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Dear Gaf, im struggling.....

INC

Gold Member
Jan 8, 2018
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I know this is a gaming forum, but sometimes faceless opinions help

So recently my wife left me, we had been together for nearly 20 years, and im finding it extremely difficult to move on.

What makes it worse is before she left, out relationship seems to of turned a corner and we were really starting to be extremely happy, our relationship seemed fun and loving, and then bam, she leaves.

Really struggling to cope, I've tried everything to be positive, and put a brave face on everything in life, but I really don't know how to move forward

On top of that, we have a dog, who is with me, but now due to my job, its looking like I may have to give him up as well, my job may also not be secure, so it feels like I've almost lost everything in the space of a month, when a month ago I thought my life had finally started to all fit into place.

People say i just need time, which i understand, but I'm the wrong side of 35, and not sure what my future even holds. I've had moments of weakness where I've had to watched because they feared for my safety.

I know I'm a piss taker on here, and generally try to have a laugh and not take shit seriously. But I'm at a massive cross roads in my life, and i feel completely lost

Feel free to rinse me, its all good, but I genuinely don't know what to do, or where to turn.

Ps: yeh yeh its a gaming forum, but sometimes being anonymous and hearing a detached opinion can help u see shit for a different PoV

I'm really lost
 
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Maiden Voyage

Gold™ Member
Sep 5, 2014
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Hey man, I am really sorry to hear that. I enjoy your posts here so don't worry about getting serious. This place has a good balance between real talk and general bs.

There's nothing I can do besides say that you will get through this and provide an ear if you need it. You are a strong person and can take this situation and build a better life for yourself. Take time to grieve but don't wallow. Hit the gym and take up a hobby you otherwise haven't had time for. Download Tinder and hit the field (only when you are ready).

I'm here any time you need to talk brother.
 

strange headache

Fluctuat nec mergitur
Jan 14, 2018
2,888
12,101
905
There is a hazelnut tree in my garden that I had to cut many times because it just got too large. Each and every time it only grows back stronger.

You are going through a really tough time, but why should all that pain be the end of you? Why not use it to become a better you? I'm sorry if it may sound a bit too easy, but suffering is not all bad, it can be a powerful motivator too!
Start by doing the things you've always wanted to do but never got around to. First the smaller things and then little by little you'll feel better.

Wounds take time and some will never fully heal so wear those scars with pride. In the end, they make us who we are.
In other words, be like my hazelnut tree, nothing gets that f*cker down!
 
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Liljagare

Member
May 8, 2013
2,308
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825
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Sorry to hear that bud, experienced something similar myself.

I know your world might be crumbling at the moment, but, in the end, things will work out, they always do. You might not like how it works out, but, everything works out. Take a breathe and don't listen to your panicking reptile brain.

Also, I would deffo try to keep the dog, they are amazing animials to have around when the shit hits the fan, both literarly, and emotionally.

Toss a PM if you feel you need to!

Just remember, stay calm, don't think about next year, get through the week, it all starts with little steps.
 

Loope

Member
Dec 7, 2020
777
992
295
Age doesn't mean shit, that's the first thing you should think off. A collegue of mine was divorced since 38 for 10 years, just this week he told me he found someone who makes him really happy.

Second you should deal with this kind of stuff one thing at a time. First the one you have some sort of control over, your job. For now, comit to your job, it will help you with the job itself and also keep your mind occupied so you don't think that much about your ex-wife. You were with her for 20 years, it's only normal that you think about her, especially when you seemed to be more into the relationship than herself, since she left you quite suprisingly.

The dog is the worst part, as of now. It's fucked up if you have to give away the poor animal, i would search for some place where they take care of the dogs during working hours (assuming the dog means a lot to you) because loosing the dog now, might throw you in a more downward spiral.

You'll have to take your time, aknowledge the pain, anger etc. Try to go out with some friends to vent a little and then starting working on building your life back up, i know it seems like a easier said than done, but you'll do it. I almost lost everything at 30, including my life, but step by step i just rebuilt everything and moved on.
 

