of fun to be had skyping, writing letters, having virtual dates, playing games etc. And its not forever
Playing non-competitive co-op games (or competitive if that's your fancy, though I know I'd lose regardless so I prefer non-competitive or support!) both in long distance and long term relationships can be great for bonding.
Portal 2 co-op was a great "date" game. Working together to find solutions to problems. Just like you should in any good relationship.
Depends. Straight out fighting with yelling and the works I can't see as too positive (I suppose it depends on the person though?) but amicable disagreements can be a really great thing for a relationship. I don't know if I'd want to agree with someone on absolutely everything, but as long as the disagreements aren't on anything major or life changing and you can have a friendly discussion about it rather thank fighting, it can help with bonding. Knowing what the other person thinks and learning more about them.
UnluckyKate
Member
16 month here. We started 3 month together, then 4 month apparts, then 2 weeks together, then almost 10 month apparts again. I'm with her for 3 months now. After that, maybe nothing for a year.
She's worth it. It's hard. But hey, I trust her. I'm pretty shy and I don't go out so I'm not tempted to jump on other girls. I'm fine I guess. Lot of time spend on Facetime help a lot.
She's worth it. It's hard. But hey, I trust her. I'm pretty shy and I don't go out so I'm not tempted to jump on other girls. I'm fine I guess. Lot of time spend on Facetime help a lot.
Devolution
Member
Make your damn wants and needs known. Don't expect shit you haven't asked for and don't expect something different if you've allowed something to go on for so long. It's not fair to your partner after so much time. Communicate, damnit.
DualShadow
Member
18 months today actually, feels good.
Poimandres
Member
Oh, I agree. But I think there's a difference between a disagreement, an argument, and a fight. Disagreements are fine, and the occasional heated debate is okay. As long as it's not about one person being "right" and the other being "wrong". But some people talk about needing to have big fights for heightened "passion"... which is a sentiment I will never share!
SquiddyCracker
Banned
Adding to that:
In order to do that, you need to first know what you want and need. A lot of people are just oblivious of their wants and needs.
JJDinomite
Banned
In 3 days, my girlfriend and I will no longer be in a long distance relationship. We live 2 and a half hours away; I'm a freshman in college and she's a senior in high school. She'll be going where I'm going next year, so I'm super pumped. We'll have been dating for 2 years in a few months. It's been 9 months since we've gone long distance.
You can do it, fellow GAF members.
You can do it, fellow GAF members.
That's definitely not something every relationship needs! I don't get passionate about fights, I just get annoyed. I think, "Why can't this person just calm down and discuss things reasonably?" I guess some people like make-up sex, to which I say, "...eh?" I get far more passionate about having a good discussion or debate (especially if I've been proven wrong and get to learn something new.)
But I guess people will be different. There are some things you can apply to every relationship, but there are also a lot of things that are just going to vary between people.
Deified Data
Banned
7 years next September. She's my best friend and the love of my life.
Sometimes it's scary having so much of your happiness invested in one person. You realize that if anything ever happened to them you'd absolutely never recover.
Sometimes it's scary having so much of your happiness invested in one person. You realize that if anything ever happened to them you'd absolutely never recover.
D
Deleted member 1235
Unconfirmed Member
5 years now, just got married a month ago. last year 1/2 has been get house/car/married
I guess.... babies soon?
I guess.... babies soon?
SquiddyCracker
Banned
You don't have to follow a stereotypical path
If you want babies, then hopefully it'll be soon; if not, then babies whenever you want them.
Devolution
Member
It's scary having it happen more than once. You think "how did I get so lucky."
shanshan310
Member
Yeah definitely
My boyfriend always tends to help me out in co-op games too, which is nice. We do a lot of MOBAing.BravesCountry
Banned
Just mutually ended a relationship of 3 years, I think it was the right thing to do but by God it's hard not to idealize what we had and only remember the good things.
Zeouterlimits
Member
Just over 3 years. Has been fantastic. I love her so.
Has now hit the rocks heavily.
