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[TheShocker]

Gah, sorry to hear that OP.

My wife and I had one in between our first and second child. It was a horrible and totally unexpected thing too. Everything was going fine and notmal and then one day my wife was like, "I don't feel pregnant anymore, I think we lost the baby." Our Doctor confirmed that fear and I just felt totally helpless. There had been a lot of good sound advice already in this thread, but the best thing you can do is be supportive to her.

Give it some time and when the time is right, you guys can give it another shot.

 

[Downhome]

We had a similar experience—over Christmas and everything, and it was devastating for a while. I know how hard it is, but I really don't agree with the strategy of treating it with death-level gravitas. We found it much more helpful to keep reminding ourselves that the child we were mourning was a product of our imaginations—what my wife miscarried at 9 weeks was little more than a fertilized egg, and if it had happened just a few weeks earlier she probably wouldn't have even known she was pregnant at all. There's still every reason to believe that the child you'd been so excited to have is still on the way, now that you know your wife is capable of becoming pregnant.

As hard as it was, once we did successfully have a child, the miscarriage experience quickly transformed from a tragedy to just a bump on the road to his birth.



Like this.

We are dealing with it as a mixture of the two. We completely, and totally, accept this as our first child. With that, we are also taking it with the belief that all things happen for a reason, even the unfortunate. We are also looking at this as a very sad bump in the road to truly having a living and breathing child, as well the fact that if this hadn't took place, that whoever our child is that is born never would have made it to us if this didn't happen.

I know a lot of it is also what we built up in our heads, the future, all of that. We can't just look at it as completely imaginary though, we just can't totally do that. Especially my wife, because she completely already had that mom bonding. It was amazing, she felt it, she was/is a mom. I loved seeing that change in her more than anything, it was incredible. More than ever we are ready to do this, and we can't wait.

 

[Red]

You two sound like great parents and I wish you the best of luck.

 

[theaface]

So sorry for you and your wife OP. It must an enormously challenging time for you both and I admire your courage for speaking so openly about your experience. My wife and I have been TTC for a year now without success, so miscarriage is a heightened fear of ours if/when we're successful.

I don't have any particular pearls of wisdom but I would suggest that even the most rational person (whether that be you or your wife) may have thoughts creeping in about what you might have done differently to lead to a different outcome. Be mindful that those thoughts can creep up without morning, and be prepared to firmly and swiftly shut them down - it's nothing more than just awful luck.

Wishing you and your wife all the best.

 

[pje122]

Your videos are very touching, OP.
Keep the faith. You'll get through this.

 

[anotherVegan]

Our condolences to you and your family. Stay strong and support each other, that's all you can do.

 

[SomTervo]

Sorry mate. So sorry.

Happened to my mum. I was maybe 9. Even aged 9 it hit me like a truck. And my parents already had me - it still hit them like a truck.

Can't imagine how it must feel.

As you said yourself, it's not an uncommon thing. Horrific, but not uncommon. Countless people come back from it. You can build forward from this.

Keep going.

We had a similar experience—over Christmas and everything, and it was devastating for a while. I know how hard it is, but I really don't agree with the strategy of treating it with death-level gravitas. We found it much more helpful to keep reminding ourselves that the child we were mourning was a product of our imaginations—what my wife miscarried at 9 weeks was little more than a fertilized egg, and if it had happened just a few weeks earlier she probably wouldn't have even known she was pregnant at all. There's still every reason to believe that the child you'd been so excited to have is still on the way, now that you know your wife is capable of becoming pregnant.

As hard as it was, once we did successfully have a child, the miscarriage experience quickly transformed from a tragedy to just a bump on the road to his birth.

This is sobering. Wise, but sobering.

 

[dab0ne]

My wife and I had a miscarriage also. We were living in California at the time and I was visiting relatives in Indiana with our first child. She's a doctor and one night, while doing rounds, something didn't feel right. She did an ultra sound on herself and couldn't find a heart beat. I couldn't imagine how it must have felt doing that all alone but she's a strong woman. She confirmed it in the morning with a colleague. I felt absolutely helpless and crushed. I flew home the next day to be with her and let me tell you it was long flight. She was into her second trimester so a procedure had to be done to remove the baby. It would've been a girl.

