hey_monkey
Banned
It's just cause we like you!ronito said:
-
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NeoGAF General Poetry Thread #3: Interior
- Thread starter hey_monkey
- Start date
- Status
Tim the Wiz
Banned
Yeah, I'm sure ronito is just as much a fox in the bedroom as he is in hen-houses and barns and sheds. 
Sorry, couldn't resist.
Sorry, couldn't resist.
hey_monkey
Banned
B-but ronito is a kitty!
interior
days stack upon days
shifting light, cramped air
keyboard report like gunshots
thin smoke catches the current
drifts away
chasing after a time and a place
a moment
that died long ago
noise outside
keys jangle
a woman - young maybe
old probably
laughs
should go, should leave
through the peep hole
a staircase
fear
tight
to go is to admit defeat
defeat of a dream
realized only in the picture shows
the old cinema
bogie puffs on a cigarette
watching
judging
retreat
retreat
days stack upon days
shifting light, cramped air
keyboard report like gunshots
thin smoke catches the current
drifts away
chasing after a time and a place
a moment
that died long ago
noise outside
keys jangle
a woman - young maybe
old probably
laughs
should go, should leave
through the peep hole
a staircase
fear
tight
to go is to admit defeat
defeat of a dream
realized only in the picture shows
the old cinema
bogie puffs on a cigarette
watching
judging
retreat
retreat
The brain, the heart, the kidneys
The brain, the heart, the kidneys
all very vital, all: the bee's knees.
The hips, the shoulders- (everything I suppose)
flick of the camera- strike the perfect pose!
The soul, our dreams, and our feelings too,
I don't know where they are, neither do you!
The son, the daughter, the mother and the Mrs,
Some make you smile, the other blow you kisses.
The tears of sweet laughter, the anger, and err sorrow?
Do all today's steps lead in tomorrow?
Emotions and time? and how do they mix?
I don't really know. Just ask Ashes1396!
edit: edit deleted.
The brain, the heart, the kidneys
all very vital, all: the bee's knees.
The hips, the shoulders- (everything I suppose)
flick of the camera- strike the perfect pose!
The soul, our dreams, and our feelings too,
I don't know where they are, neither do you!
The son, the daughter, the mother and the Mrs,
Some make you smile, the other blow you kisses.
The tears of sweet laughter, the anger, and err sorrow?
Do all today's steps lead in tomorrow?
Emotions and time? and how do they mix?
I don't really know. Just ask Ashes1396!
edit: edit deleted.
Tim the Wiz
Banned
You went and had two bottles, didn't you, Ashes?
Light Blue Reminds Her
In a room filled with dusty chairs
Light blue reminds her of the loss
As she stands among things that are older than the lived
And her sweet heart, her heaven, sifts through that which matters most;
He that means the world to her.
This war is for her.
She could break down, reduced to ashes of her former self
Or she could wear the mantle of a thousand summers;
Become the focus of their rage and their love
Step into the bloody murder, and let the angry spirits spiral through her:
The savior, the messiah, the ender of worlds
This war is for her.
Yet, all shes ever known is running, her love by her side.
Promises of the jeweled eye of the crow.
All shes ever felt was lonely, shrouded by the fallen eye.
A time sunk princess with nowhere to call home.
This war is her undoing.
Wind blows the dust from the tables and chairs,
Revealing the names of the dearly departed.
Off in the city, the remnants of war sound;
Reminders that she is the cause, and the resolution.
Destruction in Gods blood and burial; the sounds of the end.
A living hell with cuts marked in the march of men.
They die for a chance to be remembered
And yet, she lingers with childhood questions
This war is her fault.
As is her fathers bloody murder; a sign of the answer.
And the answers to all shes known lie at her back;
A city wasted by the greed and bigotry of past lives
In ruins from the men and women who thought better
Wanted more
Knew nothing.
It lies on her shoulders,
As Neparlonia, the weapon of seasons, ignites the western
Skies with a flash of brilliance and utter devastation.
They will not survive this; they will never be whole again
Blue will mix with green and black with gold
Where once men stood to accept best wishes
They now die to their own desires.
This war is her revelation.
She will not allow it
In times passed, when the light of Arielsentorm
And its two sister moons graced the world at night
And Helgitharin gave light to the day,
Her father named her the jewel that would forever pulse with the worlds heart.
