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[besada]

This was pretty terrible, both in terms of conception and execution. I suppose there is a market for Bible parodies, but given that there are dozens of relatively well-known, well-written parodies out there, I can't imagine why anyone would need this one.

 

[Spider from Mars]

i was gonna say "i like the part where you use the word "retard" and "faggot" a lot" but as a joke because that's grotesque and juvenile and not something i like at all, but then i got to this part where you talk about "the first transexual (sic)" in which Abram's father Terah is a "tranpire" with "shemale fangs" who created a "tranpire army" of "manly bitches" and then there's pages of story in which Abraham murders monster transgendered people in California

and i'm pretty sure you're an awful human being

He told me I misunderstood when I called him out for slut shaming in the first 3 paragraphs. Perhaps he will enlighten us.

 

[EmCeeGramr]

"nigga o'coon the black who took over all of africa" ("Genesis" 10:4)

please explain this line

 

[Zaptruder]

Hey OP. Maybe you're right. And everybody else is wrong. And you'll get your immense satisfaction when you've proven that everyone is so wrong that they don't want to be right.

 

[Windam]

South Park is written better. Sorry, OP.

 

[AudioNoir]

The thing is, you can kick start anything if you can sell your idea. Just because a kickstart is successful doesn't make your idea good, or mean that it will sell to anyone outside of the original donors.

Well this is it. Anything is up for a Kickstart, but I'm getting the feeling here that OP thinks his material is a hell of a lot better than it is.

This is like watching a car accident in slo-mo.

 

[theWB27]

I can see, and as a fellow writer( waaay different tone though), you're not taking any criticism in this thread. Rebuffing every response isn't the way to go.

Looking for that one or two positive response to reinforce your idea doesn't mean you're writing something meaningful.

Also, since you're trying to do a kickstarter you're going to need alot more people saying yes. So if majority are saying it won't work....don't think a kickstarter will work.

 

[Kano on the Phone]

i was gonna say "i like the part where you use the word "retard" and "faggot" a lot" but as a joke because that's grotesque and juvenile and not something i like at all, but then i got to this part where you talk about "the first transexual (sic)" in which Abram's father Terah is a "tranpire" with "shemale fangs" who created a "tranpire army" of "manly bitches" and then there's pages of story in which Abraham murders monster transgendered people in California

and i'm pretty sure you're an awful human being

I honestly have no idea how you made it that far. I applaud you.

 

[DECK'ARD]

I can't believe there is 89 pages of this.

OP, this isn't your manifesto is it? Don't go on a killing spree please.

 

[Ntsouls]

It's in the right ballpark as far as my personal tastes in humour, but there's no way I'd stick around for the end of the game. Like, the concept is a good one, but you're definitely not the guy to write it.

Maybe try dog grooming? Everyone loves dogs!

One mans draft is the same mans finished product eventually.

It would be one thing if this was a new or original idea.

But it isn't.

It would be another thing if it was a really good take on an old idea.

But it isn't.

You clearly have a lot of energy and excitement. I just think you should channel it elsewhere for now.



Also you should try and be less defensive. It is not helping

I don't think any reaction would help or hinder any more or less. I am just trying to be engaging to the people who took the time to read or respond with more than a couple words.

Gimmickey bibles are not really a new or fresh idea. Hard to imagine it'd build much buzz or get people hyped. Also tough for me to imagine it'd move past hype into actual excellent execution, because the material doesn't seem well-suited to comedy to me. But perhaps I'm not as visionary as you.

I don't know. I may be a victim ...what was that complex where somebody thinks they are a visionary but they really are not?
I may be wrong.
BUt I know that every time I read through it, I find things I want to change and fix.

This version here is merely the first version where It is more or less readable.

You might want to work on spelling, grammar, sentence flow, and diction issues. :/

Yes...yes I know.

Don't give up, OP. Jesus also stood up against his naysayers!

Thanks

Don't retweet or get off message on this account. You should only be posting Bible verses and nothing else. @everyword and other Twitter projects would have ruined their flow if they were doing random shit between a Twitter project.

