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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #157 - "Abdication"

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M

Mike M

Nick N
Valerie Cherish said:
I have no idea how to password protect this and I've given up googling.
Click to expand...

You need to set a password when you actually save it as a PDF. A lot of word processors will let you save to PDF, but you need something like a full version of Acrobat or PrimoPDF or something similar to set a password on it.
 
V

Valerie Cherish

Member
Mike M said:
You need to set a password when you actually save it as a PDF. A lot of word processors will let you save to PDF, but you need something like a full version of Acrobat or PrimoPDF or something similar to set a password on it.
Click to expand...

Damn, that's what I thought. I'll dig around for something for the next challenge then. I was hoping Google Drive would let me do that when saving as a PDF, but I didn't see an option for it at the time.

Thanks Mike.
 
S

Sober

Member
Valerie Cherish said:
Damn, that's what I thought. I'll dig around for something for the next challenge then. I was hoping Google Drive would let me do that when saving as a PDF, but I didn't see an option for it at the time.

Thanks Mike.
Click to expand...
Cyan lists PrimoPDF in the FAQ, the free version is enough to password PDFs.
 
F

FlowersisBritish

fleurs n'est pas britannique
haha hope you guys are ready for a rough draft. How much I edit is in direct correlation to if I can get these god damn screws into this god damn futon
 
V

Valerie Cherish

Member
Thanks Sober and Mike. I think I forgot somewhere along the way that something like Microsoft Word was used to print to PDF and then you can do all this stuff. Anyway, password-protected now (Sorry Evilore) and the link is updated.
 
T

Tangent

Member
"The Damage is Done" Sorry Cyan. I have a disclaimer with this one.
It's not that I can't write about anything other than talking woodland creatures. I swear! It was a friend who told me to write this story and I'm too brain-fried right now to think of anything else! Plus the way the story was suggested made it sound genius. Execution is another matter. And the whole bit about the name obsession was also a suggestion that sounded good too, in theory. Now I sleep.
 
N

Nezumi

Member
Three hours of sleep and I need to get this story and the homework for the workshop done in less than five hours. I really need to reconsider my time-management...
 
N

Nezumi

Member
Cyan said:
Just do a really short one. :)
Click to expand...

Oh, I will! I already now what I want to write for the challenge. The homework on the other hand... I've been pacing around my apartment like a caged tiger for almost an hour now trying to come up with ideas.
 
C

Cyan

Banned
M

Mike M

Nick N
Tangent said:
"The Damage is Done"
Click to expand...
*Capitalized genus and species name.*
post-9740-Jon-Stewart-shakes-head-gif-OHU5.gif
 
M

Mike M

Nick N
Votes:

1. Croll
2. ZeroRay
3. Ashes

Feedback:

Mike M: While I wouldn’t say it was perfect by any means, I was more or less pleased with the way this turned out. Started off with the title “A Blame of Thrones,” which evolved from the notion of a GoT parody to the idea of nobody wanting to take the crown, and then I threw in a bunch of bird stuff which made the typo in the title thematically convenient (Tower King was killed by a crow, “Corvus” is the genus of crows, the Scholar King metaphorically ate crow), so I kept it. I apologize for the unwieldy names, they’re all based on families and genuses of birds, but plans to incorporate features of the birds into the people got stripped to practically nothing (Earl of Corvus is wearing black, Strigif was supposed to be owl-like, but wound up with nothing but a mention of wearing spectacles, Pheucticus is a genus of cardinals and was supposed to be wearing red, Cathartid was derived from a family of vultures, Harpia and Gerano from harpy eagles and hawks respectively). Punchline is not quiiiiite as strong as I would have liked, but I never could come up with anything better : /

karenq0506: I think my biggest problem with this one is that the opening paragraph pitches that Grandfather Wishmonger was “the first real estate mogul,” but then as you get a little further in, it is revealed to take place in modern times (I’m guessing that given that Marcel was from a wealthy Louisiana reality TV show “dynasty” family that it was a dig at Duck Dynasty? I’ve never actually seen an episode to know who they were or hear their accents). I’m pretty sure that “real estate moguls” have been around in some form or another since the advent of property ownership by people other than the nobility. The fate of Felicity and Grandfather had kind of a Roald Dahl vibe to it to me, a life-altering tragedy that is mentioned almost in passing. The ending was decidedly too open ended for my tastes, as I couldn’t find a way to read it that didn’t make it seem like the opening for a longer story.

