Support NeoGAF

[goodcow]

http://newyork.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/58848251.html

Re:RANT: No Condoms?!?!
Reply to: anon-58848251@craigslist.org
Date: Mon Feb 07 22:33:20 2005


> I always keep condoms in my night stand. I could care less if a guy thinks
> I'm promiscuous.

Years ago, I was dating a girl who didn't want to have sex. "If I'm not worth waiting for, then you're not worth it." She was hot, though, and I was smitten, so I hung around.

Weeks turned into months, still with no substantial action. We saw each other several times a week. She'd sleep over regularly, in my bed. We'd fool around every now and then (so I was at least able to determine that she didn't have a cock), but never to "completion". I was a gentleman, so I was willing to give her the time she needed.

(For the record, by "gentleman", I mean "guy stupid, young, and naive enough to date a woman for more than one week without getting any".)

It ended when she asked me to help her move into a new apartment. I took my truck over to her place, and helped her pack. When I broke down her bed, lo and behold, the floor underneath it was littered with - nay, awash in - condom wrappers.

"What the fuck is this?"

"Oh... I'll get the trash can."

"Trash can? Forget about the trash can. Who's screwing the girl I'm buying dinner for? And why isn't he here carrying these boxes?"

"It's So-and-so. I told you about him."

"So-and-so? You told me that you saw him a few times, and thought that he was a complete fucking loser. I've never heard you say a nice thing about the guy."

"That's right. I don't think that he's ever going to move out of his mother's house. What's wrong? You and I aren't exclusive, and you've never had a problem with me dating anyone else."

Mind-boggling. "You've refused to have sex with me for the past several months because you 'weren't ready'."

"Yes."

"You met So-and-so, what, two months ago?"

"Yes."

"And you're having, based on the detritus under your bed, substantial amounts of sex with him?"

"Yes."

"And you're asking why I might have a problem with that?"

"Yes. What's wrong? We're not exclusive, I can see whomever I want."

"You're missing the point. I don't have a problem with you having sex with him. You're obviously being careful, good for you, have fun. What I *do* have a problem with is that you're *not* having sex with *me*. You can't play the 'I need time to be ready' card with one guy while playing the fuckbuddy card with another."

"I'm not seeing him any more."

"You're *still* missing the point. For the past several months, I've been operating under the belief that you are a thoughtful individual who is cautious regarding physical relationships due to mistakes you've made in the past. That's what you told me, and that's why I've been so patient with you. Now, I find out - rather abruptly, I might add - that this caution apparently only applies to *me*."

"That's not how it is, really. You and I are close, and you're really nice to me. I like being with you. I don't really like him, it's just a sex thing."

"I know what a fuckbuddy is and, once again, I don't care that you have one. This is all about me. I'm the one buying the dinners, and this lives-with-mom-works-at-the-A&P-makes-you-take-a-cab-to-your-rented-movie-and-microwave-popcorn-date-at-his-house jackass is getting all the action. Does that seem reasonable to you?"

"If I'm not worth waiting for, then..."

"Sure, whatever. The shit that's in my truck will be on the sidewalk in five minutes. Goodbye."

"But who's going to help me mooooovvvvveee????"

Un-fucking-believable.

After that, I implemented the highly successful two date/$40 rule:


1. Date One - beverage of her choice with one refill, and an appetizer
2. Date Two - dinner at any of the finer dining establishments that specialize in flair and excessive wall ornamentation


If I had not ejaculated in, on, or within reasonable proximity to my date by the conclusion of the second date, all requests for subsequent dates were denied. This was not a stated policy, as I was interested in sluts, not whores.

(I'm not using "sluts" pejoratively. I genuinely like girls who aren't all hung up on bullshit like "But I don't really know you", or "There are people everywhere", or "Because she's my cousin, and she's only 15".)

Where were we... oh, promiscuity. Good stuff. Don't ever change.

