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[Random Painted HIghway]

I really shouldn't have posted this. I feel like I'm getting a lot of negative reinforcement here, when I expected everyone to be calling me out on being insecure. I don't blame you guys - you're calling it as you see it - but maybe it just takes actually knowing my wife to realize how remote the possibility of her cheating on me really is. Like, regardless of the state of our relationship (we're great, besides this), she respects herself too much to be the kind of person that would cheat on her partner. I feel strongly about that.


Yes. We're both each other's first long-term partner and we've been together since high school.

THe flip side to that is that even if you don't have to worry about her, you never know what the guy is thinking particularly if you don't know him. He may be biding his time for an argument or he could eventually slip something in her drink. That may be overboard, but really, what is a single guy thinking in This situation-lady hanging out and drinking at my house, her husband isn't involved enough to come over or interven-he could see her as a target.

 

[EdibleKnife]

I really shouldn't have posted this. I feel like I'm getting a lot of negative reinforcement here, when I expected everyone to be calling me out on being insecure. I don't blame you guys - you're calling it as you see it - but maybe it just takes actually knowing my wife to realize how remote the possibility of her cheating on me really is. Like, regardless of the state of our relationship (we're great, besides this), she respects herself too much to be the kind of person that would cheat on her partner. I feel strongly about that.

To me, it doesn't sound like she's straight up scoping out options on the other side but I honestly think you posted because there's a genuine bit of uncomfortably you feel from the situation which I believe is totally valid. The fact that you don't want to turn into a Lifetime movie husband who locks his wife in the cellar already shows that you probably have enough wherewithal not to turn into that person. I just believe that if it's really making you uncomfortable, bring it up and clear it up. Don't let things stay murky and wonder if you're being kept out of a loop.

 

[Goodlife]

See, I try to be a chilled out husband, I know there is nothing weird and having friends of the opposite sex and I think it's good that couples have a bit of a different life now and again.

But, this, every week.... No, couldn't do it.

 

[HappyBivouac]

Jesus, I preach the virtues of trust in relationships all the time, but this... this... Fucking hell, dude.

And as an aside: if I'm married, my wife can read whatever the fuck messages of mine she wants; I got nothin' to hide. That should be reciprocated.

 

[akira28]

The why the thread? Something is going on in your head. This much is clear. If you were sure about this then you wouldn't be asking.

At least that's my take on it.

I'm not seeing where self respect comes into it. I respect myself too much to give in to lust and meaningless sex with a friend? That would assume that she feels that it is a bad thing, and really cheaters only think it's bad when guilt comes in to play. And if she's compartmentalizing her relationships, like everyone is capable of doing, she wouldn't necessary feel any guilt or that anything was wrong. She will just have "never meant to hurt" her husband.

I'm not saying OP should assume the worst, but stop making excuses to make it seem like it's impossible. It's totally possible.

 

[Yado]

If you had read those FB messages you probably wouldn't have needed to make this thread.

 

[DarkFlow]

One of my exes used to hang out with some dude a lot too. I trusted her, never thought anything of it really. I later found out they fucked once. As for fb, my gf knows all my passwords to everything I have, and I know all hers, cause we don't really give a fuck. It makes shit pretty easy when we both have nothing to hide.

 

[zeemumu]

ParanoiaGAF battling TrustGAF for Deified Data's soul.

 

[Kimawolf]

That sounds like an alarm. You should confront her without being an assjole and tell her how you feel.

But it sounds like she is missing something from you and finding it in him. Also yes people talk bad about their affair partners to throw you off the scent.

You should leave work early and just show up and see their reaction.

 

[BocoDragon]

This thread is skewing towards the cheat-paranoid.

I'll just say that many women have male friends and hang out without the boyfriend and really.. Nothing goes on. It's another dumb platonic friendship. We like to think everything's like a soap opera or the worst people we knew in high school... But sometimes a friend is just a friend.

 

[OldRoutes]

One thing people forget is that this other guy might not be all "alpha" at all.

If she invited you, she's probably lonely and needs you to fill some leisure time gaps.

Think about if it's something you think you're achieving successfully. Don't try and go to sex right away.

 

[Omegasquash]

This thread is skewing towards the cheat-paranoid.