She suddenly wanted space. We bungled that by not correctly doing space.
Has now hit the rocks heavily.
She suddenly wanted space. We bungled that by not correctly doing space.
Sorry about your relationship coming to and end mate, but thanks for the pep talk.
I think many of me and my girlfriend's problems stem from both if us being pretty unstable people, both psychologically and emotionally. But she's a damn clever girl and I'm too lucky to have her, I just hope we can come to an end with this hell, seeing each other a week at a time every 3-4 months...
FelixOrion
Poet Centuriate
Great another thread like the SO Pics thread to taunt me every day
Maybe ill be here one day, I hope.
Maybe ill be here one day, I hope.
Prax
Member
I will just reiterate this.
If you want something, make it known.
Don't angst and passive-aggressively whine and build resentment due to not getting whatever if you don't make your needs objectively clear. "Hints" do not count. Some people are just that dense.
SAY WHAT YOU MEAN IF IT'S IMPORTANT. DON'T EXPECT THEM TO MIND READ YOU.
It will be 10 years soon for me. But maybe marriage will change everything? >_> I hope not.
Space can be hard, and varies from person to person.
My first boyfriend was an extravert, while I'm pretty near the extreme end of the introvert scale. He became petulant if I did not spend every available minute with him, and I could not even sneak away to read a book in peace. That kind of disconnect can work if you're both willing to work on it and make compromises. Especially talk about why you need space and how often it is necessary.
Just make plans for the day you'll eventually be together and keep working towards that day. It will make the time go by faster!
Great another thread like the SO Pics thread to taunt me every day
Maybe ill be here one day, I hope.
Hey, don't worry about what other people have. Just keep working on yourself and being the best person you can be, and eventually you'll find the person who is the best person for you. It will happen!
My wife and I started living together October of '95. We've been through every situation from renting a single room in a house with 6 other roommates, living off of the tips she made waitress at a diner to owning our home and being independently wealthy. We've gone through all the typical couple strife, from in-law stressors to financial issues to friend problems. Over the past seventeen years, there are certain things which have remained constant, certain things that I've come to believe are important in a relationship.
Bamelin's post above is very, very similar to this, so it only strengthens my belief that I at least go something right.
1) Communication is Vital: There is nothing more important. Without open, honest communication, I cannot see how any lasting relationship can be healthy. We've weathered situations and have done things that I know will commonly tear a couple apart, and I've got to attribute that to us being both forthcoming and receptive with each other. In another thread, someone scoffed and said "communication can't fix every problem" which is true. However, it can absolutely fix every fixable problem. All the things that people have the most trouble discussing openly (money, sex, family) are the things that have to be discussed between two people if they want to grow together.
2) Space is Vital: While each of you having your own physical space is a wonderful idea, it is also a luxury. Even when we were in a single room, sharing a bathroom with four others, we managed to have our own 'space'. For me, it was a lot of my online interactions. For her, it was diaries and the second drawer under the bed. Being able to explore who you are on your own and then taking that back to your SO is key to not letting the relationship become dominated by one side or the other. Likewise, respecting one another's space and not trying to intrude on it only builds trust and the wonderful feeling that anything is safe with the other person.
3) Vacations are Important: OK, stealing this from Bamelin, but I absolutely agree. Find any way you can to get away, to share experiences with each other. Heck, we subjected ourselves to a medical experiment just to have enough money to do a road trip to the SouthWest. Sure, a week of e.coli followed by a week of sleeping in the car doesn't sound like heaven, but 15 years later, we remember that trip so fondly. The same goes for every trip we've taken, the times that we've shared that stand out the most were when we separated ourselves from all outside stressors and just got to be together (I should note that, in our over 17 and a half years, we've spent maybe 30 days apart).
4) Money is Not That Important: But honesty about money and proper money management is. Don't live outside your means, no matter how much you might want it for the other. If there's trouble paying bills, work on it together. We had these problems early on, and we had friends who had the same problems. We watched as their relationships were torn apart because one was too scared to discuss it with the other, or 'didn't want to worry' the other, or some such reason. I can only believe that, by us talking openly about it, we avoided those pitfalls (which goes back to point 1).
