Vermillion
Banned
You just have to tell her the truth and hope for the best. Be straight, but not harsh. You have to let her down gently, but she has to know that you're serious, and that you're not at all saying there's a chance. GL, dude.
-
Hey, guest user. Hope you're enjoying NeoGAF! Have you considered registering for an account? Come join us and add your take to the daily discourse.
Dating-Age |OT3| Positivity, Confidence, and Not Being a "Nice" Guy
- Thread starter soultron
- Start date
- Status
You just have to tell her the truth and hope for the best. Be straight, but not harsh. You have to let her down gently, but she has to know that you're serious, and that you're not at all saying there's a chance. GL, dude.
Jzero
Member
Just straight up tell her that you only see her as a friend. That's what i did and everything went great. She's still one of my best friends.
Ether_Snake
å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®
I'm still boring as fuck. Ugh. I hate that my hobby is basically doing illustrations which I do on my PC.
I need to do something for real this summer. I could ride my bike to nowhere but that's still not really a hobby.
I should know how to ice-skate, I should know how to snowboard, should know how to rollerblade, but I do none of that. Tough getting started doing something new all on your own at this age.
I need to do something for real this summer. I could ride my bike to nowhere but that's still not really a hobby.
I should know how to ice-skate, I should know how to snowboard, should know how to rollerblade, but I do none of that. Tough getting started doing something new all on your own at this age.
The last paragraph is contradictory. I mean you're saying "be different, don't hide it, but embrace it" but then you turn around and suggest "if you like anime, hide it!". It's like the "be yourself, but only if it meets our standards" argument to me. I guess I'm lucky I don't even have the patience to get into anime.
wormstrangler
Banned
How old?
You could be linking turns on a snowboard after about 3 - 5 hours. After that, it's all glorious fun and quick improvement!
And it's cheap, too. Craigslist. You can have _ALL_ your gear for under $250 including board and bindings. Lift ticket in spring time should be extremely cheap and spring is the perfect time to learn. The snow will be forgiving, there won't be a lot of people in your way.
Just do it.
Ether_Snake
å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®
Next year I guess. I'd need to find a way to get there, I have no car. I'm 29.
Vermillion
Banned
There's no good anime these days anyways.
Though I will always watch DBZ if it's on. Nothing else get that treatment because... well, it's fucking DBZ.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
How do you guys channel your smart-ass sense of humor into actual charm and wit?
I've been told I just come off as a dick. And not just a dick-dick, a mean-spirited cynical dick. I honestly wasn't shooting for mean-spirited cynical dick, I was genuinely trying to be funny and charming. Well, I wasn't even qualified to be a dick, I was called a douchebag, which wasn't my intent. Maybe it's my delivery. It's not dead-pan, it comes off as borderline hysterical or mustache-twirling villain. I'm not genuinely witty, I replace it with self-deprecation. I can only dead-pan with my buddies around. Actually, I can only start conversations with strangers with my friends around, but it's generally okay. If you fail horribly, you can laugh it off with your friends. Going solo never works.
Hey, how do you guys stop yourself from talking too much? I get carried away.
Bus it. Carpool. Don't try no excuses.
I've been told I just come off as a dick. And not just a dick-dick, a mean-spirited cynical dick. I honestly wasn't shooting for mean-spirited cynical dick, I was genuinely trying to be funny and charming. Well, I wasn't even qualified to be a dick, I was called a douchebag, which wasn't my intent. Maybe it's my delivery. It's not dead-pan, it comes off as borderline hysterical or mustache-twirling villain. I'm not genuinely witty, I replace it with self-deprecation. I can only dead-pan with my buddies around. Actually, I can only start conversations with strangers with my friends around, but it's generally okay. If you fail horribly, you can laugh it off with your friends. Going solo never works.
Hey, how do you guys stop yourself from talking too much? I get carried away.
Bus it. Carpool. Don't try no excuses.
As far as being a mean-spirited cynical dick I think it usually has to do with unresolved pain / issues. I have a friend like that and surprise he doesn't have many close friends nor has he had any success in dating for a while and the last one ended with him having a minor fit and putting his former gf down a lot.