I'll just say that many women have male friends and hang out without the boyfriend and really.. Nothing goes on. It's another dumb platonic friendship. We like to think everything's like a soap opera or the worst people we knew in high school... But sometimes a friend is just a friend.

I think the situation you're describing here is a little off from what OP laid out for us.

 

[Camp Lo]

ParanoiaGAF battling TrustGAF for Deified Data's soul.

Yeah, let me just be clear and say in no way am I suggesting she's cheating. She seems like she'll be ready to drop anything for you OP. I just don't know why you don't accept it.

I've been in relationships where I had to fight for weeks for such an understanding.

 

[Deified Data]

ParanoiaGAF battling TrustGAF for Deified Data's soul.

lol, it's an epic battle.

Again, thanks guys, but I've decided that this is an answer I just have to come to on my own terms. We're all jaded by our life experience. I'm just doing my best to not be naive.

 

[Mammoth Jones]

I have told her it makes me feel jealous and she has offered to stop hanging out with him entirely if I asked her to. I don't want to be that guy. I told her it makes me feel insecure but that's a problem I have to handle on my own. I don't want her feeling trapped by me.

The whole point of being married is that you don't have to handle your problems on your own. If she feels "trapped" then that's a whole other problem. Look, you're not demanding she not have guy friends. But I'd never in a million years tolerate late night drinks with dudes. And I mean, she's free to say "Fuck that, I'm gonna do what I want" and you have the right to either tolerate it in silence or consider that the relationship might be nearing its end.

According to her they're never alone, the guy's brother is there as well. I have no reason to believe she's lying.

Doesn't matter. It's not about "is she cheating". It's about "You as a married person has a right to request that your wife fall back with late night drinking with guys that aren't her husband". You have the *right* to make that request. And it's a request. You're not "ordering" her to do something. You're just saying straight up "Hey, to me this isn't cool and it's going to be a problem in our marriage so please cut that shit out". Don't just be passive and get cuckolded man....

 

[HappyBivouac]

Serious question, though: why would a married couple hide messages from each other if they have nothing to hide? Like I said before, I don't give a damn if my future wife wants to read whatever.

 

[lifa-cobex]

TBH it sounds like your in the clear.

Reading through your reply's about what your wife said and that you have been honest about your feelings is good.
I would perhaps suspect a little flirting but other than that.

It's total normal to feel like that. But don't live your life in fear of "maybes".
Either it happens or it doesn't.
Carry on with your life and try to be as honest as you can.

 

[SymbiantXenos]

If you're uncomfotable about it just tell her how you feel.

 

[Clockwork]

This thread is skewing towards the cheat-paranoid.

I'll just say that many women have male friends and hang out without the boyfriend and really.. Nothing goes on. It's another dumb platonic friendship. We like to think everything's like a soap opera or the worst people we knew in high school... But sometimes a friend is just a friend.

My girlfriend has guy friends and growing up most of her friends were guys. In that regard, I have never worried about it or considered she may cheat.

However, What the OP described is beyond what I would consider a normal friendship.

 

[entremet]

Ask her if she would be comfortable with you doing the same thing with a female friend. If she's honest, she won't be comfortable.

I'm fine with opposite sex friendships, but within a marriage or LTR there needs to be healthy boundaries. Honestly, I would feel uncomfortable talking to someone's else wife alone over drinks late at night. It would seem disrespectful.

 

[LanceVance]

lol, it's an epic battle.

Again, thanks guys, but I've decided that this is an answer I just have to come to on my own terms. We're all jaded by our life experience. I'm just doing my best to not be naive.

Why don't you just talk to her about it? Sweeping your feelings under the carpet won't solve anything and you'll start to feel even worse every time she spends time alone with this guy

 

[.GqueB.]

She has invited me out before, but since Mondays are work nights for me that's proven difficult. Important point is there's a standing invitation there that I have not yet chosen to accept. She's says I'd like him if I met him. In fact she's described the guy as an alcoholic loser, albeit a nice alcoholic loser. Is this how one talks about a secret liason? It doesn't feel that way.