Valerie Cherish: All I know about Japanese dialogue comes from video games and the subtitles of the occasional anime, so I may be off base in this, but the dialogue in this did not come across as being very authentic to me. Colloquialisms and idioms like “having a good run” and “you know the deal” just seem out of place in the conversation of the Japanese imperial family, even if it is being done by teenagers in an informal manner. I think what I’m missing in this is the clear motivation for the emperors to be so eager to immediately pass off the title to the next in line as soon as they come of age, ensuring that the empire is ruled by children in perpetuity. Yuki’s brother tells him how great everything is when you have the wealth and power of the office but none of the responsibility, but I never got a clear impression as to why Yuki couldn’t have the same experience even *with* the title.

Tangent: Focusing on Bernard from the outset seems an odd choice in retrospect since Nuts turned out to be the actual main character of the story. Seemed like a lot of effort to set up a Colonel Sanders joke : P There was also a line where you said that the *squirrels* were poisonous (as opposed to acorns), which required me to reread it a few times to understand that it was (presumably) a typo. The ending left me a bit confused, as it turned out that the acorns were poisonous, despite the fact that squirrels eat acorns every day? So what had they been eating before hand? At first I thought the chipmunks had gotten one over on them and poisoned them, but you also mentioned chipmunks keeling over dead as well, so now I don’t know what’s happening. Did Nuts lock them up in some sort of poison container that I didn’t get from reading stuff from the perspective of squirrels?

Dresden: The time bullet thing was an interesting concept (even though it’s right out of Final Crisis). I kind of wish we’d spent more time exploring that concept than a long screed of Ross being the brother of Moss who was really angry at the king. The whole thing seemed like some sort of fever dream drug trip, like reading something by Philip K. Dick.

Ashes: Man, I don’t even know what to tell you anymore. You’re remarkably consistent in your style and subject matter, and yet you still find ways to make it a compelling read. I don’t think there’s anything I can say that I haven’t already told you.
I’ve probably already told you this much before, even.

FlowersisBritish: Hm, has there ever been an instance of a political figure committing suicide after failing to be reelected? Seems like it would be fertile ground for a story that’s longer than this. I don’t think I ever got deep enough into LaBook’s head to understand the motives for his actions, we spent most of the walk to the river indulging in physical descriptions of the surrounding without much insight into his emotional state outside mentioning apathy about things.

Sober: I found myself bemused that the captain’s biggest concern about shooting people was the mess it would make, and not the fact that they’re firing ballistic weapons in an enclosed space and risking a hull breach. The whole thing seemed to be caught between the horns on being farcical and being suspenseful. Despite the captain, engineer, and passengers being locked up and the ship hijacked, most of the characters seem more moderately annoyed than in fear for their lives over the situation. No one seemed particularly bright, so I guess it makes a sort of sense that they ship could be taken and retaken so easily since no one seems to bother to properly secure their captives.

Cyan: I feel that you, perhaps more than anyone, got sandbagged by the secondary objective. A solid enough story and all, but “The Simplifier” just doesn’t lend itself as a threatening title or identity. Even in the end, when she turned out not to be a killer for hire, it just seemed a strange title to be known by, especially since she was the Queen and everything. You’d think they’d be out there looking for Queen Such-and-Such, not some anonymous nickname of the world’s most efficient bureaucrat.