I'd make a typical lackluster CL attempt to pick you up for myself, but you probably aren't bi, and my SO gets angry when I bring home women that I can't share. Besides, this is CL, so you're probably a supermodel or something. C'est la vie.








it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

http://newyork.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/60629765.html

Why A Cyberskin Vibrator is WAY Better Than a Boyfriend
Reply to: anon-60629765@craigslist.org
Date: Mon Feb 21 01:18:00 2005


As I was driving home from work on Friday, I decided to swing by Good Vibrations on Valencia Street in San Francisco. I admit it, I go from time to time... just to check out the stuff. As a woman, I don't make eye contact with anyone in there--even though the staff and other customers seem pretty nice. Well, to make a long story short, I met the Cyberskin Realistic Vibe, 6 3/8" of oh, yeah, at the price of only $56 and batteries. Now, if you've never touched "cyberskin," it's a somewhat new material--a bit cold when you first touch it, but frighteningly REALISTIC. I'm not kidding. It even sort of stretches and moves like real skin. This was definitely different than the outdated "lipstick" style vibrator I had at home.

I bought it and got out of there pretty quick. Oh, I pretend to be all modern, but all in all, I'm pretty shy.

To make a long story short, I have left my place a total of 50 minutes in three days. With the blinds drawn in my bedroom, I have been having one-weekend-long "This is so good" fest. While walking my dog in loose pajama pants, covered with a down jacket, my neighbor actually stopped me and said, "Hey, you look great." She looked at my flushed face, loose legs and continued, "Are you working out these days?" "Uh, yeah," I said, flustered. Pretending my dog was anxious to get along, I mumbled something like, "Sorta" as I rounded the courtyard. I've promised that I have to take a break from my new "cyberskin" friend tomorrow... I just gotta get some work done, but I can tell you, this is one relationship that is going to last. Now I'll tell you why:

1) My new "cyberskin friend" guarantees that I'll never feel that huge disappointment when I fumble in a man's drawers and find what feels like a tiny mushroom. Great, I used to think. 2 inches of hard-on. There's no time a wasting when I can reach into my drawer for 6 3/8" of fun EVERY TIME. Gotta dig that!

2) If I want to direct some attention (and time) to my pleasure button, I don't get rolled eyes and grimaces. Mr. Cyberskin ALWAYS goes where I want him. And since I can direct Mr. C, I don't have to deal with fingers jammed on my cli+ like I'm a video game. Mr. C knows that a bare brush back and forth does the trick.

3) No more refusals from uptight Irish-Catholics when I move Mr. C to my back door. With some lube, it's all good for my vibrating buddy. And thank you, my cyrberskin friend, for being so openminded. With a quick clean up in warm water and soap, he's ready for more.

4) When it's time for a break, I don't have to sit through irritating "whew, whew, whew" from The Three Stooges. No annoying sports games on tv. The tv clicker is all mine.

5) Instead of buying my "he's got potential" boyfriend dinner AGAIN, all I need is two AA batteries.

6) If I get bored with Mr. Cyberskin, I can dump him in the drawer. It's a no fuss break-up. And no lingering friendships with his in-laws or whatever. (Every guy's in-laws fall in love with me... I'm beautiful, smart, educated and like people... it's a curse). With Mr. C, it's a clean break... until I'm in the mood again. Then it's outta the drawer and back in action. Ahhhhh, there you are Mr. C.

7) Mr. C is NEVER self-centered. He never grabs my head to jam it down on his (sometimes smells like urine) penis. Nope. Mr. C is all about my needs. Believe me... it's refreshing.

8) Mr. C can go rough or gentle... he knows just what I need and delivers it. No more trying to communicate with a man who isn't interested in what I need. No second guessing. It's all on order. If I'm in a quickie mood, it's like a drive-thru orgasm. If I want to linger, it's a lot of teasing and seduction that will drive me to moaning in no time.

9) My cyberskin pal never drives me around the city, lost. He leaves the driving up to me. If I want, I can always stash him in a brown paper sack and put him in the glove compartment. He loves to travel.

10) I don't have to apologize to Mr. C for just wanting a decent f*ck and not a lot of dilly-dallying around. No wasting time "building a relationship" so I can feel good about my need to get laid. With Mr. C, we got close right away--and I sense we won't be parted for long.

11) Mr. C isn't just hot during the honeymoon stage. He NEVER calls me up and tells me he's too busy, tired or too-much of an asshole to drive over to my place for FREE sex.

12) Even though my cyberskin pal won't buy me dinner, a new dress or take me to Bermuda, he's the best, most consistent boyfriend I've ever had. And he's never made a pass at my girlfriends, slept around on me behind my back, stunk up my bathroom, farted in bed, called me at work or made me ashamed to take him to a party.

