GAF, what are your thoughts on being single?

Dec 16, 2011
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#51
This question hits pretty close to home for me since I'm recently separated from my wife. (married almost 19 years, together about 24.)

We're all creatures of habit, and it was a major adjustment at first - like any big change. There are certainly pros and cons like everything else, but I still remember a moment where I just felt the "shackles" fall off. (I don't mean this as any disrespect towards women or marriage, fwiw.) I just realized, "Wow, I can do whatever I want." It was such an intense and overwhelming feeling of liberation. Of course this is coming from someone who had been in a very long-term relationship that was full of tension towards the end - perspective matters, but I didn't know what to do with myself. I was so used to planning and living as an "us" that I was like a dog that is used to always walking with a leash and then it was removed and I didn't even realize I could run free for quite a while. (Maybe not the best analogy, but hopefully the point comes through.)

Being single again has suited me thus far. I'm very introverted and quiet most of the time, so it's a natural fit, but I'm not against the possibility of having another partner at some point. I was probably never a "traditional" family man, despite playing that role for a very long time. I need an absolute minimum of maintenance and most long-term relationships seem to require such constant attention. If I find another partner it would be on more of a casual, no-pressure (read bonds of matrimony) basis. I never desired to be married in the first place, but I did so for the pleasure and happiness of the girl I loved. To me, it's just a ceremony. I don't need an official ceremony to commit to someone.

But yeah, in short. Single is fine OP. Coupled is fine. If you're happy as you are, no need to stress for tomorrow. There's no obligation to be or live in any particular way. You may just be feeling societal pressure and expectations, if even below the surface perhaps.
 
May 17, 2018
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#52
I saw gentleman on twitter post the secret to his long marriage and I totally agree with his statement.

When he met his wife she was caring but independent, she had her own money and was confident.

I truly believe you have to be a complete person and happy with yourself before you decide to mix your life with someone else.
 
Aug 18, 2017
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#53
I’m really happy with the progression I’ve made since my last relationship. I get down a little bit otherwise if you had percentages of my well-being, productivity etc. they’d all be up.
 
Feb 22, 2018
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#54
💎five💎
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❤️ENGAGE❤️

To the people proposing we of the single persuasion put ourselves out there and commit to a long term relationship complete with marriage and kids; I won't for a very simple reason; unequal laws in my country. If she 'changes her mind' I lose most of my belongings, any kids I'm emotionally attached to and my life is basically destroyed.

I could be the model husband/father, and it could still happen because men have zero protection here in this context. In fact, if you have a good asset base/good income and you're a single man, marrying in the west is utter lunacy. It's one of the most dangerous things you can do, short of base jumping every weekend.

Closest analogy I can think of is liquidating all your assets, your entire life, flying into Vegas and putting everything on the Roulette wheel.

There are too many friends in my life who were shafted, and broader statistics, that cement getting shafted as highly likely. Well above 70%.

I will have to return to a saner society first. Back to eastern Europe or hit up Asia. The west at least in terms of western women is a marriage no-go zone and probably dead in the long run. This is not how monogamy works.
 
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Dec 18, 2010
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#55
I saw gentleman on twitter post the secret to his long marriage and I totally agree with his statement.

When he met his wife she was caring but independent, she had her own money and was confident.

I truly believe you have to be a complete person and happy with yourself before you decide to mix your life with someone else.
What if everyone that I meet that considers themselves happy and complete I find insufferable 😂
 
Nov 20, 2018
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#60
Single life has its perks if youre career oriented, but that comes with the price I guess.
If you dont have some daily interaction with friends or family, being single is very painful. And no, drowning yourself in media such as games or movies for distraction only makes things worse, for me at least, as I know that this is all unearned gratification.
After spending years in isolation my life only started to get better when I started to interact with people daily.
 

OSC

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Jun 16, 2018
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#61
I don't know what to feel besides anxiety. Like, I'm ok being alone. I have been doing it for years now and become used to it. But maybe I don't know what I'm missing.