It was very hard but support each other and try again. You'll move past it and while the thought of what could have been still remains the pain subsides. Since our loss we've had a little boy and couldn't be happier.

My condolences.

 

[Imperial Hot]

I was the product of a miscarriage. My mother miscarried a month or so before they conceived me. It probably really sucks right now, but you have no idea what why things like that happen. Had my mom not miscarried I wouldn't be here.

 

[Duane Cunningham]

Complete, utter condolences buddy. My wife and I had something similar this past March with what would have been our third. We'll never really get over it. Hang in there.

 

[B.O.O.M]

It's going to be a bit of an emotional roller coaster. Someone real close to me went through this. Be there for her. With time you will overcome this. The person I was referring to has a beautiful family now as well. I'm sorry for your loss and sorry I couldn't be of a bigger help with my words but stay strong and time will heal, both of you.

 

[Cilla]

I am in the hospital right now waiting for my D&C. Baby had no heartbeat. This has been the longest week but I am glad I chose D&C as I didn't want to deal with the physical and emotional trauma of a miscarriage.


This was our first pregnancy too.

 

[Syrus]

Yesterday, we found out for sure that my wife has had a miscarriage.

My wife had an ectopic pregnancy in 2013, she fainted on the phone with me at work and her sister tushed her to the hospital. She had 5 liters of blood in her andomen because her tube ruptured.

She almost died and had to have surgery.

It was the scariest and worse day of my life. Shes my best friend.

She came out fine and we didnt talk too much about losing a baby but we cried several times and I was there for her.

It hurts but you have to get through it and keep trying for another baby.

One year after losing our first baby we get pregnant again and 9 months later our angel , Olivia , was born. Shes perfect and I wouldnt trade her for anything. She is the love of my life.

We went through something terrible but we got our baby girl because of what happened and I wouldnt change anything.

It will work out, there is light at the end of your tunnel. Just be there for your wife and try again when you are ready

 

[Jag]

My condolences. My wife had a miscarriage too. So did my sister and her sister. It's natures way of saying, "Yeah, this won't turn out well". My sister lost another child at around 7 or 8 months.They had to name and bury him. But they went ahead and had another boy who is a just a happy, funny kid.

Fast forward 15 years and we have two wonderful and healthy boys. We never talk about the miscarriage and just enjoy our sons (even when they drive us nuts!)

It's an unfortunate but extremely common part of childbearing.

 

[Steeped in a Sea of Games]

We suffered a miscarriage before my son was born. It was especially devastating because we'd been trying to have a kid for nearly 5 years. We were incredibly excited. Had our first ultrasound, and while a little small, things seemed ok. We even decided to tell a few people finally and then at 13 weeks, no heartbeat.

My wife tried to be strong, but collapsed when she told me (we found out through a phone call after an appointment and I was out). She cried, I cried, it was awful. The d/c was a hard experience because I was trying to hold it together, and while I won't say that it was harder on me than her, at least she was doped up for the rest of the day. It took us a few months to move on, but we knew we wanted to have a child so we had to try again.

My son was born happy and healthy (and is now 2 years old along with a daughter), but that pregnancy sucked. I mean, everything went fine, but the whole time we were emotional worrying about if it would end in another miscarriage. Every time I felt a kick, I couldn't help but think about the first one that I'd lost, and even now I can't help but sometimes wonder, but it is what it is.

I know that my baby was never going to make it, that there was something wrong and it couldn't possibly survive, but a part of my heart will always belong to little Brann.

 

[Gallbaro]

We had one at about 2 months. I remember my feelings were weird. Being pro choice, I did not consider the it was alive, but more a lost potential future.

My wife is adamant pro life so in her eyes, on top of everything else she was going through physically, it was the death of a child.

Just remember she literally had it worse than you at the moment.

 

[Maximo]

Went through this exact thing almost two years ago. Honestly, it was the worst time in my life up to that point. We found out that she was pregnant when she went in for a regular exam and her OB told her that there was something wrong and that she wanted to do a quick ultrasound, and she found the problem.. there's a baby in there! So we go back a couple weeks later (13 weeks at this point) that we are hoping we might be able to find out the sex of the baby.. The doctor is doing her ultrasound and I'm beaming from ear to ear, and she says after a few moments "we have a problem, I can't find a heart beat." I was like "Oh okay, so the baby is hiding from you?" Doctor tells me they're going to look more and have another doctor come in for a second look. Same thing.