Croll: The punctuation was a total mess on this one. Missing commas, incorrect dialogue punctuation, but I’m giving you the win on this one anyway and I’ll tell you why: First, I thought your implementation of the secondary objective was brilliant outside-of-the box thinking. Second, I appreciate the pun of the actual title being “Untitled” in relation to the material of the story rather than it being an actual untitled entry. Third, I thought (punctuation issues aside), your dialogue was a droll and hilariously dry treatment of the subject matter. The punchline wasn’t the strongest in the world (owing to the translation of the idiom to the period language), but it was at least serviceable in ending the story and got a chuckle out of me. This was one of the instances where the bonus points for being clever really elevated something for me.

GorillaWithDandruff: I thought this was solid, if brief and open to interpretation. I’m inclined to believe that the mother was telling the truth about carrying a Maud’Dib-esque godchild to term only to have him die before ever taking his first breath, but it’s also an entirely valid interpretation to think that perhaps she was really just insane. Another entry this week that I think would benefit from greater expansion and exploration of the character dynamic between the woman who thought she was to give birth to a god and how her second child could not be anything other than an immense disappointment.

ZeroRay: Your second effort, so you only get second place! : P I enjoyed this one a lot, especially the twist toward the end that I did not see coming at all, and despite my typical distaste of open-ended and ambiguous endings, this is one occasion where I actually prefer not knowing the outcome. Nice work.

Nezumi: Cute, but I can’t feel like it could have been much more. Reads like an expanded summary of the story it’s supposed to be. Can’t help but feel like someone’s going to get fired for such antics : )

Zweizer: I think my issue with this one is that I didn’t quite ever have success in drawing a correlation between Jane’s life and that of a marionette. Even with her revelation to not be like the puppet, she mostly just seemed to make herself more assertive in life. Which is great and admirable and all, but there’s a difference in my view between not being assertive and being a puppet whose strings are being pulled. You kind of smoothed over the distance by pointing out that a puppet is reliant on others to do anything, but the metaphor of someone being a puppet for another is already laden with expectations of more direct manipulations. I get what you were going for, but it didn’t hit the mark for me.
 
Z

Zweizer

Banned
1) Heavy is the Crown (Mike M)
2) The Cardboard Horse (Nezumi)
3) A Hidden Kindness (karenq0506)

Honorable mentions: The Simplifier (Cyan), The Damage is Done (Tangent)
 
L

LaMagenta

Member
Mike M “Heavy is the Crow”- Incredible detail as always. Perhaps the only way to avoid the curse is to find a way in which not one person is in charge; unless everyone dies…

Valerie Cherish “Can’t Hardly Wait”- The use of the 2nd line in the phrase doesn’t make sense “The left side of his jacket hugged his chest and shoulder less than the right; this action was second nature to him.” Some of your sentences were incomplete, making it hard to follow. Having said that, I admire your openness to influence a gay monarch met with much acceptance.

Tangent “The Damage is Done”- Poor cute little woodland creatures. I liked it.

Dresden –“Sic Semper Tyrannis” – Many run-on sentences. Could have helped read smoother if you broke down some sentences. I didn’t like the repetitive use of words, for example face. “…shoot him in the face with a mouthful to convey to his face as his face collapsed…” Having said that, I though the idea of a time bullet is awesome. I would really like to see what stories come out of the use of your time bullet.

Ashes “Castles in the sky”- Beautiful story. What’s the connection to the title?

FlowersisBritish “The river is made of snow and ice”- Very sad story. I bet no one really thought of him a failure.

Sober “Hitchhikers” – Made me think of the story about Captain Richard Phillips. I’m a little confused about Lynette. Who is she and where is she?

Cyan “The Simplifier” – I’m confused about your mc. He/she kept getting referred to by ma’am. Is your mc female or male? Also, was he an advisor to the throne or the king?

Croll “Untitled” – It seems like the father had the last laugh in this one. The young man was truly ignorant to his father’s poking fun at any title he would choose.

GorillaWithDandruff “The Stillborn Tyrant” – Short and to the point. I feel so bad for your mc. His brother would not have been able to fix their world and problems either I bet.

ZeroRay “Dealing Hope, Sowing Lies” – Interesting twist at the end. Good job.

