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GAF, do you think this is unintentional racism, or thoughtful parenting?

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R

royalan

Member
So, there's a woman at my job. Been with us several months. An older white woman, very quiet and thoughtful, and generally pleasant to be around.

She also has a big, glorious mop of super curly, dark hair that I've been in love with since first sight. It's super lush, unapologetically big, almost fro-like. Fierce.

So today, during a slow moment at work, I thought I'd finally let her know and I told her how much I adore her hair. At this point she launches into a story about her 2 young adopted black children, a boy and girl (which I knew about). And that her hair isn't naturally curly, it's actually stick straight and a little thick, but she chemically treats it to make it super curly, because as her daughter gets older she's beginning to notice the differences in their hair, and so she now keeps her hair curly to make her daughter more comfortable and accepting of her own kinky hair.

My initial reaction was that it was a very adorable and thoughtful gesture, but over the course of the day I couldn't help by wonder if it was the right answer. I know it's often a challenge for parents of adopted children of different races when those kids get to the age where they start to perceive physical differences between them and their parents -- differences that have major social implications. But is adopting a physical trait of a race just an attempt to cover up those differences and push off a conversation?

I dunno, GAF. What do you think?
 
R

rude

Banned
Honestly I think going that far is a little odd, but I wouldn't question it that much. Black women are shit on from day one, anything to ease their problems in life is a plus in my book. Definitely not racist.
 
F

Fireblend

Banned
That seems like a cute gesture to me. I wouldn't read too much into it other than that, and I'm the kind of person that also gets hung up thinking about whether some behaviour is "correct" or not.

I wouldn't even know how to begin criticizing that one. She just wants her daughter to be able to relate to her in a small way. What's wrong with that?
 
D

Derwind

Member
Yeah its pretty weird but whats commendable is the inclusive environment she's trying to create for her children. Still not what I'd define as rascism in this context but I don't speak for everyone.
 
D

Deleted member 1235

Unconfirmed Member
she sounds like a racist monster, lets talk about it gaf.

I wouldn't even know how to begin criticizing that one. She just wants her daughter to be able to relate to her in a small way. What's wrong with that?
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absolutely nothing, the fact the OP thought it might possibly be racist and should raise it with GAF is bugging me quite hard. What a nice lady.
 
D

Deleted member 47027

Unconfirmed Member
It's inclusive, not creepy. She's going the extra mile. Feel happy about it inside, it's worth doing that for.
 
R

royalan

Member
catfish said:
she sounds like a racist monster, lets talk about it gaf.



absolutely nothing, the fact the OP thought it might possibly be racist and should raise it with GAF is bugging me quite hard. What a nice lady.
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Did you bother to read my post?

I didn't call her a racist, I don't think she's a racist. She's actually one of the people at work that I like. My initial response to her telling me this was that I thought it was a nice and adorable gesture. I'm only now thinking of potential deeper social implications behind her actions because the fact that she chemically altered her hair for her adopted kids was very striking to me.

"Unintentional racism" is in the thread title.

Like, I couldn't have been more clear here.

Simmer.
 
A

adamsappel

Member
Seems like a neat way to create a common bond. Now, the white mom who says she wants her kids to eat "soul food" to know about their culture is a li'l bit racist.
 
J

J10

Banned
Seems thoughtful to me. She's letting the kid be herself, which is more important. I bet a lot of parents would have gone in the opposite direction and tried to give the kid a white hairstyle to match theirs - and with that comes a bunch of ugly issues.
 
M

m_shortpants

Member
No way.

It's not racist, it's simply a fact that black hair is curly most of the time. I think it's a very nice gesture from her.
 
D

Derwind

Member
Let me clarify, its weird because there are other ways to instill positive values and essential self esteem without conforming to alter your look.

That is all.
 
M

Mushroomer25

Member
I wouldn't say it's racist at all. It's not like the girl will never learn that her hair is different from all the white girls at school - the Mom is just ensuring she's got a role model who is beautiful, and has similar hair.
 
D

Deleted member 47027

Unconfirmed Member
Also some more thoughts:

I'm kind of approaching something like that myself - I'm starting to get serious with someone (white girl, has a black 8 year old) - and I know the kid's gonna get shit from people about his 'parents' even though I'm not trying to be a father, I can still be a positive force in his life, that's a given. Hell, I'VE been given a bunch of shit too just being out with them together. That whole look people give that says "Hmm, two white folks and a black child. She cheated on you bruh and you're a chump" which gets old, but that's whatever. Fuck those people. I just want the kid to be happy and not feel alienated, and I don't necessarily know how to go about it and have no clue what his questions are, so I ask. He says he doesn't have any, but he will anytime now.

I know how huge identity for everyone is, and I want him to feel like he has a distinct identity on who he is instead of pressure to be someone else. So I'm going to do my best.
 
R

royalan

Member
J10 said:
Seems thoughtful to me. She's letting the kid be herself, which is more important. I bet a lot of parents would have gone in the opposite direction and tried to give the kid a white hairstyle to match theirs - and with that comes a bunch of ugly issues.
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I was actually thinking this, too. If anything, it's a better response than what typically happens to young black hair when the kinks start setting in and the parents don't know what to do: relaxing the shit out of it.
 
K

Keri

Member
I think it's a wonderful gesture, she's trying to show her daughter that she has nothing to be ashamed of, when it comes to her hair. And nothing communicates that more clearly and genuinely, then the mother adopting the hairstyle herself.

I know you tried to be kind, by calling it "unintentional racism," but I can't see how its racist at all. If she'd gone in the other direction, and forced her daughter to straighten her hair, to avoid having "black hair," that would be racist.
 
D

Dion Blaster

Member
You yourself said it looks great so taking that into account I don't really see a problem. Works for her, and helps her bond with her daughter.
 
B

bishoptl

Banstick Emeritus
That's pretty sweet of her to do that for her child. Awkward at first glance, but coming from a really good place. Hard enough for children adopted by parents of a different race to relate if they don't have similar people around them, I'm kind of touched that she took the time to do this. Next time you see her, tell her a strange man on the internet thinks she's awesome.
 
I

injurai

Banned
Children are naive, they make assumptions about the world and internalize it. Sometimes to dire understandings, and they never question them. Staving of accidental assumptions and instead preparing to counter with a forward explanation when the time comes seems very caring and rather in touch with psychological development of children. Of course for it to be an earnest gesture, the honesty and eventual explanation must be part of the intention.
 
N

NoctisVsStar

Member
bishoptl said:
That's pretty sweet of her to do that for her child. Awkward at first glance, but coming from a really good place. Hard enough for children adopted by parents of a different race to relate if they don't have similar people around them, I'm kind of touched that she took the time to do this. Next time you see her, tell her a strange man on the internet thinks she's awesome.
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You mean the legendary Bish sends his regards.
 
B

B-Dubs

No Scrubs
bishoptl said:
That's pretty sweet of her to do that for her child. Awkward at first glance, but coming from a really good place. Hard enough for children adopted by parents of a different race to relate if they don't have similar people around them, I'm kind of touched that she took the time to do this. Next time you see her, tell her a strange man on the internet thinks she's awesome.
Click to expand...

Agreed. She cares more about her kid's self esteem than anything else and that's a good thing.
 
O

Otakumegane

Member
At least it isn't this

boondocks-hueys-hair-intervention2.JPG
Click to expand...

Props to that woman.
 
R

royalan

Member
bishoptl said:
That's pretty sweet of her to do that for her child. Awkward at first glance, but coming from a really good place. Hard enough for children adopted by parents of a different race to relate if they don't have similar people around them, I'm kind of touched that she took the time to do this. Next time you see her, tell her a strange man on the internet thinks she's awesome.
Click to expand...

I think that what rubbed me weird is that I tend to be very direct when it comes to things like this. If I were in this situation, I envision myself sitting down with my kid, and talking about the differences in our hair and how it's perceived, and telling her she has nothing to be ashamed of, and her hair is every bit as awesome as my own. Gestures that appear to be meant to stave off conversation tend to ring negative for me.

But I guess sometimes it's easy to forget how important the image of a thing can be for a kid. Like, certainly the girl is going to eventually grow up and realize that that isn't her mother's natural hair texture, but in this important development for a kid, seeing that kind of positive reinforcement can work wonders.

Otakumegane said:
At least it isn't this



Props to that woman.
Click to expand...


Ouch, that comic hits hard...
 
D

Daingurse

Member
Sounds kinda sweet, a bit a awkward but sweet. Sounds like she's really trying her best to be inclusive, I think that's worth doing.
 
M

mantidor

Member
rude said:
Honestly I think going that far is a little odd, but I wouldn't question it that much. Black women are shit on from day one, anything to ease their problems in life is a plus in my book. Definitely not racist.
Click to expand...

I thing with modern hair products it isn't that far anyway, that she thought about it it's a nice gesture to her kids, when you are that young you are going to need someone to look up to, eventually if things go right her kids will have whatever hairdo they want, but it will be a more relaxed choice, because it won't be based on their natural hair being "odd".

It really depends on the age of the kids though, if they are old enough this would seem like imposing a hairstyle.
 
K

Keri

Member
royalan said:
I think that what rubbed me weird is that I tend to be very direct when it comes to things like this. If I were in this situation, I envision myself sitting down with my kid, and talking about the differences in our hair and how it's perceived, and telling her she has nothing to be ashamed of, and her hair is every bit as awesome as my own. Gestures that appear to be meant to stave off conversation tend to ring negative for me.
Click to expand...

See, If this woman did that, the conversation would likely end with: "EASY FOR YOU TO SAY MOM, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, because you have 'NORMAL' hair!"

It's one thing for a parent to say their child's hair is beautiful, it's another entirely to show that they think it's beautiful, by adopting the style themselves. I think the gesture makes the message all the stronger. Her little girl is going to know that their hair is different someday, but she's always going to know that her mother thinks her hair is beautiful.
 
B

Brakke

Banned
Sounds like a cool mom thing to do. Depends a bit on the framing. The message "hey I wanted to be beautiful like you" is lovely. That'll be a dope way to frame it when the kid gets older and understands curly hair is a choice her mom made.
 
entremet

entremet

Member
I'm just not seeing the logic leap of unintentional racism, royalan.

Even if she's pushing off a hypothetical conversation, I'm not following you.

Caucasians can have curly and coarse hair as well.
 
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