Thanks. I don't know enough about twitter. So I appreciate your advice.

What about following people? How should I go about doing that? Should I follow then tweet @ them? or?

...what?
I said use this as a learning experience, not just give up. Grow as a writer, look at successful examples of BOOKS.

Like, why are you comparing a musical to a book?

I meant in the beginning. When Minecraft was in its alpha. When it was raw.

I look around at all arts as relative enough to be relate-able enough to be mentioned.
My knowledge of literary similarities to what I am doing are few and...well...none.

I wrote. Showed friends who aren't big readers, and then continued. People liked it. People laughed.

I know re writing is important. I know Grammar and so forth are important too. But this is all things an editor can assist with.

 

[Paskil]

"nigga o'coon the black who took over all of africa" ("Genesis" 10:4)

please explain this line

Pretty sure he/she bailed by now. I would die from embarrassment if this was the reaction I got from something like this.

Edit: Whoops, spoke too soon.

 

[TUSR]

this is unbelievably awful

 

[Crimsonclaw111]

"But Laban said to him, 'Just like dat homie? Dude, just stay cuz da Lord got yo bak. Dats da kind of shit I need roun her'"

Page 56, don't know how to cite Bible pages but it's either 30:27 or 30:28 I think. OP this is fucking atrocious and not even close to funny.

Thread of the year just for the backfire though.

 

[alfredofroylan]

I have an alternative title for this: The Wayan Brothers Holy Book, seriously it's the kind of stuff that I can expect from those, it's like scrapping the bottom of the comedy barrel.

 

[kess]

I've seen religions better reasoned than this

 

[Kano on the Phone]

This version here is merely the first version where It is more or less readable.

Holy shit, please post the older ones.

 

[Fracas]

24:15 Before he had finished praying, there came Rebekah with her water jug on her shoulder and her chest jugs in her blouse. She was a rather large girl. Not corpulent, but jolly or sassy in description. She was the daughter of Bethuel, the inventor of the sneeze guard, who was the daughter of Milcah the cat milker (Milcah was the wife of Abraham‟s brother Nahor. So, still keepin it in the family. Yup.).

24:16 The young woman was cute in the face, despite being a bit hefty. Plus she was a virgin according to Dave‟s “Fool-Proof Virgin-Detection System (he just cupped her vagina), though she would give-up the anus if somebody begged hard enough. No. No man had ever had sex with her vagina (again, her anus pretty much had a tiny traffic light above it that was always on yellow. Which means you could go as long as no one is looking and you're fast enough).

This can't be real

 

[Brakke]

One mans draft is the same mans finished product eventually.

You're really committing to this metaphor huh. Well one man's pile of dinosaur shit is another person's shitty, flawed diamond... eventually, and by no virtue of the dinosaur itself.

Even though you're this thing, at it's editor-won't-fix-it core, will only make good people unhappy and reinforce shitty attitudes of knuckleheads. The thing you're producing will make the world worse.

Start over. Don't emulate Family Guy. Understand that South Park is far, far, far from flawless and understand that you've exclusively picked up the shittiest parts of South Park and missed what little value it has.

 

[Spider from Mars]

The name of the first is Wailuku,

which is Hawaiian for “God‟s pee”; it runs through

the entire land of Hawaii, where there used to be

gold until “a bunch of trifflin ass niggas stoled it”.

 

[Karkador]

I wrote. Showed friends who aren't big readers, and then continued. People liked it. People laughed.

Well that's probably your first problem, then. Who would actually read this from start to finish? Who is this for?

 

[Aquamarine]

It's trying too hard and it's too forced and contrived. I found myself cringing at a good majority of it.

Not every single line has to be humorous. If I were to give a suggestion I'd say to make it a LOT more subtle.


