And here I was thinking you were trying out a new method to avoid making a new thread in case all of us love your story too much
Lol. If that was ever true, I would probably not enter.
Thankfully the competition is typically too strong.
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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #190 - "Self-Loathing" or "You Can Lead..."
- Thread starter Tangent
- Start date
- Status
Lol. If that was ever true, I would probably not enter.
Thankfully the competition is typically too strong.
Beauty Sleep (1997 words)
Ah thanks guys, ended up taking longer than I thought all together.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9gh7SQ7YQ7UTlV2eGpJZW5RaWs/view?usp=sharing
Slightly different link, might work?
Ah thanks guys, ended up taking longer than I thought all together.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9gh7SQ7YQ7UTlV2eGpJZW5RaWs/view?usp=sharing
Slightly different link, might work?
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Dandy, I tried your link and it doesn't work
Dandy, I tried your link and it doesn't work
hmm, what happens when you click it?
Your link is fine, I think he meant dandy crocodile.
Dandy Crocodile
Member
Should be working now. Thanks for the heads up!Dandy, I tried your link and it doesn't work
Great now Poseidon's going to kill us all.
Why so blue cyan?
Just started reading this and getting strong Bloodborne vibes here. I'm not gonna get spoiled though, will I? Because I just started playing it...
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Fun fact. Ive beaten bloodborne i think six times now? Anyway no real spoilers. Inspired, definitly but no spoilers from actual events
Good, I can keep reading then.
FlowersisBritish: Yeah, I can see what Nezumi was talking about with the Bloodborne vibes, though by my understanding it takes a pretty big swerve away from the Victorian werewolf plague thing relatively early on into the game? I wouldnt know, I only get to play maybe an hour every couple of weeks, and I havent gotten any further than Father Gargamel, or whatever his name is. I wonder if perhaps this doesnt play too heavily on the reader having at least some passing familiarity with Bloodborne, however? I cant unknow what I know and read this as a blank slate, and I think theres enough detail to piece together whats going on without being familiar with the game, but I cant say for certain. Invoking an homage of Bloodborne did a lot of heavy lifting for mood and atmosphere since it readily calls to mind some of the distinctive imagery from the game.
Mike M: I always feel uncomfortable when I write anything personal. Like I said in the text, Im functional, but man do I work for it sometimes. There was an article some number of months ago talking about a link between neurosis and imagination, so I guess thats the price I pay for the privilege of being creative. I just wish it was only that with none of the mood and anxiety disorders that came along with it, but you play the hand you are dealt in life, I suppose.
Dandy Crocodile: Is it weird that the thing that the roughest corner I see in this is that I dont think Azure Comet is a particularly great superhero name? At least not if youre not going to use it as a running gag where he has to constantly be explaining to people that its a bright blue color followed by the refrain So why not just call yourself the Blue Comet? The super fight from the perspective of the world-weary civilian is not a new thing, but honestly it felt like they were perhaps a little too blasé about what was going on around them. Its one thing for them to have a cynical detachment from the destruction occurring in the city, but their life was directly endangered no fewer than what, three times? Without so much as a reflexive scream? I think for what you were going for, it would have been better served if they were further away from the action instead of right in the thick of it. Also, you should read Astro City. My favorite issue was about a guy who just moved to town, and on his first day there all this shit happened that culminated in the citys heroes fighting a god. Hes standing on the roof watching this with the other people in his building, and they start sending their kids downstairs to do their homework. Hes incredulous that they would be so unconcerned when the world could be destroyed, and their response was along the lines of well if its not, they still have homework due tomorrow.
Tangent: Oh no! You made the cardinal sin of referring to Lego in the plural as Legos! The international Lego community will be battering down your door to haul you out to a secret tribunal to be tried for your offenses any moment now. Yup. Aaaaaany moment. But fuck them, I call them Legos all day every day. Legos Legos Legos Legos Legos. Also, I think this guy needs to reevaluate what it means to have his medication working well, because... Damn, dude.
Nezumi: Werent we just talking about flea circuses not too long ago? I think maybe in one of the Google Hangouts I actually made it to some number of months ago? Still weirded out that flea circuses ever actually had genuine fleas with the gold wire and everything. All my life up until like a few years ago, Id thought they were just little clockwork or windup miniature circus equipment and the gag was that the fleas were too small to see them at work. I cant imagine how painstakingly tedious it must be to try and wrap a little length of wire around a flea of all things.
