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Gospels of Cboat as written by prophet ctkayedisto.

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jayu26

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Feb 24, 2013
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So many of you might be aware our lord and savior (or just a very well connected insider, but what's the difference this is gaf) crazy buttocks on a train otherwise known as CBOAT.

Recently he delivered upon us this amazing thread.

Our resident prophet ctkayedisto took the opportunity to spread the word of CBOAT in series of posts.

Following is the collection of said posts. Enjoy.


"And He that comes before you shall talk in strange tongues, yet shall speak the truth."

-- GAF 3:16
"...And they heard the word of God, yet they rejected Him, saying:

'Who are you to be a prophet unto the most holy?'

And CBOAT did not become angry, but instead turned His cheek.

'F u oould slap me, worth ake it no/'

And they weeped, for they saw the error of their ways."

-- GAF 9:9
"... And the whale swallowed CBOAT, and 3 days and 3 nights did He spend in its belly, learning trade secrets, before the whale spat Him out on the shore.

'CBOAT,' the people said, 'where have you been?'

And CBOAT told them of the whale, and of His meeting with the one true God of gaming news inside the whale's belly, yet the people believed Him not.

'Why should we believe you?' they said, 'an illiterate?'

And CBOAT said unto them,

'truthfact, is nott he crrctnsF words I spell th. is wordsmming, &gamezjurnlism', and truthfacts’"

-- GAF 9:20
"... And He came into their place of worship, and He said,

'Dudz r uhrd thur new XEON nuws?'

But they did not believe Him, and they cast Him out, saying,

'We have been fooled by false leakers before! Be gone ye temptor!'

And CBOAT said

'tihs house is of GAF, and xboxX ttoally truthfact lgit, if you b3l3ve r want if u shud blveornot. Ir r commeng.'"

And the priests would not listen, and cast Him out. And CBOAT said,

'plague+3, use on broad, crtical strike'

And the message boards were smote, and the crusaders against CBOAT were no more."

-- GAF 10:4
"And he stood with His disciples, and the disciples pondered His teachings.

And Thomas the doubter said,

'But CBOAT, why have you brought us such news so close to its implementation?'

And the other disciples were silent, and they reflected on the thought. And CBOAT said unto them,

'no trst Imt eh dued. Itzand truthfacts is still portnt but u NO.'

And they were made happy, and their doubts were no more."

-- GAF 11:35
"...And they cried out to Him, lamenting.

'Where art thou? Surely, if thou art a just God, thou will not leave us in such agony!'

And no answer came, and they became angry with CBOAT, and began trashing up the place, saying,

'Verily, CBOAT is not the son of leaks! He is only drunk bish!'

And Pachter did say unto CBOAT,

'See? They will abandon you the moment that you cannot provide them the insider information they crave. They love you not. They only love your information.'

And CBOAT said,

'r jus not trithfacts$. U willC.'"

GAF 11:36
"...And in Reddit they blasphemed His name, and they ignored His teachings, saying,

'Just buy the launch model, I seriously doubt they're coming out with a Kinect-free SKU any time soon.'

And they provoked His ire, and He did smite them, burning their city to the ground with Holy fire.

And they were forever forced to speak in unintelligible tongues, one not understanding the other."

GAF 11:53
"...and he was banned, and he cried out,

'My God? Why have you forsaken me?'

And CBOAT showed no mercy, but stood beside bishoptl, saying,

'uca nt ues that wordonly m3s onie p0nyy.'

And he wept, as he was cast into the lake of fire."

GAF 1:39
"...and CBOAT went to the crowd, and approached them. And the crowd sang praises unto Him, and those with the most posts sang the loudest.

'Hail CBOAT! King of truthfacts!'

And CBOAT walked through the crowd, and spoke not to the members, but came to a junior sitting in the rafters. And He said unto the junior,

'u r cumC truthfact$?'

And the junior, being afraid, nodded. But CBOAT comforted him, and lay His hands upon him, saying,

'truthfact u r all shudb eliek t1hs jr. He r lis$n, nd teh le3ks hll b his.'

And the members bowed, and knew the truth of His words."

GAF 2:5
"...And his disciples wept, and they clung to His garments, and they asked Him,

'CBOAT, why must you leave?'

And CBOAT smiled, and they were filled with His peace. And He said unto them,

'tiemt ochillax w Bill .but ill b hHere'

And they were confused, for they did not understand His words. And He said,

'in ur <e'"

GAF 10:2
"...And in the foreign lands they knew not of CBOAT, and they denied Him and His kingdom.

But when their time of reckoning came, they cried out to Him, saying,

'CBOAT! You save those in your land, surely you will save us, humble men who wish to find peace?'