Let's just say I definitely think this long-term relationship will fill a LOT of my needs. Heheh. I recommend Mr. C to any gals out there who are tired of wasting their time, finding out that most men are self-centered jerks... or worse yet, lowering their expectations so that they can get a man. Don't do it! Instead, invest less than you would on buying that new man a birthday gift and buy yourself a gift that will last and last and last...

Oh, and if you're too shy to go into a store and check it out, Good Vibrations is online, too. www dot goodvibes dot com. If you're into tub fun, check out the waterproof vibrators, too. Wow, gotta go. Mr. C is calling.


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

http://newyork.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/31146618.html

A rant and a rave: The wonderful agony of oral sex
Reply to: anon-31146618@craigslist.org
Date: Thu May 13 15:50:40 2004


The problem with oral sex is that it’s like writing; when done right, it’s amazing, but there are just so many ways it can go wrong.

High school was the first time I realized that blow jobs would be a painful pleasure. I was seeing a girl from another school in my area, and she was one of the very first girls to ever give me head. We were both new at it, and she liked me to courtesy tap. [For the sexually naïve: A courtesy tap is where I tap her on the head right before I climax so she could pull off and avoid getting any of my ejaculate in her mouth.] This was common practice, because she refused to taste semen. In her mind—I’m not making this up—she wasn’t doing anything wrong as long as I didn’t come in her mouth. Aren’t 17 year old girls funny?

The first few times she went down on me I courtesy tapped, but this time we were in my car right outside her house, I got carried away with the risk and thrill of having her suck my dick about 20 yards away from her father, who I hated, and I lost track of my progress. Before I realized what was happening, she let out a little yelp, shut up from my crotch with her mouth full of splooge, gave a muffled, “You asshole,” then spit my come all over my face.

She was out of my car and into her house before I knew it. I quickly drove off, not wanting to face her rifle-wielding father, with seminal fluid still meekly drizzling out of my penis, my face covered in her spit and my sperm, laughing at the absurdity of my life.

I had no idea that this would only be the first in a long line of blowjob follies.

One girl I was dating the summer after I graduated high school, let’s call her “Jayne,” had never given head before she started seeing me. Now, my experience has taught me that whenever a girl tells me she “doesn’t normally give head,” she inevitably ends up giving me an incredible blow job.

It’s the ones who say they never do it that do it the best, but Jayne was the exception. She was the absolute worst I’ve ever experienced, or even heard of, at fellatio. Teeth everywhere, no rhythm, no enthusiasm, nothing, but I was patient with her because she was stunningly beautiful and I was too young to know better. It took a month of painstaking instruction before she was good enough that I didn’t stop her after 5 minutes to just jack myself off --she was that bad (she was also the first girl I ever went down on, and to be honest, I was awful on her too. But at least I never BIT her clit).

After another month or so, she got good enough that she could at least come close to finishing me off by herself, but she never moved her head. She kept her head still and I would move my hips, which was kinda annoying. One night I was particularly randy, and very enthused with my hip thrusts when I felt a warm, wet sensation on my crotch. I was laying on my back, so I looked down and saw what looked like A LOT of splooge.

This confused me, because I was close to coming, but I didn’t think I had actually achieved orgasm. It felt warm on my crotch, but when I reached down to touch it, the come was chunky and dark, and much more viscous than any semen that I’ve ever seen shot out of my dick. The only thing I could think was that she had given me some crazy hybrid VD that made my come all thick and chunky. My mind was racing; I couldn’t figure out what else could be wrong, so I said, “What did you do to my dick?”

She looked up at me, I saw the expression on her face, and immediately figured out what happened:

“Oh my god--did you just throw up on my dick? Did you just VOMIT ON MY FUCKING DICK?”

Yes, yes she did. I ended up dated her for another two years (beauty does strange things to the male mind), but she stopped going down on me and we just focused on vaginal sex from that point forward.

The next incident was a few years later, in college, right after I had discovered the art of coming on a girls face. I discovered this while dating a yound girl who loved me, and hated her daddy, so coming on her face was quite acceptable to her.

One time, as my climax approached, I moved her onto her back and pulled out just in time, covering her face with a solid 6 roper. Being the neophyte, I had no idea how to aim, and accidentally shot the first, and strongest, rope right in her eye. As I finished and collapsed, very happy with myself and proud of my prodigious paint job, I noticed the look of agony and pain on her face.

