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[Emperor_Uriel]

We hear a lot about how modern political rhetoric centers around fear. "Fear of the other" is a common rationale for implementing all sorts of disastrous and unethical policies, and fear-mongering officials are being elected in record numbers.

And yet, far less attention is played to the similar role fear plays in American parenting. Simply put: Parents here are far more likely to prioritize their own anxiety over their children's happiness, development and even safety (hence why most suburban parents drive kids to school even when walking has been proven to be significantly safer), and will even extend their judgements to the children in more laissez-faire families.

As a parent and an educator, this article by the Boston Globe on the differences in parenting styles between the Netherlands and the US feels monumentally important and worth sharing.

https://www.bostonglobe.com/magazine/2017/06/06/what-happens-when-parents-loosen-bit-look-dutch/mVmOHsADKLXwOFF2Y0ISCJ/story.html

Armed with these tools of Dutch teenagerhood, Sophie zips across Amsterdam. Her dance class is a 20-minute bike ride away, through throngs of tourists and thickets of tram tracks. Come winter, it’s pitch dark by 5. When it’s warm, she and her friends scour the city to find a good jumping bridge. They change into bikinis, then leap — sometimes 30 feet — into the cool, inky waters of the canal beneath.

These kids have freedom. Freedom to get themselves where they need to go and make choices about what to do. They are responsible for their own activities and money and schedules.

What they don’t have are moms waiting outside school in SUVs, bearing snacks and athletic clothes, ready to ferry them to the next resume-building activity.

...

Ah, freedom — for the kids, to be sure, but for us parents, too. Freedom from that particularly American brand of stressed-out parenting: making a big show when it comes to the small stuff but often missing the important parts entirely.

My childhood in New Jersey in the early ’80s might not have been as sophisticated as Sophie’s, but it incorporated the same kind of personal freedom. I biked to school every day. Got myself to after-school sports practice, too. Just be home by 6.

Where did that freedom for American kids — and their parents — go? Last summer, when we were home for our monthlong break in Massachusetts, our 9-year-old attended a craft class at the local public school, two blocks from our house. Town population: 4,907. Everybody knows everybody else. And yet one mom insisted on walking our daughter home every day. Even after I explained to her (tight smile) that Charlotte could manage fine by herself, thank you very much.

Were there grave dangers lurking behind those white picket fences? I don’t think so. But I perceived a deep underlying anxiety in that mother. It’s what guides a lot of American parenting choices and forms the backbone of our pernicious helicopter parenting.

...

Most of us would agree that independence breeds self-confidence. Self-confidence contributes to self-worth, which is a foundation of personal happiness. Well, what do you know? Dutch kids are supremely happy. In a 2013 report on “child well-being in rich countries,” UNICEF ranks 29 advanced economies on the overall welfare of their youngest citizens. The Netherlands is No. 1. The US is 26th.

In Amsterdam, our daughters play for hours in front of our house while I’m inside working. In Boston, I wouldn’t dare leave them for five minutes in Titus Sparrow Park. It’s not about safety. It’s about the judgment of those playground-patrolling parents.

Yes, we have big problems, America. We need to improve our schools, combat inequality, fight guns and drugs . . . the list goes on. But we can work for change on a smaller scale, too. Family by family, we can resist the pull of fear-driven parenting.

Does fear play a dominant role in how you raise your kids? For non-Americans, does your country have these issues as well?

 

[PantherLotus]

/ lets kid play outside

/ kidnapped / breaks arm / hit by car

/ parents blamed for wrongful death / neglect and sent to prison

/ blamed for 'parenting out of fear'

 

[jwk94]

/ lets kid play outside

/ kidnapped / breaks arm / hit by car

/ parents blamed for wrongful death / neglect and sent to prison

/ blamed for 'parenting out of fear'

You've got a really good point. A few years back, a mother got arrested for leaving her kid to play at the park.