Yeah I would like to fine a person to spend my life with and share experiences. Someone to have my back and look after me.
Aging is basically being cracked full open. We may or may not have significant life extension, but healthspan will basically be squared even possibly by things already on the market. We are talking reaching 90s or 100+ with full physical and mental faculties intact and no major illness. Basically you will just suddenly drop dead one day in full health, if life extension ain't solved by then.(For an idea of the type of things I'm talking about look into David Sinclair's more recent speeches on his more recent research, and also books like the longevity diet.)

That said, people should be free to pursue what they like. Perhaps, it is not so much relationships as relationships with normal people, someone with asperger like traits may very well allow for relationships, even serious ones without that high maintenance. Think zero maintenance and effort relations are possible, you just have to find the right kind of person. It is not so much what is outside but what is inside that will limit what types of relations you can form and what amount of effort or noneffort you may require.
 
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Aug 20, 2008
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#63
I saw gentleman on twitter post the secret to his long marriage and I totally agree with his statement.

When he met his wife she was caring but independent, she had her own money and was confident.

I truly believe you have to be a complete person and happy with yourself before you decide to mix your life with someone else.
Agree 100%.

And to add that healthy relationships are not co-dependent ones. You have to maintain a healthy degree of independence for it to work long term for most people. My wife and I are very independent. We keep separate bank accounts (at same bank so we have instant transfers when needed), are both very career driven and don't work together, have lots of alone time, have some mutual friends we see alone and some shared friends we mostly see together and so on. It works great as we fully trust each other, treasure our time together and never get burnt out or sick of each other and rarely fight or bicker.

There are various mixes of what works for different people, but not being co-dependent and being fully trusting of each other are musts regardless of how you do other things like handling money, degree of overlap in friends groups, amounts of alone time etc. that just vary across people.
 
Nov 28, 2018
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#64
Agree 100%.

And to add that healthy relationships are not co-dependent ones. You have to maintain a healthy degree of independence for it to work long term for most people. My wife and I are very independent. We keep separate bank accounts (at same bank so we have instant transfers when needed), are both very career driven and don't work together, have lots of alone time, have some mutual friends we see alone and some shared friends we mostly see together and so on. It works great as we fully trust each other, treasure our time together and never get burnt out or sick of each other and rarely fight or bicker.

There are various mixes of what works for different people, but not being co-dependent and being fully trusting of each other are musts regardless of how you do other things like handling money, degree of overlap in friends groups, amounts of alone time etc. that just vary across people.
I'm not sure I totally agree and some people will watch their pool of potential mates drain during the pursuit.

I think the bigger picture is about aligning expectations which is difficult because some people verbalize expectations that are counter to the actual.
Sometimes this is conscious sometimes it isn't. I know plenty of people in broken relationships because they are out of touch with their actual desires for a mate.
 
Sep 27, 2010
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#66
You are in the exact situation I'm in. Just turned 30, and got out of a long term relationship right around when I turned 29. I have had a few more casual relationships since. I'm liking the bachelor lifestyle but there is something nagging at the back of my mind sometimes. Especially when friends are starting to have kids.

What helps me keep persepctive is that I have two older friends that got settled down in their 40s with younger wives and they seem to be the most content of anyone I know.
 
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#67
According to a 2014 study from Emory University, couples with a one-year age difference have a mere three percent chance of getting divorced. When you bump the age gap up to five years, the chance of divorce goes up to 18 percent. A 10-year difference is 39 percent, and a 20-year age gap has a jaw-dropping 95 percent chance of ending in divorce. Researchers analyzed over 3,000 couples for the study, and found that the larger the age gap between a couple, the more likely they are to get divorced.
Don't do it!
If you and your spouse can't bullshit about the good ol' days of [INSERT CEREAL YALL BOTH ATE AS KIDS] and [INSERT CARTOON YOU BOTH WATCHED AS KIDS] then it's a bad sign.
 