Cyan: Fantasy taverns having actual glassware seems out of place, that probably should have been a goblet of wine. In fact, I found that it probably could have used maybe another once over with an eye toward language, as it sounded very modern and colloquial. Which, of course, seemed at odds with the fantasy tavern setting and children-blessed-by-gods subject matter. Solid enough concept just needed more... honing.
mu cephei: I think I liked this one, but honestly Im having a hard time telling for some reason. I appreciate that there are so many elements in this that the narrator assumes the reader to be familiar with and doesnt get into the business of explaining them, as theres enough context to figure most everything out. The ending seemed really abrupt, however. The narrator spends who knows how many years exploring the cosmos trying to find himself, only to believe himself to have failed. So he goes back home, and its just oh hey, things are okay now. I wanted to know what exactly had changed, and what had precipitated that change.
Ashes: More than anything, this reminded me of some the illustrative stories and koans of Zen Buddhism Islept sat through in college. Guess there are just some universalities of philosophy that span time and space.
Ainsz: This reads like the plot of a lost episode of the Twilight Zone or Outer Limits. It may actually be the plot of an episode of Twilight Zone or Outer Limits, lord knows theyve tackled various aspects of this at various points. The big idea behind this seems to be the novelty of the elderly existing in an era where everyone looks young forever, but I think it comes at the expense of glossing over the unspeakable devastation someone would feel to wake up and find her life gone. There are some fleeting comments along those lines, but when laid alongside her willingness to go out on TV and talk about it, it seems a far more half-hearted protest than I would expect. Theres also an innate cruelty I think to a society that would be so cavalier about the extent of her loss, but we didnt get a whole lot of that.
Votenblorgen:
1. Dandy Crocodile
2. FlowersisBritish
3. mu cephei
Mike M: I always feel uncomfortable when I write anything personal. Like I said in the text, Im functional, but man do I work for it sometimes. There was an article some number of months ago talking about a link between neurosis and imagination, so I guess thats the price I pay for the privilege of being creative. I just wish it was only that with none of the mood and anxiety disorders that came along with it, but you play the hand you are dealt in life, I suppose.
Dandy Crocodile: Is it weird that the thing that the roughest corner I see in this is that I dont think Azure Comet is a particularly great superhero name? At least not if youre not going to use it as a running gag where he has to constantly be explaining to people that its a bright blue color followed by the refrain So why not just call yourself the Blue Comet? The super fight from the perspective of the world-weary civilian is not a new thing, but honestly it felt like they were perhaps a little too blasé about what was going on around them. Its one thing for them to have a cynical detachment from the destruction occurring in the city, but their life was directly endangered no fewer than what, three times? Without so much as a reflexive scream? I think for what you were going for, it would have been better served if they were further away from the action instead of right in the thick of it. Also, you should read Astro City. My favorite issue was about a guy who just moved to town, and on his first day there all this shit happened that culminated in the citys heroes fighting a god. Hes standing on the roof watching this with the other people in his building, and they start sending their kids downstairs to do their homework. Hes incredulous that they would be so unconcerned when the world could be destroyed, and their response was along the lines of well if its not, they still have homework due tomorrow.
Tangent: Oh no! You made the cardinal sin of referring to Lego in the plural as Legos! The international Lego community will be battering down your door to haul you out to a secret tribunal to be tried for your offenses any moment now. Yup. Aaaaaany moment. But fuck them, I call them Legos all day every day. Legos Legos Legos Legos Legos. Also, I think this guy needs to reevaluate what it means to have his medication working well, because... Damn, dude.
Nezumi: Werent we just talking about flea circuses not too long ago? I think maybe in one of the Google Hangouts I actually made it to some number of months ago? Still weirded out that flea circuses ever actually had genuine fleas with the gold wire and everything. All my life up until like a few years ago, Id thought they were just little clockwork or windup miniature circus equipment and the gag was that the fleas were too small to see them at work. I cant imagine how painstakingly tedious it must be to try and wrap a little length of wire around a flea of all things.