 

[PantherLotus]

/ lets kid play dangerous sports

/ kid gets early-onset CT

/ blamed for ignoring ample evidence, sent to prison for neglect

/ blamed for 'parenting out of fear'

 

[TS-08]

You've got a really good point. A few years back, a mother got arrested for leaving her kid to play at the park.

I feel like that would be an example of the effect, not the cause.

 

[PantherLotus]

Can you fucking imagine letting a 9 year old little girl walk home by herself every day?

That's just one example of this boomer finding yet another reason to blame gen x and younger parents for fucking everything.

 

[hyp]

most Americans parent based on religious values, not surprised.

 

[Shake Appeal]

For non-Americans, does your country have these issues as well?

Not in the same way, but other OECD countries also don't have frequent school shootings and developing-world murder rates, so apples and oranges.

 

[Xando]

As someone looking in from the outside it looks like not only parenting but most of the american society is based on fear.

Fear is a good distraction for real issues.

For non-Americans, does your country have these issues as well?

Not really. Kids are generally having a lot of freedom.

I started going to school alone in 2nd or 3rd grade and usually went to visit friends in the afternoons.

 

[RangerX]

Can you fucking imagine letting a 9 year old little girl walk home by herself every day?

That's just one example of this boomer finding yet another reason to blame gen x and younger parents for fucking everything.

I'm genuinely not sure if this is sarcasm or not. Do you think 9 year olds are too young to walk home by themselves? What are you afraid will happen.

 

[TheLostBigBoss]

Yea, kids being driven everywhere is fucking real and it's ridiculous.

We have a single bus stop in our culdesac. Four families with kids, four fucking SUV's parked outside of the bus stop waiting to send their kids off to school.

 

[Dishwalla]

American society in general is governed by fear.

 

[SpecX]

You've got a really good point. A few years back, a mother got arrested for leaving her kid to play at the park.

I kind of remember that story. Didn't she leave her kid unsupervised for hours at the park though? If that's the case, then that's deserved. A park is not a babysitter for your child while at work.

 

[gabbo]

Can you fucking imagine letting a 9 year old little girl walk home by herself every day?

That's just one example of this boomer finding yet another reason to blame gen x and younger parents for fucking everything.

Yes, why can't you?

 

[benicillin]

American society in general is governed by fear.

Yup this is pretty entirely true.

 

[Somnid]

I feel the issue is related to the relatively high mobility of US families. Like, we don't have a strong culture of community living, we move constantly for work or lifestyle, it's almost considered failure to live close to your own parents. Even in a smaller scope people are more mobile in the sense that they drive long distances. As a result you naturally do not heavily develop as strong a relationship with the people based on locality, and are more likely to develop bonds of mutual interest (work, class, gym etc) rather than location. On the neighborhood level you're coming and going and so are they, so you don't trust it.

 

[entremet]

most Americans parent based on religious values, not surprised.

It's actually not about that, it's more about the whole culture of fear, helicopter parenting trend, and that cuts across religiosity in the US.

 

[TheLostBigBoss]

I kind of remember that story. Didn't she leave her kid unsupervised for hours at the park though? If that's the case, then that's deserved. A park is not a babysitter for your child while at work.

1) How old is the kid?

2) If it's old enough to be by itself playing, what's wrong with the kid being in the park for hours?

America is all about fear. So none of this is shocking.

 

[Morrigan Stark]

Can you fucking imagine letting a 9 year old little girl walk home by herself every day?

Uh.... yes?

 

[JZA]

I think parenting would make sense as a college class. People should learn that no, their parents probably weren't perfect, so they probably shouldn't do everything their parents did.

 

[Emperor_Uriel]

You've got a really good point. A few years back, a mother got arrested for leaving her kid to play at the park.

Yep, we've let this get really out of control.

You can be charged with endangering the welfare of a child for leaving your kid alone in the car for two minutes. You can be arrested for negligence for letting your child walk to the store to buy some groceries.

