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[OG Shaka Zulu]

My wife and I have been together for 13 years. We met young and had a rocky first few years. We had a major breakup back in 2006 and spent some time apart. Flash forward to today, we have 3 kids and have gotten over our issues and are doing fine.

This week she's told me something that has blindsided me. Back in '06 when we were off, she was out with a classmate and the classmate's group of friends at a bar. Her last memory is talking to this friend then she wakes up the next morning back in her bedroom naked, with a guys watch in her room and an illegible name and phone number scribbled on paper. She calls the number, he says he was drunk as hell and doesn't remember anything. She didn't press charges, she was too traumatized for it, and there was absolutely no recollection of anything between the bar and the next morning. She doesn't remember the guy at all, no recollection of his face, talking to him at the bar, nothing at the dorms, just nothing.

She processed everything by herself, knew there was no way for any answers and eventually blocked things out of her mind and moved on. The reason why this has resurfaced for her relatively recently is because of the Bill Cosby case and Chappelle's Netflix standup, where Dave thought rape was such hilarious material for comedy. Telling me has been on the tip of her tongue but she could not bring herself to say anything. We happened to be discussing another person we know who was raped and my wife's facial expression during the conversation tipped me off that something was not right and she told me everything.

Neither her nor I believe this was a situation where she had a wasted drunken hookup. My wife can hold her liquor, there was nothing remarkable about her consumption that night and she's had other nights where she's drank so much more yet can still remember bits and pieces of the night. I've had one night myself where I've drank so much I should have went to the hospital instead of home but I could remember things the following days. To add, she had absolutely no intentions of meeting anybody new. At that point in her life she was done with hookups and was conflicted with either getting serious with her new man or working things out and getting back with me. We've both concluded separately that she was probably drugged but we'll never know what happened. She said her body did not feel like she was penetrated (maybe he couldn't get it up and abandoned his plans?) but who knows, does that necesarily mean anything? There's no way of knowing what happened.

I understand that it seems strange for a rapist to leave their number behind. The only things I can think of is maybe this guy is just that brazen? Maybe my wife was drugged by a bartender or someone else and this other man took her home not knowing she was drugged? Or maybe this rapist's MO is to fake being wasted, always leaving his number behind, scribbling a gibberish name so that he can always fall back on plausible deniability when his victims call?

I have been very supportive of my wife since she's told me but she's done all the psychological heavy lifting years ago, and there's only so much I can help her with right now. I do not want to bother her too much because this happened to her and not me. Things have been settled in her head for years and I don't want to poke and pry to the point where she revisits things on a loop mentally. I am very upset about this and I am not handling things well, crying almost daily in secret so I won't bother her. I also feel guilty since if I weren't such a lousy partner then, we would have never broken up and would have been together that night. I am taking posters' advice of remaining sober and seeking therapy (i needed therapy before this anyway but this news has me going crazy). We are on vacation with some friends so I won't have access to any help for two weeks, which is why I made the thread.

Posters, please be respectful. My wife and I have worked hard to fix our relationship and have been brutally honest about past problems and indescretions on both our ends in order to get to where we are today. She did not cheat on this occasion nor is this some cheating cover up story, so please be respectful.

 

[milanbaros]

Haven't you already posted this when you'd been drinking?

 

[Shao Kahn Brewing a Stew]

Haven't you already posted this when you'd been drinking?

Jeez, you weren't kidding. Perhaps he was drunk and doesn't remember?

http://m.neogaf.com/showthread.php?t=1409943

 

[Brakke]

Haven't you already posted this when you'd been drinking?

Yeh. Seems less heated this time at least.

Good luck OP.

 

[OG Shaka Zulu]

Haven't you already posted this when you'd been drinking?

Yes, and the mods gave me a choice to repost while sober since my original post was out of hand. I have not touched a drink since and I just posted this sober.

 

[uncelestial]

Edit: Okay, then.

 

[Ninja Scooter]

Jeez, you weren't kidding. Perhaps he was drunk and doesn't remember?

http://m.neogaf.com/showthread.php?t=1409943

That was like 3 days ago. da fuq?

Edit: N/M I see now.