Oct 16, 2017
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#68
I've never had major issues getting a partner of holding relationships but it was a huge boost to my career when I was single in my late 20's where all the more senior staff and people my age were with partners so were not as fee to go on business trips due to home commitments. It was an opportunity for me to be the guy to get sent places and countries when they couldn't or didn't want to. Had a lot of fun with the ladies on those trips anyway. Now I've got the pay grade, I no longer want to go on those overseas trips and there's always a guy that was like me eager to go.

I've had a pretty good balance of being part of a couple and single. Single in my 30's was great and the pool image is damn wrong. It's the sweet spot where you're eligible for the widest range of ladies, so don't force yourself to looking for someone the same age as you.
 
Jan 24, 2018
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#69
Don't do it!
If you and your spouse can't bullshit about the good ol' days of [INSERT CEREAL YALL BOTH ATE AS KIDS] and [INSERT CARTOON YOU BOTH WATCHED AS KIDS] then it's a bad sign.
LOL @ their methodology.

Is using Amazon mechanical turk really a valid way to conduct a survey in academia these days?

It's people from all over the world getting paid pennies to do menial tasks; they have no clue who the respondents are and whether anything they are saying is even remotely accurate. Furthermore they offered $.50-$.75 which pathetically is pretty high for Turk wage for a survey... and anyone on there is DESPERATE for money as the average "pay" is $2 an hour for Turk. So they have every reason to lie and act like they are appropriate for the survey, meaning even if they've never been married or divorced why wouldn't they claim they had?

If you don't know what mTurk is take a look at this article:

https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2018/01/amazon-mechanical-turk/551192/

And this is what I'm talking about, from the linked "stufy" by a "University":

Data collection was conducted in July and August 2014. We offered mTurk workers $0.50 to $0.75 to complete the survey. Altogether, 3,370 people completed the survey. We excluded respondents who had a non-US IP address, reported having a same-sex marriage, reported an age at marriage of less than 13 years old, or were above age 60. We also excluded respondents who finished the survey in less than 2 minutes and provided inconsistent responses about age of partner, which was asked at the beginning and end of the questionnaire. After these filters, the final sample consisted of 3,151 respondents.
Holy shit how out of touch do you have to be to think this is a good way to get accurate survey answers?

And they think IP geolocation is that accurate? Do they realize how many people in desperate countries all over the world use VPNs to hide their IP? I mean a lot of them live in countries where they literally can't access a site like mTurk without being behind a US VPN.
 
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#71
I've never had major issues getting a partner of holding relationships but it was a huge boost to my career when I was single in my late 20's where all the more senior staff and people my age were with partners so were not as fee to go on business trips due to home commitments. It was an opportunity for me to be the guy to get sent places and countries when they couldn't or didn't want to. Had a lot of fun with the ladies on those trips anyway. Now I've got the pay grade, I no longer want to go on those overseas trips and there's always a guy that was like me eager to go.

I've had a pretty good balance of being part of a couple and single. Single in my 30's was great and the pool image is damn wrong. It's the sweet spot where you're eligible for the widest range of ladies, so don't force yourself to looking for someone the same age as you.
Is it?
If I had to look at my graduating class and pick my top 50 girls 45 of them would be married by 30 and the remaining 5 would be single moms or overweight improv comics.
 
Jan 24, 2018
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#73
What the fudge? The "study" talks about wedding spending and not age gap. What am I not getting? Tell me!
No the strudy also covers age gaps.

But how they got the data is SUPER questionable to me.

Which might sound silly that I'm questioning how a University study would gather data, but these academics don't necessarily understand how Amazon Turk works. Whereas I literally created it.

Narrator: I didn't create it, but I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express
 
Oct 23, 2013
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I dated some on my 20's but stopped around 25 and didn't do it again until 34. I traveled a bunch, had some flings but nothing serious. It was amazing. Now I settled in and got married and had a kid. I am super glad I did the single life awhile. Kinda weeds out some of the immature women since they quickly shack up out of the dating pool. The women I found at 34 were more career minded and needed a lot less attention for silly things. Granted a huge amount of the dating pool had kids which makes me think they didn't make super great choices some of the time. Eventually I found one I liked. Take time for yourself and travel or do what you want. Traveling alone is an amazing experience. It makes you go out and meet the locals over just hiding with your friends or partner. Just my 2 cents I guess.
 
