-
Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.
Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
- Start date
- Status
What the fuck kind of ignorance am I reading or is it the language barrier at work here?
Devolution
Member
So you fucked someone who isn't even living in your home country and if she's pregnant, wants to go back home to have the kid, and keep it from you? In the future might I suggest wrapping your cock up especially if the person isn't even a domestic?
Devolution
Member
Well dude you might want to read up on the differences between birth control and the morning after pill if you want to fuck around and don't know the difference.
If it helps any, my chicks has been delayed twice in a row so far. Dec never showed til Jan and Feb never showed until March.
I disagree with your analysis a bit here. Girls want to feel special. A guy comes up to them and is all like 'I must have you now' and she's attracted feels that she is special and loved, unless she's exclusively into hooking up. Girls (as in kids and not actually adults) might feel like women this way, but women feel 'special' this way.
But the final point of not 'dating' is true for most people. Few people appreciate dating for dating's sake. Connection is key and should be what you're really after.
Honestly, just watch the douchiness if you use these tactics. They'll work on younger girls but if you're not interested in them longer term they may get attached to you and you'll just turn them into cynical beings. Don't be an ass. You're working with emotions here, don't be fake.
The lights on your face are disturbing as are the walls and ceiling. I would probably scream and run away.
Seriously, bigger pic?
[KoRp]Jazzman
Member
God I missed your posts
This was taken a few months ago. The beard is gone now. Hopefully, this will work.
I don't have a lot of photos of myself. I'm not very photogenic, it seems.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
This was taken a few months ago. The beard is gone now. Hopefully, this will work.
I don't have a lot of photos of myself. I'm not very photogenic, it seems.
Take a picture of yourself as you are now.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
I can't without a camera.
No laptop camera? You could always borrow one when you have time.
I'm just curious is all.
Etrian Oddity
Member
This is what I just. Cannot. Understand. Your words make sense to me, but actually courting a girl has never worked for me, to the point where I'm about to break and start being an asshole not by facade or PUA but because I'm just about to snap because I've been so teased, taken advantage of, and given blue balls because I act like a gentleman. I'm seriously feeling my old anti-women resentment coming back, and it scares me.
Maybe it's the escalation thing? I know what you're supposed to do to escalate kino and the touch barrier, but I've just never been able to actually make the sex proposition. Do you just have to be as crass as possible for girls to want to have sex with you?
I know I'm just in a rut right now...but goddamn guys, these last two girls really screwed over my confidence. It's not logical for a person to go as long as I have, in the social environment that I'm in, and have absolutely nothing so show for it with girls. And what pisses me off the most is the attention whores--I've lost count of the number of girls who will make the first move on me, flirt their asses off, text me to make plans, and then cancel or never get back to me.
Seriously guys, I'm starting to get really pissed off and resentful. What. The. Fuck.
Even if I do (and I will eventually), my looks are hardly my only problem. There's also my autism (making social situations THAT much harder), lack of money (SSI bondage means no job), no car, small pecs and a big stomach are also holding me back I feel.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
That doesn't sound so awful. You'll just... need to stretch your creative muscles to make up for what you think you lack.
I do not know what SSI Bondage means.
Hmm, I'm in a rut, but I still don't feel like I'm any more bitter or resentful. I think I've finally grown tired of going in that direction since it really never has done me any good.
That said, I still haven't gotten enough motivation to go out and try to be social. It's tough when you don't drink alcohol and the only places to go and meet strangers with the express purpose of socializing are bars. I know people say "well drink more alcohol", but in all my experiences, alcohol has never done me a bit of good at all. It only leaves me in depression.
That said, I still haven't gotten enough motivation to go out and try to be social. It's tough when you don't drink alcohol and the only places to go and meet strangers with the express purpose of socializing are bars. I know people say "well drink more alcohol", but in all my experiences, alcohol has never done me a bit of good at all. It only leaves me in depression.
Atramental
Banned
Good.
