• Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.

When your heart is breaking, but it shouldn't be.

Status
Not open for further replies.
F

Fudgepuppy

Banned
This is a pretty long story that I've written in parts in the mental health thread, but I'm going to try and keep it shorter so I can get to the point.

So bit of a backstory, I'm sort of a mess, well not entirely but almost. I have really low confidence and I base a lot of my future happiness on finding someone, what's stopping me is ironically my low confidence. It's sort of an evil circle where I can never close any deals and then find myself during my darkest periods just realizing ”It's all just me, what the fuck am I complaining about when its up to me to change things”.

So this way of thinking led to this really chaotic situation.

This girl at work, sent an e-mail asking for a place to stay for the week while visiting our office. I offered since I had the house to myself.

So she comes, we have a great time, I'm a pretty damn great host, especially as she got pretty sick during a couple of days, during which I made pretty sure she was comfortable. This whole thing was just me wanting to be nice to someone because I like being appreciated, but also because I had zero intentions of doing anything with her as I didn't want to put her in an uncomfortable situation. Like me asking her to come to my house, then using that as a way to get with her, it just didn't sit right with me. It might've been stupid and just a part of me imagining things, but that's just the way things went. I don't regret it, we still had a great time. We watched a lot of movies, talked a lot and just got to know each other.

She goes home and we text a lot, she's telling me she wants to get back as she hates her city and all the stress it brings. She then comes a month later during her vacation, and I meet her at my friend's cabin where we are all staying over the night, drinking, swimming, sauna etc etc.

A co-worker from work starts to tell me I need to go for her, I'm somewhat drunk and feel confident, so I go for it. The rest of the night is filled with romantic situations like her lying in my lap when in the sauna, or us swimming nude. I try to ”close the deal”, but I suspect she's just passively accepting all the things, like she's being coerced into lying in my lap, hugging etc etc.

I look back on the evening and know I should've been more to the point, but I'm bad at this stuff.

So then, as the night is about to end, I go out to take a piss, and then come inside to see her sitting next to my friend who's got his arm around her. I'm pretty distraught and pissed off. She goes to get something, and I tell him like jokingly ”Well looks like you won”. My friend is a pretty practical and special kind of guy, so his reaction is basically ”If you feel like shit, I want you to call me because we are good friends”. He says this because he knows I'm sad about the situation. I then go to the kitchen, and when I come back they've gone to bed together.

The following weeks are filled with me just being an emotional wreck occasionally getting high on sleeping-pills, as I try to find out what's going on between them. With her to a certain degree, and probably unknowingly, using me for the emotional comfort he doesn't give her. It all culminates with me just telling her I need my space, and that I want us to be in each other's lives in the future as we were and probably will be good friends. I'm honest about it, as I remember her the best when we were just chilling around, with no intentions what so ever of it being a romantic situation.

Things kind of die down, she goes home, I meet her when I'm on my vacation in her city (I have family and friends there so it wasn't because of her I went there) etc. She talks about wanting to move to our city, which is understandable with her stress and her being in love with my friend. All this time, me and my friend are actually good friends. We hang out a lot and I don't hold him accountable for them falling in love with each other. She's not the kind of person that falls in love with people (so she says) but that this time it's different, and I can tell by the look in her eyes. I want her to be happy, so I realize I just have to accept it all. I realize we wouldn't have been good together, and that I only liked her because I liked being a good host to her.

And yet, today, I see her cryptically writing on facebook about her life becoming so much better, and I realize it's probably her sealing the deal and moving to our city, to be with my friend. My reaction is just a gut-punch, I feel like my heart is being drained, and I hate myself.

I KNOW it was never a thing, that I was the problem and that it's my broken confidence and point of view that's the reason I'm hurting.

Why? Why is my heart hurting when it shouldn't be? I know we would be awful together, and I know which parts of my being are responsible for me leading to this shitty feeling. I know it's all up to me to get better, and I intend to make things better.

Until then I just fel like writing this off my chest.

Tl;Dr: I ”fall in love” with a girl because of me being inexperienced, fragile and broken. This girl falls for my friend and now she's probably going to move here and my heart is still breaking, despite me knowing it shouldn't be. Despite me knowing all of my fears are based on ridiculous notions like ”Nobody likes me” or ”People think I'm worthless”.