An example page:

1:20 God was a bit lonely so God said, “Maybe ifthere were some fun water friends it wouldn‟t be SO BOOOOOOORING! I‟m sick of it! There is just nothing going on over here!” God then noticed that tiny little organisms, more complex than the simple single celled organisms of before, began to swim around.” God said, “OH! It seems the pieces of myself and the laws I‟ve laid down have led to the creation of things that swim around in the water! SO CUTE! Living creatures that SWIM!! LIKE ME!! I can swim too! Wow. Look what I have created! Also, now that I think of it, the sky sure is boring too.” So God took some of the organisms that swam around and tossed them into the air. Much of them died or smashed into land. But some began to grow wings and learn to fly. God said “YES!! Let there be things that fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky. HO! HO! YES! You will all be called birds! BIRDS! WHY?! Because they...just...seem like “BIRDS” I don‟t know why!! 1:21 God‟s creation of the universe with God‟s own particles led to all the sea creatures and things that could fly in the sky. Bacteria, viruses, and other tiny. icky little things like that came into being as well. God saw that it was good so we tend not to challenge Gods decision butboy do we sure curse some of them come flu/AIDS season. 1:22 God blessed them and said, “MAKE BABIES! NOW! DO IT! Make as many babies as you can so you can fill every single body of water, and you birds better start fuckin or YOU‟RE getting a slap! Get those bird dicks in those bird snizzes or I‟ll slap you fuckers into space!” 1:23 Then came evening, God counted the stars just to double check there were enough, because God only knows what‟ll happen if there‟s not enough stars. Then there was morning, and just like that came day five. 1:24 As soon as dawn appeared God said, “UGH, I‟m SO SICK of VEGETABLES and FRUIT!” God looked around and observed that there were now land animals that walked and crawled around on the ground. “Oh my! Look at all these different kinds; Ones that go RAWR, MYAK, MYAK, MYAK, and MOO! Each with the ability to reproduce more when they hump each other according to its kind too!” 1:25 God‟s laws helped create the wild animals like zebras and tigers; insects like ants, flies, mosquitos and creeping things. Along with the animals that are easier to domesticate like cows and goats and Filipina women. God saw that it was good until God interfered and made Chicken, then it was amazing. Especially after we learned how to fry the little bastards. 1:26 God then observed that all of these organisms had went from boring single cells, to multi-celled things, to retard fish babies, to creepy, crawly tadpole retard-fish babies, then to walking around. Every living thing branched out and became its own thing little by little. God then had an idea, “HEY! I KNOW! Let us make something in our own image. Like a reflection that...mooooves. Even when we don‟t move. We? WE! YES, WE! We‟ll make HUMANKIND!!!!!HAHAHAHA! YES! HUMANKIND WILL BE MADE IN OUR OWN IMAGE!!!! After OUR likeness too. So...that...they may RULE OVER THE FISH OF THE SEA! YES! As well as the birds of the air, the cows, and pretty much all the earth, and ALL the creatures that move on the earth. ALL OF IT! Yes, yes. For I will create other universes and observe other planets. So someone will need to watch out and improve things here. They will be tiny-little mini-me‟s.”1:27 God took one of the hairy apes that evolvedfrom the walking retard fish babies, put it to sleepwith a flick to the face, spit on it, shaved it, then

"Fun water friends" = Not funny.

"Gee, it sure is BORING around here" = Not funny.

"MAKE BABIES! HAHAAHHAHAH! YES! SPASTIC!" = Not funny.

"RAR! MYAK! MYAK! MOO!" = Not funny.

"Walking retard fish babies" = Not funny.

 

[Baron von Loathsome]

i was gonna say "i like the part where you use the word "retard" and "faggot" a lot" but as a joke because that's grotesque and juvenile and not something i like at all, but then i got to this part where you talk about "the first transexual (sic)" in which Abram's father Terah is a "tranpire" with "shemale fangs" who created a "tranpire army" of "manly bitches" and then there's pages of story in which Abraham murders monster transgendered people in California

and i'm pretty sure you're an awful human being

What the fuck.

 

[Mariolee]

I meant in the beginning. When Minecraft was in its alpha. When it was raw.