Now that you are aware that being much more bitter and resentful doesn't do you any favors you now have more leverage to change your attitudes and beliefs about yourself.
Remember, each little personal victory builds upon itself and eventually snowballs into larger and larger personal victories.
And you say you're in a rut but don't worry about that too much. We all get stuck in ruts sometimes. To me a rut is just a plateau or a resting spot so that you can evaluate what you need to change or improve upon.
Do you drink coffee?
Well, technically I'm still in that rut that I've been in for a while now, ie. still looking for the first girl who'd want to date me. Don't have much to say for myself regarding that. Just that it's really really hard to meet people at my age without any real networks to utilize.
Coffee? Heh, nope. Coffee is another thing I've actively stayed away from. Caffeine doesn't agree with me either I'm afraid. I mostly drink water and milk, and some tea. Like I said in that other thread I made, I've made a point to drink as healthily as can be, so no soda's or other stuff.
Coffee? Heh, nope. Coffee is another thing I've actively stayed away from. Caffeine doesn't agree with me either I'm afraid. I mostly drink water and milk, and some tea. Like I said in that other thread I made, I've made a point to drink as healthily as can be, so no soda's or other stuff.
How many women have you asked out?
Based on this reply and what else I remember of you I still think you want it too much. It's a strange logic trap, but not wanting / needing it so bad, being happy just to talk to someone, get to know them, makes it easier. Zero expectations from the start really has helped me. Literally, expect nothing at all positive (but don't expect negative either).
Yeah, every one of my success stories has involved kino. Start with a touch of the elbow or shoulder, touching the hand. Walking somewhere I go for her arm, hand, or waist. Then getting more familiar we sit together and we're right up on each other, thighs, thigh rubbing, grabbing (I like thighs, ok?). Kissing / making out just before or after this. Then to breasts. As an adult then it's basically wide open unless she freaks out, I guess. Talking 1-3 date span there for that whole progression I think, but it will depend on many factors. I really think it is really important.
Bluntness depends on the girl, but usually it'll still take a bit of a delicate touch. I sort of guide a girl along. I'm not gonna be 'HAY LET'S DO SEX SOON OK?'. Usually I go to some lengths to avoid such a topic even if I'm well into kissing / touching.
I had 4 or 6 girls 'screw over' my confidence until the latest 4 boosted it extremely. That's just life. Take the hits, you'll land some of your own soon.
I'm not an alcohol fan at all either, but it doesn't hurt me. Online dating. You can go to Starbucks or coffee shops in general, restaurants. Personally I do think it's tricky if you're looking into another social sphere and you don't enjoy alcohol. Maybe meetup.com? Maybe just hang out places with things you like (video game stores). I'm not a pro at this phase, I rely heavily on online dating, just not exclusively.
Err sorry, didn't notice the second post where you say no coffee. Caffeine free tea? I don't know.
I wouldn't doubt I contacted in some manner about 100 girls before I hit where I am now.
Atramental
Banned
Frame this goal of yours in a different manner.
Instead of thinking "Who will date me?" think instead "Who do I want to date?"
By reframing this goal it gives you more personal power. And generally speaking, you can't really know if a girl wants to date you or not unless you go up to her first and make your intentions known to her. Once you've told a girl that you want to take her out then you just "sit back" and let her decide. At this point there shouldn't be any pressure on you because you've already done the hard part by asking this hypothetical girl out.
The pressure is now on the girl to make the decision of "Yeah, let's get together sometime." or "No thanks."
Now, you're probably going to tell me that you're not ready to ask any girls out yet but let me ask you this: If you knew you could not be rejected by any girl that you asked out would you still ask them out?
After 20 or so age becomes more of a state of mind and less of a number.
Even though I am only 21, I personally feel like I'm 30 because of my appearance, my lack of energy, and my unhealthy eating/sleeping habits but I'm trying to change that.
Also, weren't the people at the GAF meet-up around your age? Hell, you could probably find a couple of people on GAF that would hang out with you. Don't you live in or near San Fran?
