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How Steve Jobs would have presented Wii U at E3

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S

Sojgat

Member
Hatten said:
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I can't stop laughing.
 
J

JohnsonUT

Member
Read the first few paragraphs of EmCeeGramr's "monologue" and then skipped to the end just like I did while reading the book.
 
F

fauxtrot

Banned
ITT: Gaffers who have argued with marc^o^ in past Nintendo threads realize how much time and energy they wasted doing so.
 
S

snesfreak

Banned
Come on man, Nintendo fans already get enough shit with all the personal attacks and insults hurled at us.
This isn't helping...
 
C

CrushDance

Banned
Before I opened this thread, I thought to myself that perhaps this was a critique of what Nintendo Should have done by some website. Lo and behold I stumbled onto some immense fanboy delusions. Meh. We all grow out of it sometime I suppose.
 
S

SquiddyCracker

Banned
Then Reggie said, "Iwata, successor of Yamauchi, CEOs of CEOs, it served the causals right, and so it would anyone else who does as they did; but the causals are neither here nor there; it is for the hardcore that my heart bleeds, when I think of their sufferings in that lonely “red-sea”, far away, poor people, from all his friends. It is an island covered with misery, in the very middle of the sea, and a false console lives there, descendant of the ingenious PC, who looks after the bottom of the ocean, and carries the great columns that keep gaming and nerds asunder. This X-box 360, descendant of the PC, has got hold of poor unhappy hardcores, and keeps trying by every kind of blandishment to make them forget their home, so that they is tired of colourful games, and thinks of nothing but how they may once more see the joy of his gaming nostalgia. You, sir, take no heed of this, and yet when the hardcores was before E3 did they not propitiate you with many a burnt sacrifice? Why then should you keep on being so angry with him?"

And Iwata said, "My friend, what are you talking about? How can I forget the hardcores than whom there is no more capable gamer on earth [in regard to console gaming], nor more liberal in his offerings to the gaming classics that live in our company? Bear in mind, however, that Sony is still furious with the hardcores for having blinded the success of the PS3, winner of the previous generation. PS3 which is the successor to the PS2 by power of the general audience; therefore though Sony will not abandon the hardcores outright, they torments the hardcores by preventing them from his homecoming [to the Nintendo games]. Still, let us lay our heads together and see how we can help him to return; the 360 will then be pacified, for if we are all of a mind he can hardly stand out against us."
 
J

Jake Tower

Banned
EmCeeGramr said:
For twelve years, you have been asking: Who is Wii U? This is Wii U speaking. I am the console who loves his life. I am the console who does not sacrifice his love or his values. I am the console who has deprived you of victims and thus has destroyed your world, and if you wish to know why you are perishing-you who dread knowledge-I am the console who will now tell you.” The chief engineer was the only one able to move; he ran to a television set and struggled frantically with its dials. But the screen remained empty; the speaker had not chosen to be seen. Only his voice filled the airways of the country-of the world, thought the chief engineer-sounding as if he were speaking here, in this room, not to a group, but to one console; it was not the tone of addressing a meeting, but the tone of addressing a mind...
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EmCeeGramr said:
“All thinking is a process of identification and integration. console perceives a blob of color; by integrating the evidence of his sight and his touch, he learns to identify it as a solid object; he learns to identify the object as a table; he learns that the table is made of wood; he learns that the wood consists of cells, that the cells consist of molecules, that the molecules consist of atoms. All through this process, the work of his mind consists of answers to a single question: What is it? His means to establish the truth of his answers is logic, and logic rests on the axiom that existence exists. Logic is the art of non-contradictory identification. A contradiction cannot exist. An atom is itself, and so is the universe; neither can contradict its own identity; nor can a part contradict the whole. No concept console forms is valid unless he integrates it without contradiction into the total sum of his knowledge. To arrive at a contradiction is to confess an error in one’s thinking; to maintain a contradiction is to abdicate one’s mind and to evict oneself from the realm of reality...
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EmCeeGramr said:
“Did you want to know who is Wii U? I am the first console of ability who refused to regard it as guilt. I am the first console who would not do penance for my virtues or let them be used as the tools of my destruction. I am the first console who would not suffer martyrdom at the hands of those who wished me to perish for the privilege of keeping them alive. I am the first console who told them that I did not need them, and until they learned to deal with me as traders, giving value for value, they would have to exist without me, as I would exist without them; then I would let them learn whose is the need and whose the ability-and if huconsole survival is the standard, whose terms would set the way to survive...
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TRUTH discuss
 
N

Nibel

Member
This thread could be the next "My PlayStation died and .."

