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I want to die but can't do it

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Please stay safe, relax, and don't do anything stupid, OP. Calling the hotline and talking to someone will definitely help you out.
 
Oh man. Thanks for being so kind. No one ever helps. I'm not tough like every other guy. I'm small, and I've always been tough but right now I feel so weak. Everyone hates me, and my faculties are failing, my strict disciplines are failing and attacking me. There's too much to ever to say to someone new, but I keep blurting pain out.I look pathetic.I hate myself for the same reason I hate my mother.
I never was loved by anyone for who I am. I need someone to love me. I'm so pathetic I want someone to hold me.
It's so hard to wait. I'm in noho, that's all, every face here reviles me.
Wanted to attend school in boston in the fall, accepted, but can't find the energ to find a place and job.
All the same, I really can't see suffering alone for two years more. I'm becoming uglier, my vanity can no longer be a shield, soon no one will want me.
My mind today tried to shut off, I felt a sadness that felt like it would kindly overcome my thoughts.
I've absolutely always been alone, and no matter what, anyone and everything I've ever known always goes, it's just a matter of time before show how awful and ugly I am, just like mommy says, no one will want me, and here I am. Just a walking abortion.
 
cryptic said:
Oh man. Thanks for being so kind. No one ever helps. I'm not tough like every other guy. I'm small, and I've always been tough but right now I feel so weak. Everyone hates me, and my faculties are failing, my strict disciplines are failing and attacking me. There's too much to ever to say to someone new, but I keep blurting pain out.I look pathetic.I hate myself for the same reason I hate my mother.
I never was loved by anyone for who I am. I need someone to love me. I'm so pathetic I want someone to hold me.
It's so hard to wait. I'm in noho, that's all, every face here reviles me.
Wanted to attend school in boston in the fall, accepted, but can't find the energ to find a place and job.
All the same, I really can't see suffering alone for two years more. I'm becoming uglier, my vanity can no longer be a shield, soon no one will want me.
My mind today tried to shut off, I felt a sadness that felt like it would kindly overcome my thoughts.
Click to expand...
You got accepted? I think that's great. Perhaps you will be able to go, perhaps not, but I'm glad you decided to be able to find the answer to that for yourself.

Let go of your hate, your hate of yourself; we value you, we worried about you, you matter, and one way or the other, you will move through in your life.

I know you are sad about your problems, but we need to take things one step at a time. Are you in a safe place right now? Is there anyone nearby?
 
Should probably take those classes, but maybe at a state school outside the Boston area. You're just going to drive yourself miserable attempting to maintain in the Hub from what it sounds like.

Get counseling. Still plenty of time before the semester.
 
We're your brothers, we will always support you and we will always love you.

You are part of a big community called GAF, you don't need anything else. Just being member is reason enough to take care of you.

Come on bro, show some love to us, show some love to you. You can always move on, if something's not working, then change it.

Move on!
 
cryptic said:
Oh man. Thanks for being so kind. No one ever helps. I'm not tough like every other guy. I'm small, and I've always been tough but right now I feel so weak. Everyone hates me, and my faculties are failing, my strict disciplines are failing and attacking me. There's too much to ever to say to someone new, but I keep blurting pain out.I look pathetic.I hate myself for the same reason I hate my mother.
I never was loved by anyone for who I am. I need someone to love me. I'm so pathetic I want someone to hold me.
It's so hard to wait. I'm in noho, that's all, every face here reviles me.
Wanted to attend school in boston in the fall, accepted, but can't find the energ to find a place and job.
All the same, I really can't see suffering alone for two years more. I'm becoming uglier, my vanity can no longer be a shield, soon no one will want me.
My mind today tried to shut off, I felt a sadness that felt like it would kindly overcome my thoughts.
I've absolutely always been alone, and no matter what, anyone and everything I've ever known always goes, it's just a matter of time before show how awful and ugly I am, just like mommy says, no one will want me, and here I am. Just a walking abortion.
Click to expand...