OP all you can do is be supportive of her. You can't change the past. Your anger or doing something irrational won't change things. Seriously consider therapy for the both of you, or even just yourself if she doesn't want to.

 

[brianjones]

wat

that's horrible man I'm not sure what we can do about it.. talk to professionals

 

[Jawbreaker]

Guys, I think the OP is sober and just wants to air this out more properly now. It's fine.

 

[andythinkpad]

So how about that statue of limitation?

 

[dglavimans]

I dunno man leaving your number behind when you are a rapist? Seems far stretched thinking that is a cover up.

Good luck at least

 

[GhostTrick]

I have been very supportive of my wife since she's told me but she's done all the psychological heavy lifting years ago, and there's only so much I can help her with right now. I do not want to bother her too much because this happened to her and not me. Things have been settled in her head for years and I don't want to poke and pry to the point where she revisits things on a loop mentally. I am very upset about this and I am not handling things well, crying almost daily in secret so I won't bother her. I also feel guilty since if I weren't such a lousy partner then, we would have never broken up and would have been together that night. I am taking posters' advice of remaining sober and seeking therapy (i needed therapy before this anyway but this news has me going crazy). We are on vacation with some friends so I won't have access to any help for two weeks, which is why I made the thread.

Posters, please be respectful. My wife and I have worked hard to fix our relationship and have been brutally honest about past problems and indescretions on both our ends in order to get to where we are today. She did not cheat on this occasion nor is this some cheating cover up story, so please be respectful.

So... she settled this in her mind ? If she did, then you should do too. It seems that she may not remember what happen and everything else is a may be. So if she's not looking to know what happened and has settled this years ago, it's better to not try to look for more.

 

[OG Shaka Zulu]

Guys, I think the OP is sober and just wants to air this out more properly now. It's fine.

Yes, thank you. I would have just went straight to therapy but I am gone for a few weeks. Trust me I am sober.

 

[Draper]

I think she's moved past whatever it was, and you're dwelling on it- which isn't healthy for anyone. Just get the help you need and move past it.

 

[NateDrake]

As you said, your wife has done all the heavy lifting and has dealt with the events of that night. I can understand why it is bothering you, but for her sake you need to go to therapy as soon as possible and not let your guilt over it impact her in a negative way. If she has been able to come to terms with things, then you have to as well - again, for her. You dwelling and feeling guilt over not being there won't change anything and it won't help her in any way, either. Don't dwell on it for too long. Talk to a therapist when you get back from vacation. For now, don't focus on it so much. Your wife seems to have moved on, and you will need to.

 

[ronco2000]

Yep. Need to stop drinking. Obviously you need to talk to someone about this. It'll only get worse if you keep things bottled up. You'll end up blaming your wife and ruining your marriage. Stay strong til you get the help you need.

 

[Mauddib]

Haven't you already posted this when you'd been drinking?

Jeez, you weren't kidding. Perhaps he was drunk and doesn't remember?

http://m.neogaf.com/showthread.php?t=1409943

Yeh. Seems less heated this time at least.

Good luck OP.

That was like 3 days ago. da fuq?

Edit: N/M I see now.

OP all you can do is be supportive of her. You can't change the past. Your anger or doing something irrational won't change things. Seriously consider therapy for the both of you, or even just yourself if she doesn't want to.

In all fairness, the mods locked the thread right on the first page and told him he should repost it when he's sober. Which I think was the right decision. No issues with this thread.

OP, it's really hard to say. You're making a whole lot of assumptions on where she was and what her life was like after she broke up with you.

 

[SapientWolf]

I'd be kind of disappointed in her classmate and company, to be honest. They let her go home with a creepy rando while completely blacked out.

 

[Arcia]

My condolences, this sounds horrifying! Just try to be supportive I guess. Maybe talk to a professional for some counselling?

 

[FUME5]

First you've got to let go of that misplaced guilt.

 

[Jawbreaker]

Yes, thank you. I would have just went straight to therapy but I am gone for a few weeks. Trust me I am sober.

You're taking the right step by going to therapy. Did your wife do the same after the incident? Or do you think she'd be receptive to trying? I'm not sure how much it's bothering her, but it's obviously still there even if subconsciously. We all deal with things differently, but therapy never hurts.

