cuevas. PhD.
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Everything starts with small talk get over yourself.
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Guy-Guy Friendships - What Makes Them Hard to Form?
- Thread starter crisdecuba
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many places
Member
It's like everyone has already made friends by the time they turn 21 and if you weren't able to find any it's hard to make some. :/
I'm not lonely, I have a girlfriend and a few guy/girl friends but i only have acquaintances at university which feels pretty lonely at times I guess.
Spehornoob
Member
I've always found interests and things you're passionate about matter more than personality (to an extent). I'm a big, somewhat gruff looking guy who does theatre on the side for fun, and most of my social circle comes from that area. Most of my friends have a pretty different personality than me, but they're all great guys and I love 'em to death, and we can talk about all the nerdy theatre shit in the world.
That said, there are also some personality types I can't get along with at all.
That said, there are also some personality types I can't get along with at all.
ConsumerSquare
Member
This is it. There's a guy I considered a casual friend. We've gotten drunk several times, BS'd a lot, etc. we both live in the same shitty neighborhood.
Then during my anniversary party I got a call from the security company that my security alarm at home was going off. As I'm about to haul ass out of the parking lot, this dude comes flying out of the bar to flag me down so he could come. 50 people at the party including my family, and this was the only guy who had my back. That's true bro-love.
many places
Member
I feel like I come off as super awkward when i try to make small talk.
Maybe I give off a feminine vibe or something i dunno.
Vermillion
Banned
Mm. Much easier to obtain guy friends in my experience.
Spehornoob
Member
This right here is important. Loyalty and having your bud's back. I think that's the cornerstone of a "masculine" friendship. The guys you know would follow you to hell and back and you'd do the same for them.
You Are Viewtiful
Member
I have about five best guy friends and two best friends that are girls.
By close I mean they know a lot about me, I talk to them about anything, and I can tell them almost anything without feeling embarrassed.
Length of time known or length of time spent isn't all that important to me. I have really close friends that I've only known for about 6 months and really close friends that I only talk to twice a year. You just have to open up while going with the flow, that's how I do it. I'm 20 and in uni though, so this is the kind of age where everyone's searching for friends. I'm not sure about advice for older people...
By close I mean they know a lot about me, I talk to them about anything, and I can tell them almost anything without feeling embarrassed.
Length of time known or length of time spent isn't all that important to me. I have really close friends that I've only known for about 6 months and really close friends that I only talk to twice a year. You just have to open up while going with the flow, that's how I do it. I'm 20 and in uni though, so this is the kind of age where everyone's searching for friends. I'm not sure about advice for older people...
This.
Small talk is key. No need to bro out and ask the guy to play some Game Cube and drink some Natty Ice. Even if your interest don't directly align with his, at least you learned something new about that person.
Don't be too self-conscious. Easier said than done, I know.
many places
Member
Yeah, I just gotta be more outgoing I guess.
I find it easier to connect with girls because there is less pressure to bond over certain interests. I'm not interested in typical "guy stuff" like sports or cars, so it's harder to make a connection with most other guys. With girls I feel like I can talk about almost anything. Plus I'm kind of a flirt by nature so interactions with females are just more entertaining.
I've seen some shit. It's funny hanging out with girls sometimes, they talk so much shit, especially about each other, and they'd be insecure about the most trivial things nobody would care about. It's not like they're the most loyal and understanding people either, haha.
Friends come and go though. If you want a real friend, get a dog. They will always be there.
other than that, chill, don't be nervous, approach new people calmly. small talk until you unlock more conversations like a game. lol
Friends come and go though. If you want a real friend, get a dog. They will always be there.
other than that, chill, don't be nervous, approach new people calmly. small talk until you unlock more conversations like a game. lol
I find forming friendships hard in general. Started graduate school this week and I've been doing good with small talk but I don't really know how to push things beyond that, especially since everyone goes their separate ways after class ends. I guess part of the problem is that I haven't met a person that I genuinely would like to hang out with, either because we don't gel well or I don't know them well enough. I'm trying to get myself involved in events and clubs to get more sustained contact with the same people since that seems to work best for me.