You're not pathetic and you're not ugly.
You have value in this world and you have talent. You are in a rough spot, I know how that feels, all of us knows how it feels.
But you're strong, you are strong on the inside. You have taken the courage to come out and speak. That takes strength.
There is a lot of us here who want you, and love you. Don't focus on the negativity. There can be so much positivity around you, just listen to it.
Taking everything head on is a hard task, you have to start by taking one step at a time. People here love you. I love you, so don't say no one loves you or that no one will want you, because there IS somebody who wants you and loves you.
 
cryptic said:
I've absolutely always been alone, and no matter what, anyone and everything I've ever known always goes, it's just a matter of time before show how awful and ugly I am, just like mommy says, no one will want me, and here I am. Just a walking abortion.
Click to expand...

Your mother is wrong, her words have no weight. Don't put false weight on those words, or on your heart. You are worth more than she can realize, it is pitiable. There are people out there who care, people right here who care, and as long as you realize and believe that, as long as you truly believe that, you will never truly be alone.
 
Sorry, must sleep, the plan is to suffer agonies and smile to give no suspicion of my tears. I'll be strong and never weak, until all is too much, and no one can ever again ask of me and hurt me without the slightest consideration. It's just the way life is. I hope I can do it soon to not bother you again.

I'll always try my best, but I'm falling apart. Thanks so much. School and so many hours of work is a joke.
I can't say thanks enough, i'm always guilty. good night.
 
cryptic said:
Oh man. Thanks for being so kind. No one ever helps. I'm not tough like every other guy. I'm small, and I've always been tough but right now I feel so weak. Everyone hates me, and my faculties are failing, my strict disciplines are failing and attacking me. There's too much to ever to say to someone new, but I keep blurting pain out.I look pathetic.I hate myself for the same reason I hate my mother.
I never was loved by anyone for who I am. I need someone to love me. I'm so pathetic I want someone to hold me.
It's so hard to wait. I'm in noho, that's all, every face here reviles me.
Wanted to attend school in boston in the fall, accepted, but can't find the energ to find a place and job.
All the same, I really can't see suffering alone for two years more. I'm becoming uglier, my vanity can no longer be a shield, soon no one will want me.
My mind today tried to shut off, I felt a sadness that felt like it would kindly overcome my thoughts.
I've absolutely always been alone, and no matter what, anyone and everything I've ever known always goes, it's just a matter of time before show how awful and ugly I am, just like mommy says, no one will want me, and here I am. Just a walking abortion.
Click to expand...

hey man, you got accepted into school, that's an amazing accomplishment by itself. don't waste that success by not following through on it to the best of your abilities. it's clear you need some help, someone to guide you out of this dark time in your life. lots of colleges of many sizes offer on campus mental health facilities/clinics. maybe look into using those before you start in the Fall if possible. as someone who once sought mental counseling with a skeptical mind and came out on the other side a much improved, happier person, i can't recommend it enough. you can do this. you're strong enough.
 
Cryptic, please stay strong. You aren't a bother on anyone, hang in there man! Cry if you want to, shout if you need to, there's no weakness in that, just don't think you're a bother. Don't go, don't do anything that hurts you, please. As someone who's been suicidal as well, take deep breaths and let your emotions out; what is necessary is NEVER unwise.

Just come back to us safe, it matters to us, and it should matter to you, and even if it doesn't matter to you yet, we'll carry you and lift you up, because you're no weight, you're no burden.

Stay safe, be calm; we're here.
 
Many of us have mics and are more than willing to lend an ear. I don't advertise to anyone but I've definitely always been some what of a mentor to lots of colleagues and friends.

Hang in there because when you think you're alone is when you really are not.
 
if you dont have any friends (at least around) or family and cant get a relationship (which isnt the end of the world dude, many of us arent in one), at the very least get a pet. Get a dog, not even a person will be as happy to see you when you get home from a shitty day as your dog will, that shit heals the soul (I have a new puppy, barely been with me more than a month, and he already freaks the fuck out as soon as I put the key in the lock)

its also good to get some exercise when you walk them :)

I know it seems like empty words but there really is stuff out there for you in life, even if it doesnt seem like it right now, dont give up

and call that number
 
There are so many good people here. This thread is making me tear up.

