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Being nice to others because it makes you feel good? Am I a bad person?

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F

Fudgepuppy

Banned
All my life people have been saying "Oh you're such a nice person, you care about people, you show empathy and you never try to hurt others". The thing is, I've always had terrible self-esteem. I haven't allowed a compliment my entire life, I always make excuses. Because of this, I've always been nice to others as a way to make sure that I don't become alone. To make sure that people don't dislike me, but also because it's been the only way I can feel satisfied with my actions.

As soon as someone needs help with something, I'm there, like if it's a quest from an NPC in Fallout.

I do feel empathy, and I do nice acts that I don't really have anything to gain from, but I'm currently going through a bit of a personal crisis and I'm trying to figure out who I am.

Recently, I realized most people don't call me or seem to put any effort into my well-being. After months of going through anger and sadness over this, I just realized these people just aren't my close friends and I've decided to focus my energy on people that do make me happy and that do care for me. But the whole experience has shaken me and I've went from being a guy that felt loved by everyone, to being almost completely alone. Changing workplaces didn't help either. I've always looked for confirmation by others, which when receiving, I promptly deny.

But then there's the big catalyst in all of this, and that is that I about half a year ago hurt my friend terribly without apologizing for months. At that point, she'd been broken by my dismissive behavior and told me how she couldn't stand me anymore.

We've since reconciled and she has told me she don't want to lose me as a friend, but that she doubts she will be able to completely forgive me.

I'm not going to say what happened out of respect for her.

Went a bit off a rant here, but tl;dr: I'm having a personal crisis. I've always thought of myself as being a nice person because others tell me so, but I don't believe them because I'm very often nice as a survival instinct towards not being alone and insane.
 
M

Matty77

Member
It does not make you a bad person, and when you cut all the shit even the most selfless people are doing it out of selfish reasons, ie it makes them feel good, and if that makes you feel good you're really the opposite of a bad person.

However I think your issue goes a bit deeper and while your niceness is not bad it's not selfish either and probably not healthy.

I think the best advice here would be to see a professional, even if it's just a therapist, not only could it help you with this, but having a sounding board especially one who is trained can actually be helpful when trying to find ones self.

Just my opinon.
 
Ray Wonder

Ray Wonder

Founder of the Wounded Tagless Children
I think if being nice to other people made you feel bad, you would be a bad person.
 
C

ClosingADoor

Member
It's good. Don't let people walk over you and expect you to be nice. Certainly not when they show no effort in helping you out when you need it. This is a good thing, since now you know who your real friends are.
 
F

Foffy

Banned
People are inherently selfish. That doesn't mean one is expected to throw people under the bus, but all actions come from the position of the individual projected outward. As such, anybody who does things to feel good is being absolutely selfish. Any action one does cannot escape that inner-to-outer paradigm.

The tightrope is to not let it be a vice. If it becomes a means to an end, it becomes a mess no matter what you do. Do you feel what you do is like that?
 
Monocle

Monocle

Member
Self-interest is a pretty major component of most people's actions, whether we realize it or not. At least you aren't a habitual jerk.
 
S

Spartacus

Member
Being nice to others can also be considered egoistic. You only do it because it makes you feel better about yourself. If you look at it like this, than anything you do is based on a egoistic motive. This isn't a bad thing, it is how things work. nobody does things that make them feel bad (in the short term).

Being egoistic isn't always a bad thing, you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. This requires a certain amount of egoistic behaviour, and is not a bad thing at all.

Do whatever makes you feel good, don't expect anything in return and avoid people that make you feel bad. Don't make things harder than they have to be.
 
I

InfiniteBento

Member
You must learn to love yourself. You aren't a bad person what so ever but its a very difficult thing to care so deeply for others and never give yourself any affection. Loving yourself gives you the strength to love others more fully and greatly helps with perspective.
 
S

Skinpop

Member
it depends on what the trade off for being "nice" is. If you come off as a push over who is scared of making your own decisions people will lose respect for you.
 
R

ronito

Member
I travel a lot and someone I was travelling with asked me for my #1 travel tip. I told him it was simple, "Be nice to everyone."

He asked why and I told him that you never know, being nice to the people on your plane aisle and they might let you go ahead of them to catch your connection. Being nice to the hotel staff gets you better rooms.

They had said I was a terrible person. A terrible person that doesn't miss connections and gets nice hotel rooms perhaps.
 
J

John Kowalski

Banned
Here's how i think about it OP. Everything's a trade. All your interactions are an exchange of some kind, money for services, talk for networking, touching for companionship, smiling at someone to make them feel better, which itself makes you feel better. And generally trades that make people feel better about themselves are always good, regardless of who they are.