When she was prized among all that the world had to offer
And it all seemed so much simpler
There was love; requited and natural
Even as others wished for her hand and heart.
She knew the truth
It would always be he, the boy with the contagious smile and eyes of slate
To match her calm azure.
As they now search for stoic holy men among the dissonance
It must be he that draws out her strength, even as they stand among the
Reminders of all that has been squandered.
This war is why she exists.
Light blue reminds her of the loss
Within this room filled with dusty chairs
But she will move forward;
For her people need her, and the war will never end unless she takes her station.
She takes her mantle, and steps into the unknown.
Edit: I'll put in links to the songs when I get to work. Running a bit late now.
In a room filled with dusty chairs
Light blue reminds her of the loss
As she stands among things that are older than the lived
And her sweet heart, her heaven, sifts through that which matters most;
He that means the world to her.
This war is for her.
She could break down, reduced to ashes of her former self
Or she could wear the mantle of a thousand summers;
Become the focus of their rage and their love
Step into the bloody murder, and let the angry spirits spiral through her:
The savior, the messiah, the ender of worlds
This war is for her.
Yet, all shes ever known is running, her love by her side.
Promises of the jeweled eye of the crow.
All shes ever felt was lonely, shrouded by the fallen eye.
A time sunk princess with nowhere to call home.
This war is her undoing.
Wind blows the dust from the tables and chairs,
Revealing the names of the dearly departed.
Off in the city, the remnants of war sound;
Reminders that she is the cause, and the resolution.
Destruction in Gods blood and burial; the sounds of the end.
A living hell with cuts marked in the march of men.
They die for a chance to be remembered
And yet, she lingers with childhood questions
This war is her fault.
As is her fathers bloody murder; a sign of the answer.
And the answers to all shes known lie at her back;
A city wasted by the greed and bigotry of past lives
In ruins from the men and women who thought better
Wanted more
Knew nothing.
It lies on her shoulders,
As Neparlonia, the weapon of seasons, ignites the western
Skies with a flash of brilliance and utter devastation.
They will not survive this; they will never be whole again
Blue will mix with green and black with gold
Where once men stood to accept best wishes
They now die to their own desires.
This war is her revelation.
She will not allow it
In times passed, when the light of Arielsentorm
And its two sister moons graced the world at night
And Helgitharin gave light to the day,
Her father named her the jewel that would forever pulse with the worlds heart.
When she was prized among all that the world had to offer
And it all seemed so much simpler
There was love; requited and natural
Even as others wished for her hand and heart.
She knew the truth
It would always be he, the boy with the contagious smile and eyes of slate
To match her calm azure.
As they now search for stoic holy men among the dissonance
It must be he that draws out her strength, even as they stand among the
Reminders of all that has been squandered.
This war is why she exists.
Light blue reminds her of the loss
Within this room filled with dusty chairs
But she will move forward;
For her people need her, and the war will never end unless she takes her station.
She takes her mantle, and steps into the unknown.
Edit: I'll put in links to the songs when I get to work. Running a bit late now.
hey_monkey
Banned
An almost-to-the-deadline bump.
The internal differences had infernal consequences in strange ways
the stage is set and evil is at bay with paid off heathens and demons slain
the plane of existence was literally too plain to name the blame on
the same could be said of the fire wood having no flame on
No question to be asked for a universally accepted which the arti-fact contorts
sponsored by the local dispenser of conformity based comfort sort of consorts
human mind bred what we find absurd word by word rather to notice what occurred
eat bacteria made curd and later oppose it in a meeting with words you heard inferred
so a red herring is communist and a white lie is truth now
is that the reason why red and blue are the options in the booth now?
leave logic at the door and hit it preemptively on the way out
no reason or rhyme to bring change about, but take the easy route
Settle the differences in your own home stadium
and do it before they find out how to utilize palladium
after which attack them and take their holy land hostage
and then project growths based on who delivers the food there fastest
No use though since all of us have strange ways for retaliation
re-tally the taxes and get ready on your battle stations
shoot to kill and kill on sight, the bullet worth more than he can bite
so rather ignite the rocket and reduce his home and call it a fair fight
The prophet and the clergymen spoke of it in the early times
modernization of the passages took us hook, sinker and line
but not in that order, report to you command and expand your border
the other side uses strange ways, dont worry since you have grenades and mortar
One day it'll be over, and it will all matter not
we will scheme and plot and the melting pot with burn and rot
a riot will consume all sects while the winners "earn" respect
held accountable for the labels that they messed
Will we still pray four times a day or five?