 

[somecrazymember]

I'm sorry for you and your wife OP.

To be honest, i dont really understand why you would talk about this so publicly. Your wife took 10 years to tell you..

Anyway, dont blame yourself for a thing that happened ten years ago that you had no control of.

 

[ramparter]

edit: nevermind I should look more into the details.

edit2: yeah I got confused and thought she slept with a classmate, sounds like a drug/rape to me. I'm really sorry but doesn't sound like she can do a lot about that now. But the guy leaving his phone behind? I mean even as an alibi it sounds very risky, someone could do a test to see if he / she was drugged, right?

 

[AMUSIX]

edit: removing this because ultimately my take on things is meaningless to you

 

[uncelestial]

There are a couple silver linings:

#1 - She trusts you and loves you enough to tell you this difficult and scary story.
#2 - She has already processed it and is doing okay with it. There isn't work for her to do. It is settled in her mind.
#3 - In all honesty, it doesn't even necessarily add up to anything sinister. In fact the only circumstantial evidence (that she doesn't remember anything and wasn't looking for a hookup) are things that alcohol could, in fact, explain, and other evidence (doesn't feel penetrated, dude left personal effects and a phone number behind) seems to bring the intensity down a notch too.

I think it's very traumatizing to blackout and not remember whether you had sex -- this has happened to me too. But you need to a) forgive yourself, because this is not your fault, and b) stop going to the worst possible scenario in your head and letting it torture you.

I wish you the best, friend.

 

[Greddleok]

Who the hell leaves a name and number after committing a crime? If you drugged someone, you know it's a crime, it's not like he could have made that mistake.
I think that's where your narrative of rape falls apart.
I've woken up in bed with girls I don't remember talking to a couple of times, and I'm not teetotaller. No recollection of a person I had a drunken one night stand with, 11 years ago, is pretty much par for course. Hell I don't remember someone I had drunk sex with 3 years ago.

 

[BlackRainbowFT]

I think she's moved past whatever it was, and you're dwelling on it- which isn't healthy for anyone. Just get the help you need and move past it.

So much empathy...

@OP: obviously it must have been horrible for her... if I were you I'd be crushed (both for what she had to go through and the fact she kept it for herself... but also the situation You are in).
About 7 years ago my GF, after being cat-called, was violently pushed against a wall by a group of assholes in Paris... thankfully she managed to flee. She told me right away and I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to plow them (although more realistically I'd have ended up in the ICU). So I can only (very) partially relate...

Don't let this build up inside or let it become a taboo subject... You might also considering getting some help (together or even you alone).

 

[lightskintwin]

Who the hell leaves a name and number after committing a crime? If you drugged someone, you know it's a crime, it's not like he could have made that mistake.
I think that's where your narrative of rape falls apart.
I've woken up in bed with girls I don't remember talking to a couple of times, and I'm not teetotaller. No recollection of a person I had a drunken one night stand with, 11 years ago, is pretty much par for course. Hell I don't remember someone I had drunk sex with 3 years ago.

This.

The scariest thing that's happened to me is waking up with a woman on top of me butt naked with no recollection of what occurred. it feels violating. Especially if you would've never had sex with this person sober.

Unfortunately I've experienced this and seen this occur plenty of times.

People do things they wouldn't normally do when they're intoxicated and can blackout and not remember afterwards despite being cognizant when they were intoxicated.

 

[Phased]

Probably the worst thing you can do is make this about you, even if you don't think you are showing it to her she almost definitely is aware of it or will be soon.

Get yourself some counseling, and delicately share that you are having issues with the news. Also unless you've asked your wife about this it may not be a good thing to share publicly without her knowing, even if it's an anonymous internet forum, ask yourself how your wife would react if you told her you posted her story online even in an anonymous setting.

Counseling will help, I hope you manage to get through this.

 

[Media]

I've been married to my husband for 17 years, and while he knows generally what I went through before I met him, I have a very hard time discussing it in detail. Last night in fact, when he encouraged me to open up about it, and I described two different instances, was the first time I ever spoke it aloud.

And while it was really fucking hard (that shame never goes away, no matter what you try and convince yourself) I did feel better and oddly closer to him.

