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My wife may have been raped...
- Thread starter OG Shaka Zulu
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Triggerhappytel
Member
Fuck off, man. This isn't helpful.
IISANDERII
Member
Maybe somebody else was planning to roofie her but she began talking to somebody else. And then he took a sip from her glass for any number of several reasons...
Sho_Nuff82
Member
At this stage of your lives there's nothing you can do but be understanding of your wife's feelings about the event.
You're not Batman, you don't have any proof that anything happened, and for all you both know, nothing did happen. Don't go looking this guy up trying to start some shit or go casting aspersions on people in the room 15 years ago.
You're not Batman, you don't have any proof that anything happened, and for all you both know, nothing did happen. Don't go looking this guy up trying to start some shit or go casting aspersions on people in the room 15 years ago.
I wish you and your wife all the best, and I appreciate the sincere and heartfelt nature of your post. I want you to know that neither you or your wife were at fault, that it seems like you are there for each other, and that both of you seem to truly care about one another's well being. I just want to say that both you and your wife will be okay.
I'm sorry your wife had to go through that, OP. That must've been really traumatic and it takes some time before people are willing to open up about things like that. I hope both she and you are able to get through it okay. It does sound like the third party spiked drink scenario though. I couldn't imagine someone doing that and leaving both their watch and their contact info.
Is she okay with you posting this here? I know you did with the best of intentions of helping her but we don't want to get you into trouble or anything.
Also, stop blaming yourself for it, man. None of what happened is on you. It's not healthy to butterfly effect yourself into taking the blame.
Is she okay with you posting this here? I know you did with the best of intentions of helping her but we don't want to get you into trouble or anything.
Also, stop blaming yourself for it, man. None of what happened is on you. It's not healthy to butterfly effect yourself into taking the blame.
peanutbutterlatte
Member
Ahh I've come to GAF in times of crisis before but I really think this is the kind of thing not to be shared with the random internet base :/
Have to agree with this. If you need to speak about it do it and be there for your wife as you have until now.
How is the portrayal of this in the TV show? I have seen with my two eyes, people who've experienced traumatic events developing into human monsters that can't empathize with others. I hope it's not only shown from the victims point of view.
Also, chikan is a Japanese term for train sexual harassment or rape, if anyone didn't know. I'm sorry that happened to your friend.
OP, sorry to hear about this but I am trying to wrap my head around the events. Based on what you have written it seems that your wife woke up in her dorm room with an illegible note on her nightstand. She calls the number on the note, speaks with the guy but does not get his name nor does she remember him. He claims not to remember anything and neither does she. They never meet again. Not to sound insensitive but it sounds as much as a one night stand as it does rape. Did she live by herself at the time?
FrontalMonk
Banned
I don't frankly think that it'll be easily to internalize this thought process, OP, but this is absolutely the truth right here. You shouldn't blame yourself over something you had no control over; and there's no way you could possibly have known that your break up would have lead to this. You two need each other, probably more than ever, and honestly talking about something this intimate will probably make you stronger in the long run.
I probably wouldn't keep your crying a secret from her either, but I would make sure she's aware that you dealing with your negative emotions isn't her fault, and that you appreciate that she was able to open up to you.
The best you can do right now is try to salvage some good times from this vacation, and then get some counseling when you get back, but it sounds like that's already your plan, so...keep on keepin' on, man.
Crankshaft
Member
She said she didn't feel like she was penetrated and that she called the guy and he said he was drunk as hell and he left a note.
I think the both of them just got black out drunk. Years have passed since the event and with the recent Cosby case I think she is trying to retro-piece things together with new information. If she really believes that it was rape then she should speak to a professional, or try talking things out to the bar guy again, if that's possible.
When I have sex with my wife she says that she can still feel me the next day, so that kinda makes me think nothing happened. I could be wrong though.
I think the both of them just got black out drunk. Years have passed since the event and with the recent Cosby case I think she is trying to retro-piece things together with new information. If she really believes that it was rape then she should speak to a professional, or try talking things out to the bar guy again, if that's possible.
When I have sex with my wife she says that she can still feel me the next day, so that kinda makes me think nothing happened. I could be wrong though.