5) Support Anything: Whatever your SO wants to do, support them. OK, well, maybe not if they want to become a serial killer or something like that, but anything within reason. In all of our lives, there are times when it seems the entire world is against our ambitions. Having someone next to you that you know you can rely on to always support and cheer you on is a gift beyond measure. You want to show someone you love them? You want to strengthen the bond? Be that for them. You don't have to be interested in the same venture, or even take part in it, but you can always provide positive reinforcement.
6) Sex is Vital: Good sex. Exciting sex. Different sex. It's all important. Explore each other's kinks. Be open about it. Find a place where the two of you can talk about the most fucked up thoughts you've had (for us, it was in the car...no matter how embarrassing the topic, if we were in the car, we could talk about it...discussion would end the moment we got out). Be painfully open about things, and daring. Push each other's limits and boundaries and never stop trying new things. I've seen one relationship after another where sex was on Fridays (maybe) and they ALL had some sort of longing. The vacations help this, the communication helps this, the personal space helps this. If you want to know what bad, infrequent, boring sex does to a couple, head over to ashleymadison.com.
7) Have Fun: Play games, go biking, be each other's best friends. Take a deck of cards when you go out to eat (at casual restaurants). If you can't do your leisure activities with one another, then there is something seriously wrong. All the things you do with friends you should be able to do with your SO. Of course, you two might not WANT to do certain things (she might not be into video games or you might not be into gardening) but never for a moment close the door to it being a possibility.
OK, so nothing surprising in this list, but, honestly, I think the biggest factor in a lasting, healthy relationship is the first one. Communication. Communication and Sex. Two of the biggest factors in a lasting, healthy relationship are Communication and Sex. And Having Fun. Amongst the factors in a lasting, healthy relationship and such diverse element as: Communication, Sex, Having Fun, and a fanatical devotion to the Pope.
Bamelin's post above is very, very similar to this, so it only strengthens my belief that I at least go something right.
1) Communication is Vital: There is nothing more important. Without open, honest communication, I cannot see how any lasting relationship can be healthy. We've weathered situations and have done things that I know will commonly tear a couple apart, and I've got to attribute that to us being both forthcoming and receptive with each other. In another thread, someone scoffed and said "communication can't fix every problem" which is true. However, it can absolutely fix every fixable problem. All the things that people have the most trouble discussing openly (money, sex, family) are the things that have to be discussed between two people if they want to grow together.
2) Space is Vital: While each of you having your own physical space is a wonderful idea, it is also a luxury. Even when we were in a single room, sharing a bathroom with four others, we managed to have our own 'space'. For me, it was a lot of my online interactions. For her, it was diaries and the second drawer under the bed. Being able to explore who you are on your own and then taking that back to your SO is key to not letting the relationship become dominated by one side or the other. Likewise, respecting one another's space and not trying to intrude on it only builds trust and the wonderful feeling that anything is safe with the other person.
3) Vacations are Important: OK, stealing this from Bamelin, but I absolutely agree. Find any way you can to get away, to share experiences with each other. Heck, we subjected ourselves to a medical experiment just to have enough money to do a road trip to the SouthWest. Sure, a week of e.coli followed by a week of sleeping in the car doesn't sound like heaven, but 15 years later, we remember that trip so fondly. The same goes for every trip we've taken, the times that we've shared that stand out the most were when we separated ourselves from all outside stressors and just got to be together (I should note that, in our over 17 and a half years, we've spent maybe 30 days apart).
4) Money is Not That Important: But honesty about money and proper money management is. Don't live outside your means, no matter how much you might want it for the other. If there's trouble paying bills, work on it together. We had these problems early on, and we had friends who had the same problems. We watched as their relationships were torn apart because one was too scared to discuss it with the other, or 'didn't want to worry' the other, or some such reason. I can only believe that, by us talking openly about it, we avoided those pitfalls (which goes back to point 1).
