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NeoGAF Creative Writing Challenge #157 - "Abdication"
- Thread starter Cyan
- Start date
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Nez! So you survived?
Yes! Though I did spent the entire day yesterday in semicomatose sleep. That workshop was exhausting. Exhausting in a good way but still really exhausting.
I need to thank you again for bringing this to my/our attention. It really made me rethink how I've approached writing in the past.
Though I fear that I'll be looking for MICE in all the stories for quite some time in the future
Yes! Though I did spent the entire day yesterday in semicomatose sleep. That workshop was exhausting. Exhausting in a good way but still really exhausting.
I need to thank you again for bringing this to my/our attention. It really made me rethink how I've approached writing in the past.
Though I fear that I'll be looking for MICE in all the stories for quite some time in the future
Awesome! Glad to hear it worked out for you.
You'll have to tell us more when you're rested up.(And yes, those MICE are everywhere)
FlowersisBritish
fleurs n'est pas britannique
Boop boop
Mike M- This was really good. You and your drafting keep bringing out polished stuff. This was funny all the way through and I enjoyed the mere concept of it. That said(like you said) the ending was too predictable, and kinda ruins it a little. If your open to other possibilities...
Karen- I can relate to the wanderings of your MC. Been there, and I understand the need to get away. Not sure how I feel about your ending?
Valerie- fun little end line, fun characters, and fun dialogue. Point is, this was a fun story.
Tangent- I probably shouldn't laugh so much at the ending, but I did. This was fun overall, but by god you need more puns. Way more puns. Always more puns. I was disappointed that the every third sentence didn't have some sort of pun.
Dresden- Really like the concept of a time bullet, but what happens to that timeline? What happens to the viewer when a time bullet is used? Really curious.
Ashes- This was pretty cute, but honestly I don't like how it switches characters, mostly because I was way more interested in the brothers story.
Sober- I really enjoyed all of this. Dialogue was great, and I always appreciate character actions/descriptions instead of "she said he said" I also did really like the end. Good note to end on.
Cyan- Good switching between dialogue and world description(don't really know how to describe it). Also I thought your fight scene was really well written. Short and objective, the way to go in my book!
Croll- Ho ho ho, what good set up for a pretty good joke. Made me laugh.
Gorrrllia- I really like the concept and writing for the most part. I liked how haunted the king was of his better older brother he never met, and I just really like the idea of that character, unable to ever live up to that. That said, I don't like how he's like "Sorry I was kinda shit" at the end. Seemed kinda like a weird way to go?
ZeroRay- I really liked the way your MC played to the crowd, turning them. But the initial and end turns seemed a little sudden. Didn't think the crowd would react quite that way, atleast not yet. Not trying to downplay how clever and good the misdirection was(excellently done by the way) just would have liked a little more lead up to the pay off.
Nezumi- This was really cute and funny. Like, I just smiled at the end, I really don't know what else to say?
Zweizer- I really like the idea of the friendship at the end. Be cool to expand upon later.
To respond to some feed back. I was trying to tell a story through mostly description(actually something I really like to do a lot!) in some aspects i succeeded and others I failed. General consensus seems to be that people didn't get a feel for LeBook's character or mindset. He was supposed to be kind of a jerk, but I guess I never really showed that. Glad people liked the ending line though. I don't normally go right tot editing with feedback, but I got a lot fo good stuff, so thanks everyone!
Votes
1 Mike M
2. Sober
3. Zeroray
Mike M- This was really good. You and your drafting keep bringing out polished stuff. This was funny all the way through and I enjoyed the mere concept of it. That said(like you said) the ending was too predictable, and kinda ruins it a little. If your open to other possibilities...
1. Bird flies in, everyone freaks out, Scholar is like "Calm yo shits," bird knocks chandelier off and onto him. 2. Coronation ceremony, someone sneezes on him, everyone looks worried. 3 cook comes in and is like "Shit's not cooked!" or someone saves him, point is try a near death attempt. Just some thoughts. Feel free to ignore.