Either that or the guy has a tiny willy, so at least that rules all of neogaf out.
two of my exes had been raped. Both told me fairly early on in the relationship. Both managed to take it to court and win so there was some sense of closure. People react very different to these things though. For example when I was depressed I hated how my family would take pity on me and always ask me If I felt OK, so I never told a single friend that I had depression - and that actually helped me a lot since all I wanted was to have normal interactions with people. I definitely didn't want any special treatment. Not to equate their experience with my depression, the point is that to me it made the most sense to treat them no different than if they had not been raped because you don't want a bad experience to define your life. Obviously you try to avoid the topic, and it's most likely a bad idea to watch a movie about a rape victim for example - but generally I think it's easy to cause more harm to your relationship by being too aware and "helping" than letting it be a thing of the past.
The first one had some deep unresolved issues in no small part I'm sure because of her trauma. In the end she cheated on me and there just wasn't any trust left so we broke up. Maybe there were things I could have picked up on and maybe treating her normally was a mistake, who knows.
With the other one except for her being afraid of certain situations I never felt like it was something that weighted down on her in a way that had an effect on our relationship. We broke up for completely unrelated reasons, actually we never really had any issues at all but kinda just grew apart.
I think you should try not think about it. There's nothing you can do about what happened and becoming angry and destructive will only harm your relationship. People are more resilient than you think, but you have to encourage them to be so instead of treating them like broken goods.
The first one had some deep unresolved issues in no small part I'm sure because of her trauma. In the end she cheated on me and there just wasn't any trust left so we broke up. Maybe there were things I could have picked up on and maybe treating her normally was a mistake, who knows.
With the other one except for her being afraid of certain situations I never felt like it was something that weighted down on her in a way that had an effect on our relationship. We broke up for completely unrelated reasons, actually we never really had any issues at all but kinda just grew apart.
I think you should try not think about it. There's nothing you can do about what happened and becoming angry and destructive will only harm your relationship. People are more resilient than you think, but you have to encourage them to be so instead of treating them like broken goods.
n00bsauce87
Member
That's the important part. OP's wife had over 10 years cope. OP hasn't even have a month even though he's not a victim.
Eventually he'll have to because you can't let this eat you up inside. But I understand if you are gonna need some time to do it. Just take healthy strides and continue being supportive. If she felt comfortable telling you her trauma, she clearly trusts you. I wouldn't think it selfish if you asked her for help to internalize it as well. Guilt can REALLY weigh on a person mentally, don't let it get to you and ruin the relationship.
DustyVonEric
Member
I don't know, OP.
The fact that he left his number and his watch behind, and that your wife believes she was not penetrated (leading you to believe maybe he was too wasted to perform) makes it seem more like a random drunken hookup, than a plan to rape and cover up.
I'm not sure who I would blame here, or if anyone is to blame. Although I would say that friends need to look out for each other better when out, and there should always be a sober one in the group to help keep things like this from happening.
Either way, you should maybe consult an expert to help you work through this.
Good luck, OP.
The fact that he left his number and his watch behind, and that your wife believes she was not penetrated (leading you to believe maybe he was too wasted to perform) makes it seem more like a random drunken hookup, than a plan to rape and cover up.
I'm not sure who I would blame here, or if anyone is to blame. Although I would say that friends need to look out for each other better when out, and there should always be a sober one in the group to help keep things like this from happening.
Either way, you should maybe consult an expert to help you work through this.
Good luck, OP.
how are you not banned for this?
OP, women are stronger than you will ever know. Every woman who has ever opened up to me has at least one story about an assault or stalking of some kind. They still leave the house everyday and take a risk on meeting men for pleasure. I've heard a survivor joke about how when she experienced an assault, the thought went through her head "welp, this my rape I guess"
If I have any advice for you, it's don't try be her everything right now. She might really need to work things out it sounds like but it might now be you that needs to help her with this. She might want to keep you separate from her healing. Preserve you for her good place. Most importantly, listen to her. They often don't want us to try and fix things but just want us to be there for them when they're ready to try.
Everyone around the girl in the show convinces her that the accusation didn't happen (because when she first heard of it, she didn't remember). But you see that it was slowly eating away at her at least because she could see how people were reacting. So made efforts to prove it wasn't true even though she had locked away any recollection. The episode where she comes face to face with it is heartbreaking.