whose way is strange when it's time to survive?
pick betweens nuns and many wives or guns and many knives
choice is clear when there is no one paying you to protect your hive
______________________________________________________________________
Song:
Madvillian - Strange ways
A real politically charged number for a few bars, really served as an inspiration for the rhymes.
the stage is set and evil is at bay with paid off heathens and demons slain
the plane of existence was literally too plain to name the blame on
the same could be said of the fire wood having no flame on
No question to be asked for a universally accepted which the arti-fact contorts
sponsored by the local dispenser of conformity based comfort sort of consorts
human mind bred what we find absurd word by word rather to notice what occurred
eat bacteria made curd and later oppose it in a meeting with words you heard inferred
so a red herring is communist and a white lie is truth now
is that the reason why red and blue are the options in the booth now?
leave logic at the door and hit it preemptively on the way out
no reason or rhyme to bring change about, but take the easy route
Settle the differences in your own home stadium
and do it before they find out how to utilize palladium
after which attack them and take their holy land hostage
and then project growths based on who delivers the food there fastest
No use though since all of us have strange ways for retaliation
re-tally the taxes and get ready on your battle stations
shoot to kill and kill on sight, the bullet worth more than he can bite
so rather ignite the rocket and reduce his home and call it a fair fight
The prophet and the clergymen spoke of it in the early times
modernization of the passages took us hook, sinker and line
but not in that order, report to you command and expand your border
the other side uses strange ways, dont worry since you have grenades and mortar
One day it'll be over, and it will all matter not
we will scheme and plot and the melting pot with burn and rot
a riot will consume all sects while the winners "earn" respect
held accountable for the labels that they messed
Will we still pray four times a day or five?
whose way is strange when it's time to survive?
pick betweens nuns and many wives or guns and many knives
choice is clear when there is no one paying you to protect your hive
______________________________________________________________________
Song:
Madvillian - Strange ways
A real politically charged number for a few bars, really served as an inspiration for the rhymes.
hey_monkey
Banned
Last morning bump! Get them poemz in, kids.
ronitoswife
Neo Member
Damn right he is!Tim the Wiz said:Yeah, I'm sure ronito is just as much a fox in the bedroom as he is in hen-houses and barns and sheds.
hey_monkey
Banned
:lol It's the ronito defense force!
Tim the Wiz
Banned
:lol Really?
Mary Poppins vs. other classic musical sing-a-longs *
Your...
Super coloured fragile lipstick is exactly like the duchesses
Even though the touch of it is something quite atrocious
If you wear it, just be glad, not so self conscious!
Because youre super coloured fragile lipstick is exactly like the duchesses
Um-diddle-diddle-um-diddleye, Um-diddle-diddle-um-diddleye
Um-diddle-diddle-um-diddleye, Um-diddle-diddle-um-diddleye
Your super coloured fragile lipstick is exactly like the duchesses !
Hmm.
Oompa loompa doompa dee do
Ive got the perfect puzzle for you!
Oompa loompa, doompadee dee
If you are wise youll listen to me
What do you get if youre low and upset!
Sleeping in bed, and tossing your head!
Why do you think this will get you a job?
Youre the only person losing, the one who is getting robbed!
I dont like the look of it!
Oompa Lompa Doompadee Dah
If you dont give up, you will go far
You will make the best of it too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompadee Do
Doompadee doo!
Huh!
A boy can have money,
As much as he needs,
But hes not so happy,
Until he gets the girl of his dreams!
Chim chiminey
Chim chiminey
Chim chim cher-ee!
Let the boy have the money,
As much as he needs!
All right, shut up, you lot! A bit of culture now! 'Ere we go... altogether now...
Oom-pah-pah! Oom-pah-pah!
That's how it goes,
Oom-pah-pah! Oom-pah-pah!
Ev'ryone knows.
They all suppose what they want to suppose...
When they hear oom pah pah
Oom-pah-pah, Oom-pah-pah
Here be a kitty,
Whos stuck in a tree,
Its quite amazing,
really,
I thought she liked her home tea!