I'm definitely getting better by the day at becoming a better person. I'm less self-conscious, less anxious, less awkward, more confident but most of all I'm more insightful. I know it's up to me, that life can't get any better if I end it or decide to stand still, and that it's time to change things.

With that out of the way, why do our hearts hurt, when they shouldn't?

EDIT. And I just realized I didn't keep it short, but fuck it.
 
F

Future PhaZe

Member
Fuck em both until you learn to forget that shit.

Work on yourself, heal, find another chick and before you know it you'll give zero fucks about this situation.
 
F

Fudgepuppy

Banned
Plywood said:
Just cause you can recognize your feelings it doesn't mean you can control them.
Click to expand...

I'm questioning why I even have them.

It's sort of like me being pissed off at not getting a cake a couple of months ago when I today know that said cake tastes like shit.
 
J

JB1981

Member
You snooze you lose. Chalk it up to a lesson learned and put your energy into finding another great girl. There are many out there! Stop pining over a relationship that existed only in your mind.
 
W

wenis

Registered for GAF on September 11, 2001.
Fudgepuppy said:
With that out of the way, why do our hearts hurt, when they shouldn't?
Click to expand...

Sounds like you learned something about yourself here and sometimes those lessons hurt, but you take them, learn from them and become a better person because of them.

Perhaps it wasn't your time, but now you have a clearer idea of what you want in a partner in the future and how you should be more direct and open to these situations and chances that seemingly fall into your lap from time to time.

So take your time to think about this time and what you want to do going forward. This tough part is over. You'll have other people, chances and times to fret over or celebrate because you found what makes your heart happy instead of sad.

Tomorrow is a new day with a whole bunch of new experiences. Don't forget that.
 
R

Resilient

Member
Making mistakes is the best way to learn with this type of stuff. Take everything that has come from this, including the heart break you feel, and use it as a reminder of what not to do in the future. Sometimes you miss an opportunity to start something more with a person but that's ok. Accept that she's found happiness with somebody else (which you've done).

I will add though that you should try to make your life better yourself, rather than being dependant on somebody else making it better for you. It will make this stuff a lot easier.
 
F

Fudgepuppy

Banned
Resilient said:
I will add though that you should try to make your life better yourself, rather than being dependant on somebody else making it better for you. It will make this stuff a lot easier.
Click to expand...

I know all of this comes from me not allowing my ego to grow. I have no confidence in anything I do because I keep making excuses for others as to why they are wrong in complimenting me.

For the past couple of days I've just been thinking "You know what, I'm great" whenever I realize what my 14-year old me thought I would be at my age.

It's sort of creepy, like a power-trip where you just find yourself looking in the mirror and just loving everything you see.

I guess it's a start, maybe even a beginning
towards becoming a super-villain
.

;)
 
highrider

highrider

Banned
Maybe work on yourself a bit, with hook ups but not getting serious about anybody. Do some things that build your self confidence. For me, working at something I love and improving helps me feel good about myself, I also like helping people, but everybody is different.

I think when confidence is low our ability to make sound decisions is compromised. You'll continue to look to others to fulfill what you lack, and it inevitably disappoints.

Good luck, remember it's a life building practice. It never ends. I didn't gain much genuine confidence until I was in my 30's.
 
N

Necromanti

Member
Considering the effect your feelings for her had on you after only a month or so, maybe it's for the better. A learning experience. I don't know how healthy that relationship would have ended up being if that had carried on for a longer period of time.
 
A

akira28

Member
I guess don't put so much hope into people. Meet them on an even playing field first, feel them out, get to know them before you even play that "love at first sight" jazz. It just looks like you get your hopes up so high, unnecessarily high, and it crashes when it only should have been a 'chance', really. So if things don't go how you hoped, it doesn't just wreck you like this.

And are you looking for a lifemate, or just company that could turn into something more? Lower the stakes and maybe you won't feel so anxious.
 
F

Fudgepuppy

Banned
Necromanti said:
Considering the effect your feelings for her had on you after only a month or so, maybe it's for the better. A learning experience. I don't know how healthy that relationship would have ended up being if that had carried on for a longer period of time.
Click to expand...