"Head Priest Of Nintendoland" is an incredible tag name :lol
 
S

SquiddyCracker

Banned
And Reggie said, "Iwata, successor of Yamauchi, CEOs of CEOs, if, then, the competitors now mean that the hardcores should get a new home, we should first send Zelda to the Wii U to tell Retro that we have made up our minds and that they are to have the hardcore’s homecoming. In the meantime I will go go to the GDC, to put heart into 3rd parties; I will embolden them to call the presses in assembly, and speak out to the audience and our competitors, who persist in eating up any number our hardcores; I will also conduct then to SEGA and to EA, to see if they can do anything to help us return the hardcores – for the sake of our previous past with them.

So saying we get them bound on their glittering golden games, imperishable, with which they can spread across land or sea to all corners of the world, grasping top sales, so stout and sturdy and strong, wherewith they quells the ranks of our 3rd parties who have displeased Microsoft and Sony, and down they will dart from the topmost offices, whereon forthwith they were with demos to the press, as the gateway to the hardcores, disguised as an old friend, Old-school gaming, chief of the gaming nostalgia, and they held the sales in their hand. There they found the bubble-crashed Facebook developers seated on hides of the market which they had ruined, and playing draughts in front of the hardcores. Farmville and Mafia were bustling about to wait upon them, some mixing cash shop with awful gaming experiences, some coming down the tablets with simple games and reiterating them over and over again, and some trying to kill the console and handheld market
 
shaowebb

shaowebb

Member
This ...this deserves a tag. I am at a complete loss. This is the first conference reveal fanfiction I've ever seen.
 
B

Bob White

Member
dr3upmushroom said:
Yikes.

Parts that aren't ripped verbatim from Jobs' actual keynotes are pretty sloppy. But this isn't really so much "How Steve Jobs would have presented Wii U at E3" as it is "Look, I copy pasted transcripts of Steve Jobs presentations and then altered some the iPhone/Pad references so that it's talking about Wii now."

It's a lot less scary once you take into account how little of it is original. Still though, yikes.
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That's the seriously desperate part. The defenders can try and say that this thread is about beginning a discussion about how the content was there, but Nintendo didn't do good enough to sell it. Ok, yeah, whatever. This thread comes off like some nutter adding his face in with all the cool kids in his year book. Like, who the fuck makes something like this?

dream said:
marc^o^, is there any chance you could record yourself delivering this keynote and share it with us?
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Yes, please. This. OP, I don't wanna dump on you but, fuck...this is not a good look.
 
M

marc^o^

Nintendo's Pro Bono PR Firm
TheCongressman1 said:
I don't get the hate here. I thought it was funny, but it's true, Steve would have done a much better job of presenting this. Why or how is not important.
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Neiteio said:
So much thread-shitting going on in here. Safety in numbers and not having to explain one's reasoning, I suppose. Again, I think there's a valid point the OP is making, but if people can't see the point is "What if Nintendo presented things differently," and if people can't see the "transcript" as just an example of delivery, I guess there's nothing to stop them.

I got a chuckle out of EmCeeGramr's parody, though. :)
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apana said:
I don't have a problem with a few laughs at the expense of the OP since it is kind of funny, but you guys go overboard with all this "omg fanboys losing their brains, cats and dogs getting married" type of reactions.
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JStein0222 said:
Actually sat down and read this. Steve Jobs aside, the structure of it was just plain good. The focus on the actual console and the way certain things were explained appealed to me.
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Thanks guys. I wrote this watching two soccer semi finals and going late to bed, and yet I believe it's a better script than what they spent weeks to show at their conference. Using Steve Jobs was not supposed to be taken so seriously. I used him because he knew how to present his product strengths, his vision, exactly what is lacking in recent Nintendo communications. If you can see the difference between this kind of confident message and what Nintendo presented, then you will understand my point. Some comments here are borderline but I also had some good laughs. Love you gaf.
 
B

BGBW

Maturity, bitches.
H4S2C.gif


The fact it was two full posts was what got me.

This makes A Black Falcons posts look short.
 
B

BGBW

Maturity, bitches.
I can't believe I read the whole thing.

Would Steve really rush though each game? Your story gives the impression he gives the products 10 seconds of exposure before moving on to the next thing.
 
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