As to your point of feeling lonely, i've felt the same and went through a similarly arduous process of nihilistic depression because i had by myself come upon the notion of ethical egotism, and being someone who had little to no motivation to act in self interest it took me a long time to digest it. But thankfully after a long while i decided that that just wasn't true. Self interest is just one way of reading what's happening, and a particularly faulty one. People put themselves constantly in situations where they act solely in the interest of another person, often because watching someone in distress upsets them enough to act altruistically, and accepting that feeling of letting yourself come to be uncomfortable and drawn to helping someone is acting for the good of others. You let yourself care, you let yourself be drawn to help, you let yourself depend on them. Love basically. Love for those you meet daily, for your SO, for people lacking the skill to act by themselves, for everyone. That's what's deep inside all of us.

It's easier to do this when your self esteem tells you that they're inherently worth more than you. But that doesn't matter. If you know hardship and pain it's easier to be kind to others, and i'd wager that's exactly why it comes so naturally to you. Kindness isn't a weakness.

I always thought, be good. If you're in severe hardship yourself, it doesn't matter. It helps you be even better at helping others. Work on yourself if it can make you better for others as well. Whoever you are, whatever makes you, make it work for the best of others who need it

Somebody better quote this fucking post i swear to god if i wrote this all for nothing i'm quitting the internet.
 
C

Currygan

at last, for christ's sake
I think we all do, to some extent. Only a few enlightened people achieve total dedication to the well-being of others
 
C

CrimzonSamurai

Member
Currygan said:
I think we all do, to some extent. Only a few enlightened people achieve total dedication to the well-being of others
Click to expand...

In stories maybe, nobody has ever actually been this way in real life. Even the Dalai Lama is just a political figurehead trying to churn up sympathy for Tibet.
 
W

Wellscha

Member
Being nice is an amazing trait, OP. Be proud of yourself. However, as a rule of thumb you need to realize a few things in order to live a fulfilling life: No person you'll ever meet is going to be as nice as you toward you as you are toward them. Never expect reciprocation from the people you went out of your way to help them. Otherwise, you won't have many friends.

And be careful, OP. Don't be a doormat, you'll be surprised how some will take advantage of you. Heck, I bet you already experienced that.
 
G

Goliath

Member
No your not a bad person because you enjoy helping people, forming bonds and creating a social circle.

However you sound like your a people pleaser. The problem with this is that most people are not GOOD friends. Most people are great associates but very few people will be there for you when you need them. Since I moved around a lot I learned early on that friendships change every time something dramatically new happens. Your friends group that you had when you and them were single will change when everyone gets in a relationship and their prioritize their time. The same when people move, get married, get a new job, have kids, etc.

Be a good friend, listen to people, care but don't be that person that is ALWAYS available for people. You just end up getting used by everyone and only a small amount of people will return the favor. Prioritize which of your friends you will sacrifice time and effort for and focus on them. Everyone else just enjoy in social settings.
 
The Elite

The Elite

BOSS
It's better than shaming someone to make yourself feel better about yourself.

You still helped someone at the end of the day.
 
F

Fritz

Member
Altruism doesn't exist. In the end we are nice because we believe it is the right thing to do (thus being egoistic about it)
 
C

CrimzonSamurai

Member
Fritz said:
Altruism doesn't exist. In the end we are nice because we believe it is the right thing to do (thus being egoistic about it)
Click to expand...

Altruism exists under the expectation of reciprocity.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reciprocal_altruism

841px-Reciprocal_altruism_summary.svg.png
Click to expand...
 
B

bidguy

Banned
sounds like youre a doormat

next time someone calls for help, think about this. is it actually beneficial FOR YOU or what can you gain from helping them

not talking about life or death situtations mind you
 
A

Aureon

Please do not let me serve on a jury. I am actually a crazy person.
Long, long time ago, nature selected species which feel going helping their kind, for they were likelier to survive.
We call this altruism. It's only natural, and you shouldn't be ashamed of it - you should be proud of it.

Fritz said:
Altruism doesn't exist. In the end we are nice because we believe it is the right thing to do (thus being egoistic about it)
Click to expand...

Altruism exists, and is easily explained in evolutionary theory: Species, as a whole, which tend to collaborate have a better chance at survival.
This goes double in altruism directed to one's children.
 
Cyber Caesar

Cyber Caesar

Member
Try to reduce human suffering where ever you see it. Also take your own peace into consideration. The world could use more empathy.
 
Z

zeemumu

Member
Being nice to others is fine. But there is a point where it can become self-destructive if you start putting others before yourself at ALL times. I have problems with this too. I always valued other people's well-being more than myself and was nice to everyone, and I would always get the "you're so nice" comment, to which I'd usually respond with "thank you, I try." But it started getting to a point where I was turning myself into a doormat just to make others happy because of a crippling fear of being alone, which slowly kills me over time. You're not selfish if you're not there for everyone all the time if it's stressful for you.
 
D

DoktorEvil

Banned
John Kowalski said:
Here's how i think about it OP. Everything's a trade. All your interactions are an exchange of some kind, money for services, talk for networking, touching for companionship, smiling at someone to make them feel better, which itself makes you feel better. And generally trades that make people feel better about themselves are always good, regardless of who they are.