Could also be me being bitter.

The stuff I used to find adorable about her I now find repulsive to a certain degree. :p
 
D

Devil Theory

Member
Resilient said:
I will add though that you should try to make your life better yourself, rather than being dependant on somebody else making it better for you. It will make this stuff a lot easier.
Click to expand...

I believe at the end of the day this is what needs to happen for most people. I recall feeling like this many times, expressing to my family or others that until I found "the one" (or sometimes, anyone), I wouldn't feel true happiness or contentment within my life or future.

It wasn't until years later after my career started to blossom and I began to have and create bigger and greater goals for myself and my life. When you have large goals that mean something to you, whether you do them with a woman or not is irrelevant, because you need to complete them no matter what. Through this process I began to have more confidence in myself and my personal abilities because success kept coming; and that confidence is a natural addition you don't notice until it spills over into your personal life and you see it's actual effects: dating more casually, being stronger and more outgoing in social groups, taking control, etc.

You need to plan for yourself with the vision of being alone -- and happy about it. What's your dream job? Where are the top 10 places around the world you'd like to live? What're the top 50 places you want to visit? What's your dream home look like, and how do you picture obtaining it? How many women could you go out with if you went to Brazil for a week?

Seems somewhat silly, but this sort of exercise made me envision and plan with clarity what I really wanted in my life, and what's important. Once you find out what's truly important to you, not some arbitrary thing someone else views as important, you can find happiness and growth with or without someone, because you get hungry for the progress to those goals, and you have a real purpose.
 
F

Fudgepuppy

Banned
There's this girl at work I'm really into, and I've taken her out for dinner once, but since I didn't seal the deal that time either, nothing took off. I've been trying to redo it, but she's always busy.

At this point I don't know if I should just let it go or just go balls in and just command her to go out with me, get drunk and get frisky.
 
P

Plywood

NeoGAF's smiling token!
Fudgepuppy said:
There's this girl at work I'm really into, and I've taken her out for dinner once, but since I didn't seal the deal that time either, nothing took off. I've been trying to redo it, but she's always busy.

At this point I don't know if I should just let it go or just go balls in and just command her to go out with me, get drunk and get frisky.
Click to expand...
Let it go.

Also, what do you mean by seal the deal?
 
M

maomaoIYP

Member
I feel for you OP, my heart would have broken into a million pieces if I was in your position. My advice to you is this: Is it worth losing your friend over a non-relationship with this girl? If it is, screw them both and cut them out of your life. But if it's not, take the high road and stay friends with them, but don't let the girl use you for an emotional crutch.
 
F

Fudgepuppy

Banned
Plywood said:
Let it go.

Also, what do you mean by seal the deal?
Click to expand...

Kiss, hug, the usual.

As it was, I took her out to dinner, we then spent an hour walking a long the shore talking, then I just sent her off on a bus waving.

I guess I should let it go, don't really want to, but things went the way they went, not much to change that.

maomaoIYP said:
I feel for you OP, my heart would have broken into a million pieces if I was in your position. My advice to you is this: Is it worth losing your friend over a non-relationship with this girl? If it is, screw them both and cut them out of your life. But if it's not, take the high road and stay friends with them, but don't let the girl use you for an emotional crutch.
Click to expand...

No, I'd rather be friends with him than her at this point, but I'm really dreading having them over at my place, snuggling in my couch while we're watching a movie.
 
V

vikki

Member
Sorry about your situation OP. I don't know how to tell you that you have to be comfortable with yourself and the idea of you going after a woman, I was lucky enough that my first gf was more outgoing than me.

If you ever get a signal from a girl that you can interpret as an invitation, jump on it. Even if you misunderstand a signal, don't ever feel bad for doing this, it's a learning experience and you are good enough for anyone, so you should never feel bad for wanting it and going after it.

Forget about the girl, it feels bad, but that ship has sailed.
 
A

akachan ningen

Member
. The rest of the night is filled with romantic situations like her lying in my lap when in the sauna, or us swimming nude. I try to ”close the deal”, but I suspect she's just passively accepting all the things, like she's being coerced into lying in my lap, hugging etc etc.
Click to expand...

Explain this more. What do you mean coerced?
 