Then ask her to change the day to one you can attend. This is a guy with a brother and you don't seem to have many friends so this would be a nice opportunity for that to change but she's giving you empty invites to something you can't attend in the first place. At best she's being a friend-hog at worst she's enjoying his penis. I'm assuming it's the first but this is all very strange. Why Monday?

And the loser talk is just to make you feel better about the situation. Why would she chose to waste her evenings on an alcoholic loser? That doesn't make sense. But, again, I don't really think she's cheating. It's not at all discrete and she's not really sneaking around. I think there is more to this story and you may need to talk to her. I believe that people keep individuals in their lives for a reason and you probably need to get down to the core of what this man provides for her that's likely not penis. I can't imagine why she would spend her nights drinking with an alcoholic loser and his loser brother.

 

[Camp Lo]

Serious question, though: why would a married couple hide messages from each other if they have nothing to hide? Like I said before, I don't give a damn if my future wife wants to read whatever.

Being married doesn't mean you have to be an open book all the time to each other. That's ridiculous. My wife doesn't have to share everything with me, hell I don't even want to know half the inane bullshit she shares.

 

[Daffy Duck]

Do you know what games they are playing?

We talking board games? Cards? Video games?

 

[Sho_Nuff82]

I would be okay with it if it were my gf and I knew the guy was on the level (old friend, coworker, classmate, etc). Not my wife with a relative stranger.

The problem here is that they have a growing relationship based entirely around drinking and recreation at his house. Alone. Even if we assume your wife is a trustworthy person, mistakes happen, especially late at night and under the influence.

I can't imagine any girl I've been in a relationship with putting up with me spending that much time at another woman's house with no one else around, especially if we lived together. Hard to say where to go from here. Don't bring up the fb thing, it's just a symptom and makes you look paranoid. But you can't keep putting up a front about not caring when this is genuinely bothering you. Iv think your first step has to be to meet this guy. Invite him over, or join your wife out for one of the play dates. You can even ask him what his relationship situation is if the conversation moves that way. But don't sit there, do nothing, and be that guy making the thread about his wife stepping out 6 months from now.

 

[Beardz]

lol, it's an epic battle.

Again, thanks guys, but I've decided that this is an answer I just have to come to on my own terms. We're all jaded by our life experience. I'm just doing my best to not be naive.

Dude, just one thing.

Promise you will make another thread when you're about to divorce for being too "rational".

 

[HappyBivouac]

I have some really close female friends. Some of them have boyfriends. I guarantee you that if I were regularly drinking late at night on a goddamn schedule with these girls, their boyfriends would have some words to say to me.

 

[andycapps]

I really shouldn't have posted this. I feel like I'm getting a lot of negative reinforcement here, when I expected everyone to be calling me out on being insecure. I don't blame you guys - you're calling it as you see it - but maybe it just takes actually knowing my wife to realize how remote the possibility of her cheating on me really is. Like, regardless of the state of our relationship (we're great, besides this), she respects herself too much to be the kind of person that would cheat on her partner. I feel strongly about that.

I think you're getting a lot of negative reinforcement because there's no positives to your wife hanging out with some other dude late at night while they're both drinking. Period. If she were single, sure, why not.

 

[Fireblend]

Talk.

To.

Your.

Wife.

 

[anarckitty]

Livejournal entry incoming.

Bit of background. My wife and I don't really have many overlapping circles of friends...namely, I barely have any and she has quite a few. One of those friends is a dude she met through a female friend. Used to be she'd hang out with that group but recently she's just hanging out with that guy and hasn't seen the other members of the group in weeks. They'll meet up for drinks once a week, usually on Mondays. My wife says the guy's little brother usually accompanies them. Often she'll stay out til 1AM drinking at the guy's house.She's not incommunicado at this time - we exchange texts and she tells me what they're doing, usually playing games and drinking.


So here I am. First thing, I would never, ever in a million years sift through my wife's messages looking for proof that she's cheating on me - that's not me. But no matter how I try to spin it, I can't help but feel like she logged off of her account so that I didn't accidentally stumble across something I wasn't supposed to see, and the only reason she didn't erase her password was because of how suspicious it'd look. I mean, if she wanted me to be able to check my Facebook I could have logged off myself, right? I must repeat, I don't think she's cheating on me. Perhaps there was something there that could be easily misconstrued? Perhaps they flirt a little like some opposite sex friends do when no one's looking?