She doesnt like sitting,
And knitting,
Away,
Shed rather dance the night,
All the way through-
-to the break of the next day!
Oom-pah-pah! Oom-pah-pah!
That's how it goes,
Oom-pah-pah! Oom-pah-pah!
Ev'ryone knows.
edit: *(Secondary objective)
edit: If anything it gives you a chance to see songs you haven't seen since your childers. At least that's what I seem to be doing... :lol
Your...
Super coloured fragile lipstick is exactly like the duchesses
Even though the touch of it is something quite atrocious
If you wear it, just be glad, not so self conscious!
Because youre super coloured fragile lipstick is exactly like the duchesses
Um-diddle-diddle-um-diddleye, Um-diddle-diddle-um-diddleye
Um-diddle-diddle-um-diddleye, Um-diddle-diddle-um-diddleye
Your super coloured fragile lipstick is exactly like the duchesses !
Hmm.
Oompa loompa doompa dee do
Ive got the perfect puzzle for you!
Oompa loompa, doompadee dee
If you are wise youll listen to me
What do you get if youre low and upset!
Sleeping in bed, and tossing your head!
Why do you think this will get you a job?
Youre the only person losing, the one who is getting robbed!
I dont like the look of it!
Oompa Lompa Doompadee Dah
If you dont give up, you will go far
You will make the best of it too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompadee Do
Doompadee doo!
Huh!
A boy can have money,
As much as he needs,
But hes not so happy,
Until he gets the girl of his dreams!
Chim chiminey
Chim chiminey
Chim chim cher-ee!
Let the boy have the money,
As much as he needs!
All right, shut up, you lot! A bit of culture now! 'Ere we go... altogether now...
Oom-pah-pah! Oom-pah-pah!
That's how it goes,
Oom-pah-pah! Oom-pah-pah!
Ev'ryone knows.
They all suppose what they want to suppose...
When they hear oom pah pah
Oom-pah-pah, Oom-pah-pah
Here be a kitty,
Whos stuck in a tree,
Its quite amazing,
really,
I thought she liked her home tea!
She doesnt like sitting,
And knitting,
Away,
Shed rather dance the night,
All the way through-
-to the break of the next day!
Oom-pah-pah! Oom-pah-pah!
That's how it goes,
Oom-pah-pah! Oom-pah-pah!
Ev'ryone knows.
edit: *(Secondary objective)
edit: If anything it gives you a chance to see songs you haven't seen since your childers. At least that's what I seem to be doing... :lol
Voting selection:
Mudkips: Interior
ULTROS!: Room
Bootaaay: November Rain
Plywood: The Masochist
Tim the Wiz: All We Humans
Timedog:Waves Hitting Rocks (Godfuck)
umop_3pisdn: a scratch in the cork...
Dresden: It's always within you.
kid ness: The Angry Man
Dartastic: This is the insect...
hey_monkey: In Summer
Irish: Down the Street
Irish: Journeyman *
PolarBearsClub: Forgetting Birthdays
ronito: Vespers
MaxSteel: interior
Ashes1396: The brain, the heart, the kidneys
Alfarif: Light Blue Reminds Her
AnkitT: Internal Conflict
Ashes1396: Mary Poppins vs. other classic musical sing-a-longs *
*(Secondary Objective)
Voting ends: Sunday May 30th, 2010 at 11:59pm, PST
Good luck to one and all!
Mudkips: Interior
ULTROS!: Room
Bootaaay: November Rain
Plywood: The Masochist
Tim the Wiz: All We Humans
Timedog:Waves Hitting Rocks (Godfuck)
umop_3pisdn: a scratch in the cork...
Dresden: It's always within you.
kid ness: The Angry Man
Dartastic: This is the insect...
hey_monkey: In Summer
Irish: Down the Street
Irish: Journeyman *
PolarBearsClub: Forgetting Birthdays
ronito: Vespers
MaxSteel: interior
Ashes1396: The brain, the heart, the kidneys
Alfarif: Light Blue Reminds Her
AnkitT: Internal Conflict
Ashes1396: Mary Poppins vs. other classic musical sing-a-longs *
*(Secondary Objective)
Voting ends: Sunday May 30th, 2010 at 11:59pm, PST
Good luck to one and all!