The show kinda sucks in that it does this stuff really well and it sort of... leaves it like that.
Kor of Memory
Member
Every person is different, and every person reacts to social drinking in different ways, at different times, and with different forms of alcohol.
Anecdotes and whatnot:
My wife is the heavier drinker between the two of us. I've learned that Rum makes her sloppy, Wine makes her sad, Vodka makes her fiesty,etc...
I've also learned that she has no idea what is in her drink most of the time. She just orders whatever is at the bar on special.
Lastly, her record button turns itself off pretty early on, where she remembers less and less of the night as we go on. This usually leads to some hilarious conversations with her as well, but I digress.
My only real point here is that assuming drugs were in play doesn't seem helpful, for you or her. Unless she has a solid reason to think her drink was spiked, then I don't know why you would assume the worst. Considering she ended up back at her place, with a phone number of a guy sounds to me like drunk logic way more than drugged logic.
I'm not sure if it's you that is doing the assumption here, OP, or if this is what your SO has tried to make of the situation.
I realize I'm coming off as very insensitive here, but I'm just trying to fully understand the situation. I try to analyze all possible scenarios before I come to any conclusions. Rape is a very serious thing to happen to somebody, but where is the line between Rape and Super Drunken Mistake? (I'm legitimately asking here, because I don't know and I've never been in a similar situation.
I guess, to me, it seems like a person doesn't know what happens, and despite some evidence not adding up, has decided to assume the worst possible scenario, which makes no sense to me.
Anecdotes and whatnot:
My wife is the heavier drinker between the two of us. I've learned that Rum makes her sloppy, Wine makes her sad, Vodka makes her fiesty,etc...
I've also learned that she has no idea what is in her drink most of the time. She just orders whatever is at the bar on special.
Lastly, her record button turns itself off pretty early on, where she remembers less and less of the night as we go on. This usually leads to some hilarious conversations with her as well, but I digress.
My only real point here is that assuming drugs were in play doesn't seem helpful, for you or her. Unless she has a solid reason to think her drink was spiked, then I don't know why you would assume the worst. Considering she ended up back at her place, with a phone number of a guy sounds to me like drunk logic way more than drugged logic.
I'm not sure if it's you that is doing the assumption here, OP, or if this is what your SO has tried to make of the situation.
I realize I'm coming off as very insensitive here, but I'm just trying to fully understand the situation. I try to analyze all possible scenarios before I come to any conclusions. Rape is a very serious thing to happen to somebody, but where is the line between Rape and Super Drunken Mistake? (I'm legitimately asking here, because I don't know and I've never been in a similar situation.
I guess, to me, it seems like a person doesn't know what happens, and despite some evidence not adding up, has decided to assume the worst possible scenario, which makes no sense to me.
FrontalMonk
Banned
Given that you know your wife's drinking habits, how she reacts to certain types of alcohol, and whether or not she can remember things, I think you'd be just as well aware that other people can know their wives' drinking habits and how *they* react to certain types of alcohol, and whether or not they can remember things. For that matter, I know how I deal with alcohol, and I know how my wife deals with alcohol, and I know how we both react to it in all the ways you stated.
The OP has stated pretty clearly that given what he knows, his wife doesn't black out when drunk; she may not remember everything but she never has a situation where she was in a bar and then in her room naked with nothing in between until this point.
This sounds like it might be drunk logic on the guy and drugged logic on the wife, which would coincide with OP's logic that the bartender may have played a role. I don't see anything wrong with OP's story here.
All of that aside, the objective of discussion ITT has not been a detailed analysis of that night but rather a discussion of how OP should deal with the emotions he's experiencing, namely guilt, anger, and sadness.
A lot of people saying that it can't possibly be rape because he left behind a phone number and a name so scribbled that you can't read it. Surely you can think on it for a second and realize why that's stupid, right?
Its fine to come here, some of us here do have experience with this kind of thing unfortunately.