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Jan 24, 2018
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#79
Actually your quote is garbage because the study doesn't make that claim.

But using mTurk is still fucking stupid; might as well trust a Fox News survey on Trump's approval rating.
 
Aug 20, 2008
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Is it?
If I had to look at my graduating class and pick my top 50 girls 45 of them would be married by 30 and the remaining 5 would be single moms or overweight improv comics.
I think it varies wildly by area. If I looked at my high school class--small town in a rural state--that would be very true.

But I was single and dating in a big city in my 30s and the options were great. Marriage ages are way higher in big cities full of young professionals as both men and women are putting off long-term commitment while focusing on grad school and careers. Of course you have to be a successful young professional yourself to have success in that dating pool. The pool is always shallower for people in their 30s who aren't successful in their careers and finances.

Even mid 30s into 40s there's lots of options if you don't mind someone who's been divorced (i.e. aren't an incel-ish type who wants some "untainted" woman) since so many people who marry younger end up divorcing.
 
Nov 12, 2018
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#81
I used to consider myself as an Incel. But I'm trying to outgrow that mentality now. It's very destructive in the long term.

I follow some MGTOW principles, meaning that I should not sepnd my life on trying to get validation from women. I'm focusing on myself much more right now. I'm definitely in no shape to be dating currently.
 
Likes: TrainedRage
Dec 1, 2017
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#82
Nothing wrong with being single in my book. It's a lifestyle that you either choose, or circumstance choose it for you.

I moved to a city and focused on my career growth for 10 years, then got laid off, so I was not looking for long term at the moment. Fast forward to 2 more layoffs, and being broke pretty much sealed my path.

But I like to date and have had a few GFs over the years and satisfied. Perhaps down the road things will change. Kids are a no go, but it would be nice to have a partner to split the rent here!

It's funny, now I think of it, most of the ppl I work with are single adults with no kids.
 
Likes: 嫩翼
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#83
There is some great real world advice in this thread. Thanks GAF! I will live vicariously through you all... Only the ones i'm jealous of tho :messenger_winking:
I can't find the study anymore so I can't put the link, I'll search when I'm at home, but I read about this actual "problem" and how the "need" to make a couple is related to our need to get help.

I assume that if you don't feel the "need" to get in a relation it means that you are satisfacted with how your life is, and I can't agree more.

Actually I think that with your state of mind you will be able to really choose the person you want to be with, without having to face the problems connected to the younger age (new work, new problems, new ideas that shape a girl/boy personality).

I'm not saying that the younger couple are wrong we are getting adults later nowdays and many of the times couple get togheter before they are really ready (I did the same).

I'd say that not looking for a partner but having an active social life will get you the perfect relationship (two indipendent persons that stay togheter cause they want to and not cause they have to).

And another thing, don't trust the ppl saying that over 30 you are in trubble, cause at 35 everything changes for the best.

If you are similar to me (according to your posts I think you are) try to get a more social hobby ^^
 
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Nov 12, 2018
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#84
I was single recently and enjoyed travelling around Asia, eating whatever the fuck I wanted and doing whatever the fuck I wanted. The freedom was great, but I got a new girlfriend recently and she gave me three blowjobs in one day, so bye single life, I guess.

Be single, but fuck more, is the best advice I can give. I wasn't fucking enough lol

''Recently''.

Sorry mate but I doubt the multiple BJ's a day thing will last. The crazy sex life is always a common thing in the eve of relationships; during the honey moon phase.

Wait until you get married and have to take care of kids; dead bedrooms lurks closer than you think buddy...
 
Jul 30, 2018
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#85
once you are single in your 30s or older, your chances of finding a women without kids becomes slim to none. Most likely you'll have to deal with her kids.
 