Police love this stuff, because it helps fill their quotas and is easy to justify as being "for the safety of our kids!" This is especially true in upper class suburban areas where there are rarely ever any actual dangers for the police to address.

And that's just the parents themselves. Let's not forget about how every childcare/education industry is almost totally devoid of male workers due to fear of false accusations and parental hysteria.

Not in the same way, but other OECD countries also don't have frequent school shootings and developing-world murder rates, so apples and oranges.

Sad thing is, these school shootings tend to be perpetrated by kids whose parents fall into the fear-mongering, overly-anxious category. They don't want their kids to see counselors or develop support networks, because their #1 priority is convincing themselves that their child doesn't have a problem. They'll preserve their own peace of mind, no matter the cost. (And let's not forget, these kids often start their rampages by shooting their parents, as if they're aware of the role they played in isolating them.)

 

[Head of Vengarl]

Can you fucking imagine letting a 9 year old little girl walk home by herself every day?

That's just one example of this boomer finding yet another reason to blame gen x and younger parents for fucking everything.

Uhh, yeah I can. I used to walk home from elementary school and so did a bunch of other kids. And I'm not some baby boomer - I'm 28 and this was in the 90s.

 

[teruterubozu]

This is nothing new at all. "Helicopter parents" was a huge topic in the 90s.

 

[Bounceounce]

/ lets kid play outside

/ kidnapped / breaks arm / hit by car

/ parents blamed for wrongful death / neglect and sent to prison

/ blamed for 'parenting out of fear'

People die everyday b.

 

[PaulBizkit]

In Amsterdam, our daughters play for hours in front of our house while I’m inside working. In Boston, I wouldn’t dare leave them for five minutes in Titus Sparrow Park. It’s not about safety. It’s about the judgment of those playground-patrolling parents.

Well, that's great and all for you high elves living in Elysium. But I live in south america and underaged girls can and WILL get kidnapped as soon as you leave them alone on the street. She can be walking home from school and, all of a sudden, a white van parks in front of her, 5 guys grab her, take her in, and your little princess ends up sucking dicks in Paraguay for the rest of her life.

If you have a son, just tell him to give everything to the thief and he'll be safe (any meth head can kill you unintentionally, but at least your son can escape).

 

[Media]

I am guilty of this.

Of course, I was horribly abused as a child and know first hand the dangers, so my anxiety is a part of that. I'm working on it. I'm going to let my almost 14 year old walk to school next term. I've been letting them all go biking in the neighborhood. I think I'm growing. Still scared shitless something is going to happen to them, but I don't want to ruin them socially either.

 

[clearacell]

Can you fucking imagine letting a 9 year old little girl walk home by herself every day?

That's just one example of this boomer finding yet another reason to blame gen x and younger parents for fucking everything.

I remember walking home from school in kindergarten. I grew up in the very late 80s and early 90s, it doesn't seem that long ago but our culture is so damned different than it was back then.

 

[Duxxy3]

Child safety and well being trump everything in a child's life. Even their own development.

We don't let our kids fall or fail. They're the best at everything that they do, or at least no worse than anybody else.

So kids grow up and hit adulthood. And it hits them like a ton of bricks.

 

[Ketch]

I'm genuinely not sure if this is sarcasm or not. Do you think 9 year olds are too young to walk home by themselves? What are you afraid will happen.

9 years old is probably a fine age, every child is different though. Every neighborhood is different too.

But, not much younger then that and you risk the school / other parents reporting you to the police or child services.

That's what I would be worried about at least.

 

[Marmaladefire]

I feel the issue is related to the relatively high mobility of US families. Like, we don't have a strong culture of community living, we move constantly for work or lifestyle, it's almost considered failure to live close to your own parents. Even in a smaller scope people are more mobile in the sense that they drive long distances. As a result you naturally do not heavily develop as strong a relationship with the people based on locality, and are more likely to develop bonds of mutual interest (work, class, gym etc) rather than location. On the neighborhood level you're coming and going and so are they, so you don't trust it.