So encourage her to go to counseling, and talk about it. It might actually be a blessing that she doesn't remember, but the feeling of violation and shame is likely the same.

 

[ReAxion]

tell her to talk to a therapist or therapists.

i find it extremely strange you ask the video game forum about this.

 

[Triggerhappytel]

Who the hell leaves a name and number after committing a crime? If you drugged someone, you know it's a crime, it's not like he could have made that mistake.
I think that's where your narrative of rape falls apart.
I've woken up in bed with girls I don't remember talking to a couple of times, and I'm not teetotaller. No recollection of a person I had a drunken one night stand with, 11 years ago, is pretty much par for course. Hell I don't remember someone I had drunk sex with 3 years ago.

Yeah; if a rape did occur the police can get a lot of evidence forensically (that penetration occurred, that she had toxins in her body) so leaving his number makes absolutely zero sense. Why leave a route back to yourself, even if you think you have plausible deniability?!

Either way, it sounds like your wife needs some counselling if it's still troubling her. Find out about getting sessions with a therapist.

 

[milanbaros]

I'd be kind of disappointed in her classmate and company, to be honest. They let her go home with a creepy rando while completely blacked out.

Black outs happen afterwards. I've known people to be drunk but appear completely aware and not remember the next day.

 

[Triggerhappytel]

i find it extremely strange you ask the video game forum about this.

There's no need for this. We talk about all kinds of stuff on here and it's a good place to get advice and opinions anonymously.

 

[Hermii]

tell her to talk to a therapist or therapists.

i find it extremely strange you ask the video game forum about this.

It's like you never visited OT before.

 

[RoyalFool]

Sounds like someone else spiked her drink, and maybe these two just fumbled about. Doubt a rapist would leave a number, most are cowards.

The real question you should be asking is why the fuck did he take his watch off?

Also, good job helping your wife through this without casting blame on her.

 

[fabricated backlash]

Op, all I can say is to be supportive of your partner, and put it behind you. Don't get yourself worked up, as there's literally nothing you could do now other than to lend an open ear.

Secondly: dial back your alcohol intake and change your drinking habits. Seriously.
I've read your original thread and was shocked how much it reminded me of myself a few years back. I didn't quite drinking, but seriously re evalued how and when I drink.

I wish you both best of luck. Maybe you can discuss seeking professional help for your wife with her.

 

[Elfotografoalocado]

Sadly, there isn't really much you can do. She's the victim and she's the one who has been dealing with it all these years, and will continue to deal with it. That she was raped is not your fault, nor hers, but the rapist's and the bad luck of her being around the wrong person at the wrong time.
Maybe you were a shitty boyfriend back then, but as you said you put work on it to be worth for her. Just keep up that work and be supportive.

 

[WriterGK]

I really wish you the best of luck. Talk to people about it who you really thrust and that won't take advance of it. And yes go to Counseling/Therapy. There absolutely nothing wrong with seeing a shrink for either you, your wife of both of you. Try not hide every emotion inside. You need to ventilate but at the right place and with group of people. If your wife doesn't want to talk about it, then that's fine. And you should not feel guilty its a horrible thing but most definitely not your fault.

 

[Charles Brandon]

I think one of the issues here is the uncertainty. Your wife does not know if she was raped or not and that uncertainty is possibly a barrier to resolving her feelings about it. It's hard to come to terms with being raped if you're not sure whether it actually happened.

Therefore, the path to resolution may be in discovering what happened that night. But that is not going to be at all easy. Does she still have the paper with the name and number? May it be possible to do some internet snooping on this guy? I guess it's not likely.

Another thought occurs, if she had been raped, and I am going to try and phrase this sensitively and I hope you don't think I'm out of line for mentioning this, would there not have been some residue present?

I am not trying to suggest that rape did or did not occur but, at this point, although it seems crazy, knowing which one of those it was, even if it is knowing that it did take place, is preferable to not knowing and so I guess I'm suggesting that you concentrate your efforts in this area although I understand that you have probably already considered these things and that getting resolution is probably impossible at this point, sadly.