So in that one day we go from thinking we'd find out the sex of the baby to learning our baby had already passed. Then at that point they wanted to do a D&C. I just felt completely numb and in a haze as you say. One of the things that wasn't too fun was that we'd told everyone the good news a week or so before so for weeks or so afterwards people kept congratulating us on the good news.

The night before the D&C they had my wife start taking meds at home that would start contractions to try to get things going for the surgery the next day. Shouldn't be a big issue they said. Well it caused awful bleeding and pain for my wife and she ended up passing him at home. We found out it was a him because he fell into the toilet at one point.. and I had to get him out with a salad spoon from the kitchen. Fuck.. And this was on my birthday.

The D&C in the hospital was still necessary due to wanting to make sure my wife's uterus was clear and everything was good. Probably the right thing to do, and I'd listen to her OB if that's what they're recommending.

Does it get easier? Yeah it does, but I think about him every day and my birthday since then has been bittersweet. Knowing that I share a birthday with my unborn son is cool, but I wish he was here with me.



That's what our OB said.. For whatever reason, the baby likely didn't develop correctly and so the miscarriage happened. That was one moment that made me feel slightly better. At least my son wasn't born into the world in a lot of pain or with a lifetime of surgeries ahead of him.

Jesus Christ words cannot explain how terrible you must have felt my heart truly goes out to you and the OP.

 

[onadesertedisland]

Take each day for what comes. Grieve and do not feel as though you must do so silently. Any emotions you have are ok, do not let others tell you they are not. Be supportive of one another, be there with your wife as a partner through this troubling time. Find time to love one another. It will get better.

 

[bryehn]

My wife had one really early. Shook her pretty good, but eventually we got around to trying again and made the most beautiful kid I could ask for.

 

[Kama_1082]

Wife and I have gone through 2 miscarriages and it was absolutely devistating to my wife's mind and body. We followed up each one with trying right again and we succeeded (she's currently 17 weeks with our second child)


It's essential that you stay strong and continue as life is normal. It helped my wife move on and enjoy what we have. Every woman is different so mileage may vary.

Edit: we didn't bury the fetus or even look at it. She just went to the ER and let nature take its course.

 

[Steeped in a Sea of Games]

A quick thought about the d/c or not if you were looking for opinions.

According to our doctor, getting a d/c sort of cleans things out and makes it possible to try again sooner, but emotionally you might not be ready for trying again that soon. Without one, it could potentially take months for everything to clear out (not always the case). Our d/c cost about $700 (we're on a high deductible plan with a health savings account so we pay most things out of that) done in a clinic rather than the hospital, so as much as it sucks, you might want to consider cost.

A d/c is also sort of like ripping a band-aid off, painful but it's over quickly versus natural which takes awhile but can be a little less of a shock. We did the d/c pretty quick because we thought we wanted to try again sooner, but my wife says looking back she might have waited a week to see how things were going naturally before getting the d/c. No matter what, it won't be fun, but you can and should try again. We were pregnant again 6 months later.

 

[Kama_1082]

A quick thought about the d/c or not if you were looking for opinions.

According to our doctor, getting a d/c sort of cleans things out and makes it possible to try again sooner, but emotionally you might not be ready for trying again that soon. Without one, it could potentially take months for everything to clear out (not always the case). Our d/c cost about $700 (we're on a high deductible plan with a health savings account so we pay most things out of that) done in a clinic rather than the hospital, so as much as it sucks, you might want to consider cost.

A d/c is also sort of like ripping a band-aid off, painful but it's over quickly versus natural which takes awhile but can be a little less of a shock. We did the d/c pretty quick because we thought we wanted to try again sooner, but my wife says looking back she might have waited a week to see how things were going naturally before getting the d/c. No matter what, it won't be fun, but you can and should try again. We were pregnant again 6 months later.

Going natural fucking SUCKS. It's an endless amount of pain for the woman, a shit load of blood and woman pretty much goes through child birth going natural. It's awful.