LET IT BE KNOWN, ON THIS DAY, WHO I VOTED FOR: http://bit.ly/a75CcD
It was exactly one year ago today that I met my ex-girlfriend at the Moscow airport. I had been on the road for over a month, and for that entire time, scarcely a moment passed when I didn't dream of the moment I would see her again. Her flight was to arrive at around 2pm. I had arrived in Moscow the day before, and though I had that entire day to plan for how to meet her, I still managed to arrive at the airport ten minutes late. Cursing at myself, I stepped into the arrivals hall. After a minute of looking, I saw her. She had not yet seen me. I called out her name, and she turned to me. The look on her face was something indescribably joyous. "Hi," I said. "Hi," she said. So nervous. So delighted. So delicate. We could have been any storybook lovers then. There, in that hall, as the crowd around us spoke a language we couldn't understand and the signs flashed words we couldn't read, there I held her close to me, and there I gave her the kiss I had saved for her during all those weeks on the road.
It started raining on the way to our hotel. We had planned to drop off her things and go to see Red Square, but the rain stopped that. I knew enough Russian to ask where we could buy an umbrella, and someone told me where, but instead we just looked at each other and smiled and ran through the rain to the hotel she had booked for us.
I had wanted so much and for so long to hold her that as I finally did, it almost didn't seem real. There we were, in that room, together at last. I could describe the wallpaper (faded white with dull yellow stripes), the bedspread (white sheets with cream pillowcases and a cream blanket), or the carpet (a creamy, ash-stained tan), but it could have been any room in any city on earth so long as she and I were together. We didn't go anywhere that day. We stayed in that hotel room and made love five times as the rain washed over that wondrous city. And she told me she had a surprise for me, and she reached into her carefully-packed bag and pulled out a set of tiny speakers, and we listened to the Beatles and remembered the Paul McCartney concert we had seen together just before I left, when she first told me she loved me, and we laughed and smoked cigarettes and made love again.
I have not spoken to her in almost six months.
Sorry for that story. Someone better than me could make that into a poem. But, as I said, it was exactly one year ago today, and right now I am just feeling incredibly emotional and (stupidly) looking at pictures from that trip, and I saw the thread title and felt like this was as good a place as any to get that out.
Btw, some of you guys are really talented. Keep it up. Maybe I'll try to write a real entry sometime.
It started raining on the way to our hotel. We had planned to drop off her things and go to see Red Square, but the rain stopped that. I knew enough Russian to ask where we could buy an umbrella, and someone told me where, but instead we just looked at each other and smiled and ran through the rain to the hotel she had booked for us.
I had wanted so much and for so long to hold her that as I finally did, it almost didn't seem real. There we were, in that room, together at last. I could describe the wallpaper (faded white with dull yellow stripes), the bedspread (white sheets with cream pillowcases and a cream blanket), or the carpet (a creamy, ash-stained tan), but it could have been any room in any city on earth so long as she and I were together. We didn't go anywhere that day. We stayed in that hotel room and made love five times as the rain washed over that wondrous city. And she told me she had a surprise for me, and she reached into her carefully-packed bag and pulled out a set of tiny speakers, and we listened to the Beatles and remembered the Paul McCartney concert we had seen together just before I left, when she first told me she loved me, and we laughed and smoked cigarettes and made love again.
I have not spoken to her in almost six months.
Sorry for that story. Someone better than me could make that into a poem. But, as I said, it was exactly one year ago today, and right now I am just feeling incredibly emotional and (stupidly) looking at pictures from that trip, and I saw the thread title and felt like this was as good a place as any to get that out.
Btw, some of you guys are really talented. Keep it up. Maybe I'll try to write a real entry sometime.
I don't see why you can't enter the writing challenge thread yourself! get to it man.
hey_monkey
Banned
Puddles: I concur with Ashes! You should find a way to tell your stories, because you do it well.
And speaking of Ashes: thank you for the list! You're on the ball in a way that I will never ever be.
And speaking of Ashes: thank you for the list! You're on the ball in a way that I will never ever be.
hey_monkey
Banned
Yep, have seen her around. I love her username to bits. :lol
First comments a-coming:
Mudkips:
:lol for what this is, I actually thing it works very well! Surprisingly well! There were lulz. However, I'm pretty miffed at you for stealing my churning guts idea before I could post my poem. YOU BASTARD. Thunder-stealer.