Vermillion
Banned
I don't think I've ever made friends with someone in a class since I started college. Closest I got is that one dude you hit with a head nod when the professor's like "pair up" for whatever reason.
EDIT: My friends are from parties, roommates, random talking to people, etc.
I feel that once I hit 21, I noticed that guys try to compete with other guys at all times, especially when chicks are around. Its embarrassing.
I'm glad I made really close bonds during high school and the period between 18-20 years old cause it doesn't seem like a lot of guys want to make friends anymore, they're only competing.
However I do find that I can build relationships with males that my friends introduce.
I'm glad I made really close bonds during high school and the period between 18-20 years old cause it doesn't seem like a lot of guys want to make friends anymore, they're only competing.
However I do find that I can build relationships with males that my friends introduce.
Capital_Five
Member
For me the hard part is the small talk. I don't give a shit where you grew up and don't want to hear about your job: I wanna know if you're down to go get drunk at a dive or see a movie or play Battlefield. I don't need the part where you tell me about your home state or your family.
Most single guys prefer hanging out with the gender they're attracted to in order to possibly score with them, hence the friendzone, and some taken guys like to spend time with their significant others.
Personally I think friends with males are fairly easy if you have common interests, if not, it'll be hard but you can still make it happen, I think I get along better with females though because I have a feminine personality and I'm more of a "hey gurl hey" kinda person instead of a "what's up dude bro man", kind of person. I also love talking with my girlfriends about the guys were into, it's so much fun! With guys I feel really hesitant to mention I'm gay out of fear of them being homophobes.
Personally I think friends with males are fairly easy if you have common interests, if not, it'll be hard but you can still make it happen, I think I get along better with females though because I have a feminine personality and I'm more of a "hey gurl hey" kinda person instead of a "what's up dude bro man", kind of person. I also love talking with my girlfriends about the guys were into, it's so much fun! With guys I feel really hesitant to mention I'm gay out of fear of them being homophobes.
LOL
nah see, why would I want to chill with you if you don't really give a shit? The best thing about good male friends is that you know they give a shit but they dont say anything about it, they put your mind off it.
This is exactly how I feel. I've just never been good at connecting with other guys. Maybe growing up with two younger sisters and no brothers had something to do with it, I don't know.
Capital_Five
Member
I don't know, I don't really get it. I don't need my friends to care about my troubles, I just want then to be fun and interesting. I'm not looking for some deep emotional bond or to play therapist to each other, I just want to hang out and share experiences.
See, that's exactly what I look for in my relationships with other men. I don't have a lot of time and energy for lightweight friendships so I focus on the ones who really matter, the guys I know who are willing to go through hell with me. I'm 33 now and can think of at least five who would do so. A lot of my buddies have families so I get involved in their children's lives too, which is awesome.
(I'm also gay, which can affect the dynamic. Guys feel more comfortable with me when they're aware they don't have to put on a masculine air.)
I think all serious strong friendships just get harder to form as you get older, be they any combination of the sexes. I imagine most people's really strong friendships formed with people while they were in school. After that it's just too hard to spend the serious amount of time with someone that's required to build up to a level of comfort where you can talk openly about yourself.
If I'm working 50 hours a week, have a gf/wife, and pursue any solo hobbies, it mostly just leaves the occasional weekend night or after work beer to bond with a dude, which makes sense that relationships stay mostly superficial. No one wants to grab a beer on a thursday night with the dude who's going on and on about how he can't find love or that his parents treated him poorly when he was young, etc etc. They just wanna grab a beer and relax for a bit before having to go to work again the next day.
In school you'll have roommates, and kids that live in your dorm, and otherwise still lots of opportunities to really spend a lot of time with someone to build up that sort of serious friendship.