And CBOAT was silent, but turned away, and helped them not, saying,

'Y on earthw udI liev th3re'"

GAF 2:13
"And in the depths of hell Bleszinski waits
Determ'ing humans as with CBOATS fate
They 'xclaim with joy 'Thank God, CBOAT is here'
But better had they known they'd coil in fear
Evil Bleszinski waits beneath the fold
To take the mantle of the gods of old
A mantle from which CBOAT would deter,
While evil GAFfers guess at and infer.
Yet valiant CBOAT speaks, "nu info blopsfoor c nsied"
And Bleszinski theorists speak and have died,
And yet no CBOAT has been found, espied,
This epic rhyme him does immortalize,
He who would say, 'B1g rumorz on Xeon lossing power r3d 4 more'"

-- the GAFdessy, 9.31 - 9.44
Do not falter now fellow Gaf, for these are trying times...
"...And the people did mock Him and His teachings, and called Him false prophet, and liar, and spoke out against Him.

And CBOAT became not angry, but was at peace, and He blessed them.

And he said unto them,

'truthfact uGu ys r beign diX .ca LLm3 wehn thexbox nuws is wr0gn.'

And they led him away, shouting."

GAF 5:21
I will update the gospel as our lord delivers us with more #TRUTHFACTS, giving our prophet divine inspiration.
 

FZZ

Banned
Jun 5, 2013
12,515
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He needs info on Nintendo mayne.

One day there will be a thread for that, one day.
 

commedieu

Banned
Jan 10, 2009
27,364
1
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Fuck me this is hilarious... I'm picturing cboat rather south parky . .. lol. No offense to gaMing news gods
 

Reg

Banned
Oct 22, 2011
2,830
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"... And the whale swallowed CBOAT, and 3 days and 3 nights did He spend in its belly, learning trade secrets, before the whale spat Him out on the shore.

'CBOAT,' the people said, 'where have you been?'

And CBOAT told them of the whale, and of His meeting with the one true God of gaming news inside the whale's belly, yet the people believed Him not.

'Why should we believe you?' they said, 'an illiterate?'

And CBOAT said unto them,

'truthfact, is nott he crrctnsF words I spell th. is wordsmming, &gamezjurnlism', and truthfacts’"

-- GAF 9:20
That illiterate part is gold.
 

Arkos

Nose how to spell and rede to
Mar 31, 2013
12,753
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600
USA USA USA
Okay I did it, but now I'm confused.
Haha! In all seriousness CBOAT doesn't seem to seek any kind of glorification (beyond posting awesome news) so I wouldn't do it, it's up to you.

We glorify CBOAT in our hearts, not in out font color
 

double jump

you haven't lived until a random little kid ask you "how do you make love".
May 7, 2012
4,967
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I feel like this cboat love will lead to digging which will mess things up.
 

Earthstrike

Member
Dec 9, 2005
6,081
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CBOAT just makes predictions, or does he have insider info and likes to put gaf through a deciphering game?
 

Arkos

Nose how to spell and rede to
Mar 31, 2013
12,753
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600
USA USA USA
^^^ he has insider info and supposedly types that way to hide his identity (since we all speak in unique ways, kind of like a finger print). Or yeah, he has insider info and just enjoys typing nonsense on gaf

Ah I see, what do you say ctkayedisto?
Lol okay I'm down, but you have to go to the trouble of only redding the words he speaks. I see the reference and it is good, though.

I dunno it's jarring. Draws attention away from the story, which is the true vessel of CBOATS teachings. I'm gonna do a 180, which CBOAT might appreciate, and say ditch em

And now all that work was for nothing and I'm so sorry lol

(if I had made everything he said deep and insightful I'd say keep it but he makes some comments that don't seem to be worth such a highlight. Plus, part of the funny is that you're not sure when CBOAT is coming)
 

jayu26

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Feb 24, 2013
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Lol okay I'm down, but you have to go to the trouble of only redding the words he speaks. I see the reference and it is good, though.

I dunno it's jarring. Draws attention away from the story, which is the true vessel of CBOATS teachings. I'm gonna do a 180, which CBOAT might appreciate, and say ditch em

And now all that work was for nothing and I'm so sorry lol
I got Xboned.
 

TacticalFox88

Banned
Feb 13, 2009
22,567
2
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I'll take a stab at it.

"In the beginning, CBOAT predicted the Xbone and the 180, for Microsoft was without vision and void, and darkness was upon the face of gamers. And the Spirits of the BOAT sailed upon the dangerous waters...

CBOAT said 'le theier b a one eity' and there was a 180

And CBOAT saw the 180 and called it good: and divided the 180 from the One."

GAF 1:1

Probably not as good, but whateves. :x
 

jayu26

Member
Feb 24, 2013
6,359
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Brampton, ON
I'll take a stab at it.

"In the beginning, CBOAT predicted the Xbone and the 180, for Microsoft was without vision and void, and darkness was upon the face of gamers. And the Spirits of the BOAT sailed upon the dangerous waters...

CBOAT said 'le theier b a one eity' and there was a 180

And CBOAT saw the 180 and called it good: and divided the 180 from the One."

GAF 1:1

Probably not as good, but whateves. :x
We got a false prophet.

I'm just kidding. Save these for the real CBOAT thread, I will update this thread after that.
 
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