I don't know. And I'm trying my damndest not to care, but that's really hard right now. So back to my original question. On a scale of 1 to 10, how irrational am I being right now? Am I letting my own insecurity get to me or is there legitimate reason for concern here? If the former, how do I just let go and forget about it? If the latter, do I bring it up with her, try to talk about it? What if it's nothing, and all it accomplishes is making her feel like I don't trust her?

First of all, it's very possible that your wife is not being unfaithful. A few red flags for me are the hanging out with the guy/drinking until 1:00AM every week though. Even if his brother is there and she isn't incomminicado that doesn't mean something won't eventually happen. And you know, maybe nothing bad will happen. All I know is that the way you're feeling about this is normal. You love your wife, and it would suck if she cheated on you. From what you've explained about the situation I feel like you aren't being irrational at all about it.

I would definitely have a talk with her and just let her know how uncomfortable it makes you feel to know that she hangs out/ gets drunk with him until 1:00AM. I would also ask her if the roles were reversed would she feel insecure about it too? If anything, I feel like you wouldn't be asking too much for her not to stay out until 1:00AM drinking.

 

[mullet2000]

I think some of you guys are really over-reacting with the assumption that she's cheating.

Me and my girlfriend of three years have both hung out with people of the opposite sex like this, and neither of us have done anything.

That said, sure, it's possible she's got some interest in the guy. Not necessarily sexual interest though. Maybe they've clicked really well. Can any of you in relationships honestly say you've never met a person of the opposite sex that you've clicked really well with ans hung out with a lot in a short frequency? I know I have. Hell just last week I stayed up till 2am drinking a bit with a female friend, alone, and I have no sexual interest in her. I just have a good time hanging out with her, so I do.

That said OP needs to talk to his wife (non-antagonistically) about it because he's clearly uncomfortable. But I don't think this situation is all that weird. I'm not saying there's no possibility that something bad is happening, but it's way, way too early to call that she's cheating. But OP should NOT just leave it, him and his wife need to talk about it, and soon.

 

[ganon]

Often she'll stay out til 1AM drinking at the guy's house.

You're not being irrational, OP. You have the right to feel uncomfortable about it. She might not be cheating, but it's still not quite the right thing to do.

 

[Dorrin]

I really shouldn't have posted this. I feel like I'm getting a lot of negative reinforcement here, when I expected everyone to be calling me out on being insecure. I don't blame you guys - you're calling it as you see it - but maybe it just takes actually knowing my wife to realize how remote the possibility of her cheating on me really is. Like, regardless of the state of our relationship (we're great, besides this), she respects herself too much to be the kind of person that would cheat on her partner. I feel strongly about that.


Yes. We're both each other's first long-term partner and we've been together since high school.

You've been a member of GAF for almost 3 years... how many of these types of threads have you seen? How do they usually end? Not hanging out with the group anymore.. picking a night to hang out when you are working and then staying out till 1am at the guys house.. come on... There are red flags EVERYWHERE here. You are doing yourself a diservice here, you want to end up raising the guys kids next? Take a day off work without telling her and do some investigating.

 

[Zoe]

I don't know why people are suggesting he goes with her. I mean, he decides to give up his sleep that night and goes drinking...is he supposed to catch them having sex in the other room? Is he going to decipher drunken body language and deduce that she's cheating? No they'll pull out the most boring game with rules which take 2 hours to read through, and one of them will say they're not feeling well and the night will end early. OPs never going to want to go back.

It's so that the OP is no longer a stranger to the friend. For all we know, the friend regards the OP as out of sight, out of mind. It also allows the OP to get a read on the guy because even if the wife is trustworthy, that doesn't mean the friend is.

 

[Goliath]

lol, it's an epic battle.

Again, thanks guys, but I've decided that this is an answer I just have to come to on my own terms. We're all jaded by our life experience. I'm just doing my best to not be naive.

So what's the plan?

 

[HappyBivouac]

Being married doesn't mean you have to be an open book all the time to each other. That's ridiculous. My wife doesn't have to share everything with me, hell I don't even want to know half the inane bullshit she shares.

