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[womfalcs3]

Not in the sense that they want to be away from you. They may have chosen to live abroad for work or school.

My wife has been away for 10 years, 7 years since our marriage, getting her PhD. She failed out of her first school, and now she is 4 years into her second program. We have 2 children... one was born just two months ago. Although she has stayed with me intermittently, most of her time has been spent abroad. It is getting frustrating. I had to vent. We argue all the time about it. She says I don't support her in her pursuit of a PhD.

Damn it, I want to see my children grow.

 

[womfalcs3]

Just one more thing. My source of frustration comes from the fact she was supposed to finish her thesis last summer. Then it was October, then it was by Christmas, then it was by February, and now it's by Ramadan.

 

[Phoenix RISING]

Sounds like her Ph.D. is more important than her marriage.

I left my program. It's hard raising a family on a graduate student's wages as a teaching assistant.

 

[rykomatsu]

Not abroad, but distant enough that maybe seeing each other 2x/year was the best case scenario. At some point in time either compromises or sacrifices need to be made. You're in a tough spot with kids.

If she's getting a PhD for the sake of getting a PhD, then that's quite different than getting a PhD for the purpose of a career. If the PhD leads towards a better life for your family, then wait it out. But if it's for the sake of getting a PhD to prove a point, best be to move on. Being an adult isn't always about being successful. It's also about knowing when to make the right decisions and being able to cut losses to quickly start investing time and effort in a different manner into a better future.

Take that how you will in regards to your relationship. This also goes to you too imho, think really hard and deep about what YOU really want too. A decade is a lot of time to have fond memories and nostalgia that clouds decision making, but your wants and needs and goals may have also changed over time and this needs to be assessed in that context.

 

[KevinKeene]

A 10 years long-distance marriage ...

I'll keep other comments to myself and will just say: sucks that children are involved.

 

[Mohonky]

I dont really follow.

Why didnt you go with initially?
How long is she usually away for?
Why does she always have the kids?

 

[nush]

That doesn't sound like a marriage. Just two people that like the comfort of saying they are married.

 

[Livia]

My wife tried several time to work abroad, but it didnt work. We missed each other too much

 

[Razorback]

From the thread title, I wasn't expecting the loved one to be your wife. And your kids are with her? Why don't you just move to where she is?

 

[lil puff]

Well I met an Australian girl staying in my city, renting a room for the summer and we got very close. She eventually moved back, we started writing letters back and forth (before email).

We both had some personal issues going on at the time, and it made us very close, like 'marry me and move over here' sort of close. Financially/familywise neither of us could do that, but she visited me once in awhile when she was in the states.

Things slowed down over time due to outside factors, but then she actually ended up getting a job in ATL. I ended up flying down there for a week. Things were different, we were like friends. I left feeling like that was over.

She actually came up to see me a year or so later, lived with me for a couple weeks - At that point all that long distance wore us out I think.

I could probably do a LDR with someone within a few states, but I will never do a pen pal relationship anymore.

 

[prophetvx]

I've moved countries 4 times with my wife, she's Canadian and I'm Australian. Being separated isn't an option. I couldn't imagine living apart for that long, especially with kids. Someone would have to make the sacrifice.

Why can't you move to be with her and your kids?

 

[Susurrus]

Are you not able to move there?

 

[NickFire]

The veracity of OP's story is suspect to me. If they are true, the OP needs a paternity test IMO.

Edit: If what I wrote sounds harsh, please understand this reeks of the kind of post designed to make light of the reactions elsewhere.

 

[aerts1js]

I mean you two say you're married but are you *really* married ? It's hard to do but should've cut the cord 7 years ago or so.

 

[bitbydeath]

I second the paternity test if true and third the why can’t you move to her question.

 

[God Enel]

How often do you see her ?

 

[Blackie]

Your marital situation sounds incredible to me, I wouldn't be able to handle it. Dating long distance broke me before, and that was within the same US State.

Have had family members live abroad. My brother lived in Thailand for a year to teach/get away from America which he has extreme political views about. We didn't talk much at the time so it was easy for me to tolerate his absence.

 

[lil puff]

It is crazy when I think of how different it is today to have long distance relationships than it was years ago when you had to write letters, put 10 stamps on and wait weeks for a response LOL.

I am thinking Skype etc. makes it a lot easier to communicate rather than "here's my life story for the month, what's yours?"