As to your point of feeling lonely, i've felt the same and went through a similarly arduous process of nihilistic depression because i had by myself come upon the notion of ethical egotism, and being someone who had little to no motivation to act in self interest it took me a long time to digest it. But thankfully after a long while i decided that that just wasn't true. Self interest is just one way of reading what's happening, and a particularly faulty one. People put themselves constantly in situations where they act solely in the interest of another person, often because watching someone in distress upsets them enough to act altruistically, and accepting that feeling of letting yourself come to be uncomfortable and drawn to helping someone is acting for the good of others. You let yourself care, you let yourself be drawn to help, you let yourself depend on them. Love basically. Love for those you meet daily, for your SO, for people lacking the skill to act by themselves, for everyone. That's what's deep inside all of us.

It's easier to do this when your self esteem tells you that they're inherently worth more than you. But that doesn't matter. If you know hardship and pain it's easier to be kind to others, and i'd wager that's exactly why it comes so naturally to you. Kindness isn't a weakness.

I always thought, be good. If you're in severe hardship yourself, it doesn't matter. It helps you be even better at helping others. Work on yourself if it can make you better for others as well. Whoever you are, whatever makes you, make it work for the best of others who need it

Somebody better quote this fucking post i swear to god if i wrote this all for nothing i'm quitting the internet.
Click to expand...

post-39837-chuck-norris-thumbs-up-gif-Img-rG6n.gif


OP, everyone is self-interested. Just don't be a doormat and you'll be alright.
 
Astral Dog

Astral Dog

Member
You will learn to know that being nice feels good, but most people wont be your true friends, you need to put yourself above others sometimes, otherwise they may take advantage of you or hurt you.

And you will be miserable, need to work on your self esteem inmediatly, im talking from personal experience
 
N

NotLiquid

Member
I can relate a lot to what you're writing. I try to be accommodating as possible due to my self esteem being kind of garbage, and I kind of end up despising myself in the face of adversity. I have an innate fear of disappointing so it's overall hampered a lot of the way I approach stuff in communities and my own social circles. Because of these hurdles I generally feel like I've managed to make it easy to be entirely forgettable, and some great friends I've had have been dwindling simply because I'm just not trying hard enough.

That said, fear is the mind killer. This is something you end up having to build a kind of resistance to. I'm still trying. It's a slow process but it's always best to live life to it's fullest. You can't expect things to be done for you and you gotta accept that sometimes you'll fall into hurdles no matter how hard you try. Ultimately, it's impossible to please everyone.

You're not a bad person. It's always better to fail for having tried than failing for not having tried at all. Respect your efforts, and you will be at a much better place mentally.
 
C

Curiocity

Member
I went through the self deprecation thing with my artwork. One friend did this: she would compliment my sketch, and if I tried to say no instead of thank you, she smacked me on the head. Rinse and repeat.

Thing is, when people try to compliment or uplift you, accepting it makes -them- feel good. It gives them affirmation as much as it does you. (In the case of artwork, compliment-blocking means you have effectively insulted their taste by saying "no, that thing you like isn't good.") Eventually, the habit WILL reverse, and you can accept support graciously. Even start to feel good about yourself. And if you still disagree with the compliment, there are ways to say so: "Thanks. I still feel like I have a lot to work on, but I appreciate it."
 
F

Fritz

Member
Aureon said:
Long, long time ago, nature selected species which feel going helping their kind, for they were likelier to survive.
We call this altruism. It's only natural, and you shouldn't be ashamed of it - you should be proud of it.



Altruism exists, and is easily explained in evolutionary theory: Species, as a whole, which tend to collaborate have a better chance at survival.
This goes double in altruism directed to one's children.
Click to expand...

I was coming from a philosophical standpoint, you're talking about biological altruism. That kind of altruism is still ultimately egoistic.
 
A

Aureon

Please do not let me serve on a jury. I am actually a crazy person.
Fritz said:
I was coming from a philosophical standpoint, you're talking about biological altruism. That kind of altruism is still ultimately egoistic.
Click to expand...

I think that the biological sentiment of "I don't care what happens to me, as long as my family\society\species benefits" is the purest form of altruism.
 
M

maomaoIYP

Member
claviertekky said:
EkHIhB4.jpg
Click to expand...

Holy shit this fucking quote ;_;
RIP Robin.

To contribute: I'm nice to people I care about, but usually only to people I care about because
1) I know what it feels like to not be cared about; and
2) I want to feel wanted

Sometimes it makes me feel like a bad person and sometimes like a pathetic person but I can't help myself.
 
F

Fudgepuppy

Banned
The thought of loving yourself without "substantial evidence from others" is just so foreign to me.

Good thing I'm meeting a psychiatrist tomorrow.
 
E

ersocaster

Member
I'm in the same boat as you. I started being nice because I was afraid to lose people. I used to contemplate faking my death so I could see what people said about me and to see who came to my funeral.

Now? After being nice for these reasons for 12 years, I do it now out of habit. Sometimes I hate it, sometimes it makes me feel good, but I always do it. So I do not regret the initial reasons.

The low self-esteem and inability to take a compliment are still there though. You should have seen my request for a raise. Hint: It started with "I don't think I deserve this, but..."
 
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