 

[EASTC0AST_GH05T]

She didn't get Bill Cosby'd she had a slip up with the guy and that was that. No matter how well someone thinks they can hold there liquor there is always room for a slip up. I highly doubt the guy date raped her then left a note with his number. Why would he do that if he could have easily got away with it undetected.

 

[Always-honest]

If he leaves a name and number i'm guessing she was fine with it in that state or she seemed to be to the other person. A rapist wouldn't leave a name and number, right? Maybe she wasn't quite herself in that state but it happened. it probably wouldn't have happened if she was sober. Maybe he took advantage of a drunk person. And than it's still rape but impossible to prove.
A woman i know (family in law) had a few of those moments... she gets really drunk and when she's horny she will take a guy home and not remember shit the next morning (not often but it happened a couple of times). I worry about her but it always turns out okay somehow.
Since she remembers very little, she doesn't know if she did anything she should regret.. I'm not saying this is exactly what happened to your wife but the story gives the impression.
I just hope some scumbag doesn't take vids or photo's of her.

I think you need to start looking at the future. This might hurt your future if you keep let it control your thoughts.
There is no way you could have prevented this. You have a great wife and three kids. Love them like there is no tomorrow.

 

[Messofanego]

I am very upset about this and I am not handling things well, crying almost daily in secret so I won't bother her. I also feel guilty since if I weren't such a lousy partner then, we would have never broken up and would have been together that night.

Honestly, I wouldn't keep this a secret that you're upset about all this. I know it might sound like you're burdening her with how you have been dealing with it by crying in secret but since you two have been so honest with each other, I don't see why you can't disclose this. Men shouldn't have to bottle it all inside and deal with it by themselves. If not to her, at least to anyone else you trust so you don't take it on yourselves through self-destructive means like the drinking. At least until you get therapy.

The past is the past. You couldn't have predicted this would happen. It was out of your control. Don't blame yourself about the breakup. It happened for a reason. You two came back stronger than ever. You can move on from this.

 

[CyclopsRock]

If I was going to drug rape someone, I don't think I'd give my phone number to the victim to write down, nor would I leave my watch there. Obviously she may well have been drugged and another (drunk) guy ended up meeting her. Perhaps she wasn't drugged at all and it was just a curious mixture of various factors that can affect how drunk you get (food consumption, time of day, amount of rest, even your mental well being).

 

[OG Shaka Zulu]

Probably the worst thing you can do is make this about you, even if you don't think you are showing it to her she almost definitely is aware of it or will be soon.

Get yourself some counseling, and delicately share that you are having issues with the news. Also unless you've asked your wife about this it may not be a good thing to share publicly without her knowing, even if it's an anonymous internet forum, ask yourself how your wife would react if you told her you posted her story online even in an anonymous setting.

Counseling will help, I hope you manage to get through this.

OP all you can do is be supportive of her. You can't change the past. Your anger or doing something irrational won't change things. Seriously consider therapy for the both of you, or even just yourself if she doesn't want to.

So... she settled this in her mind ? If she did, then you should do too. It seems that she may not remember what happen and everything else is a may be. So if she's not looking to know what happened and has settled this years ago, it's better to not try to look for more.

As you said, your wife has done all the heavy lifting and has dealt with the events of that night. I can understand why it is bothering you, but for her sake you need to go to therapy as soon as possible and not let your guilt over it impact her in a negative way. If she has been able to come to terms with things, then you have to as well - again, for her. You dwelling and feeling guilt over not being there won't change anything and it won't help her in any way, either. Don't dwell on it for too long. Talk to a therapist when you get back from vacation. For now, don't focus on it so much. Your wife seems to have moved on, and you will need to.

Thanks. Yes she gave me her permission to post about this. I do not want to make things about me and have been supportive for the most part other then the first few hours after she told me. I had drank a few bottles beforehand and was acting irrational to the point she had to plead with me to stay indoors. I sobered up and we pulled an all nighter talking about it. I can't help the subconscious and have already had two dreams about what happened that night but I'm trying my best to control my thoughts and fully support her. I just feel terrible about what happened to her and that she had to deal with it by herself. She had to work like hell to win me back as I was very bitter about our break up. I had no idea this was happening in her life and feel awful I didn't help her.

OP, it's really hard to say. You're making a whole lot of assumptions on where she was and what her life was like after she broke up with you.