Cyan: Fantasy taverns having actual glassware seems out of place, that probably should have been a goblet of wine. In fact, I found that it probably could have used maybe another once over with an eye toward language, as it sounded very modern and colloquial. Which, of course, seemed at odds with the fantasy tavern setting and children-blessed-by-gods subject matter. Solid enough concept just needed more... honing.
mu cephei: I think I liked this one, but honestly Im having a hard time telling for some reason. I appreciate that there are so many elements in this that the narrator assumes the reader to be familiar with and doesnt get into the business of explaining them, as theres enough context to figure most everything out. The ending seemed really abrupt, however. The narrator spends who knows how many years exploring the cosmos trying to find himself, only to believe himself to have failed. So he goes back home, and its just oh hey, things are okay now. I wanted to know what exactly had changed, and what had precipitated that change.
Ashes: More than anything, this reminded me of some the illustrative stories and koans of Zen Buddhism I
Ainsz: This reads like the plot of a lost episode of the Twilight Zone or Outer Limits. It may actually be the plot of an episode of Twilight Zone or Outer Limits, lord knows theyve tackled various aspects of this at various points. The big idea behind this seems to be the novelty of the elderly existing in an era where everyone looks young forever, but I think it comes at the expense of glossing over the unspeakable devastation someone would feel to wake up and find her life gone. There are some fleeting comments along those lines, but when laid alongside her willingness to go out on TV and talk about it, it seems a far more half-hearted protest than I would expect. Theres also an innate cruelty I think to a society that would be so cavalier about the extent of her loss, but we didnt get a whole lot of that.
Votenblorgen:
1. Dandy Crocodile
2. FlowersisBritish
3. mu cephei
Ash Furred Dogs of Midel, by FlowersisBritish - this was really atmospheric, I thought all the smells, textures were great. The battle at the end flummoxed me a bit, where did the enemy come from, and why (aren't they on the same side, the other two companies of Ash Furred Dogs, have they gone mad? or are they the things they've been wiping out?) and I assume they turned into what they're fighting against?? I wish I understood it more, as I liked it a lot.
Stir of Embers/ Wax and Feathers/ Synthesis, by Mike M - I had to read the entries again to decide who to vote for, and only on the second read did this make proper sense to me, I thought this was a story about a chimney sweep to begin with lol. But even on the first read, I just thought, you need to write those stories, I want to read them, christ, just throwing them out there like that. Also, this came across as honest, even if it wasn't.
Really Bad Traffic, by Dandy Crocodile - I love the idea. I was puzzled by a few minor things, like how long have they been there to be out of fuel, what was everyone else in the traffic behind them doing, how many robot soldiers are there! that laser is actually dangerous?! Also the 'horse to water' bit jarred. But otherwise, it was great, their concern about the phone reception etc, and whenever I see cars trashed in film like this, I think, god it will be a headache getting that fixed, their insurance is going to fight it, so this *spoke* to me.
Courtesy, by Tangent - this was great, so many little bits that were so funny or true or sad. The thinking they were moving somewhere nice, getting trapped in a neighbourhood they didn't like, the sitting in metal boxes, and I thought you captured the emotions very well.
Tiny Rebellion, by Nezumi - this was educational! I really liked the ending. But fleas... I don't sympathise, I am actually defleaing my cats tonight, for reasons.
Honing, by Cyan - this was a fun and pleasant read, I wanted to know more about the world, the marks were great, but awkward getting to know you stuff is... awkward. The knife thing was funny.
Descartes, by Ashes - mm, I didn't get this, though I still enjoyed it.
Sleeping Beauty, by Ainsz - ugh, that ending. This was interesting, though with anti aging treatments I can't help but think, what about all the poor people, and surely loads of people would choose to still age, she wouldn't really stand out.
1. Tangent
2. Mike M
3. Dandy Crocodile
hm. Flowers
Stir of Embers/ Wax and Feathers/ Synthesis, by Mike M - I had to read the entries again to decide who to vote for, and only on the second read did this make proper sense to me, I thought this was a story about a chimney sweep to begin with lol. But even on the first read, I just thought, you need to write those stories, I want to read them, christ, just throwing them out there like that. Also, this came across as honest, even if it wasn't.