AlteredForms

Member
Oct 22, 2013
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our relationship seemed fun and loving, and then bam, she leaves.
Damn, imagine getting blindsided like that. One moment you're cheerfully rolling through Pleasantville in the drop top and suddenly reality comes crashing down the hill and sideswipes your ass 1st class to Palookaville. Did she at least make an attempt to express her displeasure or leave a note on the fridge, what she say?
 
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chromhound

Member
Jan 17, 2017
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i feel your pain... i thought i found the one but found out she was cheating being my back. Go out, see some friends, Workout at the gym, learn new things. You might find the one, who knows.
 
Jan 21, 2019
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So, at 36 I divorced my wife of 10 years (together for around 18 years). Overall, she was a great mom, but a bad spouse, she was vulgar, lazy, anxious, depressed, asexual, spent all my money, and rarely earned her own. I destroyed what she knew as her life by divorcing her and finding someone new. This new person is positive, clean, wholesome, career-driven, and took my kids on as if they were her own and we are set to get married as soon as we find a house together.

Point being, my ex-wife found someone new amongst the rubble and is now building a new life with them. I'm happy for them for sure even though she is still a raging cunt at times. But in the end, all is well, the kids have adjusted and so on. But at the beginning of all of this, she was ravaged, devastated, and slept with anyone that would put a dick in her, it still took her a year of me paying for everything before she found a job, but that's beside the point.

Time will indeed help heal you, but so will Tinder, Bumble and whatever the fuck. Now's your time to get out and focus on yourself, whether that be exercise, hobbies, and so on. Go figure out what or who will make you happy. Chances are, in 20 years, there's probably plenty of things you never may have thought about where you put yourself aside, treated unfairly, and gave your everything to someone that ultimately gave you nothing in return. In that you probably gave up things you loved or never tried something that you thought you might enjoy. I know I did, which is why I turned it all around and I'm so much happier for doing so. I understand your situation is different than mine, but there could be parallels.

Pick yourself up, get them endorphins going and start moving on. Just make sure you're not putting yourself aside.
 
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INC

Gold Member
Jan 8, 2018
7,595
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Damn, imagine getting blinded like that. Did she at least make an attempt to express her displeasure or leave a note on the fridge, what she say?

We spent an entire night til like 5am going over it, id done everything she asked as well, changed my attitude, she seemed happy

Then said its too late, even tho she basically got everything she wanted, why I'm finding it hard. I'd basically fallen head over heels again, id changed for the better, and she still left

Also 10hrs after all that, I caught asking another dude round to where she was staying

So it was like having my entire life and emotions completely flipped.

So she said she'd moved on months ago, even tho she seemed to be happy, its feels like I was built up, to be fucked over.

So I'm left still in love, and she dont wanna know.

Its an extremely hard pill to swallow, like my entire 20 yeas was a massive lie, and im an abuser apparently

Which leaves me questioning everything about my own personality

Don't really know what's real and what wasn't anymore
 

DeafTourette

Older than air but younger than the foundations of the earth
Apr 23, 2018
5,888
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I'm sorry man. We may not interact often but I hope things get better for you. Breakups are hard, whether they're after 10 years or 6 months (I've been through both)... But you WILL get through it.

I get the vent session and your feelings are valid. Take it one day at a time. That's all any of us can do.
 

Mossybrew

Member
Apr 2, 2015
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Bellingham WA
So she said she'd moved on months ago, even tho she seemed to be happy, its feels like I was built up, to be fucked over.

Yup. Women will do this. They will often decide to leave a relationship at a certain point, but you won't find out until they are ready to tell you, could be weeks could be months later, but by the time you find out, she's already mentally and emotionally checked out so she's fine.

Anyway, I've been there. Was married 20 years. It will always leave a scar, but life does that to you. And the cliche is right, time will make things better. Just take it one day at a time. Slowly rediscover who you are without her. It's a process and it can take a long time but you will one day reach the light at the end and discover you are living a whole new life and you haven't thought about her in months.
 
Jan 10, 2021
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That sounds brutal man. I'm sorry to hear that brother.