Oct 27, 2017
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#86
once you are single in your 30s or older, your chances of finding a women without kids becomes slim to none. Most likely you'll have to deal with her kids.
There is some truth to this, but it depends on the person. I see people my age (late 30s) who look 10 years older than they are because of their weight or their hairstyle or their choice of clothing or a combination of the three. If you project like a boring old fart, you will attract the same.

I, on the other hand, look after myself, am young at heart, have always dressed creatively and put thought into my hairstyle. As a result, people often mistake me for 10 years younger than I am and I regularly have younger women trying to pick me up. Hell, I spent new years eve in a pool with a bikini wearing 24 year old.

I don’t seek out younger women, in fact, I often find older women more attractive nowadays, but you attract proportionate to the effort you put in. At the same time, it’s extremely unlikely I’d choose to settle down with someone under 25 nowadays as you’d be basically marrying the back of their phone.

TL/DR: Look after yourself. If you give up and turn into Mr Boring or Ms Frumpy Unfashionable, you will limit your pool of mates.
 

嫩翼

so it's not nice
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#87
Nothing wrong with being single in my book. It's a lifestyle that you either choose, or circumstance choose it for you.

I moved to a city and focused on my career growth for 10 years, then got laid off, so I was not looking for long term at the moment. Fast forward to 2 more layoffs, and being broke pretty much sealed my path.

But I like to date and have had a few GFs over the years and satisfied. Perhaps down the road things will change. Kids are a no go, but it would be nice to have a partner to split the rent here!

It's funny, now I think of it, most of the ppl I work with are single adults with no kids.
I'm really happy with being single tbh. I look forward to the rest of my life.
 
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Jul 30, 2018
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#88
There is some truth to this, but it depends on the person. I see people my age (late 30s) who look 10 years older than they are because of their weight or their hairstyle or their choice of clothing or a combination of the three. If you project like a boring old fart, you will attract the same.

I, on the other hand, look after myself, am young at heart, have always dressed creatively and put thought into my hairstyle. As a result, people often mistake me for 10 years younger than I am and I regularly have younger women trying to pick me up. Hell, I spent new years eve in a pool with a bikini wearing 24 year old.

I don’t seek out younger women, in fact, I often find older women more attractive nowadays, but you attract proportionate to the effort you put in. At the same time, it’s extremely unlikely I’d choose to settle down with someone under 25 nowadays as you’d be basically marrying the back of their phone.

TL/DR: Look after yourself. If you give up and turn into Mr Boring or Ms Frumpy Unfashionable, you will limit your pool of mates.
theres a lot more then me just being grumpy, I have family members that are dying, and I have PTSD, and was injured in Iraq
 
Oct 27, 2017
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#89
theres a lot more then me just being grumpy, I have family members that are dying, and I have PTSD, and was injured in Iraq
Jeez, sorry to hear that. I wasn’t commenting on you personally or calling you grumpy at all, just the general idea that past 30 years of age, you are limited in your dating pool. I disagree with that. I think you attract equal quality to the effort you put into yourself.

Then there’s always money. Money makes the dating pool even wider.
 
Jul 30, 2018
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#90
Jeez, sorry to hear that. I wasn’t commenting on you personally or calling you grumpy at all, just the general idea that past 30 years of age, you are limited in your dating pool. I disagree with that. I think you attract equal quality to the effort you put into yourself.

Then there’s always money. Money makes the dating pool even wider.
Yes but most women in this area all have kids, around their 30s or so. And I don't feel like dealing with kids
 
Oct 27, 2017
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#91
Yes but most women in this area all have kids, around their 30s or so. And I don't feel like dealing with kids
Yeah, it isn’t easy. Taking on a partner with pre-existing children can be difficult. It sounds mean, but it’s like inheriting someone else’s problems. Then the other parent of the kids (the ex) can pose major issues too. I’ve seen this cause major headaches for multiple couples.
 
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#92
I'm 33 and have had 4 long term relationships (2-5 years), having lived with 3 of them and being engaged to one, plus a few short flings.