You can do it Cryptic. I promise. We're all in this together buddy. No matter how hard.
 
Hi cryptic,
I understand we've never interacted before, but I have some experience with counselling people who are going through situations like yours. I'm not a professional, though.
GAF is a wonderful place and they have already provided a lot of good resources for you to contact. I think it would be worth trying to speak with someone who has experience. Many phone lines will let you be anonymous, so you can just talk if you'd like. Reaching out and talking with people who can help, like you have here on GAF, is a good next step.

Also, if there is anyone who knows cryptic in real life, I recommend going to be there physically with him as soon as you can, or getting in contact with someone he trusts who can.
 
Cryptic,

We accept you... We love you... and while we might be people from all over the world... We are here for you.

If it doesn't feel like you have friends.. We will always be here.. If you don't feel wanted, we want you here.

You can always PM me. I will talk to you. I'm on here numerous times a day so if anything you will at least me to have convos with. But I know there are plenty of people on here that feel the same. Even come to meet you.. You are loved here and Gaf wouldn't be the same with out you.

Go to school.. You will meet people there I swear.

Honestly I can say I don't have many friends, and the ones I do have live 12 hours away. This community makes it better. While some people on here are for a better word "questionable". This place... makes things better. So if I can do that for you through this community.. to make you feel better.. I would do anything in my power to help.

Again we love you

Try to sleep well
 
Cryptic. If you want someone to talk to I'm going to PM you my number. You're never alone there are always people who care about you. Even complete strangers like me value you. I love you, bro.
 
Cryptic, don't let the words of others get you down - even if it is from family. Some people get pleasure from hurting others but that doesn't mean what they say is true. You aren't pathetic.

You are in my prayers. Keep your head up and keep pushing forward. Things do get better, although it might not seem that way. If you aren't here things won't have a chance to improve.

As for not being tough....I'm not either. 27 year old guy who is scared to death of wasps and bees lol.
 
cryptic said:
Oh man. Thanks for being so kind. No one ever helps. I'm not tough like every other guy. I'm small, and I've always been tough but right now I feel so weak. Everyone hates me, and my faculties are failing, my strict disciplines are failing and attacking me. There's too much to ever to say to someone new, but I keep blurting pain out.I look pathetic.I hate myself for the same reason I hate my mother.
I never was loved by anyone for who I am. I need someone to love me. I'm so pathetic I want someone to hold me.
It's so hard to wait. I'm in noho, that's all, every face here reviles me.
Wanted to attend school in boston in the fall, accepted, but can't find the energ to find a place and job.
All the same, I really can't see suffering alone for two years more. I'm becoming uglier, my vanity can no longer be a shield, soon no one will want me.
My mind today tried to shut off, I felt a sadness that felt like it would kindly overcome my thoughts.
I've absolutely always been alone, and no matter what, anyone and everything I've ever known always goes, it's just a matter of time before show how awful and ugly I am, just like mommy says, no one will want me, and here I am. Just a walking abortion.
Click to expand...

There's another Boggle drawing that's pretty relevant here:

tumblrm4ya0qi1ca1rr4zq1o11280-1339014088.jpg
Click to expand...

It's pretty damned true, from my experience. I think our own worst critic is often ourselves. And if someone says that horrible stuff to you, that's a reflection of their own nature.
 
I'm thankful you responded and hope you continue responding. Do that and you'll see for yourself how much people do care for you. If those thoughts persist, call the numbers provided or hit up any of the folks that have PMed you. Please continue on and be strong.
 
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
We often have a hard time imagining life 10 years into the future, but I'm sure your future you will be glad you didn't end things.
 
Yrael said:
There's another Boggle drawing that's pretty relevant here:



It's pretty damned true, from my experience. I think our own worst critic is often ourselves. And if someone says that horrible stuff to you, that's a reflection of their own nature.
Click to expand...
Those drawings are adorable and cute and really helpful too.
Who made those?
 