I'm not sure what you mean by being on the "wrong side of 35," but in my experience, men have an easier time dating the older they get. I'm in my late 30s now and have had 100x more success in my 30s than in my 20s.

I feel like men get more desirable the older they get where the inverse is true for women. It puts us in an extremely advantegous position when it comes to relationships as we start to age.

Not sure if that helps at all.
 

SubZero_Wins

Member
Oct 6, 2019
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Really sorry to hear that, Man. We're actually a year apart in age (I'm 34) But if you need to move on, You can still meet someone special in your life, Someone around 25 and up might want to go out with ya. It's pretty much what's happened to me.

Is there a job you can find that'll give you some extra time? That way you can work on you a bit, Enjoying your hobbies and such, As well as getting to keep your doggy.

I really wish the best for ya! Take care.
 

Liljagare

Member
May 8, 2013
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We spent an entire night til like 5am going over it, id done everything she asked as well, changed my attitude, she seemed happy

Then said its too late, even tho she basically got everything she wanted, why I'm finding it hard. I'd basically fallen head over heels again, id changed for the better, and she still left

Also 10hrs after all that, I caught asking another dude round to where she was staying

So it was like having my entire life and emotions completely flipped.

So she said she'd moved on months ago, even tho she seemed to be happy, its feels like I was built up, to be fucked over.

So I'm left still in love, and she dont wanna know.

Its an extremely hard pill to swallow, like my entire 20 yeas was a massive lie, and im an abuser apparently

Which leaves me questioning everything about my own personality

Don't really know what's real and what wasn't anymore

That is all on her, has nothing to do with you really.. :\

PS. In theese sort of situations, you kinda want to also avoid alcohol.. :eek: Or, drown yourself, it all depends on what type of person you are, so, just think about it.. :p
 
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Liljagare

Member
May 8, 2013
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......yeh already done a bottle JD......fuck it lol

I'm not a drinker, so its a short term thing

Also stopped buying weed as well, to clear my head

We are all different though, you do you for now.. :) It's ok to be selfish at times!!
 
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AlteredForms

Member
Oct 22, 2013
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Its an extremely hard pill to swallow, like my entire 20 yeas was a massive lie, and im an abuser apparently

Which leaves me questioning everything about my own personality

Don't really know what's real and what wasn't anymore
You can't believe that because it's simply not true. Women can see a man for what he really is without even trying. She might not get to the core on the first meeting, but she'll eventually strip those layers in no time. And if the abuse story was true, why did he stick around for 20 years to be with you, why did she even fucking marry you and put on that ring and say those vows, baby you and me till death do us part?!

You became boring and mundane to her, that spark and passion that was there at the beginning of the relationship gave out and she wasn't willing to put the work in to reignite it. And I'll tell this to young people all the time, don't be in a rush to marry somebody unless you know them inside and out, because I would rather make mistakes early on in life than later on and having it go to ruin and picking up the pieces and starting over again.

Stay strong OP. Here's something that'll cheer you up:

 

T8SC

Member
Jun 22, 2013
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You won't find the answer in alcohol, drugs or anything else like that. Hit the gym, get beast, improve your self confidence, meet someone new.

As for the doggo, stay positive, you may not have to go down that road & you have your job so don't think negatively on that front either.
 

INC

Gold Member
Jan 8, 2018
7,595
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740
You won't find the answer in alcohol, drugs or anything else like that. Hit the gym, get beast, improve your self confidence, meet someone new.

As for the doggo, stay positive, you may not have to go down that road & you have your job so don't think negatively on that front either.

Thats my only silver lining in this, trying to be positive to myself and everyone around me still, to build people up, if I can be positive through this shit, then In my mind there's not much that can sway me ever again

Its a working process

And as said, I haven't resorted to the bottle or drugs, because I know the road that leads to.
 

Ionian

Member
Apr 25, 2013
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We spent an entire night til like 5am going over it, id done everything she asked as well, changed my attitude, she seemed happy

Then said its too late, even tho she basically got everything she wanted, why I'm finding it hard. I'd basically fallen head over heels again, id changed for the better, and she still left

Also 10hrs after all that, I caught asking another dude round to where she was staying

So it was like having my entire life and emotions completely flipped.