Yeah, everything is super spread out in the suburbs, and generally the sociality of it is all a facade. You don't really trust or want to be around your neighbor, your kid's school isn't actually in walking distance, your job is even farther then that, and the after school activities are also in a different place. Centralized areas where children and families can/should be safe with a community safety net isn't extremely common in areas where people even have enough money and time to drag kids from place to place and helicopter.

I had health issues as a kid, and so didn't have any choice but to be constantly watched over, and It was probably a really bad thing for me long term as far as social ability and fears go, so I don't know why anyone would do it willingly, but the way the sprawling suburbs are set up, I see how a family could fall into those patterns without even noticing.

 

[MetatronM]

Can you fucking imagine letting a 9 year old little girl walk home by herself every day?

That's just one example of this boomer finding yet another reason to blame gen x and younger parents for fucking everything.

I'm trying to figure out if this is a sarcastic post or not. I think my meter is broken.

 

[trembli0s]

Basically every indicator for violent crime has decreased since the 1980s, sometimes precipitously, and yet parents seem more freaked out than ever.

With the plethora of tracking options available to parents it blows my mind that our society is so paranoid. I used to run around the streets in Houston for hours on end with my childhood friends and we would scrape the hell out of ourselves riding our bikes, going to the park, and just generally being kids. I can't imagine how bored I would feel as a kid growing up in the helicopter parent age.

 

[Master Yoshi]

I would NEVER let my child walk to school. Wtf is this shit.

 

[TheLostBigBoss]

Well, that's great and all for you high elves living in Elysium. But I live in south america and underaged girls can and WILL get kidnapped as soon as you leave them alone on the street. She can be walking home from school and, all of a sudden, a white van parks in front of her, 5 guys grab her, take her in, and your little princess ends up sucking dicks in Paraguay for the rest of her life.

If you have a son, just tell him to give everything to the thief and he'll be safe (any meth head can kill you unintentionally, but at least your son can escape).

You know this article is talking about the US right

 

[Xando]

/ lets kid play outside

/ kidnapped / breaks arm / hit by car

/ parents blamed for wrongful death / neglect and sent to prison

/ blamed for 'parenting out of fear'

I broke my leg on a playground when i was younger and no one blamed my parents for it.

It just happens and kids learn from it.

 

[sikkinixx]

Canada here but man the amount of students I deal with that have "anxiety" and their parents coddle the living shit out of them is baffling.

"oh well she was really tired and anxious about her test so could we move it to next week?"

"he just had a fight with a friend and this project is causing him distress, can you give him an alternate assignment instead?"

"well she has trouble speaking in front of people, can she write something at home instead? [this was for a one-on-one oral history test that they knew the questions for weeks in advance]

"oh... but her getting a zero for not handing in an assignment causes her self-esteem to drop and makes her upset."

If you are diagnosed with anxiety and on some kind of treatment plan? Fair enough. If mom and dad use Dr. Google to decide their kids can't deal with anything that makes them the slightest bit uncomfortable or have the chance of failing, then fuck off.

 

[Sunster]

I will parent based off information that we have now about raising children and being safe in general. I will not pretend it is 1950 or 1970 and ignore what we have learned since then.

 

[Aske]

I am guilty of this.

Of course, I was horribly abused as a child and know first hand the dangers, so my anxiety is a part of that. I'm working on it. I'm going to let my almost 14 year old walk to school next term. I've been letting them all go biking in the neighborhood. I think I'm growing. Still scared shitless something is going to happen to them, but I don't want to ruin them socially either.

That's an awful tightrope to walk. For what it's worth, were I a parent, I'd be far more worried about my kids if I was raising them in the States versus raising them somewhere like Sweden.

One can't make sweeping statements about parenting like this. Your level of vigilance will need to be determined by your country, state, town, or neighbourhood. These variables are far from equal. Trust your gut and the information available to you, and I'm sure you'll make the right calls.