Really Bad Traffic, by Dandy Crocodile - I love the idea. I was puzzled by a few minor things, like how long have they been there to be out of fuel, what was everyone else in the traffic behind them doing, how many robot soldiers are there! that laser is actually dangerous?! Also the 'horse to water' bit jarred. But otherwise, it was great, their concern about the phone reception etc, and whenever I see cars trashed in film like this, I think, god it will be a headache getting that fixed, their insurance is going to fight it, so this *spoke* to me.
Courtesy, by Tangent - this was great, so many little bits that were so funny or true or sad. The thinking they were moving somewhere nice, getting trapped in a neighbourhood they didn't like, the sitting in metal boxes, and I thought you captured the emotions very well.
Tiny Rebellion, by Nezumi - this was educational! I really liked the ending. But fleas... I don't sympathise, I am actually defleaing my cats tonight, for reasons.
Honing, by Cyan - this was a fun and pleasant read, I wanted to know more about the world, the marks were great, but awkward getting to know you stuff is... awkward. The knife thing was funny.
Descartes, by Ashes - mm, I didn't get this, though I still enjoyed it.
Sleeping Beauty, by Ainsz - ugh, that ending. This was interesting, though with anti aging treatments I can't help but think, what about all the poor people, and surely loads of people would choose to still age, she wouldn't really stand out.
1. Tangent
2. Mike M
3. Dandy Crocodile
hm. Flowers
Good stories all round! Here's my round up for what it's worth:
FlowerisBritish
Liked this a lot. I enjoyed the sentiment at the end too. The odd grammar/spelling error aside It was a fun read. Loved the dark, somber tone and the slow, building pace. And finally the dialogue felt natural all round.
Mike M
I enjoyed the the subtle back and forth between the character's left and right side brain. Like a less extreme Keanu Reeves in A Skanner Darkly. Was this a confession of a mental battle between you and Nick N? I enjoyed his depressing outlook - if that doesn't sound too sadistic. Figured his one grimace of self approval (that he's a trier), even when he knows what the outcome will be; Insane?
Dandy Crocodile
Loved these two characters and their anal observations of the world around them. They've hit a zenith together and now don't give a fuck about anything else because together; they don't need to. Even when there's a fight between two giants destroying their town, all that matters is if they can get their car fixed. I have a thing for Husband/wife partnerships. It's why I started to love skyler when she joined Walt in his business in Breaking Bad. I got that same feeling here.
Tangent
Sounded like an origin story for Foster from Falling Down. His outbursts of anger set a pretty terrifying tone for his family. How will his mental state eventually come to a head for his wife and kid? Although, his inner thoughts gave a nice 'reasoning' for all his outrage. Someone who is just lost and making all the wrong decisions that on the outside, sound good and straight forward giving him a brief feeling of positivity only to be shortly followed by the great realisation that he's just digging himself a deeper and deeper hole in his depression. Scary stuff.
Nezumi
Fun little read this. At first I was lost when you described a flea running a merry go round. But in the end found it a nicely put tale of losing hope when everyone around you is so content in the nightmare.
Cyan
I was really drawn in by this one. I'm a sucker for a dialogue driven scene and the interaction between the two leads made for a satisfying teat. The unravelling of these two characters was paced nicely and kept my interest throughout.
mu cephei
A lot going on in this one. Some grand concepts and ideas running through that I felt should be part of something bigger. It was enjoyable to follow the journey of someone trying to rid themselves of their humanity no matter the risk. But the ending held no real payoff for me. Perhaps another paragraph would have sweetened things a bit.
Ashes
So this took more than one read to process. I don't know if I got all the intended messages. A man who has been ruined by the 21st century has been picked by someone who can show him a way out of his self destruction thanks to his Cartesian philosophy. I hate for you to think I've insulted your writing by putting it so crassly, just it left me wondering what just happened. In any case it was nicely written.
Ainsz
So while I was going for something along the lines of a Black Mirror episode, the story was a great deal inspired by the song Hey Mrs by Imonster (highly recommend the Neitheroddoreven album). In response to Mike M; yup I wanted to get across the cruel, consuming nature of the public under the guise of their unbridled love and affection for the old woman. And at the cutting down stage of the writing, parts were thrown out that showed her being pushed into certain scenarios, including the TV interview she'd be understandably hesitant to go on. I won't blame the word count as I guess that's part of the challenge. Typically I've got the main plot down but end up letting the main themes and points I wanted to get across slip away.