I look around at all arts as relative enough to be relate-able enough to be mentioned.
My knowledge of literary similarities to what I am doing are few and...well...none.

I wrote. Showed friends who aren't big readers, and then continued. People liked it. People laughed.

I know re writing is important. I know Grammar and so forth are important too. But this is all things an editor can assist with.

No, I understand.

But when Minecraft was in its alpha, it had room to grow and it's much easier I believe to make changes to a video game than it is to a book. An editor can't fix 90 pages of writing when the error isn't in the prose, but in the premise itself. How do you think an editor does his job?

Also, as someone who does a lot of original work and shows it off to friends, of course your friends are going to like it! They're biased obviously. Show someone who has no stake in your friendship (like GAF) and you'll get truly honest opinions.

And no. Arts aren't all the same. Someone who's good at photography will not assuredly be good at film. Something that works in film will not assuredly work in writing. This is pretty fundamental, and trying to criss cross principles without fully understand WHY they worked is why this book is a bit of a mess.

It's offensive for no reason except to try to make you laugh, so then when it fails at that it's got nothing left to give it a reason to exist. And don't try to tell me I haven't read more than a few words, because I read through a lot more than I thought I could.

 

[RP912]

I read one verse of Genesis and just click x. I welcome humor in religion but this is terrible and forced to get those lolz. Have the humor been witty and clever I would have enjoyed it...

 

[Borgnine]

 

[AudioNoir]

I'm not sure if an editor can make this funny, is the thing.

What you're not accepting here is that you're not good at this style. It's just not your strength, and no amount of polishing, editing, kickstarting, or pleading with people is gonna fix that.

You've got so much motivation, and it's being totally wasted on pursuing a project that's not only BEEN DONE, but done better.

Find something you're good at, OP. Seriously. If you can find that thing and apply the same determination, you'll find your success. No joke here, I do believe that. This isn't it.

 

[Snuggles]

I feel like the most helpful suggestion I could give you at this point would be to destroy/incinerate/explode/vaporize all copies of this and try to pretend it never happened.

 

[cheststrongwell]

You dun goofed, OP.

 

[freenudemacusers]

i think it's hilarious

 

[Necromanti]

You must really have something against Filipina women.

At first the universe was empty and without a defined shape. Like Filipina women.

God's laws helped create the wild animals like zebras and tigers; insects like ants, flies, mosquitos and creeping things. Along with the animals that are easier to domesticate like cows and Filipina women.

The flora of the world grew wildly without anyone to tame it. Unlike Filipina which grow wildly and can be tamed.

God saw the earth, and indeed to God it was ruined, like a 22 year old woman who's done way too much experimenting, or any Filipina woman.

I don't see any similarities to South Park or Family Guy at all. Sorry.

 

[Aquamarine]

speak? And what are you doing with your EYESOPEN HUH!?” “Uh...books?”“I WILL SLAP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH if you lie to me again.” “The woman gave me it, she gave me some fruit from the tree...well it came from the tree but I put it in my anus then I popped it out and THEN I ate it. Then she made me these clothes and told me to wear them so I don‟t injure my genitals or hurt my feet on sharp things” 3:13 The LORD God said to the woman, “What is this you have done? MADE MY ADAM inTELLIGENT?!” And the woman replied, “I uh...no...the...the SERPENT DID IT! THE SERPENT tricked me...and...I was all blind and retarded and stuff so....” 3:14 The LORD God said to the serpent, “You FAGGOT!” The serpent replied, “Come onnnnn. They were running around slamming into trees. I did them a favor. Baby, come on don‟t be upset” “NO! THIS IS BULLSHIT! I put that tree there specifically so NO ONE EATS ANYTHING FROM IT!” “Well, why did you put it there? Put up a fence or a couple of guards. And ...good lord, God...why did you make them so stupid. How were they supposed to know eating from the tree was good or bad if they didn‟t know what was good or bad”. “How... DARE you... You SON OF A BITCH! Cursed are you above all the wild beasts and all the living creatures of the field! I‟m going to just...CHOP off alllllllll of your little legs and on your belly you will crawl and dust you will eat all the days of your life.” “Pft* whatever. Look if you want to be a bitch then be a bitch.” 3:15 ”I WILL PUT HOSTILITY between YOU and the WOMEN and between YOUR offspring and HER offspring; her offspring will attack your head, and you will ATTACK her offspring‟s heel. Then one day sick fucking Japanese people will stick you in their vaginas and you will suffocate!” “That‟s stupid I‟ll just go live in a hole and eat eggs and shit. Also, I‟m sure a Japanese vagina, whatever that is, will be better than crawling around here listening to your bitching.“ “SHUT UP!! SHUT UP! SHUT...UP!“ 3:16 To the woman God said “You like to mess around and do whatever you want don‟t you? Well...I will greatly increase your labor pains. Oh YEAH! Sowhen you pop out a kid it‟ll hurt! LIKE TO FUCK

