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[Always-honest]

The "if you care you're an insecure asshole" brigade need to get down of their own fuckin high horses.

Sex means different things to different people and the number of sexual partners a person has had says something about their own attitudes towards sex.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with desiring a partner who shares your values and to suggest otherwise is ignorant and rude.

I know it's fashionable to exhibit a laissez faire attitude towards all things sex when talking anonymously online but everyone has their own boundaries within which they're comfortable operating.

My personal gripe is just with the ridiculous Loose Goose Theory and double standards. That shit needs to go imo.

I agree that people will exhibit either a more Laissez faire attitude or a more extreme attitude when they are anonymously online.

Partners who share eachothers values are a good match. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[THRILLH0]

Are you really going to care if your partner had 20 sex partners in her early 20's when you are 45? Aren't you kind of 'all-in' at that point and over all this macho bullshit?

It's not about being macho at all and I previously said it wouldn't be an issue in the marriage.

However it's perfectly acceptable for someone to hold the attitude that sex is something to be shared between 2 people in a loving committed relationship.

Is it reasonable to expect your partner to only have experienced that sort of relationship with you alone? Probably not. 20 times in 4 years? I'd say it would be fair to not be thrilled by the prospect.

My personal gripe is just with the ridiculous Loose Goose Theory and double standards. That shit needs to go imo.

I agree that people will exhibit either a more Laissez faire attitude or a more extreme attitude when they are anonymously online.

Partners who share eachothers values are a good match. Nothing wrong with that.

Cool, no argument with that at all.

 

[SquiddyCracker]

I'm sure the conversation has evolved/devolved, but to answer the OP's question:

don't give a fuck.

Unless we're talking STDs, I assume they've been with someone before me. So what's the difference between 1 and 20?

I've been with 10+ and I'm not the greatest playboy so this really seems like it's not as "scandalous" as its made out to be.

You're a playboy Boco!
The average is only 4 (in a lifetime).

 

[News Bot]

You know what? This question is boring.

What if after 20 years, your wife revealed to you she once had sex with a dog? You can add multiple dogs if one dog isn't enough. You can also change the animal to any medium size mammal.

This sort of happened to me, though I never had sex with her and she wasn't my girlfriend or wife.

 

[hypostasis]

We shall have to discuss this over brunch.

Indubitably.

 

[THRILLH0]

This sort of happened to me.

Did the "posting in a legendary thread" thing get banned?

 

[PorcellainThrill]

I know it's fashionable to exhibit a laissez faire attitude towards all things sex when talking anonymously online but everyone has their own boundaries within which they're comfortable operating.

Exactly, so how about you stop judging women for their number of sexual partners?

 

[RDreamer]

The "if you care you're an insecure asshole" brigade need to get down of their own fuckin high horses.

Sex means different things to different people and the number of sexual partners a person has had says something about their own attitudes towards sex.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with desiring a partner who shares your values and to suggest otherwise is ignorant and rude.

I know it's fashionable to exhibit a laissez faire attitude towards all things sex when talking anonymously online but everyone has their own boundaries within which they're comfortable operating.

If you care after 20 years of marriage to this girl then you are indeed an insecure asshole. I could sort of see wanting "shared values" on sex when you first meet someone, but if the number of guys she fucked in college matters after 20 years, then you're the one on the high horse. It's obvious she shared enough of your values for that time to stay married, so what changes with your knowledge of her past?

I still don't really understand too much why it matters immediately either, but whatever. If you both have the same understanding of the relationship and exclusivity, and she's clean, then I still don't see much why it matters what she did before you.

 

[Narolf]

Honestly, the only "insecurity" I see here is why it took so long for them to get to talk about their antecedents, be it for sex or love.

 

[THRILLH0]

Exactly, so how about you stop judging people for their lifestyle?

Don't be ridiculous. Wanting your life partner to share your values is passing judgement now?

 

[Omegasquash]

It's not a big deal. My wife slept with more than twice the people that I have. She's an attractive woman, and was just as fine then, if only younger. Doesn't bother me, and we shared each others track records early on. She knows what I've done, I know what she did and it's not a bad thing. Females like sex too, and (flameshield) they can get it easier than guys can.

Hell I'd rather my wife had played the field a little before settling with me. We've got a family member that just left her husband and 1.5 y/o because they were high school sweethearts, she's climbing the career ladder and hasn't done anything else. I don't blame her for wanting to learn, but I think she's an idiot for not going out and finding out what she wanted as opposed to settling and being borderline abusive to her husband.

Edit: More to the topic...if she told me 20 years later, I'd ask her why it took her so long. Obviously the question of VD's is off the table (I hope), and I'd wonder what else she hasn't told me but whatever. She fucked some people and didn't tell me about it. At least she didn't do it behind my back.