If I'm working 50 hours a week, have a gf/wife, and pursue any solo hobbies, it mostly just leaves the occasional weekend night or after work beer to bond with a dude, which makes sense that relationships stay mostly superficial. No one wants to grab a beer on a thursday night with the dude who's going on and on about how he can't find love or that his parents treated him poorly when he was young, etc etc. They just wanna grab a beer and relax for a bit before having to go to work again the next day.
In school you'll have roommates, and kids that live in your dorm, and otherwise still lots of opportunities to really spend a lot of time with someone to build up that sort of serious friendship.
King Mystery
Member
Sometimes, late at night when I can't sleep, I go on Craigslist and look at the 'Strictly Platonic' m4m section, but something tells me some of those guys have ulterior motives. This one guy posted an ad looking for a "gaming buddy", but he immediately starts of by posting his picture, his height, and weight. Then goes on to ask you for a picture and stats. He says he plays mostly consoles, but wants to learn to play FPS games.
But still. If all he's looking for is a gaming buddy, why does he want my picture and my height/weight?
But still. If all he's looking for is a gaming buddy, why does he want my picture and my height/weight?
Rookje
Member
Basically you don't care about the other person, you just want to use them to make yourself not feel like an alone loser.
Wonder why you don't have scores of friends.
Any girl I've dated or known who doesn't have any friends other than me were all batshit crazy (also the ones who all their friends are guys cause girls are "drama"... lol ok). I can only imagine the same being true about guys. I feel exhausted being "your everything." I know most guys love it when girls are just 100% devoted to them, though.
speculawyer
Member
This thread is the definition of overthinking it. Just say hey to people and do a little small talk. If you connect with you people, you connect. If you don't, move on.
Seriously, be friends (male or female) with whomever you connect with.
Seriously, be friends (male or female) with whomever you connect with.
Actually, I found that period in the mid 20's to be a great time to meet people... while I still had all my friends from HS (well.. most of my friends), I then met a few new people at my last job, who introduced me to all their friends.
It's when people are in their late 20's, early 30's... married and having kids, THAT'S when they're less interested in new friendships.
And seriously... you guys are having that much trouble finding other guys into games?
Hell I've run into people who even know about the games I play...Which sucks for me since I lost touch with my closest friends after high school. Been at college 4 years now and have barely made friends with anyone, only the occasional semester-long acquaintance. I joined a club this semester though and hung out with some guys last yesterday though, I just wish that would happen more frequently. I'm tired of being a hermit with no friends. : (
flamingotripod
Member
This.
This is what I said to a dude today meeting him for the first time, "whats up?" "do you watch breaking bad?" Then the convo just flowed.
friskykillface
Banned
PhoenixDark
Banned
We know.
PS3GamerKyle
Member
Johnlenham
Member
I find it waaaay easier to make friends with girls than guys, my closest friend is female and another friend who I'm pretty close to but I do have guy friends that Ive known since high school that I still see, just not as frequently.
It just gets hard to maintain when your interests start to divert or you priorities some friends over others as your interests match up more.
Saying all this, a couple of years ago I joined a niche genre music forum and after about 4 months I decided to go along to one of their meet ups for a club night.
Everyone was so down to earth an decent it was great! and fast forward a couple years later and all my "home" friends have met all the "internet" friends, Ive been to switzerland to party with a couple of them, another in Croatia and been to all kinds of events with them because they are such a sound lot.
I should add this was at the tail end of 2011 and I was 24.
Just recently one of the guys has brought in a friend from home into the fold and hes been invited to everything, crashed at my mates flat atleast 3 times and all sorts liek hes been part of the group for years.
It just gets hard to maintain when your interests start to divert or you priorities some friends over others as your interests match up more.
Saying all this, a couple of years ago I joined a niche genre music forum and after about 4 months I decided to go along to one of their meet ups for a club night.