So she said she'd moved on months ago, even tho she seemed to be happy, its feels like I was built up, to be fucked over.

So I'm left still in love, and she dont wanna know.

Its an extremely hard pill to swallow, like my entire 20 yeas was a massive lie, and im an abuser apparently

Which leaves me questioning everything about my own personality

Don't really know what's real and what wasn't anymore

EDIT: to PM instead.
 
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INC

Gold Member
Jan 8, 2018
7,595
15,400
740
I feel your pain, had the exact same thing happen to me recently.
Women are dark cruel bunch of cunt, well the shitty ones with old mental issues anyway, not all women, all the women in my family don't seem to be fucking head cases.

Hope you get your shit sorted dude, no one deserves that
 
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Ionian

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Apr 25, 2013
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Women are dark cruel bunch of cunt, well the shitty ones with old mental issues anyway, not all women, all the women in my family don't seem to be fucking head cases.

Hope you get your shit sorted dude, no one deserves that

Cheers dude edited my post just as you quoted it :p

Anyways I'm not dead, I just meant as in feeling your pain. That's all. :)
 

Sybrix

Member
Aug 20, 2017
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I know you won’t believe this now but time is the healer

it will get easier with time

Try to focus on the positives coming out of this, seek out support from family and friends also

Like others have said here, join a gym, get a bike, do something to focus on
 
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FunkMiller

Member
Aug 14, 2014
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It’s a cliche, but it’s true: time heals.

Things are going to suck for a while. There’s nothing you can do about that. Accept that they will suck, but know that things do get better. They get easier.

Nothing lasts forever, and that’s both a blessing and curse.

Just take care of yourself for now, steel yourself against self doubt or depressive thoughts, and think about six months from now, or maybe a year.

You’ll get through it.
 

McCheese

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Jan 7, 2018
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Aw man, that sounds rough. But no kids? So it could be worse.

35 isn't that old, Christ I've met people who've gone their whole lives without really having a plan and still had a decent enough time, the idea that most folks are on a path they've decided upon in life is a myth, it's a fucking obstacle course for all of us.

Sorry to hear your wife left, she probably found someone else before she left you which is why it seemed sudden and out of nowhere for you, women like security and monkey branch out of one relationship straight into another. But don't bother resenting, it is what it is.

Keep the dog at all cost, fuck the job, no job will love you and care for you as much.

What profession are you in? I feel like work advice isn't really doable without knowing. But remote working became way easier so maybe that's opened some new doors for you to investigate.

Take care
 
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Alebrije

Member
Feb 25, 2010
10,297
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OP This is very true...hold on...it coult take months or years but it will rise..

The new "morning" could be very different from what your life used to be but humans are adaptable.

Meanwhile find happines on simple things like watch a sun rise, talk to a friend, learn something new...focus on moving your happiness to new things and experiences. This is part of life a lot of us were left behind but honestly we never are alone if we thrust in ourselves.

In case the darkness is very deep look for professional help.ASAP.
 
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Liamario

Member
Feb 5, 2012
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My brother took his life in March this year. His useless wife deserted him the same week we buried our father, she completely ghosted him. Returned for his funeral to claim his assets. He was dealing with health issues and depression. She was too weak to help him and was only in it for the good times.

He put a lot of value in himself based on a job he didn't like and a woman he loved who didn't love him. You're having a tough time OP, but this period of your life doesn't define you and will only make you more resilient when you get through it. Be kind to yourself, cry, feel sorry for yourself. You've every right to. Talk to people and tell them how you feel, don't bottle it up. Don't be ashamed to say that life is hard right now and ask for help. You have to fight for yourself.
 

nush

Gold Member
Oct 16, 2017
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A long haul flight from wherever you are.
What makes it worse is before she left, out relationship seems to of turned a corner and we were really starting to be extremely happy, our relationship seemed fun and loving, and then bam, she leaves.

Dude, she was cheating on you. Had herself in a nice position to monkeybranch to the new dude and using you as the fallback if that new relationship didn't pan out. She had her cake and ate it as well so no wonder she was "Happy".