 

[TheLostBigBoss]

I don't know about American, but this parent let her child play on a park and look what happened. Children aren't even safe on local parks in the UK.

Boy, 16, charged with rape of eight-year-old girl

So one horrible thing happens and everyone freaks out?

One incident doesnt mean kids arent safe.

 

[NoblesseOblige]

It's 2017. Kids don't play outside.

 

[PaulBizkit]

You know this article is talking about the US right

I know, but that "In Amsterdam life is perfect" part made me mad as all hell

 

[Mesoian]

Can you fucking imagine letting a 9 year old little girl walk home by herself every day?

That's just one example of this boomer finding yet another reason to blame gen x and younger parents for fucking everything.

Yes. Imagine 6 year olds doing the shopping.

Granted this is a Japanese fluff piece, but it's pretty much solely intended to push their kids as young as 4 to be able to function independently in order to do simple things like attend/return from school or go to a corner store unattended.

Until I hit 7, I was expected to be able to get to school, after school activities and home independently with very little deviation (baseball practice was across town when I played so that was an issue). If I ever have kids, which is extremely unlikely, I'd assume that they'd have to do the same.

 

[Xando]

So one horrible thing happens and everyone freaks out?

One incident doesnt mean kids arent safe.

Yeah people are way too paranoid these days

 

[RangerX]

9 years old is probably a fine age, every child is different though. Every neighborhood is different too.

But, not much younger then that and you risk the school / other parents reporting you to the police or child services.

That's what I would be worried about at least.

It certainly wouldn't happen in my country. I often see kids aged 6 and up walking home from school. It's completely normal and certainly wouldn't get you reported.

 

[daxy]

Can you fucking imagine letting a 9 year old little girl walk home by herself every day?

That's just one example of this boomer finding yet another reason to blame gen x and younger parents for fucking everything.

Uh, I walked or biked to and from school at age nine here in the Netherlands (and so did most of my classmates).

 

[otake]

I went to Amsterdams for multiple weeks every year for 8 years. It's like a different world. Amsterdam is all about public transportation and safety. The city has a lot of affluent people even in the red light district. Kids are very independent but you don't see them out at night much, at least I didn't. It's very much like Manhattan.

With that said, I don't think that's how people live in Naaldwijk for example. That city is like a suburb.

Articles like these are informative but unfair. Amsterdam is a lot more like Manhattan than suburb. Boston is comparable to a degree. You can't always expect kids to bike to school in the suburbs.

 

[PeskyToaster]

my walk would to school would be a good two hours. I took the bus.

 

[pablito]

I'm in agreement with a lot of this, but

Parents here are far more likely to prioritize their own anxiety over their children's happiness, development and even safety (hence why most suburban parents drive kids to school even when walking has been proven to be significantly safer), and will even extend their judgements to the children in more laissez-faire families.

How is driving to school less safe than walking? Are we talking about car accidents vs people that get hurt on walks?

 

[Hari Seldon]

I feel the issue is related to the relatively high mobility of US families. Like, we don't have a strong culture of community living, we move constantly for work or lifestyle, it's almost considered failure to live close to your own parents. Even in a smaller scope people are more mobile in the sense that they drive long distances. As a result you naturally do not heavily develop as strong a relationship with the people based on locality, and are more likely to develop bonds of mutual interest (work, class, gym etc) rather than location. On the neighborhood level you're coming and going and so are they, so you don't trust it.

I completely agree. The lack of community anymore is a big factor in this. If you don't know any of your neighbors, you don't know if you can trust them.

 

[muu]

In Oregon it's considered Neglect if your kid is 11 or under. I believe similar laws exist elsewhere. There's several of these types of stories, here's a case of supposed neglect where a 10yrold and 6yrold walked home w/o their parents.

I do believe helicoptering is excessive these days but the law sure doesn't help to strike a compromise.