5) Support Anything: Whatever your SO wants to do, support them. OK, well, maybe not if they want to become a serial killer or something like that, but anything within reason. In all of our lives, there are times when it seems the entire world is against our ambitions. Having someone next to you that you know you can rely on to always support and cheer you on is a gift beyond measure. You want to show someone you love them? You want to strengthen the bond? Be that for them. You don't have to be interested in the same venture, or even take part in it, but you can always provide positive reinforcement.
6) Sex is Vital: Good sex. Exciting sex. Different sex. It's all important. Explore each other's kinks. Be open about it. Find a place where the two of you can talk about the most fucked up thoughts you've had (for us, it was in the car...no matter how embarrassing the topic, if we were in the car, we could talk about it...discussion would end the moment we got out). Be painfully open about things, and daring. Push each other's limits and boundaries and never stop trying new things. I've seen one relationship after another where sex was on Fridays (maybe) and they ALL had some sort of longing. The vacations help this, the communication helps this, the personal space helps this. If you want to know what bad, infrequent, boring sex does to a couple, head over to ashleymadison.com.
7) Have Fun: Play games, go biking, be each other's best friends. Take a deck of cards when you go out to eat (at casual restaurants). If you can't do your leisure activities with one another, then there is something seriously wrong. All the things you do with friends you should be able to do with your SO. Of course, you two might not WANT to do certain things (she might not be into video games or you might not be into gardening) but never for a moment close the door to it being a possibility.
OK, so nothing surprising in this list, but, honestly, I think the biggest factor in a lasting, healthy relationship is the first one. Communication. Communication and Sex. Two of the biggest factors in a lasting, healthy relationship are Communication and Sex. And Having Fun. Amongst the factors in a lasting, healthy relationship and such diverse element as: Communication, Sex, Having Fun, and a fanatical devotion to the Pope.
Musha_Soturi
Member
Will be 7 years in October for me and my guy. Still waiting for a ring...
SquiddyCracker
Banned
They're all important of course, but this one is particularly important for me at the moment. I haven't had much support for my dreams in the past (usually in the guise of being "realistic") and I feel it's something I desperately need.
Maybe you should propose?
Liberals ruining traditions since 1895.
I figure when I get married it will be because we've both come to a mutual agreement. I don't need or want a proposal or a ring.
cloudwalking
300chf ain't shit to me
Been living with my husband for 6 years and married for almost 6. He's the best thing that ever happened to me by far.
I totally agree with this and it kind of falls in line with the one piece of relationship advice my father gave me. I asked him once how you know you're in love and he told me for him it's that he wants to spend as much of his free time as possible with my mom. Of course they each have separate hobbies, but they spend the bulk of their time with each other because they love each other's company. That's how it is with my husband and I. We have a blast together all the time, and I never go to sleep dreading what the next day might bring, I'm always excited to wake up again and get through the day to spend time with him.
I totally agree with this and it kind of falls in line with the one piece of relationship advice my father gave me. I asked him once how you know you're in love and he told me for him it's that he wants to spend as much of his free time as possible with my mom. Of course they each have separate hobbies, but they spend the bulk of their time with each other because they love each other's company. That's how it is with my husband and I. We have a blast together all the time, and I never go to sleep dreading what the next day might bring, I'm always excited to wake up again and get through the day to spend time with him.
Devolution
Member
Bitter old man.
Actually it's something I wish I had pounded into my brain when it comes to my first relationship, but you live and learn.
I heard she has soft hands.
ymoc
Member
Coming on 3 years long distance this summer.
We met in person on a sunny summer day and things went from there, even we are for now still separated by 10,000 km.
We see each other once or twice a year.
It's been tough, especially the beginning was hell, but as we got to know, understand, connect and talk more with each other, things changed dramatically.
We talk every day through Skype.
Like some have already said, communication is the key. The moment I started having daily communication with my SO was when I completely stopped worrying about everything.