My votes:
1.) Tangent
2.) Cyan
3.) FlowersisBritish
FlowerisBritish
Liked this a lot. I enjoyed the sentiment at the end too. The odd grammar/spelling error aside It was a fun read. Loved the dark, somber tone and the slow, building pace. And finally the dialogue felt natural all round.
Mike M
I enjoyed the the subtle back and forth between the character's left and right side brain. Like a less extreme Keanu Reeves in A Skanner Darkly. Was this a confession of a mental battle between you and Nick N? I enjoyed his depressing outlook - if that doesn't sound too sadistic. Figured his one grimace of self approval (that he's a trier), even when he knows what the outcome will be; Insane?
Dandy Crocodile
Loved these two characters and their anal observations of the world around them. They've hit a zenith together and now don't give a fuck about anything else because together; they don't need to. Even when there's a fight between two giants destroying their town, all that matters is if they can get their car fixed. I have a thing for Husband/wife partnerships. It's why I started to love skyler when she joined Walt in his business in Breaking Bad. I got that same feeling here.
Tangent
Sounded like an origin story for Foster from Falling Down. His outbursts of anger set a pretty terrifying tone for his family. How will his mental state eventually come to a head for his wife and kid? Although, his inner thoughts gave a nice 'reasoning' for all his outrage. Someone who is just lost and making all the wrong decisions that on the outside, sound good and straight forward giving him a brief feeling of positivity only to be shortly followed by the great realisation that he's just digging himself a deeper and deeper hole in his depression. Scary stuff.
Nezumi
Fun little read this. At first I was lost when you described a flea running a merry go round. But in the end found it a nicely put tale of losing hope when everyone around you is so content in the nightmare.
Cyan
I was really drawn in by this one. I'm a sucker for a dialogue driven scene and the interaction between the two leads made for a satisfying teat. The unravelling of these two characters was paced nicely and kept my interest throughout.
mu cephei
A lot going on in this one. Some grand concepts and ideas running through that I felt should be part of something bigger. It was enjoyable to follow the journey of someone trying to rid themselves of their humanity no matter the risk. But the ending held no real payoff for me. Perhaps another paragraph would have sweetened things a bit.
Ashes
So this took more than one read to process. I don't know if I got all the intended messages. A man who has been ruined by the 21st century has been picked by someone who can show him a way out of his self destruction thanks to his Cartesian philosophy. I hate for you to think I've insulted your writing by putting it so crassly, just it left me wondering what just happened. In any case it was nicely written.
Ainsz
So while I was going for something along the lines of a Black Mirror episode, the story was a great deal inspired by the song Hey Mrs by Imonster (highly recommend the Neitheroddoreven album). In response to Mike M; yup I wanted to get across the cruel, consuming nature of the public under the guise of their unbridled love and affection for the old woman. And at the cutting down stage of the writing, parts were thrown out that showed her being pushed into certain scenarios, including the TV interview she'd be understandably hesitant to go on. I won't blame the word count as I guess that's part of the challenge. Typically I've got the main plot down but end up letting the main themes and points I wanted to get across slip away.
My votes:
1.) Tangent
2.) Cyan
3.) FlowersisBritish
Dandy Crocodile
Member
1.) FlowersisBritish - Ash Furred Dogs of Midel
2.) mu cephei - The Single-Body problem
3.) Mike M - A Stir of Embers/Wax and Feathers/Synthesis
2.) mu cephei - The Single-Body problem
3.) Mike M - A Stir of Embers/Wax and Feathers/Synthesis
Ash Furred Dogs of Midel - FlowersisBritish: Really beautifully done story. The word choice was great and very vivid. Random comment: empting the ashes to be prayed upon by the rolling winds." I really liked this particular phrase: I wish I had a bit more of a sense of how the MC decided that living was more important than all else. I know you went into it a little bit -- just his observations of seeing all this suffering and people holding onto dear life -- but IDK, perhaps more of a battle of thoughts would have been helpful.
