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[Sheppard]

She's too broken and you don't have the means to fix her.

This. So much This.

The answer you will find here is always going to be the same. She is to far gone and you owe it to yourself to look out for you at this point. Sure, if things were different and you were able to "fix" this from the beginning, that maybe would have helped. But nothing you do as of this point is going to make her better.

Look. Out. For. You.

 

[Saturnman]

I met one of the most beautiful girls inside and out, in my opinion, I've ever seen.


...Thoughts?

Pics first?

 

[EOS-HDC]

Cut her out OP, as much as you care about her, she doesn't care about you, and has made a joke out of your relationship.

And you're wrong if you think you have nothing to lose by keeping this thing going on, the more you give her the more you'll regret, stop OP.

You're just hurting yourself and you don't notice it.

 

[MogCakes]

She was using you and does not respect you.

 

[Dreams-Visions]

Looks like you've received all the advice you need here, whether it's what you wanted to hear or not.

Best of luck, OP. Trust all this advice from people that have been there and done that.

 

[GameAddict411]

It's easier said than done, believe me I have been there though not with a drug addict but it's time to cut all contacts. It's apparent you deserve better. The only person who could help her is herself at this point. She have gotten all the support she needed from you and her parents. It's time she does something to get out of that shitty life of hers. You are not obligated to pick the pieces, and you certainly shouldn't if you want to keep your sanity and happiness.

 

[LegendofLex]

It's impossible to develop the foundation for a relationship with an addict, because the kind of person you're really falling for is not the person they choose to be - it's the person you imagine they have the potential to be without the habit.

And, sadly, a relationship with someone with a habit is never a relationship with the best potential that person has. It's an abusive relationship with their worst self. Because that's the self they choose every time they use, every time they make the decisions that lead to them regressing back to using. And the nature of drug addiction means drug abuse is a commitment that overrides their ability to commit to a healthy relationship while also inflicting serious harm on the relationships they do have.

A relationship with an addict tends to revolve around one or more of a few things:

- "Protecting" the addict from relapse (or the consequences of relapse)
- Trying to "fix" the addict's personal failings which lead to relapse
- Attempting to "be a better person" for the sake of the other person in the relationship (either becoming a better person yourself, or trying to keep them from going back to other unhealthy relationships that lead them to use)
- Working to "make them happy" so they don't use

The problem is that none of these strategies work, and all of them are unhealthy for you and for any relationship. Addiction isn't like other mental illness, where the symptoms arise regardless of one's relationship to their environment - it's founded entirely on an unhealthy relationship with unhealthy behavior.

 

[LookAtMeGo]

I watched my ex spiral out of control and become an addict. Shit was hard to watch. Cutting her from my life was the best decision I could have made. I really was trying to help even though I knew she was using me but I was blinded by my feelings for her and let her walk all over me. I just couldnt fucking say no to the girl. Just walk away from it dude. You will be happy you did soon enough.

 

[The_blonde_and_blue]

First post wins.

Seriously, it's hard to hear, but you have to get out yo. This relationship will ruin you, and not only that, it will ruin future relationships for you as well. Hell, it will ruin you for other partners. I've had my fair share of this type of drama, and I have so many lingering issues, problems, and insecurities from it, that it's definitely made my current SO suffer.

You deserve better. You should've been out the first time she lied about it.

 

[Beer Monkey]

You got 'love bombed' by a narcissist or borderline who was also an addict.

During this phase, the psychopath will emphasize six major points:

1. We have so much in common
2. We have the same hopes and dreams
3. We share the same insecurities
4. You are beautiful/handsome
5. I've never felt this way in my life
6. We are soul mates

The psychopath essentially becomes a carbon copy of everything you've ever wanted in a partner. The normal person starts thinking he/she has indeed met their soulmate.

He/she opens up and becomes deeply committed to the relationship which quickly becomes a major part of his/her daily life.

Once the normal person is hooked, the psychopath will start testing the waters to see far they'll be able to push this person. Are they a good victim? They'll poke gently at the insecurities they've identified along the way, observing the person's reaction. If the target reacts in a negative way, they'll insist it was just good-natured teasing, and they'll wrap it up with some flattery. In this manner, the psychopath is gradually training the normal person to ignore their intuition. If the idealization worked as planned, the normal person will be more invested in keeping the relationship smooth than in standing up for themselves. Everything is in place for the next step...

