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Am I being irrational? [Relationship-GAF]
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LanceVance
Member
Yeaaahhhhhhh
She's cheating on you. Sorry.
She's cheating on you. Sorry.
Random Painted HIghway
Member
Playing devils advocate but that could be an unvitation-she knows you can't take her up on it due to your work but then if you get sideways she can fall back on that invite.
I think honestly what it's going to come down to though is you coming out and meeting this guy and deciding for yourself. Since you have that standing invitation you might as well take advantage of it and see how you feel afterwards. You'll have a better clue once you get involved in more than just a periphery way.
No dude no.... What is this don't wanna be that guy shit. Your relationship is between you two. Don't think you have to live up to some league of husbands, I learned that shit a long time ago. Do what makes you feel OK and if her leaving this guy alone makes you feel good and she's willing to do so... Fuck man, that's a no brainer.
You're not trapping her. You're bending over backwards at the moment. If you want to be fair, say no more late nights. Ask to meet the guy and if he doesn't want to meet you, that relationship has to end.
Daffy Duck
Member
That's not really normal , I know I would find it a problem, and likewise if I was doing it to my girlfriend she'd have a problem with it.
Why not tag along one week without mentioning it before see how put out she is, and also see how the dude is when you turn up.
What's her routine when she returns?
Oh and also, what games do two adults play? How old are you/ your wife?
Why not tag along one week without mentioning it before see how put out she is, and also see how the dude is when you turn up.
What's her routine when she returns?
Oh and also, what games do two adults play? How old are you/ your wife?
gangbangs ain't too discrete
LanceVance
Member
Unless he's a priest
Count Dookkake
Member
Is this your first long-term relationship?
I think you have a problem. I'm not sure how long you have been married but I've been married 15 years and I would hope if my wife wanted to hang out a play games and drink with someone it would be with me. I will be honest... if I was you I would be freaking out and I would have snooped the computer and then depending on what I saw either had a talk or got my situation in order(ie money funds) and then had a talk.
Pinko Marx
Banned
Be that guy OP. Compromise, find a time you all can hang out. This is your wife, you're allowed to be that guy.
Deified Data
Banned
I really shouldn't have posted this. I feel like I'm getting a lot of negative reinforcement here, when I expected everyone to be calling me out on being insecure. I don't blame you guys - you're calling it as you see it - but maybe it just takes actually knowing my wife to realize how remote the possibility of her cheating on me really is. Like, regardless of the state of our relationship (we're great, besides this), she respects herself too much to be the kind of person that would cheat on her partner. I feel strongly about that.
Yes. We're both each other's first long-term partner and we've been together since high school.
tringworldso
Member
Next time accompany her onto these 1am drinking sprees. Seriously, just go out with her. Take a phone, book, whatever if you don't drink but you must go along with her.
Reminds me of that episode of The Office when Jim invites Michael to hang out with him knowing full well Michael is busy.
If he's such a loser why does she elect to spend so much time with him? Does she generally keep loser friends in her circle?
OP just needs to find a cute female friend to hang out with in the middle of the week, to play cards with and to drink mixed drinks that she makes, at her place. She's not a loser drunk, she's just lonely and needed a friend.
"oh you're just no fun. why don't you drink with us? come on you should have just stayed home." or worse, she just sits there and stares at you.
"oh you're just no fun. why don't you drink with us? come on you should have just stayed home." or worse, she just sits there and stares at you.
Clockwork
Member
Seriously though, these two meet initially through friends and all hang out together. Now that is all but over, with the nowhere to be seen but they are still hanging out together just the two of them?
There is a reason they aren't involving the other friends and there is a reason they're not involving the OP.
Ghost_Protocol
Member
It's like people think they can get away with the same shit they could when they were dating after they get married. Your wife should not be out drinking with other men, alone, at their houses at 1 in the morning.
That's totally disrespectful of her to think that's ok. You're not some casual dude she's been dating for a few weeks. She's got a ring on her finger.
That's totally disrespectful of her to think that's ok. You're not some casual dude she's been dating for a few weeks. She's got a ring on her finger.
JoJoShabadoo
Member
It may not be the worst-case scenario that everyone here is jumping to, but it's possible, and it's even more possible that it might happen in the future. Even if it's not sex, a kiss, or just kind words, or mixed emotions. Whatever.
Tough call.
Tough call.
LanceVance
Member
That would be kind of awkward. Hey my husband has come along but he's just going to sit in the corner reading a book whilst we get drunk together.
Pinko Marx
Banned
So you just wanted us to agree with you so you could feel better?
Okay. Your wife isn't getting dicked down. Happy?
This is simple op, just tell her how you feel uncomfortable about her drinking with this guy until 1am.
I'm not married but I think you should be past the point where you're wondering and worrying. Communication is key in any relationship here and you're failing a bit. I can't imagine being in a relationship where I'm actually wondering if my wife is fucking some other dude somewhere. And it's not even abstract for you like "she's out with her friends late, I wonder what she's doing" it's "she's at some guys house, I wonder if they're fucking". That's too much. This is gonna weigh on you and you need to take care of it.