A Stir of Embers/Wax and Feathers/Synthesis - Mike M: Impressively brave how personal you got with this story. Y'know, I sometimes think that creative, new ideas don't really exist -- that we are all just stealing and copying, etc. We might have a new spin or new execution, though, of course. But I don't like thinking that way... I'd rather actually believe in creativity. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. It sounds like creativity takes a huge toll for you. Have you ever tried other ways of being creative? Composing music or creating visual art? I like how you separated your story into three pieces -- very Ashes-style.
Really Bad Traffic - Dandy Crocodile: This was hilarious. It seemed like it could have been straight out of a phone provider commercial!
Tiny Rebellion - Nezumi: This was so fascinating. It enticed me to read more about flea circuses afterwards. Poor Gerion, and how nobody even cared about his hunger strike.
Honing Regret - Cyan: The characters were revealed well through dialog. I liked the pacing and both characters seemed captivating.
The Single-Body Problem - mu cephei: I very much liked the premise of this story. But it seemed like there was a lot of world-building vs. moving the story forward. I wonder if the changes in the main character could have been revealed through more dialog or something? Really creative ideas and good job building up the main character.
Descartes - Ashes: I liked the two sentence summary of Melovic's life. This was great, but I wish some of it were fleshed out more, like what the visitor got out of Melovic's works.
Beauty Sleep - Ainsz: This was a really well-described story. Two things though: (1) why was her nickname Mrs. Gray? (2) I think it was a little surprising that the doc would say, "How about you come over so we can spend some time together?" It just seemed odd that he would ask that in a hospital room and that the lady would agree to it. The end was so disturbing and also unexpected! Lastly, I thought it was interesting that the doc was excited to perform plastic surgery at first, but then suddenly agreed with the old lady that she didn't want to just wear a mask. Maybe that change in his opinion could have been a bit longer of a conversation. I really liked how you set up the story, and how aging was a thing of the past and how the docs were so old, etc. I wonder if it would have helped to see more examples of how these peoples' lives were empty -- without having signs that showed their age, experience, or wisdom? IDK, maybe that's unnecessary, but the MC surely had a point that she felt surrounded by freak shows! What I liked the most about this story was how quickly you built up the main character.
Votes:
1. Flowers
2. Cyan
3. Nezumi
hm: Dandy
A Stir of Embers/Wax and Feathers/Synthesis - Mike M: Impressively brave how personal you got with this story. Y'know, I sometimes think that creative, new ideas don't really exist -- that we are all just stealing and copying, etc. We might have a new spin or new execution, though, of course. But I don't like thinking that way... I'd rather actually believe in creativity. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. It sounds like creativity takes a huge toll for you.
Have you ever tried other ways of being creative? Composing music or creating visual art? I like how you separated your story into three pieces -- very Ashes-style. Really Bad Traffic - Dandy Crocodile: This was hilarious. It seemed like it could have been straight out of a phone provider commercial!
Tiny Rebellion - Nezumi: This was so fascinating. It enticed me to read more about flea circuses afterwards. Poor Gerion, and how nobody even cared about his hunger strike.
Honing Regret - Cyan: The characters were revealed well through dialog. I liked the pacing and both characters seemed captivating.
The Single-Body Problem - mu cephei: I very much liked the premise of this story. But it seemed like there was a lot of world-building vs. moving the story forward. I wonder if the changes in the main character could have been revealed through more dialog or something? Really creative ideas and good job building up the main character.
Descartes - Ashes: I liked the two sentence summary of Melovic's life.
This was great, but I wish some of it were fleshed out more, like what the visitor got out of Melovic's works.Beauty Sleep - Ainsz: This was a really well-described story. Two things though: (1) why was her nickname Mrs. Gray? (2) I think it was a little surprising that the doc would say, "How about you come over so we can spend some time together?" It just seemed odd that he would ask that in a hospital room and that the lady would agree to it. The end was so disturbing and also unexpected! Lastly, I thought it was interesting that the doc was excited to perform plastic surgery at first, but then suddenly agreed with the old lady that she didn't want to just wear a mask. Maybe that change in his opinion could have been a bit longer of a conversation. I really liked how you set up the story, and how aging was a thing of the past and how the docs were so old, etc. I wonder if it would have helped to see more examples of how these peoples' lives were empty -- without having signs that showed their age, experience, or wisdom? IDK, maybe that's unnecessary, but the MC surely had a point that she felt surrounded by freak shows! What I liked the most about this story was how quickly you built up the main character.
