How many kids have parents who let them do what I got to do? How many kids come from a situation where they were able to shuck the expectations of who they were, not just by their parents, but by the society they grew up in, and the collectivist culture we all grew up in? Even I struggle with the fact that I'd been doing what America told me I am without even understanding I was doing it. I grew up in the suburbs of Michigan. Racism was not overt, it was super undercover, and while you're there you don't notice it. You think you're fine, because 6 percent of your school is Asian, and that's enough. You go about it and you think, ”Everything's fine. But why am I beta? Why do I only have these types of friends? Why am I not allowed in this subsection of groups? Why don't girls think of you romantically, even if they say all these nice things about you? Why is there not that extra step to be like, ‘Oh, there's an actual romantic interest here?'" I think it's because when you're in high school, you're just a fucking kid! You listen to the rules sometimes, and as someone who grows up in a place that isn't as eclectic as you think it was when you were growing up, you just want to fit in, and that also means sitting in the pocket you think you're supposed to be in.
People who knew me growing up know that my most comfortable place is a very type-A personality. I can be aggressive and I can be very chatty, but also I can be very quiet. That quietness also is then misconstrued as, ”Oh, you're beta. You're only supposed to be beta. You're supposed to follow and do chores." I remember in high school, that was the pocket I fell into and I could never rationalize this feeling of general anger, because I was never comfortable in my own skin. I was like, ”I don't feel like I'm supposed to be here, but I am here." Then you grow up, you go to a place that's more diverse, you talk to other people, and you go, ”Holy shit. I became exactly what everybody told me I was instead of being who I actually am." That's where I feel like a lot of Asian kids are. I have hope for this next generation because they're growing up in a different time and have different struggles. I would say that with our generation, you talk to a dude and sometimes they do the version of the Asian that they think America is telling them they're supposed to be, and they don't even know it. That's where we have to be realistic: At what point are you circulating and fulfilling the cycle of our underrepresentation?