The main thing you need to realize is that this isn't your fault in any way. Its not her fault in any way either. Going through something similar, I had the same thought process. Well, if I hadn't been in that area, what if I had stayed in that night, or this or that, then maybe it wouldn't have happened. Its easy to blame yourself in those situations But in reality, the only people to blame for it are the actual rapists.
And while you never really get completely over it, it was long enough ago that you just have to try and move on. You just have to support her and reach out for support when needed.
Its fine to come here, some of us here do have experience with this kind of thing unfortunately.
The main thing you need to realize is that this isn't your fault in any way. Its not her fault in any way either. Going through something similar, I had the same thought process. Well, if I hadn't been in that area, what if I had stayed in that night, or this or that, then maybe it wouldn't have happened. Its easy to blame yourself in those situations But in reality, the only people to blame for it are the actual rapists.
And while you never really get completely over it, it was long enough ago that you just have to try and move on. You just have to support her and reach out for support when needed.
Haven't read the entire thread past the OP (skimmed and saw some shameful stuff) but I can give you general advice. You need to communicate your feelings on this to her. Don't keep them to yourself just to "spare" her. Talk it through and share your thoughts and that'll help you both move on. You mentioned that you've been very honest with each other in the past. Would be best to continue that. The goal is to talk it through so you can both move on.
Night.Ninja
Banned
Why should i be banned, i want to know everything about this situation.
The story already seems fishy to me and thats probably why op is so upset because shit dont sound right
LinkAndEpona
Banned
It's in the Off-Topic section though.
Anyway her friends should have been looking after her safety.
FrontalMonk
Banned
because it's a shitpost in a sensitive thread where the OP specifically is not asking for peoples' hot takes on the facts of the matter of that night, and instead is looking for help coping with a sensitive, difficult time?
Like, see shit like this?
Not helpful and betrays a basic understanding of what OP has said and what he knows about his wife. Good job blaming the victim.
There you go all would-be rapists. Just leave a scribbled unreadable name and your phone number and people will never believe you could have done it!
Yeah sorry OP I have to agree with this.
I mean I get why it is difficult for you, mostly because you just don't know what happened.
But nothing from what you have stated in the OP makes it sound more like Rape than just a drunk hookup (which can just happen if you get blackout drunk, there is also a first time for this, there doesn't need to be a drug involved)
By the info you have she could have taken advantage of him as much as he could of her?
Though going to therapy might be the best solution.
Vyse The Legend
Member
Occam's Razor. You're jumping through a lot of hoops here, inventing strange scenarios to make sense of it.
Simply put, they drank, and it may or may not have gone too far.
Follow your own advice here: It's been 10+ years, and she's made her peace with that night as best as she can. It's not your fault what happened.
Thank her for sharing something incredibly difficult with you, and do something really nice to clear the air and pave the path forward: treat her to a spa day, nice dinner, etc.
It's time to move on... together.
Night.Ninja
Banned
pretty much what probably happened
and this is how op probably feels, sometimes you cant shake that gut feeling
I dont even know why she told you, you have to talk to her about how you feel and just let it go if you want to continue the relationship because its always going to be there and the fact that it was during a break possibly makes op think about it even more
A rapist could absolutely leave stuff/name/number behind. See how many of you claim it's unlikely it was rape just because of that stuff! Perfect cover!
Also, rape isn't just "she said she didn't want to and he did it anyway". Rape is when someone has sex with a person who has not given consent. If you are asleep or drunk out of your mind, having sex with you is rape.
A friend of mine had a sexual relationship with a guy. They had sex one evening and he stayed the night. The morning after, he raped her. While she was still sleeping, he penetrated her. When she woke up because he pushed inside her she was mortified and froze (a common reaction). He finished while she laid there completely frozen and still, not giving him any reaction at all. And then he left. He also "forgot" to use a condom that one time even tho they had an agreement to always use that kind of protection since they had multiple sexual partners.
He doesn't see it as rape and his friends support him. He claims that because she wanted to have sex the night before, she would want it anytime he wanted to penetrate her.
That is not how it works, but sadly many people think it does work like that.
I dunno what happened to your wife OP, but it shouldn't really matter. What matters is how she feels and she feels like something was done to her. If it was rape, molestation or nothing doesn't really matter because the situation is what it is anyway.