 

[Vyer]

Sorry to hear that OP. It has happened to us twice. I also have a close friend who went through it with his wife. Unfortunately they were also pretty far along and it hit them pretty hard.

Our first pregnancy went through with no issues, leading to my oldest son. But the two miscarriages happened between then and the birth of my second. For us they happened pretty early. It isn't easy, but you should know that it's more common than you would have expected, or at least I did before our experiences. Also, for us (especially the first time) it was real important that I give a lot of support to my wife, who found herself trying to think it was her 'fault' somehow. Which, as I understand it, is also a common thing.

All you can do is realize there's a lot of support out there as many have unfortunately had to experience it. Best of luck to you two in the future.

 

[Doge]

Like you said, it's very common. It happens quite often and it's the body's way of saying something isn't right. Your wife did nothing wrong or could have likely done anything to change the outcome even though it's common to question if you did something different would it have had a different outcome.

The one thing that's kind of trippy to think about is when you do get pregnant again and do have that child with all the excitement and love you'll have for it, you would have never had that child if the first one had been born. I love my daughter and it's weird for me to think how I might have never had her if the first time worked out.

That's kind of why I say everything happens for a reason. How one gets through it is up to them.

 

[Kama_1082]

That's kind of why I say everything happens for a reason. How one gets through it is up to them.

Yep. Sometimes it can destroy a marriage. After a 3rd miscarriage, a doctor can try to investigate why it's been happening and can suggest to not to try for a while.

 

[Akiyama_AE]

I'm really really sorry to hear that that sounds soul crushing stay strong my friend ):

 

[DrunkShogun]

Sorry to hear op. Honestly all you can do is be there for her and give her space if she needs it. Hope you have someone to confide to as well.

 

[Frodo]

Sorry to hear, OP.

Just make sure she doesn't feel guilty. This things are super common, and a lot of times miscarriages go unnoticed, they happen even before the woman had a chance to find out she was pregnant. I know it must be super hard, specially considering how happy you both seemed to be about it, but this things happen and there is nothing anyone can do to prevent it. Discuss with the doctors what is the best solution for her, let her choose what to do. And when you both are ready you can just try again.

 

[Linkyn]

I'm really sorry for you. I haven't been through this, myself, and I don't know whether this actually helps, but I do have a little anecdote.

After my parents got married, they tried to become parents, but struggled at first. My mother had two miscarriages, once before my older brother was born, and another time before I was born. I know that, at the time, they were absolutely devastated, but I do believe if those pregnancies had been carried to term, I probably would never have been born.

Above all, it's important to understand that sometimes, these things are out of your control, and that this is not the end of the world. More likely than not, you'll one day look back at this and realise that it was in no way a defining moment in your life.

 

[Steeped in a Sea of Games]

Going natural fucking SUCKS. It's an endless amount of pain for the woman, a shit load of blood and woman pretty much goes through child birth going natural. It's awful.

Well, some of it depends on how far along you are etc. At 8 weeks it won't be as bad as say 12. There are some minimal risks getting a d/c as well that should be considered.

From my perspective, I'd rather just get it over with (and did want it over with), but sometimes people find comfort in the natural process and I wasn't the one pregnant so I dunno. The whole process seems pretty grisly to me.

 

[Morrigan Stark]

I don't have anything else to add that hasn't been said I guess. Good luck OP, stay strong etc.

The night before the D&C they had my wife start taking meds at home that would start contractions to try to get things going for the surgery the next day. Shouldn't be a big issue they said. Well it caused awful bleeding and pain for my wife and she ended up passing him at home. We found out it was a him because he fell into the toilet at one point.. and I had to get him out with a salad spoon from the kitchen. Fuck.. And this was on my birthday.

Holy fuck that is brutal. No one should have to go through something like this. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Northeastmonk]

I've shared this once or twice, but when I was 18 or 19 I got my HS girlfriend pregnant. We went to her senior prom with her at least a few months pregnant. They ended up having family come down, they sold a car I guess, and she had an abortion. The relationship was pretty bad at the end, but I sometimes think back on it. I haven't really had a down to earth relationship since. I've had 1 or 2 girlfriends, but nothing major.

I think back to it because her sister had a child and they kept her baby, so I try not thinking back. I lost communication with them for like 10+ years, so it's not even something to remember. I wonder sometimes, but that's it.