 

[Oppo]

I still don't really understand too much why it matters immediately either, but whatever. If you both have the same understanding of the relationship and exclusivity, and she's clean, then I still don't see much why it matters what she did before you.

I agree with you. Intellectually. But I can see how people would balk a bit.

It recently came to light that an acquaintance of mine has a wife that basically had this situation described in the OP, magnified. The term "hundreds" was used (the wife, pre-marriage). That would definitely freak me out a little bit, I have to admit, learning that.

 

[Keen]

I'd probably ask why so few.

 

[SquiddyCracker]

Don't be ridiculous. Wanting your life partner to share your values is passing judgement now?

Clearly, if you haven't noticed something being wrong after 20 years then you do share the same values.
You might have not done so in the past when she had sex with 20 guys, but you certainly are now.

 

[RDreamer]

I agree with you. Intellectually. But I can see how people would balk a bit.

It recently came to light that an acquaintance of mine has a wife that basically had this situation described in the OP, magnified. The term "hundreds" was used (the wife, pre-marriage). That would definitely freak me out a little bit, I have to admit, learning that.

That might be kind of flattering, lol. After hundreds of guys she settled on that guy!

The only thing that would be weird for me is that they didn't disclose that beforehand, but given the responses in this thread I guess I could forgive that.

Don't be ridiculous. Wanting your life partner to share your values is passing judgement now?

Yes? I mean you're free do do it, but be honest with yourself and us. You are passing judgement.

 

[ToxicAdam]

It's not about being macho at all and I previously said it wouldn't be an issue in the marriage.

However it's perfectly acceptable for someone to hold the attitude that sex is something to be shared between 2 people in a loving committed relationship.

But, if that person has been committed to you for 20 years at that point ... haven't they already displayed that they have changed and feel the same way? So, why should you be upset (or 'not thrilled') of things done in their far, far past?

 

[Omegasquash]

But, if that person has been committed to you for 20 years at that point ... haven't they already displayed that they have changed and feel the same way? So, why should you be upset (or 'not thrilled') of things done in their far, far past?

Opportunity to find out if there are some moves she wants done to her/have her do to you is reason to be OK with that, IMO.

 

[Narolf]

Edit: More to the topic...if she told me 20 years later, I'd ask her why it took her so long. Obviously the question of VD's is off the table (I hope), and I'd wonder what else she hasn't told me but whatever. She fucked some people and didn't tell me about it. At least she didn't do it behind my back.

About that... would like to bring the "love versus sex" issue back to the table. If she cheated on you, admitted it but ultimately said she still loves you, would you be fine with it? And would you ask her to stop looking for other partners?

 

[dragonelite]

I would probably joke and said dam i need to sleep with 15 more woman to break even.

 

[Always-honest]

I would probably joke and said dam i need to sleep with 15 more woman to break even.

that's a pretty good one

 

[BGBW]

(Avatar quote.)

Seems as though you were pretty bad at it.

MJ bad right.
I remembered the name. Curveball.

 

[Jburton]

As far as I am concerned it really comes down to the individual. We all have an internal set of morals, the combination of which can be pretty unique and they set us apart from others.

I do not believe you should go around judging strangers, whose lifestyle bears no effect upon you .......... but your morals and how they influence what you deem as an acceptable in terms of friends and partners means that you judge them and whether or not they are compatible.


It is something we all do.


If your wife fucked 20 guys and it does not sit well with you in terms of your moral code / acceptable standards then you are obviously going to have a difficult reconciling this new fact.


The fact that most women would withhold this information from potential mates speaks volumes about how it offend a very large majority of men.


Some guys won't care, some guys will ....... it really comes down to the individual and the standards they hold, and you can not blame them for that.

 

[RDreamer]

The fact that most women would withhold this information from potential mates speaks volumes about how it offend a very large majority of men.

The volumes it speaks is how judgmental about female sexuality a lot of males are.

Some guys won't care, some guys will ....... it really comes down to the individual and the standards they hold, and you can not blame them for that.

And you're giving them cover to continue to be judgmental by throwing your hands up and saying "Welp, can't blame them for the lopsided standards society places on women!"

 

[Omegasquash]

About that... would like to bring the "love versus sex" issue back to the table. If she cheated on you, admitted it but ultimately said she still loves you, would you be fine with it?

I'd have health/hygiene questions, and they can get pretty gritty. VD (at least the risk thereof) is one. And then there are much darker ones (forgive me, but my head goes there), like:

1) Did she kiss me after blowing a dude to completion?
2) Did she choose sex with another person actively over me knowing that I view my role in sex as pleasing her first? (i.e. was it just about different dick)
3) Did she do it in our bed?
4) Did I have to take on more responsibility around the house (mind the kids, chores, etc) thinking I was helping her when in fact she was just stepping out?
5) Is this something she would do again without telling me first?