Ultros(!): Some great bits here, like "the furniture bows before him" (lovely!), but noticeably heavy on unnecessary words, I think, which gives the poem a heavier, prose-ish feel that I think is not so well suited here. I think a good third of the words could be trimmed and you'd get a much stronger piece. But there's a lot to work with here. Spend more than five minutes next time! Or spend five minutes again and come back. Would love to read more.
Bootaaay: Nice work with the theme and secondary objective. I just feel the language is a little pedestrian here, like you could have done more to make this unique. As it is, it's a beautiful moment, and I feel that, but the words don't really come to life for me.
/useless, vague critique
Plywood: So many new (to me!) faces here! Love it. I like the subtle, occasional rhymes, as they add a sort of balance to parts of this. What I would suggest, though, to build on this, is that once you have this frame that carries the precise thoughts, work then to make them new. Different. Not necessarily what you think, maybe, but what you feel, if that makes sense. This is surface to me. I look beneath and I've already seen everything there is to see. I want more.
Will continue soon. Am stuck on Timmy's. Keep re-reading.
First comments a-coming:
Mudkips:
:lol for what this is, I actually thing it works very well! Surprisingly well! There were lulz. However, I'm pretty miffed at you for stealing my churning guts idea before I could post my poem. YOU BASTARD. Thunder-stealer.
guess this worked out though, since my poem is apparently not about what I thought it was about.
Ultros(!): Some great bits here, like "the furniture bows before him" (lovely!), but noticeably heavy on unnecessary words, I think, which gives the poem a heavier, prose-ish feel that I think is not so well suited here. I think a good third of the words could be trimmed and you'd get a much stronger piece. But there's a lot to work with here. Spend more than five minutes next time! Or spend five minutes again and come back. Would love to read more.
Bootaaay: Nice work with the theme and secondary objective. I just feel the language is a little pedestrian here, like you could have done more to make this unique. As it is, it's a beautiful moment, and I feel that, but the words don't really come to life for me.
/useless, vague critique
Plywood: So many new (to me!) faces here! Love it. I like the subtle, occasional rhymes, as they add a sort of balance to parts of this. What I would suggest, though, to build on this, is that once you have this frame that carries the precise thoughts, work then to make them new. Different. Not necessarily what you think, maybe, but what you feel, if that makes sense. This is surface to me. I look beneath and I've already seen everything there is to see. I want more.
Will continue soon. Am stuck on Timmy's. Keep re-reading.
hey_monkey
Banned
I dunno if she wants to or if she just popped in, but I don't care. Some of you all could be dating. Pretty sure Cyan is nailing everyone and we let him vote.
Tim the Wiz
Banned
Well, Cyan is a powerful man. You have to make exceptions for that. But, yeah, in general: You don't need an entry to vote.
Da da da da da-da!
hey_monkey said:
Da da da da da-da!
hey_monkey
Banned
Cyan said:
Hey hey hey, all I wanna do is hug your avatar.
hey_monkey
Banned
Continued....
Tim:
Now I am trying to read your poem to the Imperial March and I think I finally have it right (shorn LIKE a lull-A-by).
But, uh after having read your poem now upwards of twenty times, I dunno. I guess I don't get it. I like individual pieces, like the above line I turned into something terrible, the last stanza but overall I feel like I'm missing something. I keep reading it, so I guess I must like it somehow. I don't know. I don't have anything useful to say so I at least want to walk you through my reading experience!
Timedog:
I so so many potential line breaks here that I think could really make this even wilder or ramp it up more, and I don't just mean that very, very long line. I worked a little with a friend recently who's a very excellent poet and he taught me a lot about line breaks, so admittedly it's fresh in my mind, but he said to try to make each line a discovery if you can. Break it at a place that creates tension. And here I think you have all the tension in each individual line, separate, almost as its own entity. In the end, I feel like I could read a few lines and get all the poem has to offer.
umop_3pisdn:
Uh, are you me? Because your introductory bit was full of things that are very familiar to me!
I feel like I'm about to get repetitive with my critiques, but here again I see extra words and line break potential. A poem this sparse? I don't want to say that, maybe minimal--based so much on an image, yeah? really benefits at times from that sort of scattered look poems get with short lines that stretch far down the page. You're already making one moment, one thing much bigger, so stretch it out. But if you don't often write poetry you should change that!