It's sad to think, yeah my kid could be close to high school now or something, but there wasn't anything I could have done to prevent that from happening.

 

[RetroMG]

My heart goes out to you, OP. Just hold on to her. All you can do. My wife and I have been trying for years, and I can't imagine going though what you are going through now. It's literally my worst nightmare.

 

[Jeff Albertson]

So sorry OP

My wife is pregnant with our second and it's something that constantly worries me, I can only imagine how awful it must be.

She's 35 weeks now and I'm still terrified each day that something could go wrong!

 

[Samara]

This thread makes me so sad. You have my condolences.

I am in the hospital right now waiting for my D&C. Baby had no heartbeat. This has been the longest week but I am glad I chose D&C as I didn't want to deal with the physical and emotional trauma of a miscarriage.


This was our first pregnancy too.

Can't imagine what your going thru. Stay strong.

 

[reptilescorpio]

Going through a miscarriage is traumatic as fuck and people usually don't discuss it. My thoughts go out to you and your wife OP. Hope things go better from here on out

 

[Cilla]

This thread makes me so sad. You have my condolences.



Can't imagine what your going thru. Stay strong.

Thanks. I'm still waiting to go in. They've said it could be another four hours.

 

[Vigilant Walrus]

I'm sorry this happened to you. I know terrifyingly little about miscarriages, but it's something I thought about.

Daily we hear about how everything we eat and cell phone signals and polution, smoking and drinking all impacts both mens and womens fertility, so how the hell are people supposed to calm and rational?
It seems an oxymoron when stress and anxiety can hurt fertility as well?




Stay strong, and allow yourselves to be sad. You got each other! Use that as a way of finding strength. I believe personally I trying and working through it and coming to terms with it. I think that is the best way, but I don't speak from experience.

 

[jond76]

Sorry for your loss, OP. I can only imagine the devastation.

My wife and I kept her pregnancy under wraps for 10 weeks just to be on the safe side.

You guys will try again and succeed, and the child will be amazing. Good luck to you.

 

[MonkeyKing]

It's terribly crushing, and surprisingly common. We went through several before finally having three healthy girls. Our firstborn would have been a boy, and a teen by now but....ah well.

Give love and support to each other. Subsequent pregnancies will probably be fine but nerve wracking. I couldn't relax until I was holding newborn baby in my own hands.

Hang on; this too shall pass.

 

[Kevtones]

I have no advice but I wanted to share my condolences. I'm so sorry.

 

[Steeped in a Sea of Games]

She's 35 weeks now and I'm still terrified each day that something could go wrong!

Don't worry. Even after birth you get to freak out for the first year because of SIDS.

I still go to check on my son from time to time even though I know he's ok.

 

[PalaceBrother]

Here is a great, highly shared Medium account of a woman going through the same thing and asking similar questions written a few months ago. You may find it helpful.

My heart breaking secret that I wish I had shared

Jesus. Thanks for posting this. It was a tough read, but hit home.

 

[andycapps]

Trust me, that's not an issue for me. My wife is of course devastated, but I think right now at this very second I'm taking it even harder than her. She says it is because she has "just known" something bad was wrong for the last week or so, since she started spotting, while I remained really positive and optimistic trying to keep her from breaking apart at all times. It didn't truly hit me until I heard her levels had dropped, and of course the ultrasound yesterday.

I can say that I really do feel like I've lost a child. I mean, to me I HAVE lost a child (I'm not getting into politics and crap, this isn't the place for it), and my level of hurt is acceptable in my eyes. I can't even begin to imagine how it would be to have one go full term and have it be stillborn, or God forbid a parent losing a child after it has been born at any time in the future after that. I've never felt this much hurt over anything, and we have been through a lot.

The next time, and we are starting to try as soon as a just a couple weeks or so once the miscarriage is truly completed, we will not tell anyone other than those we HAVE to tell, and we certainly wont tell our entire family or post it on Facebook like we did with this one.

We were so caught up in the excitement, the fact that we found out on Thanksgiving, the plans we made for everyone for Christmas, that we just told ourselves that there was NO WAY that we would be one of those all too common statistics. We really felt like we were in the clear. Heck, we at least waited until we had our first ultrasound and saw that first healthy 128 bpm heartbeat! How could it happen to us after that? Sadly, we certainly learned our lesson on that one.