I wasn't making assumptions, we've talked about our breakup thoroughly through and through. She really had strong feelings for that guy and so did he, so I know this night in question was not about her going to a bar to hook up with somebody, she's told me so.

I'd be kind of disappointed in her classmate and company, to be honest. They let her go home with a creepy rando while completely blacked out.

I was disappointed at first too. It sucks that I have to see this person several times a month at work but my wife told me to let it go. They had just met and weren't deep friends like that. She saw my wife leave with that guy and thought nothing of it. She was probably drunk herself to notice if anything seemed off. My wife conceded she would have been very disappointed if she was out with close friends and they let her leave.

You're taking the right step by going to therapy. Did your wife do the same after the incident? Or do you think she'd be receptive to trying? I'm not sure how much it's bothering her, but it's obviously still there even if subconsciously. We all deal with things differently, but therapy never hurts.

I don't think she went to therapy and she doesn't seem like she needs it. She thought about it a lot but everywhere lead to a brick wall since there was no way of knowing. She found trying to replay and piece things pointless and tried her best to move on.

There are a couple silver linings:

#1 - She trusts you and loves you enough to tell you this difficult and scary story.
#2 - She has already processed it and is doing okay with it. There isn't work for her to do. It is settled in her mind.
#3 - In all honesty, it doesn't even necessarily add up to anything sinister. In fact the only circumstantial evidence (that she doesn't remember anything and wasn't looking for a hookup) are things that alcohol could, in fact, explain, and other evidence (doesn't feel penetrated, dude left personal effects and a phone number behind) seems to bring the intensity down a notch too.

I think it's very traumatizing to blackout and not remember whether you had sex -- this has happened to me too. But you need to a) forgive yourself, because this is not your fault, and b) stop going to the worst possible scenario in your head and letting it torture you.

I wish you the best, friend.

Thanks for this. I'd be 'relieved' and she said she'd feel better about it if she knew for certain no drugs were involved. The thing is in her opinion the amount that she drank did not warrant having absolutely no memory. Its never happened before or after that night and she's gone a lot harder on other occasions. That's what has made the night suspect for her because she didn't overdo it.

I've been married to my husband for 17 years, and while he knows generally what I went through before I met him, I have a very hard time discussing it in detail. Last night in fact, when he encouraged me to open up about it, and I described two different instances, was the first time I ever spoke it aloud.

And while it was really fucking hard (that shame never goes away, no matter what you try and convince yourself) I did feel better and oddly closer to him.

So encourage her to go to counseling, and talk about it. It might actually be a blessing that she doesn't remember, but the feeling of violation and shame is likely the same.

She said the same thing and felt it would have been worse remembering glimpses of the sex. I hope you and your husband continue working through it, good luck.

Sounds like someone else spiked her drink, and maybe these two just fumbled about. Doubt a rapist would leave a number, most are cowards.

The real question you should be asking is why the fuck did he take his watch off?

Also, good job helping your wife through this without casting blame on her.

This is what I'm thinking. She may have been drugged by a 3rd party. There was a bartender in the area accused of this as well.

 

[Night.Ninja]

so your wife had sex during the break up, did you ?

 

[D6AMIA6N]

You honestly thought to yourself GAF is your best bet in dealing with this?

 

[Izuna]

I think that one issue is that you will be "reliving" the event since you're hearing it for the first time, regardless of how you act, changing how you act towards her is going to constantly remind her of it. The fact that you indicates she's not over it yet so it is a can of worms.

My biggest suggestion is to make sure she feels like it changes nothing between you (without explicitly saying that) and directing her to the professional help she may need.

If there is anything to take from 13 reasons why, is that people will shut out traumatic events and not see things from the clear perspective if only to protect the themselves from it.

Girl I know teared up when I found out she was a victim of Chikan as a child. To me, that shit is God awful but she lived with it being a "thing that happens that sucks".

 

[dreamcastmaster]

so your wife had sex during the break up, did you ?

You honestly thought to yourself GAF is your best bet in dealing with this?

These type of comments are insensitive and unhelpful.

 

[dcdobson]

so your wife had sex during the break up, did you ?

Disgusting. GAF is better than this.