Fudgepuppy
Banned
This is a pretty long story that I've written in parts in the mental health thread, but I'm going to try and keep it shorter so I can get to the point.
So bit of a backstory, I'm sort of a mess, well not entirely but almost. I have really low confidence and I base a lot of my future happiness on finding someone, what's stopping me is ironically my low confidence. It's sort of an evil circle where I can never close any deals and then find myself during my darkest periods just realizing ”It's all just me, what the fuck am I complaining about when its up to me to change things”.
So this way of thinking led to this really chaotic situation.
This girl at work, sent an e-mail asking for a place to stay for the week while visiting our office. I offered since I had the house to myself.
So she comes, we have a great time, I'm a pretty damn great host, especially as she got pretty sick during a couple of days, during which I made pretty sure she was comfortable. This whole thing was just me wanting to be nice to someone because I like being appreciated, but also because I had zero intentions of doing anything with her as I didn't want to put her in an uncomfortable situation. Like me asking her to come to my house, then using that as a way to get with her, it just didn't sit right with me. It might've been stupid and just a part of me imagining things, but that's just the way things went. I don't regret it, we still had a great time. We watched a lot of movies, talked a lot and just got to know each other.
She goes home and we text a lot, she's telling me she wants to get back as she hates her city and all the stress it brings. She then comes a month later during her vacation, and I meet her at my friend's cabin where we are all staying over the night, drinking, swimming, sauna etc etc.
A co-worker from work starts to tell me I need to go for her, I'm somewhat drunk and feel confident, so I go for it. The rest of the night is filled with romantic situations like her lying in my lap when in the sauna, or us swimming nude. I try to ”close the deal”, but I suspect she's just passively accepting all the things, like she's being coerced into lying in my lap, hugging etc etc.
I look back on the evening and know I should've been more to the point, but I'm bad at this stuff.
So then, as the night is about to end, I go out to take a piss, and then come inside to see her sitting next to my friend who's got his arm around her. I'm pretty distraught and pissed off. She goes to get something, and I tell him like jokingly ”Well looks like you won”. My friend is a pretty practical and special kind of guy, so his reaction is basically ”If you feel like shit, I want you to call me because we are good friends”. He says this because he knows I'm sad about the situation. I then go to the kitchen, and when I come back they've gone to bed together.
The following weeks are filled with me just being an emotional wreck occasionally getting high on sleeping-pills, as I try to find out what's going on between them. With her to a certain degree, and probably unknowingly, using me for the emotional comfort he doesn't give her. It all culminates with me just telling her I need my space, and that I want us to be in each other's lives in the future as we were and probably will be good friends. I'm honest about it, as I remember her the best when we were just chilling around, with no intentions what so ever of it being a romantic situation.
Things kind of die down, she goes home, I meet her when I'm on my vacation in her city (I have family and friends there so it wasn't because of her I went there) etc. She talks about wanting to move to our city, which is understandable with her stress and her being in love with my friend. All this time, me and my friend are actually good friends. We hang out a lot and I don't hold him accountable for them falling in love with each other. She's not the kind of person that falls in love with people (so she says) but that this time it's different, and I can tell by the look in her eyes. I want her to be happy, so I realize I just have to accept it all. I realize we wouldn't have been good together, and that I only liked her because I liked being a good host to her.
And yet, today, I see her cryptically writing on facebook about her life becoming so much better, and I realize it's probably her sealing the deal and moving to our city, to be with my friend. My reaction is just a gut-punch, I feel like my heart is being drained, and I hate myself.
I KNOW it was never a thing, that I was the problem and that it's my broken confidence and point of view that's the reason I'm hurting.
Why? Why is my heart hurting when it shouldn't be? I know we would be awful together, and I know which parts of my being are responsible for me leading to this shitty feeling. I know it's all up to me to get better, and I intend to make things better.
Until then I just fel like writing this off my chest.
Tl;Dr: I ”fall in love” with a girl because of me being inexperienced, fragile and broken. This girl falls for my friend and now she's probably going to move here and my heart is still breaking, despite me knowing it shouldn't be. Despite me knowing all of my fears are based on ridiculous notions like ”Nobody likes me” or ”People think I'm worthless”.
I'm definitely getting better by the day at becoming a better person. I'm less self-conscious, less anxious, less awkward, more confident but most of all I'm more insightful. I know it's up to me, that life can't get any better if I end it or decide to stand still, and that it's time to change things.
With that out of the way, why do our hearts hurt, when they shouldn't?