Support: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPDlovedones/

 

[Usobuko]

I think what's more incredible is you said she almost died from her addiction. And her grandmother just passed away as well.

If these 2 events are not a strong wake-up call to anyone, then whatever you can do is trivial. It's her life, let her take responsibility for it, even if she gets herself killed for real next time, it's not and never your fault.

 

[Aizo]

You can't let this girl rule your life. She's shown her true colors, and you'll only get hurt the more you try. This is not healthy for you.

Pics first?

Oh, shut up.

 

[Keym]

You should've told the parents and let her be. There wasn't much else you could've done. Let it go.

 

[Trey]

Addiction is a two way street, so don't feel bad if you relapse on her. But it's important for you to identify that continuing this courtship is a relapse for you. It's tough to walk away, even if everything in you tells you to. My best advice is to cut her off entirely - barring that, limit your contact to her as much as possible. But understand this power she holds over, because it is profound, and a user will exploit it.

It is your own mind and addiction empowering your feelings for her, and not her actual merit. This is your struggle as much as her heroin addiction is her's.

Good luck.

 

[Tagyhag]

Bruh, here's some tough love for you.

It was only 6 fucking months. I've had shits take longer to come out.

It wasn't true love, you can do better than a heroin addict. She chose her path, don't go down follow her down the same road.

You didn't find her at the Starbucks in the same mall that you work in out of destiny. It was out of convenience.

Fuck her, fuck her druggie ex, and just work on bettering yourself and finding someone who doesn't lie to you the way she did.

 

[Steeped in a Sea of Games]

Just sharing my abridged experience in a similar situation. Was dating a girl in high school that grew up abused (sexually and mentally) by her extremely religious family. She was smart and cute but sad all the time. When she was with me, she was like a different person, happy, adventurous, etc. When high school ended, she was struggling to get by, so we decided to live together, but of course this was a major problem with her family because of the religion stuff and they still had a hold on her. I ended up getting married at 18 because I couldn't stand the thought of losing her and her going back to being miserable/suicidal.

We were happy for one year and then everything fell apart. We fought more, she grew more distant, the responsibilities of life got in the way with us trying to juggle marriage and work and college and finances and, and, and... One day I answered the phone and it was some dude I didn't recognize. He hung up quickly after realizing he'd reached me instead of her and that was it. I confronted her and she said nothing and ran. Long story short, she became embroiled in drugs, dangerous sex, and other bad shit. The whole thing took such a toll on me that I ended up suffering from extreme anxiety attacks and depression. I lost all my friends, strained my relationship with my family, and ended up having to move 1,000 miles away just to cope. Last I saw her picture, a few years ago, she looked like one of those cautionary meth abuse pictures.

My story has a happy ending though. After years of mental illness on my side, I managed to pull through with the help of medication and have now been remarried for 12 years to an amazing woman who actually has it together and is successful. I also have 2 great kids. I had hit rock bottom, but now I'm in a better place than I ever could have imagined being in in the old relationship. It cost me though. The first half of my 20's is like a black hole. A huge chunk of my life and progression gone forever. I wasn't able to finish my undergraduate until I was 30 despite starting at 18.

I hope this story helps you a little OP. Don't be like me. You can't save someone when you're that close to the problem. She needs other outside help.

 

[Sho_Nuff82]

Nothing about that entire OP sounds healthy.

 

[andythinkpad]

Thread title sounds like parody James Bond porno title, just saying.

 

[Messofanego]

Thread title sounds like parody James Bond porno title, just saying.

I wondered the same thing.

The Addict Who Left Me is like the most depressing James Bond movie.

 

[Catdaddy]

Do you really want to put up with that shit for the rest of your life? Besides, I don’t think it’s at all possible to have any type of real relationship based on the behavior you’ve described.

Move on, find someone you don’t have to write a long post about on an internet forum asking for advice, they are out there…

 

[off duty ninja]

As another person that has had a similar experience I agree with all of the cut ties and run comments. The addict and ex combo (especially when the ex is a partner in the addiction) is very difficult and will only continue to cause you pain.

This is good advice. Her relapses did break your trust, as much as it was destructive for her as well. Sounds like you tried your best, although I have to admit it seemed like a bit of a misstep not to confront her about her weed usage when she was a recovering addict...