It's OK to feel bad,sad, mad in that situation. Take some time to feel that way and then one day draw a line under it and put all those feeling in a drawer and move on otherwise they will negatively effect your future life. 35 isn't old there's still women out there and some will have been through what you have and understand not looking negatively on you for it.

Her calling you an abuser is her gaslighting you and shirking responsibilities for her actions. So don't let that self doubt creep in about who you are.

Also, most importantly if she comes swinging back round after her new relationship doesn't work out "Lets have another try" close the damn door on that.

You'll get though this, many of us have already.
 

Sub_Level

wants to fuck an Asian grill.
Apr 9, 2009
31,686
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Life never fits into place for long. The sunset tied up with a bow ending is only in the movies. Every day is a whole new set of struggles to be happy be they major or mundane. So just take it one day at a time, thats all you can do.
 
Mar 3, 2020
1,468
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That sounds brutal man. I'm sorry to hear that brother.

I'm not sure what you mean by being on the "wrong side of 35," but in my experience, men have an easier time dating the older they get. I'm in my late 30s now and have had 100x more success in my 30s than in my 20s.

I feel like men get more desirable the older they get where the inverse is true for women. It puts us in an extremely advantegous position when it comes to relationships as we start to age.

Not sure if that helps at all.

This man speaks the truth. I was a disaster women wise...actually everything wise until my mid thirties. The best is yet to come, once you reach 40, it's the prime poon season. Young girls who lust after the older man, hot women the same age and horny as fuck MILFs are all yours for the taking. And son, take them you will!

Kick back...find a new career or hobby. And when you come up for breath inbetween the sweaty clunge sessions, you might realise one of them is the one. But for now. Take it easy. Relax. The next few months are all going to be about YOU. You, you, you and just you. You deserve it!

Big fuck off 110" OLED the missus stopped you buying? Fuck her, it's yours.

PS5 with a tittyrack decal faceplate? It's yours!

Hedonistic boys holiday to Ibiza snorting Coke off the Bikini body of two horny lasses you've just met at Amnesia? Fuck that. Only two? Make it a foursome!
 
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Tschumi

Gold Member
Jul 4, 2020
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Looking at the past is good for learning lessons, but it's not any kind of indicator of how you should feel tomorrow.

Maybe you've come out of this better, maybe she wasn't right for you in which case a lifetime together would not have been a good move would it? Maybe you did a few things in the past that warranted her moving on, be grateful that she motivated you to change, not many "abusers" can do that and if you have it's an achievement to be proud of... retain those lessons and be a better man moving forward :)

Spilt milk and all that.

Maybe with your newfound disconnection you can make a move, find a new place, a new country maybe, where employment in your field is easier to come by? It's okay to think about the missed opportunities, but spare a thought for the new ones!

... Good luck and jah bless.
 

nush

Gold Member
Oct 16, 2017
11,854
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A long haul flight from wherever you are.
This man speaks the truth. I was a disaster women wise...actually everything wise until my mid thirties. The best is yet to come, once you reach 40, it's the prime poon season. Young girls who lust after the older man, hot women the same age and horny as fuck MILFs are all yours for the taking. And son, take them you will!
 
Feb 24, 2018
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In 2012 my wife left me under similar circumstances. I was only 30, but instead a dog we had kids (and a dog). Story is identical to what you've written. In the 9 years that have passed I'm in a happy, stable relationship 8 years strong. Personal salary has more than doubled and I'm doing better than I thought possible at 30. She's barely above gutter status. Works the struggle shift at Wal-Mart. Had her ass beat by more than one boyfriend, and tbh, I could not be happier about it. Have never forgiven her, and I recommend the same to you. Marriage is a vow of loyalty. If I found her on fire, I wouldn't even bother to stop and take a piss. Have full custody of my kids. I do not share my feelings for her with them and never have. I never speak ill of her around them, but that's for their mental wellbeing rather than hers.

Fuck em. Hold the grudge. It's what has inspired all my progress.
 