I never said you have to share everything. It's not an obligation to do so, just the understanding that it's ok is enough. But if you can't share everything then why would you make a lifelong commitment to a person? That I do not understand.

 

[Ric Flair]

If he's straight and single and drinking with your lady late at night till the early hours in the morning, he probably wants your lady. Are there exceptions to this? Sure are, but I would imagine this scenario is more the norm than the opposite one.

 

[akira28]

I would be okay with it if it were my gf and I knew the guy was on the level (old friend, coworker, classmate, etc). Not my wife with a relative stranger.

The problem here is that they have a growing relationship based entirely around drinking and recreation at his house. Alone. Even if we assume your wife is a trustworthy person, mistakes happen, especially late at night and under the influence.

I can't imagine any girl I've been in a relationship with putting up with me spending that much time at another woman's house with no one else around, especially if we lived together. Hard to say where to go from here. Don't bring up the fb thing, it's just a symptom and makes you look paranoid. But you can't keep putting up a front about not caring when this is genuinely bothering you. Iv think your first step has to be to meet this guy. Invite him over, or join your wife out for one of the play dates. You can even ask him what his relationship situation is if the conversation moves that way. But don't sit there, do nothing, and be that guy making the thread about his wife stepping out 6 months from now.

Have a Barbeque and have him over. Get him drunk and isolate him in the basement where you threaten his life if he ever does anything, or if you ever find out, or if he even mentions you talking to him.

 

[xxracerxx]

Do you know what games they are playing?

We talking board games? Cards? Video games?

 

[keltickennedy]

Nope. Sorry, but i personally think it is wrong to chill with someones wife and have drinks and hangout at my house without the husband being present.

 

[Effect]

Just to add one more thing Deified Data.

That open invite means nothing. You do know understand that right? Especially if she, they knows full well you can't ever take her up on it because you are working. It's the illusion that you have a choice here when you really don't. There is no expectation that you will ever take it and it seems you are possibly reacting as expected on that front. Especially with putting the blame on yourself for having natural concerns.

The first step to not being naive is to not dismiss possibilities or concerns you have no matter how little. It's not about being jaded. It's about being honest and open about how your feeling and concerns you have.

 

[PlayALLtheGames]

No, it's not typical and you're not being irrational.

To hang out with a guy she recently met that much, and just them, is weird.

You guys are married. You should be able to bring it up, tell her how you feel, and have her understand and respond to it. Like, not hang out at dude's house drinking until 1am.

 

[Vivalaraza]

You and your wife should have never allowed for this type of thing to go on.

Hope it all works out but you're already having doubts (naturally). Ominous.

 

[Skellig Gra]

She's your wife man. Be honest with her. Say it makes you feel uncomfortable and you want her to stop. If she says no she is probably up to something but that is a whole other thread waiting to happen.

 

[akira28]

You and your wife should have never allowed for this type of thing to go on.

Hope it all works out but you're already having doubts (naturally). Ominous.

So you think it's too late already? No matter what? Damn.

He can't stop her from going. He feels hesitant about even mentioning it because it means he doesn't trust her. Even if everything is innocent now, there's no way to tell the future. Yeah...I guess this is kind of a fucked situation.

 

[Prophecy650]

She likes him more than you, your too scared to confront her because you will lose her, man up

 

[potam]

It's so that the OP is no longer a stranger to the friend. For all we know, the friend regards the OP as out of sight, out of mind. It also allows the OP to get a read on the guy because even if the wife is trustworthy, that doesn't mean the friend is.

All I'm saying is this: It sounds like OP wants to keep his head in the sand. If he does go over there once, and everything is okay that time, then he might put his head back in the sand and ignore any more warning signs in the future.

 

[Vivalaraza]

So you think it's too late already? No matter what? Damn.

I dunno if it's too late, hopefully not.

But it's pretty fucked up that she's hanging out with the dude like that, that OP has "allowed" it and that it's now a thread on here before being a conversation between the two of them.

 

[Mammoth Jones]

If he's straight and single and drinking with your lady late at night till the early hours in the morning, he probably wants your lady. Are there exceptions to this? Sure are, but I would imagine this scenario is more the norm than the opposite one.

Pretty much.

 

[NewFresh]

OP take a Monday off and go with her.