Votes:
1. Flowers
2. Cyan
3. Nezumi
hm: Dandy
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Mike: this was odd, symbolic, deeply personal, and super not what i was expecting from Mike M. Honestly, dont really know what to say to this? Deeply personal stuff like this always puts me off guard. I liked it, and do enjoy hearing how people come to terms with their own internal struggles. Gives me weird hope in remembering Im still young and that there is lots of time to heal with. So I guess, thanks?
Dandy Croc: weird bit of pacing in narration, like with you better answer it then/ he did and The until the line went dead/ the line went dead I feel like it was a stylistic choice, but not really sure why. Didnt dislike said style, just a little weird is all and not sure how I feel. Know how I felt about your story though, it was great. The couples very lazyfair reaction to the events were really great and I think what I loved most about it was how they were concerned within reasonable levels(like its damage to the car, and the traffic). Unlike that Verizon clerk.
TANGENT!: I feel like your descriptions were super super good in this(not a typo). That and the combination of a very strong character voice really sold me on the self loathing and more importantly all the tiny psychological ticks involved in the self loathing. That window scene was so strong. That ending was somehow even stronger, what a great little bit to end on.
Nezumi: This probably says a lot of terrible things about me, but I would much rather see a fleas reaction to a terrible life in a circus then an actual flea circus. Whats the point? Do they even do flips? Anywho, this was fun. I really liked the one moment of triumph at the end.
Cyan: haha what awkward flirting. Ive always found something charming about that. Also(this is what gets me the most) THAT MAN IS NOT A WAR MAN! Though the gifts were pretty cool. They had just the flair of unusual along with unusual applications I really value in interesting powers.
Mu Cephei: Took me a second read to get this. Mostly because, in the beginning, I wasnt really sure what kind of being I was reading about. Anyways, there was a lot of really interesting world building going on throughout this, and for the most part all of it was pretty interesting. It feels like the kind of universe that would sustain a longer work. Though, my biggest gripe is VR is overrated. Seriously, I super dont get the appeal. Why do people care about VR so goddamn much???
Ashes: Lots of interesting ideas here. I like the idea of the stranger coming to see someone hes long idealized through their writing to see theyre kind of a bum at the moment. Theres some really interesting character interactions in the first part that then take a backseat to the Dickens quote.
Reds little snippet: Good descriptions, as always. Would have liked to read the rest.
Ainsz: You have a really interesting idea here of a woman who wakes up old in a world where being old doesnt really exist anymore. I think the biggest problem in this is that it doesnt really tell us about the old woman. Why was she in a coma? Where is her family? In coma stories, those are the big questions(the third being how do they adjust, which you did answer). She just kind of gets carted off to get gawked at before we really know her. Ending was also kind of weird and sudden. Also thanks for the music recommendation, these guys are pretty good.
Votes
1. Tangent
2. Dandy Croc
3. Cyan
Dandy Croc: weird bit of pacing in narration, like with you better answer it then/ he did and The until the line went dead/ the line went dead I feel like it was a stylistic choice, but not really sure why. Didnt dislike said style, just a little weird is all and not sure how I feel. Know how I felt about your story though, it was great. The couples very lazyfair reaction to the events were really great and I think what I loved most about it was how they were concerned within reasonable levels(like its damage to the car, and the traffic). Unlike that Verizon clerk.
TANGENT!: I feel like your descriptions were super super good in this(not a typo). That and the combination of a very strong character voice really sold me on the self loathing and more importantly all the tiny psychological ticks involved in the self loathing. That window scene was so strong. That ending was somehow even stronger, what a great little bit to end on.
Nezumi: This probably says a lot of terrible things about me, but I would much rather see a fleas reaction to a terrible life in a circus then an actual flea circus. Whats the point? Do they even do flips? Anywho, this was fun. I really liked the one moment of triumph at the end.
Cyan: haha what awkward flirting. Ive always found something charming about that. Also(this is what gets me the most) THAT MAN IS NOT A WAR MAN! Though the gifts were pretty cool. They had just the flair of unusual along with unusual applications I really value in interesting powers.