what.

 

[freenudemacusers]

this just keeps nosediving the more I scroll. mah lawd.

i'm sure those words meant something different back in biblical times

 

[Danchi]

It is the Die Alone of the literary world.

I'm currently listening to this while I read the .pdf and I'm not sure what's worse...

You might want to work on spelling, grammar, sentence flow, and diction issues. :/

This. It's really tedious to go through.

 

[CambriaRising]

Oh honey..

 

[EmCeeGramr]

bitch 1 of 62

 

[Baron von Loathsome]

Seriously, I came here expecting something along the lines of Conservapedia's Bible retranslation project.

This is arguably worse.

 

[Mariolee]

Did a check and "penis" is in this book 60 times in 90 pages. That means that when readin this book, there's a 66% chance the page you're reading has the word "penis" on it, most likely related to a sex joke.

 

[Borgnine]

 

[TheBaldEmperor]

I'm not interested in reading this, but I would love to read your follow up book. The one where you tell of how as you read through the Bible for this project, the Holy Spirit brought conviction to your heart and you were transformed by what your Lord and Savior has done for you.

 

[DECK'ARD]

bitch 1 of 62

There's a nice little section on Japs and queers as well.

So edgy!

 

[Kano on the Phone]

i think it's hilarious

This post is the legit funniest thing to come out of this entire situation.

 

[Fracas]

Sounds like a killer tag to me.

 

[EmCeeGramr]

26:4 Other than that, I will

multiply your descendants so they will be as

numerous as the stars in the sky. I will do this by

physically taking your sperm and shoving it up

random women‟s vaginas, sticking the heads in eggs.

Then people will say, “Why are there so many Jews

in New York City/the entertainment/banking

industries?” Then all the nations of the earth will

pronounce blessings in the form of, “Dem Jews be

stingy” and “GOD ALMIGHTY, Jews sure are

greedy!” Greedy and stingy for the love of me; God.

Then they will whisper this and maybe even sacrifice

some of you to me. I do know that the Germans and

Russians will do this via gassed, burnt or bullet-
riddled offerings.

ha, jokes about greedy jews running the media and also the holocaust and pogroms

classic bible parody humor

 

[TUSR]

Sounds like a killer tag to me.

banned?

 

[Crimsonclaw111]

SPOILERS FOR THE END OF BOOK

Spoiler

"So Meyer-Jospeh died at the age of
110. After that they embalmed him in bubble gum,
his body was placed in a coffin in California."

 

[Brakke]

ha, jokes about greedy jews running the media and also the holocaust and pogroms

classic bible parody humor

maybe u jus dont get south park huh it's parody its actually pretty smart if u think about it

 

[Ntsouls]

People don't polish and cut things that are already flawless. Jesus, the written word really isn't your bag.

You mean the Bible? It was interpreted via the word of God. You state that humans are complex enough to be able to take the word of God and understand 100%. That God is so simple as to be explained by all in the Bible, which does not even attempt to do so the entire time?

This especially when he asked in the OP if he should even bother.

