God told me if I made one more completely unnecessary dick joke that he'd doom me to being the sexual toy of Seagal.
I said "Ummm... far as I know he's straight God."
God looked at me with his Jewish nipples and said "I can make him want you."
That's when I learned you don't fuck with God. Motherfucker is unhinged.
Dude, of course he's unhinged! First he asks his groupies to go kill a metric fuckton of Spaniards, then he apparently buried some large golden tablets somewhere and then took a stroll to get a beer at the Westboro Baptist Church, where he proceeded to get drunk and claim we're all going to hell because of EVERYTHING.