Nezumi “The Cardboard Horse” – Truly short and sweet! Love the horse’s vindication.

Zweizer “A Marionette’s Happiness” – I liked the story behind the nephew and his father, but I have to agree with Mike. The puppet and being more assertive don’t connect.

My Votes:
1. Mike M.
2. FlowersisBritish
3. Nezumi
 
W

Ward

Member
Mike M:
There wasn't enough done to distinguish the players. Perhaps the fault is mine, but recalling physical traits throughout would have helped. It is a fun story, helped by the fact I read that you worked birds into all the naming conventions. Great use of language throughout.

karenq:
A small quibble, but much should be many. Many billions, much wealth. Struck me as odd. I'd rearrange the first sentence to start as "An elite family from London" or "Making many of their billions from..."
Spunk is one of those words that always sounds dirty.
Experience his experiences... encounter?
It's a lot of exposition, and a story to capture who grandpa is would help. I want to like grandpa, but I hardly know him. Don't tell me, show me.
It was English he questioned.
Reading 'national reality show' sent me back to the top because I was picturing a time period much older. The line feels like a throw away as it has no bearing on anything.
I'd like to see action man named properly. It could add depth to Reg.
A great payoff, though the last sentence is unnecessary. As a whole, it's underdeveloped.

valerie cherish:
Nice hook and tone. Distinguishing characters became a bit difficult. The characters should be developed more. I wanted something more from the end.

tangent:
Cannibalistic squirrels! It's a cute tale. Fluffytail could be cut completely as he doesn't have anything to do with the crux of the story. The intro could focus on Gil.
I'll go with the fact that a squirrel somehow believes acorns are poisonous (or mixes it up with them being poisonous to humans), despite the fact he is computer savvy, has a squirrel size welder, and is part of a species that has lived on acorns for years. Ok, so acorns are indeed poison to squirrels. I didn't see that coming. I guess the joke is on me as I don't get it.

dresden:
It doesn't start exactly grounded, but that's not bad. I like the time bullet concept. This is a great introduction but that's it. I'm introduced to an awesome object but don't get to see the impact.

ashes:
I'd like a better hook. It starts like something I've read before. Too swift a conclusion. I was looking for an analytical slice of life type thing, and that had me quite curious.

flowerisbritish:
A half ripped tack? Shards of paper tacked to the wall? It's a downer story that plods a few steps too many. You hint at what happened, but without giving it away I don't know if LaBook is just overreacting. I like the sentiment of your last paragraph, but while you devoted a lot of time to set up, very little time is spent on the payoff.
I like the intro, you really need to delve into why LaBook is down. Without that, there is no story. You have a great concluding sentence, but you need a concluding paragraph or two.

sober:
I assumed with a spaceship, it was some kind of laser gun or the like. I would have liked an explanation, but if it's got a hammer, that makes it dated for space use doesn't it?
The story is cookie cutter. It's nice but lacks depth. Back story for the characters, descriptions of the ship would have helped flesh it out.

cyan:
I'd put your second sentence first. Off planet is the draw. The rest of the description is run of the mill.
I'd like more description on the bar. Is this off world glamorous or gritty? A bar lends itself to grit but a description could change my entire perception.
If you hadn't told me the protagonist was female, I'm not sure I'd pick up on it.
I keep wanting more description, but despite that I have no problem seeing this world quite easily. The conclusion is tame.

croll:
"Our tutors who said there was nothing they could teach you" I like it, clever. And they keep coming.
Great play on words and a great conclusion. I'd like a bit more description of the characters.

gorillawithdandruff:
Good hook. I liked the twist that it was a letter, but then it was over. It was much too short. I was hoping for something really crazy to follow the unborn God baby.

zeroray:
Great setup. great pacing.
A few word choices and sentence structure issues, but a great story.
Jews is a weird choice. You could have made up virtually any word without it affecting the story. Instead I deliberate about setting and time period.

nezumi:
In one sentence I know exactly what's happening. A fun story. While a lot of my critiques have claimed characters needed to be further developed, that isn't the case with this one. I know just enough about the characters to empathize .

zweizer
I'd start with "Who said being a white-collar..."
I wondered if I was in for a Chucky-esque story. Thank you for not disappointing.
The timing needs to be further delineated.as to how much time actually passes with Jane's transformation.
Jane is amazingly calm while talking to a puppet... that talks back!
I was hoping for a bigger payoff. Mass hysteria, mental disease, doll rampage, something.