I'm sure I could come up with others, but hopefully that gives you an idea. It really depends on why/how she stepped out. A relationship that I want is about communication, sharing and trust, not just one partner sex. It's the lack of trust on the out-steppers part that would lead to her not telling me, and that would hurt WAY more than some simple fucking.

Fucking is fun, and variety spices that shit up. I'd prefer that it was me providing that spice, and as a team, I think it first needs to be agreed on before financial commitments are committed to, and that the chance to be that source should be given to the spouse first.

Cheating hurts other people, but we're all human with very basic human wants, desires and needs.

 

[Petrie]

And you're giving them cover to continue to be judgmental by throwing your hands up and saying "Welp, can't blame them for the lopsided standards society places on women!"

How is it lopsided if you have the same standards for yourself? This isn't about society, it is about 2 people and their individual views.

 

[Byakuya769]

Exactly, so how about you stop judging people for their lifestyle?

The act of finding a "compatible" partner is all about judging people for their lifestyle. Need a stool to get off that high horse?

 

[RDreamer]

How is it lopsided if you have the same standards for yourself? This isn't about society, it is about 2 people and their individual views.

Because:

The fact that most women would withhold this information from potential mates speaks volumes about how it offend a very large majority of men.

His justification that it's a-ok to be judgmental is that women withhold it because it offends a large majority of men.

 

[jufonuk]

I am in the same situation my GF has had a lot of experience, I have not, but you know what fuck it I dont care she is with me I am with her. the past is the past. what she got up to when we are not together it is history. all I care about is how me and her get on in our future together.

 

[Jburton]

Because:





His justification that it's a-ok to be judgmental is that women withhold it because it offends a large majority of men.

I believe every individual has a right to pick and choose, to choose what they like and what they don't like, what they want and what they don't want.

I do not believe that they should inflict their individual moral code upon the world at large, to diminish an individual or a group, especially when it has no bearing upon themselves.



When it comes to a relationship between two people then they must be compatible.

Obviously if someone's lifestyle / choices / personal moral code is not compatible / offends the other person then you will have an issue.



I would not have a relationship with someone who is / was promiscuous, that is my own personal standard.


I do not go around hating on or judging women at large, their lifestyle choices have fuck all to do with me .......... but if we are about to enter a potential relationship then and only then does it become a matter of concern to me.



Also my point that you quoted was not to provide justification for mass judgement of women at large but that it is a concern for many men when they are going to potentially take up a new relationship and women are aware of this.

 

[Omegasquash]

I am in the same situation my GF has had a lot of experience, I have not, but you know what fuck it I dont care she is with me I am with her. the past is the past. what she got up to when we are not together it is history. all I care about is how me and her get on in our future together.

An experienced woman is VASTLY better than one without, IMO. I've made love with both, and had good rolls in the hay with both and I've gotta tellya...

A woman that knows her way around a dude can knock a pair of socks clean off. If she perfected "that move" on someone else, fantastic...I'm reaping the rewards.

 

[ZaCH3000]

I believe every individual has a right to pick and choose, to choose what they like and what they don't like, what they want and what they don't want.

I do not believe that they should inflict their individual moral code upon the world at large, to diminish an individual or a group, especially when it has no bearing upon themselves.



When it comes to a relationship between two people then they must be compatible.

Obviously if someone's lifestyle / choices / personal moral code is not compatible / offends the other person then you will have an issue.



I would not have a relationship with someone who is / was promiscuous, that is my own personal standard.



I do not go around hating on or judging women at large, their lifestyle choices have fuck all to do with me .......... but if we are about to enter a potential relationship then and only then does it become a matter of concern to me.



Also my point that you quoted was not to provide justification for mass judgement of women at large but that it is a concern for many men when they are going to potentially take up a new relationship and women are aware of this.

If only everyone would put forth an effort to articulate it as well as you did. That is why there is outrage in this thread. It is also why this thread is still alive. Outrage is entertaining.

Having an opinion is fine. Acting like an ass about it isn't fine.

 

[Narolf]

MJ bad right.

I'm sure I could come up with others, but hopefully that gives you an idea. It really depends on why/how she stepped out. A relationship that I want is about communication, sharing and trust, not just one partner sex. It's the lack of trust on the out-steppers part that would lead to her not telling me, and that would hurt WAY more than some simple fucking.

It does. Thanks for the thorough input!

