Fudgepuppy
Banned
All my life people have been saying "Oh you're such a nice person, you care about people, you show empathy and you never try to hurt others". The thing is, I've always had terrible self-esteem. I haven't allowed a compliment my entire life, I always make excuses. Because of this, I've always been nice to others as a way to make sure that I don't become alone. To make sure that people don't dislike me, but also because it's been the only way I can feel satisfied with my actions.
As soon as someone needs help with something, I'm there, like if it's a quest from an NPC in Fallout.
I do feel empathy, and I do nice acts that I don't really have anything to gain from, but I'm currently going through a bit of a personal crisis and I'm trying to figure out who I am.
Recently, I realized most people don't call me or seem to put any effort into my well-being. After months of going through anger and sadness over this, I just realized these people just aren't my close friends and I've decided to focus my energy on people that do make me happy and that do care for me. But the whole experience has shaken me and I've went from being a guy that felt loved by everyone, to being almost completely alone. Changing workplaces didn't help either. I've always looked for confirmation by others, which when receiving, I promptly deny.
But then there's the big catalyst in all of this, and that is that I about half a year ago hurt my friend terribly without apologizing for months. At that point, she'd been broken by my dismissive behavior and told me how she couldn't stand me anymore.
We've since reconciled and she has told me she don't want to lose me as a friend, but that she doubts she will be able to completely forgive me.
I'm not going to say what happened out of respect for her.
Went a bit off a rant here, but tl;dr: I'm having a personal crisis. I've always thought of myself as being a nice person because others tell me so, but I don't believe them because I'm very often nice as a survival instinct towards not being alone and insane.
As soon as someone needs help with something, I'm there, like if it's a quest from an NPC in Fallout.
I do feel empathy, and I do nice acts that I don't really have anything to gain from, but I'm currently going through a bit of a personal crisis and I'm trying to figure out who I am.
Recently, I realized most people don't call me or seem to put any effort into my well-being. After months of going through anger and sadness over this, I just realized these people just aren't my close friends and I've decided to focus my energy on people that do make me happy and that do care for me. But the whole experience has shaken me and I've went from being a guy that felt loved by everyone, to being almost completely alone. Changing workplaces didn't help either. I've always looked for confirmation by others, which when receiving, I promptly deny.
But then there's the big catalyst in all of this, and that is that I about half a year ago hurt my friend terribly without apologizing for months. At that point, she'd been broken by my dismissive behavior and told me how she couldn't stand me anymore.
We've since reconciled and she has told me she don't want to lose me as a friend, but that she doubts she will be able to completely forgive me.
I'm not going to say what happened out of respect for her.
Went a bit off a rant here, but tl;dr: I'm having a personal crisis. I've always thought of myself as being a nice person because others tell me so, but I don't believe them because I'm very often nice as a survival instinct towards not being alone and insane.