Votes:
1. nezumi
2.mike m
3. zeroray
HM croll
 
T

Tangent

Member
Mike M said:
*Capitalized genus and species name.*
post-9740-Jon-Stewart-shakes-head-gif-OHU5.gif
Click to expand...
I'm embarrassed to say that I don't quite get the joke. Is "Damage Done" the genus and species name you're referring to?

People's feedback:
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I think the jist is that the opening was unnecessary and not really part of the story. I agree, but for some reason didn't take it out. Probably cuz I didn't edit enough! And also, it was really good to hear how people thought it was surprising how the squirrels dropped dead from the acorns. I guess this is a normal reaction. I think I was trying to get at with the paranoia of the stasher was that there is "extreme" or "out there" research/interpretations of research and then how believing that research can actually make it manifest, but I didn't quite make this clear.

Votes and some crits:
1. FlowersisBritish -- Sad ending but in a beautiful way, extremely vivid, sensory. Good descriptions without getting too verbose, a balance I find very difficult. One thing is that it would have been a more tragic ending if there was more character development of LaBook. Though I'm not sure how you'd do that and still have so much development of the wintery setting. I liked how you described the darkness of the morning, the apathy blanket, the difference between slush and snow, and the silent mass of the river. It was beautiful.

2. karenq506 -- The plot of this story was so unique. That's what I liked the most. The hidden kindness was cute and it was also interesting to think of about the tensions and expectations of super elite families.

3. Mike M -- I enjoyed hearing how the kings died. It was a little predictable when the Earl seized the game hen on his platter what might happen. But still, the set up was like an old fairy tale or something and ti was fun to read.

Some more crits before I have to attend to a plumbing issue..
Croll -- nice set up for "coming out of the wardrobe." Also, the 1st page was hilarious cuz believe it or not I KNOW people who are that full of themselves!
Nezumi - best title ever. I really liked how sweet the revenge was because assholes are a pain.
GorillawithDandruff -- man that mom was MEAN!
Ashes -- it was super interesting to read about the relationship of this couple. It was described so well.
Dresden -- I would like to know more about this time bullet!
Cyan -- I liked the whole concept of the Simplifier. I liked the 1st person voice of the queen too; it was very realistic. I still didn't get her intent of using the nickname but it could just be me!
ZeroRay -- absolutely loved the ending. So well done.
ValerieCherish -- nice gay monarch. I liked how the characters were presented as well.
Zweizer -- this was such a fascinating idea with a lot of symbolism. The dialog was interesting and good food for thought. The one thing is that I imagine the MC would be a little more surprised by a puppet talking back.
Sober -- I think I needed to give this a more thorough and careful read so apologies on my part. But from what I gathered, I thought it was amusing how the captives weren't carefully secured. Some of the sentences were a little hard for me to follow but again maybe it was just me.

Was that everyone? I think so!
 
C

Croll

Neo Member
MikeM - Heavy is the Crown - I think the sign of a good parody is that it can be enjoyed on two levels - as a work in the medium its trying to imitate and something comical. I was genuinely interested in the politics behind the successorship. I suppose the only thing I might have wanted to see was some explanation for the curse which tied together the whole bird motif.

karenq0506 - A Hidden Kindness - I think that you tried to establish a very complex family dynamic in a very brief story. I like the framework that was there but some of the personalities could have been embellished. I felt distanced from the characters and I think perhaps some dialogue could have humanized the family members.

Valerie Cherish - Can't Hardly Wait - The setting you established in the beginning struck me as almost dystopian which I loved. The only problem was I feel like the story itself could have taken place anywhere just substituting emperor with prime minister, senator, or CEO. I think it would have been awesome if you could have incorporated the culture into their actions a little more.