 

[genjiZERO]

I think it's a lot. Even if you don't it's a lot in a short period of time. I think it shows a lack of both moderation and self restraint. I'm even-handed though, girl or guy I'd think of both as dirty sluts.

 

[PorcellainThrill]

The act of finding a "compatible" partner is all about judging people for their lifestyle. Need a stool to get off that high horse?

Of course,
however some standards of judgement are plain sexist.
I didn't mean it in general but in the context of this thread, specifically what I replied to.

I still might edit the post, as it really can cause a misunderstanding.

 

[ZaCH3000]

I think it's a lot. Even if you don't it's a lot in a short period of time. I think it shows a lack of both moderation and self restraint. I'm even-handed though, girl or guy I'd think of both as dirty sluts.

I'd argue it isn't self-restraint because I suffer from a lack of self-restraint and fully understand its implications. You have a valid opinion otherwise.

 

[genjiZERO]

I'd argue it isn't self-restraint because I suffer from a lack of self-restraint and fully understand its implications. You have a valid opinion otherwise.

Maybe I should say it can show of a lack of self-restraint.

 

[jufonuk]

An experienced woman is VASTLY better than one without, IMO. I've made love with both, and had good rolls in the hay with both and I've gotta tellya...

A woman that knows her way around a dude can knock a pair of socks clean off. If she perfected "that move" on someone else, fantastic...I'm reaping the rewards.

me too, plus if I am not getting any complaints, I must be doing allright so it's win win and it's all good

also I am emotionally mature enough to handle such things so its good

 

[Jburton]

If only everyone would put forth an effort to articulate it as well as you did. That is why there is outrage in this thread. It is also why this thread is still alive. Outrage is entertaining.

Having an opinion is fine. Acting like an ass about it isn't fine.

Exactly ........ some people like to offend and some people like to be offended.

 

[Omegasquash]

It does. Thanks for the thorough input!

Any time!

 

[Byakuya769]

Of course,
however some standards of judgement are plain sexist.
I didn't mean it in general but in the context of this thread, specifically what I replied to.

I still might edit the post, as it really can cause a misunderstanding.

Maybe the OP does make this fair since it's "if your wife..." and not "if your spouse...", but I at least read Ashep as saying a person has those standards for themselves and their partners. Not just women can't have x amount of partners (which has be suggested by a few in the thread, but I think that's the vast minority who have posted any reservations). Definitely call out people who are posting double standards, stupid comments about stretching, or using sexist descriptors, but not everyone is operating like that.

 

[LosDaddie]

After 20yrs of marriage, who gives a shit. At worst, you'd already know if you if she was unfaithful & had STDs long ago.

I think it's a lot. Even if you don't it's a lot in a short period of time. I think it shows a lack of both moderation and self restraint. I'm even-handed though, girl or guy I'd think of both as dirty sluts.

AGreed.

 

[mrklaw]

'did you learn any cool tricks?'

 

[fanboi]

Math is always fun!

If the average penis was 18 cm (condition: Hard) a girl who has sleept with 20 dudes would have had 3,6 meter of dick inside of her.

 

[RDreamer]

When it comes to a relationship between two people then they must be compatible.

Sure, but you're talking about what someone did in the past. What does that have to do with being compatible? What if she was different and didn't accept her old life, even? We've all done things we regret, but because in the past she did something then suddenly in the present you're incompatible?

I do not go around hating on or judging women at large, their lifestyle choices have fuck all to do with me .......... but if we are about to enter a potential relationship then and only then does it become a matter of concern to me.

What, precisely, is the concern, exactly? If she's clean and if you have the same understanding of the relationship going forward about exclusivity, etc, what are you concerned about?

Also my point that you quoted was not to provide justification for mass judgement of women at large but that it is a concern for many men when they are going to potentially take up a new relationship and women are aware of this.

That "concern" many men have is that they're judgmental pricks, and yeah many women are aware of the double standard society has.

 

[Funky Papa]

Math is always fun!

If the average penis was 18 cm (condition: Hard) a girl who has sleept with 20 dudes would have had 3,6 meter of dick inside of her.

WELL

 

[Feature]

I'd leave her right away and if we had kids would leave them too because they would probably not be mine.

 

[Dark Octave]

I'd leave her right away and if we had kids would leave them too because they would probably not be mine.

Brofist?

Brofist.

Spoiler

nah foreal though, I said "GOD DAMN!"

 

[Oppo]

You're a playboy Boco!
The average is only 4 (in a lifetime).

What. That cannot be right, can it??? Where'd you read that?

 

[fanboi]

Actually, my gf has sleept with more girls then me.

God damn, I'm such a looser.

 

[RDreamer]

I'd leave her right away and if we had kids would leave them too because they would probably not be mine.

Hope this is a joke.