It's possible she was drugged but it might not have been by the person she went home with. He could just as well be some drunk guy who actually believed she was "there" just as much as him and then left when she passed out.
Buuut, as said, the guy isn't really important. Try to let that part go completely. You also have no reason to feel guilty that you weren't there because you couldn't have known. She didn't tell you after either so how are you supposed to do anything? See, you couldn't have so do try to get help with those feelings of guilt.
You said she has made peace with it but her reaction to the topic makes it pretty clear it's not over for her. But let her handle that the way she wants to. Tell her you're there to listen but don't bring it up and also don't walk on eggshells. Just use the therapy to get back to where you were before you got this info.
(I give this advice as a woman who has been in similar situations as your wife. It is what works for me and might not work for her or you. But just so you know where I am coming from.)
Good luck with everything
Also, rape isn't just "she said she didn't want to and he did it anyway". Rape is when someone has sex with a person who has not given consent. If you are asleep or drunk out of your mind, having sex with you is rape.
A friend of mine had a sexual relationship with a guy. They had sex one evening and he stayed the night. The morning after, he raped her. While she was still sleeping, he penetrated her. When she woke up because he pushed inside her she was mortified and froze (a common reaction). He finished while she laid there completely frozen and still, not giving him any reaction at all. And then he left. He also "forgot" to use a condom that one time even tho they had an agreement to always use that kind of protection since they had multiple sexual partners.
He doesn't see it as rape and his friends support him. He claims that because she wanted to have sex the night before, she would want it anytime he wanted to penetrate her.
That is not how it works, but sadly many people think it does work like that.
I dunno what happened to your wife OP, but it shouldn't really matter. What matters is how she feels and she feels like something was done to her. If it was rape, molestation or nothing doesn't really matter because the situation is what it is anyway.
It's possible she was drugged but it might not have been by the person she went home with. He could just as well be some drunk guy who actually believed she was "there" just as much as him and then left when she passed out.
Buuut, as said, the guy isn't really important. Try to let that part go completely. You also have no reason to feel guilty that you weren't there because you couldn't have known. She didn't tell you after either so how are you supposed to do anything? See, you couldn't have so do try to get help with those feelings of guilt.
You said she has made peace with it but her reaction to the topic makes it pretty clear it's not over for her. But let her handle that the way she wants to. Tell her you're there to listen but don't bring it up and also don't walk on eggshells. Just use the therapy to get back to where you were before you got this info.
(I give this advice as a woman who has been in similar situations as your wife. It is what works for me and might not work for her or you. But just so you know where I am coming from.)
Good luck with everything
Yeah, Gaf has spoken and sorry, your wife lied to you about what happened.
I mean, it's ok OP, we all know that's what women do right? Regret a one night stand and cry rape? Happens all the time.
I mean what a bunch of horseshit, right Night.Ninja? How dare this poster's friend do that to that guy.
Night.Ninja
Banned
Relax bro
his wife didn't lie to him she just said she didn't know what happened
again calm down, its a forum and people have opinions.
HawksWinStanley
Member
The guy didn't want his watch back?
Ninja Scooter
Member
Fishy how? Nobody is asking you to play detective.
FalsettoVibe
Member
Gotta move on OP. Not much you can do.
I am sorry to hear that such a horrible thing happened to your wife. I am glad though, that she felt okay opening up to you about it. Being raped/sexually assaulted is a traumatic experience and our current society does not make it easy for victims to speak out about without some kind of pushback.
Along with that, not every rapist believes that they are a rapist. Several studies have been done showing that if you describe rape without using the word rape, people won't call it that/recognize it as rape. Others studies talk about how if a man buys a women a drink/women gets him aroused, then that man is "owed" sex. So a rapist leaving a name and phone number behind is't that surprising.
Along with that, not every rapist believes that they are a rapist. Several studies have been done showing that if you describe rape without using the word rape, people won't call it that/recognize it as rape. Others studies talk about how if a man buys a women a drink/women gets him aroused, then that man is "owed" sex. So a rapist leaving a name and phone number behind is't that surprising.
sooperkool
Member
Op,
Everyone is saying move on or be supportive, I want to tell you what that means. If your wife wants to talk about it then you listen, if she wants to persue it with the authorities then you help. If she wants to let it go then you need to do so as well, not say so and continue to be resentful or angry about it. She is the same woman she was last month, treat her as such. And but all means do not treat it as a non issue no matter what her choices are.