What I was trying to get at with the whole "drink" angle is that where there are drinks and food there are people.
I have an account on OkCupid, but I'd much rather sort out myself in real life first. I know it can be used in conjunction, but I just generally don't like the hassle of it all.
Also speaking of gigs I did go to a gig on my own the other month, and although I thought it'd be weird it was actually somewhat refreshing.
How much longer do you have in school? I'm sure you can change things.
Thanks for the very solid advice man, I'll take it all on board.
I do have a habit of constantly putting myself down, and I've got to get over that.
The GAF meetup was an incredible amount of fun, and I'm definitely hoping to get another organised soon.
Definitely.
Going to classes is definitely something I aim to do this year, and I also hope to get a band together. Both of which should help with my confidence, whilst also being something I'd enjoy.
Anyway to all of you thanks for the solid input, it means a lot.
I think what I'm essentially going through is a quarter-life crisis, which is causing me to feel trapped and completely in a rut. It also doesn't help I'm lacking motivation and confidence as well, especially with my work.
Sadly I don't have many friends, nor do I have a job. However I am trying to change things, but occasionally I just let it get the better of me (like the other day).
I want to live a life of socialising and partying, because honestly, it barely happened before. Because of this I feel there's a hole inside me that can't be filled, and the fear of getting a job isn't helping either. My mind is constantly telling me from here on out my life is sitting at a desk doing something I only sometimes enjoy, and that I will not have the time to do anything I missed during college (the "college experience").
I've always struggled to speak to new people, and that's why I'm trying my hardest to go out as often as I can in evenings and what not. The problem is although I have a few friends who are willing to go out (to the same places), it's hard to find more friends to do things with. It probably doesn't help that most of the people I knew from college were introverts, which isn't surprising given what I studied. Because of this I barely went out during my college days.
Also a lot of this goes beyond dating of course, but in all honesty I'm not looking for a relationship just yet. What I am trying to do however is sort out my confidence/self-esteem issues, along with the many other issues I have at the moment.
There's just too much to think about at the moment.
I continuously look on meetup hoping I'll find something that'll interest me. So far not. I'm a part of some meetup groups but I can never attend events because they are usually "Happy Hour" stuff that involves bars/alcohol at times of day when I'm at work.
I have started thinking along those lines actually. There are girls I see when I'm outside whose personalities are just completely opposite of the kind of person I'd want to deal with, even though they may be pretty. And of course, I won't deal with super overweight people since that demonstrates a lack of moderation/control (and the fact I used to be overweight and conquered it). Though I do wonder if I'm being too choosy given my experience or lack thereof and aiming too high with "pie in sky" expectations or such.
Nothing ever came out of the GAF meetup. Only person who contacted me afterwards was ronito, but we couldn't figure out a means to hangout because he's got a conflicting work schedule and commute which takes him to the opposite ends of the Bay Area. No one else has gotten in touch with me from then. I just assume that the majority of them would rather not deal with me anymore based on my performance at the event where I likely came off as too creepy/uncomfortable around them, though it was because my anxiety/panic was flaring at the time. I can understand people not wanting to deal with people who have mental issues, I mean, advice here always states to avoid girls with them after all.
I go to restaurants and such. Never interact with anyone there though. I mean, how do you interact with people at these places with exceptions of the staff there? I was at another bar recently and just sat there waiting for something, but nothing happened. I even put my phone away just to remove an obstacle and tried to smile and look around. Again, nothing happened. Only thing I got out of it was a stomach ache from drinking a beer.
So yeah, I can't drink alcohol because I don't like it at all and it doesn't agree with me at all. Unfortunately it seems a lot of people won't deal with anyone who doesn't indulge in their ways. Hell, it's not like I'd ask them to even play videogames with me.