Depends on what you're really saying but you have to be aware of other peoples' feelings. Maybe talk a bit more about your humor here and why it makes people upset.
As far as talking too much, you have to be mindful of yourself. It's a really bad trait, especially if you come off as uninterested in other people. #1. Watch how much you talk and stop yourself / slow yourself. #2. Become genuinely interested in people other than yourself.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
But I don't have any unresolved pain or issues (at least nothing that I'm aware of). And I do have close friends, they're okay with my sense of humour. It's just when I'm meeting new people, people tell me that I don't come off well. I don't go around wanting to hurt people's feelings. I'm trying to be genuine, so I don't understand what I'm doing that makes me come off as a jerk.
Edit: The people that tell me these things are my friends and siblings. I wonder if they're just messing with my head.
I'm going to take a stab at this. First, manners. You can't be charming without them. Second, understanding that you don't know every damn thing, and what you do know doesn't mean a damn thing either. That should take care of your smart-ass problem.
FelixOrion
Poet Centuriate
How do you deal with friends telling you "I'm surprised you're still single" or "You'd be such a catch," etc.?
I don't know how respond to those comments without being overly cynical.
I don't know how respond to those comments without being overly cynical.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
I'm the most polite person I know. I got refined manners coming out of rear. See, I'm so mannered, I don't say that I have manners flying out of my ass. The latter part of your statement, yeah I can see that happening. It's pretty subconscious though, I do and say things without thinking about them.
Self-deprecation's my crutch. Hm... you could always just say you're waiting for The One.
The Anti-Monitor
Banned
This would depend greatly on your success rate.
And cynical people are seen as less approachable. You have to tone it down before meeting that person, or be very upfront about it and still try to come off as friendly/interesting.
FelixOrion
Poet Centuriate
So, if my success rate is 0%, all time?
That's so hard for me. I'm an actor, but that's when I'm on stage. I feel like trying to hide that part of me is lying to a person, and I'd rather not base a relationship, romantic or platonic, on a lie.
I think that implies that I'll be waiting one hell of a long time.
Life is what you make of it. You could ride your bike to nowhere so just do it as you will never know what happens while doing it. Maybe nothing, but maybe an adventure or interesting story.
You probably live in a city with far more venues than I do in Canada, and yet I`ve asked a girl out to our massively shitty Calgary zoo (because we just got Penguins) in the bitter cold and still made it work. I also bought a print of an Elephant painting done by one of our Elephants because... well do you have one? Do most people? No. I have something extra to talk about now.
Russell Peter`s is coming to Calgary and I`ve bought tickets to see him. The Calgary Comic-Con has a bunch of stars coming(apparently including the entire cast of the Next Generation though sadly I`m not much of a Star Trek fan) and I figure I might as well grab a picture of me hanging out with Adam West (and maybe a picture of Shane from the Walking Dead or Patrick Stewart).
One of my workplaces entered the Calgary Corporate Challenge last year and we cleaned up our division with me getting a couple medals. This year I signed up for more events even though I felt like I was dying year. Why? Because the one event I dropped out of and let someone else participate ended up winning a Silver and that was the only medal I missed. One shitty choice NOT to do something can have significant repercussions in life.
I traveled to Kuala Lumpur and Malacca, Paris, Nice, and Monaco last year and met race car driver Fernando Alonzo, had dinner with the Prime Minister of Malaysia and had breakfast with some former Malaysian Minister of Sport.
The books I buy? The entire range of who's who in world history, politics, poetry and philosophy all proudly published by Penguin books. You want to appear intelligent? Be intelligent by learning and interpreting. I can recite several of my favorite poems by memory or remember my favorite quotes from my favorite plays in Latin or reference ideas from German philosophers in German, which I'm learning myself now thanks to a thread from GAF. I also happen to know Latin, which incidentally proved impressive when I was down in the Parisian Catacombs translating epitaphs when talking to this random girl I met while waiting in line that morning.
Just the other day I was explaining to a co-worker the advances of modern science as gained from watching lectures from Krauss, Tyson and Ramachandran. Origins or life? A universe from nothing? NASA funding? Cochlear implants? You'll see a ton of these types of threads on GAF, which is one of the reasons why I like it so much. Just view, learn and incorporate.