“Baby, are you OK? What’s wrong?”
“I...I can’t see...Jesus, it hurts...it’s burning.”

I helped her scoop most of it out of her eye socket, and, both of us still naked and sweaty, I led her into the bathroom, where she washed her eye out for a good five minutes.

Apparently semen does not agree with the eye. I called her “Red Eye” for the next few hours, until she got mad and refused to ever give me head again. Then I apologized profusely. She forgave me until she realized that she had ejaculate in her hair, and had to wash it three times before she got it all out. Needless to say, there were no more facials for her. After that, she greedily swallowed every bit like a nun taking communion.

One time when I was visiting some friends and family in DC I went out drinking and ended up going home with a girl. I’ll be honest: This girl was not attractive, but she was so into me that it was hard to turn her down. Plus, she had that look about her; that “I may not be hot but I can suck like a Thai transsexual” look. She just gave off a blowjob vibe.

I was pretty drunk when we got back to her place, and she went to work immediately. We didn’t even make it to the bedroom; she grabbed me right as we came in the door, undid my pants and sat me on her white sofa as she kneeled on ground and went to work on me.

My god I was right: She blew me away, literally and figuratively. She must have spent at least 20 minutes fellating me, never taking her mouth off my penis. She was so good I even broke into a sweat.

As soon as she finished, she went to the bathroom to wash out her mouth, and I stood up to rifle through my pants pocket and get a condom (for sex) when I saw the sofa: There was a HUGE skid mark very prominently positioned on her WHITE sofa.

I laughed at first. Then I remembered that she drove me to her place and she lived a good 30 minutes away from my friends place. Right as the thought of having to hitchhike 45 miles walked through my mind, she appeared out of the bathroom. Fuck.

Thinking fast, I put my pants on the sofa and romantically whisked her away into her bedroom, where I fucked her at least 3 or 4 times until she finally went to sleep. Once she was safely out, I snuck out of her room, got my pants, flipped the cushion, and went back to bed.

I wonder how long it was until the smell got to her.

That was back when I was young and cared about things like feelings and emotions. As I grew older and more jaded, I realized that I could be an asshole and get away with it, so I became more risky with my blowjob activities.

One time I was with a girl, we’ll call her “Betty.” She lived in a house with three other girls, but they were all out, so we were hooking up in her living room. Betty was a master of her craft, and loved to go down on me especially. She was hitting the crescendo of her well-conducted symphony of nob-slobbing, and right before I felt myself let loose into her mouth, the door to her house opened.

Her roommate was barely in the door when she saw Betty on her knees sucking me off like there was gold on the line. Betty, lips still wrapped firmly around my penis, heard the noise and looked up. Momentarily the eyes of the two roommates locked, one walking in the door, the other with my dick in her mouth. At that exact moment in time, two things happened simultaneously:

-I shot my load into Betty’s mouth.
-The roommate screamed and ran back out the door, pushing the guy she was with out in front of her.

I had not come for about three days before this encounter (that is a whole other story), and thus I had a Peter North sized 8 roper waiting for her. This did not sit well with Betty, especially because she was not expecting it.

Betty tried to take the porn star load, but it was just too much. She was not ready and still trying to process the fact that her roommate saw her sucking dick, so she started choking. Not coughing or a slight choke--the bitch was turning red and dying right in front of me, with my seed as the instrument of death.

I was unsure of what to do; I’d never seen a girl literally choke on dick before. I though that only happened in rap songs. After about five seconds of watching her retch, the words from the Too Short song “Blowjob Betty” rang through my head, “A young girl died just last night, she choked on sperm in her windpipe...” So I did the only thing I could think of: I gave her the Heimlich Maneuver.

I grabbed her around her chest just below her breasts and pulled my fists into her ribcage with all my force. After about three times she heaved, coughed my splooge all over her couch and started yelling at me, “STOP IT! [cough] YOU’RE HURTING ME ASSHOLE! [cough] STOP!”

I ended up having to take her to the hospital. Not for asphyxiation--she wasn’t choking after all, the come just surprised her and got in her nose. Nope...I had succeeded in breaking one of her ribs in my enthusiasm to save her life.