I see nothing but excuses in this post. You can't sit around and wait for external forces to make things to happen and expect your life will get better. You've been making posts like this for literally years and it doesn't look like anything has improved, and I'm sorry to see that. But honestly, you have to work out your own problems and learn how to love yourself before you can expect other people to be attracted to you (either romatically or just as friends). Please do yourself a favor and stop making excuses, find a good therapist, find things that you enjoy to do other than sitting around playing video games by yourself, figure out what you have to offer the world. If you don't, things will never get better. If you're not OK with things staying the same for the rest of your life, you have to make a SERIOUS effort to change it.
But I'm sure you've heard this same advice hundreds of times in these threads by now.
Atramental
Banned
Combine, if you want to know where I've been getting a lot of my advice from here it is:
Anthony Robbins Personal Power II: The Driving Force
You can probably find this set of CDs on ebay for a lot less but I highly recommend you check this program out (or any program that is similar to it).
I have to get back to my design projects but please, do yourself a huge favor and get this.
If there's one good thing that you take away from this thread let it be this 30 day program.
It's helping me out a ton and I'm confident it will help you out immensely.
Anthony Robbins Personal Power II: The Driving Force
You can probably find this set of CDs on ebay for a lot less but I highly recommend you check this program out (or any program that is similar to it).
I have to get back to my design projects but please, do yourself a huge favor and get this.
If there's one good thing that you take away from this thread let it be this 30 day program.
It's helping me out a ton and I'm confident it will help you out immensely.
*Massive facepalm* Dude, that's completely bullshit and you know it. I think you're in some serious denial. Devolution said that you were fine, Timedog said the same thing. What are you talking about? Nobody in the meet up judged you.
I mean sure they've been keeping up with your posts, but that didn't mean anything. It's completely normal to feel anxious when you're going to meet new people/ a social event; everyone does and it's a good feeling to have.
Raw Power has Asperger's. He went to the NYC GAF meet up in February. You think anybody (including myself) ostracized him just because of that? No. Jason didn't and he hanged out with him all day, H Protagonist sure as hell didn't, kccitystar didn't, Kisaya didn't, the other Gaffers didn't. Stop thinking like that man, seriously. I saw your picture in the group pic; you're a handsome guy.
As to the whole restaurant stuff, talking to the staff is just as good as talking to the patrons because it's still good practice; no pressure at all. Hell, throw yourself into the most uncomfortable social event you can imagine. At first, you're gonna feel uncomfortable (which is good), but then as you go to more uncomfortable events, you're going to get better at it until you start talking to and meeting people.
By the way, you don't have to consume alcohol when you go to a restaurant or a bar (most of the money they make is from alcoholic drinks for sure but that's besides the point). Just ask for a Coke, water, a Virgin Piña Collada; who gives a rat's ass what you drink? Alcohol is not needed to have fun at all.
Hell, I don't like drinking all that much; I only drink once in a blue moon when I go to a social gathering. You don't have to feel pressured to drink just because say other Gaffers are doing it. You wanna do something about your situation? Go to a launch party for a big video game that you're interested in; you'll be guaranteed to meet people for sure. Volunteer at a convention that San Francisco hosts (I worked at NYCC last year; met tons of people and had fun talking to attendees). Hell, volunteer somewhere that's similar to your interests; it's guaranteed to change your perception of how people perceive you. Stop making excuses for yourself; you're only hurting yourself even more in the process.
I joined a fraternity because I'm having a hard time meeting people at school. I'm pledging on Wednesday. Do I feel nervous? Absolutely; I've been avoiding the guys and whatnot. However it's gonna be a great investment in the long run because I get to meet guys and women.
I can't stress it enough how important it is that people who think negatively about themselves, never feel sorry for yourself. Start doing uncomfortable things, and you'll slowly start changing. Go social sky diving; do things that make you feel uncomfortable. Believe in yourself.