With time hopefully you'll stop seeing her as 'The One' and just as a troubled girl you really cared about. Hopefully you can move forward after this.

In regards to the bolded, studies regularly show that opioid addiction rates and overdoses are lower in states with legalized marijuana. I understand the intent of your comment but replacing heroin with marijuana use should be encouraged rather than seen as a sign of continued addiction. Just my two cents on that.

 

[WhateverItTakes]

As another person that has had a similar experience I agree with all of the cut ties and run comments. The addict and ex combo (especially when the ex is a partner in the addiction) is very difficult and will only continue to cause you pain.



In regards to the bolded, studies regularly show that opioid addiction rates and overdoses are lower in states with legalized marijuana. I understand the intent of your comment but replacing heroin with marijuana use should be encouraged rather than seen as a sign of continued addiction. Just my two cents on that.

That's fair, I would just be worried about it developing into another dependency. Though since you can't OD on weed it's less dangerous for sure.

 

[ReAxion]

that's heavy as hell. they say heroin addicts never forget it. always thinking about that high, forever, and they'll literally sacrifice everything to get it when it gets them.

 

[Tawney Bomb]

I think you're better off not trying to win her back and probably cancelling those plans to hang out. If you keep her around you aren't going to move on, and you definitely need to move on.

 

[Brofield]

Superman complex. I go through the same motions too. It's not just her, either. You want everyone to be happy. You want to take on their pain, because you think you can bear it.

It's a conscious effort to not be Superman, OP. God knows, were I in your position I'd be making the same thread too. She sounds amazing, when she's sober. I know too many people like that. Co-workers, friends, even a cousin or three. But the problem is, you're not Superman. You can't fly at the speed of sound to escape their black hole vortex. The only way you could possibly help is to cut all emotional ties with you, and at that point she might as well be paying a counsellor or therapist who is qualified and has studied how to make addicts stop relapsing on their drug of choice.

It's gonna suck to quit on her. The only reason she quit the first time was when people she trusted got her help that she consented to. At this point, she's not going to trust you. As shit as it sounds, she's gonna have to trust someone else to make her consent to getting help again. Maybe then she'll come around, look back on her life and re-connect with you.

Spoiler

Please don't hold on to this hope long or short term. This is merely a possibility; stats don't mean shit until you're a part of them

OP, really I think you just need closure. Therein lies the rub. I don't know how you'll get it, and maybe a part of you will always remain with her. But somehow, you gotta find a way to view yourself as whole again, without anyone else in your life. People are supplementary to your character. Stay whole.

 

[Liljagare]

Re-read your post and pretend that it was a friend that typed it. You'll find the answer you seek.

Nailed it.

Look at my post history if you don't trust me.

 

[Darkman M]

Jesus man..... when's enough enough? First reply nailed it, you know what you need to do, but at the end of the day your are gonna do what you want to do.

 

[Advocatus Diaboli]

I think you're better off not trying to win her back and probably cancelling those plans to hang out. If you keep her around you aren't going to move on, and you definitely need to move on.

Why should anyone attempt to "win" back a heroin addict barista who's with and/or not still over her ex?

Setting aside that you can't "win" anyone, she's seriously not a prize.

 

[Omegasquash]

Addiction fucks up the lives of the user and the lives of those around them.

Keep it out of your life, OP. You tried, she didn't want your help, and she openly used you. Leave, torch the bridge, don't look back, don't answer your phone and don't open the door if she "comes around".

Learn from this, and understand that you deserve better. I wish you luck, OP. It's a shit lesson to learn, but you're on the other side of it, now.

 

[RRockman]

Jeez, Bojack Horseman Season 4 is pretty dark huh?.


In all seriousness op, don't beat yourself up over it. You tried your best but you know the old saying: you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. She has to decide for herself if she wanted to get sober and move on. This is going to be harsh, but:

based on what you've told us she already made her choice that fateful night after her grandmother died.

If it's too late to cancel I'd end things at this last meeting. For good.

 

[Darkman M]

Why should anyone attempt to "win" back a heroin addict barista who's with and/or not still over her ex?

Setting aside that you can't "win" anyone, she's seriously not a prize.

I'm sorry but this is cold hard facts, OP seems out of reality.