F

Fudgepuppy

Banned
akachan ningen said:
Explain this more. What do you mean coerced?
Click to expand...

She's admitted that she's overly flirty, so when we're in the sauna, she sits next to me, I then like pull her in and she then lies in my lap, she lies there for the rest of it, and us swimming was because all of us did so in between the sauna.

She was basically passive to everything I did, just going along with me hugging her, kissing her on the cheek, stroking her legs etc etc.
 
R

ReturnOfTheRAT

Member
The mind often gets in the way. We over think stuff and at the end of the day realize all the mistakes, mistakes brought about by a voice in our head that makes you afraid of failure. It's something that many of us need to get past. For the times when you get something like that handed to you on a platter, it's ultimately up to you (me) as the individual to take the initiative and seal the deal. Will you always succeed? nope. I had a mess like that last year and it broke for about a day. It sucks. But if you never tried, how can you grow as a person? We all make mistakes. We can learn from those mistakes. As long was we're still above ground we will have the chance to try to do things differently You'll get over it and when you do, you'll be a better person because of it.

Don't let the fear of failure hold you back in any facet of life.
 
A

akachan ningen

Member
Fudgepuppy said:
She's admitted that she's overly flirty, so when we're in the sauna, she sits next to me, I then like pull her in and she then lies in my lap, she lies there for the rest of it, and us swimming was because all of us did so in between the sauna.

She was basically passive to everything I did, just going along with me hugging her, kissing her on the cheek, stroking her legs etc etc.
Click to expand...
So what was the problem? Sounds like she wanted you to go for it.

If anything this experience should make you feel good because you know that you can at least get this far with a girl, which means that you can do it again.
 
F

Fudgepuppy

Banned
akachan ningen said:
So what was the problem? Sounds like she wanted you to go for it.

If anything this experience should make you feel good because you know that you can at least get this far with a girl, which means that you can do it again.
Click to expand...

Considering she went and slept with my best friend between pissing-breaks without him ever talking to her throughout the evening, I'm not so sure that she wanted me in any way.

I think that was what crushed me the most, just knowing that he could pull off what I couldn't in five minutes.
 
A

akachan ningen

Member
Fudgepuppy said:
Considering she went and slept with my best friend between pissing-breaks without him ever talking to her throughout the evening, I'm not so sure that she wanted me in any way.

I think that was what crushed me the most, just knowing that he could pull off what I couldn't in five minutes.
Click to expand...
Why couldn't you do it? You just didn't have the experience. The next time you won't make the same mistakes. Your friend probably wasn't born being able to do that either. You don't know how many times he screwed it up before being able to do that.
 
F

Fudgepuppy

Banned
akachan ningen said:
Why couldn't you do it? You just didn't have the experience. The next time you won't make the same mistakes. Your friend probably wasn't born being able to do that either. You don't know how many times he screwed it up before being able to do that.
Click to expand...

He was actually passive during the whole thing. She went out of the room, and when she returned she just sat down next to him, and he just extended his arm and she instantly just leaned in towards him.

He was literally having her handed to him.

Kind of crazy how many peopl fall in love with him.
 
L

Log4Girlz

Member
Man I hope you learn from this OP. Somehow I became heartless over the years and I never wind up liking anyone...which is fucking convenient.
 
K

Kater

Banned
Fudgepuppy said:
He was actually passive during the whole thing. She went out of the room, and when she returned she just sat down next to him, and he just extended his arm and she instantly just leaned in towards him.

He was literally having her handed to him.

Kind of crazy how many peopl fall in love with him.
Click to expand...
Was almost in the same situation as you described here a year and a half ago. Also a good friend who basically got with the girl I always flirted with without doing shit. I just cut them both out of my life and got drunk for almost a month.
OP, don't do what I did if you value that friendship. I kinda regretted it later on but he moved to another city but you still have that friend at least.
And don't get wasted like me either btw, haha
 
S

Shadybiz

Member
akachan ningen said:
Why couldn't you do it? You just didn't have the experience. The next time you won't make the same mistakes. Your friend probably wasn't born being able to do that either. You don't know how many times he screwed it up before being able to do that.
Click to expand...

Quoted for truth.