Ugh, I hate my critiques this go-round. But I want to give whatever feedback I can!
Dresden:
Save Dresden! Or at least get more entries in whilst there is bannage. We need Dresden! Is this some fancy form I don't recognize, or did you just structure it this way? Either way, I like it; doesn't feel forced but instead just fits the piece. Well done.
kid ness:
Hmm. This appeals to me on one level--really, I think it's the last two lines; I just want to say YEAH FUCK THEM!, but overall, this is a little choppy in my opinion. It's not a smooth read, particularly, and I can't really "hear" it, either.
Dartastic:
song link :loll
I really think you could do a lot with this! It made me laugh and at the beginning, I felt like you really had something working until I got to "selfish desires." I dunno, I expected something there to grow more naturally from the sound of words like "obscene" and "reason," that similarity between them, and the poem turned away. Not, I think, for the best.
hey_monkey:
hey, that's me!
I think this piece would benefit from a lot of the same critiques I've given out! I started working to really restructure it in places, but didn't want to make such aggressive changes while it was up here. I'm torn over my "ands." I kinda like 'em. Breathless-y. But . Anyway, I enjoyed the heck out of my own theme because I just keep thinking about this piece and had a lot of fun writing it. I looked at the accompanying sonnets and tried to track a little of what was going on in there from beginning to end throughout my own poem. Since I'm not naturally a poem, having something to follow, in a sense, really helps me.
And with Irish coming up, I want to say that I was of course going to use some Jack White-involved song, but turned away from it. IT WAS HARD. But Irish did it better, so I'm glad I didn't!
Irish the firste:
"sit for a bit" seems a little Dr. Seuss to me, but then again, I was just reading Hop on Pop to my son .
I'm not sure about that orphan line in the middle there. Kinda sticks in my craw.
Irish the second:
I'm so biased, but I OF COURSE love this and think you did a really great job stitching together good lines with your transitions.
Tim:
Now I am trying to read your poem to the Imperial March and I think I finally have it right (shorn LIKE a lull-A-by).
But, uh after having read your poem now upwards of twenty times, I dunno. I guess I don't get it. I like individual pieces, like the above line I turned into something terrible, the last stanza but overall I feel like I'm missing something. I keep reading it, so I guess I must like it somehow. I don't know. I don't have anything useful to say so I at least want to walk you through my reading experience!
Timedog:
I so so many potential line breaks here that I think could really make this even wilder or ramp it up more, and I don't just mean that very, very long line. I worked a little with a friend recently who's a very excellent poet and he taught me a lot about line breaks, so admittedly it's fresh in my mind, but he said to try to make each line a discovery if you can. Break it at a place that creates tension. And here I think you have all the tension in each individual line, separate, almost as its own entity. In the end, I feel like I could read a few lines and get all the poem has to offer.
umop_3pisdn:
Uh, are you me? Because your introductory bit was full of things that are very familiar to me!
I feel like I'm about to get repetitive with my critiques, but here again I see extra words and line break potential. A poem this sparse? I don't want to say that, maybe minimal--based so much on an image, yeah? really benefits at times from that sort of scattered look poems get with short lines that stretch far down the page. You're already making one moment, one thing much bigger, so stretch it out. But if you don't often write poetry you should change that!
Ugh, I hate my critiques this go-round. But I want to give whatever feedback I can!
Dresden:
Save Dresden!
Or at least get more entries in whilst there is bannage. We need Dresden! Is this some fancy form I don't recognize, or did you just structure it this way? Either way, I like it; doesn't feel forced but instead just fits the piece. Well done.kid ness:
Hmm. This appeals to me on one level--really, I think it's the last two lines; I just want to say YEAH FUCK THEM!, but overall, this is a little choppy in my opinion. It's not a smooth read, particularly, and I can't really "hear" it, either.
Dartastic:
song link :loll
I really think you could do a lot with this! It made me laugh and at the beginning, I felt like you really had something working until I got to "selfish desires." I dunno, I expected something there to grow more naturally from the sound of words like "obscene" and "reason," that similarity between them, and the poem turned away. Not, I think, for the best.
hey_monkey:
hey, that's me!