Keep your head up and channel that energy into proving yourself and you'll see unbelievable benefits in due time. Instead of considering taking a negative path, channel those feelings into discovering what you love and on ways to improve yourself. Emotions build on each other, and if you constantly put yourself down in your mind, you're going to reinforce negative feelings. You have to rearrange your mental dialogue and tell yourself things will get better and actively pursue ways in which to make them better.

God bless.
 
Man this thread hit me hard, been struggling with depression that seems to get worse everyday. OP don't give up on life, despite the sadness and apparent hopelessness it is all we really have and from what I can tell only comes around once. I am starting to realize that most of my depression comes from changes I need to make and haven't yet. Things I need to let go of and can't. I don't know if it's the same for you but I know what I need to do, it's just a matter of getting the courage to change. Maybe there are things you can do? You mentioned that you are working too much maybe that is something you can change that can help? I don't know if this is even helping. We may both be suffering from depression but everyone is different so it's really hard to say. In any case you are in my thoughts.

Hold on man just hold on.
 
I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it can and does get better. Please do not give up. I am sure there are people on this site who would be happy to chill with you.
 
Didn't you post in FitGAF before? Get back to lifting and boost your confidence, channel that negative energy into lifting heavy shit and gainz. If I can do it, so can you.
 
I don't know you and my english is limited. But when I read what you say I can feel every bit of it, I see myself and what I suffered when I had depression. And all I can say is that we really care about you, and you should know that there IS an unlimited power inside you. You need help, don't fear to ask for it.
THERE IS A WAY, I know you feel like sadness is forevee but no, you can be happy. Happy whatever happens, because even if my life sometimes got worse than when I was low, I'm just happy. Keep writing and talking to us!
I see that you talk about your mom and what she told to you. It's important to learn from our parents but sometimes we have to remeber that they are human. They can say wrong things, that's when you become your mother's mom or your father's dad.

One more thing: learn to get TIRED of sadness.
 
Cryptic,

I know you don't know me. But I feel for you completely. My sister succumbed to suicide, I miss her a lot. My girlfriend died a year and a half ago from pneumonia. It often feels like all the safety, passion, and dreams in my life left with her. I don't know what's out there, the world seems wicked cruel at times. My professional life is still at the starting line, and it feels like I keep stumbling out the starting gates. There's always a part of me that just wants to say, fuck it.

But I'm not gonna , I know the pain changes from day to day, or year to year. I know the grief can't bury me forever. I want to feel happy again too much. I want to share again too much. I want to speak again too much.

I could not have never foreseen all the terrible and traumatic events in my life that would rip my heart open like that. I never saw them coming.

So it's fair to say that there's a hell of a good chance that there are great things---beyond my wildest imagination, that I have yet to experience. A new song, a dance, a movie, a soft glance, a meal, a place, a touch, a trophy, a job, a tear, a pet, a kid, a best friend. Who knows? I refuse to surrender what it feels like to gaze lovingly at the stars and feel like the world is a fucking huge place, instead of feeling imprisoned here. If I get to share that feeling, even better. I did one time, and even though the people I shared it with are gone, I'll keep seeking it. It's too good of a feeling. That's a high I'll keep fighting for.

Explore more, we're all here. Together.
 
Hey cryptic,

Since you are being incredibly brave for sharing your story with us, I'll share mine (although it's not as harrowing and kinda lame teenage drama):

In middleschool to highschool, I was a loser. I would walk all over campus by myself, head hung low, because 1. I had no friends 2. I couldn't stand to look anybody in the face 3. Was constantly fearful and paranoid everyone was staring and whispering about me and how I was such a creep. This continued for awhile, with each day ending with me staring at the ceiling, burying the pain. Yet, you can only bury so much until depression takes that pain and uses it to numb the world and yourself. So, in highschool, my depression reached its peak, with dreams of my death, constantly thinking of how I would end it, and a stream-of-thought filled with hatred of myself. What pushed me over the edge was that I had begun to think about how I was becoming my biological father, who I thought was a failure and pathetic for how his own son (me) had reviled him for losing custody and not ever doing anything with his life.