I highly recommend The Social Anxiety Workbook for anyone with social anxiety. It's a fantastic book with great exercises to do.
richardhawk
Member
I came back from that Asian bar gathering. Everyone there was spoke Chinese and I could sorta make out what people were saying. Most of the time I was getting by with English. I'm pretty sure the girl that was sitting next to me hates me since she always redirected me to someone else when I tried to talk to her.
I was able to catch up with this one chick and invited her out this sat. Only thing is she's 15 years older than me... wat to do
I was able to catch up with this one chick and invited her out this sat. Only thing is she's 15 years older than me... wat to do
I'm actually not feeling to bad about myself lately. But I was just explaining to you how things have generally gone the past few months or so. And yes, I've been seeing a therapist for some time now. She doesn't have a magic wand or anything that will change my life. When we talk about being social, she really has nothing much to offer, except to say that I just need to do something. I agree, it's just I haven't been able to find out what it is I should do. Plus, I've been struggling trying to control the physical issues caused by my anxiety/panic where it becomes impossible to function when those things flare up.
Thanks for the suggestion. But I've brought so many books like these over the years. I still haven't gotten to reading any of them, or at least, reading them all the way through.
It sure as hell doesn't feel like a "good feeling" to me. When I get that feeling, it feels like the biggest headache you can imagine combined with chest tightness and difficulty breathing. Would you like to feel some of that? Then come back and tell me it's a good feeling. The point I was making was that, nothing really came out of going to the GAF meetup. Sure I met people, but they were gone right after that. I don't know how long it has been since then, but nothing has changed from it. In the end, I'm still by myself. The only person who talks to me on a regular basis is Mr.City, but he's been doing so for years. And unfortunately, he lives in another part of the country.
See, it's much easier for people to talk to others online and say "oh yeah, you're great. I'd totally hang out with you if you were close by" and such, but when it comes down to it and they are close by, they suddenly become very quiet.
But hey, I sure as hell am not going to blame anyone for not hanging out with me or feel I'm "owed" something. Everyone has their own choices of who they wish to hang out with, and I can accept that I likely would not be placed in most peoples favorites list.
Still figuring that out. I don't have much of a list yet. I'm not particularly good at anything and I have yet to discover some "special gift" or talent that would set me apart from someone else. The only thing I can think of that makes me unique is well, this whole dating-age thread and my own "talent" to have escaped having any social circle my whole life.
It's kind of a tricky business. Doing uncomfortable things creates anxiety which causes me to not believe in myself during those moments due to the physical pressure that it puts on me. It is so easy during those moments to just run away from it all or try to become invisible, since I'm also not thinking straight during those times due to the haze I'm in thanks to the headache. When you say to do something like social sky diving, sure it's the most extreme example you could probably think of, but when I hear that, I don't see what it even means, since I'd never do something like that to begin with (aint putting my life at risk).
Hey, that's me too! High-five to unique!! oh wait...
Atramental
Banned
I normally don't say this but FORGET ABOUT THE BOOKS.
Reading has its place but not in your current situation.
This program actually gives you advice with an emotional kick to it, hands on mental exercises & techniques, and daily assignments.
You need something that's going to engage your mind and keep you motivated. And you'll actually feel like you've accomplished something when you complete a daily assignment.
Do not brush this off.
Remember! I was the guy who made this thread: http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=406859
I have come so far from that point thanks to this program.
Easier said than done for some. By nature some people are shy or don't have an Alpha personality. Takes time to ease into such situations, but a good way to do it is working retail since it forces you to talk with customers.
That's good to hear you're working on it proactively. Just try to keep an open mind about it, then, and don't get too down on yourself. You can't meet people going to restaurants by yourself and waiting for something to happen to you. You need to get involved with people who are interested in the same things that you are. If you don't know what that is, you need to figure it out. It's good that you went to a GAF meetup, and I'm sorry you felt it didn't go well for you. It sounds like you're almost expecting people to come up to you and beg you to be their friend. If nobody reached out to you after the event, you could always try to extend some effort yourself, you know? It isn't likely that your perception of what people think of you matches the reality, and even if in the unlikely event everyone hates you because you're quiet and awkward, it is something you can work on and improve over time. You haven't severed any relationships permanently.
easiest way to do it is realize you have nothing to lose.