 

[B_Bech]

I'm going to write up a longer post on what exactly I'm going to do, but GAF you can't imagine how helpful this advice has been. You all seem to be saying the exact words I feel like I've needed to hear. I think even the act of typing this all out has been therapeutic in and of itself. Something to note though, I know she's terrible for me but she is a genuinely great person with basically a self inflicted disease. It's a damn shame she'll never have a cure, and you guys have made it painfully clear that it certainly won't be me. Maybe she will get clean one day, and she'll hit me up-- but that's probably not going to happen. I know you will all tell me being a friend to her is ill advised... but it's still something in the back of my mind.

I have to see this for what it is: a 6 month fling that burned hot and fizzed out just as fast. Heroin is a fucking cruel thing to deal with, and I think pity was the cement that built the foundation of our relationship. Unfortunately, it makes for a crappy support-- just as I did. I'm not professionally qualified to help her... and as much I never cared to, I truly have to seek my own help and follow my own dreams of happiness rather than try to cram my wishes into her.

Can I just give you all a genuine thank you for listening to my problem and giving real advice? Much love to all of you. Thanks for being real when I needed it.

 

[ZombiePlatypus]

It sucks OP. The person you fell for has shown that they can't be (and sustain being) what you fell in love with, given their destructive behavior and choices.

I don't mean this as an insult at all, but everytime you miss her, remember that she chose drugs (and another druggie) over you. You're better off honestly.

 

[DietRob]

I've unfortunately had to deal with a several recovering and active heroin addicts due to completely devastating this epidemic is in my state and friends circle. It's an incredibly difficult thing for a person to get through.

Quite honestly she has to do it on her own for herself and nobody else. Maybe once she gets to that point you guys can have a relationship. I hope she does. I've seen it go the other way too many times to be very optimistic.

 

[SRG01]

OP, when people show you who they are, believe them.

Or the most Zen-like quote I've ever read: Judge a book by its cover.

We often attribute things to people that are completely delusional and false, and ignore what's plainly in front of us.

 

[Chorazin]

Six months dude. Six. Months.

That's all you spent with her. Yes, I know it hurts. But she's broken in ways you can't fix. Ways she truly doesn't want to fix herself at this time.

Cut ties, move on. It's her life, and you trying to stay involved is just going to hurt you more and more.

 

[Beer Monkey]

I'm sorry but this is cold hard facts, OP seems out of reality.

You don't understand "true love".

/s

 

[Deleted member 17706]

I honestly don't doubt she was serious with you in the moment, but heroin is so addictive and it's just so easy to relapse. Almost no one gets off of it.

I would move on if you can. It will almost certainly lead to more heartbreak for you. She'll probably be dead before she turns 25 if she continues down this path and there is no way to help her unless she sincerely wants help.

 

[twentytwo22]

Nothing wrong with you, dude. It's a sad story, but it's not an uncommon one for users of heavy drugs.

Also:

"She accidentally spilled the lemon water I ordered on me, causing me to slip and fall face first into the counter. This shattered my glasses, which cut into my face. I actually got carried away in a stretcher, having hit my head on the ground. Yep, had to get stitches... that was fun. It's a cute story, because I literally fell for her at that moment, you could say."

J...jesus man.

 

[B_Bech]

Nothing wrong with you, dude. It's a sad story, but it's not an uncommon one for users of heavy drugs.

Also:

"She accidentally spilled the lemon water I ordered on me, causing me to slip and fall face first into the counter. This shattered my glasses, which cut into my face. I actually got carried away in a stretcher, having hit my head on the ground. Yep, had to get stitches... that was fun. It's a cute story, because I literally fell for her at that moment, you could say."

J...jesus man.

It was funny at the time, and that part still makes me laugh. She's klutzy as hell.

 

[teruterubozu]

She's klutzy as hell.

Most addicts are. Believe me, you quitting her is gonna be much easier than her quitting heroin. It's no joke.

 

[Kronotech]

Heroin is horrible, man. You're clinging on to the person she used to be. The girl before heroin took over. The girl who is so sweet and focused on making you happy is hidden now. The heroin version of her is in love with the drug, her ex, and that's it. You can't change that.

When she was trying to let you go, she either wanted to get you (her new parole officer) off her back so she didn't have to hide... or she really didn't want to bring you down in to her painful world.