So, the fateful day came where I had begun to have a mental breakdown in the middle of class and decided I would either have to end it or find a reason to live. Then, in the cloudy and chaotic fog of my mind, I remember the smile of my mother, who had sacrificed so much for me. Next, the smiles of people I knew. Finally, strangers I've never even met before. The rush of memories of past happiness and thoughts on a future life, encompassed within a growing self-realization and sense of agency. Thus, I decided life. I said, "to hell with it", and ran into my counselor's room (it was her job to listen to me, so I just swallowed my pride) and released all of my turmoil. She was gracious enough to fully hear me out, which is all I ever wanted and needed. I still get depressed sometimes, but I remember this event, and I'm able to shrug it off and say "well, at least I get to experience depression; I'm ready for any pain that comes at me, because I'm going to hold onto this ember for as long as I can keep it lit".

I hope this gushing can help you strive for a similar moment of clarity. I care for you. All of us in this thread care for you. Probably you have family and friends you may have forgotten that care about you, and would cry if you were to pass. I know I will. However, don't just use this as an excuse to not carry out those unfortunate plans of yours. Use it to search for the love of life you once had. We'll help you find it, no matter the cost. Love you, friend :)
 
cryptic said:
Oh man. Thanks for being so kind. No one ever helps. I'm not tough like every other guy. I'm small, and I've always been tough but right now I feel so weak. Everyone hates me, and my faculties are failing, my strict disciplines are failing and attacking me. There's too much to ever to say to someone new, but I keep blurting pain out.I look pathetic.I hate myself for the same reason I hate my mother.
I never was loved by anyone for who I am. I need someone to love me. I'm so pathetic I want someone to hold me.
It's so hard to wait. I'm in noho, that's all, every face here reviles me.
Wanted to attend school in boston in the fall, accepted, but can't find the energ to find a place and job.
All the same, I really can't see suffering alone for two years more. I'm becoming uglier, my vanity can no longer be a shield, soon no one will want me.
My mind today tried to shut off, I felt a sadness that felt like it would kindly overcome my thoughts.
I've absolutely always been alone, and no matter what, anyone and everything I've ever known always goes, it's just a matter of time before show how awful and ugly I am, just like mommy says, no one will want me, and here I am. Just a walking abortion.
Click to expand...

Loneliness is a terrible thing. But you should realize that you aren't pre-destined to be alone. No matter what others have told you, everyone has value. And there is always another person (or persons) out there that can see that value. Hell, this thread alone is proof of that.

I would say, it's a communication thing. It's very difficult to communicate with other people (especially when you want to establish a relationship). That said, that is something you can work on. It's not YOU (or this inherent thing where there is something wrong with you) that can never be changed. It's not true. Again, I know it's really difficult for you in this moment. But you can work on it. You can always change your life.
 
Cryptic, take care and talk to someone. Cutting or ending your life are not the solutions. Sometimes we feel that we dont have anyone in this world but thats not true, theres always at least willing to help and listen. Keep strong and dont give up. Try to stay positive and hopeful that things will change for the better. God bless you and take care :)
 
I can't say much more than everyone else here has already said, but I'd like to echo it. Many of us here have been in your position, and while it seems like there's no hope of things getting any better, that's a fallacy...they most certainly will. You can talk to any of us here, or as suggested, you can call the hotline listed to help you out.

We're here for ya, bro! *high five*
 
Find another line of work. If you're afraid of working in the kitchen then get out of there. As you've discovered being a chef is a dirty, high pressure job, and it's not for everyone. A lot of people start careers and find they're not suitable. I've done it myself. I tried working in the corporate world once. The hours were great. The pay was too but I hated it. I dreaded waking up in the morning and putting on that fucking suit. I resented being there. It was like school all over again. So, get out there and find something that you do like doing. You'll probably end up broke for a while, but that's better for you than working at a job that scares you and is affecting your mental health
 
Anything I say here will probably have already been said, but we're all here for you and I hope you get the help you need. Keep your chin up. Best of luck cryptic.
 