Thanks guys, this helps more than you know.

I had the same issue. I took it almost as hard as my wife. I can't say I took it harder than her because I'm not her and wasn't the mom carrying the baby, but I took it really hard. Most people that you'll meet are under the assumption that the mom is devastated and that the dad doesn't really need any comfort or anything, he probably doesn't care that much. And I felt just as hurt as she did. I think it also ties into what's acceptable in our modern culture.. That men are supposed to be rugged and not show emotion, and it's just assumed that we're not affected by things. I didn't feel that way, and I totally understand that you don't either. Hopefully some of your friends will support you and help you through this time, as well as your wife.

Jesus Christ words cannot explain how terrible you must have felt my heart truly goes out to you and the OP.

I don't have anything else to add that hasn't been said I guess. Good luck OP, stay strong etc.

Holy fuck that is brutal. No one should have to go through something like this. My heart goes out to you.

Thanks guys. It really sucked. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

 

[Downhome]

I am in the hospital right now waiting for my D&C. Baby had no heartbeat. This has been the longest week but I am glad I chose D&C as I didn't want to deal with the physical and emotional trauma of a miscarriage.


This was our first pregnancy too.

I'm so sorry for your loss as well. I hope everything went as well as it possibly could for you. Please let me know.

andycapps, thanks for those words. I'm not the least bit ashamed to let people know that I'm hurting. Last night I gathered our baby stuff and put most of it in a bottom drawer in our bedroom. We will take it all out again, hopefully sooner rather than later, but we had to get it out of sight. I held the "Daddy & Me" frame and the little stuffed elephant family gave us and just thought for a little while about everything, then placed it on top in the drawer. It felt like I was literally placing our child in a coffin and closing it up. I know this sounds morbid, but ugh, I can't help it.

This morning I woke up to my wife quietly crying. She told me she didn't sleep at all last night, that nightmares kept her awake. She said they were about having to make the decision of a natural miscarriage or to have the D&C. This sucks.

Thanks to everyone else as well!

 

[captive]

The only thing I can say of its way more common than you think and people will understand man.

Sorry to hear it.

came to post this. It seems its way more common, but most people dont talk about it for fear of shame, or other things.

Don't be afraid to get her to talk to a professional if you or her feel she is in need of talking to someone.

 

[Camwi]

What you said about feeling like you already had a child doesn't sound stupid. I think I did a pretty good job of keeping a bit disconnected with the pregnancy of my wife, just in case something bad came up, but there's no way you can be disconnected as a pregnant woman unless you're just a heartless monster.

I can't even imagine what you wife is dealing with right now. That bond is really something special. My wife said that even though her pregnancy was absolute hell, she still missed it after our daughter was born because she never felt alone. Showers in particular were times when she felt a special connection.

My sister had a miscarriage after her first child. She now has two kids, a son and a daughter. I don't know that that pain will ever go away, as I've never talked to her about it, but all I can say is find a way to move forward and things will work out for your eventually.

I wish you and your wife the best of luck.

 

[fixedpoint]

I'm sorry for your loss. My wife and I had a similar experience on our first try; support, love and time are required.

...
He focused on it not being our fault, and on and on. I have so much respect for him. It was so kind. He didn't take away the pain, but he lessened the blow and made it far easier to accept. Not to mention he gave us HOPE. He said we have proven we are able to have children, and that's something that many sadly can not do. He said to try again, and we would be back to see him with a healthy pregnancy before we knew it. The guy was just awesome.

When the time is right I wish you both the best of luck : )

 

[WGMBY]

Holy shit OP, I'm sorry for your loss. You and your wife stay strong.

 

[Linkark07]

Sorry about what happened to you OP.

I know an uncle and his wife had two miscarriage. It was hard for them, but they continued trying and didn't lose hope. Thankfully, their third try was successful, but quite dangerous. Since her blood is too thick, she had to inject herself some substances for feed the baby inside the belly.

Overall, I say don't be discouraged, and continue with your life. Unless the doctor says otherwise, keep trying, and of course, be careful.