You're uncomfortable with something she's doing. Tell her. Stop halfsteppin'. Aint no halfsteppin' in marriage.
You're uncomfortable with something she's doing. Tell her. Stop halfsteppin'. Aint no halfsteppin' in marriage.
Clockwork
Member
No offense, but most people think this until it happens.
Deified Data
Banned
Generally? Yes. And it's not like he's rivaling me for time spent with her or anything.
lol, of course that's what I want, to be told I'm wrong.
Doesn't mean it's what I asked for, though. As I said, thanks everyone for your candid answers.
Boss Riovane
Member
Don't talk to us, talk to her. Just ask and guage her reaction accordingly. A relationship is built on trust and if you and your wife's relationship is sound, then there shouldn't be any issue or harm in asking. You can't address a problem or something that makes you uncomfortable unless you say something about it.
Beardz
Member
Because she is trying to paint him like a loser, so the OP doesn't feel insecure. The same reason she says stuff like "You can come anytime you want" and lies like that.
tringworldso
Member
If OP wants to satisfy his curiosity then I don't think he'd mind one night of boredom. Hell, just have a softdrink or juice. He can still enjoy with everyone!
Nothing awkward about that. As the designated driver, I've done it many times. Never taken along a book but just hung out with them and had a non-alcoholic beverage.
THIS!
If you're not built like that, you can't force yourself to think in that mindset. Can't compare yourself to one's where guys don't fret over such a relationship.
Oppo
Member
It seems harmless enough to me. I mean if they are card/board gamers or RPGers, the behaviour is really not anything unusual.
When I read about the 'hesitation', my reaction was that it was probably nothing. Just that usual little pause you do before you log out, trying to think if there's anything else you wanted to post/check before you go.
By all means, ask her about it, if it's bothering you. I don't see any violation of trust here. I highly doubt she's texting you while giving the guy a blowjob or whatever, to use a crass example.
Hale-XF11
Member
Imagine yourself in that scenario. You're hanging with another woman at least once a week, drinking together until the wee hours of the morning, just the two of you. Would you say it's inevitable or at least possible that you might have friendly feelings for that person and in a moment of drunkenness you flirt a little bit and it turns into something else? Even regardless of the fact that you're married? If the temptation is there and no one else is around to judge you for it, things can happen.
he's afraid to, because what if that upsets her? Then she'll just have sex with him out of spite, because her clingy husband feels uncomfortable with her getting drunk at some dudes house until 1 am on the regular.
Omegasquash
Member
Then take her up on the invitation.
I also feel like how she talks about him is a bit odd...why would she hang out with an alcoholic loser until 1 am every week? Because he's nice? I think you should put in the effort to go out with her and see how everyone acts. It would be good for closure on the matter. I also think that you should talk to her about it, because there is no real life situation where it's "normal" for a spouse to have a "social" life like this.
I KNOW someone who's wife was out at all hours, not coming home from work, etc. She was cheating on him, and everyone (including her own mother) was thinking it. Re-emphasizing here...your suspicions are completely normal. It's up to you to confront them, and if that means going out or communicating with her or both, then that's what you ought to do. It's only going to get worse otherwise.
I don't know why people are suggesting he goes with her. I mean, he decides to give up his sleep that night and goes drinking...is he supposed to catch them having sex in the other room? Is he going to decipher drunken body language and deduce that she's cheating? No they'll pull out the most boring game with rules which take 2 hours to read through, and one of them will say they're not feeling well and the night will end early. OPs never going to want to go back.
OP: stop being afraid to do something. By not being "that guy", you're essentially allowing her to do whatever she wants as long as she doesn't get caught red handed. Now, I'm not saying she's definitely fucking the other guy or whatever, but emotional cheating is just as bad. You say you don't want to violate her privacy and look through emails/FB, but honestly it sounds like you'd rather live in ignorance than find out if something is happening.
truth.com
OP: stop being afraid to do something. By not being "that guy", you're essentially allowing her to do whatever she wants as long as she doesn't get caught red handed. Now, I'm not saying she's definitely fucking the other guy or whatever, but emotional cheating is just as bad. You say you don't want to violate her privacy and look through emails/FB, but honestly it sounds like you'd rather live in ignorance than find out if something is happening.
truth.com
The why the thread? Something is going on in your head. This much is clear. If you were sure about this then you wouldn't be asking.
At least that's my take on it.
You do understand it's okay to be that guy right!? If you don't feel okay with something you have to tell her. Honestly stop and think for a moment if the situation was reverse. Would she be okay or would she tell you how she feels. It's not like she's getting together with friends after work. Hanging out to 1am and not with friends is another thing entirely. You have a right to not be okay with that and not want it to happen. That's not irrational or unreasonable.