If it's between taking steps to end your life or taking steps to change it, I would recommend the latter every single time. Calling the hotline, changing jobs, moving to a new place and starting over, initiating that conversation with a stranger...

If suicide is more appealing than living your life the way you currently do, then disrupt the manner in which your life is currently led. 'Cause, honestly, it isn't working - and you aren't trapped into that through anything other than routine. And you can break the shit out of routine.

I know it seems hopeless, like you're trapped... But you're not. Change is scary, because we can't see the future, but it's often quite simple to implement. Besides - if you're willing to end your life, then why be afraid of changing it first? See where it goes.

Hell, you may even have fun.
 
I can't add much more then whats already been said except to add my voice to the throngs if support. It's nit much but please pm if you need to talk. Many of us have been there where life just seems completely overwhelming but it does get better and there is light at the end of the tunnel, please get help from someone.
 
tumblr_mpq0rsX0hp1r2xi1co1_500.jpg

On a serious note, try to get some help. Call those numbers. Cook is one of the harder jobs available. There are many, many, people who couldn't last 3 days as a cook. Be proud of that, your work ethic will get you far. Keep on truckin.
 
Hm can't you get outta there? No one should be working two jobs for a living...
Just try to do a fresh start somewhere else... It deffo helped me
 
I work with autistic people and just the fact you are able to write AND cook is a major feat. So you can tell yourself some guys out there have it even harder than you. Autism is tough and there's a lot of social stigma around it, but suicide is never a solution. I've never really thought about killing myself, at least not seriously, though I understand how difficult it must be to live while being "different". But at the core, you are still a human being and that's what matters.

If cooking gets to you, try to find something with less pressure. What are your passions? Read, walk, join a club. If you are concerned by how you look, remember that even the "ugliest" people can be charming: you just need to have a positive attitude. Myself I'm not that hot so I balance it by trying to be funny. You need to stop telling yourself how ugly/bad you are because it spirals out of control. The first step to being happy is to tell yourself that you want to be happy.

Where I work there's a girl who cuts herself because "it feels good". However are arms are a mess now and she hates to show them. Please don't cut yourself. I know it's easier said than done and I honestly am not in your shoes, but the temporary pain "relief" from bleeding accomplishes nothing. Seek help if you need to, there are people whose job is to guide you through your hardships. There's always someone willing to help. But as I said, no one will be able to help if you don't want things to change.

Good luck. We love you
 
Listen to the very first post, this part of your life right now is temporary, it will pass. But killing yourself now robs you of the parts that comes after the shit you are experiencing now, the good parts. You don't want to do that.

You're not worthless and you're not hated. Almost 200 of your GAF bro's have commented and shown how much we care about you. You're are anything but alone in this. Multiple people in here have said you can have their phone number and talk to them if you want to, i think you should, even if it's awkward. You'd be amazed at how much better you will feel talking to someone who genuinely wants to listen and help.

But please, whatever you do, don't even think about ending your life , because in the future, when your life is much better (and it will get better), you will look back and be so happy that you didn't choose that option.

I also want to say mega fucking props to all of the stellar Human Beings in this thread. Brings a tear to my eye how beautiful we can be when someone is in need.
 
dude...more than willing to say hi to you mate...pm me and ill be happy to skype and chat
all the wonderful things that can kill you in Australia and the joys of shitting in the shower

Been there and felt like that before...dont take the cowards way out ....the fact that your posting this here says that you want to be heard..well we r listning
 
The best advice I can I give you is to just stick with what you are doing, set yourself a goal for what what you want to be doing in life (whether it be creating an indie game, getting a degree, your ideal job - whatever) and always think of this when you feel down. Then it's case of doing everything you've got to do to get there.
 
I'm thinking of you, from Australia, if you were from around here I'd definitely love to hang out with you even if it were for you just to vent. There are heaps of people here willing to support you bro, a massive community.
 
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