As tough as it is, you MUST move on and find one of the other 6 billion girls in this world who will not have an addiction to heroin but still treat you the way this one used to.

 

[OmegaTreeFish]

I'm going to write up a longer post on what exactly I'm going to do, but GAF you can't imagine how helpful this advice has been. You all seem to be saying the exact words I feel like I've needed to hear. I think even the act of typing this all out has been therapeutic in and of itself. Something to note though, I know she's terrible for me but she is a genuinely great person with basically a self inflicted disease. It's a damn shame she'll never have a cure, and you guys have made it painfully clear that it certainly won't be me. Maybe she will get clean one day, and she'll hit me up-- but that's probably not going to happen. I know you will all tell me being a friend to her is ill advised... but it's still something in the back of my mind.

I have to see this for what it is: a 6 month fling that burned hot and fizzed out just as fast. Heroin is a fucking cruel thing to deal with, and I think pity was the cement that built the foundation of our relationship. Unfortunately, it makes for a crappy support-- just as I did. I'm not professionally qualified to help her... and as much I never cared to, I truly have to seek my own help and follow my own dreams of happiness rather than try to cram my wishes into her.

Can I just give you all a genuine thank you for listening to my problem and giving real advice? Much love to all of you. Thanks for being real when I needed it.

You will do just fine. Hopefully one day she will to. But i imagine by then you will have found someone much better and be happier than you ever thought possible. Good luck. Im sure you will do just fine. Its just hard to let go at first but you can do it.

 

[GreenMonkey]

I normally give this short summary of how my relationship went.

When you're 20 and your girl passes out under the pool table in her bra, after doing more shots than you did, it seems exciting. Crazy girls are great fun in bed, too.

These things aren't so fun when you're pushing 30 or 35 and you have to try to explain to your daughter why mommy is vomiting into a bucket. Or why Mommy is in the hospital but you don't want to tell her she basically did it to herself

Or even before that, when you are calling in sick to work because she passed out and someone has to be around for the baby.

Don't get me wrong, I love my wife, and 10 years of therapy and a couple of brushes with death and she is generally better. But a lot of it wasn't a fun ride, not at all.

And that's not even heroin. Even she didn't fuck around with heroin (although she flirted with few other scary substances). She always said she knows she would end up dead if she started on heroin.

Get the fuck out while this relationship is new and you don't have kids or a house or anything else to make it complicated.

Because you'll likely be dealing with this same shit for the next 10 years on and off.

I always joke I was the boring one, so I had a irrational liking for crazy when I was young. Listen to your elders. Find a nice girl. Not a fucking catastrophe like this girl sounds like.

 

[Maximus.]

I hate to put it this bluntly but....she's a heroin addict that's seeing her ex-boyfriend on the side.

Do we really need to tell you what to do here?

Pretty much summarized. It is hard, but believe me, you will find someone better, who isn't trying to continuously ruin their own life and yours.

 

[IISANDERII]

"She's the most amazing person I've ever met that just so happens to be plagued by a horrible addiction. I look past and accept that. "

No, you really haven't. When you accept the lying, the relapses,the using her body to score drugs, the overdoses and the fatal overdose is when you will have accepted her.

Also, you attempted to be the angel on her shoulder. That was a terrible mistake.

 

[weekev]

OP you sound like s genuinely nice guy. Find a genuinely nice girl.

 

[mafe]

She was not and is not the love of your life.

PERIOD

She's using you. You were a temporary rebound and she's doing what she wants.

She has made it obvious you're not worth one one-thousandth of what you value her.

I've known guys that get with needy girls, and do everything to please them and save them. They pretty much saw themselves as their white knights. Needless to say they got trapped in toxic relationships.

Don't be like those guys.

 

[shawnbuddy]

The OP is going to get robbed by this girl, try to get his stuff back, and get stabbed to death by this junkie's real boyfriend while she cheers him on.

 

[Snowman Prophet of Doom]

The answer here is clear, but OP, you have my sympathy for how emotionally wrenching this must be. No matter how easy and obvious it is to say that shit is not and never was real when you are outside of a fucked-up mess of a situation, it is incredibly difficult to deal with when you are one of the beings stuck right in the psychological muck of it.

Do what you most enjoy doing, and find some new things to do that are not associated with her in the least.