It's sounds like you are making every excuse you can for her when you in your gut seem to suspect something or at the very least don't think things are completely on the up and up. You being passive isn't going to change things or head off something that could have been addressed and avoid much sooner. Especially if you feel something is off. People should trust their feelings in situations like this. When something doesn't feel right it's usually because something isn't right. You can be wrong but it's better to be wrong then to be posting on gaf a few months from now or a year from now talking about her cheating, divorce, etc talking about how you should have seen the signs or trusted your feelings. You are husband and wife and when those labels start getting used certain things are expect and certain concerns are completely valid and stay valid.
You not addressing this is you possibly giving her the signal that you don't care what she does and or don't care enough that she's alone with some guy (not you her husband) at 1am. So she keeps doing it and you keep feeling the way you do. That's not trusting. Who knows what he's saying to her. You keep saying you know here but how many times have we've all read or heard people say "I thought I knew her or him" when they found out their significant other was cheating on them and they're going through the divorce.
We've all said this, it doesn't work that way. She's not going to suddenly change in to a different person, it happens gradually. You need to set the boundaries now.
Okay, so obviously you know your spouse better than anyone, but I have to be cynical here and say it's possible she's telling you she thinks he's a loser so you won't suspect anything. Of course he's an alcoholic - she drinks with him. But would she really be spending time with a guy every week who she genuinely thought was a loser? Spending late nights with a dude out of pity or something?
Honestly, I think there's things to be worried about in that relationship of theirs, but most of all the drinking. Drinking impairs judgment and mental cognition. Even if your wife doesn't love the guy or prefer him over you, its possible something could happen between them while under the influence. Have a talk with her about it.
clearacell
Member
You're not being irrational at all, but there isn't something screaming that she is cheating on you. Could be on the verge of it, but you can still save your relationship by being open and clear about what you think of her hanging out with this guy.
I let my g/f read through my Facebook messages if she really wants to, even though she SAYS she trusts me, she really wants to see them for peace of mind. I don't give a fuck, I may say some things I wish she didn't see in terms of compliments to another girl, but they deserve them and she knows this. She also knows I'm with her and she's the one I want to be with.
When either of us are working, we both agree we can use that time to do whatever the hell we want, because we know the other has no way of getting out of working and if we have time we should do something apart, just so we have more stuff to talk about and more experiences beyond each other.
I let my g/f read through my Facebook messages if she really wants to, even though she SAYS she trusts me, she really wants to see them for peace of mind. I don't give a fuck, I may say some things I wish she didn't see in terms of compliments to another girl, but they deserve them and she knows this. She also knows I'm with her and she's the one I want to be with.
When either of us are working, we both agree we can use that time to do whatever the hell we want, because we know the other has no way of getting out of working and if we have time we should do something apart, just so we have more stuff to talk about and more experiences beyond each other.
You would be surprised who cheats. Lawyers, Priests, Politicians, etc.
But either way I think the more serious problem is that she is going to some other dude for companionship that you could give her. I would maybe recommend coming out of your shell a little more and going out to hang out with her and her friends. Don't give her a reason to look for something lacking in your relationship in another dude. Even if she calls him an "alcoholic loser".
It's not like she is doing anything grand. Hanging out at some other guys place and drinking and playing games. Why do that with him when she could do that with you.
John Kowalski
Banned
Hey OP, if they're that close chances are they are probably talking about something that is private to either her or him with some regularity, and that is a much likelier reason for why she is feeling iffy about leaving her facebook account available to you. Since you seem to imply that their friendship is one that grew quickly, i'll go ahead and assume that he is offering her or asking of her a kind of friendship that she has long needed or wanted to give, a lack she may have not been aware of or simply didn't think was that important to her.
It wouldn't be in bad practice to assume that she is also feeling conflicted on this and is trying to conciliate it as best as she can, and to that end my sincerest advice is that you do meet the guy. I mean, he clearly is someone important to her, as are you, and imo that's reason enough to see what it is that they have that seems so special.
Anyway good luck with yer stresses o'pee.
It wouldn't be in bad practice to assume that she is also feeling conflicted on this and is trying to conciliate it as best as she can, and to that end my sincerest advice is that you do meet the guy. I mean, he clearly is someone important to her, as are you, and imo that's reason enough to see what it is that they have that seems so special.
Anyway good luck with yer stresses o'pee.
Mammoth Jones
Member
Fucking hell naw. Time to put your foot down on this bullshit. It's just about respecting the marriage. Not that you *think* anything is going on but out drinking with a dude solo and she a married woman? Fuck that. It's completely inappropriate and the consideration needs to be made for the marriage *first* and the friendship *second*.
It's not about trying to get her to dead him as a friend but she needs to understand there's LIMITS that need to be respected in a plutonic friendship when you're married. I'd argue that 1am drinking with another man is crossing a huge fucking line. Is he single? Is he married? Is the wife and kids with them in the house? Is he a douche that often cheats on his spouse?
But don't make it about how insecure you are or some simp shit. Just lay it out that it's fucking disrespectful and it ain't gonna be tolerated. Shit, even if you trust her completely do you trust HIM not to be that thirsty type dude?
Don't let this happen:
If she says "Fuck it" and still does what she wants then you know what she really values in her relationships and can now react accordingly.
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