Just recently there was a thread on John Collins about aerodynamics and paper planes. I watched it and bought his book. Why? So that I too can make awesome paper planes as yet another skill and have another interesting topic to talk about.
Even things I hate doing is better than nothing. I went to a play with my brother a month ago called "Attempts on Her Life", a shitty beatnik post-modern "thing" that didn't appeal to me but at least I can have one more interesting story to tell over someone that doesn't.
I'm 29, the same as you. Things only happen when you give them an opportunity to and that's the real question you have to ask of yourself. Are you giving yourself for random awesome things to happen or distancing yourself from reality to the point where it can be tough to reach you? Are you aware of your surroundings enough to notice or can Godzilla walk by without you realizing?
Hmm. I think some of my friends don't understand how they come off too, but at least in the people I know there's at least some pain there because when an argument breaks out about their attitude / expression they get all defensive and angry.
People never told me I was a catch or were surprised that I was single when I wasn't dating and had a 0% success rate. I think people would have thought 'yeah, that makes sense'. So with you, you're probably just missing a few small things which you'll definitely catch on to sooner or later.
I guess people must think highly of you and are genuinely confused when you aren't getting what you want. Is it possible that you're actually ravishingly handsome and women are intimidated by you or something?
Should? Should? I don't know how to ice skate, snowboard, rollerblade, or even SWIM and I think I'm doing pretty great.
#1. You don't need to know all of those things or any of those things.
#2. I got started doing a shit ton of things for the first time recently and it's been awesome. Put fear behind you, hope and being driven to try that new stuff is your new master. Life is an adventure, or at least it will be if you take that attitude and start really living.
P.S. I was one year older than you before I really started living.
FelixOrion
Poet Centuriate
Well, some like one of my better friends, who's also on GAF, has half-joking has told me, "Yeah, there's a girl out there who loves beards and metal and acting and shit" but I don't know.
Ravishingly handsome? That I've never been called but I'll let you judge for yourself. If they are simply intimidated, I think they're more intimidated by my demeanor if anything.
my older brother is jobless, broke, and was living with us (me, and my parents). he managed to get a really hot girlfriend, and since meeting her, sleeps at her place now.
I don't know how he does it.
You look plenty good so that's not your problem. I'm really into all sorts of things that girls I'm dating aren't into but we share enough and we work well enough together that all of it is working out so far. Girl doesn't have to be into everything you're into, in fact you're never going to find that and I'm not either because I can't even find a male internet friend that likes all the same shit as I do.
So I don't know you well enough to know what it is about you that isn't working out for you, but it's nothing obvious. I used to ask my friends desperately what my problem was, it was actually a whole bunch of things but it was also that I needed practice & confidence.
hawkshockey11
Banned
First and foremost try to say that stuff with a smile on your face. You can occasionally throw in a dead pan expression to throw people off but always smile after it.
Never insult peoples morals or physical features in a joke. Keep it to what they are doing/ wearing etc.
And don't focus too much on one person. Spread the jokes around lightly.
Vermillion
Banned
You're actually pretty attractive.
Slayer-33
Liverpool-2
I couldn't live with myself if I was like that much less have the indecency to even attempt that with a woman.
I know there's a bunch of free loading dudes in life that end up with the good looking women.. I just don't understand how women tolerate that shit.
FelixOrion
Poet Centuriate
I don't know. I understand that (and he does too, it was just kinda a semi-joke), and yeah I need practice, but I hardly have time enough for that or the opportunities to practice. I honestly wouldn't even know what to do if I a girl said yes to a date or anything. I've always gotten noes.
At times I get in this rut where I convince myself, "Dude, stop trying. You're gonna be alone, so just deal."
Well, it's never helped me then. :/
Vermillion
Banned
Looks help (a lot), certainly, but they aren't the whole picture.
FelixOrion
Poet Centuriate
I've never seen myself as attractive and no one has ever really told me that, so I just go by what people have told me what they think of me when I was younger.
They're not good things.