Dude gets a resounding NOPE but keeps trying to justify it.

Well, again. I don't think something like this gets 100% backing...ever.

Ok now that you're being super defensive and are not actually listening to anyone, I'll be honest.

You handed people a rock. A weird, unfunny rock covered in scribblings that resemble what a rebellious 6th grader would write on scrap paper when he's bored in church. This is not funny, like at all. You start with a racial joke? Really? I'm sorry but this doesn't work. It's very cool that you spent time writing it and put yourself out there for criticism but the very least you could do is take some of what people are saying to heart.

Well again there is no real way to respond on a forum to everyone. I know how to improve the book. I get that racial things stir people the wrong way. There is still a lack of balance with vulgarity and wit. As I have said.

We've got a regular Dan Brown here folks

Well. Hopefully.

The thing is, you can kick start anything if you can sell your idea. Just because a kickstart is successful doesn't make your idea good, or mean that it will sell to anyone outside of the original donors.

As is true with any idea that is either better or worse.

i was gonna say "i like the part where you use the word "retard" and "faggot" a lot" but as a joke because that's grotesque and juvenile and not something i like at all, but then i got to this part where you talk about "the first transexual (sic)" in which Abram's father Terah is a "tranpire" with "shemale fangs" who created a "tranpire army" of "manly bitches" and then there's pages of story in which Abraham murders monster transgendered people in California

and i'm pretty sure you're an awful human being

Well later they become allies. So theres that.
And the language is representative of how Americans talk. Not every character in this book uses those kinds of words, because no every American uses words like that.
But some characters are...like that.

He told me I misunderstood when I called him out for slut shaming in the first 3 paragraphs. Perhaps he will enlighten us.

I honestly. And this is not within regards to the context of whichever character slut shammed. Feel that being promiscuous is disgraceful and disgusting.

"nigga o'coon the black who took over all of africa" ("Genesis" 10:4)

please explain this line

All names in that section are kind of offensive.

Hey OP. Maybe you're right. And everybody else is wrong. And you'll get your immense satisfaction when you've proven that everyone is so wrong that they don't want to be right.

Well success will be the only measure. And if I fail then I fail.

South Park is written better. Sorry, OP.

Yes, now. But not early South Park.
Again this is ...South Park season one rright now. And I am aiming to bring it up further.

I can see, and as a fellow writer( waaay different tone though), you're not taking any criticism in this thread. Rebuffing every response isn't the way to go.

Looking for that one or two positive response to reinforce your idea doesn't mean you're writing something meaningful.

Also, since you're trying to do a kickstarter you're going to need alot more people saying yes. So if majority are saying it won't work....don't think a kickstarter will work.

Most criticism is. Its not funny. Its not funny. Its not good.
So my only response is that. Well this is your sense of humor. Or this is just an early version.
What response would be more apt?

[

Pretty sure he/she bailed by now. I would die from embarrassment if this was the reaction I got from something like this.

Edit: Whoops, spoke too soon.

It takes awhile to respond to people. No I will not bail.

"But Laban said to him, 'Just like dat homie? Dude, just stay cuz da Lord got yo bak. Dats da kind of shit I need roun her'"

Page 56, don't know how to cite Bible pages but it's either 30:27 or 30:28 I think. OP this is fucking atrocious and not even close to funny.

Thread of the year just for the backfire though.

I don't know I think Laban is fkin hilarious.

 

[RP912]

I feel sorry for the cap lock

 

[Sarye]

Who is this project for? In the foreword you said you wrote it for people who found the bible boring but then we get garbage in the very first paragraph.

Is this for Christians?
No because it's very obvious that you don't understand any components of the word of God and it's meaning.

Is this for Atheists?
No because it's not really poking fun at the things Christians believe in.

Is this for fans of Family Guy and South Park?
No because this style is not in either.

This style is like... if I can describe it with one word, "tourettes". I'm a fan of vulgar dark humor. But this is not an example of it.

 

[TUSR]

look at this fucking guy damage controlling lmao