Almond
Member
Way easier said than done.
Not necessarily, I worked in retail for about 3 years and never talked unless I had to, even as a cashier. It might work for some, but not everyone. Everyone struggling is going to have something different work for them.
grap3fruitman
Banned
Hello thread, how are you?
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
Why buy books if you don't read them?
HarryHengst
Member
To impress girls with your amazing collection of hardcover classics of course. Nothing gets a girl more hot than a leather bound first edition of War & Peace.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
But his post makes it sound like self-help and dating guides.
Beer Monkey
Member
Women are all girls. Men are all boys. There are base instincts that never really go away no matter how much we mature.
Nothing fake about it here. You really can't tell for sure if you are interested in somebody long term until you know them for a while. I don't approach women that have something about their looks, speech, mannerisms, etc. that I know would be a problem long term. The other, less superficial stuff can't really be measured without spending months together at a minimum.
And for the most part you really can't turn somebody cynical. The world as a whole is way rougher than any of us as individuals unless you are some kind of psychopath or sociopath.
Your therapist is right and if I were her I'd be frustrated with you too. Listen, none of the advice that either I nor anyone in this thread can give you is going to help you. You need to help yourself ultmately. We're just trying to give you some tough love.
Company loves misery (I'm talking to you too Kinggi; please stop being such a Negative Nancy and supporting this type of behavior; your posts are great on the Gaming side, but on OT, it's the complete opposite). I give up trying to give you advice.
The whole point of putting yourself in an uncomfortable situation is to make you feel comfortable. Social sky diving means taking a risk just like any major or minor decision in life. Again, help yourself man and please stop coming into the thread with negativity.
I just want to know one question: Why did you go to the meet up if you knew that you were going to freeze up just by meeting strangers from the internet? Why didn't you stay home so that you wouldn't have to experience these severe feelings?
Dude, in Dominican Spanish we have a word for these type of people. They're called pariguayos . I think everyone wants you to elaborate more on this. It's better to throw oneself out there and make conversation as trial by fire (although it is nice to see a pro do it every once in a while). Tell them your process on how you initiate conversation with women at social gatherings so people can better idea about what you're talking about.
Well I do begin to read them, but they just cannot hold my attention. It probably didn't help that, for the most part, I was not agreeing at all with what I was reading, as it kind of sounded corny/cheesy/lame the way it was being presented.
Hmm, I'm sorry you're taking everything I'm saying as negative. I'm merely explaining away my situation. Just laying out the facts is all I am doing. If the facts don't paint a pretty picture, well, they probably weren't supposed to.
I went to the meetup because I figured it might be an opportunity to meet people. Perhaps I let my expectations get out of hand. I also thought that I could keep my anxiety under control. Unfortunately I was wrong on both counts.
How about I save you the trouble then and flat out state that that sort of thing doesn't work on me. Mr.City can verify that.
No need to apologize; you must stop taking going to every social event so badly. I see a glimmer hope in that sentence. You went because you wanted to meet people; the same reason other Gaffers go to meet ups. Enough said.
I like any other Gaffer in this thread would like to see you make some kind of progress instead of wallowing in self-despair and pity be it sitting in a bar for 10 minutes; any kind of small progress. It's the same reason you were banned in the first place. You can do it; you just don't believe you can.
It's like similar to the advice that was given to The Last Wizard: he (like anyone else) can't assume that all good looking women are taken. In your case, you can't assume that all people think that you're weird or that nobody wants to talk to you.
Again, Mr.City can't help you and he knows you personally, your therapist can't help you, we here in the Dating-Age thread certainly can't help you; you need to help yourself. It's up to you to decide whether or not you want to change. If it means that you have to give up GAF to do that, then so be it. Thanks for answering my question; I appreciate your sincerity.
- Status