Ozzy Onya A2Z

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Apr 16, 2012
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Hang in there brother, women are motivated mentally and often switch their mindset without involving you whatsoever e.g. she appeared happy for awhile recently but that's just her giving it a go in her mind and when things don't work the way they perceive it's already a foregone conclusion that's she's moved on; you weren't part of that process in your details provided. Also reading further in the thread that she's inviting other men over and it's definitely time to rip the bandaid mate. You don't have kids and later in life you'll thank yourself for moving on. Sometimes things go better when you're apart and both of you mature and come back together and other times you just completely move on for the better. Focus entirely on you, what she does is up to her. It sounds like you've put in a hell of an effort, now stop changing yourself for someone else. You make you happy first and it's easier to make someone else happy that gets the real you anyhow. The dog is a tough one, total family member but love is doing what is right for the dog.

Also I cannot pass up an opportunity to make you laugh...

 
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Outlier

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Nov 9, 2020
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Think of it this way. You now have a new lease on life.

You are now free to choose whatever direction you want to go in life, without your exes input.

If she wanted to leave, the separation is most likely the best path forward.

Time only heals physical wounds, but only your decisions can help you heal your mental wounds.

Meditate on this for a short while, then seriously consider putting your mind on new things.

I'm not sure what else to say, but it's time for you to take care of yourself.

Stay strong!
 
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synchronicity

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Dec 16, 2011
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I had a similar scenario a little over three years ago. (I was late 40's at the time.)My wife left in the midst of me struggling with my health and our teenage child going through some hard times. I felt like a mountain had fallen upon me and there was no sliver of light to even know which way to begin digging myself out. And as trite as it may sound, things do get better. Sometimes you just have to huddle up by the fire and let the storm pass. Don't try to escape your negative feelings, it will only cause longer term problems. Feel what you feel - allow it without resistance. Don't wallow in it, but let yourself experience whatever you're feeling fully so that it can process and then it may pass. Don't try to force feeling better. It will come naturally with time. If you need to distract yourself, don't be too hard on yourself - let yourself escape for a bit. But don't, please, run from your pain. Let it be and then be free.

Life never fits into place for long. The sunset tied up with a bow ending is only in the movies. Every day is a whole new set of struggles to be happy be they major or mundane. So just take it one day at a time, thats all you can do.
Most of our "problems" come from expectations. We imagine we understand how things will unfold, whether or not we know it's possibly just fantasy in reality. We make assumptions that life will be such and such, and it's proven over and over again that we had no idea, and yet we persist with living in the future (and/or past) mentally. Just ride the wave of now, and it will be alright.
 
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INC

Gold Member
Jan 8, 2018
7,595
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740
Think of it this way. You now have a new lease on life.

You are now free to choose whatever direction you want to go in life, without your exes input.

If she wanted to leave, the separation is most likely the best path forward.

Time only heals physical wounds, but only your decisions can help you heal your mental wounds.

Meditate on this for a short while, then seriously consider putting your mind on new things.

I'm not sure what else to say, but it's time for you to take care of yourself.

Stay strong!

I have been considering meditation actually, if thats what you meant
 

Coolwhhip

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Aug 26, 2019
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Break ups suck. In a year or even 2 youll think back without strong feelings. Thats how it is. My ex had borderline, she went from worshipping me to making me out to be the devil, that screws with your head. It was 3 years ago, now Im just happy she fucked off.
 

INC

Gold Member
Jan 8, 2018
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Break ups suck. In a year or even 2 youll think back without strong feelings. Thats how it is. My ex had borderline, she went from worshipping me to making me out to be the devil, that screws with your head. It was 3 years ago, now Im just happy she fucked off.

Thats Exactly the same as this, thought she's always have a thing for me, then now won't even interact with me.

Just wish I was the type of dude who can be like fuck you then unfortunately I have an over active empathy gene lol
 

Coolwhhip

Member
Aug 26, 2019
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Thats Exactly the same as this, thought she's always have a thing for me, then now won't even interact with me.

Just wish I was the type of dude who can be like fuck you then unfortunately I have an over active empathy gene lol

Nah you are just still addicted to her, that will fade. But it can take a while, took 2 years for me.