Vermillion
Banned
You actually remind me of Ted Mosby, back when he had the goatee and stuff? Except with dirty blonde hair. You try shaving? You're far from unattractive.
EDIT: For comparison:
FelixOrion
Poet Centuriate
You actually remind me of Ted Mosby, back when he had the goatee and stuff? Except with dirty blonde hair. You try shaving? You're far from unattractive.
EDIT: For comparison:
I can see the resemblance. Unfortunately, I had to go completely clean cut for a play (there was issues with getting me into my make-up and period/era issues of the play). I looked like 15 year old.
EDIT: Plus, I have a really bad scar on my chin. The beard hides it.
Etrian Oddity
Member
Maybe it's the combo of stress from school and student organization obligations, but damn, this recent flake really got to my self-esteem even though I know it shouldn't. Regardless of what I know I should be, I already feel that bitterness I used to feel all those years ago start to creep in because of my anger at never succeeding with women. Yet another semester by, and I have nothing to show for it but having met either attention whores who only further screw up with my self-confidence or frigid ice queens who don't know what they want.
Alas, summer is almost here, which means I'll turn my attention to working out and getting into my 3-month extreme health kick. Still, all of these fucked up experiences with women can't help but slowly pick away at my outlook and attitude.
Alas, summer is almost here, which means I'll turn my attention to working out and getting into my 3-month extreme health kick. Still, all of these fucked up experiences with women can't help but slowly pick away at my outlook and attitude.
Ether_Snake
å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®å®
I did start doing more stuff over the last year, and I traveled too. But I don't find it particularly uplifting to roll myself through random stuff like a Katamari ball just to be able to point back at it and say that's me instead of a blank canvas. I bought a guitar, I'm slowly learning to play it. I'll possibly buy a condo soon. I'll start doing interior mountain (wall) climbing later this year with some coworkers, etc. But it doesn't change things that much. It gives me something to do, but there's still a big hole that none of this really fills.
Try just a short beard of 5 oclock shade or something, not a goatee.
Vermillion
Banned
Mm, that sucks. But you don't look half bad with the beard anyways.
FelixOrion
Poet Centuriate
That's gonna last me all of two day, tops. My facial hair grows like mad. I'd be trimming like no other. I try to keep it as short as possible.
Yeah, that's just my reasoning. I've tried different forms too. I have a full beard during the winter usually, but that gets really scraggly. In high school/early college I had a just the goatee with no mustache, but I kept reading things like that's one of the worst choices to have for facial hair.
Vermillion
Banned
Body type?
FelixOrion
Poet Centuriate
Skinny as a post and unable to alter it, to the best of my attempts.
Devolution
Member
Drink whole milk. Eat cottage cheese and avocados. That's how I've been doing it and I've gained some weight.
Vermillion
Banned
Hm. Exercise. It's notably harder for those with a quick metabolism to gain muscle, but it is possible. Try swimming.
FelixOrion
Poet Centuriate
Can't get whole here unless I decided to go out of my way and pay a pretty penny for it. I could try cottage cheese on regular basis, but no avocados. Nasty.
But's not gonna help, imho. You should see how much junk I scarf down and how little I exercise in recently years. And I'm not in the least bit fat. My metabolism is fucking weird.
If only I had the time
and wasn't scared as fuck of deep water
That is my issue. I have a fast metabolism & when I played HS baseball I was taking in nearly three times the calories of a normal daily diet would ask for. I had 4 protein shakes a day, worked out twice a day, & only then was I gaining weight. I'm off that now & can't gain weight, though I still eat around 3,500 calories a day, eat lots of fruit & protein heavy foods, plus run a mile each morning.
I've been doing 100 crunches and 50 pull-ups each day as well. By no means built, but pretty tone.