 

[womfalcs3]

I dont really follow.

Why didnt you go with initially?
How long is she usually away for?
Why does she always have the kids?

From the thread title, I wasn't expecting the loved one to be your wife. And your kids are with her? Why don't you just move to where she is?

Are you not able to move there?

How often do you see her ?

Because I am living in our country of citizenship, and I have work. I can't quit my job and live there on a visa.

Usually, 2-3 months tops, but this time, it may be longer.

Because they were both very young. She would nurse them. The older child goes to school there, as well.

 

[grumpyGamer]

A 10 years long-distance marriage ...

I'll keep other comments to myself and will just say: sucks that children are involved.

Same here dude, 100% with ya

 

[matt360]

OP, your situation sounds pretty shitty. It seems like you and your wife have different ideas about what your marriage should be. 10 years long distance and not being able to see my kids is not something I'd be able to handle. Obviously I don't know the whole story or your personalities, but your wife is away from you and has your kids, and still she's complaining that you're not being supportive of her? Is she not thinking of your situation at all or how you must be suffering? Have you given her a reason not to care?

To answer your first question, yes, actually I'm the person who moved away. I'm from the US, but I've lived in Japan for 12 years and I'm going to retire here. I miss my family and friends back in the states terribly, but I have a better life here so I have no plans on moving back. But here in Japan there is a thing called "tanshin-fuunin" where, generally, a husband will live and work in Tokyo while the wife and kids remain somewhere else in Japan. The husband will rent the cheapest, saddest shoebox apartment he can find and send almost all of his money home to his family. My wife's parents did this, and it's a pretty common thing. But in every single instance I've ever seen where couples do this, the wife ALWAYS resents the husband for leaving, even though he "had to." The thing is, he did not "have to." That was a choice. Some people value financial security or personal achievements over time spent together, and while I personally do not, I can't really fault people who do. But OP if I were in your shoes, there's no way I could be a big enough person to go through what you're going through and not end up resenting my wife over it.

 

[womfalcs3]

OP, your situation sounds pretty shitty. It seems like you and your wife have different ideas about what your marriage should be. 10 years long distance and not being able to see my kids is not something I'd be able to handle. Obviously I don't know the whole story or your personalities, but your wife is away from you and has your kids, and still she's complaining that you're not being supportive of her? Is she not thinking of your situation at all or how you must be suffering? Have you given her a reason not to care?

To answer your first question, yes, actually I'm the person who moved away. I'm from the US, but I've lived in Japan for 12 years and I'm going to retire here. I miss my family and friends back in the states terribly, but I have a better life here so I have no plans on moving back. But here in Japan there is a thing called "tanshin-fuunin" where, generally, a husband will live and work in Tokyo while the wife and kids remain somewhere else in Japan. The husband will rent the cheapest, saddest shoebox apartment he can find and send almost all of his money home to his family. My wife's parents did this, and it's a pretty common thing. But in every single instance I've ever seen where couples do this, the wife ALWAYS resents the husband for leaving, even though he "had to." The thing is, he did not "have to." That was a choice. Some people value financial security or personal achievements over time spent together, and while I personally do not, I can't really fault people who do. But OP if I were in your shoes, there's no way I could be a big enough person to go through what you're going through and not end up resenting my wife over it.

That's the thing (in bold). We only have a limited time on earth. When we get old and feeble it's not the PhD or some work achievement that is going to matter.

 

[matt360]

That's the thing (in bold). We only have a limited time on earth. When we get old and feeble it's not the PhD or some work achievement that is going to matter.

I'm definitely of a similar mind. I think most people probably are. But I know there are those ultra-driven people who can't stop and can't function unless they're climbing some kind of ladder. But like you say, how will they feel in 10 years when their PhD isn't special anymore and they realized they've missed their kid's entire childhood? One of my best friends is like this and is just now starting to voice his regrets.

 

[ndreamer]

My partner is Thai, we have been together 2 years now. Jumping between Australia and Thailand every 2-3months.
We are together 24/7 and go everywhere together. It's going to be this way for awhile yet with the stupidly expansive Australian Visa (8k).

 

[MC Safety]

I assume the schooling and residency in another country is on your dime. And you've been more than tolerant and patient as she works for her degree.

Don't allow her to tell you you're not being supportive.