Karen- I can relate to the wanderings of your MC. Been there, and I understand the need to get away. Not sure how I feel about your ending?
Valerie- fun little end line, fun characters, and fun dialogue. Point is, this was a fun story.
Tangent- I probably shouldn't laugh so much at the ending, but I did. This was fun overall, but by god you need more puns. Way more puns. Always more puns. I was disappointed that the every third sentence didn't have some sort of pun.
Dresden- Really like the concept of a time bullet, but what happens to that timeline? What happens to the viewer when a time bullet is used? Really curious.
Ashes- This was pretty cute, but honestly I don't like how it switches characters, mostly because I was way more interested in the brothers story.
Sober- I really enjoyed all of this. Dialogue was great, and I always appreciate character actions/descriptions instead of "she said he said" I also did really like the end. Good note to end on.
Cyan- Good switching between dialogue and world description(don't really know how to describe it). Also I thought your fight scene was really well written. Short and objective, the way to go in my book!
Croll- Ho ho ho, what good set up for a pretty good joke. Made me laugh.
Gorrrllia- I really like the concept and writing for the most part. I liked how haunted the king was of his better older brother he never met, and I just really like the idea of that character, unable to ever live up to that. That said, I don't like how he's like "Sorry I was kinda shit" at the end. Seemed kinda like a weird way to go?
ZeroRay- I really liked the way your MC played to the crowd, turning them. But the initial and end turns seemed a little sudden. Didn't think the crowd would react quite that way, atleast not yet. Not trying to downplay how clever and good the misdirection was(excellently done by the way) just would have liked a little more lead up to the pay off.
Nezumi- This was really cute and funny. Like, I just smiled at the end, I really don't know what else to say?
Zweizer- I really like the idea of the friendship at the end. Be cool to expand upon later.
To respond to some feed back. I was trying to tell a story through mostly description(actually something I really like to do a lot!) in some aspects i succeeded and others I failed. General consensus seems to be that people didn't get a feel for LeBook's character or mindset. He was supposed to be kind of a jerk, but I guess I never really showed that. Glad people liked the ending line though. I don't normally go right tot editing with feedback, but I got a lot fo good stuff, so thanks everyone!
Votes
1 Mike M
2. Sober
3. Zeroray
Thanks for your feedback everyone! I must admit I kind of got trapped by the title, as I was desesperately trying to come with with a story that didn't appear too predictable. I was also extremely busy the past week, and couldn't manage to come up with a satisfying conclusion that sounded too cliché (such as swapping place with the marionette, or having the latter go on a rampage, or the latter corrupting the heroine, etc.). As for Jane's calmness it was because she didn't see the marionette itself talk or move, but rather heard it within her head, and as such I wanted to make it ambiguous about whether the puppet was really sentient, or whether she imagined all of it.
There still are some people that haven't voted but considering how it is highly unlikely that the outcome will change we might as well close this thing and present:
The Results
1.) Mike M - Heavy is the Crown
2.) Nezumi - The Cardboard Horse
3.) FlowersisBritish - The river is made of snow and ice
Vote count:
Mike M - 26 (7)
Nezumi - 13 (1)
FlowersisBritish - 9 (2)
ZeroRay - 6
karenq0506 - 5
Ashes - 4 (1)
Croll - 3 (1)
Sober - 3
Dresden - 3
Congratulation Mike!
The Results
1.) Mike M - Heavy is the Crow
2.) Nezumi - The Cardboard Horse
3.) FlowersisBritish - The river is made of snow and ice
Vote count:
Mike M - 26 (7)
Nezumi - 13 (1)
FlowersisBritish - 9 (2)
ZeroRay - 6
karenq0506 - 5
Ashes - 4 (1)
Croll - 3 (1)
Sober - 3
Dresden - 3
Congratulation Mike!
Lol I frkn love bend..errrr...mike
Ward! I hope this marks a return to the writing challenges going forward.
Yes! (Though I meant to enter this one)
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