Fudgepuppy said:
He was actually passive during the whole thing. She went out of the room, and when she returned she just sat down next to him, and he just extended his arm and she instantly just leaned in towards him.

He was literally having her handed to him.

Kind of crazy how many peopl fall in love with him.
Click to expand...

I don't know man...it sounds like she wanted you to make a move, saw that you weren't going to, and said "fuck it, this other guy seems nice too."

I have been a situation somewhat similar to this. It hurts at first, but you learn from it and move on. You just can't let stuff like this eat you up inside.
 
F

Fudgepuppy

Banned
Shadybiz said:
Quoted for truth.



I don't know man...it sounds like she wanted you to make a move, saw that you weren't going to, and said "fuck it, this other guy seems nice too."

I have been a situation somewhat similar to this. It hurts at first, but you learn from it and move on. You just can't let stuff like this eat you up inside.
Click to expand...

She actually told my friend that she noticed me coming onto her, and that she didn't want there to be anything more between us than friendship.

This I've somewhat gotten over, but it's more the feeling of sadness over something I know ended as good as it could considering the circumstances.
 
W

Wind's Howling

Member
A co-worker from work starts to tell me I need to go for her, I'm somewhat drunk and feel confident, so I go for it. The rest of the night is filled with romantic situations like her lying in my lap when in the sauna, or us swimming nude. I try to ”close the deal”, but I suspect she's just passively accepting all the things, like she's being coerced into lying in my lap, hugging etc etc.
Click to expand...

Next time something like this happens again just go for it, OP. What do you got to lose? Do not be afraid that she just might not accept your kiss and get startled by it. So what if she does? You tried and were brave, those are the two things that eventually get you a girl or not. Do not 'friend-zone' her yourself.

You do not get anywhere in life if you do not put a little courage and tenacity in it.
 
F

Fudgepuppy

Banned
Bit of an update.

I decided that being reclusive and ignoring her would only result in me standing completely alone in the end, so I texted her to see how she was feeling. Turns out she's moving here.

She's gotten a promotion as a sales supervisor part-time, which means she will directly be bossing me and coaching me.

So basically, she's moving here, to our office, to be with my friend who sits next to me, and now she's also my boss who's going to critique me and be my coach.

And shitty thing is, I've wanted that position for months, but they've always said they're overstaffed in that department.

Things will probably get normal, but right now I just find myself being so bitter towards my friend. He's always had shitty sides to him, but now it's all I see.

Really just wish things were normal, which they probably will be soon. Going to start seeing my therapist again so that might help a bit.
 
E

ElbowRocket

Member
Fudgepuppy said:
Bit of an update.

I decided that being reclusive and ignoring her would only result in me standing completely alone in the end, so I texted her to see how she was feeling. Turns out she's moving here.

She's gotten a promotion as a sales supervisor part-time, which means she will directly be bossing me and coaching me.

So basically, she's moving here, to our office, to be with my friend who sits next to me, and now she's also my boss who's going to critique me and be my coach.

And shitty thing is, I've wanted that position for months, but they've always said they're overstaffed in that department.

Things will probably get normal, but right now I just find myself being so bitter towards my friend. He's always had shitty sides to him, but now it's all I see.

Really just wish things were normal, which they probably will be soon. Going to start seeing my therapist again so that might help a bit.
Click to expand...

Look for another job pal, the change will be better that a holiday promise.
 
F

Fudgepuppy

Banned
crowphoenix said:
Stop being so complacent with your life. If you don't actively seek places where you're happy, you'll always be passed over.
Click to expand...

I like my job, and I like it there. Don't see why I should bail out when I don't know how things will go.

This is all me, it's not me being in love, because I'm not. Things can't get better if I act complacent no, but not facing the issues, running away and not getting to the bottom of the problems is the most complacent thing to do.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

Borderliine Personality Disorder. Anybody living with it, or with anybody that has it?
2
75
4K
Azelover replied
  • Poll
Neutering/spaying your dog
46
1K
Saiyan-Rox replied
When does losing a pet get easier?
2
79
3K
Blade2.0 replied
How do you deal with long term break ups?
2 3
102
5K
Woggleman replied
Quebec judge OK's class-action suit over COVID-19 outbreaks in long-term care homes
8
771
John Marston replied
Top Bottom