Tangent - The Damage is Done - I thought it was a cute story with some well developed personalities though the details of the squirrel society seemed unnecessarily complicated for the message you were trying to get across. I understand though if you were trying to get practice at world building in which case I think you did a good job, it just didn't mesh completely with what was going on at the forefront. Also, a colonel sanders shout out but no D's Nuts joke? For shame.

Dresden - Sic Semper Tyrannis - I think even more than the idea of the time bullet what I liked most was Ross' rambling tirade. His voice was very unique and struck me as something from a Tarantino movie.

Ashes - Castles in the Sky - The arrangement that the husband and wife setup the relationship dynamic quite nicely. I would almost say you could cut out the section about Tanya's brother as the parallel is almost overkill in my mind and maybe delve a little deeper into Tanya or her husband's inner monologue... or something. I'm no writer.

FlowersisBritish - The River is Made of Snow and Ice - I think that if you were trying to tell a story solely through setting then this was an admirable effort. You set an appropriately somber mood but it was missing some details to really make me connect with the main character. Mentioning the campaign signs was a good idea and more things like that could make this story really great.

Sober - Hitchhikers - I feel like the hijacking was just supposed to be a backdrop for a message about Emma and Malik's relationships but I'm not sure I understood it. I was more interested in how the characters interacted than the actual threat of the hijacking.

Cyan - The Simplifier - I thought the suspense that you built was great and you left the job just vague enough for me to want to know more about it.

GorillawithDandruff - The Stillborn Tyrant - I'm wondering just how reliable the narrator actually is and if this story he's telling is like Humbert's plea for sympathy.

ZeroRay - Dealing Hope, Selling Lies - Other than a few word choices that took me out of the time period I really liked this story. Regis was a great character even though the story probably wouldn't have changed much in his absence. I'm just wondering if there was ever a time when a theocrat would indict a noble in a court of public opinion.

Nezumi - The Cardboard Horse - I really liked the way you tackled the theme and I felt the brevity of the story added to its irreverent tone.

Zweiger - A Marionette's Happiness - I didn't feel like the changes Jane made in her life were setting her free. It seemed more like she was doing the same things only better but maybe that was the point.

1) MikeM
2) Dresden
3) ZeroRay

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I know my punctuation is a mess, believe me I do. The comma placement outside the quotation marks is just something I've always done when writing informally because the right way just doesn't feel right in my mind. Why should the pause be inside the quotation? The narrator pauses and then lets the speaker do his thing or so I figured it. Anyway, I apologize for any offenses I've caused.
 
G

GorillaWithDandruff

Member
Great feeback! But shit yeah I really did want to make it longer but I was so damn tired lol. I had a lot planned out but like half way through I noticed I was getting drowsy so I just kicked it into overdrive to at least get it done.

Not that I'm sure anyone is interested but the themes I was kinda going for was this:
Whether or not the baby actually was a newborn god is irrelevant. Whether or not the MC believed that is irrelevant. All that was important was its affect on the MC. How parents' pride over their children is an often selfish and even egotistical characteristic, giving themselves a sense of accomplishment rather than it being happiness for someone else's. How easy it is to label and judge someone without knowing their upbringing or circumstance. Or how sometimes small and minute things can have insane outcomes: MC leading country into shit because he is not confident in his rulings and judgement because he is unsure of his self-worth. How often people seek the love and approval of someone that they can never receive it from, despite the detrimental and horrendous affects it can have on that person, especially in the case of motherly love. Oh and also I intended it as less of a letter of resignation directed at the populace and more of a suicide note that he wanted to be made public.

HOWEVER. It being 3am and me going out the night of made it a little difficult to tell if I was getting that across. Wasn't my intention for the god baby description to take up like 60% of the text lol. Wasn't meant to be that important.

Anyway yea idk. Sorry for ranting. Good shit again though everybody!! Really great stuff as always.

Ashes
Mike M
Flowers
 
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