EDIT. And I just realized I didn't keep it short, but fuck it.
So bit of a backstory, I'm sort of a mess, well not entirely but almost. I have really low confidence and I base a lot of my future happiness on finding someone, what's stopping me is ironically my low confidence. It's sort of an evil circle where I can never close any deals and then find myself during my darkest periods just realizing ”It's all just me, what the fuck am I complaining about when its up to me to change things”.
So this way of thinking led to this really chaotic situation.
This girl at work, sent an e-mail asking for a place to stay for the week while visiting our office. I offered since I had the house to myself.
So she comes, we have a great time, I'm a pretty damn great host, especially as she got pretty sick during a couple of days, during which I made pretty sure she was comfortable. This whole thing was just me wanting to be nice to someone because I like being appreciated, but also because I had zero intentions of doing anything with her as I didn't want to put her in an uncomfortable situation. Like me asking her to come to my house, then using that as a way to get with her, it just didn't sit right with me. It might've been stupid and just a part of me imagining things, but that's just the way things went. I don't regret it, we still had a great time. We watched a lot of movies, talked a lot and just got to know each other.
She goes home and we text a lot, she's telling me she wants to get back as she hates her city and all the stress it brings. She then comes a month later during her vacation, and I meet her at my friend's cabin where we are all staying over the night, drinking, swimming, sauna etc etc.
A co-worker from work starts to tell me I need to go for her, I'm somewhat drunk and feel confident, so I go for it. The rest of the night is filled with romantic situations like her lying in my lap when in the sauna, or us swimming nude. I try to ”close the deal”, but I suspect she's just passively accepting all the things, like she's being coerced into lying in my lap, hugging etc etc.
I look back on the evening and know I should've been more to the point, but I'm bad at this stuff.
So then, as the night is about to end, I go out to take a piss, and then come inside to see her sitting next to my friend who's got his arm around her. I'm pretty distraught and pissed off. She goes to get something, and I tell him like jokingly ”Well looks like you won”. My friend is a pretty practical and special kind of guy, so his reaction is basically ”If you feel like shit, I want you to call me because we are good friends”. He says this because he knows I'm sad about the situation. I then go to the kitchen, and when I come back they've gone to bed together.
The following weeks are filled with me just being an emotional wreck occasionally getting high on sleeping-pills, as I try to find out what's going on between them. With her to a certain degree, and probably unknowingly, using me for the emotional comfort he doesn't give her. It all culminates with me just telling her I need my space, and that I want us to be in each other's lives in the future as we were and probably will be good friends. I'm honest about it, as I remember her the best when we were just chilling around, with no intentions what so ever of it being a romantic situation.
Things kind of die down, she goes home, I meet her when I'm on my vacation in her city (I have family and friends there so it wasn't because of her I went there) etc. She talks about wanting to move to our city, which is understandable with her stress and her being in love with my friend. All this time, me and my friend are actually good friends. We hang out a lot and I don't hold him accountable for them falling in love with each other. She's not the kind of person that falls in love with people (so she says) but that this time it's different, and I can tell by the look in her eyes. I want her to be happy, so I realize I just have to accept it all. I realize we wouldn't have been good together, and that I only liked her because I liked being a good host to her.
And yet, today, I see her cryptically writing on facebook about her life becoming so much better, and I realize it's probably her sealing the deal and moving to our city, to be with my friend. My reaction is just a gut-punch, I feel like my heart is being drained, and I hate myself.
I KNOW it was never a thing, that I was the problem and that it's my broken confidence and point of view that's the reason I'm hurting.
Why? Why is my heart hurting when it shouldn't be? I know we would be awful together, and I know which parts of my being are responsible for me leading to this shitty feeling. I know it's all up to me to get better, and I intend to make things better.
Until then I just fel like writing this off my chest.
Tl;Dr: I ”fall in love” with a girl because of me being inexperienced, fragile and broken. This girl falls for my friend and now she's probably going to move here and my heart is still breaking, despite me knowing it shouldn't be. Despite me knowing all of my fears are based on ridiculous notions like ”Nobody likes me” or ”People think I'm worthless”.
I'm definitely getting better by the day at becoming a better person. I'm less self-conscious, less anxious, less awkward, more confident but most of all I'm more insightful. I know it's up to me, that life can't get any better if I end it or decide to stand still, and that it's time to change things.
With that out of the way, why do our hearts hurt, when they shouldn't?
EDIT. And I just realized I didn't keep it short, but fuck it.