Everyone was so down to earth an decent it was great! and fast forward a couple years later and all my "home" friends have met all the "internet" friends, Ive been to switzerland to party with a couple of them, another in Croatia and been to all kinds of events with them because they are such a sound lot.
I should add this was at the tail end of 2011 and I was 24.
Just recently one of the guys has brought in a friend from home into the fold and hes been invited to everything, crashed at my mates flat atleast 3 times and all sorts liek hes been part of the group for years.
Hmm yeah thats a good way to put it, I dont have any intrest in sports/cars "manly" stuff so I freeze up and have no clue what to talk about.
Out of Working Order
Member
Sucks, doesn't it? Wonder where we went so wrong?
Growing up, I left all my places of education alone. But I've never been an outgoing person.
That's strange. I tend to get along with guys just fine, although I'm extremely shy and socially awkward. Of course, sooner or later most of them get tired of me and we stop talking, but that's a different story.
I still have my group of close friends from high school, and every now and then hang out with a couple of other guys.
That said, I barely had any female friends in my life. And right now I have none, except for the girlfriends of some of my male friends (but I don't even know if we qualify as "friends" or just acquaintances).
I still have my group of close friends from high school, and every now and then hang out with a couple of other guys.
That said, I barely had any female friends in my life. And right now I have none, except for the girlfriends of some of my male friends (but I don't even know if we qualify as "friends" or just acquaintances).
entremet
Member
Actually, I found that period in the mid 20's to be a great time to meet people... while I still had all my friends from HS (well.. most of my friends), I then met a few new people at my last job, who introduced me to all their friends.
It's when people are in their late 20's, early 30's... married and having kids, THAT'S when they're less interested in new friendships.
And seriously... you guys are having that much trouble finding other guys into games?
Yeah. I'm in my early 30s.
Most of my older friends have families and I basically only see them once a quarter lol.
I had no problem making male friends in my early 20s.
I have only one "true" friend (mutual care, respect, etc.) and he's been my friend for about 10-12 years. The only thing is that he lives almost 10.000 km away.
And yes, I believe it is hard to establish real, deep friendships starting in your 20s. Everyone already has their closed groups made by people you don't know and who are uninterested in knowing you.
And yes, I believe it is hard to establish real, deep friendships starting in your 20s. Everyone already has their closed groups made by people you don't know and who are uninterested in knowing you.
Fonz72
Member
I've found that as life flows and changes, so do my friends. As I get older my tastes change as do my habits, so in turn my friends tend to change as well. I have gotten closer to some and become more distant with others. I'm not close to anyone from my highschool days anymore.
I have a core group of "phone friends" These are 4-5 dudes, who I can call or call me just to shoot the shit. That is what I define as a "close" friend now. (I'm 33) No reason to call, just interested in what they are doing. Distance keeps us from grabbing a beer or whatever.
All of these friendships were formed in the Military in my early to mid 20's, so we have a bond that tends to be stronger than your run of the mill acquaintance due to shared tough times and what not.
Other than that I guess you could expand the circle out about to 6-7 more friends (male and female) who I don't talk to even weekly, but when we get together we still mesh well.
I have a core group of "phone friends" These are 4-5 dudes, who I can call or call me just to shoot the shit. That is what I define as a "close" friend now. (I'm 33) No reason to call, just interested in what they are doing. Distance keeps us from grabbing a beer or whatever.
All of these friendships were formed in the Military in my early to mid 20's, so we have a bond that tends to be stronger than your run of the mill acquaintance due to shared tough times and what not.
Other than that I guess you could expand the circle out about to 6-7 more friends (male and female) who I don't talk to even weekly, but when we get together we still mesh well.
Everyone I know that makes a bunch of random friends in their mid to late 20s do it by joining some community derby, rugby, tennis, gaming pub, trivia, language club, ballroom dancing, etc. I haven't really found a community i'm down to roll with so i'm still forever alone. I go to a lot of concerts but that never leads to anything.