I think this piece would benefit from a lot of the same critiques I've given out! I started working to really restructure it in places, but didn't want to make such aggressive changes while it was up here. I'm torn over my "ands." I kinda like 'em. Breathless-y. But . Anyway, I enjoyed the heck out of my own theme because I just keep thinking about this piece and had a lot of fun writing it. I looked at the accompanying sonnets and tried to track a little of what was going on in there from beginning to end throughout my own poem. Since I'm not naturally a poem, having something to follow, in a sense, really helps me.
And with Irish coming up, I want to say that I was of course going to use some Jack White-involved song, but turned away from it. IT WAS HARD. But Irish did it better, so I'm glad I didn't!
Irish the firste:
"sit for a bit" seems a little Dr. Seuss to me, but then again, I was just reading Hop on Pop to my son .
I'm not sure about that orphan line in the middle there. Kinda sticks in my craw.
Irish the second:
I'm so biased, but I OF COURSE love this and think you did a really great job stitching together good lines with your transitions.
Votes:
1. Dresden - "It's always within you"
2. Timedog - "Waves Hitting Rocks (Godfuck)"
3. Irish - "Journeyman"
Edit:
And as I noted in the other thread--Dres, if you're reading, you can always get in touch with one of the folks in this thread and ask them to post votes or a story or whatever on your behalf.
1. Dresden - "It's always within you"
2. Timedog - "Waves Hitting Rocks (Godfuck)"
3. Irish - "Journeyman"
Edit:
And as I noted in the other thread--Dres, if you're reading, you can always get in touch with one of the folks in this thread and ask them to post votes or a story or whatever on your behalf.
Tim the Wiz
Banned
hey_monkey said:
Maybe it's the feeling of something good struggling to come out or be shaped? Which is fair, since I didn't put much effort into it. Thankfully, prose doesn't find you out - or me out, at least - that easily.
hey_monkey
Banned
PolarBearsClub:
That second stanza really grabs me, though I'm torn over whether the punctuation adds to it or not. I like the casual tone a lot. Think it works well.
ronito:
Not feeling some of these line breaks or the punctuation here, either. I'm always about the little things, eh? Oh well. I very much like the last three lines of this. The whole thing, but the last three lines in particular.
MaxSteel:
Really like this:
a woman - young maybe
old probably
And the first line, too.
The constriction of the lines fits the feeling, but I can't tell if it's building or maintaining. Still works well, I think.
Ashes1396 the firste:
Like what you're doing here, vital things, concrete to abstract, but I can't really get a fix on the tone. Sounds formal in places, more casual in others, and not consistent.
Alfarif:
Interesting work with the secondary objective. Some really good lines in here as well. Interesting too to follow the story within the poem. Nice!
AnkitT:
As ever, love your work with words. Don't find the message overpowering, either, which is easy to do with a piece like this.
Ashes the second:
Man, that first stanza rocks it out. After that, I think it begins to wear just a little, though I think near the end, maybe the last three stanzas, it picks up again. Or maybe I just have a preference in references.
That second stanza really grabs me, though I'm torn over whether the punctuation adds to it or not. I like the casual tone a lot. Think it works well.
ronito:
Not feeling some of these line breaks or the punctuation here, either. I'm always about the little things, eh? Oh well. I very much like the last three lines of this. The whole thing, but the last three lines in particular.
MaxSteel:
Really like this:
a woman - young maybe
old probably
And the first line, too.
The constriction of the lines fits the feeling, but I can't tell if it's building or maintaining. Still works well, I think.
Ashes1396 the firste:
Like what you're doing here, vital things, concrete to abstract, but I can't really get a fix on the tone. Sounds formal in places, more casual in others, and not consistent.
Alfarif:
Interesting work with the secondary objective. Some really good lines in here as well. Interesting too to follow the story within the poem. Nice!
AnkitT:
As ever, love your work with words. Don't find the message overpowering, either, which is easy to do with a piece like this.
Ashes the second:
Man, that first stanza rocks it out. After that, I think it begins to wear just a little, though I think near the end, maybe the last three stanzas, it picks up again. Or maybe I just have a preference in references.
hey_monkey
Banned
And finally, votes:
1. Dresden
2. PolarBearsClub
3. Irish, "Journeyman"
HM: MaxSteel, Alfarif, ronito... too many I liked.
1. Dresden
2. PolarBearsClub
3. Irish, "Journeyman"
HM: MaxSteel, Alfarif, ronito... too many I liked.
- Status