Everyone is saying move on or be supportive, I want to tell you what that means. If your wife wants to talk about it then you listen, if she wants to persue it with the authorities then you help. If she wants to let it go then you need to do so as well, not say so and continue to be resentful or angry about it. She is the same woman she was last month, treat her as such. And but all means do not treat it as a non issue no matter what her choices are.
I'm sorry for you and your wife. That's a terrible thing to deal with.
So it wasn't cheating, then. All that's left to do is support her. Going after the guy, or going to the cops, neither of those are options 11 years later.
It doesn't seem to change how you view her, 11 years and 3 kids later, yeah?
In fairness, since she doesn't remember the night in question, you have no idea what this is. Blackouts from alcohol aren't a science. She could have been drugged, or she simply could have drank too much too fast on an empty stomach and had a drunken hookup. You don't know, and you will never know.
So it wasn't cheating, then. All that's left to do is support her. Going after the guy, or going to the cops, neither of those are options 11 years later.
It doesn't seem to change how you view her, 11 years and 3 kids later, yeah?
In fairness, since she doesn't remember the night in question, you have no idea what this is. Blackouts from alcohol aren't a science. She could have been drugged, or she simply could have drank too much too fast on an empty stomach and had a drunken hookup. You don't know, and you will never know.
Your patronizing attitude is fantastic. You don't respect many people do you.
I know what a forum is, and I am very aware people have opinions. Considering the OP talked to his wife and they've both decided that there's no way she got *so* drunk she lost all time *and* ended up nude with no intention of sleeping with anyone, stating your opinion (shared by badb0y, and a little by Vyse The Legend & Kill3r7) that well, most likely that's nonsense, (that she got hammered and wanted the D) is at best, garbage behavior.
You wrote:
Then this:
In response to this:
You also posted :
Which directly attacks the wife's account of events.
Despite the OP posting this:
Edit: I'd liked to apologize if this derailed, but it really bothered me.
Lionel Richie
Member
OP so sorry man, that sounds awful. One thing that I want to say and that you probably already know is that there's no need for you to blame yourself over this. I would be doing the same thing, but we live in a world that makes no sense and shit like this happens for no reason, it was sadly completely out of your control. The first few weeks will probably be chaos in your head, but stay strong and remember that you're both not alone in this. Don't let guilt defeat you, it's a rabbit hole that will take you to some bad places and try not to allow that because you know it wasn't your fault.
Tbh, I could totally believe that a rapist would leave his number behind.
You would not believe how many rapists don't understand that what they did was wrong. Most people who would do something like this don't see a problem with it.
OP, hope you and your wife can work through this. It will never stop hurting for her, but the more you talk about it and work through it, the easier it will get.
Good luck and I'm sorry you two have to deal with this.
You would not believe how many rapists don't understand that what they did was wrong. Most people who would do something like this don't see a problem with it.
OP, hope you and your wife can work through this. It will never stop hurting for her, but the more you talk about it and work through it, the easier it will get.
Good luck and I'm sorry you two have to deal with this.
He left a number, so I tend to not jump to that conclusion.
I would be inclined to think that both drank WAY more than they thought they did, sure anyone can say they can hold their liquor, but we all have a blackout point, both may have reached it.
I also think its very possible both got drugged, maybe someone was trying to slip her / him / both something, I'm pretty sure one time I got drugged in a bar by grabbing the 'girls' drink, I also didn't think I drank much that night, yet lost 8 hours to the 'ether', its beyond black out amnesia.
May first hypothesis is she just got drunk as hell, he did too, sex happened, no one remembers it, because they were BOMBED.
My second is both got drugged somehow, sex happened, no one remembers it.
Rape is a pretty big accusation to think of just because Cosby was on trial for it. Yes, its possible, but almost not plausible.
I would be inclined to think that both drank WAY more than they thought they did, sure anyone can say they can hold their liquor, but we all have a blackout point, both may have reached it.