We talk about anything, we share everything, we support each other. We make each other laugh a lot and we are happy together.
We met in person on a sunny summer day and things went from there, even we are for now still separated by 10,000 km.
We see each other once or twice a year.
It's been tough, especially the beginning was hell, but as we got to know, understand, connect and talk more with each other, things changed dramatically.
We talk every day through Skype.
Like some have already said, communication is the key. The moment I started having daily communication with my SO was when I completely stopped worrying about everything.
We talk about anything, we share everything, we support each other. We make each other laugh a lot and we are happy together.
We're trying the best we can, thanks for your kind wordsJust make plans for the day you'll eventually be together and keep working towards that day. It will make the time go by faster!
It just feels so far off at times, heh...
This post is absolutely amazing and if you weren't married I'd propose to you right here right now.
Zeouterlimits
Member
Yeah.
We're both a weird mix of extra & intra, depending on our moods.
But we said we'd take space for a month. Then said we'd check in every Sunday. Then we started talking on Facebook chat.
Now it feels like she wants to break up but can't commit to doing it.
Neither of us is in a good place.
CrudeDiatribe
Member
Does he know this? Something something needs, wants, and expectations.
Hahahhaahha
Sock puppet confirmed.
I tried to smother my partner in the beginning with the same thing. Being young and dumb is not always recovered from.
CrudeDiatribe
Member
Well, we could talk about that sort of thing.
As someone in a monogamous relationship, I hate crushes, they're terribly inconvenient. Last time it happened was a number of years ago, with a terribly dull person: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU BRAIN?!. Still see her around once in a while, still makes my belly go a-flutter. It's asinine.
I imagine there are a lot more consistent problems with newer relationships than with long term ones. If you've managed to stay together for awhile, then the ups and downs of getting to know a new person have mostly leveled out. And not a lot of people want to gush about how GREAT their relationship is going, or want to ask for advice on how to make a good thing even better (though they should.)
New thread title would also help.
New thread title would also help.
SnakeswithLasers
Member
We need an official thread for countless nights of sitting on opposite ends of the couch, watching six episodes of The Shield, and independently playing iOS/laptop games without speaking?
I'm in! Nine years of committed bliss. =D
Also, the above is not true.
I'm in! Nine years of committed bliss. =D
Also, the above is not true.
We speak.
Head of Vengarl
Banned
Been with my gf for almost 3 and a half years now. She is a strong woman and we compliment each other very well. I love her lots. We live ~2 hours away from each other and only get to visit on weekends, but I will be moving into an apartment (hopefully) this summer, and she is finishing up her post-grad credential program for teaching. I really hope she can find a teaching job somewhere around here, so she can eventually move in with me.
Great post.
Deified Data
Banned
Made scarier still that my SO has had at least one brush with death (a random case of internal bleeding - if she were alone at the time she wouldn't have made it). It's one of those dark thoughts I have on sleepless nights, that the world is filled with millions of things that could destroy your happiness in an instant. The funny part is I don't have any of those thoughts when I'm with her, just when I'm alone.
I've been in two consecutive long term relationships for most of the past 4 years and all I can say is fuck that. For now at least (I'm 21). Being single has too many benefits and I don't even know what I was thinking constricting my freedom like that. I think alot of people hang on for too long like I did and it's a mistake I regret deeply.
Origami Superman
Member
Over 5 years living together.
Her over religious parents see us as living in sin and so have for the past 5 years have been pushing for marriage (her sister met a guy and was engaged in 2 weeks and married 6 months after that, wtf?).
We don't really see the point / need. Much rather put the money of a wedding towards travelling and just enjoying life.
Her over religious parents see us as living in sin and so have for the past 5 years have been pushing for marriage (her sister met a guy and was engaged in 2 weeks and married 6 months after that, wtf?).
We don't really see the point / need. Much rather put the money of a wedding towards travelling and just enjoying life.
This post should be in the OP.
I'm not in an LTR right now, I ended one last winter and I'm single now. Some of these things were not happening in my last relationship. This is a great post.
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