Glorified G
Member
Dude. All this shit doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Skinny, muscular, clean shaven, goatee etc. None of it. Your lack of success is directly related to lack of confidence. Don't be so self conscious about what you think you should look and go with what you feel comfortable with. The more comfortable you are with yourself, the more comfortable other people will be around you. Plus, it'll help you deal with rejection alot more
FelixOrion
Poet Centuriate
As much as I know how right you are, I can't just stop being self-conscious. I can try, sure, but I just overthink things way too much and that's just who I am. I've always just been uncomfortable in my own skin. Plus, it's hard to have confidence about my appearance when that's what I've been ridiculed for years for. Wimpy, four-eyes,
faggot
Whatever. I'm probably just gonna have to wait until after college to get a legitimate date anyways, my school's male:female ratio is fucked up.
Vermillion
Banned
You know which group of people is usually the worst at judging guys? Other guys. You can't let them dictate the rest of your life. Don't give them that win.
I can't say I know exactly what you're going through - the mockery stopped after elementary school. But you've got to do you. Try dressing nicely in the morning. Smile. Keep your head up as you walk to your classes. You can look at an angle slightly above others' heads if it helps. Enjoy and embrace yourself. You'll have to deal with being who you are because you can't be anyone else. So you'll have to make your looks work for you, and your style.
You have your own particular set of tools that no one else does. You just have to master them.
FelixOrion
Poet Centuriate
Oh, my mockery continued for a long time. I never told my parents, but I was still getting bullied throughout high school. It still goes on, but on a much less frequent basis, often by people I don't know.
It's always worth a try, but attempting being that optimistic all the time is gonna drain me so much emotionally. The old pessimistic me will give it a try, but no bets.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
Are you still in high school or something? Who is bullying you now?
Defeatism is easy. Being optimistic will probably feel better in the long run. Being pessimistic all the time just keeps you in a shell/force field type thing all of the time.
Vermillion
Banned
Also, you can't take peoples' shit. Snappy retorts. Trust me - I have experience (in college). If you just let people walk over you, they will. And going to the gym helps to give a physically imposing presence, so they aren't stupid enough to attack you.
But you're an actor. You should be able to exude a false confidence, or an imposing image. Especially since you play villains. Not to be scary (you'll drive away more people), but to show that you won't take that shit.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
He's an actor? Fantastic! Just fake everything, eventually you won't have to. Play the greatest role in your life: Awesome Felix. Play him, not as a tragic Byronic hero, but as the all-powerful insightful and witty villain that everyone secretly roots for.
FelixOrion
Poet Centuriate
No I'm in college, but you still get the "fratbros" and what have you. It's just easier to avoid them.
And I know that, but I can't force myself out. Like I was at a practice for a play I have coming up, and I was just making comments to my friends in a pretty friendly open manner and I must've hit a nerve or something because they just on edge. I was pretty taken aback and just buried my head in homework when I was off-stage. I'm horrible at reading people and I feel like if I that's gonna happen so often if I'm just out there.
But like I said, I feel that's lie. The way I act is I approach it as a "controlled lie." You believe me on stage because I'm a good liar. Like I said before, I don't want to act to a certain way to build a friendship or relationship with someone like that. I don't want that built on a fallacy.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
My school doesn't have fraternities, so I've never really encountered "fratbros". I'm surprised, from my experience, everyone at college/university leave most of that petty bullshit behind.
I don't think it's a lie to fake confidence. I think to a degree, everyone "fakes" confidence. It's how I deal with my insecurity during a presentation or something (when my manner of speaking to people actually works in my favour) with my bizarre tangents and somewhat abrasive manner and overtalking that plays to an audience better than a one-on-one conversation. It's not a lie to fake confidence in order to meet someone or just talk to someone. When you first meet someone, just fake confidence a bit. Over time show them your real self. Because from what I'm hearing, your first impression comes off somewhat closed-off. You need to open yourself up, and dude, maybe swallow your pride and fake it to make it.
FelixOrion
Poet Centuriate
I can see your point. It's something I need to work on. And I mean I try that to an extent, but I don't want that confidence to turn into a persona, because once that confidence isn't me being a little more confident, then it become another person that's not me. If I really consciously try to fake being extra confident, I'm gonna start think about the encounters and what to say from behind that mask and that character, and that's not me anymore.
NotTheGuyYouKill
Member
Dude, I think you might need a shrink. You make it sound like you'll develop a split-personality/persona that'll steal your life bit-by-bit as you sleep.
- Status