I also think its very possible both got drugged, maybe someone was trying to slip her / him / both something, I'm pretty sure one time I got drugged in a bar by grabbing the 'girls' drink, I also didn't think I drank much that night, yet lost 8 hours to the 'ether', its beyond black out amnesia.
May first hypothesis is she just got drunk as hell, he did too, sex happened, no one remembers it, because they were BOMBED.
My second is both got drugged somehow, sex happened, no one remembers it.
Rape is a pretty big accusation to think of just because Cosby was on trial for it. Yes, its possible, but almost not plausible.
NervousXtian
Thought Emoji Movie was good. Take that as you will.
Even a heavy drinker can have blackout fits from over intoxication due to things like medication or body chemistry at times. Just because it's not a reoccurring thing, doesn't mean it can't happen even to an experienced drinker.
There is a chance she was drugged, but more than likely it's not the case.
You can't let the guilt get to you, it was 11 years ago. Things get hazy over time, there's a big chance it's her guilt of it that made it stick with her for so long.
Let her know it's the past, it doesn't matter.. what matters is you have each other now and have a good life and 3 kids.
If you need help, get therapy if you can't get over it alone.
I do know that being mad about a situation you want to make the unknown man during an unknown situation won't help you get over it. That would just be projection to try and make yourself feel better about her. Accept she hooked up with someone, you already know she did with another guy during the time and know she's now with you.. and has been for a decade.
There is a chance she was drugged, but more than likely it's not the case.
You can't let the guilt get to you, it was 11 years ago. Things get hazy over time, there's a big chance it's her guilt of it that made it stick with her for so long.
Let her know it's the past, it doesn't matter.. what matters is you have each other now and have a good life and 3 kids.
If you need help, get therapy if you can't get over it alone.
I do know that being mad about a situation you want to make the unknown man during an unknown situation won't help you get over it. That would just be projection to try and make yourself feel better about her. Accept she hooked up with someone, you already know she did with another guy during the time and know she's now with you.. and has been for a decade.
andthebeatgoeson
Junior Member
I think if you are married, you need to bring up that you are furious and crying about this. People process things differently and she may have supressed things. It may help her to know your response. It may even change her response. At the least, she'll have a better understanding of who you are and that's how you become intimate. Intimacy evolves over time and as a guy married for 9 years, you can frequently surprise your spouse with a response that she may need.
You can be the angry friend for her. Or the sad friend. Or both. Nothing wrong with changing your mind because a close person (ie you) shows her a 'correct' response. She may really value that.
Don't hide. You didn't get married to hide from each other. I've changed my response on many issues based on my wife's response. And good marriages can allow you to adopt your spouse's response.
Let her know you support her decision but let her know you are invested in her and ultimately, any family in the future. She deserves your honest response.
We have, perverted this idea that you can be overbearing and selfish. A lot of people worry they you'll change some 'thing'. Yes, be cognizant not to make it about you but a good marriage is defined by two large objects creating friction and molding each other based on the other.
I'm a totally different person than before i was married and I'm better for it. My wife offers many good qualities. I love that she impacts me and has changed me. This is on a macroscopic level. You may rob you and your wife from a great interaction: being concerned for her, weeping for her and ready to fight for her. Those are great emotions and i think you need to acknowledge them with her, in some sort of way.
You can be the angry friend for her. Or the sad friend. Or both. Nothing wrong with changing your mind because a close person (ie you) shows her a 'correct' response. She may really value that.
Don't hide. You didn't get married to hide from each other. I've changed my response on many issues based on my wife's response. And good marriages can allow you to adopt your spouse's response.
Let her know you support her decision but let her know you are invested in her and ultimately, any family in the future. She deserves your honest response.
We have, perverted this idea that you can be overbearing and selfish. A lot of people worry they you'll change some 'thing'. Yes, be cognizant not to make it about you but a good marriage is defined by two large objects creating friction and molding each other based on the other.
I'm a totally different person than before i was married and I'm better for it. My wife offers many good qualities. I love that she impacts me and has changed me. This is on a macroscopic level. You may rob you and your wife from a great interaction: being concerned for her, weeping for her and ready to fight for her. Those are great emotions and i think you need to acknowledge them with her, in some sort of way.
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