Personally it's not for me. Two years ago I decided to split from my fiancee and chose to be single without plans on ever meeting anyone again. I like all the physical closeness, but nothing else that comes from commitment. When I'm in a relationship, it really doesn't take me long before I'm craving to be left alone. I figured that relationships make me feel limited and that's a sensation that I despise, so that doesn't help either. I also have virtually no desire to have children.

The cherry on the cake to seal the deal are marriage statistics and abhorrent laws around divorce. Am I fuck giving away anything I've worked tooth and nail for.
 
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Oct 23, 2012
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#93
''Recently''.

Sorry mate but I doubt the multiple BJ's a day thing will last. The crazy sex life is always a common thing in the eve of relationships; during the honey moon phase.

Wait until you get married and have to take care of kids; dead bedrooms lurks closer than you think buddy...
I'll ride that train till it derails.
 
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#94
I appreciate the candid and honest OP.

I’m in my 30s.

I haven’t been on a date since I was 27. After having some really negative social experiences I withdrew from my friends and kind of gave up on being social.

I kind of accept that I’m dying alone.

I blew it. At one point I was in shape, and fun, and at least almost average looking.

After I gave up I gained about 120 pounds and just stopped trying. I’m losing my hair, I just look broken down. I’ve at least lost some of that weight back. Went from 180 to 300 and weighed in at 212 today.

Being single doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. I once loved a girl more than I loved anything and she decided she loved someone else more and they kind of fucked me up. Being able to be hurt like that freaks me out.

I feel for my parents. I know they really wanted grandkids, and my older brother can’t have kids.

I dunno.
 
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Aug 20, 2008
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#95
Yes but most women in this area all have kids, around their 30s or so. And I don't feel like dealing with kids
That's definitely a big limiter lots of places. It definitely hit me when I moved to the south at 30. The dating pool is a lot shallower when you don't want kids (I never wanted my own nor anyone that had them). Being an atheist in the south hurt too. It cut out a lot of locals, but at least Atlanta has a huge transplant population so there were still some 30 something young professional women on the same page here. It's a much shallower pool in the suburbs and rural areas.

I still mostly lucked out as the online dating thing didn't lead to anything serious (just a lot of dates and a few month or two flings) and I ended up falling for someone that had been a friend for a while after they got divorced (long enough after to be past rebound flings etc.). Been together over 6 years and married last year. :D
 
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appaws

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Jan 31, 2008
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#97
once you are single in your 30s or older, your chances of finding a women without kids becomes slim to none. Most likely you'll have to deal with her kids.
im also starting to see why older guys go after a lot younger women, cause they don't have kids yet
That is a thing you have to think about if you wait too long to have a relationship. People get paired off and their are a lot less single people around, until you hit later in your 30s and the divorces start happening. Suddenly people your age have kids and issues even if they are single.

Also, people start to look at you funny, like "what has he never been married, what's wrong with him?" My wife and I have friends who are like this, good looking and successful...they have dates and short relationships....but for some reason they just never take those last steps, and we sometimes think their must be some issues there that we don't know about.
 
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#99
That is a thing you have to think about if you wait too long to have a relationship. People get paired off and their are a lot less single people around, until you hit later in your 30s and the divorces start happening. Suddenly people your age have kids and issues even if they are single.

Also, people start to look at you funny, like "what has he never been married, what's wrong with him?" My wife and I have friends who are like this, good looking and successful...they have dates and short relationships....but for some reason they just never take those last steps, and we sometimes think their must be some issues there that we don't know about.
meh, I tried being in relationships before, just didn't really care.
 
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I could never have casual sex. I mean I could try or maybe a girl would be super outgoing but I just have never been the type to hit it and forget it. I get far too emotionally invested.
Same here. I would like another relationship but my last one (my ex fiance) treated me like shit. I now know why women still love and stay in abusive relationships and I have so much sympathy for them. When you are emotionally manipulated for so long you forget who you are as a person and what you are worth. I have trust issues now I loved that woman so damn much and I just feel like love is a lie.
 
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