Carnby
Member
So basically you responded with advice that is the exact opposite of what OP was asking for.
Back at home there is still a group of friends with whom I still maintain regular contact and have known for 10-15 years now. Some of us scattered all over germany when we startet to study - but we all want to keep up our friendship, so we have several events over the whole year where we catch up: we invite us to each others weddings, birthdays, go on festivals sometimes go on holidays and celebrate new years etc. From this group of 12, I consider four my closest friends and I was even best man for one.
We met over school and had/have similar interests. I doubt that we would fit together as good if we met right now or even become friends at all, because we are pretty diverse and developed in different directions. Doesn't matter though, because we are still friends and at this point I doubt that will change in the foreseeable time.
I live in another town now however. I studied there and stayed for a job. I was in my early twenties when I started here and there gathered another group of friends pretty fast. Forming a study football club together helped immensly though. After study - some have moved on and left town, others stayed and I consider them close friends, even if they are pretty different from those at home. Interestingly enough, all people I am friends with like to play videogames, are a bit geeky even if they don't appear that way at first. Most like sports as well, so there's always things to talk about, even if there is not much else going on.
Right now I feel that it's hard to keep friendship steady and going with everybody, because two circles of close friends + family is almost too much. I don't have any interest in meeting new friends except girls, but some girlfriends in the past had problems with the fact that I still have contact with people at home and therefore a pretty full calender.
We met over school and had/have similar interests. I doubt that we would fit together as good if we met right now or even become friends at all, because we are pretty diverse and developed in different directions. Doesn't matter though, because we are still friends and at this point I doubt that will change in the foreseeable time.
I live in another town now however. I studied there and stayed for a job. I was in my early twenties when I started here and there gathered another group of friends pretty fast. Forming a study football club together helped immensly though. After study - some have moved on and left town, others stayed and I consider them close friends, even if they are pretty different from those at home. Interestingly enough, all people I am friends with like to play videogames, are a bit geeky even if they don't appear that way at first. Most like sports as well, so there's always things to talk about, even if there is not much else going on.
Right now I feel that it's hard to keep friendship steady and going with everybody, because two circles of close friends + family is almost too much. I don't have any interest in meeting new friends except girls, but some girlfriends in the past had problems with the fact that I still have contact with people at home and therefore a pretty full calender.
Weird, I think guy-guy friendships are probably the easiest relationship to form and maintain.
In my experience these are the kind of stuff that puts a strain on relationships:
- Sexual attraction
- Family ties and stuff going back to childhood
- Money
In most guy-guy relationships these are non-issues, so as long as there are common interests or just a compatible personality there shouldn't be a problem.
In my experience these are the kind of stuff that puts a strain on relationships:
- Sexual attraction
- Family ties and stuff going back to childhood
- Money
In most guy-guy relationships these are non-issues, so as long as there are common interests or just a compatible personality there shouldn't be a problem.
This is an important point for anybody. I was surprised recently when I got into an IM conversation with a friend at my company. Somehow the conversation led to me telling a story about how years ago, a close friend of mine received a call from another friend who needed help changing a tire, and although he was on a date with his girlfriend, he took time out to go and help.
This guy at work kept trying to rationalize it, saying "well, he was just trying to impress the girl," or "well, maybe he was doing it for the benefit of feeling good about himself."
I just said "No, dude...he did it because it was for a good friend who needed help."
Really, this guy seemed to not realize that your closest friends should be the people that will go out of their way to help, and vice versa, just because. If your only friends are people who will help you out because there's "something in it for them," then you need to reevaluate your list. I have a few good friends like that....and a few people in my life of the "what's in it for me" variety. I try not to hang out with them too much.
Anyway, rambling. I guess as far as just meeting people to hang out, just be a bit more outgoing. Broaden your horizons, and try to know a little bit about a lot of things; at least it's easier to carry on a conversation that way.
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