We never could get back the old magic after that night. It might have been due her difficulty with breathing for the next two months. [The one highlight of the night was at the ER when the doctor told me that I did a very good with the Heimlich, because you are actually supposed to break a rib if you do it right.]

These are all funny, but karma being the bitch that she is, my activities eventually caught up with me. This happened the summer before I started law school, with a girl I was seeing in Miami, we’ll call her “Courtney.”

She was incredibly hot, one of those girls you have a physical reaction too as soon as you see her. One time we were fucking doggy style, incredible sex, and right as I was about to come I pulled back too far and my dick came out. I thrust forward again, and instead of going back into her vagina, it stuck in her ass crack (NOT into her asshole, but her crack, between her butt cheeks). I was leaning over her, my face right above the back of her head, and I looked down at my dick right as I hit climax, and I shot nut...INTO MY OWN EYE.

A direct hit, right in my wide-open eye. I didn’t even see it coming...literally.

Almost immediately, I had a personal appreciation for how much it stings. That shit BURNED. It took me a minute to wash it out, but the sting, and the redness, stayed for a good 4 or 5 hours. Fuck you karma.

Even after all of this, I still love good fellatio. There is really nothing like a great blow job. What could be better than getting off without effort? I can watch the girl please me, catch tidbits of SportsCenter, and have both hands free to play with her breasts, catch up on my knitting, whatever I want.

I’ll take that every time, thank you, even with the occasional sperm in the eye. So I guess this is a rave.

[BTW--Any girls want to give me head? I have a fairly averaged sized penis, but every girl has told me my semen is tasty, or at the least not distasteful. And seriously, if you are ever the type of girl who has talked all kinds of shit about how intelligence turns you on, you should be wet right now. Just email me. And be willing to come to Chicago. Plus I'm even funnier in person.]




it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
this is in or around Chicago

http://newyork.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/57941224.html

645 / br - small 2 bedroom to share
Reply to: anon-57941224@craigslist.org
Date: Tue Feb 01 07:08:00 2005


Hello,

I am looking to share my small 2 bedroom apartment in the east village. I've gone through several roomates in the past 6 months so I have to be upfront about my living situation. There are several guidelines to living in this apartment. I guess I'm a bit quirky which I never realized until living with people outside my family. IF you think you can live with this arrangement then please contact me. I am givng you a good deal finacially as the apartment actually costs $2000 a month but I am charging you only $645.

1) I have a cat so if you are allergic please don't inquire. He is a very nice cat named General Tso.

2) I keep the floors extremely clean, so clean that you can eat off of them, which is actually what I do. I have a thing about plates and utensils. I eat 2 well cooked fried eggs off of a small tile in the middle of the living room with chopsticks every evening at 7:15 PM. You cannot touch my chopsticks.

3) My mother stops by twice a week and yells at me for an hour or so and sobs about her only son being gay. I'm actually not gay I just don't date a lot. She doesn't get this. She is harmless though but may pinch your cheeks when she see's you.

7) I sometimes come home reeking of fish. Please don't ask me about this.

5) I hum a lot, sometimes for hours. It's not usually loud but if I am in the living room brushing General Tso and I'm humming, it may get to you and you would have to go into your room.

6) I have a sequencing disorder which means I get numbers mixed up and sometimes words. I will on occasion type a sentence into my computer and run a special grammer and spelling check on it before actually speaking to you. This takes time and can try one's patience.

8) I like to talk sometimes. At other times I will ask you to not speak to me for days at a time. Please stop talking to me when I ask you this.

9) Everything in the fridge is labeled. There are various names on all of the food but be assured they all belong to me. You can have one shelf in the fridge but no more. I will ask you to label all of your food "Mortimer". I will never eat Mortimer's food.

That is all. I wanted to make a list of 10 things but I think I fell one short, oh well. Some people say I'm difficult to live with. I don't have a criminal record and have never raised my voice except when the General tries to eat my eggs. I will not stand by your bed at night wearing a chicken costume. I also will not put hot sauce into your toothpaste tube while you sleep. I promise.

I need the first month's rent upfront. Please send me some information about yourself if you think you can live with me.

name:

age:

sexual identification:

age:

favorite kitchen utensil/appliance:

email:

2 good qualities about yourself:

1 bad quality about yourself:

Thank you.


Thurber Milford Finkelstein


Map: 4th street and 1st ave
this is in or around East Village
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests