Support NeoGAF

[Downhome]

Yesterday, we found out for sure that my wife has had a miscarriage. Or, rather, we have had it confirmed that there is no heartbeat, and now we are trying to deal on how to resolve it - either naturally or a D&C. I am starting this thread so it will be known from the start where everything is at this time, instead of bumping my original thread and people mistakenly telling us congrats (which we appreciate, trust me, since you don't know better if you just read the other OP). It's too hard for me to post in the other thread any longer. Again, thanks for your original congrats, and your kind words now. It means a great deal to me.

I would like to hear from other people who have been through it, if you are willing to talk about it. My wife and I are in a complete constant hazy state right now, even though we are trying to stay positive and look towards the future. It is even harder considering we didn't know if this would ever happen for us in the first place. To say that our lives since Thanksgiving has been a roller coaster of emotion would be an incredible understatement.

I know this is very common, and I also think it's sad how so many people are afraid to talk about it. I get why, I don't WANT to talk about it, but I think it can be helpful to just get it out there, and learn, and try to understand the best you can. So many people try to think it's shameful, but it's anything but. There is no shame in it, for most (if you do what you should be doing), it's completely random and there is nothing that can be done to prevent it. It certainly doesn't make it any easier to deal with though, and that's ok.

The first two quotes below are my two unfortunate updates to my original thread, and below that is the link to the original thread and the (then) positive updates and sequence of events.

Today is the hardest day in the lives of my wife and I. At 11:30 today, we are scheduled to go in for an ultrasound to see if our unborn child still has a heartbeat or not.

Four days after our wonderful and life changing ultrasound, three days after I told my family, and two days after we told her family (the videos of the reveals are posted above), my wife started seeing some very minor spotting and it has continued just about every day since then. It has been very light brown, some of it "mucusy", some of it very pale yellow. We called the doctor we saw last Tuesday night to get his opinion and he said not to worry, that this can be normal, to not worry unless we see red. The following night after a bath, my wife noticed three smears of red so we went to the ER. We called our doctor back (he is in another town over, and didn't want to rush that far) and called him from the parking lot of our local ER. He essentially yelled at us for calling to wake him up over the situation, and since then we cut ties with him and have been searching for a different doctor.

That night at the ER they took some blood to test her HCG levels and asked us to come back to the lab two days later to test the levels again, and to compare them. They are supposed to double. They called yesterday and the nurse told my wife they didn't double, instead they dropped by 5,000.

My wife was 8 weeks and 2 days when we went to the ER to have that first bit of blood drawn. Today, as we go to the new local doctor, she is 9 weeks and 1 day.

I went to have lunch with my wife yesterday after the nurse called her. She is taking it well, but that's only because she says she has felt something "off" for the last week. I have tried to keep her positive, but she has known. After our lunch I went back to work. I sat in the parking lot trying to pull myself together in order to go back inside. I never was able to. I saw in the parking lot a complete mess. Crying, yelling out, just destroyed. I have never known such sadness, I never really realized it was possible to be as broken as you see people in the movies and on TV. It's true, it happens, and it's awful.

I don't care if this sounds stupid or not, but I literally feel like a child we have had with us for a long time, that we really got to know, may be passing away. I have had a number of truly awful and traumatic events in my life - all of my grandparents passing away, various other family members, an uncle that committed suicide, a niece that was born premature that passed away after a month, a nephew that tried to kill himself just last year, and more. Nothing has ever come as close to truly making me feel as devastated as the news of the dropped numbers did just yesterday. Hell, as I type this I'm in tears.

This past weekend we went to my wife's big family Christmas for her extended family. Her parents gave us a frame that says "Daddy & Me", a cousin gave us our first baby gift of a small stuffed elephant, for Christmas I gave my wife a necklace a custom made necklace with a heart with footprints engraved on it along with the birthstone for her due date, she bought me a bottle of baby bubble bath telling me I better get used to the smell now.

Over the last two months both my wife and I have completely changed, for the better. We have grown so much closer to one another and to the concept of being parents. We have fully embraced it, and she is now beyond ready to be a mother and God knows that I am ready to be a father.

If we get bad news today, we are prepared for it the best we are able to be. It will destroy us, temporarily, but we know that it would be bad news for a reason. We know it is nothing that we did, and we know that there is nothing that could be done to prevent it. All of this we know, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I know that people may not even respond to this post, this thread anymore. I don't care. Consider this a bit of therapy for myself as I get ready for whatever news we have in store for us here in a few hours. It is helping me write all of this down, and that is what matters to me.

Also, we completely realize why people sometimes wait until the first trimester is over to tell close friends and family. We knew that when we first got pregnant, and normally that is what we would have done, and we always said that is what we would do if/when we ever did get pregnant. We simply though the timing of Christmas was too perfect to hold it off for another month. Maybe that was selfish, maybe it was the wrong thing to do, but we still do not entirely regret it no matter what happens. At least, if we do get bad news today, that we have many people to offer us support and love, rather than us being in it completely alone and still having to deal with it.

We also realize that more people go through this than most people think. We know it's not super rare, especially for a first pregnancy. That certainly doesn't make this any easier.

I just can't believe this is happening after a first successful ultrasound, after seeing such a strong heartbeat and where everything was perfectly fine. The chances for a loss after you see that first healthy heartbeat goes down a great deal, making it only around a 5% chance of something like this possibly happening. This is truly a living, waking, nightmare for us.

If we get bad news today, we are going to continue trying as soon as it is physically safe to do so. We feel a hell of a lot more prepared for a second pregnancy, no matter if we lose this one or if it goes full term and we try for a second child down the line.

Thanks for all of your previous comments by you guys. I have enjoyed reading it all, and it has helped a lot. We certainly aren't giving up either.

Keep us in your thoughts, if you are religious (which we are) then say a little prayer for us, and if you aren't then send your positive vibes our way regardless. I'll quickly update when we know something. Thanks.

No good news. Our baby has no heartbeat and growth ended around 7 weeks and a few days - so, that means it passed right around the first ultrasound, and they said it likely was final on Christmas or right at it. By the time we were letting everyone know we were pregnant, it was likely already gone. Merry Christmas to us

We are now trying to decide for a natural passing/miscarriage or go in for a D&C to remove it. We want it natural so we can have it, in order to bury it in our yard and plant a tree over it, or something else along those lines. If we do the D&C they will treat it as nothing more than medical waste and we do not want that. If it comes to being too painful for my wife, just too much emotionally as well, that is when we would go with the D&C.

We are due back this Friday for a final ultrasound, and to go over our options.

We will try again, we have decided to do so ASAP instead of waiting, in order to keep too much time from passing and for us to get back to where we need to be. Also, we think it would be best for our emotional well being also. I may start a different thread about all of this, but for now I just wanted to update. I couldn't write anything like this yesterday, and it's still hard. Thanks for the kind words so far, it means a lot to me.

Right now, we are just completely heartbroken.

Also, for sake of history, the below is my original thread along with the major positive updates at the time...

http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1157270

Well, this is it. After four years of marriage, my wife is pregnant. We didn't even know for sure if it would be possible, but we had always hoped. You see, my wife was born with spina bifida, and it was always a question if it would ever happen for her, or if it would even be safe. I knew that when we met, dated, and got married but it didn't matter to me. We saw a doctor earlier this year for the first time about it and she gave us the "ok" as long as we made certain precautions, and after a few months of trying (and really just one attempt to really try, I wont go into those details, haha) it happened. We found out this past Thanksgiving, so it already has a nickname of "Lil' Turkey". She did two different tests, told me to go look at it and let her know. One had a tiny faint line, and I made it off like it was negative. Then said "well you already know what the second one says" acting like it was negative, but instead I handed it to her and it blatantly said PREGNANT (one of the digital ones that is pretty exact), and she grabbed it then screamed when she saw I was just joking. She is now 6 weeks along, and I feel like so much has already changed, but for the better.

I have always wanted to be a father, and me being 35 now and her 31 it felt like this was the time if we were ever going to do it. It's so crazy the sense of being proud I felt when we saw that first positive test. I feel like I understand so many different things now that I just never got before, and the baby isn't even here yet. I think we have felt every emotion under the sun. It is due next August, then we get to thinking that the baby will be here even before the freakin' presidential election takes place, and that puts just how soon it will be into perspective. Hmmm, or just how far away the election still is. Either way, it's pretty interesting.

My wife is already convinced it's a boy, even though she really wanted a girl. I'm not sure why, she says her symptoms and overall feeling is a boy. I have an incredible feeling we may be in store for twins, not really a fear, just a feeling. My wife meets many of the conditions that many people go by when guessing on that one, including her dad having brothers which were twins. If that happens, I don't know what we will do. Oh lord. Just, wish us luck.

Ok, enough of the sappy stuff.

I'd like to ask for any advice or warnings you may be able to offer, or especially any cool stories of when you went through this. Heck, I'm sure some of you guys are going through it right now.

Update after first ultrasound...

Well, yesterday we had our first ultrasound. Talk about one of the craziest moments in life ever. We saw the tiny little baby and heard the heartbeat for the first time, at 128 bps, and they gave us pictures. The doctor said everything looks perfect with the baby so far. However, some bad news. My wife has a large cyst on one of her ovaries but they said that can sometimes just fade away during the pregnancy. Have any of you dealt with that before?

Hearing that little tiny heart beat so strong was just amazing. I don't think there are any words for it to be honest with you.

We are telling our parents today and tomorrow, we want them to know even though it's still early. I'm more than open to more advice and everything, so feel free to post away. Thanks for everything so far!

Post of videos of our reveal on Christmas Eve/Christmas...

Here are the videos of us surprising both sets of our parents...

https://youtu.be/KVNpF9F0Y6Q

https://youtu.be/ridDv4H6q2U

 

[Count Dookkake]

Get her pregnant again. Only thing that works that I know of.

 

[Anuson.Phan]

Be there to support her. That's all you can really do.

 

[Mindwipe]

The only thing I can say of its way more common than you think and people will understand man.

Sorry to hear it.

 

[Spyder_Monkey]

I'm so sorry to hear that.

 

[The Lamonster]

Damn, I'm sorry for your loss. I've never gone through one but after becoming a father I can understand how crushing it would be.

I will say that it's extremely common, not that that makes it any easier. My sister in law has had 3 or 4 miscarriages but they kept trying and eventually had two children who are now 1 and 5.

 

[Omegasquash]

I'm sorry that happened. Hang in there, and be as supportive of her as you can.

I've had lots of friends experience it, though not a one of them has let it beat them, and all of them are living happy lives, with children. In some cases, more than they planned.

 

[otapnam]

sorry to hear about that. fortunately it was still relatively early, but on the unfortunate side you had already begun planning alot and told friends and family.

It happens to alot of people and hopefully you will be able to try again with no issues

 

[E92 M3]

In fetal development, there are various checks and balances to determine if growth should continue. Most likely something went wrong and the body chose to stop any further development. I know it's not the nicest answer, but that's generally what miscarriages are. Just get her pregnant again and give her all of the emotional support you can.

 

[Septimus Prime]

My condolences. =(

 

[linkboy]

Sorry to hear that, my condolences to you and your wife.

 

[Sawneeks]

I'm really sorry for your loss.

As others have already said, just be there for her. My Mom had a miscarriage a few years ago and the hardest part was that she blamed herself for what happened. There is no way to know if these things will happen or not and it is in no way you or your wife's fault, sometimes these things just happen.

This is also much more common than you might think and people are very understanding for this kind of situation.

 

[Dahellisdat]

Just don't be discouraged, man. This is a very sad thing to happen, especially when you are excited about having a child, but it is also a very common occurrence.

My sister had a miscarriage last year under the same circumstances...no heart beat. She had a procedure to remove it. They did some testing on the fetus and found that it had Turner syndrome (chromosomal disorder) and would have likely had a lifetime full of various health problems.

Sometimes these things work out for the best. I hope you can keep trying and the two of you will have a healthy child in the future.

 

[andycapps]

Went through this exact thing almost two years ago. Honestly, it was the worst time in my life up to that point. We found out that she was pregnant when she went in for a regular exam and her OB told her that there was something wrong and that she wanted to do a quick ultrasound, and she found the problem.. there's a baby in there! So we go back a couple weeks later (13 weeks at this point) that we are hoping we might be able to find out the sex of the baby.. The doctor is doing her ultrasound and I'm beaming from ear to ear, and she says after a few moments "we have a problem, I can't find a heart beat." I was like "Oh okay, so the baby is hiding from you?" Doctor tells me they're going to look more and have another doctor come in for a second look. Same thing.

So in that one day we go from thinking we'd find out the sex of the baby to learning our baby had already passed. Then at that point they wanted to do a D&C. I just felt completely numb and in a haze as you say. One of the things that wasn't too fun was that we'd told everyone the good news a week or so before so for weeks or so afterwards people kept congratulating us on the good news.

The night before the D&C they had my wife start taking meds at home that would start contractions to try to get things going for the surgery the next day. Shouldn't be a big issue they said. Well it caused awful bleeding and pain for my wife and she ended up passing him at home. We found out it was a him because he fell into the toilet at one point.. and I had to get him out with a salad spoon from the kitchen. Fuck.. And this was on my birthday.

The D&C in the hospital was still necessary due to wanting to make sure my wife's uterus was clear and everything was good. Probably the right thing to do, and I'd listen to her OB if that's what they're recommending.

Does it get easier? Yeah it does, but I think about him every day and my birthday since then has been bittersweet. Knowing that I share a birthday with my unborn son is cool, but I wish he was here with me.

In fetal development, there are various checks and balances to determine if growth should continue. Most likely something went wrong and the body chose to stop any further development. I know it's not the nicest answer, but that's generally what miscarriages are. Just get her pregnant again and give her all of the emotional support you can.

That's what our OB said.. For whatever reason, the baby likely didn't develop correctly and so the miscarriage happened. That was one moment that made me feel slightly better. At least my son wasn't born into the world in a lot of pain or with a lifetime of surgeries ahead of him.

 

[GillianSeed79]

Consider maybe counseling for her, or at least just be there for her and talk to her about her feelings. My girlfriend suffered a miscarriage recently and she broke pretty hard even though she pretended for most of the time that everything was OK. Hardest thing for me was that she had bought a TON of baby stuff and it was all in the den of my old apartment before our scheduled move to my new place. Walking in from the hospital after the miscarriage and seeing all that baby stuff was damn rough.

 

[Az]

Sorry to hear my man, you are probably taking it better than I would. Be with your wife, just be there for each other. When you are ready, try again.

 

[Goodlife]

It's shit and I feel for you both.

Wife and I had plans after we got married, have kids straight away etc.

9 months of trying (which wasn't fun), we finally got there.
Loads of excitement, happiest we've ever been.

11 weeks pain, bleeding etc.

Week later had the scan, confirmed it had gone.

Was horrible, wife was in pain, felt like the world had come crashing down.
Telling family was awful.
Hated every second.
Stayed as strong as I could for my wife, but only so much I could do.

Was a shit few months that followed, wife lost her job.
We were rock bottom, I must be honest.

But, we fought on..
Got pregnant not too long after.

Got 3 kids now, still think about it a lot I must be honest, but we got through it and came back stronger.

Good luck to you all

Xxxxxx

 

[grmlin]

Hey,
very sorry to hear that!

I know it does not really help with the grief, but these are my thoughts on this matter.

First, I have to kids myself and my wife had a miscarriage, too, when we decided to get a second child. It's really hard to deal with, especially for the woman I think. It gets better after some time, take your time and then try again.

- it happens A LOT. I did not actually knew that before everybody around me started to get kids and I started hearing these sad stories over and over again.
- the first weeks are the most dangerous weeks for the fetus. That's, at least here in Germany, the reason why normally no one tells anyone before around week 12
- it happened for a reason. Something wasn't right, either with the fetus or with your wife. My sister-in-law had to inject some medicine every day the whole pregnancy after I think 3 miscarriages

 

[FullMetaltech]

The wife and I went through this along time back (12 years). We were happy we were gonna be parents again for the second time. She was pregnant in November and miscarried on Christmas Eve. We were hoping to surprise the family for Christmas but it didn't pan out that way. I never knew what a D&C was until I heard the nurse explain. Christmas day is kind hard for us because she still remembers it. But we were able to have another child (boy) about a year or so later.

 

[The One and Done™]

My god man....very sorry to hear it

 

[Marty Chinn]

Like you said, it's very common. It happens quite often and it's the body's way of saying something isn't right. Your wife did nothing wrong or could have likely done anything to change the outcome even though it's common to question if you did something different would it have had a different outcome.

The one thing that's kind of trippy to think about is when you do get pregnant again and do have that child with all the excitement and love you'll have for it, you would have never had that child if the first one had been born. I love my daughter and it's weird for me to think how I might have never had her if the first time worked out.

 

[superdeluxe]

Oh man, having recently given birth to our 2nd child, it was an adventure to get there, You are not alone, many parents have bumps/issues along the way. Good luck to you in the future.

 

[Hazmat]

My mother had my older brother, two miscarriages, then me, and finally my little sister. I've talked with her about it and she says that one of the things she learned from it is that it happens to lots of women and families, but nobody talks openly about it.

She also said that her doctors found something and corrected it after the second miscarriage, and after that she gave birth twice in under two years.

I'm really sorry that you and your wife had to go through this.

 

[Charlatan]

I'm truly sorry for your loss. Miscarriages suck.

My wife and I suffered through many miscarriages in our early years. It will put you (but mostly her) on an emotional roller coaster. We ended up going to therapy to work through some of the issues (and incidentally that worked out just fine). Don't be afraid to grieve for that lost child and the experiences you are going through. You need time to be sad, to cry, to console each other. There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling - don't try to squelch it, try to work through it.

But as much as grieving is ok ... don't stay in the grieving phase. While it's completely natural and fine to grieve and be sad, or get mad at God (or whoever) you shouldn't stay there forever. At some point, you'll notice the sun is still rising, birds are still singing, life is continuing. At that point you'll need to pull yourselves back on your feet and move forward. But there's no strict timetable for this - it will happen naturally as you work through your sadness and grief.

Your wife will be very emotionally fragile during this time. You can help her avoid guilty feelings - where the woman says "if only I'd done X or Y, the baby might have been fine." She can't live in that world. Guilt is a non-starter. Tell her over and over it's not her fault - that this is a biological thing and that she (and you) did all you could to keep the baby safe and nurtured. But it wasn't viable. Keep supporting your wife and don't let her feel guilty!

Your friends may be at a loss. Many will try to "fix" you - by saying stuff like "it's in a better place now" or "it wasn't God's time" - people want to help, even when they can't - even when it's counterproductive. Your emotionally in-touch friends will simply say "I"m sorry. That sucks. How horrible it is for you to go through this." Don't get mad at people who try to fix things, accept that they're trying to be nice about it, and move on.

Someday you will probably try again. Once again, there's no timeframe for this - it should only be when you're both ready. Your wife may be afraid to try again because of fear of another miscarriage. Don't force her, she will have to work through it - the draw of motherhood usually will call more than the fear of miscarriage. But it's got to be something that (once again) she works out.

Be there for your wife, and don't push things. It's a heavy emotional toll but you CAN get through it. And it's best if the two of you get through it together!

Good luck.

 

[NastyBook]

Sorry to you and your wife for your loss and dealing with that asshole ex-doctor.

 

[PalaceBrother]

I'm so sorry. Happened to us twice. The biggest piece of advice I have:

Do not treat this with any less gravitas than you would the death of a child. I don't know your wife, but for many women is it a devastating loss that they will never forget.

 

[Walter White Walker]

It happened to my now ex-wife and I three times. At one point they thought my now daughter was going to miscarry around 3 months but it ended up working out. It really does happen quite often, but of course it's very sad when it does.

 

[BFIB]

Fuck man, I am so sorry to hear this. Me and my wife went through the same. Here's the good news: Its not uncommon. Something that I never knew about until it happened, but once we researched after, it was surprising how many miscarriages happen. The other good news is that if you start trying again, the odds of a successful pregnancy skyrocket up to around 96%.

But for now, this is a grieving process you both have to go through. No matter what your spouse decides, its important to be supportive. She already had an attachment that only mothers know.

My wife knew something was up the minute it happened. We were in the same boat as you OP, we were around 13 weeks along, and decided it was time to share the news. We had went to the doctor the week before, ultrasound was good, everything looked solid. We were sitting on the couch, and my wife, who at the time was nauseous over any food, all the sudden said she was "starving". I cooked her a nice meal, she ate it, and then realized that she wasn't feeling sick. She said it felt like a switch turned "off". We went back to the doctor the next afternoon, and there was no heartbeat.

Its hard to describe the emotion of losing something you never had. Never got to meet. It won't ever leave you OP, I still wonder about the child we never got to meet. But, I wouldn't change what I have now for the world. My daughter is 20 months old now.

Hang in there man. It'll get easier!

 

[grmlin]

Like you said, it's very common. It happens quite often and it's the body's way of saying something isn't right. Your wife did nothing wrong or could have likely done anything to change the outcome even though it's common to question if you did something different would it have had a different outcome.

The one thing that's kind of trippy to think about is when you do get pregnant again and do have that child with all the excitement and love you'll have for it, you would have never had that child if the first one had been born. I love my daughter and it's weird for me to think how I might have never had her if the first time worked out.

I tried to stay as calm and unexcited as I could when my wife told me she is pregnant the first time, as so many friends had gone through this before. It's hard to do so, because HOLY SHIT I'm becoming a father, but it helped when it happened to us later.

Getting kids is the craziest thing in the world, at least for me. But it's so worth it.


BTW: in Germany this topic is something most people talk about with their friends and families.

 

[Mr-Joker]

Aw shit, sorry for your loss.

My aunt had a miscarriage and it left her heartbroken that when she got pregnant again she kept it a secret till much later in the pregnancy.

 

[Fireblend]

This is heartbreaking and I can't begin to imagine how this could feel, but I think you're doing the right thing by being upfront and willing to talk about something so difficult. That's definitely the way to go. My thoughts go to you and your wife.

 

[BFIB]

Aw shit, sorry for your loss.

My aunt had a miscarriage and it left her heartbroken that when she got pregnant again she kept it a secret till much later in the pregnancy.

We did the same. I think we made the formal announcement at around 20 weeks. Wife just hid it well until then.

 

[vikki]

Sorry to hear OP, it does happen. It happened to my wife's cousin recently. It happened to my brother's ex after 6 months of carrying the child. It happened to a friend . My brother now has two healthy children, his ex now has a healthy child, the friend now has 3 healthy children. It happens and it's sad, you'll need a little time to cope and when you and your wife are ready, maybe you'll try again.

 

[entremet]

Sorry to hear, OP.

They're not uncommon, but many women don't share them, for obvious reasons, so the perception is that they're rare events.

They're not.

Women should not feel like this is rare, but a sad, yet common occurrence when looking to get pregnant.

Helps expectations some.

 

[Downhome]

I'm so sorry. Happened to us twice. The biggest piece of advice I have:

Do not treat this with any less gravitas than you would the death of a child. I don't know your wife, but for many women is it a devastating loss that they will never forget.

Trust me, that's not an issue for me. My wife is of course devastated, but I think right now at this very second I'm taking it even harder than her. She says it is because she has "just known" something bad was wrong for the last week or so, since she started spotting, while I remained really positive and optimistic trying to keep her from breaking apart at all times. It didn't truly hit me until I heard her levels had dropped, and of course the ultrasound yesterday.

I can say that I really do feel like I've lost a child. I mean, to me I HAVE lost a child (I'm not getting into politics and crap, this isn't the place for it), and my level of hurt is acceptable in my eyes. I can't even begin to imagine how it would be to have one go full term and have it be stillborn, or God forbid a parent losing a child after it has been born at any time in the future after that. I've never felt this much hurt over anything, and we have been through a lot.

The next time, and we are starting to try as soon as a just a couple weeks or so once the miscarriage is truly completed, we will not tell anyone other than those we HAVE to tell, and we certainly wont tell our entire family or post it on Facebook like we did with this one.

We were so caught up in the excitement, the fact that we found out on Thanksgiving, the plans we made for everyone for Christmas, that we just told ourselves that there was NO WAY that we would be one of those all too common statistics. We really felt like we were in the clear. Heck, we at least waited until we had our first ultrasound and saw that first healthy 128 bpm heartbeat! How could it happen to us after that? Sadly, we certainly learned our lesson on that one.

Thanks guys, this helps more than you know.

 

[Marty Chinn]

I tried to stay as calm and unexcited as I could when my wife told me she is pregnant the first time, as so many friends had gone through this before. It's hard to do so, because HOLY SHIT I'm becoming a father, but it helped when it happened to us later.

Getting kids is the craziest thing in the world, at least for me. But it's so worth it.


BTW: in Germany this topic is something most people talk about with their friends and families.

The interesting thing was it was the reverse for us. We were so excited the first time, but after it happened, every time we got pregnant afterward, we held back our excitement knowing what could happen. So it kind of sucked that the purity of the excitement about being pregnant was taken from us on any other pregnancy.

 

[Carlodinho]

We lost our first due to miscarriage at 8 weeks. It sucked so bad. We wanted to keep the pregnancy a secret because of how often people lose their babies in the first 12 weeks, but we told a few people which made it even harder. She got a D&C.I wouldn't let her do it naturally as I though it might be too hard for her. My wife needed to perform some kind of ritual or ceremony for the lost one. It was the only way she could move forward. I just tried to be as supportive as I could and understand that It was no ones fault that it happened.

With that said, try again with love and gratitude in your heart that you were able to have that experience even thought it did not work out.The next pregnancy will be terrifying until you get past that threshold, but you will get there. They will tell you to wait a certain amount of time before trying again. We started as soon as she was healed and we now have a beautiful daughter who is about to turn one. She is the love of my life.

Sorry for typos I was rushing.

 

[Alavard]

Sorry to hear, OP... that's got to be very hard to go through.

Major kudos to you for speaking out about it though. It's a fairly common thing that our society hates talking about or even acknowledging.

 

[Escape Goat]

I read an article of what to say/not say after a miscarriage. Id look into those.

 

[grmlin]

The interesting thing was it was the reverse for us. We were so excited the first time, but after it happened, every time we got pregnant afterward, we held back our excitement knowing what could happen. So it kind of sucked that the purity of the excitement about being pregnant was taken from us on any other pregnancy.

Well, I was excited too, of course. But I always reminded myself to the things that may happen in the first weeks.

We lost our first due to miscarriage at 8 weeks. It sucked so bad. We wanted to keep the pregnancy a secret because of how often people lose their babies in the first 12 weeks, but we told a few people which made it even harder. She got a D&C.I wouldn't let her do it naturally as I though it might be too hard for her. My wife needed to perform some kind of ritual or ceremony for the lost one. It was the only way she could move forward. I just tried to be as supportive as I could and understand that It was no ones fault that it happened.

With that said, try again with love and gratitude in your heart that you were able to have that experience even thought it did not work out.The next pregnancy will be terrifying until you get past that threshold, but you will get there. They will tell you to wait a certain amount of time before trying again. We started as soon as she was healed and we now have a beautiful daughter who is about to turn one. She is the love of my life.

Sorry for typos I was rushing.

I think it's important to tell others, your friends, and talk about it. It helped me a lot to know that my wife and I were not alone.

 

[Fury451]

Support her, talk to each other. I've seen couples have marital problems after the loss of a child because of poor communication or built-up resentment and misunderstandings. So please talk to each other, talk to others for support, seek a third party like a counselor if needed, support her a lot.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[SlimySnake]

My aunt had a miscarriage her first child. 14 years later, she now has three healthy boys. Just be there for your wife and you will rebound.

Good luck.

 

[hoos30]

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Same thing happened to us, before we had two healthy children.

I don't have any quick wisdom for you other than saying it is okay to grieve. Take some time for yourselves and be there to support her. Feeling guilty (What if...?) is natural, but don't let it last too long because really, no one did anything wrong.

 

[finley83]

.

 

[Red]

My mother had two miscarriages and I remember seeing how she struggled with them. I don't think she ever really recovered, emotionally, psychologically. I convinced my wife to wait four months before letting our families know we were having a baby, to avoid having to explain the loss in case something happened that first trimester.

We had friends suffer a miscarriage a couple of months ago, right at the end of their first trimester. I don't know if it was because I grew up seeing someone go through that, but I was really nervous when my wife told me she had invited them over for dinner a few weeks after they lost the baby. I told her that was the worst possible thing to do and that it would not at all be a help to them. Our son was about four months old at the time. She had them over anyway. She tried putting our son to bed before they arrived, but he would not cooperate. The tension in that room every time he cried. The woman who had lost her child told us how angry she was seeing other people struggle with pregnancy or complain about childbirth, because she wanted so bad to have that opportunity. My wife tried to change the subject, talked about how difficult it was treating our son's reflux. She didn't get that by talking about our son, or playing with our son in front of them, she was tormenting her friends. I don't think people understand how significant a loss a miscarriage can be unless they are personally affected by one.

I can't offer much except condolences. It will get better. But nothing will ever take the place of a lost child.

I know others who try to cover up their miscarriages as if they are embarrassed by them, as if their grief is inappropriate or irrational. It is not. Maybe the only advice I can give is allow yourself to feel what you feel. Don't think it is weak to want to reach out and find support.

 

[Like the hat?]

My wife and I went through one a year ago. Had to go in for a D&E (she was in her fourth month. I had been terrified of telling people, and we finally had a couple weeks prior because I figured we were safe after the first trimester). It's hard, but just be there for each other. Especially her.

My advice is to let her know it's not her fault. She will blame herself, but it's natural. I know that is callous and shitty sounding, but it's true. I know it doesn't make the hurt any less, but it is. And things will get better.

We went through with testing but found no abnormalities. We didn't find out the sex, even though they said they could tell us. I guess it's cowardly, but I couldn't. I couldn't know.

 

[aliengmr]

My wife had 2 miscarriages while trying for our second, whom is due anytime between now and Feb 1st.

It's tough, believe me, but it's not the end. After the second miscarriage my wife went to donate blood and they told her she had a thing (I forget exactly what it was) where basically if her blood were to mix with baby's in any way it would be over.

So after our first son was born a little over 2 months early at 2 lbs 15 oz due to preeclampsia, 2 miscarriages, and my wife's poison blood, hope for a second child was pretty much gone.

Then she got pregnant again and we basically went with with a expect the worst/hope for the best approach. Turns out the whole issue with her blood wasn't an issue (which we wouldn't have found out if we had given up) and she is on track to go full term, which is something we never expected in the best case scenario.

Don't give up, it's not the end.

 

[Downhome]

We had friends suffer a miscarriage a couple of months ago, right at the end of their first trimester. I don't know if it was because I grew up seeing someone go through that, but I was really nervous when my wife told me she had invited them over for dinner a few weeks after they lost the baby. I told her that was the worst possible thing to do and that it would not at all be a help to them. Our son was about four months old at the time. She had them over anyway. She tried putting our son to bed before they arrived, but he would not cooperate. The tension in that room every time he cried. The woman who had lost her child told us how angry she was seeing other people struggle with pregnancy or complain about childbirth, because she wanted so bad to have that opportunity. My wife tried to change the subject, talked about how difficult it was treating our son's reflux. She didn't get that by talking about our son, or playing with our son in front of them, she was tormenting her friends. I don't think people understand how significant a loss a miscarriage can be unless they are personally affected by one.

We understand this just by being in the doctor's office waiting room yesterday. We knew something was wrong, and there we were, waiting in there with all of these happy, smiling, wonderful little families. All of these other women pregnant, nothing in the world wrong at that time at least for them, all of these little babies. It was very hard. Then we went back, didn't see a heartbeat, then had to go BACK to all of that to wait for the doctor to finally see us one on one.

I will say this though, I love the doctor we saw and he will absolutely be who we use from this day forward. As we were waiting, I was wondering how you break the final news to someone like this. Well, he did so in such a beautiful, loving, just wonderful way. He explained how it happens, there is rarely a "how or why" to the whole thing. He focused on it not being our fault, and on and on. I have so much respect for him. It was so kind. He didn't take away the pain, but he lessened the blow and made it far easier to accept. Not to mention he gave us HOPE. He said we have proven we are able to have children, and that's something that many sadly can not do. He said to try again, and we would be back to see him with a healthy pregnancy before we knew it. The guy was just awesome.

 

[Takuhi]

We had a similar experience—over Christmas and everything, and it was devastating for a while. I know how hard it is, but I really don't agree with the strategy of treating it with death-level gravitas. We found it much more helpful to keep reminding ourselves that the child we were mourning was a product of our imaginations—what my wife miscarried at 9 weeks was little more than a fertilized egg, and if it had happened just a few weeks earlier she probably wouldn't have even known she was pregnant at all. There's still every reason to believe that the child you'd been so excited to have is still on the way, now that you know your wife is capable of becoming pregnant.

As hard as it was, once we did successfully have a child, the miscarriage experience quickly transformed from a tragedy to just a bump on the road to his birth.

The one thing that's kind of trippy to think about is when you do get pregnant again and do have that child with all the excitement and love you'll have for it, you would have never had that child if the first one had been born. I love my daughter and it's weird for me to think how I might have never had her if the first time worked out.

Like this.

 

[Elixtar]

Here is a great, highly shared Medium account of a woman going through the same thing and asking similar questions written a few months ago. You may find it helpful.

My heart breaking secret that I wish I had shared