Mu Cephei: Took me a second read to get this. Mostly because, in the beginning, I wasnt really sure what kind of being I was reading about. Anyways, there was a lot of really interesting world building going on throughout this, and for the most part all of it was pretty interesting. It feels like the kind of universe that would sustain a longer work. Though, my biggest gripe is VR is overrated. Seriously, I super dont get the appeal. Why do people care about VR so goddamn much???
Ashes: Lots of interesting ideas here. I like the idea of the stranger coming to see someone hes long idealized through their writing to see theyre kind of a bum at the moment. Theres some really interesting character interactions in the first part that then take a backseat to the Dickens quote.
Reds little snippet: Good descriptions, as always. Would have liked to read the rest.
Ainsz: You have a really interesting idea here of a woman who wakes up old in a world where being old doesnt really exist anymore. I think the biggest problem in this is that it doesnt really tell us about the old woman. Why was she in a coma? Where is her family? In coma stories, those are the big questions(the third being how do they adjust, which you did answer). She just kind of gets carted off to get gawked at before we really know her. Ending was also kind of weird and sudden. Also thanks for the music recommendation, these guys are pretty good.
Votes
1. Tangent
2. Dandy Croc
3. Cyan
I think all the votes are in, yeah? I'm going to nap for a bit (I have a fever again!) and then I can count votes.
Edit: Sorry for the delay!
Here's what I enumerated:
FlowersisBritish: 12 (3)
Tangent: 11 (3)
Dandy Crocodile: 7 (1)
MikeM: 7 (1)
Cyan: 7
mu cephei: 3
Nezumi: 1
Did I get that right? Could someone be so kind as to double-check? If this is correct, then congrats Flowers on a well-deserved win!
Edit: Sorry for the delay!
Here's what I enumerated:
FlowersisBritish: 12 (3)
Tangent: 11 (3)
Dandy Crocodile: 7 (1)
MikeM: 7 (1)
Cyan: 7
mu cephei: 3
Nezumi: 1
Did I get that right? Could someone be so kind as to double-check? If this is correct, then congrats Flowers on a well-deserved win!
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Thanks for the thing. Sit tight folks gonna be a bit of a wait on the challenge. So lets all watch Mike implode on himself
RoyaleDuke
Banned
Can I still submit things for you guys to read even though it is over?
Got a couple short story Ideas I want to throw at you guys.
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Thats more a Writing OT thread kind of thing. These challenges are for stories specifically written for these challenges and once theyre dobe theyre done. Well have a new thread up later today, but if u just have stories u want some opinions on, better to bring it to the Writing OT.
Id link it, but Im on my phone and i can barely type on this thing D:
God damn it.
I just hope the new topic is up when I have to board my bus tomorrow. 3 hours of nothing else to do is the perfect environment for coming up with story ideas.
Edit: Wait, I just remembered that Flowers mentioned he wanted to do this lightning challenge kind of thing... what if he'll let us wait till Friday and then only gives us 12 hours to write...
Brace yourself people, Mayhem might be coming
Edit: Wait, I just remembered that Flowers mentioned he wanted to do this lightning challenge kind of thing... what if he'll let us wait till Friday and then only gives us 12 hours to write...
Brace yourself people, Mayhem might be coming
Chainsawkitten
Member
Theme: Teasing Mike M.
I hope not. Don't want to miss my first challenge ever. :/
Really? As much as I love to have some time to ponder my ideas I'd be interested to see what I'd produce under absolute pressure.
It could be a cool thing to try, but I almost certainly wouldn't be able to do it if it was this week.
Chainsawkitten
Member
We could just do "write a story. You have 5 hours. (At any point in the week, whenever you can. (As per honor system.))"
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Calm down everybody, new thread is up
That sounds amazing! I actually have been meaning to do a challenge involving Flash Fiction at some point. I have a very specific idea I've been saving in my pocket for awhile, and will continue to save until I really feel like writing some flash fiction.
That sounds amazing! I actually have been meaning to do a challenge involving Flash Fiction at some point. I have a very specific idea I've been saving in my pocket for awhile, and will continue to save until I really feel like writing some flash fiction.
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